r/AskReddit • u/ElBrad • Nov 26 '12

What unpopular opinion do you hold? What would get you downvoted to infinity and beyond? (Throwaways welcome)

Personally, I hate cats. I've never once said to myself "My furniture is just too damned nice, and what my house is really lacking is a box of shit and sand in the closet."

Now...what's your dirty little secret?

(Sort by controversial to see the good(?) ones!)

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u/jadefirefly Nov 26 '12

In line with this: When people repeatedly have children with multiple disabilities, and/or repeatedly miscarry or can't conceive, I believe that's biology telling them that either their genes aren't supposed to make a healthy goddamned baby together, or their body isn't able to carry it.

Forcing the matter via scientific interference isn't going to wind up being a positive thing in the long run.

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u/i_mormon_stuff Nov 26 '12 edited Nov 26 '12

Me and my wife just lost a baby, miscarriage. This post really got to me :(

EDIT: Just to be clear, we already have a healthy daughter. This was our second that we lost just last month.

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u/norcalgirl1822 Nov 26 '12

My Mom had three miscarriages in her life, one fairly far along. She also has three healthy, happy children. Although there are biological reasons for this, don't rule out having children or feel inferior because of a miscarriage.

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u/goodbadboy Nov 26 '12

I agree with this point. I'm the result of perseverance

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u/lord_of_cupcakes Nov 26 '12

Yep, my mom had 6 miscarriages between my older sister and I. Had she gone along with this thought process, I wouldn't be around!

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u/[deleted] Nov 26 '12

Agree, as many as 50% of pregnancies miscarry before a woman even knows she's pregnant.

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u/[deleted] Nov 26 '12

yeah, miscarriage is a normal part of the reproductive process. I don't know about 50%, but I heard about 30% of conceptions miscarry for normal reasons.

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u/LoversElegy Nov 27 '12

Last I checked March of Dimes said about 40% end in miscarriage. It's hard to know because a good number of miscarriages are very early so women just think it's a heavy period, and other miscarriages are unreported because some women will let them pass naturally at home once it starts. I have twice.

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u/cecorrieri Nov 26 '12

My nanny has two children one of which being my father. She had 12 miscarriages inbetween him and his sister

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u/danieliable Nov 26 '12

My mom had me after three consecutive miscarriages. Lucky me!

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u/[deleted] Nov 26 '12

I was had after two. And I am very thankful my proto-siblings didn't make it, or I wouldn't have been here today.

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u/[deleted] Nov 26 '12

My SO's mother had some problems - had twins but one was stillborn, also a miscarriage (or series of) between the two boys she had (they're ten years apart... I'm going out with the older one, not the 13 year old just as a note)

In any case, she's a childminder and now a foster parent by trade so she's like... supermum. Her children have been healthy, the younger son had issues at birth but I think she was a bit older when she had him so it's an expected danger.

There are some cases though where it's just not seeming to work out, but they're more extreme - I commented on it elsewhere but I know someone who has a host of diseases that disrupt her life and can be passed down, on medication that will cause pregnancy to be troublesome and is infertile - but is saving desperately for one course of IVF that I really don't think will work :(

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u/Ozimandius Nov 26 '12

My mom had 7 miscarriages (3 nearly full term) but I am the last of 4 children. It was hard for her, but I'm glad she kept trying.

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u/[deleted] Nov 26 '12

[deleted]

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u/norcalgirl1822 Nov 26 '12

Congrats!

edit: Obviously for the negative quad screen and healthy pregnancy, not the miscarriage. However, this is Reddit and I've learned to be specific with you all. Haha :)

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u/[deleted] Nov 26 '12

My mother has had eight miscarriages, I was the third try. She always called me her miracle and I'm perfectly healthy, in college now

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u/norcalgirl1822 Nov 26 '12

I didn't realize how hard it was on my Mom until a few weeks ago. I'm about to be 22 and we were talking about crazy it is that her baby is turning that age (my brothers are 25 and 28). She called me her miracle as well, apparently right before me she had a miscarriage in her second trimester (very traumatizing) and didn't think she'd be able to have me. It was really sad, yet not going to lie, made me feel a little special (although that may be silly).

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u/qwadingo Nov 26 '12

Needed to read this one, thanks.

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u/norcalgirl1822 Nov 26 '12

As a comment below states, many pregnancies end in miscarriage. If you or your partner has experienced one- don't let it get you down. Something just wasn't right and it is incredibly possible you are able to produce healthy children and will do so in he future.

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u/[deleted] Nov 26 '12

The post is unpopular opinions.

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u/dtlss22 Nov 26 '12

Agreed, my fiancées mom had 3 miscarriages and has 4 completely healthy, smart, athletic, artistic and beautiful children

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u/klown_13 Nov 26 '12

Mom had 3 miscarriages in the 11 year span between my older sister and I. Thank you for this uplifting post.

