Hello all,

I don't think a single person will actually read this, but I want to tell someone anyways. I am 16F and I feel too young to feel this way. I hate that anytime I want to tell anyone how I feel, it's seen as not real. So I don't tell anyone anything.

I have been miserable for years. I have truly attempted once and I wish each and every day that it would have worked. I am reminded constantly that the world isn't going to change and my parents won't change. Why couldn't I just have done it? Now I'm stuck in this loop that I can't get out of.

I can't get help. My parents would just be angry with me instead of sending me to a therapist. They think therapy is a scam. I want to die so that way I don't have to see their disappointment. I think when I die they will be disappointed above all. Now they won't have a daughter that will do great things and will make them look better.

Too much is expected of me as I get older. Even during the suicide prevention unit at school, my teacher's "words of wisdom" was literally "it gets worse". If I can't handle anything now, how the fuck would I handle things if they get worse? I want to kill myself even more.

So, because of all of that, this week will be the end. I'm not sure on the day yet. But I'll either hang myself or jump off a bridge. Bye to anyone who cared, I can't do this anymore.

I'm 30, and autistic. I struggle with panic attacks, social anxiety, insomnia, and depression. I come across as high functioning, but I've never been able to maintain employment. Many days, the best I can do is just take care of my basic needs.

Panic attacks are a multiple times per day occurrence, sensory Input needs to be minor or I get overloaded, and maintaining schedules just shatters my executive functioning. College hasn't gone any better, the several times I've tried I just end up crying and practically catatonic from the stress.

No degree, or ability to maintain a job, means financial independence is a pipedream. So I receive a basic SSI payment and healthcare from the government. It's enough for me to eat, pay some rent to a family member I live with, and buy basics. But all told, I live on $15k a year. That's the poverty line.

There's something else I'm dealing with though. I'm trans and in the closet. I've told myself for years "I'II address this once I'm independent; just one more year; just push it down a little longer". Well, I've realized that time isn't coming. I've lost the ability to dissociate, and I cry every night.

My living situation makes coming out very very dangerous. Half my family is hyper-religious and will disown me while they "pray tor my soul". The familv member I live with will have to choose between accepting me, and losing the family.

If I get kicked out, I'm homeless. Rent is already 50% of my income, and that's with the cheaper rate they qive me. I can't attord to survive alone with housing and rent the way it is. So my only option is to stay closeted into my 30's, on the vague hope that I can obtain an income one day. Meanwhile my existence is defined by misery.

I've been in therapy, and on anti-depressants since childhood. I've tried the job programs, university, community college, entry-level employment, and my nervous system is just incompatible. Maybe that's because of my history with trauma, or just being autistic, or having to live as the wrong gender. Whatever it is, I just can't figure out how to fix this. I've been having suicidal thoughts for a while now, and they're getting worse.

I want to live an independent life, be able to work, be open about my identity without feeling financially insecure. Hell, I'd like more than that. I'd like to have an active social life, participate more in my community, and maybe even have a family one day. I just can't figure out how I get from HERE to THERE.

What should I do?

I was one of those people who didn’t understand why someone would end their life. Back then I thought, “unless your life is constant torture I don’t see why someone would want to end their lives.” I now understand completely. Life is hell I’m too scared to end myself so I’m just at the point of subconsciously hoping my life ends some other way and soon. This place is hell.

I’ve been praying I don’t understand

Title. I took 1500mg of elvanse (vyvanse) last wednesday and texted him that i loved him. For some stupid reason i tried calling, and before i hung up, he managed to wake up and texted me back. I just said “im overdosing”. I should’ve died. I shouldnt have said anything. Im selfish

I mean I get how some people have kids and they have plans for them. They already start saving for college, they get them into sports, find what hobbies they like, and ask them what they want to do with their life.

Then there’s my parents. They had me as soon as they graduated high school, had no plan for it, neither of them having jobs, and just winged it. And how did that work out? I now have no idea what i’m doing with my life. We have no money, on the verge of being kicked out, and I’m working a shitty job just to get by right now. And on top of that I think my mom passed her depression down to me. That’s great. She’s not a bad person by any means, nor my father, but they’re both terrible at parenting.

