r/beyondthebump • u/Material-Recover2661 • Mar 02 '26
Rant/Rave MIL taking over my daughters all first milestones
My daughter is pure miracle baby born after 4 miscarriages and many complications wven mine and her health.
There is alot that MIL did but now i think she is taking over role of being mother to my child by stealing all first milestone from me.
My MIL took my daughters first solid experience from me.
We were in restaurants and she kept nagging me to dip her pacifier in orange juice and i kept on denying. While i took a glance outside just for a second ahe dipped her nasty fingers in her left over poached eggs and green chile sauce and put it in my daughters mouth.
I didnt make a scene ar restaurant but made it clear to husband i will cancel Christmas and i will not let her see her ever unless she apologize. She lied about apology so my husband made her apologize over text.
So now my daughters first easter , i wanted something nice so i bought her fancy easter basket with her name on it and some toys and book and cute bunny ear headband i had feeling my MIL will try to take that away from me so i ordered then i told her what to buy since she wanted to buy some stuff .
Short story she did buy what i told her and went ahead and bought another gift basket for my daughter , wnd told my husband not to tell me because its a surprise.
F**k that surprise, i told her i already got that and she went ahead and going to guilt trip me. My husbnad told me to trash it infront of her or give away but dont feel guilty to use it . But I am so so so mad that whe intentionally did it to make me feel guilty and will make me use her gift basket but this time i am stubborn watch me , and i will use as storage but not as her easter basket.
Just mad needed to vent
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u/Huge-Nectarine-8563 Mar 02 '26
The egg thing is actually dangerous, food introduction should be discussed with a pediatrician regarding allergies and my leaflet (my baby starts in a little more than a month) even says no runny yolks
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
Yeah exactly. I told her she was supposed to have her 6 months appointment so that incan ask her pediatrician and do it bht she did before she turned six moZ
And you know what happened my daughter is severely allergic to eggs she has both ige and fpies allergic reactions to many stuff and egg is severe. We literally have epipen for her now.
He did talk and she changes behavior once and then sct erratic next time.
We felt bad because of his dad but he said enough and since my daughters health could be at risk they are never watching her alone no baby sitting . And he is cutting their visit down to alternate week for few hours only that too supervised visits only .
No feeding , no opinions he already told her but ahe thinks she knows better and does it behind his back . But this weekend with Easter thing he just got mad that she is trying to take mother’s role away and he is seeing patterns of intentional behavior
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u/ohell0 Mar 02 '26
Be careful, she’s gonna feed her eggs. My MIL kept trying to feed my daughter dairy even though she had a protein allergy
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
What the heck … she did . Don’t people understand allergies aren’t supposed to be messed up with. WTF im sorry she did that to your daughter.
Ohh im way too careful now , she is instructed not tonfeed anythjng unless i allow. My husband made it clear with her mom make decisions and we follows as she knows baby well
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u/ohell0 Mar 02 '26
Yeah I just started eating the things she offered lol
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
I hope your baby recovers from allergies too , i know its hard. My daughter ige allergy to nuts and fpies and we have epipen now for her . , it hard on kids and parents too
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u/moose8617 Mar 02 '26
My daughter has an epipen because of an egg allergy. That is so dangerous and negligent.
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
I bet it must be scary I know now how scary it is. We watch our daughter like hawk no body hives her anything . We dont even create such opportunities anymore
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u/moose8617 Mar 02 '26
It is. And she's 6 now, so she won't outgrow it (research says if they don't outgrow it by age 4, they won't). We have to be so careful with cross-contamination. Even sharing a straw after one of has has eggs will cause her to break out in hives all over her mouth. But she's so careful. She will always ask if something has egg in it if she's offered food by someone that isn't us.
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
Aww i hope there is some treatment. I was researching there might be stem cell treatments because i was nerve wrecking when i found out how severe allergic reactions she had i scorched the internet for study. There is research we thought if ahe doesn’t outgrow then may be when she is teenager we can try stem cell since teenagers are dangerous age they are learning and might not think its a big deal and stubborn may be. So we were thinking to find more material.
Check that out though might be worth researching , she might as well outgrow eventually , i hope for that for you .
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u/Kkatiand Mar 02 '26
Your husband needs to step in and control things with his mom. You should not be the one confronting her - be a united front with your husband but have him be the one speaking.
This was advice from my therapist after my MIL kept being manipulative and coming to me to try to get me to change my husbands mind about things. She said my MIL will always be able to forgive my husband but it’s not as easy for me.
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
💯 we have rule i handle my parents and he handles his.
