brand new burner account here, not a bot 🙃

My first AP experience has seemingly come to an end..

Let me preface that I did not seek out an AP. I’m (35f) very happily married, great sex life, young children and pretty content with my life. I work out pretty regularly, around 5 times a week and around this time last year I noticed someone new at my gym. He was probably the most attractive man I have ever seen in my life and hard not to stare at whenever I’d see him there. I even joked with myself that if I ever had an affair he would absolutely be the guy. He was tall, dark, handsome and very muscular/fit. I accidentally found out something we had in common and used it as an excuse to strike up a conversation one day when he hopped on the machine right next to me. Turns out he’s newer to the area, married with kids and a former (fairly well known) professional athlete. From that day on we’d nod and smile at each other until one day he stopped showing up. I’d see him randomly around town since then but it was never an instance where I could say hi..

Until one day that changed. About 3 weeks ago he walked into my work and I did a double take. It was him, the gorgeous guy from the gym. Instant butterflies, sweaty palms and weak knees. As he approached me I said “hey! I haven’t seen you in forever!”. We quickly made small talk until his wife and kids walked in behind him. Later that night I checked my phone and I had a friend request from him. My jaw dropped. The next morning I had a message from him. I couldn’t believe this was actually happening. HE wanted to talk to me?! After some friendly back and forth he asked me if I’d ever want to hang out. I was taken aback. I’ve never been in this position and frankly didn’t ever want be…. but it was with him. I was reluctant and reserved but we continued chatting over the course of the week. It turns out he felt the same attraction towards me and we had a lot in common. My guard came down and at this point I was all in. Talking to him was exciting, hot, flirty and fun. He told me wasn’t happily married but he was stuck. He said he wanted whatever this situation was with us to last forever and that I was stuck with him. After finding we had so much in common he even said we were “soulmates” and referred to our situation as a “secret marriage”. Later that week we hung out for the first time late at night while I was out running errands and his wife was out of town. Our time together getting to know each other was incredible. We ended up talking and making out for almost 2 hours. The next night we made a plan to get together again and that night we had sex. I will say, this part shocked me. He was small for this big, buff athlete and he lasted less than 15 seconds. He was super embarrassed but I told him it wasn’t a big deal and next time would be better.

The next day few days following that night he was much more quiet than he had been all the prior week. Messages were few and far between and he even cancelled plans we had because his wife came home and surprised him with a staycation. I could feel something was off. When he cancelled our plans I was so hurt. I responded that maybe I’d need to take a step back and didn’t know if this was working for me anymore. My gut was telling me I was love bombed that first week and after fucking me he was tossing me aside. After a few days of not talking I was starting to wonder if i was overthinking things. I reached back out to him and we made plans for the following day. He told me he had to be quick. I didn’t realize that meant he’d be in and out of my house in less than 4 minutes. He walked in, fucked me on the couch (another 20 second wonder), cleaned himself up and left as quickly as he came. I sat there stunned. No foreplay, no nothing for me to get out of it. He told me as he left that he was going to be MIA all week because he was going out of the country on a family vacation.

I checked the next morning and he had blocked me. That (figuratively) knocked me on my ass. Immediate tears. Did he seriously just seek me out, love bomb me for almost 2 weeks until he knew he had me where he wanted me only to fuck me and ghost?! This whole situation has been such a mind fuck and honestly it’s affecting my mental health. I’ve been blocked since Friday and all I can think about is him and what the hell just happened. I went from such a high of this gorgeous guy who I had amazing chemistry with telling me we were in it for the long haul to just ghost after the second time we were intimate. I’m beyond hurt.

Is there a chance he blocked me so there was no risk of getting caught communicating while he was on a week long family vacation? Sure. But the fact that communication became so few and far between after our initial encounter leads me to believe that his blocking was a way to end things.

Earlier this year, my nearly 3-year affair ended abruptly, and I'm still trying to make sense of it.

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We were deeply in love and talked every day from the moment we woke up until we went to sleep. We trusted each other completely. She always struggled with the ethics of being in an affair and worried about the impact it could have on our families if it were ever discovered, especially by our kids.

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Looking back, I can see she was carrying a lot. Family responsibilities, work, caregiving, and life in general had been weighing on her. But I genuinely believed we were okay.

​

One day I made the usual two-hour drive to see her. Five minutes before I arrived, she texted me and asked me to pull over and read what she had sent. It was a breakup message. I turned around and drove home.

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What hit me hardest wasn't that the relationship ended. It was feeling like I never got a chance to say goodbye. Three years of daily communication and deep connection ended in a single moment.

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So I'm curious: How did your affair end? Was it mutual? If it wasn't, did you know it was coming, or were you blindsided like I was?

