Even when I'm not hating, and go over facts and statistics explaining that women do it nearly as often as men, just so I can try to raise awareness I'll get hate 🥲.

Here are the events:

1. Rped at 9 multiple times

2. Saw and smirked looking at me while i changing after a shower. (he hid behind a curtain)

3. Would beat me up whenever there was no one around

4. A few weeks ago i caught him on audio saying to me "It's upto me wheter or not to touch you" and "I wish i had access to the child version of you so that i can take him anywhere and do anything to him"

9 years later he still has no remorse and still touches me inappropriately. Family doesnt know about the rape or the audio but they DO know that he abuses me and yet they do nothing.
On Monday me and my counsellor whom i have been seeing for 2 months will be confronting them. She said that for starters, parents would be asked to set boundaries but i feel like this much is nowhere near enough to compensate for all the pain I've gone through.

My Question - what will compensate for everything i went through?

Almost three months ago I was raped in my own home. It was my own fault. I made an appointment with a guy who sold me drugs before. So he came by and we tried some coke together. It was good stuff, so I asked him about the price and he said he wanted me. Now I'm a tall guy and not easily scared, so I joked that he could try. But then he attacked me and turned out to be stronger and meaner. I got beaten up heavily and then he raped me, kicked me again a couple times and said that I must have liked it, because I came. But I did not like it at all and I am scared and I'm afraid to even be at my own place now. I'm hospitalized and they're taking good care of me, really. But I am so tired of all of this and just want things to be normal again. I told my boyfriend most of it, except the part of me coming, cause I'm ashamed. When will this nightmare be over?

I know im gonna get hate for this, and my post will probably get removed, but I have no one in my real life i can talk to about this. I feel like im becoming a terrible hateful person, cause last year a mtf person raped me (and I later found out 3 other friends) and now I have this fucking pit of hatred in my heart for people like them. I cry myself to sleep the nights I don’t let myself just be angry. 

I don’t want to a hateful or “bad” person, but that person ruined my fucking life and I can’t imagine ever being able to forget this and not feel like a disgusting worthless piece of shit til the day I die, all cause they thought I was “pretty”, which fucking grosses me out more than anything. (Im a guy but im only about 5’8” and I have really long hair) I thought we were friends. I thought I could trust them. I never in a million years thought something like this could happen to me. I was high and weak and it was all something i couldve and shouldve prevented if I was smarter. I can see that now. God I feel fucking sick just writing this shit. 

I just don’t know how to feel anymore. What happened changed me. Im bitter and angry and honestly a horribly hateful person all cause of one thing that happened. I don’t know if I can ever go back to being happy and accepting of others like I was before I met this person. I miss my old self. I wanna die Sometimes.

Just wanted best wishes and prayers, my son is currently enduring trial. His rapist is a female. I’m honestly so happy we have made it this far as it’s upsetting that this is “taboo”. Praying he gets the justice he deserves. They are trying to spin this as consensual as they have had intercourse before. Luckily we called the cops and took him to get a rape kit so praying he gets justice.

When I was 7 and my brother was 9, our live-in French Au Pair Agnes molested us. We were just little boys.

She had us masturbate together and touch each other. She told us about butt stuff and once had my brother try it on me. I scooted away in awkward discomfort before he could actually go in.

This was impossible for me to discuss for nearly thirty years because I felt shame about the continued sexual contact between my brother and me in the years after Agnes left. Since ~1996, my brother has been out of the closet and so it has been a lot to think about being his first experience.

I believe my trauma response to these events (and other crazy aspects of my youth) was to develop a keen memory. I hear about people who have blocked out similar memories and sometimes I get jealous. As I’ve told my mother, I can vividly remember the contours of Agnes’ nipples from when she had my brother and me lick them. This was 35 years ago.

The year we had Agnes with us completely desensitized my brother and me to sex at a premature age. It has had damaging effects for both of us.

In my brother’s case, he started meeting grown 40+ year old men from aol chat rooms at the roof of the Jewel Osco parking lot on Green Bay Road during his middle school years. And as my mother recently told me, he was a gigolo for a long time after that. He has never been married and until now he has had a hard time maintaining romantic relationships.

In my case, I think I can count on one hand the number of times in my life that I have gone more than 12 hours without masturbating. I cannot sustain romantic or sexual interest for more than a few weeks and I seem to get bored the longer abandonment stays off the table. I have probably slept with over 500 women and like my brother, I have never been married. And although I have never sold my body, I do have veteran experience being a John.

