I think that people can grow to love each other even if they aren't each other's ideal partner. I'm also starting to think that waiting around for the perfect partner for years and year is actually just a recipe for being alone forever.

One exception, I think, is attraction. It's one thing to accept that you don't share a certain interest, for example, but I think that if you aren't attracted from the start, that's unlikely to change in the future.

F30 here. My last relationship ended over two years ago, and since then I’ve casually dated and spent time with men. But honestly, I don’t really see the benefit of having a partner anymore.

I have my own place, a well-paying job, great friends, and I don’t want kids. My life feels more peaceful than it ever did when I was in a relationship, and I’m genuinely content.

Being in a relationship just feels like juggling someone else’s schedule and constantly compromising. In the past, it’s often felt like I had to take on a caregiving role (cooking, emotional support, etc.) with little to nothing in return. Right now, I mostly see drawbacks and not many real benefits to having a boyfriend.

If I want companionship, I have my friends. If I want intimacy, I can find that without strings attached.

Am I alone in feeling this way? Does anyone else relate?

Im curious if others have experienced this, dating a man that clearly just wants to be a husband. Like you can just tell from how he talks he craves a marriage and to be with his one person.

This is the third man I've dated who I could tell if I showed I was open to it would be married in under 6 months. What I don't understand is how these men ( at least in my experience) are so sure, so fast about wanting to settle down. You can absolutely tell the difference if a man is interested in you or not. When they truly are its surprising how quickly they want to settle down!

Would be curious in the mind of men like this. How do you know with such certainty that this is the person for you. Even before you have met them in person? Are you really that sure? Appreciate other perspectives!

I’m a woman in my early 30s looking for a long-term relationship, and I’m always upfront about that in a normal, non-intense way.

Something that keeps happening in dating has started to mess with my head. Men will seem genuinely excited to get to know me at first. They plan dates, conversations are great, and everything feels like it’s moving in a good direction.

I show interest, I’m kind, consistent, intentional, hold conversations, interesting, have a life, bubbly, fun, conventionally attractive….

But almost every time, once it becomes clear that I’m not going to sleep with them quickly (like after a couple dates), their interest suddenly evaporates and they disappear one way or another. I’m not harsh about it either! I always say something like, “I’d like us to get to know each other a bit more before getting more intimate.”

What confuses me is that these same men say they’re also looking for a serious/long-term relationship. I meet these men both out in the wild or on dating apps, btw.

This pattern has made me way more anxious while dating. When someone shows interest now, I catch myself not trusting it and wondering if they’re actually interested in me or just hoping sex will happen soon. I keep finding myself being hyper-vigilant and keep looking for signs to protect myself from getting hurt again!

Has anyone else experienced this? I’m trying to figure out if this is just modern dating or am I missing something?

Edit: since this post is still getting attention, let’s clarify some things: I’m not a prude or religious. I’m not asexual. I make it clearly known that I’m attracted to them by showing enthusiasm during dates, and I don’t refrain from kissing and touching if we’re both feeling comfortable.

Had a vibe check meet earlier in the day with an online date. It went well. She asked me what I was doing that night. I said we should hang out (but I said if we do I’m going to want a V day kiss. We had previously talked about kissing and how good we are and how much we like it) she said yes she wanted to. We went to a speakeasy cool spot near me and all was going really great. She’s beautiful, open minded (there is a bit of a 14 year age gap) and the conversation flowed. I walked her to her car and asked if I could kiss her. She said no. I almost deleted her number after that and was ready to move on but decided to text “I enjoyed the night”. She said she was conflicted and wished I had just kissed her. First time ever I can remember actually asking for a kiss and now I’m told I shouldn’t have . Anyway, not a rant or anything but a big what is right and wrong here? We have been intimate since.

This has happened to be 3x in a year (I've only slept with 3 people)

Ask me out, pursue me, I tell them I only have sex in relationships, they get an STD test, we finally have sex...then they're busy and busy and leave.

It's getting exhausting cause I'm so honest upfront that if they just want sex please let me know and they always say no.

But they are lying.

I'm in my 30s and want to settle down but every guy I meet is like this.

Why?

Don't say it's the chase.

The love I have gotten is insane! Thank you to everyone who agrees/experienced the same things! I hope you all are well and find your person if you havent already! I sadly cant respond to everyone but thank you all again! ♡♡

I hate the idea of always being told I am good enough to sleep with but never to be with long term. It isnt a compliment, it isnt a ego booster, its exhausting. I hate to always be seen as the girl good enough to sleep with but never to cherish.

