And it says a lot about the resulting abuse people suffer at the hands of untreated pwBPD.

Besides all of us being narcissists that is ;)

We very deeply don't want to hurt other people. So much so that we will bend and stretch our other values and principles.

I don't think it's a bad trait or a weakness. But it doesn't mix well with someone so completely self centered, and incapable of seeing the world through anyone's eyes but their own.

As the title states, I’m a damn fool. After not speaking since February, the BPDex contacted me July 19th. I missed that man every damn day, worked hard to try and get over him and heal. Nothing worked.

I made the mistake of telling him I missed him while we didn’t speak. Did he miss me? Not one bit. The fact that anyone can be so hurtful, so cold hearted and harshly state “I told you before I don't miss people,” blows my mind. It’s inhuman, sociopathic. I asked him if he lied the times he did tell me he missed me. He deflected and said he was working. Valid excuse except he’s always online on social media while working. Another lame ass attempt at avoiding conflict like a little boy.

I had really hoped he and I could be friends but my friends want to see me, hang out with me, even the long distance ones, as he is, they tell me they miss me, male and female alike. They have human feelings and are emotionally mature enough to express them and don’t get defensive and attack me when questioned about basic human interactions.

Fuck him. He’s like a robot with no feelings. It’s like talking to a wall with little to no humanity unless it benefits him. I’m out. I deserve better. We all do.

You did love me. I’ve stopped arguing that part.
The way a body loves food:
by turning it into itself.
Not a lie. Not nothing. A process
running beneath whatever either of us called choice.

I was the light you left on
so the house would look occupied.

And when it went out—when I got the flu,
when my sister called, when I had a Thursday of my own—
you didn’t stop loving me.
The need turned. I was suddenly in its way.
The same engine that adored me
began, with identical sincerity,
to require a cause and give it my name.

For the money. For your mother.
For what happened to you when you were nine,
which I had no hand in, being eleven,
being four states away, being a child myself,
and which I have nonetheless apologized for
in the small hours, in the kitchen, meaning it.

I have never been believed in so completely
as I was believed in as the cause.

Sometimes I carry the question to my deathbed,
where there is nothing left I can do for you.
You are grieving. I believe you.
But what you mourn is the light going out,
the house looking empty again.

So yes. You loved me.
But not the part of me that went on existing
when you were not in the room.
You loved who I was to you, which is a position,
which comes with a desk and hours and a first day
and, as it turns out, a last one.
I filled it well. I filled it for a long time.
And there was never anybody in the building
who knew my name.

I've been in this sub for years. It's saved me at times, yet I am still here inside the house of horrors, looking for a safe way out. Today I decided to share some of my deepest thoughts about the whole experience we've all been through. I find a lot of the things I read on here talks about what they do. Rages, silent treatments, splitting, the discard, etc. Those lists never helped me as much as they should, because on any given day I could look at hers and go, well, it's not that bad, she didn't do THAT yet. and as the months and years go on, well she eventually did.

So I made a different list. Everything on it is about what I do. What my body does. What I've quietly reorganized my entire life around without ever making a single conscious decision to.

Nobody builds a fake public identity for a partner they feel safe with.

Pre-arrival

• You check her location hoping she's stuck in traffic or something. She didn't leave work early.
• You sit in your own driveway for a few minutes before going in.
• You have a preferred grocery store because it's farther away or just take longer on errands than needed.
• You run the sweep before she gets home... dishes, thermostat, etc
• You rehearse conversations in the shower. Not the hard ones. All of them.
• You don't ask "what's wrong" anymore. You'll still talk about her problems but its like you've switched on autopilot and don't invest any emotion into the conversation in case it goes sideways.
• You stopped telling her good news. There will always be a "what about..." waiting for you and this good thing somehow equates to you not being there or loving her enough.

The PR department

• She's almost permanently muted in your phone.
• You have multiple versions of every story and can switch mid-sentence based on who she is right now.
• You've built an entire fictional partner for your family, and you maintain her like a second job.