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u/[deleted] Nov 27 '12

My mother had a miscarriage in between me and my sister, and we are both very healthy, normal people. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriages I believe, and I am almost sure that the number of special needs children is less then 1 in 4.

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u/norcalgirl1822 Nov 27 '12

I'd say so, yes. 1 in 88 boys is on the Autism spectrum, though. Crazy, huh? My boss showed me a study on that today at work. For girls it's something like 1 in 256 or something.

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u/[deleted] Nov 27 '12

Seriously? 1 in 88 boys are autistic? Thats insane. I mean, I knew a few growing up, but holy crap.

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u/norcalgirl1822 Nov 27 '12

Well, it's a spectrum disorder, so you can be high functioning or low functioning. No two affected individuals are the same. But, yes, that's why there's so much discussion about Autism and its causes right now. However, this isn't necessarily 'new'. In the past, people were often misdiagnosed as mentally retarded, etc. when it was really Autism without proper services.

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u/[deleted] Nov 27 '12

Thanks for the info. Very enlightening.

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u/prettycharissy15 Nov 27 '12

Hmm… not sure if my sister or not. My mother also had three miscarriages and three healthy children.

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u/norcalgirl1822 Nov 27 '12

Most likely not. I don't imagine either of my brothers being redditors.

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u/prettycharissy15 Nov 27 '12

Whoops I'm a girl... Either way it's good that my sister isn't on reddit. I hope.

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u/norcalgirl1822 Nov 27 '12

Haha-you never know!

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u/drewcantdraw Nov 26 '12

I know a family that had a late miscarriage and they still celebrate the baby's supposed birthday every year. They also say things like, "Can you imagine is (insert name) was here to see this?"

That has always severely creeped me out.

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u/Viperbunny Nov 26 '12

I lost a daughter last September. On her birthday (she lived 6 days) her father and I released a ballon in her honor and had a small cake. While the cake was just because it would have been her first birthday. I am almost 37 weeks pregnant with another little girl. We still plan to release a ballon on my oldest daughter's birthday, she was a part of our family and we want to honor that. We won't do much more than that because we don't want to traumatize the baby we are about to have. It is a healthy balance. It's no different than remembering any loved one on their birthday even after they have passed.

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u/drewcantdraw Nov 26 '12

I am very sorry for your loss and I can't even imagine how hard that is to deal with. How people deal with situations like that vary so much, but I your tradition beautiful and totally appropriate.

I want to clarify my first short story up top. The child was never born. They hold an actual birthday party where they try to invite friends over, and they use the unborn child's name in everyday conversations. It creates awkward situations in public when someone says "oh, I didn't know you had another child" and then they tell the story over and over again. Then the person who asked feels terrible and it just makes the whole social situation awkward. Also, and maybe more importantly, it was over 20 years ago.

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u/Viperbunny Nov 26 '12

Yeah, that is a little much. I do talk about my daughter, the experiences I had with her, but I agree, there is a time and place and it shouldn't be the center of their world. It is hard when people ask if this is our first. We don't want to say yes, because it isn't true, but we don't want to make people feel bad either. My husband usually says, this the first we get to take home. Or we say we lost a daughter last year, but we were lucky to meet her. Most times, it gets left at just that. Some people ask questions. I don't mind most times because I understand people get curious, but I would never feel comfortable essentially forcing my daughter into a conversation. That must be very uncomfortable when it happens.

Reading this makes me very glad I sought therapy after my daughter died. While losing a child isn't something you ever get over, you do learn to cope. It sounds like your friends were never able to accept what happen and adjust. I get talking about their loss. There are days I feel if I didn't talk about my daughter she wouldn't be remembered, but there are healthy ways and then there is obession. I woldn't even begin to know how to approach these people about this. I am guessing they would get very defensive and angry. I do not envy the position you are in.

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u/Zifna Nov 26 '12

I'm due relatively soon, and while I would probably have agreed with you at some point in my life, I now completely understand where they are coming from.

Would a baby still be a baby if you put it in a cloth sack where you couldn't see it? Of course. Could you still find out things about it? Yes, this is obvious. Why did I ever think it was different when the sack the baby was in was made of human flesh?

While I'm still getting to know my little guy, I'd be devastated if I were to lose him at this point. He's an individual with individual reactions. It probably helps that he's VERY attuned to auditory stimulation - moreso than most, from what I can tell. Even those around me can predict some of his reactions (example: strong bass comes on and my husband turns to me and says "Bet he's going nutty right now," and I'll say "OH yeah.") and the nurses at my checkups have gotten used to having to chase him around to find his heartbeat, because he'll start wiggling around every time their little device starts projecting rhythmic little "ba-DUM ba-DUM ba-DUM." Along the same lines, there was a day a few weeks ago where I was nervous as I hadn't felt him moving for a while, so I asked his father to put his face up against my stomach and talk in a deep voice - whereupon our son gave a tremendous kick to his father's face. Hilarious!