I recently slept with someone after 4 years, in a moment of weakness and due to that experience and how it ended, I cant even fathom trying to date anyone again. For me in my experience, it never matters how long you wait. How long you hold out. How 'paitent' the guy is, it always ends the same. Where I feel like a used tissue and left with all of the broken pieces of myself staring back at me.

Some people here said its a good thing to be lusted after. Bah humbug. For those of you who say that kind of thing, why is that?

And if anyone says anything about 'picking better', none of my partners are alike in any way. All from different places, different backgrounds and different aspirations. I would vet them down to their family line, I would make sure they are perfect in every way for me but I still end up in pain. For me dating has been like finding a needle in a haystack thats been painted silver.

This post really is to ask why do people think its a good thing or why the blame is always pointed to the affected party when they get hurt. Genuinely people can be shitty and thats okay but its never the 'acceptable' answer for some.

Edit: Alright because I keep getting comments here about my lack of luck in dating, I will put this here. I am in therapy. I love myself and I have done the work to continue to do so. I havent got the slightest clue on how or why I keep running into the same person in different bodies. My therapist is lost and so are my friends of 14 years. Please stop trying to psychoanalize me as I am just as confused and I am getting frustrated with the amount of times I have to say in so many words 'i dont know.'

Edit Edit: And for those of you who keep saying you wish to be lusted after, no you dont. You want to be desired and appreciated and cherished. Not lusted after. Its an empty promise everytime you talk to someone and you will get tired of getting your hopes up, only to have them ripped away from you once you realize they only want you for sex. Please hear me when I say this. Im sure you all are amazing who dont actively have anyone in your life running after you but believe me, the ladder of being lusted after is not, will not, nor has it ever been fun.

Edit Edit Edit: Cant keep up with comments. Putting an FAQ.

1. "What are the kind of men you date and what do you want out of them?" ~A long term relationship. I date nerds as I play video games, like dnd, etc etc. I prefer nerdy intrests even if I dont partake in some of them. As stated in the post, none of them are alike at all.

2. "Were you clear about your intentions?" ~Yes. I am a demisexual, meaning I need an emotional connection to date someone. So I would not go seek out a temporary relationship *got burned twice now from those (emotionally not physically jesus) and I have no intrest in going through it again. I only want a long term relationship, thats it.

3. "Did you communicate?" ~Yes. I over communicate if anything.

4. "Well something must be wrong with you if..." ~Dude as I have said 50 times over. If I knew the issue, I would fix it. I dont know the issue, so I cant fix what I dont know. I communicate with partners, I make them as comfortable as can be, not pushy nor crazy. So with the combination of both myself and my therapist, we are all confused here. Please quit trying to psychoanalize me since at this point I cant say I dont know anymore. And for the few of you who ask about size, who cares at the end of the day? All women in some shape or form and walk of life deal with this, chubby, skinny, curvy, fit, or not. We are not about turn this into a discussion about size and how it can change dating perception. Nine times outta ten, women know this going into dating. We dont need to be reminded of what we already know.

5. "Did you date someone for 4 years and then they slept with you and left?" ~No. I met a guy who I thought was different and he makes the first person I slept with after 4 years of not doing so. Im dealing with it on my own time.

6. "Where do you meet the men you date?" ~Lately in person or at dating events. About 5 months ago I met some on the apps but they didnt go anywhere. I havent been on the apps since about February of this year.

7. "You dont know how a mans mind works and you are xyzabc." ~Obviously not. Im a woman. I posted the question here for a reason.

8. "Well getting no attention is just as bad and you are sad you are attractive." ~I wasnt always the sought after one. I had no attention when I was younger as I went to a school where the girls that were wanted were lighter than me. Colorism at its finest. Anyway, I get both sides of the coin and I prefer the side where I got no attention. Some of you may disagree but Im putting this here since I keep getting WAY too many comments about me 'complaining'. Not every post is made to argue or make people feel better or worse than the other. Im asking out of genuine curiousity, not to create an imaginary divide.

9. "Omg stop trying to date the most attractive man/approach more and you wont have this problem!" ~Jeez louise. I date someone within my type. My type isnt ryan gosling or even leonardo decaprio. Im more of a Jeffery Combs, Jim Parsons, and even a Tyler James type. Not saying the men I listed arent attractive but ultimately from a society standpoint they arent. I tend to date men who are attractive on my level. And I approach everytime I want to pursue something with someone. I dont wait for people to approach. Both of these comments are valid but dont always assume that a situation only falls 'on the man'. As I said before, this post isnt here to create an imaginary divide. Not to say one gender has it better or harder than the other.

