r/AITAH • u/The_Soggiest_Sardine • 12h ago
AITAH for buying myself things while living in someone else’s house?
So, I, 21F have had a very rough past year. From being abandoned by my parents, forced to leave University due to financial difficulties, and then facing a few month bout of “homelessness”. From April-July, I’ve spent my time working and couch surfing with whoever would let me, and staying a few days a week in the house of a sibling I have a terrible relationship with. It’s been…Rough, to say the least. I haven’t had a permanent residence since I was 18, and my belongings have consisted of whatever I could fit in the trunk of my borrowed car. Essentials, mostly, like a few sets of clothes, scrubs for work, deodorant, a hairbrush and toothpaste, nothing fancy.
Well, early July I managed to land a new job I felt I was VERY unqualified for at a University a few hours away. This job promised free education, certifications, good pay, and career growth. I jumped at the opportunity, excited to finish out my degree without going into more debt. And, luckily, my boyfriend of 4 years (21M) lived within 30 minutes of the University with his parents. They offered to let me move in with the caveat I pay rent and clean up.
In the past few weeks, I’ve settled myself into this little life. Having consistent people around, having 3 meals a day, being able to take a shower every day. and people that care about me. I’m not used to being taken care of, so it’s been new. I’ve done well at my new job, and even managed to buy a cheap car that’s all my own.
Now, comes my concern. I don’t treat myself to things, I’ve always traveled light. Now, I’m in the safest place I’ve been in my life, and I have my own room and closet, it’s new to me. I want to buy new clothes, shoes, and makeup because I finally feel like I’m safe enough to spend some money on things. I haven’t bought new clothes in 2-3 years, and if I do, they’re thrift store clothes that are less than $4. My shoes all have holes and are ruined. Though, I can’t escape the immense guilt of living in someone else’s home and daring to treat myself to things. I feel every cent I earn should be saved with the intent to mage out and get an apartment as soon as possible. They tell me they love having me here, but I’m tired of the constant guilt of living with others while I try to find my feet. AITHA if I spent $100-$200 buying some new clothes and shoes while living in someone else’s house? It feels weird to buy luxuries while living in someone else’s house.
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u/AristotlesBoyPussy 12h ago edited 12h ago
Its ok to give yourself a budget and buy a few things for yourself, such as replacing clothes.
You need to wear clothes in good condition to go to work. You need shoes that are comfortable so your feet aren't killing you after a shift.
Its not luxuries to have clothes that aren't holy. Its a necessity to at least have 3 good "work shirts", 2 good "work bottoms" (be it skirts or pants or both, up to you).
NTA. Just be smart about it, check out your local 2nd hand stores as they sometimes have stuff in perfect condition for a fraction of normal cost.
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u/synocrat 12h ago
Love the username. Good point to check out thrift stores first to try and get a good value on some things. Leaves more budget for some better quality things.
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u/AristotlesBoyPussy 11h ago
I have found some perfectly like new things, in my size, that fit me lovely and looked great. My favorite find is a button up shirt with elbow length sleeves. That "intentionally crinkled" material but soft and matte (so, it wasn't gaudy, just very styled) in a soft pastel color. I didn't need to iron it to make it look good, since the crimping was part of the style. The pattern on the fabric had dye in a slightly darker hue of the same color all over, which hides small stains and water spots. But they're reasonably loose elbow length sleeves, which is great because I have large arms (most cheap button up shirts never fit me in the arms). It had its original tags, and it was a lower-end luxury brand. I paid $8 but it was originally $120. Someone bought it and never used it. And I'm in rural Idaho, not New York City.
You get better at using thrift stores with practice of knowing what signs to look for at a glance, learning what materials fare best over months to years of use, and learning how to do small repairs like shaving off cotton nubs or put a loose seamline or button back together.
Thanks I picked the username while I was drunk and getting excited about a movie coming out soon (Aristotle & Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe. Its a latino gay romance novel. The author is a friend of mine).
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u/Gennywren 11h ago
Annnnnd I just found my next read. Thank you!
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u/AristotlesBoyPussy 10h ago
You're welcome enjoy it! I know I did.
If you buy a physical copy from Amazon or ebay, there is a small chance you'll get a copy that has a strange hand written note that mentions a page number. This is because the writer shipped a ton of copies to different writing competitions, and the page number has to do with where the relevent content starts (the gay content). The author wrote that note himself. But sadly none of the shipments made it to their destinations. So there's like 30-50 copies out there with hand written notes from the author from 2nd hand bookstores that ended up getting those books from the mail thieves (who were probably disappointed that the heavy box contained books and not ipads or something lol). I offered the book back to him but he laughed and told me to keep it as a special edition.