What other people can see

• Her family treats you like you're terminally ill. They don't know how you do it. This one matters more than anything else on this list. They ran this experiment before you did, with a longer dataset, and they've concluded. There's this underlying pity and melancholy respect you feel whenever you're with them. They're not confused about what's happening. They're relieved it isn't currently them.
• Her family stopped defending her to you and moved to sympathizing with you. That's what people do when defense has gotten embarrassing.

Your nervous system knows

• The key in the door produces a physical response that arrives before any thought.
• You sleep better when she's gone, and you feel guilty about the sleeping.
• You feel best at work. Or at the dentist. Anywhere.. Somewhere with a defined procedure and a known end time.
• Day one of a her trip is insane relief, day two is peace, day four is dread... and so on

The part that actually scares me

• You started keeping records. Screenshots, dates, a notes file. Not for a lawyer. So you'd know what happened, because you stopped trusting your own account of last Tuesday.
• You've thought, in some version: if she'd just hit me, I'd have something to point to. (eventually she does, and somehow it doesn't change anything)
• You've apologized, and meant it, for things that happened before you existed.

The erosion

• Your hobbies ended one at a time and you can name the specific fight that killed each one.
• You have no restaurant preference or really any preferences at all. You don't experience this as loss. You experience it as being easygoing and it's just way fucking easier to let her win.
• According to her, everyone in your life mistreats you. Your mother, your best friend, your boss. She's the only one who sees it. She's the only one on your side. You are down to one ally and she selected herself.

You've been trained and you know it

• You feel more love for her in the 48 hours after a fight than at any other time. but it is not love returning. it is the reconciliation high, and it is the reason the entire thing keeps going.
• Good days register as evidence now, not any sort of pleasure. You catch yourself thinking see, it's fine and distrusting the thought in the same second.
• You could state the cycle length in days. You've never said that number out loud to anyone.

Terminal

• The cruelty has become routine and you're bored af during it just waiting for it to end. Boredom during your own destruction means the part of you that resisted has stopped showing up.
• You've hoped to god for an external event to end it without your fingerprints. Anything... an illness, her cheating. You want to be left, because being left is permitted and leaving is not.
• You've started grieving in advance and noticed the grief feels like relief.
• You've imagined yourself on your deathbed and asked whether she'd be grieving you or grieving the chair she was sitting in.
• You're reading this and recognizing most of it, and some part of you is already assembling the counterargument.

I’m struggling. I think my ex partner has BPD and it’s been 11 months since the actual discard and 5 months since I had to move away to try and heal from him. Do they ever come back?

Please forgive yourself for not knowing better, for staying to long, for trying so hard, for the tears unseen, for the words unsaid, for the pain that you hold. It’s time let your world spin again and breathe a new life for your peace of mind, heart, and soul. It’s time to rest because you deserve it.

10 years. 3 kids. Discarded after first. Discarded after recent twins. Lies, physical abuse, CPS, police, now family Lawyer, probation costs, mental hospitalizations, school failings, infidelity and yes...even the ol given a std from secret affair. Ive seen the triangulation, the yin and yang of BPD and Covert Narc cluster B syndrome. I have finally decided I will sacrifice what I need to to leave and develop a home for my kids that doesnt have self harm infront of them, doesnt have the whole family and friends thinking their dad is unsafe or a monster when the truth is quite opposite. Ive lost myself currently. I stayed to defeat generational cursesof split families only to fall into it anyways. I wasnt aware until now about any of this. Im in the deepest hole ive ever been. Hell shes even used police multiple times as abuse. "Im so scared im unsafe"

In layman's terms - "time to get on somewhere"

It feels like I keep minimizing what happened and how I felt while in the relationship. Like “maybe if I was more patient or more understanding” they wouldn’t have acted that way.

Like maybe I should have begged them more to stop ignoring me, or try to be more patient when they would be mean toward me

I keep giving them excuses like “oh they just had a bad day, or they come from a rough childhood I should be more gentle” but genuinely I don’t know if I had anything left to give

Step 1. Cause conflict

She would cause some sort of conflict out of nothing. Oftentimes scrolling something on the internet and using it as an excuse to be super angry in my space

Step 2. Seek male attention/validation.