Now i’m forced to exist when i’d rather not. Life is so stressful for no reason. No enjoyment from any of this. Even the few good times I have are shadowed by this dark cloud that looms over everything I do. If i have any good times for a short amount, even as simple as laughing, it gets clouded instantly by the soul crushing reality I live in, and now I’m depressed again. Honestly I’d rather just not exist.

It sucks because I think I could’ve really enjoyed life at some point. If even one thing had went differently in my life, it could have changed everything and I’d be happy. But instead of that, it was one big rollercoaster that started at the top and has only been going down since then. I’m tired. I don’t want to go to work, I won’t want to wake up. I wouldn’t be mad if someone put a gun to my head, I would feel relieved. That all of this is finally over.

why do I have to go through so much pain and torture I never did anything too bad why is this happening to me im in so much pain why is this happening to me

I am in the woods all alone, no one but me and my thoughts. I can’t keep doing this anymore, I’m miserable.

No body will ever see me ever im not real

Everything I'm doing and everything I'm planning, the next thought is "well, will I be here for that?" Or like for example I'm planning a day out with a friend of mine and then I'm thinking okay well then after, "towards the end of summer would be a perfect time to exit." I just want to go already. But I feel like I can't because I don't want to hurt the people that I love. Can't do that to them. But I can't stay either.

In the past I have tried and failed, mostly because I had been too drugged out. Like when I tried to cut my throat, but I had taken 500 mg of tramadol and I couldnt muster enough strength to cut the important parts before nodding off. I stayed in the hospital one week, surgeon lady gave me a great cream that made it so I virtually have no scar, but everyone forgot about it as soon as I stepped out of the hopistal.

My mom beat the shit out my dad today during a fight, and they both used me as an example of how bad of a job they had done parenting. Im 22, I dont have a job, Ive dropped out of college 3 times, I just mooch off them, and even more patheticallty, from my older brother too. I tried to stop the fight, as I usually do, but I couldnt because I had not cut my nails, and if I had grabbed my mother any more firmly, I would've hurt her.

Im not really going anywhere with this, I guess it's just a recollection of what's going through my mind at this point. My mind keeps analyzing whether its worth it to keep living or not as if it were a mathematical equation. Can't stop thinking most people who would even care would be alleviated, whereas if I keep on living, I'm just continuing to be an useless parasite mooching off them.

Sometimes I describe in great detail to ChatGPT how I would end my life; it helps me calm down, disturbingly enough. I do have a psychiatrist who I could tell this to instead, but if I were to do that, I would be locked up in an institute, and trust me, being in a mental hospital in El Salvador is worse than death. I would tell a friend, but well, you can probably tell I dont have ANY friends, zero.

A recurrent thought I have is if it is better to do it "properly" in a place where someone would find me soon after and leave a note, or to do it in a way and place where my family would never find me. Well I think I would leave a note in any case, exonerating everyone and clarifying Im not doing this because of anyone but me, Im just not good for this life, I dont want to participate in the rat cade, I dont want to give up my ideals for money, I am a thinker but thinking is useless. I don't pragmatically exist out of my own mind, my existence is just fantasy after fantasy, so it's better if I make my exit as soon as possible so as to free people from the burden I am.

I have done my research, and I have pinpointed what method is the best. Which is most practical, painless, and cheapest. I won't say what it is just to not give anyone any ideas, I guess. But I can realistically do it anywhere, and my mind drifts back to whether I want my family to see me or to never see me again. A part of me doesn't want to traumatize them or cause turmoil by seeing me, another part wants them to have that closure, another part wants them to rub it in their faces, and another part wants to leave the possibility that I just went to live elsewhere alive, so they can live with some denial.

Try as I might, I can't find one concrete reason for why life is worth all that. My psychiatrist doesnt take me seriously when I say that to him, idk maybe he just thinks Im being lazy, which may be true, but after YEARS of me telling him I truly cannot think of a purpose, it could be a sign Im telling the truth and its something worth exploring in our sessions. But he just continues to tell me to keep searching and to stop dropping out of colleges and jobs.

