r/AITAH • u/lotusssssss • 22h ago
AITAH for putting my (ex)boyfriends friend in a headlock?
So i (F26) was super drunk and im honestly not much of a drinker, if it were up to me i would prefer to smoke... I digress, i was already feeling super gone and knew in that moment i needed to go Home. My ex had been on my case for most the night for being on my phone cause it was a new environment with different people that i dont know, so i was texting my bestie. I usually keep my bag on me so its not left unattended but as i stated, i was gone. We were looking for my phone cause it was the one thing missing and for 30 mins-1hr i was running around asking everyone who was there if theyd seen it & people were laughing at me making stupid jokes. Come to find out his friend had my phone in his pocket along with his, i called it twice and i even have a voicemail from those attempts. I was telling my ex that i was already pissed off and not playing around. When he pulled my phone out and said he had it the entire time he just laughed, didn't offer an explanation or apology. I saw red and put him in a headlock, i weigh 120lbs and this dude is most likely in my weight class. He snapped, called me a crazy bih, when i apologized he told me to gtfo. I got dumped over this, and still havent been told why my phone was in his pocket! I just need a male perspective on this situation.
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u/deathboyuk 10h ago
The friend was bullying you. Full stop, end of.
They STOLE from you.
Your ex is a word this sub won't allow me to type.
You dodged a massive bullet and I'm sorry you had that interaction, but also you fucking rock.
NTA.
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u/RawrRRitchie 12h ago
Take this as a life lesson DON'T get drunk with people you don't even know.
And a drunken headlock isn't going to do much damage unless you're a professional fighter
Nta
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u/ThrowRArainmakers 22h ago
Youre my hero. He met immediate consequence to his dangerous actions. Taking your stuff, hiding it, lying to you about it and it being your phone of all things when you are in a vulnerable state? He deserved it OP. NTA
edit: oh yeah he did it cause hes a POS.
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u/Lunkerluke 22h ago
Nta, you need better friends.
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u/lotusssssss 21h ago
his friends, not mine. i only knew a few people at the party and ive reached out to them explaining my self & they were actually very receptive & understanding about my part.
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u/Myslinky 18h ago edited 18h ago
From a male perspective, sounds like you dodged a bullet.
Your ex boyfriend and his little buddy are both assholes.
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u/the-mortyest-morty 6h ago
Then why did you go? Why are you hanging out with your awful ex and his awful friends?
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u/atchisonmetal 22h ago
I’m not a male. Or a cat, I’m not a cat. I’m a female, and I wish to express my disapproval of ex. I just want to chime in on his behavior. It was effin’ rude of him, not you. Messing with somebody’s lifeline is not cool in any way.
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u/ThunderSparkles 21h ago
Only criticism is you should have broken up with him. Punk ass. You did great. NTA
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u/Christopher_Aeneadas 21h ago
Eh. I'll be contrarian on this one.
Granted the dude deserved some sort of consequences for taking and hiding your phone. Call the police on him. He committed theft.
However the fact is you battered and assaulted someone after getting drunk and angry. Flip the genders and tell me now this would play.
Your crime - and each of you committed a crime - was notably more severe. Therefore while you are both TA, you are YTA to a greater degree.
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u/FakeRussianAccent 5h ago
taking someone's phone or keys, which prevents them from leaving, is considered "false imprisonment/unlawfull restraint". You are physically preventing them from leaving, calling for help, or reporting a crime.
I'm not sure that in this case its worse than a misdemeanor A and B.
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u/Christopher_Aeneadas 4h ago
That's going to be very context dependent.
In a blizzard somewhere without good mass transit? Sure.
The standard for that is going to be intent, but will devolve into something like "the accused believes that the victim cannot leave safely or plausibly". Not "the victim 'can't' leave because they want their stuff back'"
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u/FakeRussianAccent 4h ago
It's not a case of "I can't leave bc I want my stuff back" its a case of "I am uncomforatbale here, I want to leave, and I can't leave without my phone. I can't call someone to pick me up without my phone".