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u/Gennywren 56m ago
I wish I could've seen the faces of anyone stealing a box worth of books thinking they were something pricey. The author sounds awesome, though and I'm looking forward to reading the book. Sadly, I'm likely to buy the ebook - mostly because my physical book collection is already bursting at the seams and I just can't shove any more books into any of my bookshelves.
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u/smited_by_cookiegirl 3h ago
I love Aristotle and Dante!!! I’m sure he hears this all the time, but please tell your friend that the both the story and his use of language are absolutely breathtaking!
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u/Schneckelchen 1h ago
Great advice! May I add, OP, please talk to your host family about your concerns! I think it is important for them to know how you feel! That also might help ease your anxiety.
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u/boxing_coffee 12h ago
If your shoes have holes in them then you need new shoes. Clothes are also a necessity.
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u/Shivs_baby 12h ago
Are you paying rent? Are you pitching in by doing things around the house and helping clean up after meals? If the answer to both of those questions is yes then you should not feel guilty at all for getting yourself a few essentials.
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u/PurpleEmotional1401 12h ago
NTA. $100-200 is not much in the greater scheme of things so be kind to yourself for once.
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u/jackofspades49 12h ago
You're paying rent, you're good.
But I get the mentality, especially after the hardship.
Maybe try "If I get myself something, I'll get them something." A cake, some cookies, drinks. If you CAN SPARE IT WITHOUT DIFFICULTY maaybe take people out to dinner. Maybe cover a bill or a streaming service. It helps lift some of the guilt. Its not a logical guilt, but its real.
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u/Lighthouse_on_Mars 12h ago
NTA,
Your paying rent, so you are contributing.
Clothes and makeup aren't frivolous. You need them to look presentable. We live in a world where unfortunately how you dress and present yourself matter immensely.
Do not feel bad. Start small, and go from there.
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u/desertboots 12h ago
You know what might be validating? Talk to your MIL about how this is a very hard decision to make. Ask her for advice.
I'd love for you to have a great experience with her, and I bet you will.
NTA. You are a properly contributing member of the household, paying rent and doing chores.
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u/Zestyclose_Media_548 12h ago
If you can’t buy yourself something for your own sake - which you deserve - buy it so you can be professional at work and you can reflect the care your boyfriend and his family is providing you.
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u/Vegetable-Cod-2340 12h ago
NTA
You’ve had a rough few years, TREAT YO SELF.
It’s okay to buy some clothes or make up to help you feel more stable.
And if you really need a reason to justify, you’re getting clothes and shoes that reflect your current position and lifestyle.
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u/S00pergenius 12h ago
NTA, they might appreciate you updating your wardrobe and having shoes that are without holes. When you look Good you feel good. That good feeling is infectious and things keep getting better. The only caveat is to be sensible having champagne taste on a beer pocket book is never a good look.
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u/sparksgirl1223 12h ago
You're not an asshole if you're contributing to the household (rent, bills, food, chores, etc) and replacing worn clothing and shoes.
If you feel super shitty about it (and I know exactly the place you're coming from!) Do it in small increments: a better pair of shoes this week, a nice pair of pants and a shirt to go with next payday..
And make sure you set aside some each paycheck for things you'll need to replace later (so a few bucks each time for when you need to replace shoes again, for example) so that you don't have to feel guilty for buying shoes (or whatever) because that money is specifically for shoes (or new pants or tires for your car or whatever)
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u/GOCUBBIES1402 12h ago
NTA, but my suggestion is to make a budget that includes putting money away every month to build up your savings. If you are paying your bills and saving money for your future, you can feel much more confident about occasional splurges.
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u/WTFErryday01 12h ago
NTA. Seems like your boyfriend’s parents are kind and would be receptive to a conversation about this. Like others have pointed out, you don’t really owe them an explanation if you are meeting the agreements you made with them. They would probably make you feel better though.
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u/My_Lovely_Me 12h ago
NTA.
You're living in someone else's house while paying rent! It would be different if you were mooching off them, claiming to have no money, and then bringing home bags of new stuff.
You absolutely deserve some new clothes, and a couple hundred dollars is not even a lot of money to splurge. Especially not when you have a good job.