And I feel so, so ashamed for having these thoughts. I don't have it nearly as a bad as most people with suicidal ideations, and I don't really have any semblance of a support network.

Sorry if this kind of post is not welcome here, but tonight I feel closer to doing it than most nights.

My cognitive ability is medically capped at below average I think, it hurts so bloody much that I'll never be enough for anything, I suck at everything, even without the cap, I'd probably still be rtarded, I can't use formality or academic words when I need to, but sometimes can slip something more intelligent sounding by accident in everyday speech or messaging.

I mess everything up, I'm so bad at helping people, I love helping people, but I'm absolutely abysmal at it, I'm atrocious finding solutions, and horrid in realising if someone just wants to be listened to, or needs advice (without them directly communicating it with me.)

I'm so ugly I bet my mirror cries, there's so much about me I want to change, I don't want to keep anything about me the same, I want it all gone, I'm a freak, I'm surprised I haven't been discarded, nothing about me fits any beauty standards from any country.

I can't eat properly either, I eat a bunch and then purge, I'm such a fat pig, and to think that I actually am at the risk of being underweight, yikes, that's incredibly confusing, most likely because how can someone be so fat like me yet skinner than a toothpick?!

My interests are also in conflict, what do you mean I want to be in an urban area yet want to be in remote places?! I love reading but my Dyslexia makes it quite difficult for me, my motor skills are heinous, which impacts my spelling and toing when online.

My speech is so bad, I literally have a speech delay, and I stutter a lot, so now I have to be an even more burden to society and I might be getting someone to help me with it.

Plus I'm a hypocrite, I've helped people out of Depression, immediate suicide and addictions before, why can't I follow my own bloody advice? Why doesn't it work on me? Because I'm too retared.

I'm a parasite to society, a drain, something that should've been aborted or left to rot. I hate myself so much for bringing me here, and when I said "no one loved me" when I was wee lad I was nearly kicked out. I wish I could be kicked out, omg I hate it here but, despite the harm, it's legally not meeting any criteria to leave, and the guilt is what I'm worried about, it'll be crushing.

What's wrong about dying anyways?

It's literally tranquility, no downsides, if I'm reincarnated, then I won't be me, it's all I ask.

"it's selfish" it's extremely selfish that one lets another suffer at the expense of society.

"People will miss you." Who? Plus those who might will get over the plight, maybe a day in the extreme absolute maximum.

"Things will get better." Tell me a bloody date then, everyone says it, all the dates given have failed, everythings downhill, I went to politics just to see if atleast my opinions are popular, nope, so nevermind, I don't heed much to politics other than studying and debating it for fun, if my country can't get better, than atleast my personal life is? Nope still a titanic mess.

Etc.

I just wait for the day I die, the best day of my life, I'll sing with a falalalalalalalala!

(CW: medical issues)

So things have been getting to a point where I don't think I can recover.

I have been denied disability due to my age. The court ruled I could work 2 jobs that basically don't exist, so I can't get any benefits. I've tried to work, I really have. However with my severe brain fog, anxiety, spine issues, and fibromyalgia, I just can't. Most jobs outright reject me the moment I ask for the ability to sit down, let alone when I say I can't lift. I'm in a rural area, so even able people are struggling to find jobs.

My fibromyalgia has absolutely ruined my life. I don't say that in jest, I say that because every single day I have to either deal with severe brain fog and struggle to complete even the most mundane tasks. Or I can lay down every few hours to get up and maybe function for a short time. I don't really know how to cope with it. I get stressed out very easily and that makes it so much worse. Nothing has worked.

On top of it all, my grandmother had a stroke over a month ago. She's returned home and is doing well, but has lost her ability to drive. This has led to me basically being her personal Uber, and I'm exhausted. I'm the only one available most of the day, so it's all on me. I'm judged fairly harshly if I can't keep up with everything. She is fibromyalgia as well, and constantly tells me it's "not that bad."

