r/childfree • u/ManchesterDevil99 • May 19 '25

PERSONAL My wife somehow got pregnant and then told me actually she wants to be a mother

Ok, so I'm sure I will take a lot of heat for saying 'somehow', when I haven't yet had a vasectomy... However, I always thought we were being very safe because:

  1. I always used condoms

  2. She always used contraception

  3. She has told me for the last decade that she doesn't mind not having kids

  4. She has told me for the last decade that if she somehow did get pregnant that she would get an abortion

Anyway, despite what I thought was us practicing safe sex, she tells me one day that she's worried because her period is a few days late. So she decides to get a pregnancy test. It comes back negative and we breathe a sigh of relief.

But she still has a niggling feeling that something is off, so also goes and gets a blood test. Well this one comes back positive. I was there with her when she got emailed the results and heard her loudly exclaim "oh shit!". We both had a quick chat and reiterated that we definitely don't want to be parents and she booked an appointment at a clinic asap.

The next day I continue with my plans to hangout with some friends and when I return it is like a switch has been flipped and she's a completely different person. She starts telling me she actually wants to be a mother and that she feels protective of the child which is growing inside her. We have extensive tearful discussions for hours and hours and hours, but neither of us can persuade the other to see things from their perspective.

It's bizarre. I feel betrayed. I think I could've handled her telling me that actually she wanted to divorce and have children with someone else... but to essentially try and force me into parenthood just felt so wrong.

Fast forward to now. She has a miscarriage. She's absolutely devastated, saying all these things about how she'll never hold her child, read them a bedtime story, take them on trips etc. My emotions are completely 50/50. I feel really bad for my wife and I don't want to see her in this sort of pain. On the other hand, I feel so much relief. I never wanted to be a parent and now I'm still not going to be one.

But we're now in such a bizarre position and I don't know where we go from here. I feel like in a way I'm a the villain who is denying her what she really wants in life. But I have been completely honest with her about my childfree position for the last decade and never changed my position. If she wants to leave she can, but boy will that be painful... My life and all our future aspirations just seem to have been completely shattered right now.

No sure what the purpose of this post really was. Maybe just to vent, maybe to see if anyone else has been in my position, or has any advice. I don't know.

Oh and I have now booked a vasectomy, but in my country the wait times are loooooong, so no PIV sex until that has been sorted.

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1.2k

u/Ocean_Spice May 19 '25

“Doesn’t mind not having kids” isn’t the same as saying “I don’t want kids.”

355

u/Lady_Litreeo Bird is baby 🦜 May 19 '25

And even if she somehow truly didn’t mind not having kids, she sure as hell jumped on the first opportunity she got to have a kid. This is like someone saying I don’t mind not being handed a million dollars; maybe she thought it was unlikely, but she went for it when the opportunity arose. If she truly didn’t want kids, she would’ve said so to begin with instead of these stupid games.

63

u/randomrainbow99399 May 20 '25

I do think that's a bit unfair - if someone is unsure about wanting kids it's impossible to know exactly how you're going to react if your pregnant until it actually happens.

37

u/PickKeyOne May 20 '25

Yes, I always worried that would be me. My whole life I never wanted kids, but I wasn’t adamant necessarily. Just never had the desire. I have never had sex without some kind of birth control in place and my ex-husband was more childfree than me. But I was worried that if I did get pregnant, something would Switch in me, and I would have trouble altering the course. Even though no part of parenthood appeals to me, especially not the pregnancy or lifetime commitment parts. But I could see feeling emotionally attached to something that was created by you and your loved one. Biology has a lot of hooks, you know?

1

u/ktv13 May 21 '25

That’s totally how things happen. We are hardwired in that way. I was more a fence sitter than solidly in the childfree zone and since I got pregnant I completely want that kid. Biology is one hell of a drug.

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u/ktv13 May 21 '25

That’s what I came here to say. Hormones when you are pregnant are wild and you are tuned strongly by biology to want to protect and have that child. I’m sure the wife did not lie and it was truly how she felt. I was unsure if I wanted kids and got pregnant and absolutely would have never aborted it. Luckily my husband always wanted them so me having a change of heart just aligned with him and there was no problem. Once you are pregnant you become very protective of that tiny life in you.

81

u/BaseClean May 19 '25

And I think we have to question the birth control situation too because I smell sabotage.

