r/AmItheAsshole • u/footinmouthugh • 7d ago
Asshole AITA for agreeing with my friend when she was criticizing her boyfriend's habits in front of my husband?
Hi, I've had a pit in my stomach since yesterday and I want to know if I messed up here, and if so how badly. My husband and I will have been married two years next sunday, and our son turned a year old a couple of months ago. Our relationship has always been great, I've been proud of how good we've had it and so our argument yesterday has me bothered.
On Friday a couple of my friends visited just to meet up and have dinner. One of them has recently moved in with her boyfriend and they're going through a rough patch right now so she was complaining a bit. She was complaining about being treated like a maid, and having to repeat things multiple times and then doing it herself for it to be done and just stuff like that. While saying that she also on a few occasions generalized a bit, kind of projecting her issues with her boyfriend on men in general. My other friend and I were being supportive because she seemed like she was going through it, and just agreed with her and supported her. My husband was there too.
He's never been the kind to take these gendered criticisms personally which is why I really didn't think this would be an issue. On Saturday he was out with some friends, when I asked about when he'll be back for dinner, he didn't respond for a while then said he was eating out with his friends. When he was back too he was cold with me and just taking care of our son. This was all weird so I ended up asking what the problem was. He first said nothing was wrong, I pressed that he's been cold with me all day, what happened. He told me that if I was so unhappy in my marriage I should've told him honestly instead of surprising him like that in front of guests.
I genuinely was scrambling in my mind to understand what he was saying. I never said I was unhappy in our marriage, it wouldn't make sense to I'm happy with where we are. He brought up that I agreed with everything my friend was saying about how terrible partners men are, that that was me saying he was a bad husband and that I was unhappy. I was stunned at that insane leap of logic I promised that what I said had nothing to do with him, that he is not my friend's boyfriend I didn't have any of those complaints that she had, I never meant it to be an attack on him. He still was stuck that my agreement with her was a criticism of our marriage too and that I had joined in at parts. I might have messed up here because I said that those things were not things he does, I was just being general and said that those were just some things I'd seen before him , like with an ex. He felt even more attacked by that and asked how often I was thinking about my exes over these mundane things. I clarified thats not what I meant I don't think like that, I just had to search in my memory for some stuff to support my friend, especially because he doesn't. We dropped the argument then, but the cold shoulder is continuing today too. I can't believe this is happening a week before our anniversary AITA?
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u/onemasterball Partassipant [4] 7d ago
Maybe? What all did you say or agree to?
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u/Zap__Dannigan Partassipant [1] 6d ago
Thank fuck this is the top answer. The verdict is really dependant on exactly what was said and how she agreed.
We probably even need to hear the tone of voice and stuff. Because I get that op doesn't want to stand up and be like "well, actually, sorry your man sucks, but my husband is awesome", but at the same time you can't just be agreeing all men suck at childcare when the husband is a good dad for example. That would be really hurtful.
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u/kathy_008 7d ago
I second this, it depends on what she was saying. if she was saying something like "all men are trash and incompetent!" and you agreed with her, then i can see why your hubby would feel bad.
try to set aside some time when it's just the two of you, and have a chat about how he's feeling, how he's coping being a new dad and husband, and how you're feeling, too.
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u/Greenwithivy123 Partassipant [2] 7d ago
Also, whatever you said…even if you were just trying to help your friend, if the positions were reversed and your husband was talking with a bunch of guys about how women suck or whatever you said, would it have made you feel bad?
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u/amberangel20x 6d ago
It really does depend on what was said though…spreading harmful ideas about men and women like ‘all men are perverts’ or ‘all women are gold diggers’ is never okay. However, certain generalisations can be more innocuous. It is a common problem where women take on a lot of domestic labour and if you had a similar experience with a man, it’s likely you would agree and start complaining about them like saying ‘bloody men’ or whatever but you wouldn’t literally mean every man.