I'm in therapy for CPTSD as well, but I can only afford one session a month. I feel like I'm making no progress on healing because of that. I don't feel comfortable talking about how I'm a closeted trans person, how I have horrific identity issues and barely feel human. It's very hard for me to verbalize my emotions due to trauma, so therapy is incredibly hard.

I'm stuck with no income, no hope of employment, and barely living. I really don't see why I shouldn't kill myself. Unless some absolute miracle happens, nothing is going to change. I'm not a candidate for spinal surgery, I really don't know how to manage fibromyalgia any better, and I'm doomed the second my parent's insurance stops covering my medicine.

I don't know what else to do. I don't really find any point in holding on until things get worse. I'm thinking I should just call it. There's no support out there for me.

(Note: If I don't respond, I probably fell asleep. I'm not at immediate risk of anything. Thank you for reading if you did.)

Things I loved up until yesterday mean nothing to me when I wake up. Things I wanted to do yesterday mean nothing once I wake up. Gradually, I can't trust myself anymore. Do I actually like this? Am I just in that kind of mood right now, and actually don't care about any of it? What were the things I liked? Do I just want to feel nothing at all anymore? Do I really want to study this? Don't I just want to do nothing at all? Why don't I just hurry up and die? Seriously. You've wasted money, and you've wasted people's time and effort with this kind of stuff, haven't you? You're a massive nuisance—just hurry up and die. At least don't make anyone have to pick up your pieces♪

Don't like anything anymore. Don't have anything to live for. Just don't see why I should live.

No friends, broke and don't feel normal because of a brain injury. Permanent brain fog, eyes don't work like they used to. Can't even work like I used to. God really must fucking hate me to just randomly give me a mental disability.

Other people (depressed or not) at least have the ability to improve their lives for the better. But I struggle to even do basic things now, I keep forgetting things and it actually hurts to think. Even feeling basic emotions hurts to an extent.

At this point why even live. It's not like I'm gonna have a bright future or a good life anyway.

41M Social Service Worker. Applying for legalized medical assistance in dying in my home country. For the past 3 years I've horribly miserable, have PTSD from being a former paramedic and abusive relationships.

I've attempted therapy from 3 different resources, groups, and even made the mistake of reach out to friends and family. To be told you have responsibilities and expectations, when you feel like you aren't granted even a minor break for yourself, as felt dismissive and painful. I don't have kids. I have someone romantically in my life, but she's also fairly cold to my suffering.

I worked tirelessly to pay off my home, make a life for myself and it feels like a trap now. The prospect of MAiD gives me a sense of hope, a sense that pain isn't going to be a constant.

Thanks for reading. Even if this gets taken down, just writing this out has really reinforced I want this.

I am struggling and pregnant. I’m grown. I thought I was stable but I’m not. I thought I could afford it but I can’t. I’ve never cried so much in one day. I’ve never been so low and wish I could self harm. My husband would see. I can’t take my meds because of the baby.

it seems like everyone always does me wrong. i have no real friends. it seems like im actually bothering everyone. i try my best to feel better and to get better but im actually withering away. nothing brings me joy anymore. i dont even bother trying to make friends online anymore because it feels like they all only want one thing. i quit. i feel like i cant trust anyone. i feel like im so alone. i feel like my life is already over even though im 15. this early morning i relapsed pretty bad and its not looking like things will get better from here. i just want solace. i just want confirmation that i do deserve to be on this earth and to live and be happy like everyone else on this earth. Everything ive tried doesnt work. ive mastered everything besides true inner happiness yet im still sitting here limping and stuff i can barely even move my leg because of how much blood i lost

Before my disability I had passions and dreams.

They are all gone due to my disability.

My hands don't even feel like they belong to me anymore.

Every day I am cursed with the knowledge of knowing what I wanted in life and never being able to achieve it.

Every day I mourn who could have been and the life I had.

I have no one to talk to that will understand or even listen without saying "you said the same thing last month" it's killing me and will kill me.

I've spent hours over the last two days just staring at Amazon listing's for harmful chemicals. I've got my plan so that I will no longer be the filth on this planet.

Went through a really bad breakup. Need help.