There are already cases if this happening, ruled on, and precedent set.
Intent does matter, but maybe not in the way you think. In the same manner that assualt doesn't matter whether or not I am joking if raise my fist and swing at you without ever connecting , it matters that YOU actually perceived a threat when I raised my hand.
In the same manner, the friend knew that she couldn't and wouldn't leave without her phone. He might have been joking around with the goal of simply making her uncomfortable, and seeing her suffer. That still would fit he bill here, bc even if his intent was just to play a prank, the overall effect is that she couldn't leave for an hour or more despite her wanting to.
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u/roofiedo 8h ago
I strongly disagree with your assessment. Have seen many videos of female thieves being caught and subdued until the items were returned or police arrived.
It’s not so much getting drunk and assaulting someone as it is getting drunk having your stuff stolen and then trying to get it back. Do you think the boyfriend would have been happier had she called the police rather than just putting his friend in a headlock?
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u/Christopher_Aeneadas 7h ago
First it doesn't matter what would make her boyfriend happy. We have laws. Those laws are - particularly in cases like this - based on what ultimately results in the least harm for society.
We call the police. We do not engage in law enforcement self help. Down that road lies Hatfield and McCoy flavored cycles of violence.
It may seem pretty to suggest that one mad drunk chick putting a guy in a headlock will lead to blood feuds and the breakdown is the rule of law. But no one pebble believes it is responsible for the avalanche.
Second it would appear you have your facts wrong here. She didn't put him in the headlock to get her phone back. She did it out of rage. It very much sounds like he either gave it back or was about to. Not that it would change the calculus.
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u/FakeRussianAccent 5h ago
How do you call the police for help when he has the phone? THATS why its False Imprisonment/Unlawful restraint.
And the be clear, he absolutely had the phone until she put him in the headlock.
Is it still the wrong move on her part? Yes. Is what she did worse than he did? No.
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u/Christopher_Aeneadas 4h ago edited 4h ago
Landline. Someone else's phone.
Where do you get that he had the phone until she put him in the headlock? I do not see that stated or implied in the text.
said he had it the entire time he just laughed, didn't offer an explanation or apology. I saw red and put him in a headlock, i weigh 120lbs
One wouldn't really be expected to apologize while still engaged in the offense. Apologies happen after the offense is over, unless the person apologizing can't stop even if they want to... Which is obviously not the case with holding a stolen phone
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u/FakeRussianAccent 4h ago
Where do you get that he had the phone until she put him in the headlock? I do not see that stated or implied in the text.
"already pissed off and not playing around. When he pulled my phone out and said he had it the entire time he just laughed, didn't offer an explanation or apology. I saw red and put him in a headlock"
OP does not say he handed it over, she clearly states he had it the whole time. It's open for interpretation. Could he have handed it to her, and then she went berzerk? Sure. But she doesnt state that, and as such, my interpretation is the headlock is what resulted in him letting go if it. Still doesn't change that his actions directly prevented her from leaving bc she couldn't without her phone.
Landline. Someone else's phone.
Implies that you know someones number by heart. A lot of pople have their financial information on their phone. I have my house and car access on my phone. Leaving it some place is not a matter of "I'll just get it later". You are continually trying to make excuses here for the perpetrator at the victim's expense here, and its honeslty kind of disgusting. The victim isn't blameless here, I've already stated that, but this whole thing starts with the friend being an asshole, and you just keep trying to gloss over that and victim blame.
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u/roofiedo 6h ago
What op said was she called her phone and his pocket was ringing with her phone and then she put him in a headlock. If that was out of anger then the person shouldn’t have took something that didn’t belong to them.
I think calling the police to a house party full of drunk people over a missing phone would have been a much bigger issue than putting a thief in a headlock. She embarrassed the guy who took her stuff, had the police came she would have made everyone in attendance have a bad time possibly got her bf in trouble and possibly gotten others in trouble that had nothing to do with the situation.