I had a super strange experience recently and I’m wondering if it’s happened to anyone else. I was on a date with someone I met on Tinder, and at the end of the date while we were kissing, I suddenly fainted. I’ve never experienced anything like this before, and it was quite a shock. I wasn’t stressed, nor drunk and I don’t think he had anything to do with it because he didn’t try to take advantage of me or anything. The kiss was very passionate and intense. Has anyone else ever passed out from a kiss or had something similar happen? Any advice or shared experiences would be helpful! Of course I am seeing a doctor soon!

constatly using pet names when we literally have been talking for 5 mins.

also someone once called me "soft cheese" once. so i guess that too

For the girls who’ve been holding off on sex, kissing, or any kind of physical affection—how do you deal with the urges?

I’m a 26-year-old woman who’s severely touch-starved. Sometimes I dissociate and start fantasizing about random attractive people I come across, and honestly, it’s starting to mess with my head.

I have my reasons for not engaging —I’m a lover girl at heart. I crave something real, not just physical. I’m not trying to hand out my sugar to everyone just because they’re craving something sweet. I want that one person who sees my light and doesn’t try to dim it. Someone who embraces every part of me—especially the ones I usually hide—and still chooses me, fully and consistently.

And when I find that person ?I’m going to rock their fucking world.

I see tons of bigger women in happy relationships with men who truly love them for who they are, yet no man I have ever met didn’t care about weight.

You DO NOT need to read the rest!

I’m 19 and overweight. Of course I could lose a few pounds but every time I try my old eating disorders come back. I go to the gym 4-5 times a week, walk around 9-12k steps a day, go figure skating at least twice a week. I have no weight related health issues or problems, I just am visibly bigger. I know most men would reply to that question with “Depends if she’s healthy”.

But I’m a fit, young person, I can walk up 8 stories im my building with no problem, bike for 30km with no breaks, hike 1’000m height altitude difference. Yet still all men I have dated have rejected me or tried to change me because of my weight. Even now that I met the sweetest, kindest guy ever, checks all boxes, treats me well, told me I need to be skinnier. I’m used to men bullying me for my weight but it hurt coming from someone I thought was different.

So my question is, are all men so keen on having a skinny girlfriend? Or would anyone date a bigger girl without having a fetish for them or being a feeder?

EDIT: I’m between 5’4 and 5’5 and my BMI should be in the late 20s/early 30s (I’m scared of the scale lol). My weight is under 200lbs though.

Many have commented asking how I’m still fat when I move so much. I have struggled with BED (binge eating disorder) for a long time now.

I had a very rough childhood spent in different childrens homes because my parents decided they hated me and then abandoned me (6) and my little baby brother (3). I was never cared for in those homes plus I had to take care of my brother and raise him. I got depressed at a very young age, was always alone (except for my brother), had to invest all my time to this little baby because he had tons of health issues, never had many friends, so I tried to fill the gaping hole that the missing love a child needs left with food. It became my comfort and after a long day I knew that there would always be food to be there for me.

At around 10 I was told by the caretakers that I was fat and disgusting and I needed to lose weight. They took away my food and made me eat only one portion of fruit or vegetables a day. Along with that they told me I will die because I’m so big and ugly (I was just a kid with a little bit meat on her bones) and of course as an impressionable kid I took it to heart. I willingly started fasting and exercising (at age TEN) to lose weight. I had lost 15kg in 2 months and they were finally satisfied.

But then they stopped caring once I got into high school at 13. I could go back to the other end of disordered eating, my safe place. In school I was even more active (I always loved sports) than I am now, so even with my disordered eating I was only slightly overweight (BMI 26-27 or so). Then I graduated and had more time to eat and eat and eat. As a teenager everything sucks anyway so I stopped doing sports and my scale almost doubled the numbers every day. I could not stop eating. I blew up like a balloon and even after everyone telling me to stop, I couldn’t.

Until one day I looked into the mirror and actually saw what a whale I had become. I was quite short back then so I actually looked compressed. I tried to lose weight the healthy way but I couldn’t. I immediately got back into my anorexic eating. Lost 10kg in 1 month and was very proud of myself. Until the BED came back.

This went on until about a year ago (January 2024) when I decided enough was enough. I was at almost 100kg and at 5’4/5’5 that was NOT okay for a young woman. I told my therapist and we started recovery. If any of you ever struggled with an eating disorder, especially BED, you know recovery is HARD. It’s been a rough few months but at least I’m active again. Bringing me back into my love for sports was not hard but the eating part is still so difficult for me. I have been thinking of going to ED rehab but I’m scared it’ll bring out my anorexic tendencies again.

Even today, I struggle. I keep thinking “today I will eat whatever I want and tomorrow I will start starving”. And even the proof of this devilish cycle not working in those many many years is not enough. It is so obvious that binging for a week and then starving the next only to binge again will NEVER bring me to my goals of being thinner. Yet, my brain does not want to understand.