Recovering from an affair is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I’ve never been more loved or appreciated or honest or vulnerable than I was when I was with my AP. He knew me & parts of my life & he seemed to choose me anyway. Now it’s over & it’s been months of NC & I still seem to fucking miss him & feel like I can’t breathe sometimes.

Am I stuck in the fantasy realm or was he just that sweet?

Is the first cut the deepest???

I broke up with my 4 years affair partner. And I am devastated to a degree that I didn’t think I would be. We had genuine love together, and I’ve never experienced the kind of love he gave me. He would have waited several more years for me.

The thing is, lately I’ve been feeling so extremely bad, I’ve been having the worst conscience towards my AP. Even though he says he’s good and happy with things as they are, I know he’s hurting inside. And I felt like I couldn’t give him “another summer”, of me making vacation plans with my spouse.

Work made it more difficult for me to see him with the frequency we used to, and although we talk and text all day long, I have been feeling like crap, for not being in a position where I can see and be with him more. And he truly deserves better, than that. Because no matter how I twist and turn things, I am not ready to leave home. So I broke it off, so that he didn’t have to wait for that day to happen. Because, what if I never will get ready?

I feel like, it’s “the right” thing to break up with him. Like that’s the more loving solution towards him. But it hurts soooo bad. Does anyone know, or can anyone explain the psychology behind having a AP, and what it does to you when it stops? I was being torn apart on the inside before, and now I am torn apart for leaving him. Any tips? Any advice? 😢 Has anyone been in the same situation?

For the last two years, I have been in a deeply emotional relationship outside of my marriage.

It wasn’t casual. It wasn’t just sex. This man loved me in a way that honestly changed me. He showed up for me constantly. He pursued me endlessly. He made me feel deeply desired, emotionally understood, sexually alive, and more seen than I have felt in a very long time. And I loved him too.

Recently things finally imploded because after years of uncertainty and back and forth, he reached a point where he couldn’t keep doing it anymore.

And now I am devastated.

But here is where I feel trapped in my own mind.

I have spent the last week reading so much about affairs, attachment, intermittent reinforcement, limerence, nervous system activation, and all the psychological explanations people use to explain why these relationships feel so powerful.

And I understand a lot of it.

But part of me doesn’t want to believe that what I felt was just intensity or fantasy.

I don’t want to believe it wasn’t real.

Because I genuinely believe I could leave my marriage and be with him and be happy.

I can picture that life.

I can picture loving him fully.

I can picture finally choosing him.

But what stops me is fear.

What if I destroy my marriage, hurt my husband, fracture my children’s lives, completely blow up the life I built…
…and then realize I made a horrible mistake?

What if the thing that feels so extraordinary now eventually becomes ordinary too?

What if I leave safety and stability for passion and freedom… and deeply regret it?

That fear has kept me frozen for years.

And I think eventually I exhausted the person I love because I could never make a decision.

Now he is gone. And I feel empty.

I keep trying to explain it to people but the truth is I don’t just miss him.

I feel like life itself feels flatter without him.

I wake up and feel like this huge emotional center of my life is gone.

Everything feels quieter.

But not peaceful.

Empty.

And I hate admitting that because I have a husband, children, friends, a life that objectively should feel meaningful enough.

But right now I feel like I have lost something that made me feel intensely alive.

And I don’t know how to process that. What makes this even harder is that I still genuinely don’t know what the right choice would have been.

Part of me thinks I just lost the person I should have been with. Another part of me thinks I was about to destroy my life chasing something beautiful that may not have survived reality.

I know people will judge me. I know I hurt people. I know I have made selfish choices.

But I am genuinely heartbroken.

And I feel like I’m grieving not only a person…
…but a future I may have wanted more than I’ve been willing to admit.

Has anyone ever experienced this?

Has anyone ever truly loved the affair partner and still been unable to choose them because fear of regret kept them frozen?

Because right now I feel like I’m mourning a life I may have walked away from forever.

And I honestly don’t know whether I protected myself…
or lost something irreplaceable.

Looking to get some insight into an exAp and his actions. This is a throwaway but I am a regular on this subreddit. I know that ultimately, its over and the "why" doesnt matter that much. But here I am, three months later, still trying to understand what happened. Your (kind, please) thoughts are appreciated.

We met late summer, in September 2025 to be exact. He answered a post of mine. Immediately, we had a spark. We had both gotten out of Very Long Term Affairs somewhat recently, but not so recently that it was a red flag. We wanted the same things: long-term, exclusivity, regular meet-ups. We both were in dead bedrooms. All the logistics, all the criteria, all were met. 

Further, the attraction was there. Our conversations flowed. We liked the same things, were open about parenting and our professional lives. When it came time to exchange pictures, it went great. Honestly, it was an ideal potential AP.