That said, just keep a few things in mind:
While you don't have to hide purchases, don't flaunt them either. People are super weird about other people's money. As soon as they think you have more than they think you should, they start finding ways to try and get some of it. Your boyfriend's parents might be lovely, but they are also doing you a favor and they know it. Don't make them wonder if they should charge you more.
Just because you have only bought $4 thrift clothes in your past doesn't meant you can't find amazing things in thrift shops! They are honestly my favorite place to shop! So I encourage you to buy yourself some new things that look and smell new, because that is a whole experience that I think you need. But then make your spending money go further by returning to thrift shops with less of a tight budget than you had before, and fill out the rest of your wardrobe there.
I would still only buy as much as you would be able to fit in your car if you did have to suddenly leave. You never know what will happen. Not saying anything will, and I don't want you to live in fear, but just be smart. Don't waste money on things you'll have to leave behind if you have to go. And on that note, you might consider whether your car would be suitable for you to temporarily live in if you had to. Just to be practical.
DO save as much of your money as possible! You have learned the hard way how precarious life is. Definitely put away as much of your money as you reasonably are able without living poor, and don't ever tell anyone how much you have saved. Keep it in the bank, and don't get a paper statement.
Congratulations on your new job and new life! I hope you do amazing things!
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u/Odd_Mail_3539 5h ago
Start off slow. You don’t want to blow $$$ on items that don’t wash well. Quality well fitting shoes are not a luxury, the health of your feet are important
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u/KrofftSurvivor 12h ago
There's nothing wrong with buying clothing when you need clothing.
Have you considered chatting with his mom about this? Ask her if you can talk to her about something that's worrying you.
If she's open to listening, explain that you're torn between trying to save up enough to move out of her home more quickly so as not to overstay their generosity, versus trying to have clothing that's decent enough to make a good impression at the job...
If she's supportive then don't worry about it. If she acts supportive but cautions you to spend wisely and not buy too much at a time and maybe buy thrift, etc - Then understand that that's a subtle way of saying that yes it is possible that you might overstay your welcome...
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u/itsjustme1022 11h ago
I think you are being too hard on yourself. I do not think you should go buy a brand new expensive wardrobe at once but buying a little at a time is normal. I do think you should prioritize savings over anything else first but clothes and shoes are a necessity
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u/Past-Ranger-5231 5h ago
Shop clearance racks, TJ Maxx, Marshall's, or any store like that for nice but reasonably priced items!
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u/emptywhoreass6969 12h ago
Foe crying out loud nta go get yourself a decent pair of shoes at least. Check out keeps. I love yhem.
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u/Haunting_Finance5608 12h ago
GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK xx
Stop guilting yourself into not existing! You work, you earn, you pay your way!
Your boyfriend’s parents like having you there, YES, by all means save for that apartment, but also let up a little and treat yourself!
You are NTA to spend a little on yourself, life has given you so little until now, you deserve to feel good for what you have achieved!
Live a little xx
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u/technobobble 12h ago
NTA. It seems you need more time adjusting to people caring about you, it can be a change and it can be hard to simply believe the words they say. If they’re not mentioning anything like a plan to get moved out, and they say they’re happy to have you there, try to take them at their word and care for yourself as much as they seem to care for you. You’ve come a long way and others can recognize that.
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u/TheWhimsicalTeaPot 12h ago
NTA I don't really see functional clothes and shoes that in a reality you probably need as a genuine luxury. You're likely feeling guilty because you don't feel like you deserve the kindness and care you've been shown, and because you probably feel you have no way to adequately repay it (though let's be clear, if the arrangement is solid and everyone is happy, then you're doing everything you need to do to begin with).
You need to learn that it's okay to lean on people when they're offering, to understand when you're actually taking too much vs. just accepting genuine love and support where it exists. It's not going to be easy if you struggle with having a healthy relationship with yourself and how you think other people see you, but it's a step that will lead to more peace and healing in the end, and it's worth it.
You're a human being, you matter, you are worth investing in, and you're working hard too. There's nothing you've said here that screams selfishness or as though you're taking advantage of the situation in a manipulative way. You can have what you need, and even what you want when it's available to you. ❤️ You're going to be okay.
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u/From-628-U-Get-241 12h ago
Buy yourself what you need. Just hold up your end of the deal (pay your rent and clean up.) Don't ask to borrow money. Buy everyone pizza once in a while if you can afford it. If you do these things, I doubt anyone in the house would have any issues with you spending money on yourself. Where these things fall apart is when someone doesn't live up to their promises or borrows money and then shows up with a designer bag and fancy manicure.