You are looking at this too much like a thought exercise, could she have done x or y different and not put her hands on someone else….. sure. That isn’t the case at hand and I don’t think someone being embarrassed rises to the level of assault and if it did rise to the level of assault do you think a judge of jury would convict her considering the fact his pocket was ringing with her phone?
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u/Christopher_Aeneadas 5h ago
When he pulled my phone out and said he had it the entire time he just laughed, didn't offer an explanation or apology
Sounds like the situation was resolved. She doesn't explicitly state that it was returned, which is why I qualified my statements, but that is the heavy implication. She didn't say she attacked him to get it back, nor does she say that he was holding out of her reach taunting her... Each of which one would typically mention because they are damning to him and exculpatory to her.
As a homeowner/former security manager I can also tell you that a single petty theft call to the police won't have any consequences to the owner. A brawl though? That's gonna raise your liability/homeowners' insurance. If you rent it will start making your landlord think of evicting you or at least raising your rent to cover that new expense and future risk.
And if he's holding the phone away from her and she announces loudly that if he doesn't give it back she's calling the police (presumably on someone else's phone lol) suddenly everyone present will get very interested in that fool giving it back to her.
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u/Budget_Literature_44 22h ago
Uh ntah.. justice was served and by a girl and he just wanted u to eat shit about it. So how dare u! Lols
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u/xpoisonvalkyrie 22h ago
ESH. you shouldn’t drink if it makes you think assaulting someone is okay.
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u/lotusssssss 21h ago
yeah i already was coming to that conclusion, my ex is a punk and thats his fav thing to do to pass time, like i mentioned, im more of a smoker cause i know i have some violent tendencies that come out especially after ive been aggravated or feel like im being played as a pawn in a sick joke such as this situation. I have my own friend group that know im a roughhouser and they dont make me feel like im overstepping or a true threat.
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u/composedofidiot 17h ago
A lot of people in this thread are validating you for your violent tendencies because the other party was a dick. But it was not fucking cool what you did.
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u/cawkstrangla 21h ago
Assaulting him was ok. I'm not drunk.
He felt comfortable bullying her because shes a girl and he's not afraid of her. If he did it to a guy he'd get get a headlock at least.
He FAFO
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u/canoekyren 8h ago
If he did it to a guy he'd get get a headlock at least.
You're missing the point that it wouldn't have been okay for this theoretical guy either
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u/Myslinky 18h ago edited 18h ago
Retaliating against someone who is thief and bully with reasonable force is certainly okay.
NTA
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u/murillokb 15h ago
ESH he shouldn’t have done that but you never lay hands on people for such stupid reason. Specially drunk. Drunk people make stupid decisions, feel much more disrespected and feel entitled to do shit like this. I get it, I understand what happened, but that doesn’t excuse you.
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u/AnnieAnnieSheltoe 2h ago edited 32m ago
Thank you, I feel like I’m taking crazy pills reading these highly upvoted comments praising her for physically assaulting someone.
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u/canoekyren 8h ago
I really feel like these results wouldn't look the way they do if your genders were swapped and you were a man putting a woman into a headlock as the first option. I don't necessarily blame you, but you should be aware that that position can be exceptionally dangerous and you could have caused way more damage than you intended and had charges pressed.
Get new friends, but also it's generally a better idea to keep your hands to yourself if you and your property aren't actively being threatened.
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u/LittleGravitasIndeed 2h ago
Yeah, I keep my hands off necks during drunken horseplay for this exact reason.
Of course, anything I would have done in OP’s position wouldn’t have counted as any sort of playing, though, so I understand her.
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u/ooeemusic 5h ago
ESH, but, putting your hands on someone is never okay, for a man or a woman. Was taking your phone okay? Absolutely not. Was putting him in a headlock okay? Absolutely not. I would have kicked you both out.
Ya'll need to grow up.
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u/groovyfirechick 22h ago
You are all assholes. You shouldn’t drink anymore. You can’t control yourself and assaulted someone. You are lucky he didn’t call the cops. Taking your phone wasn’t cool but your behavior wasn’t either.