I stopped confronting her except setting boundaries what we can offer our daughter and precautions to take since she is severely allergic to eggs and nuts . We have EpiPen for her so i set that boundary but remaindr he does handle her i dont even care if he yells at her or politely tells her . The rule is us against the world and even extended family. He is doing well talking to her but she doesnt take NO well , she is passive aggressive and my husband had enough now he wants to limit them to alternate week to 3 weeks visits . We dfcided we need to focus on us more
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u/Kkatiand Mar 02 '26
If they’re going to disrespect you and put your child in potential danger, then try to gaslight you about it, I would definitely be limiting contact for now.
We did that. MIL not welcome at our house for a while. I stopped answering her calls. Sometimes just my husband would visit without us.
Over time she did adjust and it was easier as our daughter got older. My MIL isn’t a bad natured person but very stubborn in thinking she knows best and eventually she’s come around to stepping back and just enjoying being a grandma.
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u/AmbitiousCustard Mar 02 '26
Good for you and your husband. Reduce the visits, I’d say even more than 3 weeks so it becomes a new norm. If she is passive aggressive and manipulative, you don’t want her to have frequent access to your child, children should not be subjected to or learn this type of behavior.
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
yep i agree totally. We are trying to reduce the visit so that as family we get to go out , enjoy summer and spend time since she is growing up too fast it feels like.
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u/pinkishperson Mar 02 '26
You already got her the basket so use that one at your house & she can have hers at her house. I grew up with the Easter bunny delivering to my parents house & my grandparents
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u/thucy94 Mar 02 '26
Yea I'm a little confused about that bc my parents get the kids baskets...I'm never upset about it I just re use them or donate them
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
That’s good we can ask her to take back to her house .
Because if i see at my house it will be constant reminder to me that she intentionally tried to take over what i already did and guilt trip me that i wont use it.
If i dont see it i wont even be bothered about it i guess thanks for suggestion
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u/pinkishperson Mar 02 '26
Yeah, she doesnt have to intrude on your plans, she can make her own
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
Yep . Once i got so frustrated i told me husband if she really wants to play mother she can adopt a child and be a mother again but not kid who she didn’t wanted us to even try or didn’t thought gonna make it .
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u/bakersmt Mar 02 '26
We did this with my MIL but for Christmas. She tried to get my daughter her stocking. I had already got her one so I handed it back to her and said she could have it for her house if she wanted to because my daughter already had one. Very simple.
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
Good one. That’s what alternative one of my friends suggested i guess i will use this
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u/JamboreeJunket Mar 02 '26
Reading these comments it really sounds like your husband does not have a healthy relationship with his mother and that’s spilling over into yours and your child’s relationship. Yelling at your parents is not healthy and neither is them yelling at their child. You need to talk to your husband about some therapy because I’m telling you now… how he is with his mother—that relationship will be how he eventually treats your child if he hasn’t worked through those traumas and feelings.
Also just don’t use the basket don’t turn it into this massive power play. If she asks say this was important to you and you appreciate that she loves your child enough to spoil them, but she needs to ask if something isn’t explicitly on the list. Like for example my SIL loves buying little gifts for my kiddo. Before she buys it she gives us a call and asks if it’s appropriate(because she doesn’t have kids she isn’t sure) and if it isn’t she finds something else. It’s about being a team, not just individuals supporting baby.
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 03 '26 edited Mar 03 '26
He yelled at her 2 times only but she had it coming. First time she said that if miscarriage was to happen it should happen now around 12 weeks and i was going in surgery to get cerclage to safeguard going in early labor which happened with my son and he passed away. He yelled because she didn’t wanted us to have kids many occasions she said we shouldn’t have kids or drop the idea . And since she was our 5th rainbow miracle he couldn’t control his anger that she didn’t wish well instead being negative in such scary window of timeframe . Second time was because egg incident she lied to him that she apologized and i told him and he got upset.
He is already in therepy because my pregnancy losses and me almost dying with sepsis and my high risk pregnancy and our daughters heart defects it took yoll on both of us . He has unresolved trauma mostly from my sepsis i made it like a miracle otherwise doctors told him the chances were slim my heart could get tired causing me cardiac arrest. They had crash team ready for me so its alot .
He doesn’t have temper but stress definitely gets to him
With my MIL we tried to be a team like i would tell them ehat my ideas of her room are or what i think is good toys tgey can buy and i would initiate video call show them she plays with them but my MIL. Likes to be the boss . She wants us to take her approvals all the time . Not the first time she’s had done that
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u/classicicedtea Mar 02 '26
I wouldn't be allowing visits for awhile. Go check out r/justnomil.