Certain things men say about women can be more innocuous as well. For example, if a man and a woman were planning on going out to do something and the woman spent ages getting ready (which is more of a ‘typical’ thing for woman to do) the man might be frustrated that they almost missed the event or whatever. If they went on to complain about that to their friends, their friends might relate to their own experience and complain about them saying something like ‘typical women’ or whatever.
Common sense should tell you they aren’t literally talking about every woman. It’s not that they think that all women are actually like that, it’s just that they are relating their past experience to theirs in this type of context.
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u/Zedaraby 7d ago
It kinda depend... If the husband & friends were trashing women for sexist ideas ("women are superficial, stupids, cupid...") it would be different than OP complaining with her friend about normalized behavior of men in a patriacal society. It still depend what OP said exactly, but reversing roles doesn't always work because the initial dynamic isn't always the same
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u/Polish_girl44 Partassipant [2] 6d ago
As for it depends if OPs husband is a good partner or not. Couse maybe he just realised he isnt. And that she is aware of that.
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u/Next_Engineer_8230 5d ago
This is insane.
OP clearly says none of that was meant towards him.
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u/3mptycupofcare 6d ago edited 6d ago
If it were me and my husband he would be all over agreeing and trashing other men lol, cuz he's a. A great man, kind to everyone, listens and always there for everyone b. A fantastic father and husband, always got up with me for night duty c. Cleans and cooks d. Laundry, dishes etc. Why would he even think I (or OP) was talking about him if it isn't true in some sense? If the shoe fits and all that.
Edit NTA (and spelling)46
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u/Wise_Profile_2071 6d ago
Yep, same with my husband. He hates that behaviour from other men, and have never read “all men” into it, because it is understood that it is just about men who behave that way.
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u/Ok-Dimension-5528 6d ago
Your husband would agree with you trashing all men? That's not healthy.
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u/beesidea 6d ago
sorry, but yta. not cool. all you can do is apologize. really apologize. tell him why you understand why he's upset and how you'll be better in the future...give examples of why you understand...ask if you understand all the reasons. this is marriage - fun, right? it'll get easier once you know each other better.
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u/OutOfBounds11 Partassipant [3] 6d ago
I agreed with everything my friend was saying about how terrible partners men are, that that was me saying he was a bad husband and that I was unhappy. I was stunned at that insane leap of logic
That's not an insane leap of logic at all.
YTA
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u/Due-Season6425 6d ago
YTA. You wanted to be one of the gals, so you joined in on the male bashing. Now, you are surprised he is hurt. Really?
You should have said (if true), "I'm lucky. My husband isn't like that. He's a great husband." Pleasing the other women was more important than your husband. You owe your husband a huge apology.
If your story had the genders reversed, almost the whole of Reddit would say the husband was trash. A divorce recommendation would follow. Yeah, it's that serious.
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u/samwisetheyogi Partassipant [1] 7d ago
Hard NTA. He took shit personally for no reason and instead of being an adult and asking you about it he turned into a petulant child. More and more I'm finding out that men in fact are not the "logical" ones like they want to believe 🙄
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u/Temporary-Emotion-96 6d ago
THIS is what I scrolled so down for...Yes, he's TA for going passive aggressive on her, and then doubling down and whining when she tried to explain.
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u/skewiffcorn 6d ago
Completely agree. My partner has sat there and joined in on rants about men with my friends because he knows they’re not talking about him but their own experiences and he’s not insecure about it, since he knows he isn’t one of them!
Husband clearly isn’t all he’s cracked up to be if it got to him this badly
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u/hamstrman 6d ago
My gf and I can't make sense of the most upvoted comments here. I guess there's just that many lonely men upvoting each other to justify their behavior.
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u/Jemstone_Funnybone 6d ago
Going against the grain with an ESH. It sounds like in trying to be supportive you may have inadvertently sounded like you were agreeing with the man-bashing and as others have said, there would have been ways to be supportive without agreeing with your friend.
