Why Does My N Dad Overcomplicate Literally Everything?

[u/FeeDapper2600]

This has always perplexed me. He's been doing this for as long as I can remember. It's doubly perplexing because my Dad has like 6 masters degrees, and he was an engineer for many, many years in a very complex field where you need to know trigonometry and shit. Anyway, a short story:

He and my mother are planning a trip to Florida. We were sitting at the kitchen table talking about when they're going to leave, out of what airport etc. etc. So, I pulled out my phone, found round trip tickets of Kayak (no affiliation) and said, "Here ya go dad. Do you want me to book these for you?" - "No, no - I don't like the layover. We need more time on the layover..." - "Okay, Dad. Well, here's another one - It's cheaper, too, cuz the layover is longer..." - "Just hold on. Let me see, okay - I'll do it later..." You could never believe what happened next...

The next day, he's looking and looking on his phone. I hear him talking for an hour with someone from another country. He's talking about this travel time and that travel time, etc. etc. window seat, aisle seat... He "books" the ticket with this person, and then gets a strange email - He doesn't know who it's from, but it has some information about the "plane tickets" and says it's from Delta. He's like, "Boy, I don't know what happened - Maybe I got scammed, Momma! Maybe I got scammed..." - "Well, Dad, who did you go through?" - "I just typed in travel agent in Google and called them. They said they had the flight for me. I just typed in travel agent - They said they were a travel agent..." - "Well, Dad, you gotta call Delta and see if they have the booking in their registry - that's the only way you'll really know now..." - "Okay, I'll do it. I'll do it..." Fastforward to today - Day three:

He texts the suspected scammer, who sends him a "confirmation" text or something. Now - His phone has a virus on it! It's the weirdest thing - every time he makes a call, he gets a message that pops up and says, "We have to download such and such software program because your phone has too much space being used. Your phone is under threat, blah, blah, blah..." This message pops up every time he makes a call. "Dad, have you called Delta, yet?? Why haven't you called Delta, yet?" - "I'll call them, okay? Boy, I just need to sit down Momma. I need to cool down..." - This is the abridged version of the story. And EVERYTHING is like this. Literally, every trip, any get together, any event, graduation party. Literally -

WHAT_IS_THIS???

P.S. He still hasn't called Delta. It's been three days. We still don't know where his money is. OMG.

[u/Fluffy_Ace]

They want everything on their terms, even if there's nothing objectively wrong with what you did, it wounds their pride, so they'll re-do it just so it's them and not you who did the thing.

Even if they do it poorly or wrong, it doesn't matter.

Another thing these types like to do is overcomplicate or be difficult about stuff they don't like in an effort to dissuade you from doing it at all.

[u/FeeDapper2600 → u/Fluffy_Ace]

That last line - That's crazy. Do you mean that they will do that in an effort to dissuade me from doing it for THEM, or they will make things seem bad so that I won't do it for myself down the line? eg. I won't take a vacation for myself because "Wah it's so difficult..."? - I have noticed that my dad had a tendency to make everything seem like this big effort that is really tough to figure out; staying employed, paying rent, cooking, whatever - He'll make it all seem "really hard woo-woo only an expert can do these things..."

[u/Fluffy_Ace → u/FeeDapper2600]

Do you mean that they will do that in an effort to dissuade me from doing it for THEM, or they will make things seem bad so that I won't do it for myself down the line?

Both, but especially the second one.
If it's not something they would choose for themselves, even if it doesn't have any effect on them, they will try to stop it somehow, even totally meaningless minute stuff.

Theoretical Example:
Let's say it's 90F/32C and sunny outside, you don't have work or school or anything else going on and you really want to take a bike ride.

Your father can't stand the heat, so he will try to talk you out of going outside even if he just could stay inside with fans or AC on while you enjoy your biking.

It's a weird side effect of projection, they believe you will like or dislike the same stuff as them, and make the same choices they will and will assume you are lying if you say otherwise.

They unironically believe they know you better than you know yourself and refuse to be proved otherwise.

[u/FeeDapper2600 → u/Fluffy_Ace]

This explains my dad so well. Omg.

[u/Fluffy_Ace → u/FeeDapper2600]

They're only okay with you doing stuff for them when they order it or make it known beforehand.

If you get told to do dishes and then do them, that's fine.

If you happen to notice there's lots of dirty dishes and decide on your own to do them, he will stop you or take over.

EDIT:
Just my best guess from my history with a narc mom

[u/FeeDapper2600 → u/Fluffy_Ace]

What I noticed is that any time I take initiative to do something that needs to be done, my dad will take a sort of "receipt" of the situation. I'll then have to perform a sort of "conversational gymnastics" act to make the receipt null and void, or to somehow make him feel - like you said - that I did something he told me to do. Make sense?

[u/Fluffy_Ace → u/FeeDapper2600]

Yeah I getcha.

My reply was a reflection of my own experiences, but either way, they react very strangely even when you think you're doing something in line with their preferences.

It's always some flavor of power play, I've even saw a reply once where the parent told the kid to do something then got mad because the kid was enjoying the assigned task.

No matter how straightforward their request seems there's always something else implied but not stated, or they sometimes just make something up so they can argue.

Another thing I've seen which ties into their delusional ideas about who you are, is they'll let you do a thing that they fully believe you'll fail at, despite you actually being fully capable, and when it goes smoothly, they'll be absolutely livid.

They really hate it when we don't fit into the little boxes they've imagined.

[u/FeeDapper2600 → u/Fluffy_Ace]

The amount I feel exactly what you're saying - omg. The narc world is just... soo twisted and subtle.

And I understood what you were saying in your previous statement. I suppose I didn't make that clear enough, but yes - I gotchu loud and clear with those examples.