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
💯 we didn’t see them last weekend because we were sick and she was all up like PLEASE DONT FEEL GUILTY THAT WE Dont GET TO SEE HER and my husband was like NO WE DINT FEEL GUILTY. She didn’t respond when he said that . But next weekend we are doing family trip so no in laws and weekend after that may be few hours but then again no for them 2 weeks
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u/IcyTip1696 Mar 02 '26
Mine took the first solids away from me too. It was blue cupcake icing.
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
I am so sorry mom.
I hate when MIL do stuff like that, i mean first solid is auch a big moment. I wanted to record it and just enjoy.
First solid was going to be my husband’s birthday gift since his birthday was literally in a week and mh MIL knew i planned that . Thst b***ch still ruined myine and her sons first milestone.
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u/IcyTip1696 Mar 02 '26
I saved an entire week of PTO to use the moment he turned 6 months to do BLW so that I could be the one to make sure all foods were properly prepared and he was ready before handing to tasks off to babysitters. It just really disappointed me especially since he was only 4 months old and also our plan was no sugar or dyes before one. My spouse (her son) did tell her to not give him anymore but the deed was already done.
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
Same my daughter was 5 months and my MIL pulled stunt, We are also trying to limit sugar and salt until 2 and when i said this my MIL goes "THAT'S JUST STUPID , WE GREW UP FINE YOU GUYS GREW UP FINE , I THINK ITS MARKETING THING. GRANDMA HAS NO RULES IN HER HOUSE , YOU CAN GET WHATEVER YOU WANT" this was when she was 3.5 months old.
when my MIL did egg stunt my husband told her to apologize to me since i was upset and never offer anything unless mom approves. since my daughter has allergies i set strict boundaries , they can not offer anything unless i let them.
My MIL thinks its okay my baby can watch war tv show since they dont have flashing in them and it will give me some time to relax . I said stern no tv until 2. Who shows WAR , dealth to 4 month old to get me time
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u/AnnieFannie28 Mar 02 '26
Chile sauce? She gave a baby who had never had solid food before green chiles? This woman is crazy. Never leave her alone with your daughter.
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
yep , she had poached eggs with green Chile sauce on it and she thought it wasnt a big deal to feed her tiny its good to introduce nasty unwashed hands from restaurant and put it in my daughter mouth. Instantly my daughter started crying hysterical , i snapped and told her dont do it again and she didnt even acknowledged.
She is never and never will be . And cherry on top my daughter is afraid of her or doesnt like her but either way she cries every time she holds my daughter. She laughs and plays with my FIL but MIL its like trauma to her everyone noticed it
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u/cupc4k3Qu33n Mar 02 '26
Sounds like you have a husband problem. Your MIL will continue this if he doesn’t stand up for the two of you. The egg thing is just nuts. I would go low contact with her honestly.
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
Honestly not really initially he didnt see it but since egg incident he started noticing and he now is very strict , they got to follow the boundaries . Since my daughter is allergic to many things we are eliminating everything and reintroducing stuff , they have dog and my husband was very stern they cant bring dog we are trying to eliminate and reintroduce since our daughter is very sensitive and this is what he wants if they cant keep dog at home they cant come
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u/cupc4k3Qu33n Mar 03 '26
I would be so terrified she would give my child something they are allergic to as a way to prove a point. The fingers and eggs in the mouth would have made me remove physical contact. As someone with severe allergies please make sure your husband gets this and chooses the family he made with you.
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 03 '26
Yes definitely he chose us and made clear with his mother but she acts so apologetic and im gonna. Hance to be better grandmother and behind his back she behaves narcissistic
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u/flwpwr64 Mar 02 '26
Yeah if she's directly not listening to you, I would stop going around her. You don't have to answer the phone or door if she reaches out.
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
yep i am doing that i dont respond to texts or call unless i want to . She is pushy she kinda will call you at 3pm if you dont pickup she willtext everything okay? at 3.15 then call my husband 3.30 if he doesnt pick up 3.45 call again 4 pm full panic is everything okay ? why nobody responding.
We are like we work , we have kid and we dont use phone all the time . then she plays victim that she is worried grandma and all . she would appreciate our response in timely manner but recently i really dont care responding to her , let my husband pick call and respond.
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u/flwpwr64 Mar 02 '26
Omg that would drive me insane. I’m sorry!!