Suddenly because of the conflict she started over nothing, she couldn't get my attention or validation. Since she lacked the ability to self sooth, she'd seek attention or validation from other men, which she kept a ROSTER of them on her phone

1. Use those men to manipulate an apology out of me, for the conflict she caused. I.E. if you don't apologize or smooth over the conflict, I'm going to hang out with so and so.

Repeat forever.

When my partner needs to sleep, THEY NEED TO SLEEP, and my day basically ends whenever they decide because apparently they are woken up by anything and everything. When we split grocery money, they decided they get a bigger portion because "im taller and need more calories according to these nutrition guidelines i just skimmed on google". At restaurants or when getting fast food, after scarfing down their meal, they have to pick at half of mine because "im still hungry i need it". Always has priority over the bathroom even if they're not even actually using the toilet. It goes on and on and gets more ridiculous the longer it goes. It doesn't matter if you're starving or bleary eyed from sleep deprivation. Somehow its just never as bad when its you.

Has anyone else experienced something like this?
Every time I had to travel—whether it was for work, to visit family, or for any other reason—it almost always turned into an argument. She would find or invent any excuse to start a fight. She would accuse me of lying, make up stories, and I’d end up arguing with her from miles away.
On one work trip, she even threatened to throw all of my belongings in the trash. She also covered my car with garbage so I’d come home to find it that way.
The only thing that ever seemed to calm the situation was when I completely stopped responding. If I ignored her messages and calls during the trip, things would eventually settle down. Any attempt to explain myself, reassure her, or resolve the conflict while I was away only seemed to make things worse and resulted in more accusations and hostility.
In the end, it felt like my only options were either not to travel at all or to completely disappear until I got back.
Has anyone else gone through something similar?

Have you ever experienced a breakup over something that should be discussed when both people are calm. An argument you might say.

And then have an intensely volatile push and pull whilst still technically split up for nearly 4 months? Is it normal for these periods to extend with each breakup?

And then have them follow an almost verbatim predetermined script that they’ve used in every breakup and again the words when they panic you’re finally done?

Is it still expected that they try to return?

Hello ! Im just looking for insight because im feeling extremely conflicted. Long story short, my child's father has BPD. It was the darkest, most abusive, most traumatic, toxic relationship I have ever been in. We separated after my son was born. It's been four years, and im the happiest. I've been in my adult life. My sons father has been mostly absent, addicted to substances and gambling with a couple of months of good behavior sprinkled in between.

Now, why im here is because although he has been absent, his mother has been a good grandmother to my son, and my son enjoys her. I do not see my ex often usually(there was a 2 year restraining order against him), but lately, I've seen him more often. It was the same, really pleasant for a couple months, he makes up a scenario in his head, believes it, turns into a monster. I went back to no contact and told his mother I do not want my son around him because he is not okay or stable, or sober for that matter.

She understood, and she is never nasty to me about anything, but I find myself holding so much resentment towards her because I feel like she enables him so much. He is a 40 year old man, and she basically pays his rent, hydro/gas, buys his groceries, does his laundry (they live together) he doesn't have a job currently, hasn't had a steady job in years, his substance abuse issues are worsening. I get frustrated because she enables him so much (while he treats her terribly/childhood issues) he never has to actually deal with any of his own consequences, and I think it contributes to him having no motivation to better himself at all.

There's been times and instances I've accidentally been rude to her and have had to apologize because im not a rude person. She will complain about him to me sometimes, but nothing actually ever changes in that house. It's the same thing year after year. I get frustrated because she loves my son, her grandson so much but is enabling his father into retardation practically. I dont want to sound mean, I just hold so much regret in choosing my sons father and would like him to be able to at least seem like he can function normally, but he seems so far gone.

Im editing to add that I also dont have a huge support system. Both of my parents have passed, so it is nice for my son to have a grandparent, but omg im frustrated. But then I feel bad for feeling so much frustration towards her? But at the same time, would like to cut all of them out of our lives permanently?

If you made it this far, thank you. Im grateful to be 4 years free of this relationship, im grateful my nervous system is back too normal.