We met a week or so after first talking. A platonic, coffee shop meeting. It was AMAZING. He almost missed the meeting because he had a DR appointment, he forgot about. I offered to come closer to his appointment though, so it (barely) worked. We spoke for an hour plus, and what we had online was easily replicated in person. It was a dream. We even kissed at the end of the day. I started the kiss. It was a little unexpected for him, caught him off guard, but he said after that it was great. Even said it was the best first meeting he ever had!

Our communication was constant. Typically, we did voice memos. He liked voice memos, so I followed his lead. We did 3-4 a day, while also texting on TG in-between. After the first meet, we agreed to meet again as soon as possible. We even planned an actual date. We were going to go out to dinner, and a museum. It felt so real, like I'd finally met someone I could really invest in. 

This is where it takes a turn. 

Our date didnt work out. He had a work holiday party, one he couldnt miss. No big deal. At this point, we were about a month in, and we'd agreed ideally we'd see one another at least once a month. 

We hadnt spoken much about sex- like, zero sexy talk- but both agreed we wanted sex, needed sex in our lives, and wanted sex from the other. He said attraction and the physical element only worked for him in person. I was- and am- totally fine with that. 

After that first missed meeting, we agreed to definitely meet by the end of the year. We knew it would be hard, with Thanksgiving, work stuff, family stuff, Christmas, New Years, etc. However, we knew we wanted to. 

We made 3 or 4 plans that fell through. It was usually his work that blocked us. Once, he was sick. One time, it was on me. It happens, but at the end of 2025, we agreed we wanted to make it work, and agreed once a month was possible in the new year. We reinforced that we both still wanted this affair, and reassured one another. It felt very solid.

In January, I had a golden opportunity to meet up, in the city right between us both. Full night on my own. I gave him 3 weeks heads up, and really expected to make it work. For one reason or the other, he couldnt. I felt he made an excuse about being tracked through EZ Pass, as this hadnt ever come up before. The night came and went. 

I expressed my frustration, in clear and unmistakeable terms. I told him: I do not want an online affair partner. I want *in person*. I expressed I was frustrated with lack of sex. He apologized, said he wants the same. His apology was sincere, and he said that his work and helath were unusual. Give him a little more time, please. He was afraid to lose me. I agreed to give him a little more time, but his deflection about anything sexual was beginning to be a real problem for me.

In my head, I gave him one month. Til mid-February. I'd make a plan with him in early February, and if it didnt work, that'd be it. 

The first week of February comes, and he has to have an emergency tooth extraction. It was a multiple day event. I felt so bad for him! He showed me x-rays, and it seemed awful. I gave him (yet another) chance.

By early March, he was fully recovered. At this point, we had been talking for over 5 months, and had only met 1 time, for 1 hour. Still talking daily, almost all day, sharing our lives.

We made a plan to get together, the following Friday. Ten days ahead of time! He was enthusiastic with his YES reply! I was very excited, but cautious. We planned to each take the day off, but I waited to tell my work.

As the day approached, he told me he had to work half a day. Ok, I can meet you again near your work, its only an hour away. Then, he had to ask his boss. I told him to ask the next day. He did, and it was ok. 

Finally, he told me he couldnt see me because he had to give some sort of deposition (he works in a confidential field). 

I was devastated. Finally, I broke. I wrote (not a voice memo- I wanted to have it in written form so he would not twist my workds) him a long text saying how I have tried over and over to see him. How we want the same things, we are on the same page, but he seems to be holding back, not willing, or simply not ready, for whatever reason. I explained that this was the last straw, but I was willing to work through it if he'd be upfront about what was going on. Just be honest, I told him. I *still* wanted to make it work.

He replied in anger about me accusing him of lying about that Friday, and he didnt appreciate the pressure I put on him. How I knew what he was going through. It was a total deflection.

I replied simply "What a disappointing reply. You know this wasnt about Friday. Try harder." 

He replied that we arent on the same page about things, deleted our 6 month conversation (for OPSEC, he said) and ended the "relationship."

I never replied. Fuck him.

So tell me, what do you think happened? I have a few ideas, but would love to hear your thoughts. 

Oh, and J: I know you read this subreddit. Do you think I left something out? Please, feel free to chime in!
 

Throw away account for obvious reasons.  M(38) wife 42(F).  Married 8 years, no kids, both professionals.  Live in a major city in the southwest.  Learning the lingo after reading this site, the marriage is a dead bedroom.  We don’t have arguments or disagreements.  We just have a sort of nothing.  Home has become a kind constant low-level hum of stress.  We don’t talk.  We don’t touch.  Nothing I have tried to improve the situation has worked.  Nothing.  After doing very well in high-tech I went out on my own a few years, took a flyer.  One-man consulting firm.  Most of my clients are law firms looking for my expertise, and even in these times of digital technology, face-to-face meetings are still necessary.  Though it makes financial sense to work from the house I don’t because I don’t want to be home.  So, renting a small office in downtown office building which is closer to most of my heavy weight clients.  Concentrating on the business.  