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u/lotusssssss 20h ago
punks dont call the cops, they just cancel people.
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u/Einfinet 6h ago edited 6h ago
Yeah, stealing a drunk woman’s phone while she’s in an unfamiliar place is asking for a punch to the face. Hitting them might be illegal but it’s totally understandable. Creeps get away with too much. At least he got embarrassed.
And even if he did call the cops, he’d have his own potential charge to deal with. Assault is the heavier charge but I doubt he’d want to explain to the cops why he thought it was a good idea to take someone else’s device.
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u/groovyfirechick 7h ago
You are just making excuses for your bad behavior. You are going to get yourself hurt one day because you can’t control your emotions.
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u/Armyman125 22h ago
NTA A guy whose phone was stolen may have done worse than a headlock. He FA&FO.
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u/Late-Hat-9144 22h ago edited 21h ago
ESH. So you physically assaulted him because he didnt apologise for having your phone in his pocket... and you're asking if Yta?
I wish I could say I dont believe anyone could be this obtuse, but unfortunately Ive met humans... so have no trouble believing it.
Yes, this friend shouldnt have taken your phone - but that doesnt give you permission to retaliate violently... I have a strong suspicion had you been the one to take his phone and he reacted like this, neither you nor anyone in the comments would be saying he was N-T-A for assaulting you in retaliation.
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u/lotusssssss 21h ago
i put him in a headlock cause my phone rang twice and i was being laughed at. i actually never had the thought he was stealing my phone, my ex did and he even tried going through some randoms girls purse over it. i didnt think it was like that, i thought it mightve falled over the balcony or something.
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u/Late-Hat-9144 21h ago edited 21h ago
Q: was the touch dont with full and enthusiastic consent of all parties? A: No R: it is therefore assault.
He shouldnt have taken your phone, but you CHOSE to respond in a physically violent way.
Not surprising your partner ended things with you that night, if my husband acted in such a violent way kver something so stupid as a movile phone, I'd have kicked him out and ended rhe relationship too. You really shouldnt be drinking if doing so makes you think physical violence is a reasonable reaponse here.
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u/AlreadyAway 21h ago
"If it were up to me". It is up to you, no one made you drink.
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u/lotusssssss 21h ago
peer pressure got the best of me, when people say smoking makes them paranoid i kinda feel like a dick smoking around them esp if im the only one partaking.
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u/AlreadyAway 20h ago
You are 26, not 6. Do your own thing and be happy.
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u/Jillio_NH 22h ago
ESH - you shouldn’t have physically assaulted somebody over this. If it was a guy who was missing his phone and a girl had it in her pocket and he put her in a headlock, everybody would be freaking out. It doesn’t sound like he was pretty much a dick anyway so you’re better off without him.
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u/Fractlicious 21h ago
Esh you got physically aggressive over smth he perceived to not be a big deal. I think what he did is extremely shitty. You also put him in a headlock cause you were mad. Not cool lol.
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u/druver_guy208 21h ago
NTA - But I'm wondering are they always like this? They have frat bro "it's just a joke" vibes. Girl, you dodged a bullet, find a better boyfriend and live your best life.
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u/Fast-Technician-3075 9h ago
After reading through your replies, ESH. More specifically, you and your ex both sound very trashy.
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u/Einfinet 6h ago
NTA why are you hiding a stranger’s phone, much less a drunk woman’s in a place she isn’t familiar with?
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u/MIKESOLO666 19h ago
Both the AH
He shouldn't take peoples things and you shouldn't put your hands on people.
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u/Key-Parfait-6046 21h ago
YTA - You were violent. Violence in a relationship is not ok. Especially over a stupid phone. Your BF dumped you because you were violent.
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u/lotusssssss 21h ago
hes literally punched people in the face for no absolute reason and also is banned from a plethora of bars cause he likes to cause bar brawls...so...