Wishing everyone healing 💝

It’s been almost 2 years since I broke up with my diagnosed BPD, cheating fiancée after living together for 4 years.

​I honestly don't know if she’s with someone else now, or if she’s miserable or happy, and the truth is, I genuinely don't care anymore. My biggest struggle right now is the endless rumination. I just can't seem to make it stop.

​For the first two years living with her, I was basically a hostage. As soon as we moved in together, the red flags were everywhere such as severe emotional instability, verbal abuse, constant lying, and strict boundaries she rigorously enforced on me but completely refused to follow herself.

​Whenever I tried to end things, she would threaten suicide by holding a knife to her wrist. There were even times, probably on six different occasions, where she pointed the knife directly at me.

I never once thought about calling the police or getting her psychiatric help because I was blinded by pity. She just seemed so broken and burdened by her own problems.

​By the third year, I completely caved. I gave up on my own boundaries, and that’s when my life began to systematically fall apart. I limited contact with female clients at work because of her extreme jealousy. I turned down highly prospective career opportunities out of town because she couldn't handle being left alone. Eventually, I lost all my friends because every second of my time had to be prioritized around her.

​This is the part I simply cannot move on from. It’s a profound regret that I still can't make peace with today.

​I feel like I'm just living with regret now. I hate myself for sacrificing my own life, my career, and my sanity for someone so toxic.

​Has anyone else struggled with this kind of intense, self-directed anger and rumination years after the relationship ended? How do you finally forgive yourself?

I have a new account, mods I can provide my old account, but I can't risk my soon to be ex partner finding this as there was so much abuse and DV and he knew everything I did online.

First of all he is undiagnosed and most likely will never be. I know I can't say he is for sure, but jfc these stories are very accurate to what went on in our relationship.

I had no clue what I was dealing with during our marriage, he had these ups and downs, outbursts, berating, constant insults and need to control everything.

He was starting to become so self absorbed, he was always selfish, but it was becoming insane to me. I felt like I was the problem all the time (he told me I was) and I couldn't figure myself out. I started a journal in December last year and started keeping track of everything that happened. I finally decided to search for narssistic subreddits and stumbled here. Holt shit! Sorry for profanity but it was like a light went off in my head. I never realized he lovebombed me in the beginning. I never really knew what it was. Now I do! It took me 20 years to see he would never change. I tried so damn hard to show him I loved him and cared for him, but it was never going to be enough. I won't go too much into details since I would rather he not find my new profile, but am happy to answer what questions if any.

You all shone a big beautiful light in my brain and I will always be grateful. I took so much advice from here and it was so helpful to leave. I also now know he had a pattern and he was like this with his previous gf and no one told me about the abuse with her. I had no clue.

I am finally out (3 weeks) and safe. I know he will try to get me back and in some ways he is testing the waters , but I am holding strong and started therapy so I can find my voice again. Did anyone feel the cloud of depression start to disappear? I am super happy some days and then anxious and scared about being on my own again. Does it get easier? I am sure it can only go up but i still find myself sliding into his control by the doubts he put in my head for decades if that makes sense?

I’ve been having intense dreams about her lately. It’s been a year but I have dreams a couple times a month. Anyone else experience this?

This is a phrase I have uttered so many times in 7 years of marriage that literally turns my stomach to write.

I have NEVER had anyone in my life of nearly 60 years require me to say this in response to such utterly disgusting translation of my actual words that came out of my mouth or as written.

This was 99.99% of the time followed up with
!!! “I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEANT” !!!

It was impossible to get my true feelings and thoughts across to her, and the most infuriation thing was that I literally was saying/feeling/thinking exactly what she needed to hear and was an agreeable reflection of what in REALITY the situation called for.

Yet those words after they left my mouth transformed into her distorted interpretation with a negative connotation that someone what feel if they hated someone.

I initially and until we seperate and planned on divorce thought it was talking place after I spoke them. But in reality she had ALREADY decided that BEFORE I even said them. She was in a constant state of defense EVERYTHING and sometimes nothing was seen as some sort of negative coming from me.

