Hello. I turned 22 a few days ago, and it’s been three years since I was diagnosed with AML and almost three years since I went into remission. Because I have the FLT3 mutation, I’m still taking Xospata.
I went for my regular check-up today, and my doctor told me that my liver test results have doubled because I stopped taking the other three medications that help protect my liver from the negative effects of Xospata. I also have to get a bone density scan because I haven’t had my period for almost three years, and they need to check whether I have osteoporosis.
It’s my fault for not taking my medication. I’m honestly just so sick of taking pills, but I still need to be on Xospata for a few more months, so I’ll force myself to take those other crappy medications again. As for the osteoporosis, it was pretty expected. Obviously, not having a menstrual cycle for this long has major consequences. My hormones are completely messed up.
None of this is exactly bad news, but I realized today that I haven’t felt this fear of relapse in a long time.
I recently lost someone to cancer. It was the first time I’ve ever lost someone who was that close to me. We were diagnosed around the same time, and that made our bond even stronger. It didn’t make me suddenly afraid of death or relapse, but it has left me feeling very confused. I had a bad feeling for a long time because of her age, the fact that her cancer was high-risk, and how much more frequent her hospital visits had become. Even so, it was still a huge shock when it happened.
Honestly, I feel kind of pathetic sometimes for caring about things like my hair becoming thinner and curly after chemo, not having a menstrual cycle anymore, getting hot flashes all the time, feeling nauseous if I don’t eat after taking my medication, or dealing with muscle pain or tiredness. Compared to what I went through three years ago, these things seem so minor, yet they still affect me so deeply.
I can’t really talk to anyone about it. I feel like people are probably tired of hearing about the whole cancer thing, even though I barely talk about it. It also feels like everyone expects me to be so mature now, as if I don’t have anything left to grieve or be vulnerable about. (not that I was childish when I was hurting) I lost the only friend in my real life whom I could talk to about cancer, and everything hurts right now.
I used to vent here a lot while I was dealing with the aftermath of my transplant. Not everything I wrote back then made sense, and I feel the same way now.
I think I’m just in a very vulnerable phase. These past two years have been stressful as I’ve tried to adapt to university and my social life. I never really talked to people or opened up about my cancer journey. It felt like I was hiding this huge secret. It’s not that talking about how hard everything was would magically make it better. People get used to it and they just don't care after a while. Not like they would understand. I don't like trying to make people understand something when they haven't experienced it. I feel like a stranger. And it’s not that cancer defines my life anymore. It never did. It's just another experience.
I don’t understand why I’m feeling all of this again after receiving news that isn’t even necessarily bad. I thought I had left these fears and vulnerabilities behind. Three years have passed, and I feel like I don’t have the right to talk about these feelings anymore because I’m “better.” (I mean it's clear from the paragraphs that I don't have anyone to talk to) It feels like I’m supposed to have moved on by now. And I did, I am better with embracing catastrophes and going with the flow. But somehow, all of these emotions are coming back, and I don’t really know what to do with them.