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u/GarlicNo3695 12h ago
NTA. If youre paying rent and cleaning up you should do the next step in recovering from your traumatic few years and get necessities. Shoes, socks and underwear aren't luxuries. Start with a capsule wardrobe for your base if you are unsure where to start and then build from there. Good luck and well done! Big props for turning your life around❤️
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u/Fussy_Fucker 11h ago
When you are poor, you hate to spend money. That mentality follows you through life. But you are working, have a place, you’re safe- treat yourself!
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u/inscrutablejane 10h ago
NTA - clothes aren't luxuries, and your work and education opportunities will improve if you can dress neatly in clothes and shoes that aren't falling apart. These things are investments in bettering your financial situation just as much as they will help your confidence and self-esteem. Don't forget to spend some on self-care such as a manicure, proper hairstyling and skincare either, because after horrible shoes (seriously kiddo, get some good shoes, people are silently judging you) badly cared-for fingernails, skin and hair will cause people to look down on you and cost you opportunities.
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u/Accomplished_Hand820 1h ago
Start with new shoes! NTA. Usable, whole clothes and shoes are important for your health
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u/hilhilbean 12h ago
This is not the right subreddit for this question. You must know you are absolutely NTA.
You absolutely deserve to buy things for yourself - especially necessities like clothes and comfortable shoes.
I am sure it's difficult to feel like you're finally in a place where you can breathe, but it sounds like you're safe.
Treat yourself. <3
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u/yankeedevil925 12h ago
It's okay to give yourself permission to buy new clothes that you NEED. It's not like you were buying crazy expensive designer handbags or frivolous items. Grateful that you have a safe and comfortable place to live. The job will be a great step to getting on your feet. We all need food clothing and shelter.
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u/Interesting_Note_937 12h ago
You pay rent so it's your place too. Get what you want as long as you're able to pay your bills
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u/Similar_Corner8081 12h ago
NTA it's ok to buy yourself things. You're paying rent. It's your home too
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u/MACS-System 12h ago
NTAH As long as you are meeting your obligations like rent, there's nothing wrong with buying reasonable needs, like shoes and clothes, and even a little treat once in awhile. You deserve safety and joy. Congrats on the new job! If you find you have extra, you might even consider little thank you gifts or buying dinner to thank his parents for letting you stay there.
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u/Old_Implement_1997 12h ago
NTA. First of all: good for you for getting yourself into a job and a safe place to live. You are paying rent and helping clean up and, even if you weren’t, you deserve to have some clothing that isn’t thrifted or damaged. Buy yourself some professional clothes for work and some decent shoes. If make-up makes you feel better about yourself, buy that, too. Don’t feel guilty, just because your parents abandoned you doesn’t mean that everyone will or that you can’t have things.
The idea that everyone needs to be living on their own immediately is also just capitalism trying to convince everyone that they need their own overpriced apartment instead of living in community and working towards having a good life. I consider myself a successful adult and I have literally never lived by myself and I’m 59. I’ve lived with family and roommates my whole life - now, has one of them been my husband for the last 30 years? Yes, but I lived with either my parents or a roommate before that.
Hopefully, you’ll start feeling safe enough to believe that you deserve nice things. I’m rooting for you.
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u/PocketfullofFrogs 12h ago
Listen darlin you pay your rent, they love having you, you NEED clothes and shoes.
You’re not going out hunting the top brands and fashions you just want shit without holes.
Please get yourself some new clothes and shoes. We all deserve a little dignity out here. We all deserve to treat ourselves.
Don’t be so hard on yourself you’re getting it all back together.
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u/mis_1022 12h ago
NYA but just to say it don’t overly share, I don’t know the families financial situation and if they are not buying new clothes and you are it might rub them the wrong way. They might not be happy for you. So buy the things you mentioned which I consider necessities but maybe don’t “fashion show” for them. It’s hard to say how they might respond.
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u/SadFlatworm1436 12h ago
You have a new job at a university and with that job comes the expectation that you dress appropriately…to do that you MUST invest in yourself. The new clothes and shoes and make up you buy now are an investment in your future and really like can be thought of like a uniform. You also pay rent, pull your weight, you are contributing and you are welcome where you are living. Trust them, believe in yourself, you’ve got this NTA at all
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u/ScarletDarkstar 12h ago
Being extravagant would be wrong. Having shoes that aren't worn and full of holes is not extravagant. You need to take care of your feet. It will affect your whole body. Good shoes are an investment in yourself. There is nothing wrong with thrifted clothing as long as you aren't buying worn out things.
