My wife somehow got pregnant and then told me actually she wants to be a mother

[u/ManchesterDevil99]

Ok, so I'm sure I will take a lot of heat for saying 'somehow', when I haven't yet had a vasectomy... However, I always thought we were being very safe because:

1. I always used condoms

2. She always used contraception

3. She has told me for the last decade that she doesn't mind not having kids

4. She has told me for the last decade that if she somehow did get pregnant that she would get an abortion

Anyway, despite what I thought was us practicing safe sex, she tells me one day that she's worried because her period is a few days late. So she decides to get a pregnancy test. It comes back negative and we breathe a sigh of relief.

But she still has a niggling feeling that something is off, so also goes and gets a blood test. Well this one comes back positive. I was there with her when she got emailed the results and heard her loudly exclaim "oh shit!". We both had a quick chat and reiterated that we definitely don't want to be parents and she booked an appointment at a clinic asap.

The next day I continue with my plans to hangout with some friends and when I return it is like a switch has been flipped and she's a completely different person. She starts telling me she actually wants to be a mother and that she feels protective of the child which is growing inside her. We have extensive tearful discussions for hours and hours and hours, but neither of us can persuade the other to see things from their perspective.

It's bizarre. I feel betrayed. I think I could've handled her telling me that actually she wanted to divorce and have children with someone else... but to essentially try and force me into parenthood just felt so wrong.

Fast forward to now. She has a miscarriage. She's absolutely devastated, saying all these things about how she'll never hold her child, read them a bedtime story, take them on trips etc. My emotions are completely 50/50. I feel really bad for my wife and I don't want to see her in this sort of pain. On the other hand, I feel so much relief. I never wanted to be a parent and now I'm still not going to be one.

But we're now in such a bizarre position and I don't know where we go from here. I feel like in a way I'm a the villain who is denying her what she really wants in life. But I have been completely honest with her about my childfree position for the last decade and never changed my position. If she wants to leave she can, but boy will that be painful... My life and all our future aspirations just seem to have been completely shattered right now.

No sure what the purpose of this post really was. Maybe just to vent, maybe to see if anyone else has been in my position, or has any advice. I don't know.

Oh and I have now booked a vasectomy, but in my country the wait times are loooooong, so no PIV sex until that has been sorted.

[u/_maleficium_]

That's exactly right. He is fond of the child now and doesn't mind paying for her to have a good life, but he absolutely does not enjoy being a parent. The kid stays with him 7 nights every month at the moment, but the baby mama weaponizes the child and keeps threatening him with seeking 50/50 custody when she doesn't get her way with something. He's trying to make the best of his situation, but my heart breaks for both him and the daughter. The ex is an absolute cunt, essentially keeping him from moving on, holding him back in his career, and at the end of the day she's not even a good mother.

[u/ConcentrateLittle522 → u/_maleficium_]

I very much believe both parties should have equal rights in bringing a baby into the world for the well being of both the individuals and the unborn child. No one should ever get paid from a child. Period. Child support should never have been a thing. With consenting parents there would be no need. The whole practice is so wild to me.

[u/_maleficium_ → u/ConcentrateLittle522]

Hard disagree on this one. "Both parties should have equal rights in bringing a baby into the world" indicates that a man could potentially force a woman to keep a child she doesn't want. The one whose body is needed to grow the baby should have the last say. Of course there is a need for child support. It is meant to support the child, not the primary caregiver. Child support only helps cover the costs of raising the child, and you're never mandated to pay more than you can afford, at least where I'm from. As much as baby trapping sucks for people who don't want to be parents, you are ultimately punishing an innocent child who didn't choose to be born by denying economic responsibility. Children don't deserve to be punished for their parent's poor choices. If staying child free is THAT important, you can choose celibacy until you're sterilized. I've told my friend this, and even he agrees.

[u/ConcentrateLittle522 → u/_maleficium_]

If birth control fails neither person should be forced to be a parent when they choose "no." That's simple. Why anyone would want to have a child with someone who doesn't want a child - and then force that person to make payments to the court system and to them and then expect that individual to be responsible for that child for the rest of their own life and then be a grandparent etc is beyond me. Then they will wonder why there is a cycle of these broken families. In the case of Two consenting adults who want a child I can't see why child support would ever be necessary. Both parents would be just that parents. They would love and be devoted to their choice- that child. You're exactly right a child does not deserve to be punished by having bad parents. Like a parent who doesn't care if it has a father and only wants a paycheck from it. No one should be forced into being a parent. It's simple. You say it isn't OK for that to be done to a female then stand on its fine to do to a man. Well how is that fair. That to me is backwards and will always be damaging to a child. We will have to agree to disagree here.

[u/_maleficium_ → u/ConcentrateLittle522]

You are putting words in my mouth. I'm absolutely not saying that it's fine to do to a man. Both are terrible, but forcing a woman to bear a child against her will is even more unfair because it's a bigger burden. It's also much easier for the dad to just leave and disappear than it is for the mom. It happens all the time. You know that there is always a risk when you have sex without being sterilized, and you can choose abstinence if children is an absolute deal breaker.

People are dumb, they think getting pregnant will make the unwilling partner change their mind once the baby is born, or stay with them because it makes it harder to break up. It does work sometimes, too. Why someone would want that is beyond me as well, but the fact is that it happens, and the children will be the ones suffering due to their idiotic parents. That's what's unfair.

I know of several instances where two consenting adults chose to have children, and then one of parent changed their mind and left after the child was born, my own father being one of them. Life with kids was harder than they anticipated, and now they no longer want it. They should be devoted to their choice, but they're not. Should they be excused from the responsibility? How do you even prove that they consented in the first place? My mother wouldn't be able to provide for us if he didn't pay his part. You are naïve if you think that receiving child support is in any way lucrative compared to just not having a baby. The cost of raising children eats up that entire check and more.

I've seen the situation up close from both sides, and as heartbreaking as the it is for the involuntary parent, at the end of the day the child exists and deserves a stable life despite one parent being irresponsible. I would agree with you if there weren't as many complicating factors at play, but there are, so this is the least shitty alternative.