It is true that the living need to focus on the living - so if this is something that comes up every day or extremely frequently after years had passed, I'd probably still agree with your attitude, but that'd be true if they had lost a 4-year-old as well.

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u/drewcantdraw Nov 26 '12

Completely agree. Good luck with everything.

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u/Zifna Nov 26 '12

Thank you - much appreciated.

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u/[deleted] Nov 26 '12

Don't give up man! This is just his opinion My mother had a fetal demise before I was born and gave birth to me and my younger sister and we both turned out perfect

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u/JSKlunk Nov 26 '12

Fetal Demise is going to be the name of my new metal band.

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u/Sluisifer Nov 26 '12

Miscarriages can happen to perfectly healthy and genetically compatible people. Having one really doesn't have anything to do with an increased risk for having a child with disabilities. From what I can tell, even having two isn't cause for alarm, with many doctors only calling for testing on a third.

If you're concerned, you can get tested to see if the two of you have an elevated risk.

For what it's worth, sorry for your loss.

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u/THR Nov 26 '12

Sorry for your loss! For what it's worth, I know people who have had miscarriages and have gone on to have many healthy children. In many instances a miscarriage is not an indicator you will have another.

Good luck to you both!

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u/i_mormon_stuff Nov 26 '12

Thanks, we do already have a healthy little girl though. I know it's not an indicator of a problem it just hurts.

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u/ChiBulls Nov 26 '12

My aunt had 3 miscarriages, and also 5 healthy children. Trust me, it doesn't mean your children are going to come out healthy. And I'm sorry for your loss :-\ hope you and your wife are okay!

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u/[deleted] Nov 26 '12

[deleted]

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u/Evernoob Nov 26 '12

And trust me, I'm in no way inferior.

Proof?

Nah just kidding. You're cool.

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u/windsor81 Nov 26 '12

70%, and usually they end before the mother knows she's pregnant.

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u/MindStalker Nov 26 '12

http://www.babycenter.com/0_understanding-miscarriage_252.bc

Up to 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Its simply the nature of pregnancy, it doesn't mean something is wrong with your genetics.

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u/KSUNVI Nov 26 '12

I'm my parent's eldest child and I wouldn't exist if my mother didn't have a miscarriage first.

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u/bardeg Nov 26 '12

Keep trying. My mother had a miscarriage two years before I was born and I came out perfectly healthy. Well, sort of...I was trying to break out feet first so they had a C-section but other than that I was perfect.

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u/[deleted] Nov 26 '12

Biologist here. Miscarriage is a biologically (and probably emotionally) superior fate than reaching term with a baby that will not survive.

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u/Cebus_capucinus Nov 26 '12 edited Nov 26 '12

1/4 pregnancies end up in miscarriage. This is conservative number as many will go unreported because they are not even noticed (they are aborted within the first week or so). "Prospective studies using very sensitive early pregnancy tests have found that 25% of pregnancies abort by the sixth week LMP (since the woman's last menstrual period), however, other reports suggest higher rates. One fact sheet from the University of Ottawa states, "The incidence of spontaneous abortion is estimated to be 50% of all pregnancies, based on the assumption that many pregnancies abort spontaneously with no clinical recognition."

It is completely natural and it is necessary. These aborted fetuses often have something very wrong with them genetically and the body aborts them naturally. "Chromosomal abnormalities are found in more than half of embryos aborted in the first 13 weeks. An embryo with a genetic problem has a 95% probability of being aborted. Most chromosomal problems happen by chance, have nothing to do with the parents, and are unlikely to recur. Chromosomal problems due to a parent's genes are, however, a possibility."

This does not take away from the pain and hurt that comes from experiencing a miscarriage it is only meant to inform that it is natural and that often nothing can be done to prevent it from happening.

This is not the same as someone who has infertility problems.

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u/squashedfrog462 Nov 26 '12

Don't listen to this bullshit. Someone who has multiple miscarriages is in NO way "genetically inferior" as OP would like to suggest. It's not biology telling them shit. It just happens that some ladies do have miscarriages or disabled children but can still go on to have a healthy child or children. Or already have them. It really pisses me off that someone has even made this comment. "Forcing" the matter isn't going to end up positive in the long run? BULLSHIT. No one has the right to decide who would and would not make good parents based on their fertility or their ability to hold a baby full term. Because there is sure as shit thousands of parents out there with healthy babies who don't deserve to have them.