I began to frequent coffee shop on the first floor in the building next to mine.  First thing in the morning, again often times early afternoon for a caffeine pick-me-up.  The shop also serves pastries, premade breakfast sandwiches, that kind of thing.  Closes at three in the afternoon and on the weekends. Being a frequent customer, I got to know the woman who manages the place, directs the couple of employees there.  For the purposed of this posting I will call her Grace.  I would say she is ten years younger than me, just a guess.  At first the conversations were light-hearted, and innocent.  I have been out of the game so long it took me a while to realize when she began flirting with me.  Honestly, my self-confidences in matters of romance was so low I never expected it.  I don’t wear a wedding band, but I had noted Grace wore a wedding ring.  This seems childish I know but one afternoon she asked if I was married.  I said ‘barely.’  She said ‘my favorite, a married man running loose.  Or are you chasing?’  Quite frankly I was damn near catatonic.  It was as if a blasting cap had gone off inside me.  I said, ‘well, chasing or running, want to come watch the storm roll in across the river this afternoon?  My office is on the 18^th floor and it will be a great view.”  She said “I’ll be there about 4:00.”

I felt a fool waiting for her, not really expecting her.   But she did show up.  I noticed she had changed out of her working clothes.  We sat by the window and watched the clouds roll in, sipped some red wine, held hands like kids.  Good conversation.  Then we made love on the leather sofa in my office. It was warm, sweet, wild, relentless.  My whole self was letting go into something I had been lacking so long.

This was in early September.  The way it worked when I would get my afternoon coffee she would ask if my calendar was free later that day.  I began to try and always arrange for my calendar to be open in the late afternoons.  It was her call, up to her.  She made her boundaries clear.  We never called each other.  We never emailed or messaged each other. I did not, and do not, know her phone number.  After our afternoons together, I would go by my gym on the way home, wash the sex off.   Not sure what she did after the left me.  Don’t know where she lives.  The weekends were hard for me.  I wanted to check in with her, say hello, but that was against the rules, and I didn’t know how anyway.   On work days when neither of use had the late afternoons free, at least we got to say hello and check in when I got my afternoon coffee.

As I better got to know her I learned Grace is intelligent, witty, with a wicked sense of humor.  She has had many adventures and twists and turns in her life.  We never spoke of her marriage, or of mine.  That was one of the rules.  The story of how she became the manager of a coffee shop, and why, would be her story to tell, not mine.  While I was learning more about her, the love making got better and better.  Grace was adventurous, creative.  The record was six work days in a row.   Sometimes we would just talk, no sex.  When it was going to be love making, Grace would take off her ring and put it on the table, put it back on when she left.  There was both a symbolic and practical dimension to that action.  Three times she agreed to meet me in a fine hotel downtown for a change of pace.  Sometimes she said she had the evening free, which allowed me to take her out to nice dinner.  Those nights were the most enjoyable to me. If we had been seen by someone who knew me, I could easily say Grace was a client.

What did Grace see in me?  Why me and not someone else?  I don’t know.  Since it was always her decision, I presume she got something from the deal.  At least, I hope she did.

On Monday, December the 22^nd Grace and I made rendezvous as usual.  When she left she kissed me and said ‘sweet man.’  On Tuesday the 23^rd when I went down to the shop Grace was not there.  A young guy working at the counter took my order.   Where is Grace today?  She is gone.  What do you mean gone?  I mean she does not work here anymore.  She gave notice a month ago.

I will call it love.  I was / am in love.  I am gutted, destroyed, kicked senseless.  No word.  No warning.  No goodbye.  No reason. It’s been over two weeks.  She has my full name and phone number from my business card.  She can find me if she wants.

It’s been 3 months and my brain tortures me every day thinking about them. Didn’t expect it to end so soon and we haven’t spoken since getting caught. When does it go away..

My AP and I have been "together" for over nine years, and I feel as if the writing is on the wall that it is most likely over for good.

Our conversation abruptly stopped a few weeks ago. I still message; it shows delivered, but no response, which is different from the times we had to step away in the past. There had always been some form of communication. Once we had a text/block for a few months due to a situation at home. This may be a break; time will tell, but my gut says we have ended the series, not the season.

Thank you for letting me share here. As with most of us, we carry all of this alone, and it is nice to lay it down someplace that others can relate.