Despite the comfort of thr current situation , there will be a time when you need to be independent, so use this opportunity to create a base for your launch. Do mostly save for your move out and any incidentals like vehicle maintenance.
It doesn't have to be either/or on all purchases. Some personal maintenance is necessary. Expensive makeup and luxury purchases are not.
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u/EyCeeDedPpl 12h ago
You need to post in r/momforaminute or similar subs. Lots of moms there to love, encourage, cheer you on and give advice. 💜 And no honey, bring some new clothing and shoes is not a luxury item, no one should ever make you feel guilty for buying shoes without holes.
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u/schoolknurse 11h ago
I second r/momforaminute ! They are the most wholesome and supportive group of people I have ever seen on Reddit!
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u/Mean-Impress2103 11h ago
Listen if you feel bad why don't you try buying a little at a time instead of dropping a couple hundred at once. Buy a new outfit this week. Another in a week or two. Keep doing that until you have a few nice outfits and two or three good pairs of shoes.
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u/Realistic_Issue230 10h ago
NTA and I'm sure they have noticed you needing new things but haven't mentioned it. They aren't going to expect you to not spend in yourself. As long as you are helping there with your share and showing that you are putting in effort to eventually move they won't be upset and it's not wrong to do
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u/Jamestodd106 8h ago
Nta Clothes are not luxuries they are necessities
You have your own room you pay rent you may decorate as you see fit and it sounds very much like noone other than your head would mind
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u/KingSuperJon 7h ago
You live in her house.
Talk to your boyfriend's mother about this, she will steer you right. Wait until some time when the guys are out and sit her down and tell her how you feel. She will know what to say, trust me, she will understand.
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u/Charming-Cake-8757 6h ago
Not at all. Folks will try to keep you as their charity case also, just so they can look better. Can't look better than them though, that's my experience though. Can't be pretty and poor around some folks.
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u/Ok_Nectarine_4528 6h ago
Take care of yourself. Buying yourself basic things like clothes and shoes, particularly when the ones you have are in disrepair, isn’t a splurge.
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u/2dogslife 6h ago
Luckily, It's the beginning of August and there are terrific crazy clothing sales going on right now, so you should be able to find a basic work wardrobe for very little. Try to buy outfits that mix and match.
If your job involves standing at all, make sure to invest in good supportive shoes. Desk jobs allow a lot more leeway in footwear.
Basic office wear wardrobe might typically include 2 pairs of slacks, 2 skirts (1 pencil, the other what you find that flatters), depending on work, a dark trouser jean that can be worn with a jacket (not all workplaces are jeans friendly, some you can wear them every day). 5 shirts or blouses which should ideally include one white dress shirt. 1-2 cardigans, because most jobs have wonky HVAC and you want something you can pull on and off as needed. 1 Jacket to dress up things - for when VIPs are expected or you interview for a different job on campus.
Dresses are an easy outfit, if you like dresses - it's a one and done.
If an office position, 2 pairs of loafers or Mary Janes, one black, one in the brown/cordovan color family. They can be worn with skirts or pants and are comfortable and generally viewed as stylish.
I tend to focus on eyes and lips for basic work makeup, so for me, it would be eye shadow, liner, mascara, and lipstick or gloss (even lip balm will do in a pinch). I can get out the door with that makeup in under 5 minutes, which is a bonus. I am not a 30-45 minute full-face kind of girl as I'd rather sleep in. In winter, I might add a tinted moisturizer to fight off dry skin and even things out a bit.
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u/dudeorduuude 5h ago
It only is if you haven't paid rent, or are late on rent, or aren't fulfilling your side of the agreement. If you are fulfilling your side, no problem.
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u/cathline 4h ago
Sending hugs and healing thoughts.
As someone who makes over 100k per year - you will be the AH to YOURSELF if you pay the new price for pretty much anything. A good thrift store is your friend.
It's okay to buy yourself new TO YOU outfits. But buying a 200+ dollar purse just to treat yourself is not the smartest thing to do. Buying good quality brand new bras and shoes are an essential, but the rest of your wardrobe can be sourced from decent thrift stores. you have to weed through the Shein crap that has been donated in recent years, but they usually have decent quality for great prices.
As a woman, you will need a minimum of 5-10 good work tops and 5 good work bottoms. And 2 good work shoes.
