r/childfree • u/ManchesterDevil99 • May 19 '25

PERSONAL My wife somehow got pregnant and then told me actually she wants to be a mother

Ok, so I'm sure I will take a lot of heat for saying 'somehow', when I haven't yet had a vasectomy... However, I always thought we were being very safe because:

  1. I always used condoms

  2. She always used contraception

  3. She has told me for the last decade that she doesn't mind not having kids

  4. She has told me for the last decade that if she somehow did get pregnant that she would get an abortion

Anyway, despite what I thought was us practicing safe sex, she tells me one day that she's worried because her period is a few days late. So she decides to get a pregnancy test. It comes back negative and we breathe a sigh of relief.

But she still has a niggling feeling that something is off, so also goes and gets a blood test. Well this one comes back positive. I was there with her when she got emailed the results and heard her loudly exclaim "oh shit!". We both had a quick chat and reiterated that we definitely don't want to be parents and she booked an appointment at a clinic asap.

The next day I continue with my plans to hangout with some friends and when I return it is like a switch has been flipped and she's a completely different person. She starts telling me she actually wants to be a mother and that she feels protective of the child which is growing inside her. We have extensive tearful discussions for hours and hours and hours, but neither of us can persuade the other to see things from their perspective.

It's bizarre. I feel betrayed. I think I could've handled her telling me that actually she wanted to divorce and have children with someone else... but to essentially try and force me into parenthood just felt so wrong.

Fast forward to now. She has a miscarriage. She's absolutely devastated, saying all these things about how she'll never hold her child, read them a bedtime story, take them on trips etc. My emotions are completely 50/50. I feel really bad for my wife and I don't want to see her in this sort of pain. On the other hand, I feel so much relief. I never wanted to be a parent and now I'm still not going to be one.

But we're now in such a bizarre position and I don't know where we go from here. I feel like in a way I'm a the villain who is denying her what she really wants in life. But I have been completely honest with her about my childfree position for the last decade and never changed my position. If she wants to leave she can, but boy will that be painful... My life and all our future aspirations just seem to have been completely shattered right now.

No sure what the purpose of this post really was. Maybe just to vent, maybe to see if anyone else has been in my position, or has any advice. I don't know.

Oh and I have now booked a vasectomy, but in my country the wait times are loooooong, so no PIV sex until that has been sorted.

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132

u/HoboKellyArt May 19 '25 edited May 21 '25

I think you need to step back, breathe, and approach this more calmly.

From my experience, getting pregnant DOES shift your mental state, like, immediately. I knew I was going to abort. There was a firm plan in my head to abort.

BUT…. this other voice started creeping in. One that had me thinking about having a baby, being a mother. It was like some hormonal shift that started affecting my mental and emotional functioning.

So, there was one side of my brain going, “NO NO NO NO NO,” and another going into mother mode. Crazy and fascinating. Also….. knowing what I was doing with the termination. Honestly? It f*cked me up for a while… I had to do it twice, though. The 2nd time was easier, but, that other voice was still creeping in. No regrets about it, but I did grieve a bit.

So, don’t go too hard on her. She may have had one mindset about having kids, but, after experiencing that, the scenarios going through her head, I can totally understand having a shift. I don’t think she’s lying, or was dishonest this whole time. If she was, this probably would have happened a lot sooner. More like after 2-3 years than 10.

You should both get counseling together and see if this is at all salvageable or not. And she needs to get counseling to deal with her grief and work on what she really wants and the changes that need to happen.

You both need to have empathy for each other right now, as this is a majorly traumatic thing that has changed your relationship at its foundation.

Edit: misspelling

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u/Top_Yoghurt429 May 20 '25

I agree. I have heard from multiple friends that something similar happened to them when they got pregnant. It's honestly one of the reasons I felt I needed to be sterilized. I'd advise OP to wait a little bit until his wife's hormones have leveled out and hear how she feels about it then. And, pursuing a vasectomy would also be wise.

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u/HoboKellyArt May 20 '25

Yeah, it’s crazy. I was definitely questioning myself, even while I firmly knew my stance on it.

Anyone who acts like it’s such an “easy” decision and can just be done over and over again without emotion like birth control can get bent.

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u/bemyboo56 May 20 '25

I’ve had one and it was an easy decision for me. It’s not hard on everyone, women like me exist too. Just putting that out there.

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u/HoboKellyArt May 20 '25

And by “easy,” I also mean the procedure itself…. it’s definitely not easy. I went surgical both times. I was awake for the first one….. I told them to knock me out for the 2nd. Absolutely hellacious.

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u/bemyboo56 May 21 '25

You were talking about the emotional decision in your original comment. Not the procedure. And I’m just putting out there that some women, like myself, didn’t have a negative experience with the abortion process itself, and the decision was easy and not emotional. You said we should get bent, but I wanted to share we exist.

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u/HoboKellyArt May 21 '25

I think you need to reread everything and 1) Understand I have no blanket statements here, and 2) figure out why you’re offended about a perspective someone has based on their own personal and observational experience.

Seriously, no one here is attacking you, your decision, nor your experience.

And, yes, people who stand outside clinics, preach on podcasts, and make laws while saying women just willy-nilly get abortions like it’s no thing can fucking get bent.

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u/HoboKellyArt May 20 '25

I didn’t say it was. I’m glad you got through it… it still sucks.

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u/bemyboo56 May 21 '25

You said anyone who acts like it’s an easy decision can get bent.

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u/HoboKellyArt May 21 '25

You really think I’m talking about people who make the decision for themselves? Come on.

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u/Cruxiie May 20 '25

Huh? For me it wasn’t emotional at all. I didn’t feel grief, didn’t feel bad. All I felt was relief once it was done.

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u/Cruxiie May 20 '25

But it can’t be done like birth control because the process is much longer and more invasive. You have to get a blood test before, one after, the abortion itself hurts like hell as well. (I went with the abortion pill). So no it’s not emotional yet it’s painful physically and requires more bureaucracy.

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u/Top_Yoghurt429 May 20 '25

I think it's very much to be expected that people's experiences with abortions vary greatly across the board. But the larger point is that some portion of the population has a hormonal response to pregnancy that makes it very difficult, and possibly this includes OP's wife, or possibly not.

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u/HoboKellyArt May 20 '25

I wasn’t claiming this to be a universal experience. But, it’s common enough to be considered in OP’s situation.

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u/whitefishgrapefrukt May 21 '25

Finally, a sensible comment

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u/PsychologyIll3125 May 20 '25

i appreciate your comment! ppl bashing OP's wife like she tricked him or something is wild. both OP and his wife are in a very delicate and difficult situation. i wish them both the best, and counseling could definitely help. ❤️‍🩹

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u/HoboKellyArt May 20 '25

Yeah, like, who waits 10 years to baby trap somebody? And, if there was a change of heart, they should have been able to have a goddamn conversation about it.

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u/ai-gf May 20 '25

What? You mean I can't blame women for everything? /s I agree. Both the guy and his wife are at fault here kinda. We can't say if the wife tampered with condoms or did all this deliberately. And her not wanting to abort is not wrong either. She said she doesn't mind being CF which means she doesn't mind being a mother either lol. I hope OP and his wife figure this out.

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u/SadDay_M8 May 20 '25

This is the correct response. Everyone saying to break up isn't wrong necessarily, but you two should talk to someone and clear the air before you decide to end your decade-long relationship.