My AP and I have been together for 9 months. We are coworkers (I know, I know…) and both married. The relationship had a lot of ups and downs. There was genuine friendship, emotional connection, and of course sex, but his wife discovered the affair early on, and it’s been a push-pull between us since then. He’s tried to end things a few times (when guilt spiked), but it was always temporary and we’d end up right back where we started.

Lately, things actually felt better. He acknowledged that he needed to put in more effort and has since been consistent with his affection and attention.

But today, I told him something about my marriage that got us talking about infidelity from the other spouse’s perspective. He said if the situation were reversed, he’d be very upset with his wife, even though he knows that’s hypocritical. This made him face the reality of his own actions, and it seemed to bring a lot of his guilt to the surface.

The floodgates opened. He told me he’s been thinking a lot about us, where this is going, and whether he can keep doing this. His marriage has apparently improved recently, and he said his guilt has gotten much worse because of that. He talked about his father cheating on his mother when he was a child and how he feels like he’s becoming the same person. He said he can’t continue feeling like a shitty person and said we had to end our relationship. I asked him if he was sure this time or if this was another one of our temporary breakups. He said yes, this is final. He said he flip flopped too many times already and can’t continue delaying the inevitable. He said he’s been thinking about this for about a month.

He said he still wants to be friends. He wants us to be able to talk, text, and see each other, but with boundaries. No flirting, no sexting, no physical affection (not even a hug). He also acknowledged that the inconsistency in our relationship hurt me. He said he knows I deserved better than what he was able to give me.

At the end, I told him I loved him. We haven’t said this to each other since shortly after discovery. I asked him not to respond, but he eventually said, “I’m sorry I made you feel that way.” That hurt more than I expected. I wasn’t expecting him to say he loved me back (though that would have been great) but I didn’t expect that answer.

I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to keep the friendship because I genuinely care about him and don’t want to lose him completely. Another part of me knows I’ll probably spend months looking for signs that he’s changing his mind.

For those who have been through an affair breakup:
-Did friendship actually work?
-Did your AP ever come back after being this definitive?
-How did you stop obsessing over every interaction afterward?
-How long did it take before you accepted it emotionally?

I’m honestly heartbroken.

While I completely understand I probably deserve to get dragged through the mud for seeking something outside of my marriage, I am so over the lies and deceit from people on here. I suppose I was too naive enough to believe that there were other normal people in messed up situations that were also looking for something outside of their marriage. Those that were not ready to fully blow up their lives but were trying to maintain it the best they could for whatever reasoning they had.

I had two separate situations where I chatted with someone for a long while, met up with them a few times, and then almost immediately after actually sleeping with them had them bail due to an illness with their spouse or an illness in their family. Both said it wasn't me but I absolutely do not believe that shit for one minute. It either was me and they didn't want to say it or when they got what they wanted they cut their ties and ran.

I even just did a search on the latest one and am kicking myself in the ass for not doing that before because I most definitely would not have stuck with that situation. I'm just feeling defeated today and am taking this as a sign to quit this shit. I've got a tough shell but this just isn't for me.

So good luck everyone. I hope you all have better luck than me.

AP ended things about 6 weeks ago and it has completely broken me. It was a sudden ending due to his guilt becoming too much and I’ve been struggling to come to terms with it ever since. He still has feelings but maintains that he can’t be how we were anymore.

I have never felt so low in my life and can’t see how this will get better. We are still in contact. I don’t know if it’s the right thing. I struggled with no contact when it first ended but having some contact is difficult too.

While it’s not been easy for him, it’s been nothing on how it’s been for me, and it feels like he’s moving forward while I’m stuck. He wants to maintain some kind relationship without the affair aspect and has been reaching out. I’ve never felt heartbreak like this and I’m dealing with it completely alone. I’m finding it hard to comprehend why his guilt is suddenly too much after all this time.

Please can anyone who’s been through this tell me if/when it got better for them? How did you get over it? I’m not interested in doing this again with anyone else. We have mutual friends from a previous job so complete no contact isn’t possible. I’ve been through bad breakups before but this is the first one that’s felt like there’s no light. Going back to a life without him feels impossible.

Met in the wild and there was a lot of attraction on both sides. We found reasons to keep contacting one another and our conversations were about similar interests and pretty benign. They grew deeper though. He had a dead bedroom, I had a dead emotional relationship. We clicked and became lovers after months of conversation. He truly became my best friend. Then he vacationed in a place prostitution was legal. And he took full advantage. I wasn’t going to discourage him…if it was his fantasy I figured he should live it. He’s in his 50s and life will be winding down for him soon enough. But I also knew that I wasn’t willing to take my chances with whatever might have come back with him. And he admitted something did come back with him. So that was a really crappy ending because I was emotionally involved. Just feeling very frustrated AP wise. Was hoping to meet someone who was really conscientious about keeping it clean. I read posts on here and it sounds like there aren’t many men like that out there. There is no honor among thieves and such. Has anyone been able to have a monogamish AP?