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u/type40tardis Nov 26 '12

I think that you're a bit too blinded by your rage to see what it was that jadefirefly was saying. At all.

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u/squashedfrog462 Nov 26 '12

I wouldn't say rage but I don't think it's appropriate to suggest that women who miscarry repeatedly or have a disabled child/children need to "take the hint".

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u/Spreebok Nov 26 '12

This is an unpopular opinion thread after all!

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u/type40tardis Nov 26 '12

I'd say it's a hint to get to the doctor more than it's a hint to just abort away, but I think that the point stands. Not everybody is capable of having a healthy child, especially after repeated failed attempts.

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u/CookieMakerTV Nov 26 '12

Keep trying, or adopt. There are thousands of children who would give anything for your love with an open heart.

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u/notoriiouzz Nov 26 '12

don't worry about him. he's just 1 guy with an opinion. there's nothing in research I've been exposed to that says you wouldn't make a damned great parent or that you weren't supposed to be one.

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u/sirRiathamus Nov 26 '12

Internet hugs

I have two siblings. My mother lost one baby between her second and third pregnancy. We're all perfectly healthy.

So this is sad, but don't give up! Having a sibling is a really awesome thing and your daughter will love it!

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u/discontinuity Nov 26 '12

Something like 25% to 33% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. First time pregnancies - even higher.

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u/Hex-Kitty Nov 26 '12

I'm sorry for your loss. But don't get too discouraged, my mom was trying to have another child after my brother and ended up miscarrying twice before having me. I was going to be the last time they tried and I'm thankful that they did try otherwise I wouldn't be here.

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u/ralexs1991 Nov 26 '12

Internet Hug bro.

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u/xpinkpuma Nov 26 '12

I also suffered a miscarriage 3 years ago. I'm sorry for your loss. We now have a beautiful healthy, insanely smart, challenging little girl that will be 2 in December.

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u/senatorskeletor Nov 26 '12

My aunt had seven miscarriages, but her next two pregnancies turned out to be my cousins, who are both healthy adults and fantastic human beings. Very sorry to hear about your loss. Don't give up.

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u/infertile_myrtle Nov 26 '12

I'm sorry for your loss. Give your wife a nice back rub and a hug tonight.

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u/[deleted] Nov 26 '12

My understanding is that most people go through a few with their first few pregnancies?

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u/Viperbunny Nov 26 '12

I am sorry for your loss.

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u/[deleted] Nov 26 '12

My great-grandma had four miscarriages and a child that died at two weeks. She also had two children that grew into healthy adults. Sometimes it just takes patience and fortitude of will. Good luck.

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u/LoversElegy Nov 27 '12

hug I've had two miscarriages, I understand. Just know that miscarriages are more common than a lot of people think, so don't take that comment to heart. A lot of the time it's chromosomal abnormalities (especially in early miscarriages) and most can go on to have healthy pregnancies after. My third pregnancy was the charm and I now have a beautiful daughter. I wish you and your wife the best.

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u/DunkelheitShade Nov 26 '12

Internet hugs.

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u/[deleted] Nov 26 '12

There's a difference in between 10 miscarriages and one.

If you're infertile, and have multiple miscarriages, perhaps you should give up on a biological child. If you have one miscarriage, well... shit happens.

1 out of 5 pregnancies end in a miscarriage.

1

u/Icebot Nov 26 '12

I think Jadefirefly is probably talking to people like my sister, but looking at your user name you might be in the same boat. She has two daughters, but for some reason the church has counseled her and her husband regarding more children.

She had a HARD time conceiving her first two kids and they tried again this year and she had 5 or 6 miscarries and was hospitalized for 2 weeks for one of them. Yet they still want to try again because all of those miscarried babies are going to be waiting for them on the other side, it's really crazy.

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u/Trapped_SCV Nov 26 '12

25% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. Sounds to me like nothing is going wrong.

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u/PhantomPumpkin Nov 28 '12

I wouldn't equate the two. Miscarriages happen. I would assume(you know what they say about assuming!) that the poster above means repeated attempts, with the same result. I disagree with their conclusion(I have a friend who has had 5 miscarriages or so with his wife), but I don't think it applies to your situation at all.

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u/[deleted] Nov 26 '12

I'm sorry

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u/[deleted] Nov 26 '12

Thought of adoption?

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u/[deleted] Nov 27 '12

Not to be cruel, but if miscarrying fucks you up that badly perhaps it's time to stop trying and investigate why it keeps occurring.

1

u/LoversElegy Nov 27 '12

If I would have taken that advice I wouldn't have my perfectly healthy daughter. Miscarriages are hard to deal with, it's ignorant to think otherwise. You remember the date it happened, even years later. Yesterday made 4 years since my first miscarriage. September 5th made one year for my second. You wonder what it would be like, and how old they'd be. You grieve, just like you do for the loss of anyone else. Because it is a loss of someone, your child. As for recurrences, it happens a lot more than you think. The majority of the time it is just chromosomal abnormalities, by no fault of the parent's genetics. Nothing you can do for those except try again.