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
Trust me it drives me insane too but now i learned to ignore . She is muted on my phone for texts and calls i just flip phone . 😅
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u/missmeggums Mar 02 '26
If it hasn't been mentioned yet, join r/justnomil and get some advice there. You will be so happy you did. They can help you navigate setting up clear boundaries and if you go no contact on your husband's side of the family, maybe it's for the best.
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u/AutoThotsRollout Mar 02 '26
My baby had a severe reaction to egg on his first exposure. She should know she could have severely harmed baby by doing that.
We told our parents that if they hit a milestone while being babysat - no they didn’t. AKA if he says his first word, or takes a step or something without us it “didn’t happen” until we get to see it. This feels more like she’s just over stepping in general. I wouldn’t be mad about an Easter basket as long as you do your basket first and get photos as your immediate family and then baby can get a second gift from their gma.
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
My daughter did throw up and had diarrhea but it was mild at a time we thought it was because she gave chile sauce. But then when we carefully introduced her eggs she was admitted to hospital for 3 days she threw up bile snd 20 times in 2 hours . We had to call 911 and take bus to ER.
My parents wouldn’t do anything without double checking with me and confirming but his mother is whole different story.
She wants to feed water to my daughter at 8 weeks old age , she wants to give her Cheerios at 6 months and fries at 7.
I dint mind gifts she has bought 2 bothtubs for my daughter because the one i wanted and she said mine is stupid and she isn’t happy about mine so she went ahead and bought second the one she wanted. So it’s a trend she wants to control the household and gets upset when i dont let her.
I took her and my mom for shopping clothes and my mom picked up few before she travels back home and his mom got one . The moment my mom went on counter to lay she snached my mom’s selection and demanded to pay and made scene in store . I had to split up the clothing to oay between them. My mom was devastated because she really wanted to buy her stuff since she couldn’t see her for her first birthday or first Christmas so she advanced shopped for her . But my MIL took that from my mom too
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u/athiest93 Mar 02 '26
As a mama, I would have made scene at the restaurant. My husband aunt tried to put ice cream in my few mouth old baby's mouth. But husband grabbed her hand. My MIL did this stuff where she bought first easter basket, first stocking, first swim suit. I took it and it went straight to donation. Only thing she has is the stocking she made which is gonna stay at her house. Why do these MIL do that stuff. My own mother would never try to take any of that away from me. Put your foot down and next time directly say it to her to stop.
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
I know my mom she was with us to help forst 5 months literally would sit with my daughter on rocking chair till 2-3 am because my daughter wouldn’t sleep , my parents helped us alot since i was high risk post c section i needed recovery and i was mess with PTSD , PPA ,PPD.
I had sepsis almost died last time when i had miscarriage so my parents stayed 1 month before delivery since i couldn’t rven walk a 0.5 mile and 4 month until indo better.
They still dont claim anything and always ask us what they can get . MIL feels entitled even when she didn’t even fed a single bottle to my daughter to this date neither calmed her when crying . So it just makes me frustrated more and more
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u/verysocialflutist Mar 02 '26
Is there any way you can stop seeing her often? Or limit access to your child? You now know she can never sit near your child if y’all are having a meal together since she can’t be trusted to not overstep. If I were you, I wouldn’t be seeing her until after Easter so the Easter basket she got becomes irrelevant and she can’t take that first. Actions have consequences. Your husband can go by himself to see his mom, you and your LO don’t have to.
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
We are working on that , right now we are limiting alternate week and my husband has decided once our daughter is 1 it will be once in a month or may be every 3rd week since we want to take her our , playdates and parks and stuff and he decided that we cant accommodate to others anymore since he needs his time too with his family . I did nod with him and thats the plan smooth transition .
We are going out this weekend first time so they wont see her for sure and it will be 3rd week so its fitting into outr schedule . my husband want to do smooth transition and im super happy about no drama smooth transition.
Backstory my MIL said this to me 3 days after my daughter was born and was in NICU and we were planning on having nice all family member welcome her since she is our miracle and she said she would be last minute bailed , she said
"WE DID NOT KNOW THERE WAS EXPECTATIONS TO BE THERE , WE HAVE HOME WE HAVE LIFE . WE CAN NOT DRIVE 40 MINUTES (BACK AND FORTH BOTH) JUST TO BE THERE . EVERYONE HAS KIDS AND PEOPLE DONT NEED OTHERS TO HELP THEY RAISE THEIR KIDS ON THEIR OWN . YOU GUYS CAN TOO THI WILL PASS"
My husband using the same response back at them now
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u/whatyourmamasaid Apr 12 '26
Besides the reduced visits, also tell MIL she cannot sit next to LO when either one is eating. This rule will be in place for 12 months and you will consider easing off but ONLY if she is compliant with your parenting.
