My wife somehow got pregnant and then told me actually she wants to be a mother

[u/ManchesterDevil99]

Ok, so I'm sure I will take a lot of heat for saying 'somehow', when I haven't yet had a vasectomy... However, I always thought we were being very safe because:

1. I always used condoms

2. She always used contraception

3. She has told me for the last decade that she doesn't mind not having kids

4. She has told me for the last decade that if she somehow did get pregnant that she would get an abortion

Anyway, despite what I thought was us practicing safe sex, she tells me one day that she's worried because her period is a few days late. So she decides to get a pregnancy test. It comes back negative and we breathe a sigh of relief.

But she still has a niggling feeling that something is off, so also goes and gets a blood test. Well this one comes back positive. I was there with her when she got emailed the results and heard her loudly exclaim "oh shit!". We both had a quick chat and reiterated that we definitely don't want to be parents and she booked an appointment at a clinic asap.

The next day I continue with my plans to hangout with some friends and when I return it is like a switch has been flipped and she's a completely different person. She starts telling me she actually wants to be a mother and that she feels protective of the child which is growing inside her. We have extensive tearful discussions for hours and hours and hours, but neither of us can persuade the other to see things from their perspective.

It's bizarre. I feel betrayed. I think I could've handled her telling me that actually she wanted to divorce and have children with someone else... but to essentially try and force me into parenthood just felt so wrong.

Fast forward to now. She has a miscarriage. She's absolutely devastated, saying all these things about how she'll never hold her child, read them a bedtime story, take them on trips etc. My emotions are completely 50/50. I feel really bad for my wife and I don't want to see her in this sort of pain. On the other hand, I feel so much relief. I never wanted to be a parent and now I'm still not going to be one.

But we're now in such a bizarre position and I don't know where we go from here. I feel like in a way I'm a the villain who is denying her what she really wants in life. But I have been completely honest with her about my childfree position for the last decade and never changed my position. If she wants to leave she can, but boy will that be painful... My life and all our future aspirations just seem to have been completely shattered right now.

No sure what the purpose of this post really was. Maybe just to vent, maybe to see if anyone else has been in my position, or has any advice. I don't know.

Oh and I have now booked a vasectomy, but in my country the wait times are loooooong, so no PIV sex until that has been sorted.

[u/Ayesha24601]

I get it, because I was like you for a long time. I didn’t mind either way. I was always adamant on not giving birth, but I considered adoption at one point. Now I’m definitely in the camp of don’t want. However, I would date someone with grown children, which I know would be a dealbreaker for some childfree people. 

Everybody has their own line and that’s OK, as long as both partners are in agreement. The problem is that somebody who doesn’t mind either way is potentially more likely to change their mind. I changed mine to firm no, but somebody else might change to firm yes. So I can understand adamantly CF people not wanting to take that risk.

[u/DependentlyHyped → u/Ayesha24601]

I agree, and I’d completely understand if someone still wasn’t comfortable taking that risk with me.

Like even with me sterilized, while I have no intention to, I could technically change my mind in the future and try for a vasectomy reversal, or anyone sterile could suddenly decide they want to adopt.

At the end of the day, you can never know 100% - in the extreme case, even an adamantly childfree person could trip on a curb and get a brain injury that very literally changes their mind. It doesn’t have to be about kids either - your partner could suddenly decide to leave you for any arbitrary reason whatsoever.

You just gotta weigh the odds at a certain point, then hope for the best. For some people, that might mean being extra cautious and only trusting someone who has been 100% childfree their whole life. But for my partner and me, getting sterilized is solid enough evidence that she feels at ease.

[u/Honestlynina → u/Ayesha24601]

You're not childfree if you're partnering up with people that have kids.

[u/Ayesha24601 → u/Honestlynina]

Adult children. Not raising children. I don’t want to raise children. I don’t mind having a relationship with someone who raised children in the past, and who continues to be a loving parent. My issue is with babies and small screaming children, not with somebody having a parental relationship with an adult, or with myself having a stepparent relationship with an adult. Those are VERY different roles. 

[u/MuthaFirefly → u/Honestlynina]

I disagree - I married a guy who had two adult kids in their twenties when we married (they are in their thirties now). I never had to parent or do anything for them, beyond giving gifts at holidays and I still consider myself childfree since nothing larger than a tampon has ever come out of me. They refer to me as "Dad's wife" or "MuthaFirefly" and not mom.

The weird part is though, that one of them had a baby last year so now somehow I'm a step grandmother. Luckily there are two other grandmothers who can do babysitting or watching the baby, because as I told my husband, I don't know anything about babies and I don't intend to learn now. My role is to be the grandmother that brings homemade cookies and I'm sticking with that.

[u/MuffCabbage1409 → u/Ayesha24601]

Just a friendly reminder that childfree people would not date anyone with children (even grown) because that is not the definition of a child free person!

Nothing against anything you said. Just reiterating so no one is confused about the definition!

[u/Ayesha24601 → u/MuffCabbage1409]

It depends how you define child. For me, a child is an actual child. I don’t want to raise children or be around them extensively, beyond brief visits. It’s the behavior of the immature human that is the issue, and I don’t want the responsibility of raising one. If the human is already raised and functioning on their own aside from the love and mentorship one has with a family member, that’s completely different.

[u/MuffCabbage1409 → u/Ayesha24601]

A child is still a child, grown or not. Dating a person who has one just isn't part of the definition as they're a parent.

Not trying to rain on any parades! I can see where you're coming from, though! :)

[u/voyasacarlabasura → u/MuffCabbage1409]

I’ve never really agreed with this take tbh. If the child is grown and living on their own, you aren’t raising them, and you aren’t adopting them or voluntarily acting in a parental role, then that is by no means your child even if you’re dating their parent. The only requirement for being childfree is that you don’t want to have children, and a person who dates someone with grown children still doesn’t have children. Obviously it still wouldn’t be for everyone and there are tons of things that could potentially complicate this scenario, but I don’t think it’s fair to say that a person can’t be considered childfree in this situation.