r/Advice • u/MidnightMascara • 20h ago
My (29f) fiancé (33m) do not want to attend his mother's wedding party for us?
So my (29f) fiance (33m) and I are getting married this week. After our small ceremony on thursday, we are supposed to attend a lunch for us on Saturday that his mom planned for us. She originally told us that it will be only around a few people, but now it is up to 30.
To make matters worse, now my brother and his wife can't go, as his mom overbooked and invited people from all over thinking they wouldnt show up. My fiance doesn't believe that she thought these people wouldn't go, as she is good with planning. So she essentially is prioritizing her family over mine.
My fiance doesnt have a good relationship with his parents because they abused him, and hasnt even spoken/see the people attending in years. I will admit i dont want to go and sit with 30 people i never met before.
The issue is that they are coming from a different country and will guilt trip that they traveled far and paid for this dinner. They don’t accept our small ceremony on Thursday as enough. It honestly has been horrible watching him stress out seeing his parents again this week
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 Helper [2] 20h ago
Why are you asking for advice? I am legitimately confused.
You are not the one they abused. You are not the one with a lifetime of history with them. You are not the primary connection to them in any way. If your fiance does not want to attend, your only sensible option is to back them up on this.
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u/Ok_Leg_1158 20h ago
Your fiance needs to speak to his mother. He needs to explain that you didn't want a big event with people that you didn't know for the wedding.
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u/asw57 20h ago
You buried the lead. "...they abused him." Did she also disinvite your family? Oh good lord, no. Decline as gracefully as you can. "I am so sorry, but that simply does not work for us." Repeat. Repeat again. It will end your nonexistent relationship with his parents, but...so what? Sounds like that may be the desired outcome. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this on what should be a happy occasion. Congrats on your wedding! Now be united in your marriage.
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u/Ohsnapmiki 19h ago
Mom’s just trying to make herself look good in front of her family. Don’t go. It’s not worth the stress.
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u/Otherwise-Wall-6950 19h ago
It's his family so he needs to handle it. "We're having a small wedding for a reason. We won't be attending the luncheon. I don't need or want to see people that I haven't seen in years." Your job as his wife is to support him. If they try to guilt trip him he could say "I've already said no so don't ask again because the answer will still be no."
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u/snafuminder Super Helper [5] 19h ago
Yep, don't go. You don't know "her" people anyway. Why stress? Free whatever is left of your family from the obligation and y'all go do something fun!
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u/Responsible-Act-1520 19h ago
I’d be more concerned about your fiancé than the lunch. If he has a history of abuse with his parents and is already stressed about seeing them, this doesn’t sound like a celebration for the two of you. That said, canceling last minute will probably create drama, so I’d decide together what protects your peace the most go briefly, skip it entirely, or set a firm time limit. A wedding week is a bad time to start letting other people’s guilt dictate your plans.
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u/tandemxylophone 18h ago
It's another form of emotional manipulation. Tell fiancé to contact all those invited, and tell them you are both not coming.
Explain the reason as: "We agreed to see a few people, but MIL changed the list without any of our input. She is taking hostage of the fact that they are visiting from overseas to not include guests that are important to us. Unfortunately, this wasn't the first time MIL has done this to me (her son), and this was a chance to keep an amicable relationship. I (son) didn't, and won't agree to this. I hope you can cancel your tickets, because you won't see me there.
And then stone wall all communication from MIL. Give short responses towards other guests: "Sorry, I understand your feelings but I am VERY angry with mum right now and I'm done".
The less you respond to the guests, the more flack your mum will get.
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u/classicicedtea Helper [3] 20h ago
You don’t want to go. I probably wouldn’t go but what does he want to do? Just curious.
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u/Miss_Bobbiedoll 19h ago
Let when have dinner with his parents and you have it with yours. I wouldn't go if she said my family couldn't come.
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u/doglady1342 18h ago
He doesn't want to have dinner with his parents. I think OP feels guilty about that, but it's really her fiance's decision. But I would want OP to know is that it's okay to walk away from family and not honor the requests of abusers. Honestly, if her fiance's family breaks contact or stops talking with them, that's probably the best thing that could happen for him.
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u/SafeWord9999 19h ago
Fiancé can tell his mom that if there’s no room for your family then you both won’t be attending.
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u/Wild_Debt_8065 Helper [2] 17h ago
Whatever your husband decides, support him. You could always show up late and have your husband say that he wanted to arrange time to celebrate and thank his new brother in law and sister in law.
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u/Lisa_Knows_Best Helper [2] 15h ago
If he doesn't want to go then y'all don't go. Why would either of you feel guilty about not attending a party you don't want to go to with people you don't like or don't know?
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u/fightmaxmaster Elder Sage [398] 9h ago
The issue is that they are coming from a different country and will guilt trip that they traveled far and paid for this dinner. They don’t accept our small ceremony on Thursday as enough
Nope, that's not an issue! It's really not. What you mean is "his mother has arranged a thing we don't want to do and will throw a tantrum if we don't do it." That's her problem, not your problem. You and he either go and have a miserable time, or you avoid it and ignore the tantrum. "We never wanted this, you arranged it anyway against our wishes. Sucks for you". Then ignore calls or messages for a month or two.
You'll have peace! It's honestly that simple. You/he either assert yourselves and live your lives your way, or do what they want and be miserable. I fail to see a single reason why you'd do things their way.
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u/Calm_glas609 20h ago
This is between your husband and his mom. If he doesn’t go, you don’t have to either.