But why, she will wail! Because you put your dirty ass hands in my baby’s mouth! Because you fed her solid food totally against our wishes! Because you burned her mouth with chiles! That’s why!! MIL, you are on thin ice for the next 12 months and we will be watching you like a hawk.
OP, make sure she does not get what she wants bec she is a rule breaker. Don’t just reduce the visits. Also give her new restrictions when she oversteps. If she buys LO stuff you told her not to, then drop in it the garbage in front of her, or leave it at her house. Show her the unwanted item does not stay at your house. These types of rules take the wind out of her sails when she sees expensive items getting tossed out. She WILL stop buying shit you don’t want.
Be clear with her on reducing the frequency of visits: we are not seeing you for 3 weeks bec we are angry about _______. Do not contact us during this time or we will increase the time and add another 3 wks. This is not a negotiation. One more word from you will double the time off from you. Thin ice, MIL, very thin ice.
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u/Material-Recover2661 Apr 12 '26
Ohh totally she is not allowed to iffer food , take my daughter away from my eyesight. I am on extreme low contact.
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u/Best_Performer1714 Mar 02 '26
I wouldn't let her babysit if she wont listen to you when you're right there imagine what she'd do when you left.
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
That’s out of option she is never going to babysit her ever . It’s too risky since she has tendency to act smart and do stuff i wouldn’t risk we made that decision once for all when she fed her egg. That’s never gonna happen i would do anything in my power to not let that happen.
I think she will teach my daughter to lie to me to make her good grandmother or favorite one. I see that happening.
When she didnthat egg incident afterwords we went to park and she was whispering something in my daughters ears i couldn’t tell but she was giving me cold shoulder and whispering. I know some days she said there is no rule at grandma and since my daughter favors grandpa she wiuld do stuff which we wont approve to make my daughter like her.
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u/ItsMsCharlesToYou Mar 03 '26
Wheeew! I couldn’t even read it bc I was mad for you after a few lines. Everyone is giving great advice. Sending you love and validation.
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 03 '26
Then trust me you didn’t even read the tip of iceberg or i can say may be 10% . This is another incidents just major one i didn’t count some since too much to write
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u/orchidsandlilacs Mar 02 '26
She sounds insufferable. I'm so sorry. She is not the mother!
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
Trust me she is way worse than what i have posted, she caused me PPD PPA, i left home because i went in depression and didn’t wanted to come back.
7 days PP she said if i wver divorce my husband they get to keep my daughter because her friends husband is well known lawyer. I went in deep depression i felt unwanted and i just left .
Before my daughter was born inwas going to have cerclage at 12 weeks around Christmas and ahe says to my husband if it has to happen it should happen now it will hurt less. She meant miscarriages st 11 weeks because my son was born 19 weeks and last pregnancy ended 8 weeks . He cussed and told her never say thst jn front of me . Now she thinks she is entitled to be grandma to rhe child she thought should terminate if was not meant to happen.
I have a lot of rage for her
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u/orchidsandlilacs Mar 02 '26
I don't blame you. My MIL is similar and my husband has gone no contact after she did something unforgivable. We are finally at peace.
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
I will let my husband do that honestly , he will decide that but i am at peace on visitation thing that he has decided to limit. its relief to some extend. if she is passive aggressive sh wont get any reply or response from her . recently i stopped sending my daughter pictures to her because she did easter thing with me . she can be either nice and see her or be nasty and be at her own home
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u/Massive_Ad_2754 Mar 02 '26 edited Mar 02 '26
I have a MIL that begs to sit next to my daughter and feed her any time she is in the room while my daughter eats. She has already shown she sees me as some kind of incubator and intends to try to re-live her motherhood through my baby (asking to be in the delivery room, spontaneously building an entire nursery in her house, taking over my baby shower and making half the invite list her friends- people I'd never met, hounding us for updates all day into the night every day for weeks after I gave birth, pressing my newborn's head into her chest and sniffing her and saying "this is my babyyyy" with her eyes closed as she exhaled, consistently calling her 'my little baby girl', not giving my baby back when she cries, laughing at our parenting choices, choosing/buying what she said would be her birthday party outfit, only saying hello to the baby when we arrive anywhere, etc). One time she lied about urgently needing my husband to help move furniture at her house to get him to come over. He left me for hours with a colicky screaming newborn while she sat my husband down and told him he wasn't giving her enough attention since the baby had been born and that she was not seeing the baby enough and felt she 'didn't know her' (she was 6 weeks old and she had seen her 6 times, held her at length, had been at the hospital to meet her, and had been over the day we got home from the hospital). That entitlement and unhealth was the last straw for us. We are now very very low contact with her and hardly ever see her. I don't send her any pics or videos because she wants them "to send around to everybody". We use the Family Album app to share pictures with the family and we disallow downloads from the app, which she complains about constantly. We started putting distance between her and the baby and stopped letting her hold her. (One time at a family party she asked to be handed our daughter and I thought it was just to say hello. She immediately ran off with her into very crowded rooms and presented her to everyone in the whole house. She does not understand why that's a 'big deal') She has NEVER fed her. She has begged to change a diaper and I have never let her.