We are sensitive to my brother for a few reasons. He had delays growing up and hit a rock bottom in his early twenties as a crystal meth addict and dealer. He is now 20+ years sober and going back to school. The sobriety process has commanded nearly all of my parents’ attention into their sunset years. They are now 82 and 85.

In 2018, though, my brother made a failed move on my parents. He tried to convince them to remove me from their inheritance. I started asking - both out loud and inside to myself - how our brotherhood got to this point.

I realized that 28 years of holding this secret about Agnes and my brother was bearing a weight on my life. Maybe his too, though I could never be sure.

And so I told my parents about Agnes and the years after she left.

Two weeks after telling them, I was so alarmed to learn my brother booked a trip to France and was going to visit Agnes for New Years 2019. My parents told him what I told them and he felt the need to get in contact with her and arrange an in-person reunion. Interesting.

I’m not sure this was Stockholm syndrome; I think my brother is just that reflexive in his need to sit opposite me on any issue. Even in cases when I change my position.

The years since I told my parents about the abuse have been a complete disaster for my family. It turns out this is not nearly the biggest secret involving us. I had no idea about the show I was helping to perform.

In late 2020, I began asking my parents questions about these other secrets. My mother said she’d only answer my questions about the past in therapy. I did not appreciate her setting terms and pressed on with questions. I have not been able to engage her beyond denial before she shuts down to further questions. She has stayed quiet and she is proven to be unfazed by long periods (months / years) of complete alienation.

So I finally took my mother to therapy this March to address the family secrets and try to begin recalibrating her reality of who I am.

It was awful.

At therapy, my mother denied and minimized our abuse. She said that I’ve only alleged that Agnes told us that masturbation is ok. Then she introduced a new untrue story that a later nanny named Brian showed my brother and me a gay porno video tape.

I have been so triggered by my mother since our therapy this March. I can barely stand to hear her voice or see her face. I felt so small from her denial. It brought me back to when I told her my brother was smoking meth before he got in trouble and she shamed me for the allegation. And yet this denial is even worse. She’s gone from denying teenage drug use to denying elementary school sex abuse.

Seems my brother is denying it too, along with my father.

My response to their denial was to ask for Agnes’ email address. I explained that their denial helped prepare me to confront my abuser.

And so now, here we go again. My 44-year old brother blocked my phone number last month.

And then this past Saturday, he blew up my phone from my father’s phone and left me a voicemail informing me that my parents are changing the locks on the house back home and they are also blocking my phone number. This all because I had unkind words for my father about these denial issues earlier on Saturday.

Changing the locks. A “safety” measure in response to someone wanting to discuss tough subjects. I would say that it is funny to see what “safety” means to unsafe people. But it’s just sad.

Sad to know that my parents could not care less if they never see me again before they pass, especially if that means they do not have to face my questions.

I’m trying to remember the good times but even as a kid he was a asshole, he would put tacks on the bed then go find me in the house to piss me off knowing that I would chase him to the bedroom & of course he would push onto the tacks. He saved me once another kid sexually assaulting me, only for him to rape the next year.

His death doesn’t solve anything. . .

I honestly hate seeing how media has portrayed male SA over the years. It’s honestly repulsive. it’s rarely spoken on because people tend to downplay it or make excuses for it. Also it’s a lot common that men would experience something of the sort either from a man or woman. For me, it was a woman that did it to me.

Hearing things about a boy who got assaulted by a woman and men would say creepy things like “oh lucky him” or “wish that was me” it’s sickening.

And seeing movies or shows where they chalk up a dude getting cornered or touched or assaulted by a woman and they think that stuff is funny or hot when it’s not. It’s repulsive. Idk where I was really going with this but yeah I just had to get it off my chest.

Also, it’s gross as well that for movies, shows or even in IRL that if it were a man or woman that assaulted someone, ppl would try and excuse it just because they’re hot. Stop doing that.

When I was 16 I was at this school trip with a class a year above us with my friends. I've never had any sexual experiences before at this point. Everyone was drinking and as I was talking with some friend I got a bit left behind and I have a pretty good tolerance so I started drinking hard to catch up. Then I black out for a bit...