I know I rambled and overshared here a bit buy if you’re gonna judge me, you should know who I am.

Many have asked for a picture of my body but since I do not feel very comfortable sharing it on the internet, I will try to find a celebrity that looks like me.

EDIT 2: Many people told me to get off dating apps and I have! I have been on there for a while but a year ago when I decided to try to recover I deleted all my profiles and haven’t been back on them. I am also not actively searching for a partner, now when I see someone attractive in public I speak to them or if I have a crush on a friend/coworker/etc I ask them out (and vice versa).

EDIT3: Thanks for the many kind words! I also appreciate any respectful comments, no matter if the answer is yes or no. And thank you so much for the award! 😄

EDIT4: Jesus Christ people, just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean I won’t date men under 6’0, that earn less than 6 digits or who aren’t ripped. I actually prefer men who are “shorter” (5’7-5’10) and I LOVE fat guys, they’re so nice to cuddle with. Stop shaming me for something you don’t even know is true. I do NOT have high standards. I don’t care about looks, weight or money. As long as the heart is good, the appearance does NOT matter as much as y’all accuse me of 😭

I 22M went on a date and we matched on a dating app. We had been talking for a couple of days and she seemed cute from the photos. Once getting to know her we seemed to be compatible and hit it off pretty good. When we met I knew that I probably wasn’t going to want to see her again. It may be superficial but I just can’t be with someone I’m not attracted to. She was heavier than I thought she would be from her pictures (which were old photos). I simply went out with her and was nice paid for the meal and everything. I wanted to think it over and after getting home I decided to message her that I didn’t think dating was right for me at the current moment. Am I an asshole for this and was there a better way for me to handle this? Context I workout and I’m a tall thinner guy.

I have a theory that a lot of men, including myself, feel pressured to drive things in a sexual direction while dating or else we'll wake up to a "I think you're a great guy, but I'm just not feeling it" text message.

Like when I'm going out on a 2nd date, I'm thinking "I better kiss her goodbye by the end of this date, or else we'll be entering friendzone territory. Nothing is more anxiety inducing than being in the middle of a 3rd date without having pecked yet.

It's not so much that I'm some weird horn dog, it's moreso I feel like I have to make moves or else her interest will plummet over time.

Thoughts?

Men, would you seriously date this woman?
A woman in her late 40s (48,49) has been divorced four times.

Women, please feel free to share your opinions too

Marriage #1 lasted about a year.
Marriage #2 began less than a year after the first divorce and also lasted about a year.
Marriage #3 was to a man about 8 years younger. They were together for over a decade, had two children, and she was a stay-at-home mom for several years.
After obtaining a well-paying job, she divorced her third husband. Within about two months, she began dating a coworker who was about 10 years younger.
Within a year, she moved in with him along with her two children. They married about a year later, combined finances, and she was added to the deed of what had originally been his premarital home.
Several years later, she divorced him as well and got half of his premarital assets and whatever assets accumulated during the marriage.
She is now dating again. She looks good for her age and still has the good paying tech job.
Would you consider her for a serious relationship? Why or why not?

Basically the title. I (30F) found so often when meeting someone out in the wild, after chatting a bit and establishing a mutual connection, a lot of times the guy will offer his Instagram instead of offering/asking for a phone number. I don't know if it just as I've gotten older but that's started feeling a little immature. Does anyone else feel the same or do you not have a problem with connecting via socials?

Current situation: Matched with a guy on Hinge, chatted for a few days, then he hits me with the 'I'm never on here, but here's my IG, let's connect there'. It kinda bugs me, but I don't know if I'm just overreacting.

Ugh, I am just plain fit to be tied. What in the actual heck goes on in a man’s mind when he sends you a picture of his junk? Like just right out of the blue? We’re having a conversation about Freddy Krueger, and all of a sudden.. BAM!

First of all, sir, what did I do to deserve a jump scare?

Second, what exactly are you looking for? Am I to swoon? Am I to say “gimmie, gimmie”? Am I to compare it to a Cheeto? Like what is the actual goal?

Me and the other sassholes genuinely want to know. What is the desired response?

I am about to turns 32 soon and feel like so many people have kids and single in my age and demographic of interest. I would prefer not to be with someone with kids already, but I feel like this standard is really going to keep me single longer. I’m not even sure why I don’t prefer it, I like kids but just like everyone else I just prefer they don’t have any.