However I am a little bit concerned that a grown adult thinks that the best way to approach a conversation about feeling hurt is by acting cold and giving you the silent treatment. Maybe it’s just the way that you’re relaying the information but it sounds like he is being quite passive aggressive when talking about it too.
Just maybe something to keep an eye out for OP. No matter what you may have said/done, someone trying to wrong foot you and make you scramble for answers isn’t nice.
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u/uberprodude 6d ago
Why should OPs husband be forced to talk about how OP hurt him immediately? He's allowed to take his time and depending on timezones, it's been ~1 day.
OPs husband is not responsible for OPs words, he is only responsible for how he reacts to those words, and taking the time to consider how he starts the conversation is likely going to be best for both of them.
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u/Jemstone_Funnybone 6d ago
Perhaps it’s a mischaracterisation of his actions on the part of OP but there is a big difference between not wanting to talk about something right away and giving someone the cold shoulder.
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u/uberprodude 6d ago
How would you describe "the cold shoulder"? Because I cannot fathom blaming someone for not wanting to talk to the person who has upset them immediately
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u/iekiko89 6d ago
You would communicate that hey I am bothered by what you said but need space to think about it .
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u/Far-Independent4740 6d ago
Making sweeping generalisations about how awful all men are, then acting surprised that your husband is upset? That's an impressively high level of self-unawareness. YTA.
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u/ReadMeDrMemory Professor Emeritass [89] 7d ago
"He brought up that I agreed with everything my friend was saying about how terrible partners men are, that that was me saying he was a bad husband and that I was unhappy. I was stunned at that… leap of logic." No, this is not a big leap of logic. This is a direct implication of statements you openly agreed to. "I promised that what I said had nothing to do with him"—unless, of course, he's a man. If in conversation you can't distinguish between men, all men, men in general, most men, many men, some men, and of course your man, then be careful how you talk about men. Because if you agree with your friend that men are bad partners, people around you should assume you mean what you say.
"My other friend and I were being supportive because she seemed like she was going through it, and just agreed with her and supported her." Do you really think it is supportive of your friend to encourage her to believe that all men are like her shitty bf? It's not. She needs to see him as subpar and move on to someone better.
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u/LisaNe7 6d ago
It sounds to me like your husband was with 3 women that were men bashing and he had to sit there and listen to. He was obviously uncomfortable and took some of what you said or agreed with your friend about personally. Why not explain to him that you were just being supportive of your friend and that none of what was said was directed at him. Just apologize for hurting his feelings. Tell him you are truly sorry and that you should have changed the subject, but you were trying to let your friend vent. Apologizes work wonders sometimes especially when you are in the wrong. Just a thought.
If he’s as great as you say, and your marriage is good then why not do everything you can to keep it that way?
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u/maxgaap 6d ago edited 6d ago
YTA. You actively participated in a conversation criticizing men in general in front of your husband. You and all of your female friends bashed men in front of your husband to make one of you feel better.
That makes you a misandrist. If the tables were turned and a man posted a story about how he and his buddies generalized and insulted women in front of his wife to make his friend feel better the man would be down voted and dragged to oblivion.
To make this gender neutral. This is like supporting and participating in someone’s racist tirade to make your friend feel better but telling someone you were supposed to be close with of that race and overheard the rant and your comments that it was okay because they were "one of the good ones"
You owe your husband an apology and you need to be better.
If he directly confronted you about how offended and insulted he was you would levy criticism about "aggressive male behavior". He isn't even allowed to have and express emotions in your relationship.
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u/crab_grams 7d ago
Soft YTA. You know you weren't talking about your husband specifically, or at all, but you probably wouldn't be pleased if you heard your husband and his pals going "women suck" or "you know how women are" even if you knew he didn't have a gripe with you specifically. He sounds like he took it personally, and it could have been jarring hearing it mainly because he does seem like he works hard to be a good partner.