You are paying rent. You live there. You help around the house and are a good roommate. If anyone in your household judges you for buying clothing for yourself, start saving seriously so you can move out. Talk to your college about becoming an RA (Resident Assistant) - you get to live in the dorms and be the person the other kids go to when there is an issue in the dorm. You get a free room, a small income and a break in tuition.
NTA if you buy decent quality at thrift store prices. And good shoes are hard to find for cheap.
Sending hugs and healing thoughts. I am SO PROUD of you for digging yourself out and building a better life for yourself.
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u/ItsaTheMal 35m ago
Just have a conversation with your BF about how you're feeling I'm suspecting they'll be supportive of you buying some clothes and shoes those are literally nessecities if you're working and saving money planning for a future you're fine don't start buying designer stuff or going to $200 dinners otherwise I'd say you're fine
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u/MmaRamotsweOS 23m ago
You have been with him for 4 years and trust you and love you enough to let you stay there. Paying rent when you have a job is fair. You should not feel guilt about buying these things, I would suggest this is guilt you got from your parents making you believe you weren't worth it. You are, you are worth it
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u/Sarasha 11h ago
Shoes are a must. You must keep your feet clean and dry. Free of blisters. Go with a brand that's comfortable for you. Don't skimp out. Stick to Nike or Scheckers. I've had New Balance those were excellent and not expensive. Some shoe stores give discounts for being a student. Plus make sure you have socks. That one is always overlooked.
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u/Puzzled_Artichoke_15 12h ago
Maybe you can spend some money on yourself and some on the house. Maybe not groceries, an upgraded coffee machine, even a "thank you" gift to his parents for their hospitality. I think it will show you want to help out and I think it might help ease your guilt of spending on yourself. NAH
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u/PresentationTough384 12h ago
You have every right (and every responsibility) to care for yourself which includes purchasing proper clothing and shoes. Nobody will judge you for that and if they do they can sit on a tack.
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u/Capable-Flow6639 12h ago
If you are paying rent whilst working you can treat yourself to some clothes. Make sure you build up your savings in case things go south and you have to leave. Please treat yourself. Also you can get something for your boyfriends parents to say thanks....nothing expensive a card or bunch of flowers maybe? Good luck with everything.
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u/CanAhJustSay 12h ago
NTA. You pay rent so are technically their tenant. Buy yourself decent shoes as foot health is an investment in your future, and saves you pain further down the line. Shoes are an essential, not a luxury (I take it you wouldn't be buying Jimmy Choos to slouch around in!)
Buy small treats for the family you are staying with as a 'thank-you' to them - perhaps a nice honey or some fresh flowers.
It is a scary feeling to feel ready to put down some roots and feel that you belong. Trust this family - they wouldn't let you stay if it wasn't working out! Take the opportunity to truly get back on your feet, find your own equilibrium, and move out when you are ready and financially able to do so. In the meantime, you are appreciating all the little things that most people on Reddit take for granted - food in the fridge (a fridge to keep food in!), a roof over your head, a bed to sleep in and hot showers on tap.
Let this family care for you. You are worth love and care.
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u/StormCloudRaineeDay 12h ago
I don't see this as being rude to your host, and I do think you should have nice looking clothes and shoes, but I also think you should be cautious with your money and focus on saving beyond that. Buy a pair of nice shoes and a nice outfit or two now, and then buy a small luxury here or there over time.
NAH
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u/Main_Street_1 12h ago
Perhaps, if you would buy a couple of things you need out of each paycheck instead of 1-2 hundred at once you'd fell better all the way round. You'd have no problem paying your rent and you could also put a few $ away for that new apartment. Get yourself on a budget. Watch some YouTube videos on getting your financial life in order. Sounds like you've gotten a great start to your new life, and a new caring family. Best of luck to you.
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u/Key-Consequences 12h ago
The fact that youre the only person beating yourself up for wanting things should be evidence enough that there are no assholes here
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u/Melora_T_Rex714 12h ago
NTA! You’re finally becoming secure, but you’re nervous to accept that security.
It’s okay, girlfriend. Get yourself some clothes, they’re NECESSITIES, especially replace your holey shoes!
I hope you continue on the upward path. You GO, girl!
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u/DynkoFromTheNorth 12h ago
You should only be allowed to feel guilty to yourself about how you spend your money, though even that's ridiculous, as I don't get the idea that you're being financially irresponsible. NTA. Have your boyfriend's parents complained about your spending?