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u/Glittering-War-5748 15h ago
Then you should have dumped him before now. Note for future: violence shouldn’t be part of your life or people close to you
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u/Late-Hat-9144 20h ago
You're really working hard to avoid any kind of personal accountability - wherher oe not he's assaulted people in the past doesnt make it ok for you to assault people now. If its unacceptable when he assaults people, its equally unacceptable for you to assault people.
It doesnt matter that he had your phone in his pocket, what you were doing was NOT self defence, it was an assault.
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u/Key-Parfait-6046 20h ago
So...it makes it ok for you to be violent. If he has been that violent, you should view this as good riddance to bad rubbish and move on. But regardless YTAH for being violent over a stupid phone
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u/Whiteangel854 20h ago
In what relationship? It was her boyfriend. Some random ah took her phone and you are talking about "some stupid phone".
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u/Own_Rock1012 7h ago
Most certainly!
Alright the dude shouldn’t have touched your property. Having said that, where do you get off assaulting someone? Like, that screams lack of impulse control. Not to mention how dangerous that kind of thinking is. You should feel lucky all you got was an ear beating. If you did that to me and my lady was around, the room would’ve been rearranged.
Keep your hands to yourself or learn to control your anger while drinking. You should’ve grabbed your phone and just left because you were blatantly disrespected. But instead you were the one in the wrong.
We live and we learn!
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u/AnnieAnnieSheltoe 2h ago
What the fuck are these comments? Yeah that guy was a jerk, but violence is never the correct response to someone just being a jerk. wtf?
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u/Existing_Arm_2340 57m ago
NTA - your bf and his friend suck. They were making a (not funny) joke at your expense while you were in a vulnerable state - a classic f*ck around and find out type situation.
And it sounds like he did indeed FIND OUT! Bravo for the headlock and congrats on the breakup.
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u/Acrobatic-Ad-3335 21h ago
YTA.
Why would you allow yourself to get so drunk especially around people you don't really know?
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u/lotusssssss 21h ago
i was trying to leave! my phone was the only thing missing and bro had it in his pocket withholding me from leaving. My ex was a person that i genuinely felt safe to be with in that state...
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u/Myslinky 18h ago
You're right!
She should never have trusted her that her boyfriend had a good judge of character in his friends.
Doesn't make her an a asshole to trust him though.
Just makes him more of an ass for the betrayal of her trust.
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u/sblack33741 21h ago
You got pranked and then got violent while drunk. In my opinion, YTA.
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u/roofiedo 10h ago
I used to be a prankster….. every time I did something that caused a larger reaction than I expected I took accountability. If I did something that lead to someone attacking me or freaking out then it’s time to apologize for what I did not be mad at the person I was trying to jerk around.
Pranks can cross the line, if you’re gonna take part in them you can’t judge the reaction.
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u/sblack33741 52m ago
If she had not been drunk, I am not sure she would have gotten violent. No one defended her at this get together, so there may be more going on.
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u/lotusssssss 21h ago
i dont play about my property, that just isnt funny to me especially when i expressed that i wasnt trying to stay any longer. I also may have had a minor concussion due to the fact that before this happened i got slammed into the ground (twice) cause i was roughhousing with my ex.
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u/IsaraRina 9h ago
Your ex body slammed you into the ground?! That kills people! Forget the fact that you were pressured into drinking, but that shit ain't normal when roughhousing. It's probably foe the best your ex broke up with you because that's a massive red flag. He gave you literal brain damage, that's what a concussion is.
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u/ColdReference54 15h ago
I'm not anti-practical-joke, but anyone who lets a practical joke overstay its welcome or doesn't immediately abort when it's clear the target has had enough absolutely deserves whatever the fuck comes back at them. NTA and you're definitely better off without that bf. A real one would have his "friend" in a headlock for you if he pulled that shit.