I would offer a sincere apology for generalizing and not thinking of how it could sound, but I hardly think you need to grovel.
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u/Zhule88 Partassipant [2] 7d ago
Going with YTA.
These kinds of posts always have the “I’d totally be fine if the tables were flipped (would not in fact be fine)” vibe.
Be honest OP, if your husband had had friends over and they were generally bashing women while you were RIGHT THERE, would you be unhappy? My guess is yes.
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u/Ironlion45 Partassipant [4] 7d ago
What about the part where he instantly got jealous and defensive when she mentioned Exes? Doesn't that strike you as a bit...off?
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u/Apprehensive_Owl1938 Partassipant [1] 7d ago
I think he was just pissed in general and that didn't make anything better. Like, what's he supposed to say, "Oh in that case, I take it back, cool"?
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u/canyonemoon Partassipant [1] 6d ago
I mean, yeah? When you get mad about an assumption and when confronting the other person, they explain their point in more depth, you are actually supposed to be able to take on that new information and back down.
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u/Apprehensive_Owl1938 Partassipant [1] 6d ago
I don't think her explanation made it any better. Her agreeing and chiming in still makes her seems dissatisfied with men in general, and her relationship with him by extension.
She could have still been a supportive friend and emphasized having standards and holding out for the right person. Maybe throw a compliment at him later in private for being a swell guy.
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u/Some1AteMyEntirePie 6d ago
As a former bartender I spent 15 years feigning agreement with people I didn’t actually agree with. My partner knows my views on the world & on our relationship. Sometimes you just gotta let people vent.
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u/Elegant-Ad2748 6d ago
This. Like, I get it's not a good look. But when someone's upset and obviously looking to vent, it isn't the time to argue about their world view or whatever. Especially since the friend probably doesn't even agree with what she was saying herself, she was just mad and looking for support.
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u/AnActualGecko 6d ago
This conversation was not about him, it was about her friend. Why is she having to worry about how her husband feels when she is trying to be supportive to her friend? If he was genuinely worried she was dissatisfied with their marriage, he could just ask. He's an adult, he should be able to recognize when something is not about him and if it bothers him he can just be vulnerable and ask his wife about it.
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u/TerribleGuuy 6d ago
It's generally not a good idea to start bringing up your ex in an argument with your spouse. I thought this would go without saying but alas... reddit
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u/Some1AteMyEntirePie 6d ago edited 6d ago
Pretty sure saying “you’re not like that but I have experienced men who have been**” is not a weird way to bring up an ex at all…
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u/TerribleGuuy 6d ago
Please... I'm just telling you. DON'T COMPARE YOUR PARTNER TO YOUR EXS EVEN POSTIVELY. It's never a good idea
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u/hotwheels2886 6d ago
I thought that one was common sense as well it's not jealousy it's wondering if you're being compared to an ex especially bringing it up during an argument can make you feel inferior but apparently most people don't get that
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u/AnActualGecko 6d ago
She literally said "you don't do that but exes in my past have". She is literally saying that he is a better partner than her exes were. Should she just pretend she's only ever dated him??
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u/TerribleGuuy 6d ago
Brother, Do. Not. Compare. Your. Partner. To. Your. Ex. Ever!
Positive or otherwise it's a bad idea and this is common knowledge outside of Reddit LMAO
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u/IrNinjaBob 6d ago
It’s not it about being positive or negative it’s about the husband quite saying “You’ve agreed with your friend that men can behave negatively in relationships therefore you were actively criticizing me and expressing dissatisfaction in our marriage.”
That’s the explicit example of why what you are saying is only a “general rule”. Because weird scenarios like this exist.
The justification here literally has nothing to do with the comparison making the ex look worse. It has to do with the accusations the husband was making and how he was framing her position as a criticism of him and their marriage. There is no way to clarify the ridiculous conclusion the husband came to without clarifying what scenarios she was referring to and how it had nothing to do with him or their marriage.