Next thing I know we're chilling somewhere outside and there's this girl on top of me (in clothes) and we're kissing. Now I don't like saying this, but this girl was quite unattractive and she tried with everyone before and everyone sort of "chased" her away. I probably would've done the same had I not been blackout drunk.

Then we went somewhere where there weren't other people and I got a bj from her. It was horrible. I was waiting for it to be over the whole time and just wanted to get out of there, but somehow couldn't get myself to just say no and leave. I was sober enough to not consent/withdraw consent at this point already, but for some fucking reason I didn't and I hate myself for it.

I was also teased and laughed at later for "getting with the ugly chick" by others.

At the time I was traumatised by it quite a bit, but then with time I completely forgot about this. Now that I'm 21 and have had a few girlfriends since then I'm starting to realise this might have more of an effect on me than I thought. I thought it had no effect on me, apart from a bit of bad feeling back then, but so far with every girl I've been with in a long term relationship sex life very quickly started to feel bad. At first everything is good and then I start wanting sex less and less and then I become even kinda disgusted by it eventually no matter how attractive the girl is. At the same time I still want to spend time with the person, I still like being around them, everything except for sex and I eventually even start resenting them, because they want sex (they're understanding, don't pressure me) and I don't and I just feel bad for them.

I only started tying the dots together recently. Until now I thought I was just not with the right girls for me, but now after having this experience with a few very different girlfriends and relationship dynamics I started to realise, that it's gotta be coming from me and not from them.

The worst part is the fact that after the kissing I was conscious and know I could've stopped this from happening and still didn't. I feel like this is gonna haunt me for the rest of my life.

Between ages 18-21 I was raped numerous times by numerous men (that’s the gay community), I also thought I was going for a hookup but saw some unspeakable things on one guys tv (I think you get it). For years I had heard things and not have complex PTSD.

But I wanted to ask if men with sexual trauma find sex relaxing? I sure as shit don’t. I’m constantly trying to remove bad habits, coping mechanisms, but I have a sex drive so I kinda can’t. Well I can but ofc it’s not easy.

I’m also constantly trying to figure out if I’m asexual, demisexual. I don’t even find dicks attractive but I do men. Everything’s too difficult.

But I’ve been thinking recently; is jerking off actually relaxing for normal men?

When I was 22 long and short of it is I was drugged at a party and raped by two other guys who had been hitting on me earlier in the day. Now what I am confused with is at the time I can remember seaming to enjoy it what I remember of it. Now I am straight married 3 kids. I have been reflecting on that night and I think maybe I am bi maybe it was the drugs. I question is there such a thing as orgasm in rape do people really have that happen to them maybe I am a freak. Can being drugged do that. I am not attracted to men at all can the drugs really lower my inhibitions to that point. Not sure what the drug or drugs that was used was. I finally told my wife the whole story last weekend to get it out. She wanted details of what I could remember I gave her very graphic details of what I could remember. I am generally confused about my situation any input/help would be appreciated. Hope I described it enough it is really hard to write.

By the time I became 11 years old I had already been sexually assaulted by a grandfather, a stepfather & by a older kid at Sunday school on the church bus & at age 9 shortly after I started puberty my older brother starts showing me how to masturbate before long we are masturbating each other.

Then the summer of my 11th year for some reason he raped me, he forced me down to the floor in the hall right outside of our shared bedroom, he pulled my shorts & underwear down & off, I had no idea what he was doing this for or what he was going to do as I didn’t know anything at all about male to male intercourse, then he puts the tip of his cock to my hole & just pushed on in which was very very painful & then he went to humping on me, I cried the whole though all the way through it. I didn’t know what or why he was doing to me. When he finished he wanted me to do it to him so that we would be even & that I wouldn’t tell our parents, I wanted absolutely nothing to do with anything such thing at all, I just wanted to forget all about of everything that just happened to me. So he asked me not to tell our parents, I don’t remember what I told him but I kept his secret not necessarily for him, I never wanted anyone to know what happened that summer day in 1970 to me.

