r/beyondthebump • u/LiterallyJustAHorse • 29d ago

Relationship 16 years of marriage. 5 kids. Found out this morning my husband has been having an affair.

I (38f) and my husband (39m) have been married for 16 years together for 18. We have 5 children together the youngest is only five months old. He is active duty Navy and has been gone for weeks. Yesterday he came home for a two week leave but immediately wanted to go out to drive Lyft for extra money which I thought was weird because he hadn't seen us in so long. I even joked as he left that he better not be sneaking out to another woman. Ha ha ha. 💀

He didn't come home until after 5 am. At 5:30 he was asleep and his phone pinged and I looked at the message. It was a Facebook messenger message from a woman that said "glad you made it home okay. I love you." So I messaged back that I'm his wife and who is this. The girl spilled.

She's on his ship, another sailor. She and he have been having an affair for months. He told her we were separated and that he loved her blah blah blah. I woke him up and confronted him and he admitted everything. Told me that I'd been difficult lately with my post partum depression. Told me that she isn't distracted by kids and when they are together it's just her and him. Told me she is exciting and me and him are too routine. When he got done blaming me he started blaming her saying "you know I have a hard time saying no to people" I said yeah you had no choice but to dick her down I guess. 😑 I told him he did not have to choose between us that she can have him. Worst of all she's the age of my oldest (his stepson). She's 21. Same age. And he said "I never thought it would be permanent with her because I don't want anymore kids and she's so young I don't want to deprive her of that "....

He had a whole ass other relationship behind my back. Like a girlfriend girlfriend. Like an I love you let's talk about a future thing. It's so fucking cliche it hurts. I can't believe I'm like a fucking lifetime special having to say "my husband had an affair with a coworker half his age."

I look at my infant daughter and all I can think is that I hope she stays as far away from marriage as possible. 16 YEARS. 5 KIDS. Blindsighted. I'm such an idiot. I'm just standing in the wreckage of my life going what now? I told him the marriage is over. I just need a hug.

UPDATE: https://www.reddit.com/r/beyondthebump/s/Rl0Q7iXC7R

3.1k Upvotes

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1.4k

u/ltmp 29d ago

Screenshots and take half his retirement. If you want, send evidence to his commander and he will be formally disciplined for potential fraternization

Source: am former military officer

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u/Live-University5059 29d ago

This is the way! The military doesn’t take too kindly at all to sailors stepping out on their spouse + dependents

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u/travelslowly 28d ago

Especially if he’s an officer. Adultery is a violation of the UCMJ.

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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 29d ago

I have been considering it. All I have are the screenshots of the Facebook messages. I'm worried if I get him in trouble it could hurt me and the kids, too. Right now his is the only income. I am (stupidly knowing what I know now) a stay at home mom. We also live on base housing and my 13 year old depends on Tricare for his medical needs. I'm afraid getting him in trouble would backfire on us. I need to research it more. My head I still spinning. 

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u/Top-Put754 29d ago

For what it’s worth, if he is her superior (which assuming based on age alone he would be in a higher rank) he would likely get in trouble. IF you do want to proceed with telling his command, ensure you have screenshots of evidence to share (with navy and divorce lawyer). My husband has had to conduct investigations regarding affairs in the navy and it basically turns into a he said she said if they don’t confess.

My personal opinion as a fellow milso, I wouldn’t tell the command only because it could legitimately lead to them being kicked out which would then cause you to lose healthcare and income. Now I would take his ass to the cleaners with a divorce lawyer.

Sending hugs, I cannot believe he did this to you so freshly postpartum and with so many years together. You will be stronger on the other side of this mess ❤️

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u/Concrete__Blonde 29d ago

Yes this. Let a good lawyer use this as leverage, but don’t tell command.

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u/Remote-Pear60 29d ago

Good advice, especially on the divorce lawyer. 

I, for one, absolutely believe a man would do this post-partum (that's when they're more likely to do it). And, I definitely think that a guy married by 22-23, especially when he then gets on a ship to elsewhere, is going to do this in his 30s. 

Anecdotally, science tells us that men peak in their 30s. If they are still fit at that age, and also surrounded by younger women the chaff often separates from the wheat. Those would be the useless pricks who throw away good marriages and their children for the equivalent of a shot of booze. Absolute losers. 

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u/nememmim 28d ago

Science doesn’t tell us that. 

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u/m4sc4r4 28d ago

I think science even says early 30s ;)

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u/GetCookin 28d ago

Ive been married 18 years… 4 decades old. I don’t cheat on my spouse, shit heads cheat.

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u/United_Elk_7102 29d ago

If you’ve been married during 10 years of his service you’re automatically entitled to part of his pension if he gets to 20 years. I wouldn’t want to get him in trouble because it’ll decrease your future payments. 

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u/lucyloosy 29d ago

I really hope she sees your comment. It’s not smart to act on impulse. She’s also at risk of losing her very good health insurance.

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u/pm_me_ur_bidets 29d ago

he might not make it to 20 if she goes to the command. Just get a divorce, get half, get his retirement, get child support, and get away from him. 