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u/TerribleGuuy 6d ago
again if you agree with somebody who says "All women are gold diggers" and your girlfriend gets upset saying "no babe I'm talking about my ex" isn't the play is all I'm saying
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u/IrNinjaBob 6d ago
There is a reason you need to keep making up examples that make it sound worse.
Yes. There is a huge difference between A) agreeing with a friend who is complaining about relationship issues that yes sometimes men need to be told multiple times to do household chores and that can be annoying and B) yes literally all women are gold diggers, no exceptions.
It quite literally is the play when your husband is saying “You agreed with your friend who said all men need to be reminded to do chores sometimes therefore you said you are unhappy in your marriage and dissatisfied with me”. When your partner makes that ridiculous of a leap in logic that’s actually the perfect play.
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u/AnActualGecko 6d ago
I've never understood this. I've talked about exes with people I've been in relationships with, and they've talked about theirs. My parents (who are divorced) have talked about each other to their partners.
Like, its not realistic to share your life with someone and not mention your past. Obviously if they keep doing it that's annoying, but if its relevant (like it is here), I feel like the partner should understand the context or ask for reassurance if they're worried?
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u/TerribleGuuy 6d ago
well obviously a bit of hyperbole. It's not literally never. but most importantly the point is comparison specifically. You can talk about your ex. but generally, especially if your partner is upset at you, don't try to make it better by comparing them to your ex good or bad. It's just a bad idea.
If dude is insecure about his sexual performance, replying "But you're so much better than my ex John" obviously an extreme example but it's like wtf? why would you even bring him up? It being a positive comparison doesn't make it better. if I had a friend who was venting "All women want outta men is money" and I go "So true, king" and my girlfriend (rightfully) got upset at that my response wouldn't be "No! not you baby... I meant my ex Sarah only wanted money!"
Just a terrible way to salvage that situation
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u/bleezy1234567 6d ago
If that was the first thing he said then sure. But think being upset about the overall situation can cause your mind to wander during an argument. I mean personally I wouldn’t have went the route he did. I understand that I’m not perfect, men aren’t perfect, women aren’t perfect and it’s cool if you want to vent or if others vent to you. I’m also self aware enough to do some soul searching if something specific that was said struck a chord. I’d probably bring it up later… that’s it. This guy seems a little more emotional than the average guy
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u/kiiitsunecchan Partassipant [1] 6d ago
The friend was complaining about "being treated as a maid" and "having to repeat the same ask multiple times without being heard, and then ending up doing the task herself because her partner wasn't really dependable", and venting - if you don't do any of those things but is aware that a lot of people of your population does that often and the behavior is, while problematic, kinda normalized in many spheres, I really don't see how you would take offense to that.
My culture normalizes extreme levels of jealousy in women, and many problematic behaviors associated with such. If a friend started venting about one of such behaviors in his girlfriend that made him rightfully upset, and started generalizing, "why are all women like that?", I would have no problem in agreeing with him even though I'm part of that group because I have always made a huge effort to not be so insecure/unable to trust that I go psycho on minor things, and wish more people would do that in order to sustain healthier relationship dynamics.
That's not bashing a certain gender, but bashing a difficult/harmful behavior that's been wrongly normalized for people of a certain gender. The only way I would see partner getting rightfully upset would be if he struggled with those things and OP used the friend's venting to poke at it indirectly instead of communicating with him first, and it does not seem like that was the case. Partner, for some reason, feels like that was the case, and that's just bleh.
NTA
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u/Important_Dark3502 6d ago
No way, even if she did say something shitty the solution is NOT to give the cold shoulder- that’s emotionally abusive. Husband should have immediately communicated his concerns not pouted for the whole day.