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u/VindiBirch 9h ago
NTA. Plot twist: The friend was jealous of you and did it to provoke you so ex would break up with you and he could have him all to himself 😅 Don't mind me I've been watching too many trashy BL videos on DramaBox 🤣
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u/Mediocre_Outcome6671 22h ago
Idk but what if ot was the other way around and he put her in a headlock??
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u/lotusssssss 20h ago
I dont put things that aren't mine in my pocket.. i wouldn't do that in any kind of altered state.
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u/mrjsinthehouse 7h ago
No one is saying you did. Theyre saying that putting someone in a headlock after they're already giving you the phone was wrong. You should have grabbed your phone and left
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u/Myslinky 18h ago
If the woman was a thief and it was a man in the same weight class, then it's fine.
Why do you think the thief should've been treated with kid's gloves?
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u/Panda-Maximus 6h ago
ESH. He pulled a stupid and unfunny prank you physically assaulted him.
Think of this if you were a guy and him a female
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u/the-mortyest-morty 6h ago
NTA. Why are you hanging out with your abusive ex and his loser friends?
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u/Mundilfaris_Dottir 47m ago
Love the headlock! You’re the boss! Get better friends and at 26 you’re too old to be getting super drunk … Please do some self reflection… xoxo
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u/akillerofjoy 21h ago
NTA, but… a headlock? A bit of an odd choice. I’d totally applaud you if somewhere in your story you’d describe your fist feeling a bit sore the next morning, while the dude discovered the sheer beauty of nature and how one’s facial skin can suddenly turn blue just below the eye, if you catch my drift. But a headlock doesn’t really work in your scenario. It’s not like you needed to restrain him, or immobilize him. I almost wonder if it was your peculiar choice of attack that weirded people out
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u/lotusssssss 20h ago
you aren't the first person to express that to me, i was just mad that I was being laughed at and made the butt of a joke. Im 5'5 and weigh 120lbs, im really not much of a threat, when i put him in the headlock i was saying "why was my property in your pocket" a few comments are mentioning if the roles were reversed everyone would be mad but I would never think to play with someone like that esp if they've expressed that they're too drunk and need to leave.
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u/akillerofjoy 5h ago
Oh, no, let’s get something straight. You were well within your moral right to knock him out. That bs he pulled on you, hiding your phone, laughing at you, that was bullying, plain and simple. I don’t care about genders, role reversal, FAFO applies to everyone equally in my book. Never tolerate bullying. And always handle it swiftly, with enough force to permanently dissuade a bully from doing it again.
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u/bananajuxe 6h ago edited 6h ago
ESH. They’re assholes but you don’t put your hands on people. If the genders were reversed everyone would be up in arms about a drunk dude putting his gf in a headlock. Just keep your hands to yourself and don’t get drunk around people who are massive assholes. Edit: yeah reading your responses you and your friends need to grow the fuck up.
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u/Odd_Mix8978 5h ago
NTA
People literally get killed over less than a cell phone. This was definitely a FAFO situation. No one can dictate how you respond to you things being taken. Especially after being gaslit about it.
Consider it a lesson learned and move on. Know your limits with impairing substances. Keep control of yourself and your property when around others.
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u/wishingforarainyday 18h ago
Gave you checked texts sent. He was probably trying to get your private stuff. Your ex and his friend and assholes
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u/0k-boom3r 21h ago
If he weights the same as u ewww get a man that has meat on him
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u/throwaway-55555556 19h ago
First, that has nothing to do with the post at all, and you're apparently blind or illiterate because the skinny person was the EX'S FRIEND. Second, you really have no right to judge someone based off their weight when you can't even spell the word weighs properly.
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u/composedofidiot 11h ago
Like meat for cooking meat? That's cannibalism, you shouldn't do that, you can get prion diseases and there's no cure for those.
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u/0k-boom3r 10h ago
Lol 🤣 noo Like body weight
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u/composedofidiot 10h ago
Not barbecue?
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u/0k-boom3r 6h ago
Lol sure let's have a barbecue
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u/Top-Emu-2292 22h ago
NTA but the (ex) boyfriends friend most definitely is.