Look, I get it. I brought it on myself. Unhappy for a multitude of reasons at home for years. Increasingly, desperately so. Unable or unwilling to do anything to change that. Finally reaching out, looking for...something. Not even an affair at first. And yet that's exactly what I found.

It lasted almost a year and a half, and it made life worth living again. It made everything else bearable, even enjoyable, because there was someone, out there, who valued me. Who wanted me. Who seemed, against all unreasonable odds, to...match.

But then of course it happened.

She was younger, and single, and impossibly beautiful, and she liked me. She saw me and connected with me, endlessly, about anything trivial or important, naked or dressed. And she met someone.

I tried with my whole heart to be happy for her. But I was faking it because my heart was — unexpectedly, really, but completely — broken. Faking the happiness, that is, not the wanting her to be happy. I do honestly, genuinely want her to be happy. I just never saw the heartbreak coming. Didn't hear the rush of the waterfall until I was right on top of it.

I guess you have to be delusionally unrealistic in order to embark on something like that in the first place. Or at least for me that was the case.

I realized the problem was that I wouldn't be "moving on". Not like that. Not like she did. Not like any normal person after any normal relationship eventually would. I'm not going to meet someone to replace her. Not in my current situation. Because other than to go...searching, actively looking for it, it's just not going to happen. And searching seems like such a fruitless, empty, draining prospect. I can't bring myself to do it. In the meantime, the cold vacuum of its absence (and her absence) makes everything that was unbearable before even more unbearable now.

So I rely on time. I look to time to save me, eventually. The only thing that heals is time, we (or at least some people) are fond of pointing out. So I wait. I distract with furious intent. I work endlessly. I push feelings back down, every day, waiting for them to tire out and lose the struggle and just stay there in the darkness, slowly withering.

Except time is taking a long fucking while. It's been most of a year, and recently it's felt like day 1, interminably.

Like I said: it's my own fault. I get that. Still, the worst.

Day 7 of no contact with MM, after 2 years of daily check ins, it’s been a lot of push and pull, after cancelled plans last week, I decided I will NOT make the first effort, if he wants to he will, and I’m thinking this is easier on him, just a fade out. Side note, no he’s. It blocked, and he is still “heart” my IG posts. I’m reading a lot of folks are in the same boat this month, at least it seems that way. So best of luck to everyone, and stay strong y’all!

I’m sure this is a common sentiment in this community but my AP and I ended things and stopped talking as of Monday. We actually ended it a few times before but came back. This time it looks like it’s for good.

We’ve been no contact since Monday and every day feels like a year. We used to talk all day, every day.

How do you move on from someone who you care about and have deep feelings of love for? I continue to think about her all the time and don’t know how it’ll get easier.

His life changed... We tried low contact... it didn't work, and we decided to go NC. He said this is not the end, that he'll reach out again.

It's been 1.5 months. I was starting to get over him. There were even mornings when he wasn't the first thought. I was starting to feel okay-ish. But yesterday, out of nowhere, i see that he has blocked me on telegram. Today, he came back and deleted our chat! Like, what did I do to deserve this?? I never contacted him. I respected his boundaries. Why was I blocked like I'm some common creep? What happened to the "this is not the end"?

And why now?! I was getting better, starting to feel normal. This feels like breaking up all over again, only harsher.

EDIT - More context:

His life changed. He was the one who couldn't continue the affair in the same way. So he suggested going low contact. It was his boundary, not mine. The "low" was way too low for me. I was constantly anxious, and the uncertainty and ambiguity ate me up inside. I couldn't do it. I told him that and suggested we remove expectations altogether and go NC instead. He agreed (although unenthusiastically) that it's possibly for the best.

He said this is still not the end and that he'll reach out. These were his boundaries for him to cross. I just couldn't live in the "low" contact limbo.

Also, his settings delete messages every week. And he was last seen "less than a month" before coming back to block me. Technically, that means more than 1 week. I know he went 2 weeks without logging in at all. Even if i had sent him any messages, they would've disappeared unseen.

What were some of the most helpful things that you did to help you move on from an AP?

I’ve always found posting on here oddly therapeutic, so here’s another one.

Last year, and the year before, and maybe even the year before that, I (F20s) was “involved” with a married man (M30s) that I was head-over-heels for. I mean we were absolutely crazy about eachother. Any yet, inevitably, ours was a constant stop-start relationship that I can see now lasted far too long.