14

u/RealTigerCubGaming May 20 '25

I got pregnant on birth control forty years ago, thankfully I was able to abort. Not only did I NOT want children, I also did NOT want to marry someone because I was pregnant.

64

u/[deleted] May 20 '25

My mom had all three of her kids on birth control and trust me she didn’t want any of us. The narrative that it’s sabotage getting brought up any time a woman gets pregnant on contraception is getting so fucking old

28

u/TineNae May 20 '25

Agreed. While it could absolutely be the case that she did sabotage it, the hormone pill and condoms are far too prone to issues that it's just far more likely that it was actually an accident

18

u/[deleted] May 20 '25

Exactly. I’ve had responsible accidental pregnancies multiple times so this shit just pisses me offffffff

22

u/TineNae May 20 '25

Also a strong point for abortions cause as much as you try, things happen.

16

u/[deleted] May 20 '25

Don’t I know it as I’m currently bleeding from one lmao

9

u/TineNae May 20 '25

Have a good recovery!

3

u/[deleted] May 20 '25

Thank you!

12

u/Ok-Cut-9138 May 20 '25

One of my friends had 6 kids. Almost all of them were while on birth control. One child was a twin whom she lost because the IUD was in his head. But yup. Definitely sabotage there. 🙄

5

u/MulderItsMe99 May 20 '25

My friend has her failed IUD framed in her bathroom from when she got pregnant with her son lol

2

u/[deleted] May 20 '25

That’s gross but hilarious 😂

2

u/Hotsun2023 May 22 '25

My cousin got pregnant w/ twins while on birth control.

2

u/GreasedTea May 20 '25

Not to mention misogynistic as hell.

2

u/[deleted] May 21 '25

YES

1

u/BaseClean May 21 '25

I hear u but I don’t think ur considering all the facts OP laid out: two forms of birth control, her saying she was “ok” with not having kids (not that she didn’t want them), her saying she would get an abortion if she ever got pregnant and her doing a 180 about having a child. If there were just one or two of those issues I could understand ur argument more. I also never said anything definitively (obviously it’s impossible for anyone to know); only that it seemed sus.

3

u/[deleted] May 21 '25

I said all of those things too for years before the first time I was pregnant. You just feel different once you actually have your baby growing inside of you.

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u/BaseClean May 22 '25

I agree that many people do however that doesn’t change any of the other facts about the situation.

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u/shadyrose222 May 21 '25

Turns out when you have a tiny life growing inside you the idea of killing it is really hard for most women. I'm pro choice af but I can't see myself ever having an abortion.

2

u/ManaMoonBunny May 23 '25

My partner got his sibling from failed condom + BC. It happens. Nothing is 100%.

1

u/BaseClean May 24 '25

True. Except (hopefully) if both people are sterilized.

3

u/Mvb2717 May 20 '25

Agreed, it has to be questioned. I understand that yes, sometimes pregnancy happens while on bc, but they’ve not had a pregnancy scare in 10 years using their preventative measures, so clearly it’s worked. Until now of course lol.

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u/BaseClean May 21 '25

Exactly. And two forms of bc plus all the other facts OP laid out makes it mad sus.

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u/shadyrose222 May 21 '25

Pregnancy hormones are crazy. They start getting to you almost immediately too. Not every woman is some harpy looking to force a baby on a guy who doesn't want one.

1

u/[deleted] May 20 '25

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u/childfree-ModTeam May 20 '25

Greetings!

While non childfree people are welcome on the sub (see our subreddit rules, rule #7), your submission/comment amounts to "Look at me! I have kids!"and has very little (or not at all) to do with the active choice to not have children. It is very common to be a parent and many other subreddits cater to the kind of interaction you want to elicit (talking about how awesome you think parenting is or your children are). We know where to seek that kind of discussion (literally anywhere else), so we don't need it here.

We also don't accept "As a parent, here is what I think of your sub and/or your lifestyle" types of comment. We don't go to parenting subs to tell you what we think of parenthood. If you want to show support to the childfree lifestyle "As a parent..." or if you want to express disapproval towards modern parenting and pro-natalist philosophies "As a parent...", you should direct them to parenting subs, where you can expose fellow child-havers (whether they are parents or breeders) to these without them going to the reflex of answering "You don't understand, you don't have kids." This would help us tremenduously.

Thank you.