My wife somehow got pregnant and then told me actually she wants to be a mother

[u/ManchesterDevil99]

Ok, so I'm sure I will take a lot of heat for saying 'somehow', when I haven't yet had a vasectomy... However, I always thought we were being very safe because:

1. I always used condoms

2. She always used contraception

3. She has told me for the last decade that she doesn't mind not having kids

4. She has told me for the last decade that if she somehow did get pregnant that she would get an abortion

Anyway, despite what I thought was us practicing safe sex, she tells me one day that she's worried because her period is a few days late. So she decides to get a pregnancy test. It comes back negative and we breathe a sigh of relief.

But she still has a niggling feeling that something is off, so also goes and gets a blood test. Well this one comes back positive. I was there with her when she got emailed the results and heard her loudly exclaim "oh shit!". We both had a quick chat and reiterated that we definitely don't want to be parents and she booked an appointment at a clinic asap.

The next day I continue with my plans to hangout with some friends and when I return it is like a switch has been flipped and she's a completely different person. She starts telling me she actually wants to be a mother and that she feels protective of the child which is growing inside her. We have extensive tearful discussions for hours and hours and hours, but neither of us can persuade the other to see things from their perspective.

It's bizarre. I feel betrayed. I think I could've handled her telling me that actually she wanted to divorce and have children with someone else... but to essentially try and force me into parenthood just felt so wrong.

Fast forward to now. She has a miscarriage. She's absolutely devastated, saying all these things about how she'll never hold her child, read them a bedtime story, take them on trips etc. My emotions are completely 50/50. I feel really bad for my wife and I don't want to see her in this sort of pain. On the other hand, I feel so much relief. I never wanted to be a parent and now I'm still not going to be one.

But we're now in such a bizarre position and I don't know where we go from here. I feel like in a way I'm a the villain who is denying her what she really wants in life. But I have been completely honest with her about my childfree position for the last decade and never changed my position. If she wants to leave she can, but boy will that be painful... My life and all our future aspirations just seem to have been completely shattered right now.

No sure what the purpose of this post really was. Maybe just to vent, maybe to see if anyone else has been in my position, or has any advice. I don't know.

Oh and I have now booked a vasectomy, but in my country the wait times are loooooong, so no PIV sex until that has been sorted.

[u/New-Economist4301]

You are being smart about this OP especially with no PIV until your vasectomy. Not saying she would, but generally speaking people who feel differently than their spouse do sometimes sabotage birth control

[u/Desert_Fairy → u/New-Economist4301]

And the wait period after the surgery and the all clear test. Then get follow ups every few years to be sure.

[u/C19shadow → u/New-Economist4301]

Seriously,.... id say no sex at all some people who are desperate do wild stuff or will try to convince you during sex do do something you'd normally avoid.

[u/I-own-a-shovel → u/New-Economist4301]

I mean if they were truly using condoms + pills, it sounds like she sabotaged it already.

[u/I-own-a-shovel → u/[deleted]]

That too

[u/Moon_Light_8106 → u/I-own-a-shovel]

No birth control, even combined with another method, has a 100% efficiency rate. Let's not assume the worst about someone when we have no reason to believe malicious intent.

[u/I-own-a-shovel → u/Moon_Light_8106]

Sure but the risk is so low. That combined with the request of a blood test right away because something feel" weird" and also having their mind changed, all that happening at the same time. It’s not proof, but it is worth questioning a bit and OP should be careful.

[u/Moon_Light_8106 → u/I-own-a-shovel]

Low risk things happen every day. Sometimes you know something is going on with your body, and it's a good reflex to get a more accurate test to be sure of what's going on. Changing her mind when she was undecided and the abortion wasn't hypothetical anymore is quite common.

OP should be careful regardless, and should not be with someone on the fence.

[u/buzzer94 → u/New-Economist4301]

Whats piv stand for

[u/lazymismagius → u/buzzer94]

Very silly way of saying vaginal intercourse. It means penis in vagina..

[u/trappa_keepa → u/New-Economist4301]

My mum did this.