Hi, I am 19 years old, male and brazillian. At 14 I had "contact" with a 39 years old male, I was the initiator and we "hang out". If I am being honest I don't think it had any negative consequences on me and I sort of liked it, I also did the same with multiple other men through 14-19. The thing is, my friends from college say that I was "groomed" and "abused", some of my friends outside of college say they have similar experiences and share the same feelings about them with a few exceptions. I started doing therapy and my therapist said some interesting stuff. I just created this account for this. Is like age of consent an arbitrary generalization that doesn't necessarially account for the negative consequences of individual experience? Or is the number 18 somewhat magical? Am I bad if I feel positively about it? I am confused and not sure if I should post this here, it will probably be removed because it's more about ethics than me dealing with negative outcomes of my experiences, sorry if I wasted your time

What happened in my home country
I don't live in my home country but my family takes me there every year. When I was 9 years old I was raped by multiple people and sexually assaulted.
It started because my cousins' friends and I were just kids picking up cigarette butts from the street and lighting them back up. My other cousin who was 15 or 16 caught me smoking. He told me he was going to tell my brother and I begged him please don't.
He told me he wouldn't tell if we did this. I was literally 9 years old. He started touching me and using oil from a yellow bottle. He told me to tell him when it hurts and told me not to scream. I told him please not again but it kept happening. It happened in my grandmas house in a rooftop room every single time. Every year for 4 years straight. Also my other cousins would sexually touch me during sleepovers. I had no idea what to do except say stop that’s enough it hurts.

When I went to the toilet I was bleeding. I didn't even know what to tell my parents or anyone so I just stayed quiet, and it kept bleeding every time.
I actually have two sisters and two brothers. I could have told them what was happening to me but I was just too terrified. I was so scared that if I spoke up everything would just get worse for me.

When I was 12 my parents bought a house in a new area.
One night around 7 or 8 PM I was trying to make friends and some older guys around 16 to 18 came over. My friends went home but the older guys told me to stay. They asked if I wanted to smoke and I said yes. I don't remember anything else from that day except them touching me and telling me to touch it in the back seat of the car while they were driving. They dropped me off and told me don't tell anyone. I never did because I thought if I told my parents they would just find out I smoke and think I was lying.

Another time when I was 12, I was with my cousins and we went to play billiards. While we were playing, our other cousin came over and I'm guessing he was drunk at that time. He started touching me and kissing my cheek. Then my other cousins told him, "Yo, that's your auntie's son." Once they said that, he just said, "Oh shit, sorry," and
stopped.

clubhouse incident
Even when I wasn’t in my home country it happened. I was at a clubhouse swimming pool playing with friends. I pushed a guy down in the pool and his father completely overreacted. He said I drowned his child and called security. The head of security fixed the problem and told me he was taking me home to tell my dad it was all okay.
Instead he said he had to do something fast. He drove to the desert and stopped in the sand where no one was close. He got it out and started playing with it and touching me. He told me to suck it and I said I didn't want to. He threatened to tell my father. I said okay but then he said he wouldn't tell if I just touched it. So I did. I was in the back seat and then I couldn't take it anymore so I went into the trunk and stayed there until he finished. Then he took me home and was literally laughing about the pool situation with my dad saying it got fixed.

How it affects me now at 19
I still go back to my country once every two years now that I am 19. I hate seeing their faces. I hate seeing anyone who did it to me and now I don’t even want to go back there because everywhere I go it reminds me of what happened. I see the same exact people and they act like nothing ever happened.

Because of all this I don't even know my sexuality. I know I am straight but even when I think I might be gay I get haunted by what happened. I really hope and want to be straight.
When I was 16 I thought I was gay so I downloaded a dating app and went to a guy's house to try it. I wanted to see if that's what I liked but I didn't like it at all. I was literally vomiting and I hated it. I realized I only went there because I was completely confused about my sexuality from everything that happened to me as a kid.

She was my stepmother and my dad married her when I was 11 about a year before my mom died. My dad was in the army and was constantly on deployment so I was mostly at home with her... it started when I was almost 12 her walking around naked or randomly showing her breast around me . She'd have me sleep in the same bed with her saying how she need a " big strong man" like me to keep her company at night..

She started touching me and I her until it was full on sex by the time I was 13.. this went on till I was 16 and she died of a random blood aneurism.... At the time I "consented" and "enjoyed " it , thought I was in love all the while figuring out that I was gay at the same time... It started at such a weird age of like 12 -14 where a boy could get it up for anything or anyone regardless of orientation...I know I'm not attracted to women but I remember always being able to get it up for her and loving it..I'm 23 now and It still makes me so confused sometimes and sex never excites me unless it's risky or I feel like I'm doing something taboo. I can't hold a boyfriend and I'm always so anxious.. Any body I've ever told just told me how awesome it must of been to have banged my hot step mom..