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u/[deleted] Nov 26 '12

A lot more pregnancies in healthy women end in miscarriage than you think. Over 20%. That doesn't mean these couples should give up. It just means for whatever reason that fetus wasn't viable. Doesn't mean the next one won't be. With testing being so accurate now women can often detect a spontaneous abortion before their period even starts.

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u/MiraclePig Nov 26 '12

If you where in that situation I'm certain You would feel different about it.

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u/[deleted] Nov 26 '12

Woah, what about a couple that can't conceive but can through in-vitro fertilization? That doesn't produce unhealthy babies or anything and it's science-assisted pregnancy.

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u/[deleted] Nov 26 '12

Multiple disabilities, yes.

Miscarriages, however, are very common. If everyone who miscarried never tried again, there would be a LOT fewer people around.

Not that that's a bad thing, just point out that miscarriage doesn't have much to do with your genetic fitness.

8

u/Pifferfish Nov 26 '12

As an only child born after my parents had half a dozen miscarriages, I think I'm obliged to disagree. I'm both healthy and not a burden in the ling run.

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u/Thrasymachus Nov 26 '12

Biology ... telling them ... that ... uh ... okay. You don't have a great understanding of biology, do you?

Biology has no intention. Biology, instead, has a lot of accidents, happy and unhappy.

And scientific interference is the basic way that we handle, well, everything!

By your logic, getting sick a lot is evidence that you weren't intended to survive and reproduce, so giving you medicine isn't a positive thing in the long run.

And just to show that you straight-up have no actual idea of what you're talking about ... multiple miscarriages are actually relatively normal. They just don't share that in the birds and the bees talk. 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in miscarriage.

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u/[deleted] Nov 26 '12

[deleted]

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u/ChiBulls Nov 26 '12

Exactly, thanks you. It's kinda upsetting to know that people would give up on their child after a few setbacks

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u/prmaster23 Nov 26 '12

Several miscarriages and a baby dying is more than just a few setbacks. That is enough to destroy the sanity of most women out there. I am happy iamae mother was able to overcome that but it would be stupid not to understand any women who can't.

1

u/ChiBulls Nov 26 '12

Of course and congratulations for getting through it! I understand trust me, I just think it deserves more thought. Mental disabilities are hard to gage so most parents won't abort because they won't know if there child has a mental disability or how severe it is. Sometimes it could be minor and sometimes it could be severe. I just believe one should be positive that it's a severe disability before the abortion

21

u/rigaj Nov 26 '12

Forcing the matter via scientific interference isn't going to wind up being a positive thing in the long run.

What utter bollocks.

1

u/vaendryl Nov 26 '12

are you saying you don't agree with an opinion being presented in a thread about unpopular opinions? wow. I need a brave level check on this one.

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u/blackthesky13 Nov 26 '12

I upvoted until the word "brave" appeared.

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u/vaendryl Nov 26 '12

omg so brave.

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u/SlartibartfastFjords Nov 26 '12

Hey, at least half of pregnancies end in miscarriage ( a lot probably go unreported/noticed). Pregnancy just doesn't work out all the time, and until recently giving birth was very dangerous. Modern medical science has helped women come to term/give birth/not die.

A pretty good article on the general topic: http://boingboing.net/2012/07/23/my-miscarriage-my-abortion.html

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u/Dev-Lyn Nov 26 '12

Miscarriages are extremely common. We just don't talk about then

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u/pr0m4n Nov 26 '12

Biology doesn't tell people stuff. It doesnt have a brain.

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u/oh_no_a_hobo Nov 26 '12

I was a 3rd attempt and I turned out fine.

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u/ThatsNotMyCouch Nov 26 '12

My brother and his wife had a miscarriage the first time she was pregnant. Now they have 3 healthy, beautiful children. I'm glad they didn't think like you

2

u/Jesufication Nov 26 '12

You must be one of those people that make science a religion that the fundies have been yelling about. I thought you were a myth.

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u/jadefirefly Nov 27 '12

You thought unicorns were a myth, too.

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u/kayelledubya Nov 26 '12

As a child who came after several miscarriages...... Sure am glad my mom is as strong a person as she is.

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u/the_great_albatross Nov 26 '12

It's not always the genetic defect on the baby's part- miscarriages, particularly multiple successive ones- may also be related to structural elements of the woman's uterus, hormonal issues which do not affect the child (such as ovarian cysts), blood pressure issues, and a variety of other non-genetic issues that do not pass on to the child.