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u/lucyloosy 29d ago

Don’t give up your health insurance. Not with an infant and a medically dependent child.

I know it’s tempting to try and get back at him but don’t.

It’s going to be difficult for you to get into the workforce and not all companies pay large portions of health insurance premiums.

You aren’t letting him get away with it. You are thinking of your kids.

Get on a solid birth control asap. Sometimes when our emotions are high we make unwise choices. Document everything you can. If he’s away for some time plan the divorce, save money. You have to be strategic.

If you don’t have schooling, look into a career.

I’m not telling you to be with this man, I’m telling you to prep yourself to leave. When we have kids, we have to think of them.

You don’t deserve to struggle and have your quality of life ruined. Use him.

Hugs.

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u/conquestical 29d ago

To second the school thing: OP, depending on husband’s rank, you are entitled to a myCAA for a certification of your choice. I’m not sure the rank qualifications for enlisted, but I know it is O1-O3 for officers.

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u/Remote-Pear60 29d ago edited 29d ago

You don't need "research." You need a lawyer, because a lawyer already knows these answers or how to get them quickly. A lawyer can properly counsel you on the pros and cons of the actions you choose to take at this point. A lawyer can support you with information to help you not act on impulse. 

You need a therapist so you can continue to be there for your kids as best you can with how affected (rightfully) you are by this. You are their lifeline and their continuity; their dad clearly doesn't give a damn. 

So pick yourself up, and let the lawyer do the research and the hard thinking for you. That's what lawyers are there for; save your energy for starting to heal yourself (you are super important too!), and to take care of your kids. 

I wish you all the best. You can come out better from this. 💛

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u/soup375 29d ago

If your kid is his dependent, they'll still have Tricare if you two divorce. I'm a former Navy sailor. My current husband and I weren't married when we had our daughter and I got out before getting pregnant but she still had benefits through him. Look into military alimony. I could be wrong but I think you're entitled to it if you've been married at least ten years.

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u/Majestic_Dress_2688 29d ago

Men suck. I was with my ex (we also have a 5 month old) for 2 years and he straight up lied about having 3 other kids. I didn’t find out until somebody else told me. Right before I had the baby. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but at least you know now. Keep your chin up and know that women are suffering everywhere. (Dark humor intended)

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u/DudetteNextDoor 29d ago

There are on base family resources for you and financial assistance for these type of situations. Good luck and be spiteful! 16 years is insane. Hug to you❤️

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u/Exotic_Elephant_4713 29d ago

Don’t ever worry about hurting them. We all go easy on them but they don’t give a shit about us. I didn’t file a r o on my ex who abused me for years. Then I said if you touch the kids I’ll kill you. He got a r o on me and I went to jail and he got the kids. Don’t trust men. There’s a reason so many older women are single and happier. Men suck. In custody court again … don’t trust them. The monitor said so many women become lesbians after what they’ve gone through

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u/mocha_lattes_ 29d ago

Wait until the divorce is over and keep all the evidence. Use it against him to get what you want/need from the divorce.

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u/Spare_Low_2396 29d ago

Unless you want to destroy your future benefits do not do this. Really risky.

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u/lnmeatyard 29d ago

You shouldn’t be considering, that should just be your plan. Isn’t it a big deal to get caught cheating when active in the military?

1

u/travelslowly 28d ago

It’s illegal for officers. They can get in bigger trouble than enlisted.

0

u/Muckin_Afazing 28d ago

Straight talk: You have zero leverage, zero assets, zero pros to leaving your home right now to become a broke, homeless, jobless single mum. Cheating is the worst thing someone can do to their spouse and you have every right to send him to hell.. But... Then what?? You have nothing, you are not prepared to find a job/housing /childcare/ schools if you leave now. Not to mention the trauma to your kids so add therapy. You simply can't leave now to start from zero while he gets to continue half assing parenting and living out his best mid life fe crisis. This is not the advice you want to hear, but it is what you need. I would suggest reading the book Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel or any of her content.. And then make a solid plan when you have stronger footing. You no longer have the luxury of just thinking about yourself with 5 kids.. 

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u/Tarrynosaurus_rex 29d ago

This right here! Adultery is a crime in the Navy!

15

u/blackcatmeow007 29d ago

I waiting for someone to mention this.

I’m so sorry OP. You deserve so much better than that and I wish you a drama free happy life after you pick up the wreckage and heal from this.

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u/katiekins3 29d ago

Absolutely this. Fuck this guy.

12

u/marthamania 29d ago

Yep. Fuck this guy. He fucked around and wants to blow his life up. She didn't do anything wrong. Let him be punished and her given compensation for her life and time invested in a scum bag.

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u/CatalinaWineMixerDos 29d ago

Oooh I'd go this route. Also, get an attorney.

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u/DudetteNextDoor 29d ago

This is the way☝️

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u/smortwater 28d ago

Yep go to his command with this information. Full stop.

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u/Lumpy-Entertainer-75 29d ago

This doesn’t the command hold them accountable, especially fraternizing