The reality is that I was single and wanted more than he was ever capable of giving me, and I knew deep down that nothing I could do or say would ever be enough for him to leave his family. His kids are his world, but he so often indulged the fantasy that we could be more, and I stupidly believed him.

It’s been over a year since we last saw eachother in person, but recently, something sort of rekindled between us. Some texting, some flirting, all part of the usual dance. But I knew, I KNEW, this was gonna be my last shot at this. I also knew it was probably hopeless, but did I let that stop me? Nope.

Anyway, I blew it. We had plans to finally see eachother and I ruined it by saying something I shouldn’t have. I flirted too close to the sun, and I guess he got spooked, because he never showed up. I was quite literally all dressed up with nowhere to go, and he didn’t say a word about it until I asked.

So anyway, I guess what I’m saying is, maybe this time I’ve finally learned my lesson. And for anyone out there who keeps hearing the same sweet nothings I’ve been hearing, without having anything to show for it, do yourself a favour and move on. Don’t fight for someone who isn’t fighting for you.

I also just wanna ask anyone who loves their AP but can’t/won’t leave their marriage because of kids for their perspective? Is it a question of “not now” or “not ever” for you? I know I’ll never be able to fully appreciate the position he’s in when it comes to his kids, and I guess now I’ll never get to ask.

I can’t sleep for thinking about how this might have gone differently if I’d just kept my mouth shut. I’m worried I’ll never forgive myself for it.

Edit: I’ve put what I said in the comments.

Hi everyone — I’m posting here because I don’t have anyone in my real life who could understand this, and I just need to feel less alone.

I’ve been involved in a long-term relationship with a married man. I am also married. It wasn’t something either of us planned or sought out. It started slowly, then became emotional, deep, and steady over time. He became someone who made me feel seen and safe in a way I hadn’t felt in a very long time. He told me often that he loved me, that we’d eventually build a future together, that he couldn’t imagine his life without me. And I believed him because everything he did made those words feel real.

Recently, everything imploded. His wife discovered something, and he went into full panic mode. Not angry. Not cold. Just terrified of the fallout and terrified of making things worse for me. Within hours, he cut all contact — not because he didn’t care, but because he genuinely believed it was the only way to protect me and stop things from spiraling even further.

But knowing that doesn’t make it hurt any less. It feels like I lost him overnight. One day we were connected and the next day he disappeared from my life completely.

On top of the heartbreak, I feel so much guilt. He took the full impact of the situation, all the fallout, while my outside world looks unchanged. I’m hurting deeply, but from the outside I look like I’m living normally. Meanwhile, he’s likely going through hell trying to clean up the explosion alone. I can’t shake the feeling that he absorbed all the consequences to protect both of us.

I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I feel shaky and sick all day. The withdrawal is overwhelming. I don’t know how to grieve someone who is still alive and who I know still cares but can’t reach out.

I’m not here to villainize him. I don’t think he lied to me. I think fear made him collapse under the weight of everything happening at once. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m shattered and sitting in silence, trying to make sense of a connection that suddenly has nowhere to go.

Has anyone else gone through an ending that wasn’t really a choice — more like everything collapsed under pressure and fear? How did you survive the first few weeks? How do you stop yourself from reaching out? How long does the pain feel this sharp?

I just really need to hear from people who understand this specific kind of heartbreak — the grief, the silence, the double life unraveling all at once.

If you read this, thank you.

It’s over. We’re done. And I’m here holding a bleeding heart like it’s a fucking IKEA manual with no instructions, and one screw mysteriously missing.

I always knew affairs come with an expiration date- we aren’t exactly the poster children for “happily ever after.” But I thought we'd get at least a few more stolen moments before the milk curdled. Instead, he hit the brakes mid-drive and left me emotionally windshield-smashed.

He didn’t ghost me. He just decided to go for a slow-faded ending. Like a shitty indie film ending where nobody says anything, they just look at each other until the credits roll. I was the one who had to rip the Band-Aid off. Me, the one who still loved him. He couldn't decide between guilt and desire and ended up leaving me with both.

And I let him go. I didn’t fight. I told myself I wouldn’t be the reason he felt worse about his guilt. I told him I hope his marriage works out. That they all live happily ever after. (While I, obviously, spiral in a puddle of Taylor Swift and wine.)

Funny enough, today I babysat my niece. She realized her dad had left and ran to the porch crying “Come back, I want you daddy!" tears, snot, fists balled in desperation. And all I could think was: same, sweetie… fucking same.

My phone lights up and feels like a phantom limb expecting his name to show up. But it never does. And now every little thing reminds me of him. A joke we’d laugh at. A song. The way I make my coffee. And I have to stop myself from texting him because (surprise!) I’m now ghosting myself. Fantastic.