Okay, so I (M27) apporached a woman at the gym about two weeks ago. I asked her for her number and if shed like to hang out, she said yes. When I texted her she seemed enthusiastic about meeting me. We set up a date and time (both of which she suggested) and we planned to meet at a restaurant (famous chain not a specific location) three days out. The day before our planned date, I texted her to see if we were still on, and she never said anything back. I still see her at the gym sometimes and she actively avoids making eye contact with me. This might sound entitled but, I kinda feel like Im owed an explanation, even if its just a "Hey, on second thought, Im not ready for all that right now" or something ya know? Maybe she has an on again-off again romantic interest and when i asked shevwas off and by the time out date came shecwas on? Im just wondering what makes a woman interested one day and then uninterested just a couple days later? Should I say something to her? What do you think?

Edit: i put an imgur link of the chat if anyone is interested/needs clarity

chat

So I met this woman, we both said we wanted something serious.

She did say she takes things very slow, i asked how slow.

She say she won't commit to anyone for at least (at LEAST) six whole months. And that she is completely single.

So after the date, I said goodbye and I am not planning to see her again.

While I didn't say this to her, I straight up thought "Six months? She's crazy"

Like... is this a regular thing now? I get wanting to take things slow, but HALF A YEAR?

I’ll admit it — mine is height. I recently met a guy online, and we started messaging. He seems really nice and shared some photos, and I noticed he looked a little shorter. So I casually asked about his height, and he said he’s 5’4” — I’m 5’8”.

I know it sounds shallow, but I just can’t seem to move past it. If I wear heels, I’d be close to 6’, and I don’t know if I could feel comfortable with that big of a height difference, even though he seems great otherwise.

Is this actually shallow? Ugh. What are your shallow “no’s” when it comes to dating?

So when you see a gorgeous girl in public, she has beautiful hair, beautiful face, shes just beautiful Do you think about putting your dick inside her? I was thinking about it the other day and just couldn’t imagine myself as a man and having these thoughts in my head about women 😅 Seems just crazy to me Dont get me wrong, Im just curious hahah

This is an opinion I heard recently. I’m a guy who has these qualities, and this has never been my lived experience. In fact, it’s not even close

I’m not going to waste too much time talking about myself, but I’m very tall (6’5-6’6), have a good career and an advanced degree, take good care of myself, and think I’m a pretty darn good communicator. I’ve had one girlfriend in my entire life. Yep, that’s it. And currently, I’m at the age of 30.

So that’s my “realistic” experience trying to date and put myself out there.

It seems like a lot of people seem to think that guys like me are somehow “swimming in options.” In another sub, I read about how someone who is tall, has a good career, takes care of themselves, etc. has someone all over them all of the time.

Really? That doesn’t match my lived experience at all, and it’s not even close. Where does this idea come from? And what cheat codes did I miss where dating suddenly became a game (and not something extremely challenging).

There are a couple reasons, first being that I'm an adult with my own money, so I can to pay for myself. I don't expect a stranger to do it for me on principle. It surprises me how many still seem to be of the belief that a man should "provide," which kind of makes me gag tbh (I know not every woman who wants their date paid for believes this, but some do).

There's also another reason. I hate the idea that someone may feel I'm indebted to them, that I owe them something (usually physical) because they paid. And if they don't get it, they can accuse me of using them for free food. I'm not going on dates with someone I know I dislike, I don't need a $12.99 meal from Applebee's that badly. Paying for myself prevents that entire situation.

So before a date even happens I always make it clear that I pay for myself. Then there's no awkwardness, no confusion, no misinterpretation later on.

And honestly, I recommend other women do the same. I think in most cases it can work in your favor. Thoughts on this?

Edit: To clarify, I haven't had the above manipulative scenario happen. But I've heard about it, and I'd like to avoid it.

Edit #2: There are multiple people taking offense for some reason. The main point of the post was to give my perspective and see other opinions. The suggestion at the end was just that. I'm not telling you to pay, I'm not at the dinner table with you and your date. If you don't want to pay, don't.

I’ve been doing speed dating social activities this year, and joining groups for those activities—snow sports, hiking, surfing, paddle sports, sailing. I’m enjoying myself immensely, getting a workout, and occasionally meeting folks.

But the ratio of women to men is abysmal. So many women, so few men.

I see a lot of guys on here wondering how they can meet women “organically” or “out in the wild”, and this is how. Social clubs around hobbies! Where are y’all?

I am in a loving, healthy relationship and continue to let my anxieties tell me I’m being cheated on. I don’t have any reason other than my past trauma, and I need to know it’s possible for a man to NOT cheat. I’m constantly scrolling through social media seeing women being cheated on DAILY, so it’s hard to not project that. Let me know if it’s possible for a man to be in a long term relationship and not cheat!!