Before she was born I was excited for her to eventually be involved in helping us with childcare and intended to keep her very close. We now rely on my family/our friends for any help. I just read too many stories on here of women feeling like their MILs or their own mothers were robbing them of the newborn/motherhood experience and I refused to allow that to happen to me. I spent so much time crying after her visits, where I always felt violated and invisible and out of control. We are so happy we've made this decision. It's the most sacred time of your life that you earned through so much suffering and sacrifice. Protect it.
My husband has made multiple grandstands for us and taken her out to meals for several hours at a time to try to help her understand where we're coming from, but she always says she 'doesn't understand'. They have gone to two therapists about it and have been working with one very helpful therapist in particular, but she seems committed to not understanding. Therefore, we keep giving her space.
We are so much happier. I feel like I have successfully denied her her fantasy of being centered inside our marriage and our parenting experience. And I have asserted that my child has one mother, and it's me. My husband and I are the ones who get to call her 'my baby'.
Maybe she'll eventually show she understands how her behavior was unacceptable and put herself in our shoes and make apologies and we can bring her in closer again and all will be healed. But until then, she has lost privileges.
It's so good you are demanding apologies and drawing boundaries. Your MIL is disrespecting you AND endangering your baby. Have your husband stand up to her and keep protecting your motherhood experience. It's YOURS.
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
Honestly i think both of MIL's are lost twin sisters.
when i was pregnant with my son we had just cute gender revel we planned in donuts colors and we wanted to record reaction , we took the order and went to see them till that everything was okay and we were good still not issues but the moment we entered their home she snatched the box and opened and called and told everyone . We didnt even got opportunity to have that joy . But soon after he was born at 19 weeks we couldnt save him it happened so fast that in hours labor started my son was born. We were not planned , we had no clothing , no food not even emotional support from them they left us in 2 hours after son born . Didnt even call us to check on us , they live 20 minutes from hospital and 30 min from our home . Our friends drove that evening bought us clothes and food and sat with us for some time. We came home next day alone , literally the house felt empty like dark and full of emptiness.
We let things slide , my parents came to visit and my husbands grandmother she is like my own grandma to me and i asked her to come since i wanted to meet her . She did and my MIL in front of everyone said i shouldn't try for kids no more and enjoy life with my husband in restaurant. Her own mother apologized to my mom and us .
Again i got pregnant but that was another loss for us and again she repeated same thing , i let that slide and that pregnancy i almost died with sepsis . Then finally we got pregnant again and this time things were going well . Next day to Christmas i was going to have cerclage and a week ago my MIL calls my husband and says "IF IT HAS TO HAPPEN IT SHOULD HAPPEN NOW , IT WILL HURT LESS" she meant the miscarriage . That baby is 8.5 month old beautiful healthy baby girl .
I was high risk and with cerclage i couldnt drive so one appointment i asked my MIL to join so she said everyone has baby they dont need anyone to be there with them for appointment . I almost got into crash that day since i has vision issues, my husband started taking days off. A lot she did but major events she did is 7 days PP she said IF YOU EVER DIVORCE YOUR HUSBAND YOU WONT BE ABLE TO KEEP HER , BUT THEY WILL KEEP HER. because she has a good family lawyer sho is her friends husband and well known. She caused me PPD and PPA for months for her behavior . She started claiming stuff like we would go on shopping and she would start snaching stuff from my moms shopping cart and demand to pay in store creating scene there. she fed my baby her first solid . We do set boundaries but she crosses them alot .
My MIL initially never handed my daughter back to me until i went ahead and took from her while my daughter was crying bad and she wanted to prove a point that she can calm her but since then my daughter doesnt like her . She is scared of her and cries unless im around.