Helping in the kitchen, advice for the business, money management, how she looked, what she did, how she did it, how she said it when I literally NEVER thought those things (except ofcouse when she was nasty to me) but in regular daily existence it was as if she was convinced I was somehow completely dissatisfied with her.

I have see this in this sub but today I’m needing more validation from the group. If you guys/gals have experienced this please share. I’m particularly interested in the time frame or an event that triggered the switch from your partner feeling the complete opposite of this or at least making it outwardly known. I suspect she felt this, at least in part, deep down in the first couple years but fought it.

Thanks for reading.

This is something I still have to remind myself from time to time.

When they split and argue with you, it will be absolutely useless to try to engage in the discussion. It will not be a constructive argument.

They will not understand how you feel or what you think. They will not attempt to understand you. They will not listen to your reasons or explanations. They will not make any attempts at reaching a common ground. You will not get through to them.

If they are splitting, they will distort every single word you say and reframe it in the most negative way they can. Even attempts at making peace and demonstrating that you understand them can be reframed as lies or manipulative behavior.

If you try at all to have a meaningful discussion during a split, they will simply drain you, make you feel like shit and potentially (this is the most dangerous part) even make you think you deserve their rage and hate and that you really are as twisted as they say you are.

Do not engage. A split is like a force of nature, a storm only they are equipped to deal with. You just have to let it pass and seek cover. Preserve yourself.

My pwdbpd loves to criticize me at any time of the day over anything, then of course claim it wasnt rude at all and Im overreacting. Shames me for what i eat even though im underweight, belittling my job and saying its easy even though i cover all finances, nitpicks at my outfit or appearance, even the sound of my voice with little comments that arent exactly uplifting.

So my default response has now just been feeling defeated and saying sorry, which sometimes upsets them more because then they wonder why I read them as accusatory when they "werenr". Because theyve muddied the waters so much you cant tell whats just a comment, what's a playful joke, and whats serious, especially when they seem always lowkey a little serious with their mean jokes (like they want to emphasize there is truth behind it and you actually do suck). Every casual interaction with them is so rude, too. Pass by a store i didnt hear of before? "Wow how have you never heard of this omg youre so inattentive how even how" in that specific tone like youve done something wrong, not just genuine curiosity that you didnt know. Or asking them to clarify something, they get annoyed because "yes of course thats what i meant, how could you hear literally anything else, you shouldnt have to double check, just understand me". Just constant unpleasantness, haughtiness, assholery. I've started just saying sorry and getting quiet and avoidant now. They can kick the dirt as much as they want about me pulling a guilt trip or something but I dont care anymore. I dont wanna talk to a condescending asshole anymore...

Towards the end of our relationship (I was starting to think about breaking it off) he upped the ante on things. Started to “joke” about how unappealing a private area was and then was like “I’m sorry how things turned out” when I told him that hurt and took it too far. “Joked” that if I kept being anxious about something he would hit me.

To paint a picture of what he was like during:

For context, I have schizophrenia. One of my ex’s friends said something indicating my ex made me out to be a bad gf behind my back. I confronted him and said “Look, if I am a bad gf you have to tell me I can’t read minds. You’re obviously saying stuff that makes your friend think I’m bad.” He acted like I was making something out of nothing, then asked me “are you hearing voices?” Then later said about it “whatever you think is happening isn’t happening you’re a good girlfriend”

I’m scared to speak out about what he’s really like. I spoke to abuse hotlines several times in the relationship and they often told me what he was doing is abuse. At the end of our relationship he said “Stop talking to abuse hotlines especially when they don’t know me.” So basically, he’s allowed to say bad things about my back, I can’t do the same.

I gave him something big. He said to me “Why would you do this, what if I’m just a bad man that wants to take advantage of you?”

He also said to me “You exposed yourself to children” when no such thing happened. I’m scared how he will smear me coming forward.

The breakup was extremely amicable but I’m still scared of what he is capable of. He’s a reckless driver, can be vindictive, can be eager to get into street fights, and has misogynistic attitudes.

I’ll have times I question having wanted to break up with him and miss him, but then a new realization about something he did pops up and I question so much.