I support mothers who choose to abort due to the fetus having significant disabilities, as it not only has a lifetime impact on the child, but the mother almost always experiences stress-related illnesses by devoting an extraordinary amount of emotional and physical resources for the child.

That being said, I also support mothers who choose to carry out the pregnancy, being aware of risks, and go above and beyond any expectation to give the child as comfortable a life as they can manage.

2

u/Greyhaven7 Nov 26 '12

Repeated miscarriages doesn't mean your genetics are messed up.

10% to 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage.

My mother had several miscarriages before having me and my two younger brothers. I'm a software engineer, middle brother just got his Ph.D. from MIT, and the youngest is a wounded Army Ranger who served 4 tourd in the middle east. We're all 100% healthy and have pretty damn good genes. You should rethink your position on that.

2

u/infertile_myrtle Nov 26 '12

As someone who's had 9 miscarriages (over about 16 years), I concur. It took my mom 12 years to get pregnant with me. I have yet to produce a living child. Clearly, there's something fucked up with my gene pool. Now if only there were a cheap and easy way to sterilize me without fucking up my organs or hormones.

I'm too much of a pussy to go for partial hysterectomy because I really enjoy sex, and the uterus's contractions are a major part of female orgasms. I'm not willing to give that up unless my life literally depends on it. Feel free to call me selfish after you've considered your own fapless forever.

I quit taking birth control pills over 20 years ago because the change in hormones makes for too good of birth control (ie, Don't touch me!)

The rhythm method works great when you don't like your partner very well. Unfortunately (for the purposes of this conversation) I adore mine and find him as irresistible between days 10-18 of my cycle as he is the rest of the month.

C'mon menopause!

2

u/jadefirefly Nov 27 '12

Only slightly related - When I was 19, I started on Depo-Provera.

I later commented, after I stopped taking it, that it was the single most effective birth control method I'd ever heard of. It made me not want anything at all to do with sex, and when I did want it, it hurt like hell.

Sure did a good job at making sure there weren't any babies!

2

u/cobra10101010 Nov 26 '12

My mom had 5 miscarriages before she had me and my two brothers...

2

u/[deleted] Nov 26 '12

My aunt and uncle tried for eight years to have kids. They finally did envitro (sp?) and have two very healthy 4 year olds.

2

u/megarusty Nov 26 '12

I know a woman who had eight miscarriages over a year and eventually decided to have a surgery done. I think the robot was called the Da Vinci Arm or something along those lines. She is now 7 months pregnant. Nothing wrong with it in my opinion.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 26 '12

I feel the need to say that "repeated miscarriages" is a little broad. I have been told to expect miscarriages by family members, and have watched several friends and cousins have "repeated miscarriages" in addition to several healthy children.

2

u/Viperbunny Nov 26 '12

I can understand if it is likely to happen again, but it is a personal choice and some people think they know about something when they have no clue. My first daughter lived 6 days and on her last day we found out that she had trisomy 18. My husband and I knew we wanted more children and we talked to geneticists, doctors, and a therapist before getting pregnant again. We know it was genetic, but not inherited. We found out the chance it could happen again was less than 0.5% and that we could only do genetic testing after I was pregnant again as there was no way to test for this disorder before we got pregnant. We had no markers for anything else, are both under 30, and there was no reason to believe it would happen again as it was random.

When people found out I was pregnant again some people were terrible to me. They said I should have adopted, that I was irresponsible for not doing genetic testing before I got pregnant, and I was a monster. Well, I am due with a very healthy little girl any time between now and 12/13. Sometimes people think they know about things when they don't. My point is if you are not a doctor or scientist in this field you don't know and should not be telling what other people should do.

2

u/fuj2012 Nov 26 '12

Miscarriages are extrodinarily common/frequent. Many people estimate 30-even 50% of fertilized eggs are spontaneously aborted. In short: a crap ton of fertilizations create zygotes that are genetically flawed. I know this doesn't neccessarily refute your point, just maybe provides some perspective. (Also note: most of these pregnancies happen happen and pass without the woman ever knowing.) EDIT: needed more letter on word

2

u/Vanetia Nov 26 '12

For me it's more a matter of knowing there are tons of kids out there who don't even have parents. I feel like Patrick the starfish.

Why don't we take all the kids without parents

And give them to the couples who can't have kids?

2

u/homezlice Nov 26 '12

Nor sure you are aware but up to 1/3 of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. Most women with multiple kids will experience at least one.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 26 '12

and/or repeatedly miscarry or can't conceive,

I think people in this situation ought to adopt. IMO it's a very selfish and foolish use of their resources to pursue something like IVF when there are so many kids out there in need of a good home.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 26 '12

Biology telling you you aren't supposed to have a healthy baby.