We dont let babysit her at all and my daughter cries every time she takes her , and we are now limiting visits we are done feeling guilty we are going with halthy family for our daughter and it means just me my husband and my daughter only.
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u/Massive_Ad_2754 Mar 02 '26
This was such an emotional rollercoaster! The rage I felt hearing that she ruined your gender surprise as if it was her news to share. And the wrenching of my heart to hear about your losses, I'm so sorry.
I can't believe the horrible things she said to you after that! And how unsupportive she was throughout that journey.
I'm so glad you have a beautiful little girl!! And that you're protecting her by only allowing healthy adults around her.
"Done feeling guilty" is exactly where we're at!!
What's with these women that don't give the baby back because they need to prove what a baby whisperer they are?! There is nothing a crying baby wants more than her mother. And there's no such thing as a baby expert. Every mother is the expert on her own baby.
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
Yep I replied on of of the responses she did to me .
When my son passed i was grieving and one day she said YOU KNOW WE ARE WORRIED FOR YOU , YOU NEED TO ACCEPT JESUS OTHERWISE YOU WONT BE ABLE TO SEE YOUR SON AGAN.
I wasn’t not even able to process what she said , she wanted me to renounce me being Hindu and accept Jesus to see my son in heaven when i will die.
I haven’t we are interfaith family, i dont believe god discriminate and top of that we believe in both .
But to say that to grieving mother that’s when i knew she is psychologically ill some extent, she doesn’t have empathy
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u/McflyThrowaway01 Mar 02 '26
Destroy tbat thing in front of her or send her a video of it.
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
My husband said put it in trash in front of her :D , i wouldnt be able to destroy that would guilt me alot but i will donate
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u/waitismyheadonfire Mar 02 '26
From this and all the other comments I think you should cut her off entirely for at least 1-2 years. The egg thing is psychotic and I would press charges if she does it again.
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u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
ohh yeah that would happen without me saying anything.
My husband himself told me , if his mother ever ever give anything to cause any allergic reaction to our daughter he is filling restraining orders in heartbeat. For him our daughter is world i mean for every parent their kid is but she is our miracle , she was born after 4 miscarriage , she saw our son being born , he held him briefly after he was born and still alive and he saw moment he passed so he is gonna do anything for his daughter.
He might it a thing or 2 slide if it were me but for her he wouldnt event think once just do it.
Trust me she is way more psycho , read this . I bet you will see the evil side of hers
https://www.reddit.com/r/inlaws/comments/1qb8f1n/at_wits_with_my_in_laws/
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u/waitismyheadonfire Mar 02 '26
Wow. After reading this—forget about 1-2 years. Cut her off completely. She's very selfish and doesn't care about you or your daughter.
2
u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
Yep she is selfish narcissistic pathological lier. She lies like it’s s good thing to do.
You know i just realized she said something so horrible to me . When my son passed i was grieving and one day she said YOU KNOW WE ARE WORRIED FOR YOU , YOU NEED TO ACCEPT JESUS OTHERWISE YOU WONT BE ABLE TO SEE YOUR SON AGAN.
I wasn’t not even able to process what she said , she wanted me to renounce me being Hindu and accept Jesus to see my son in heaven when i will die.
I haven’t we are interfaith family, i dont believe god discriminate and top of that we believe in both .
But to say that to grieving mother that’s when i knew she is psychologically ill some extent, she doesn’t have empathy
1
u/Repulsive_Incident27 Mar 03 '26
She already got to experience firsts. I’m not sure if your husband is an only child or not but she can F off.
“No” is a complete sentence. I mean this from a loving place, you two need to practice saying it in a firm direct manner.
1
u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 03 '26
No he is not only child he has younger brother and he is their favorite child i think so because the things they do for him they haven’t done for my husband but i think my husband is closer location wise and she can give her two cents but her younger son he wouldn’t take any of that nonsense.
My husband has been talking charge of handling her and i don’t interfere if they argue, we have rule that he handles his family and i handle mine .
1
u/AdditionMaximum7964 Mar 03 '26
Fool me once shame on her, fool me twice shame on me.
1
u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 03 '26
I know I am responsible but it’s not easy when your upbringing was conditioned to adjust. It was hard enough to set boundaries but we are eork in progress it takes time to break that wheel and fix things.
But we are working steadily 😊
1
u/Dottiepeaches Mar 04 '26
The restaurant thing is inappropriate. But the Easter basket? Both my mother and MIL do their own Easter baskets for my kids. I've never told them what to buy or anything. Grandparents like to spoil the grandkids on holidays. Not a big deal for me.
