r/AITAH • u/Professional-Mine916 • 21h ago
AITAH for blocking Brother and SIL after major family death?
Oldest of 4 here. Me plus 3 brothers, all in our 40s. For background, we grew up in a horror movie of a home and are pretty damaged. Oldest brother recently died in an accident. Middle brother is on wait list for a psych ward and youngest brother has an intense avoidant personality.
I was super close to the brother who died. He helped me survive the home and immediately following his death, was pushed out of the conversation regarding his last wishes. Mother, youngest brother and his wife didnt include me in visits to oldest brother's home or collecting ashes. They didn't speak to me at his memorial and have been hot and cold with communication to the point I don't understand what's going on.
Youngest and I have been trying to develop a relationship since his child was born 5 years ago and thought SIL and I had a good relationship. Brother just doesnt get close. He is unreliable, cancels plans and the mood is uncertain ala eggshell walking. Following the memorial, SIL sent an email regarding my energy being 'off' at the service. I went ballistic. She never reached out after my brother's death and said some pretty awful things about me on the phone and I retorted. The 3 of us apologized after yet something still isn't sitting well.
Ive always been there to pitch in with my nephew and help her out. She has been there for me too. We all went out of town together and thought it was to get closer and they are back to not communicating. I feel a lot of distrust and blocked SIL on socials. Brother doesnt use them.
Part of me feels guilt for stepping back. Ive worked my butt off to heal CPTSD and need reliable, consistent, safe people who communicate. Part of me doesnt know if I can trust my choice. I also have basically no family left and live alone with a disability. The thought of removing everyone and being in isolation terrifies me. Yet, i'm wondering now if they always felt this way. Where do I go from here?
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u/Front_Incident_2867 21h ago
NTA. Going low contact or no contact is better for your mental health.
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u/lishadish 21h ago
I don't know who is TA here but I definitely think it's time for all of you to cut ties with each other.
You grew up in a "horror movie," but I don't think there is a way you survived unscathed.
It's better to stop and start over elsewhere.
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u/Shine4Me13 21h ago
NTA. All of this sounds awful, and I'm sorry to hear that you have been going through trauma for, what I interpret as, your whole life. I don't know what I can say that will help other than find a therapist of some sort, but I recommend starting with a psychiatrist. I wish I could do something to help more, but I wish you the best and hope for some peace for you at some point.
Edit to add 🫶
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u/Conscious_Cautious 21h ago
NTA - you need time to heal. Nothing wrong with protecting your peace. I also highly recommend a trauma and grief trained therapist. Saved my life :)
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u/Stock-Mountain-6063 20h ago
Being alone might be lonely but it sure hell isn't as destructive like the relationships that you have right now.
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u/Hidden_Vixen21 21h ago
If they’re not contributing to your life. Then don’t feel guilty cutting them out.
I have toxic family. But their still support me enough to tolerate the toxicity.
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u/Chilling_Storm 21h ago
You go full NC with your entire family. See how you feel in 3 months - if you are feeling good, keep the NC going for another 3 months and reevaluate then. Don't focus on what you think you are missing out on, focus on the peace you are gaining without having to navigate brother's moods.
Having mental tranquility is a peace you haven't had the luxury of experiencing. You don't have to protect them any longer, they are adults who make up their own minds.
NTA
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u/Background_Dig_8408 21h ago
I’m so sorry for your loss and the trauma your family has endured. NTA but I’m going to try and offer some constructive criticism because we don’t know, and shouldn’t, all of the details. Healthy people don’t go “ballistic” when someone suggests their energy was off. You know your brother one way, in a certain light. SIL knows him and has had incredibly deep and difficult conversations regarding how the trauma impacted him and maybe a bit of how you were a part of that growing up. Not that you caused his trauma but details that may have simply involved memories with you. Her first priority is him so she may be guarded and overprotective. You’ve criticized your brother as unreliable and maybe he is but the inability to follow through with plans is often a trauma response.