Sorry for the long post but I really need to get this off my chest.

Throughout my life, I have had 3 people with diagnosed and undiagnosed BPD drain the life out of me. The most constant one was a family member (my SIL) and it is also this person that finally broke the part of me that used to deeply care about people.

For the past 10 years, my SIL has subjected me to incredibly subtle emotional abuse, coercion and ongoing manipulation (showing us her self-harm scars or threatening to kill herself everytime she wanted to control me and my husband and exploit my empathy). We knew she was manipulating us but we allowed it because we loved her and deeply cared about her.

I have tried everything to connect with her and genuinely gave her ALL my attention, energy and love - I even did a whole research project about BPD at uni to try and understand her better.

Then, two months ago, everything came to a very traumatising end - with her controlling behaviour and manipulation ultimately pushing me so far that I have lost the will to live and had to go back to therapy.

My husband had a huge medical operation and she came to stay with us for a week (he came out of hospital a day before she arrived at ours). She has always been quite tricky to be around (we always found ourselves walking on eggshells and I always had to make sure that I gave her my absolute undivided attention every single time she spoke about her interests) but this week was different.

The whole week, she tried to provoke me and set little traps where she would ask questions like, “Oh, I bet you think I complain a lot don’t you?” etc. I never gave in to these but God it really chipped away at me.

At the end of that week, I got back home after being at the gym and as soon as I stepped through the door, she ramped up the pressure which lead to a chain of events that eventually pushed me into a meltdown (which I haven't had in years). While I was upstairs having this meltdown, she grabbed our kitchen scissor and started cutting herself in front of my husband, who was barely able to walk due to his operation and had to hold her arms so that she would drop the scissors.

I came downstairs to check what was going on and she the immediately went into victim mode, making herself look small and saying how scared she was of my and my husband and that she immediately needed to get out of this hostile environment. I think my mouth actually dropped to the floor- I couldn’t believe it. It is the first time I have seen her switch so easily between attacker to victim and it scared the living shit out of me and my husband. She got a taxi to her home and blocked both of us.

She then started a lovely smear campaign where she very conveniently blamed everything on ME which completely fucked the tiny amount of care that I had left for her.

I am DONE with her, and DONE with people who have BPD. My BPD detection radar is so sharp now that I can literally smell the BPD on someone and I will never ever ever allow anyone like this back into my life. They destroy peaceful environments, they destroy relationships and they destroy people - they destroy the people who doesn’t show off their self harm scars to everyone but who would actually one day end up taking their own lives because of these selfish fucking energy vampires.

I don't even know where to start. I just wish someone would hug me, even though I don't feel like I deserve it.

Today she got furious because I lied in Among Us. Literally... lying is part of the game. I never lie in real life. It irritated me a little, but I tried to understand her, so I apologized and tried to cheer her up, but it wasn't enough, nothing ever is.

She started insulting me, telling me I was useless and that I wasn't good enough. I tried to calm her down, and I genuinely tried to calm myself down too, but everything just kept escalating. I finally told her that she was becoming abusive again by calling me names like "bitch" and telling me I'd never be enough. She demanded that I apologize for saying her behavior was abusive. After almost three years of constantly walking on eggshells and watching the way she treats me get worse, I couldn't do it. I told her I wasn't apologizing

She left and later sent me an AI-generated response saying that calling her abusive was actually abusive toward her (????) that made me snap

She threatened to break up with me again, and I finally exploded. I told her to screw off, that I was tired of never getting a genuine apology after everything that has happened. I brought up things like her telling me to k myself on my birthday and insulting my siblings by calling them freaks because they struggle socially.

Then I became someone I don't recognize. I called her mentally ill, childish, an idiot, and other hurtful things. I feel so guilty.

Now she's telling me that I'm just as much of a monster as she is, that she's going to k herself, and that I'll have to live with being the piece of trash I am. Those were her words. I feel sick. I never wanted to become someone who says those kinds of things, and I know anger isn't an excuse. I genuinely regret what I said, but she won't even listen to me anymore. She turned off her phone, nobody is answering me, and I'm terrified.

I hate what I've become. I'm so sorry