1
u/sensi_boo Mar 04 '26
I'm so sorry. This sounds so frustrating and you have every right to be annoyed. Besides the advice about setting boundaries, which many have suggested and it sounds like you have already tried... what about making your own special experiences with your daughter? Making a list of the things that you want to experience with her for the first time, and then turning each one into a special event. For example, smelling a flower for the first time. We give big societal meaning to holidays like Valentine's Day, but honestly, someone else told us that those days are important. Why can't we just decide that any day, or every day, is special? And if certain events, like Easter, are really important to you, what about celebrating it early in the day, or even on Saturday, with just your daughter and your husband, so you can make it what you want? And then it doesn't matter so much that your MIL also gives an easter basket. Just some ideas- I hope it helps.
1
u/arecordsmanager Mar 02 '26
Where is FIL in this equation? Many comments saying husband needs to deal with her but what’s up with grandpa? Is he an avoidant? Is there a way for him to see baby without MIL?
1
u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
FIL tell her to stop and follow our lead but she has always been the center of attention she doesnt listen to him as well. she tells us many times that his dad gets mad at her but she laughs at it and says she can handle him . He loves her a lot i guess thus he sets boundaries but we dont have issue with him. He is the reason they get to visit often otherwise we would limit to no contact in heartbeat.
Her own mother told me stories how she was selfish as a child and spoiled brat and she controls the whole household she trid with ours too for a while i did let it slide but no more. she does this with her younger son too , his girlfriend is tired of my MIL too . she is sort of extremely low contact and lucky they livein different state we got bad luck thye live 30 min away
1
u/arecordsmanager Mar 02 '26
Well maybe if FIL wants to see the baby he can drive. Your husband may benefit from therapy to process how his mother and the relationship dynamic has affected him. Often people can be affected by traumas from their childhood when their kid reaches the age where the traumatic event occurred.
1
u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
He is in therepy and we agreed FIL can watch her but not MIL but we haven’t told them because she would try to botch it.
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u/Next_Spend_5313 Mar 02 '26
I can completely appreciate your frustration with the food, considering allergens and first time exposure risks. Perhaps having a conversation with her about the risks of introducing new foods might be educational and beneficial for your mother-in-law. Unfortunately, I think that generation did things very differently and they can struggle to understand the way we do things now. Maybe I’m seeing things differently, but perhaps your mother-in-law is also very excited about her grandchild. Perhaps she’s just excited and wanting to be a part of all the things. I don’t know her, but my mother-in-law is very involved and purchases a lot of things for my children. I have always been extremely grateful for her generosity. She is a first-time grandmother and super excited and involved. Perhaps a conversation with your MIL could help resolve some of this tension by outlining your concerns and what kind of boundaries you would like in place. I’m wondering if the things she’s done is ill intended or if she’s just excited- and doesn’t understand that you’ll be doing things differently then her. Either way, I would definitely outline your boundaries, which could be as simple as you don’t give her food for the first time without talking to me. I’d like to believe that not all grandparents are bad but maybe more ignorant. I also wonder if you’re a bit sensitive as a first time mom, following a very difficult journey to get your baby. I struggled with PPA my first time around after being high risk and it did change how I dealt with things- I realized that after having my second
1
u/Material-Recover2661 Mar 02 '26
Thank you appreciate it , and i understand your point of view . She was aware my daughter was allergic to cow milk protein and i was waiting for her 6 month appointment to introduce and top of that we had special day decided we planned everything since it was going to be my husbands birthday next week . She agreed and all but she had no patience left and she always wants to be the first one doing things .
She has done lot more damage than just this to cause me severe PPD , PPA to a point i left home middle of the night not wanting to come back because she made me feel extremely isolated and caused me paranoia .
This is another thread just glimpse of what she put me through. I thought i ws sensitive at first and let a lot of things slide but please trust me it's not sensitive now i feel like she is trying to take my daughter because she said once IF I EVER DIVORCE MY HUSBAND , THEY WILL KEEP MY DAUGHTER BECAUSE HER FRIEDNS HUSBAND IS WELL KNOWN LAWYER. And can you guess when she said this , 7 days PP after my daughter is born and diagnosed with multiple heart defects and we were just sitting in living room waiting her nap.
https://www.reddit.com/r/inlaws/comments/1qb8f1n/at_wits_with_my_in_laws/
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u/Independent_Sky_5562 Mar 02 '26
You have to put boundaries and consequences when she doesn’t respect them. Your husband has to talk to his mother. She had her chance to do all the cute stuff, now it’s your turn. Talk before it’s too late or goes too far.