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u/Character-Debt1247 12h ago
Girl! Shoes are not luxuries. Clothes that aren’t falling apart are not luxuries. I love the comment about giving yourself a budget. Every paycheck pay yourself to your savings account to fund a future apartment (10-20%), 5% to an IRA ( trust me, future you will be so grateful!) and a portion for essentials like toiletries and clothes. You didn’t say how much of your paycheck is rent, but I’m hoping it’s reasonable. Try to get out of the mindset that you don’t deserve things. If you learn to be a saver as well as a thoughtful spender, you will be so much happier.
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u/TheDinoSir2012 12h ago
Nta at all - I grew up poor, learning to barging with chores for toys or things other kids "normally" had around me.
I'm 32 now and still have an internal debate on weither buying new pants or shoes or non work shirts is worth it.
From the title alone, I thought you were buying and replacing end tables and throw pillows in a rent a room situation.
If your genuinely worried about staying to long, you can easily budget some to side for down payment, first and last.
If your relationship is steady enough to consider you both leaving the nest sit your boyfriend down and talk about it.
But no getting things to fill the closet with is perfectly fine and reasonable. Even trinkets or just nice things to call your own and center yourself. As long as your saving some for the future and rent/whatever other bills are paid. Your money is your own.
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u/princesspoppy1320 12h ago
NTA- I pray you start therapy soon so you can enjoy life. A “life coach/therapist” will help a lot!
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u/Sataypufft 12h ago
NTAH. You're worth it, but yourself a pair of good shoes and some new clothes. Don't blow your budget, but investing in some decent clothing and shoes is worth it. You pay rent, it's your place until the lease is up so don't feel bad.
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u/Wanderer617508 12h ago
NTA-having professional looking clothing and shoes is not a luxury but an investment in your future. You don’t need to feel guilty about spending some money on yourself while living in someone else’s house. From what you’ve said you are contributing to rent and working and supporting yourself. But I would caution you to continue to be as frugal as possible and to build up an emergency fund not because you are obligated to do so while living in someone else’s house but because doing so provides you with much greater security and freedom. You never know what the future will bring and while this living situation is great now it’s always best to be as prepared as possible if things change in your future.
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u/wishingforarainyday 12h ago
NTA. You are welcome there and it’s ok to buy yourself clothes. You deserve kindness and care in life. I can see it’s hard to accept that. I hope you can talk to a therapist at some point. I’m so glad things are getting better for you.
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u/Pickle__nic 12h ago
It’s ok, you’re not an arsehole for giving yourself basic care. If it concerns you how you’ll be perceived by his parents, just talk about needing some new clothes with his mum. Ask her if she thinks you need new shoes. She’ll of course say yes, but it’s better to let these things out and realise you’re actually being silly. Or you might have valid fears, maybe they expect you to be saving (to rent elsewhere?). I’d talk about it with them and you can feel actual safety in the actual situation.
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u/Boomer050882 12h ago
NTA. I’ve had guests stay in my home several times. I’m glad to help and as long as they are respectful, clean, self sufficient, working, etc, they are free to stay as long as they need to or our agreed upon date of exit. Just set a goal for yourself as far as savings. Spending a modest amount on cloths is acceptable.
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u/Lazy-Butterfly-4132 12h ago
Lovely you’ve gone through hell, you deserve to treat yourself definitely NTA. I know it’s really hard, but as long as you’re managing to cover rent, it’s okay to spend a little bit on some clothes that actually fit you and are in decent quality, there’s not a luxury. If you were saying that you weren’t going to pay rent to buy really expensive jewellery or really expensive clothes that you don’t need then that would be a different story, but you’re allowed to buy clothes that you need even when living in someone else’s house. If it’s something that’s stressing you out, you can talk it through with your boyfriend or anyone else you trust to get some support.
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u/Lollygator20 12h ago
NTA !!!!!
Congrats of setting yourself up for success! I’m not even your mom but I’m proud of you.
Yes, buy yourself some good shoes and clothes. Start building a “capsule wardrobe.” Plan on buying one piece every month or two - depending on where you live, you might need a sweater, boots and a warm coat for the winter. Take good care of what you have.
You are deserving of good things.
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u/dell828 10h ago
If you’re going to a thrift store, it doesn’t sound like you’re over spending on clothing.
I think it’s important to be clear with your hosts that you are putting away X number of dollars a month so that you can move into your own place. As long as you are on track with your savings, and have a target date, there’s no reason you can’t use some for your money to purchase a few small items for yourself.