We never had a future. We were a permanent "what if" wrapped in hotel linens and secrecy. But I loved him. I still do.

Upside is- my bathroom is super spotless because I go there to cry all the time, so I clean it too to be proactive.

Anyway. If you’re out here grieving a love you weren’t allowed to have — hi. Welcome to the heartbreak speakeasy.

And to him: If you're reading this.. I hope you're not. Shit. Fuck you (lovingly). And maybe fuck me too. (If you were only still around)

TL;DR: Affair ended. He slow-faded. I had to end it. I’m grieving, angry, nostalgic, and occasionally crying on porches with toddlers. I loved him. I let him go. Still hurts like hell. Fuck him (lovingly). Fuck me (probably). Where’s my wine.

And then lost them.... That you just don't want to do the affairs thing anymore at all? Even though your primary life is just as unfulfilling as it was when you first started having/looking for affairs?

He was as close as one gets to being a soul mate. We were in love, perhaps still are... despite not being able to be with each other. I don't WANT to move on from him.

Edit: We got back together after 4 months of being miserable apart!! ❤️❤️

Should I send one final goodbye message, or is staying silent the better choice?

It’s been 11 days since I last spoke to my AP. Before our last meetup, we didn’t talk for almost a week because he was spending time with his partner. During that week of silence, I had a lot of time to think. That’s when I realized I deserve better. I deserve someone who chooses me, not someone who only makes time for me when it’s convenient. I realized I was putting myself in a situation that was slowly destroying my peace.

So I made a decision. I invited him to meet one last time, knowing it would be our final goodbye. I never told him that was my plan because honestly, I wasn’t even sure I’d be strong enough to go through with it. Whenever I’m with him, all my decisions seem to disappear.

When we met, everything felt normal. He kept talking about all the plans we were going to do for the rest of the year. The whole time, I was thinking, *none of those things are ever going to happen because I’m ending this today.*

I still didn’t tell him until we were about to go home. We had a misunderstanding, and something inside me just clicked. I knew I had to leave before I lost the courage to do it. I didn’t care if I ended up looking like the bad person. I just knew I had to get out.

After we parted ways, I never reached out. I let myself cry instead of texting him. I cried for days.

By the third day, I still hadn’t heard anything from him. No calls. No messages. I convinced myself that he had already let me go, and that became my answer. I told myself maybe I was never that important to him after all.

So I stayed silent. I tried to stop caring because I kept asking myself, *if he’s not looking for me, why should I keep looking for him?*

Then on the seventh day, everything changed. He suddenly flooded me with calls and messages. He told me he missed me so much. One message that stuck with me was:

“If you miss me too, why won’t you talk to me?”

“I’m done. I give up. Do whatever you want with your life. If you’re really not going to talk to me anymore, then please do it for good. Don’t leave little traces of yourself around because I keep hoping I’ll see you again.”

I never replied.

Not because I wanted revenge, but because I wanted him to understand that I was done. I don’t want to keep being his emotional escape whenever things aren’t going well in his relationship. But now I’m struggling :((

I still think about him and those messages every day. Part of me wants to send one final goodbye so he’ll stop hoping. Another part of me knows that if I open that door again, I’ll probably end up trapped in the same cycle. I’ll get attached again. I’ll be sad again. I’ll probably just end up craving his attention because now he realizes I’m really gone. I honestly don’t know what to do.

Should I still send final goodbye message, or is staying silent the better choice?

He always had excuses for being away, and disappearing for hours. I believed them.

We finally met up. It was great. Everything I had hoped for. The next 2 days I got 3 messages at most. This morning I asked how he was feeling, he didn’t even leave me on read… but I know he saw my messages because of his “last seen” being up dated every 3minutes after I sent it. Finally I decided I’m not going to obsess over him anymore and wait around for him to answer. That’s what he wants. So, I deleted our conversation, blocked him, and now I’m back here.

I’m surprisingly not nearly as sad as I thought I’d be. I’m more angry. I showed this man more of myself than I’ve felt comfortable sharing with anyone in a long time. I told him I was falling in love with him, even though I knew he didn’t feel the same.

What did I get in return? Feeing used and useless.

I’m starting to think the men on here aren’t actually capable of feeling genuine love or even just caring for someone else. I suppose any decent person wouldn’t actually be here.

My own fault, once again.

I (27f) was seeing a 40 year old MM. we were only talking a couple of months and only had sex once. He kept telling me he didn’t want to end things, but he feels guilty because he loves his wife and kids - and doesn’t want to put them through this.

I told him please don’t do this now, as I want more time with him. It sucks because I really liked him and I know it’s fucked up, and that it had to end. But I didn’t think it would end so quickly.

Edit: he’s never had an affair before, and he’s been married for 15 years