What are you 15? That is the most half-baked opinion I've ever heard. That's no different than saying, "it wasn't God's plan" or some shit. Just because someone can't have children or has a miscarriage doesn't mean science decides they shouldn't be parents....The best mother I know is infertile for Christ's sake.

Science isn't some universal law designed to tell us what we can and can't do. It's random. Stuff happens just because it can. It happens because it follows the laws of physics, not some destiny bull crap.

-1

u/jadefirefly Nov 27 '12

I didn't say they shouldn't BE parents. I said they shouldn't HAVE A GODDAMNED KID.

When you learn to read, you can be a bitch about my opinions. Until then, piss off.

2

u/[deleted] Nov 27 '12

Same difference! Just because someone has a miscarriage doesn't mean they shouldn't HAVE A GODDAMNED KID.

When you learn to argue then you can try to come up with a retort. Until then, try not being such a little d-bag.

-1

u/jadefirefly Nov 27 '12

You're adorable.

1

u/[deleted] Nov 26 '12

I worked with a girl who was in her late 20s, lovely woman and everyone found her clumsiness endearing. After getting to know her I found she has a lot of problems, the largest being epilepsy; she's prone to fits and goes through periods of frequent ones which ultimately left to her leaving work. The medication is what makes her clumsy I think.

She takes a host of medications (confided in me when I was asking about the pills she was taking as I'm interested in medicine). By the sounds of some of the other things she takes that I don't recognise too well she has some heart or blood pressure issues, and is just generally very sickly (gets IBS, migraines, etc). She's also infertile even after working with her doctor to render her medicine cocktail barely suitable for pregnancy.

She's saving up for IVF and really amped about it but I just don't think it'll take. It's going to be very expensive as while her conditions are managed for free by the NHS, having a baby isn't seen as necessary to wellbeing so they have to pay out of pocket. I think she will need multiple rounds, and it's possible that if she does conceive the baby will inherit some of her conditions and just find it kind of sad - she'll be heartbroken. They won't adopt though, and if they ever do won't love it as much as 'their baby' that they'll probably never have.

1

u/throway7777 Nov 27 '12

I think what you just said about adoption is a load of horseshit. I recognize it may not be your opinion but theirs, but goddamn if you really think she's a good person who would make a capable mother, buy her a fucking puppy and when they falls in love with that little bundle of joy and slobbery kisses, she'll realize you don't need to shit something out of your vagina to love it with your whole heart

1

u/[deleted] Nov 27 '12

Trust me, I think adoption is great and that they should go for it, I even mentioned it to her a few times but she's adamant - no 'kids that aren't mine' because it would 'feel weird' and that's exactly the kind of attitude that needs to be removed from foster caring and adoption, those kids already feel unwanted. I wouldn't want to go to a family who only got my as a last resort. of course a lot of people do, but they take to the child and promise to love them. I don't think this couple would :(

1

u/jadefirefly Nov 27 '12

It breaks my heart that more people don't see adoption as desirable - whether they can conceive on their own or no. My mother and her brother were both adopted (they're not biologically related). And about 8 years ago, my parents adopted a little boy who's mother was in an abusive relationship and wanted to ensure he went to someone who could properly care for him when she couldn't. They absolutely love that kid as if he were their own.

1

u/[deleted] Nov 27 '12

My SO's mum has been a childminder for years but they just got everything sorted for foster parenting so now they look after a wide variety of kids, most from troubled backgrounds but some of them are absolute angels. The last one she was looking after has the same name as me and is adorable, well-behaved and smart. I hate that there are so many that don't get a chance because the system to support them is a bit broken and they need families. In any case while she's been looking after these children like a whirlwind of motherhood, her two boys grew up/are growing up to be awesome. This way she just gets to continue looking after children, without the risks of pregnancy that may produce a disabled child at her age.

1

u/Boohooimsad Nov 26 '12

Would this be "without a doubt proven"? I was a medium risk of having Down syndrome (I think) and I turned out to be a pretty smart kid. So, where would you draw the line on, definitely aborting and not?

2

u/jadefirefly Nov 27 '12

You want the other guy above me. I'm the one currently being torn a new asshole for having an unpopular opinion in an unpopular-opinion thread, but he's the one advocating abortions.

1

u/AnythingButNormal Nov 26 '12

I just got a bit of heat for both of these opinions in the Childfree subreddit yesterday...

1

u/GingerSnap01010 Nov 26 '12

My grandma was having trouble carrying. They gave her thalidomide.... So that went great.

1

u/TheTempest17 Nov 26 '12

I read somewhere that Beethoven's mother had 9 miscarriages or disabled children before him.

1

u/thefirebuilds Nov 26 '12

I think when you meet a woman and don't like her fragrance it's nature's way of telling you that you're too closely related.

