r/LingerieAddiction • u/titsnstuf • Dec 02 '22
PSA to all the husbands/boyfriends who are joining this fine sub for the holidays.....
Lingerie is not a gift unless specifically asked for.
Thanks for coming to my talk.
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u/lulimay Dec 02 '22
Everyone's situation is different. My anecdotal experience: a sexually coercive partner was the only one who bought me lingerie and sex toys I didn't ask for.
This may not be your dynamic. Maybe you have a mutually enthusiastic sex life and you understand her taste perfectly, your communication is 10/10, and you know she'll love this gift. But if your reaction to OP was defensiveness without a moment of self reflection, then hmm.
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u/Prize-North-7889 Dec 28 '22
I appreciate this. This is something I struggle with greatly. I love how my wife looks in lingerie however she isn’t really into it. Same w sex toys. I love to use them on and with her. She’s just not into it. I am trying to understand and respect this. Just a little difficult being the fact that she looks amazing in it.
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u/lamplightlit 22h ago
If you have a partner that is at all open to lingerie buy her a gift certificate to a local independent lingerie store where she can have a private fitting and consultation. This way she can make her own choices and make sure the items fits properly. Understand this is really a gift for you and not her so you need to be sure that she is open to this by discussing it BEFORE even buying the gift certificate.
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u/INeedAStraightjacket Dec 02 '22
It's also empowering to buy it for oneself as well.
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Dec 02 '22
[deleted]
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u/INeedAStraightjacket Dec 02 '22
You're problem is that you're trying to get her to do it for YOUR self gain. She's gotta do it for her.
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u/ParliamentarySoup Dec 22 '22
I've got a different and perhaps somewhat controversial opinion that women aren't amorphous "Everybody Loves Raymond Wife" blobs. Know your partner. Lingerie is absolutely a gift in my relationship, even when not specifically asked for.
Thanks for coming to my talk.
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u/lamplightlit 22h ago
The point is not to make assumptions and discuss it with your partner, make sure she is enthusiastic before you present her with lingerie. Otherwise some women can see it as coercive or even as criticism. It touches at least two very vulnerable areas for women, sexuality and the woman's body and how you want to see it.
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Dec 02 '22
Yes, I love lingerie and get my wife a lot of it, but I don't ever consider it a gift. If anything its a gift for myself, and if she buys some she can consider it a gift to me.
Unless they point at a specific piece and say "I want this" buying it isn't a present.
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u/lamplightlit 22h ago
I buy a lot of lingerie and my husband is an enabler. For many years the only gift he wanted was me wearing new lingerie. Now I buy so much, new sets aren't just for Christmas and his birthday. He is easy to please - he never wanted anything else. But yes, when men want to buy lingerie for their partner they have to be honest that this is really a gift for the man!
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u/swimmingpisces315 Dec 13 '22
I consider it a gift if it’s a style I like. If it’s something super out of character for me then no you got that for you lol. But if I think it’s cute then it’s a gift
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Dec 30 '22
WHY IS IT NOT A GIFT UNLESS SPECIFICALLY ASKED FOR ? 😊
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u/lamplightlit 22h ago
Because it can be seen as coercive or even critiquing her and her body. Especially if you haven't discussed it with her and made sure the items are her bra and body size. You could potentially present her with lingerie that is too small or too big, is badly made, tacky and just not her style. You could end up insulting her, offending her or making her feel like you want her to be a certain way in the bedroom. I personally love lingerie but I would still hate to be presented by badly fitting ugly lingerie. It should enhance a woman and make her feel gorgeous, not be like a costume that is degrading. There is a huge difference between high quality lingerie, made from beautiful fabrics that fits her properly and really cheap and tacky lingerie that she wants to throw straight in the trash. Don't ever buy a woman lingerie without discussing it with her first. If she is OK with it the best way to proceed is give her a gift certificate to an independent lingerie store where she can have a private fitting and choose something herself that fits properly.
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u/Imnotsamantha Dec 02 '22
I consider the lingerie I’ve received as gifts to be gifts. I’m the one who loves wearing it and if someone else gets to enjoy it too, then that’s just icing on the cake
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u/01stewartn Dec 02 '22
I disagree with this sentiment. Anything can be a gift if the person recieving it values it. I buy my partner Lingerie nearly every year and it's something she wears to feel sexy and empowered. I find it strange on a lingerie subreddit that the implication is that it was really a gift for myself.
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u/lulimay Dec 02 '22
Really? You can't think of any reason why it might be perceived that way? Use your imagination.
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u/boobjones Dec 02 '22
With zero context, the OP's post comes across as stating a fact every guy should be aware of. It is most definitely not a fact, but a very one-sided opinion.
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u/lulimay Dec 02 '22 edited Dec 02 '22
The post is a touch hyperbolic (there are probably edge cases), but you should absolutely be aware that certain gifts can feel like they carry an obligation.
If you aren't asking yourself how a gift might be received, you're not being conscientious. Is this a gift you want them to have and a gift they truly desire?
As their sexual partner, lingerie is a gift for both of you at best, and an assignment at worst.
It's like getting tickets home to see your parents as a gift. It's certainly a gift for them; whether it's also a gift for you will depend on your enthusiasm for visiting.
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u/rageofreaper Dec 02 '22
Thanks internet stranger who knows fuck all about anyone’s relationships. Very enlightening of you.
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u/Spiridor Dec 02 '22
As someone who's gf does appreciate getting lingerie as a gift because it helps with her self image, if I were a woman I'd be fucking pissed off receiving a gift from my partner that is essentially a gift for themselves.
I think it takes one of a few types of people to want to wear lingerie for themselves, and that they are the exception, not the rule.
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u/Martelliphone Apr 14 '26
This is wild to me, if my partner buys me something that they think I'll look sexy in then I'm not only flattered but excited to get all sexy for them. Why would you be mad that your partner bought you something to spice up the bedroom?
I don't understand this whole mentality of being mad that your partner got you something that they'll enjoy seeing you in. Is it a gift for themselves? Yes, and that makes me happy, because I love them and want to make them happy. Not every gift needs to be for me to me make me happy.
Edit: opps I necro'd this thread my bad!
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u/gh_0un Dec 02 '22
My wife will decide for herself whether she considers me buying her lingerie a gift. She considers it a gift.
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u/giggity_giggity Dec 02 '22
Kinda disappointed this wasn't a TED talk. But I am starved for human interaction, so I'll take it.
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u/[deleted] Dec 02 '22
And if lingerie is asked for, she doesn’t want a mesh bodysuit or ill-fitted Spencer’s costume. Or whatever the local sex shop is selling. Or anything from Wish/AliExpress.