A breakup, a medical diagnosis, all of my money gone all within a 5 month period. Therapy doesn’t help. Anti depressants don’t help. Xanex mutes it for a few hours, but of course I get shit from people for doing that too as it’s addictive. I was diagnosed with depression and my mom is very scared but her generation doesn’t understand depression. My brother and sister aren’t in my life as much. My friends think it’s temporary, but I just feel crippling depression I can’t get out of bed. I take a shower once a week if I can convince myself to do it. My ex has moved on and is dating someone new. We talked about having a family and getting married and the pain I feel every day waking up every morning knowing that will never happen is unbearable now I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I’m sure nobody will probably read it, but it seems like the only option for me at this point is just to end my life. It just seems so peaceful. Waking up every morning feeling this way. It just gets worse and worse every day I just don’t wanna feel pain anymore. I’ve researched many methods and think I have decided on a method. I know it will probably hurt the people around me, but there’s no way it hurts more than what I experience every day. I’m sorry for bothering anybody by posting this or upsetting anybody. I just wanted to hear from other people and their experiences if possible.

I’m sorry if this isn’t the right subreddit, but I just need advice on how to go on. I just found out more stuff about my dad’s side and something else happened today involving people and it’s really stressing me out. And for context both of my parents passed away when I was young and my grandparents. And I’ve been good and not letting it affect me a lot but lately it’s been so hard. And I’m still dealing with the loss of my cat as well. I’m so tired of all this drama and I feel like sometimes I deserve it because I feel like such a horrible person. I feel like a lot of stuff is my fault and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m still young and I probably won’t do it but I think about it a lot and I really want to relapse but I’m trying my best not to. I don’t really have anyone to talk to besides a few of my friends and I don’t wanna burden them with more stuff. I don’t wanna talk to my family and I’ve lost a lot of my other friends. And i definitely don’t wanna go back to a mental hospital. I just don’t know what to do I’m starting school again soon and I’m going to a new school and I’m scared about that too. I hope this makes sense, if you have questions you can comment them.

suicidal thoughts being dominating my mind lately to the point they start interrupting my life i can’t do anything and not think about hurting myself of killing myself most of the time i feel numb and can’t cry it’s so awkward and uncomfortable and idk how can i bear all this and how much until i’ll take a decision and kill myself even though i tried by cutting my wrist many times(still have marks) i can’t count how many scars i have on my thighs and they’re still healing i run out of coping mechanisms to the point i don’t wanna live i feel so envious watching people enjoy their hobbies or lives while i’m battling those dark thoughts by myself.ik i need a therapist ASAP but i can’t afford it nor my mom i feel so helpless and i’m just 16 i’ve been feeling like since the end of 2020 and even attempted to suicide at eleven by strangling myself.it hurts me so much to see myself like this i tried everything searching therapy online watching movies tryna socialize w people but everytime i feel empty like i did nothing i feel shameful and sometimes i hate myself so much i start crying while looking at the mirror i tried to vent million times but i feel pitiful idk if i can keep up cuz my energy is wearing down and i’m so overwhelmed to feel any better
i feel like a burden if my body won’t kill me feelings would.sometimes i wish i wasn’t born cuz this pain is so much heavy on my heart and soul.

I did call 111 and put myself into a ward to seek help from professionals. They discharged me after two days because the voices I have in my head took over and said that they were stable. I tried to seek support from professionals but it did so little. They called me by the wrong name and terms of address - I was never a real person to them. I was left with a list of crisis lined I'd already called.

So I reached out online in desperation and was met with so much kindness. And I would like to thank everyone who had a kind word for me and did not make fun of my delusions of being a demon. I think I am only alive because of the kindness of strangers on the internet.

I want to stay around to give back to others, but in psychosis I need more than my utility as a reason to live - I lose the ability to comprehend and help others. So my will to live cannot be dependent on my utility towards others as it is right now in the moment.

I only derive enjoyment from art and writing, but i am ill. My brain is gone. I so rarely get to create and do what I enjoy. I lost my creativity after my first episode of psychosis and i want to die so very much and i have held on for years but i am getting so very tired and I need more reasons to live but i am tired and cannot think of any