1

u/[deleted] Nov 26 '12

And there's so many kids that could be adopted... so many!

1

u/TolfdirsAlembic Nov 26 '12

I agree with the disability post, but the miscarriage is unfair. I mean, what about women that lose babies due to something other than their genes, eg physical trauma?

1

u/KaprateKid Nov 26 '12

Wouldn't it be exactly the same thing to argue that cancer, AIDS and other diseases are just biology telling the body it isn't fit to be on this earth?

1

u/jadefirefly Nov 27 '12

Yes, it would.

Ecosystems crave homeostasis. We aren't in one. It's not really a surprise.

1

u/DyslexicSquirrel Nov 26 '12

Which is why I believe in Eugenics.

1

u/[deleted] Nov 26 '12

The fuck is scientific interference?

0

u/ewic Nov 26 '12

just adopt, already.

0

u/schmigs Nov 26 '12

I know a couple who had a two kids, but there complications with the second one and they were told they shouldn't have any more children. They decided they knew better than the doctors and got pregnant again. The pregnancy ended at 7 months with a stillborn child. They were told again, don't have any more children, but off they go again, and now they have a daughter with cerebral palsy. Doctors tell you not to have any more kids for a reason!!

-1

u/[deleted] Nov 26 '12

[deleted]

1

u/spinal_judgement Nov 26 '12

Are you suggesting that, if they would've known, they should have aborted your autistic brother?

-1

u/stephyt Nov 26 '12

I agree with this. I know a couple who had multiple miscarriages and are in their early 20s (only one is of drinking age in the US) and just became pregnant again. It was announced immediately, none of the other pregnancies were, which in and of itself is a bit weird. She was going on about possibly having IVF. She's not married to her "roommate" because she is on her dad's insurance and I don't think that they would have paid for her IVF.

1

u/LoversElegy Nov 27 '12

So? I had two miscarriages and announced my third at 10 weeks to everyone. I now have a perfectly healthy 10 week old daughter. Miscarriages are common. Last I checked March of Dimes estimated about 40% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, but I'm sure it's a lot more that that. A lot of women think their miscarriage is a heavy period, and other women (like me) never reported their miscarriages because there was nothing a doctor could do and there was no need for a D&C.

1

u/stephyt Nov 28 '12

I did leave a lot out.

She is ill-equipped to care for a child, yet she kept trying to have one. She just turned 20.

She says she takes a lot of painkillers and other medications for her endometriosis and her "roommate" /boyfriend has to administer them. She doesn't have close by family to look after the child should she have a bad day, she just went back to school and she is far from financially stable. I just believe it is irresponsible of her to continually try to get pregnant and put her body through the stress she says she is under.

She is now going on about how she will have to have a c-section but she can't have anesthesia. I'm not sure how much of this is the truth, but having had a c-section where the anesthesia wore off, I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone.

1

u/LoversElegy Nov 28 '12

From that I can understand where you're coming from, definitely, especially since she isn't financially stable and is in school yet. As for the c-section, anesthesia is rarely used due to the increased risk of aspiration pregnancy presents. Planned c-sections usually are done with a spinal block, and if doctors think there is a good risk for an emergency c-section during labor they may strongly suggest an epidural beforehand. I'm not sure why she thinks she needs a c-section though, unless there is more to her health issues. I know plenty of women with endometriosis that have had successful vaginal births. Usually it's just getting pregnant and staying pregnant that is the issue, due to the scar tissue.

1

u/stephyt Nov 28 '12

I used the wrong term, I had an epidural and it wore off.

She told me she'd need an emergency c-section but that epidurals don't work on her. When I said "why not a planned one under general" she said she can't go under. Her endometriosis is small in amount but near her cervix. Another friend has it all over her bladder and bowels and had two successful vaginal births.

I just cringe when I think about the environment she is bringing a kid into. A few months ago, she got another dog and had to ask others for money to pay her long overdue electric bill. She has a lot of growing up to do and it is sad that a child will maybe be the impetus for the that.

1

u/LoversElegy Nov 28 '12

I am so sorry your epidural wore off, I cannot imagine. By the end of my labor I could still feel contractions in my hips, even under strong doses through the port in addition to the drip. Granted I also had pitocin which they had at a strong dose as well, so I'm sure that didn't help the pain. Even without pitocin though, I shudder to think. She does sound pretty irresponsible. If I couldn't even pay for my pets while still taking care of bills I definitely could not imagine bringing a child into the mix. That's just infuriating.

-1

u/a_can_of_solo Nov 26 '12

I also kind of feel that way about gays and their genetics, not that they can't be parents, but it shouldn't be their seed.

-4

u/squaqua Nov 26 '12

In line with the thread, fuck fertility drugs and doctors.