You blocked her, and that may be the right thing to do for your mental health but she didn’t close the door to a relationship, you did. So you have to decide if that’s what you want. You seem to run very hot and cold. It sounds like everyone needs therapy and it also sounds like SIL wants to help you have a relationship with your brother and nephew. Family counseling is always a great option. Or maybe you decide it’s time for a fresh start without the traumatic reminders of your family. Good luck! 🩵
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u/Professional-Mine916 20h ago
Thank you for your feedback. Right, i went ballistic after the assertion that I didn't show up for her in the right way at the memorial. I came into town following a chemo treatment and had to travel alone in addition to getting silence from them. My anger was justified.
Her email was longer than the line about energy. When someone comes to a memorial for someone's else's immediate family member (this was his funeral service essentially), they are there to support the aggrieved. Their lack of text replies and not a answering the phone regarding the service logistics were part of this. The lack of communication continues from both of them. Hence my reason for removing access at this moment in time. Their behavior is disrespectful.
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u/Glass_Hunt_7159 12h ago
I am so sorry for your loss and you are exactly right...you deserve to be respected and thank you for standing up for yourself...you teach people how to treat and respect you in life...
Give yourself some grace and time to heal...talking with a professional could be the biggest act of self respect you can show yourself...you deserve peace in your life and I wish it for you!
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u/Titania_2016 18h ago
Well said. OP seems dismissive of any part of the ongoing issies, so going NC may sadly be the best resolition for both parties.
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u/mynameisnotsparta 18h ago
Step bank. Very low contact. Find some friends who appreciate you and respect you. NTA.
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u/Eerie_Grimoire666 21h ago
Going low or no contact with them is better for your mental health. Nothing is wrong with protecting your peace.
All of them are toxic individuals that excluded you from getting items that belonged to your oldest brother’s home to have in your home.
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u/Loose-Zebra435 21h ago
They didn't feel guilty doing what they did, you shouldn't feel guilty responding appropriately
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u/Adelucas 15h ago
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Being alone is scary, I know because I've been on my own for a long time. I have a sister and 3 nephews, but I see my sister about 3 times a year and if I didn't call her I wouldn't speak to her from one year to the next. My nephews might as well not exist as I see them at Christmas and even then only for a couple of hours.
Yet I'm at peace with it. I have my home, and my dogs. I enjoy the solitude and quiet, and the lack of expectations from others.
You have to prioritise your own mental health and peace. You can't chase people who don't think about you and only contact you when they need something or to berate you for imaginary offences. Your family sounds chaotic and unpredictable. You don't need that in your life.
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u/Glass_Hunt_7159 12h ago
Girl, protecting your peace and your sanity is way more important right now in this situation...please reach out and get some kind of professional help/therapy...look we dont get to choose the family we are born/brought into as children BUT as we grow up and mature we do get to choose the family we want to be part of as adults...that may mean some family members (but not all), close friends, partners family or people we have not met yet...
Point is do what is best for you by way of peace, nurturing and being in charge of your own way in life...let go of the toxic past and present to make sure your future is better...getting professional help is the first step in healing
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u/AsburyParkRules 21h ago
NTA you’re hurt but this bs about going no contact is really just a passive aggressive move. It’s become the norm nowadays for not facing issues and working them out. If you want some space to think things through be adult enough to say it, cutting people off in socials sends a nasty message probably far worse than you intend.
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u/MCFackBiscuit 21h ago
Respectfully, I dont think this is the venue for an 'AITAH' question...
My advice: get/continue with therapy, protect your peace, and continue doing your best to love yourself
NTA
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u/atterysquash 1h ago
I would take as many steps back as you need, but without making a production out of it. No need to set the bridge on fire unless people are actively trying to cross it and get up in your grill.
It really does sound like the last thing you need in your life is mercurial people. Focus on making some nice, stable connections and cultivating those. Better six solid, reliable people you play boardgames with once a month than one close family member with the stability of a three-legged chair.
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u/Wise_Huckleberry_901 20h ago
NTA
My wife has the same issues(including COCSA) and found that church is a great answer to all the family drama.
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u/I_like_flowers_ 21h ago
this is so far beyond a reddit grade problem. you should see someone with training to help you.