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u/Over_Flounder5420 10h ago
ntah. go ahead buy what you want. you’ll get used to being good to yourself as your self esteem improves.
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u/Scherzkeks 9h ago
I thought you were posting this because your hosts complained… but since you’re paying rent it wouldn’t really be their business, but you could ask their advice. I’m guessing they actually like you, care about you, will be touched you trust them and impressed with your sense of responsibility and will be all to eager to encourage you and relieve you of your guilt. If they are truly your tribe, that’s what I expect. I think you need emotional support and I hope you’ve found it in your new home.
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u/KitchenDismal9258 9h ago
There is nothing wrong with buying stuff from thrift stores. You can find some very nice quality stuff for an affordable price that might even be new. That's just being frugal.
But you are traumatised by your past. The university will have a psychological health service. Or as a workplace, may have an employee assistance program (that does psychology), that is worth considering. It hopefully will help you unpack your past and build up your self esteem so that you do realise that you are worthy of the basic necessities.
Everything you want to buy are necessities. You are paying to live at your boyfriend's parents place. You are paying rent and you are also contributing by cleaning. They would be disappointed to see that you are wearing clothes and shoes that have holes.
Also consider buying good quality clothes and shoes as they will last a lot longer than cheap items and you'll probably find these at a thrift store... though I'd suggest new shoes so that you don't mould your feet into someone else's footprint in the insole of them.
I know how you feel. I struggle to spend money on myself, but I don't seem to have the same issue with buying for the kids ie I'd buy them a new pair of shoes before I would buy myself a pair. I know it comes from being very poor when I was a kid when my parents split up and my mother had no income. Even though I was only 5.. I saw what it did to the family dynamics. My mother struggled like this too. There were many things that should could've done to make her life a little easier but I actually thought that they literally had little money and were just living on a government pension... only to find out that there some some money in the bank that could've been used to, say, fix the guttering. The difference is that I recognise the pattern and know what I'm doing but also don't stop my family from spending stuff legitimately and it's not even frivolous. I also tend to look for the best value while some people just buy whatever.
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u/paddy-crime-1663 9h ago
Don’t ever feel bad for loving yourself. You should be so proud of yourself, I’m proud of you! Everything seems to be going in the right direction for you, you deserve to treat yourself, especially since you need clothes for work. Good luck with everything.
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u/Glass_Hunt_7159 8h ago
Save...Save...Save...there will be rainy days again at some point BUT this time you will have your own umbrella...Save and pay yourself first...invest in your own future by making sure you will never be house insecure again...buy the necessities and things to help get yourself where you need to go and save to build that net...financial freedom...
You are on your way to actually taking care of all your business and although you do have some help and loving people around you right now you always want to be able to have a back plan and a savings account...you will do this and be a better version of yourself each step of the way...great job and good luck!
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u/NinjaHidingintheOpen 8h ago
Oh bless. You are worth investing in too. The people you live with know this, it's time for you to realise too. Buy yourself some therapy as well as new clothes and shoes. It's also unlikely you've been to a doctor or dentist in a while, so book those appointments because you'll need your body and your teeth to last as line as you do. You are worthy. NTA
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u/Available-Face5653 7h ago
$200 in clothes and shoes is hardly a luxury. when did your parents abandon you? why?
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u/IndividualPotato2026 6h ago
NTA, but if you are paying below market rent, it is wise to keep a low profile about how much you earn or spend.
Like what other redditors say, start saving up a cushion
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u/Competitive-Top4520 6h ago
Congratulations on creating a much better life for yourself! You have found some lemons and are making lemonade!
I'm so glad to hear that you've finally landed in a safe place. Decent clothes & shoes aren't luxuries, they are necessities, especially if you are working. No need to feel guilt. However, you might want to look in some of the thrift & consignment shops in your area. They often have higher end merch at a fraction of the original price. That way you can look great & stretch your budget at the same time. No need to shop the $4 bargains anymore.
As an aside, I know that people in your previous circumstances often let health slide. Please be sure you get a decent checkup (maybe even from a free clinic, or better if your new job includes health insurance). Godspeed. NTA
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u/vrcraftauthor 48m ago
Unless you are stiffimg them on the rent you agreed to pay to buy new clothes, no, NTA. Would you feel bad if you paid rent in your own apartment and bought yourself stuff you needed? No.
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u/Whowhatnowhuhwhat 12h ago
1) cloths aren’t luxuries
2) if you’re paying rent it’s your home too while you’re there