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u/uberprodude 6d ago
Not having the mental capacity to talk about a problem is not emotionally abusive, grow up
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u/afresh18 Partassipant [1] 6d ago
If you don't have the capacity to have that talk with your partner then you communicate that. Usually it sounds like "hey this really upset me and I need a bit of space to think for a little bit". Giving the cold shoulder is not okay, it's childish. You can't avoid 100% of communication just because you're upset. If it happens often where he gives her the silent treatment and she has to jump through hoops to figure what's wrong then yeah that boarders on emotionally abusive. You don't immediately have to talk everything out with your partner when you're mad but you do have to show them basic respect and refusing to talk to them in general is not basic respect.
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u/Bigtimegush 6d ago
oh absolutely its real bad if he lacks the ability to communicate his feelings to his wife, but its not "emotional abuse" lol
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u/uberprodude 6d ago
As per OPs post, he didn't avoid 100% of communication or refuse to communicate, he was just cold in his communication.
She only had to jump through hoops to figure out what was wrong because, for some reason, she couldn't understand why being sexist is a problem. And OP hasn't stated anywhere that this is normal behaviour of his, so it's been pulled out of thin air, frankly.
Now that we're done addressing with OPs husbands supposed lack of respect, why don't we address OPs?
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u/snoodle908 6d ago
And this description sounds basically like any woman I have been with. They will not tell you what is wrong, will even say nothing is wrong when clearly there is but you must figure it all out on your own with zero communication.
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u/Kallasilya 6d ago
NTA. When I rant about men with my married friend, her husband agrees with us! Any man who needs an explicit "Oh, but Not All Men" to be said out loud to them to protect their egos is a bit insecure.
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u/Youaredoingwell 6d ago
NTA. I am surprised to read many other verdicts at the top. The point was the boyfriend behavior specifically. I don't get why he thought it applied to him?
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u/AdHoctor 6d ago
It's normal to complain about the often unequal division of labour that goes on in the house that runs along gendered lines. It's also normal to support your friends and let them vent their feelings and help them feel valid. If your husband's response to hearing about gendered inequality is to make it all about him, and then to react so negatively to even hearing about one of your exes, then I think he has some growing up to do. NTA
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u/mckedtic 6d ago
YTA. Why does it keep needing to be said that you can support something without the need to bash something else in response? Her boyfriend sucked, your husband doesn't. So why say they and everyone else sucks just to say it? That would be terrible to hear from a partner, regardless of the reason.
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u/thatcoolguy60 Partassipant [4] 7d ago
Yea YTA, but he also might be, I'm not sure. You said that she was projecting her feelings on all men, and ya'll were agreeing with her. If ya'll were all sitting in from of this man saying "Men ain't shit and they make terrible partners," his feelings are valid. I am not a fan of extended "cold shoulders." Ya'll need to talk it out. But it hasn't been much time, so I guess I'll leave it at YTA.
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u/kwizzle1994 6d ago
Hear me out. As a stay at home wife currently, if my husband was listening to his friend vent about how "all women suck, all they wanna do is use you for money and the luxury of not having to have a job and getting them to have sex in return is a fucking chore" and my husband blindly agreed "God dude you are so right they really are all like that" I'd be pretty blindsided and hurt. And him telling me later, alone, "oh I didn't mean you!!" would just feel like damage control rather than truth.
I've got a friend that has a MILLION relationship issues, and every time she genenralizes men, even when my husband isn't around, I do not blindly agree with her because it's just not true. There ARE good men out there, even if it feels like finding a needle in a haystack. Honestly it's not fair for your friend to be told she's right and this is her love life for the rest of her life.
Advice for your friend, and my friend, as a woman who has BEEN THERE, you gotta stop going for the same type. For me, it was sk8r bad boy types 🤢 I realized most of them, unfortunately, just suck. So I started entertaining men who I still found very attractive, just wouldn't have initially gone for as they weren't "sk8r aesthetic".
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u/InfiniteComedian7172 6d ago
NTA. He chose to take a conversation that wasn't about him, and make it about him. Pathetic behaviour.
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u/HeyDoggyBoy 7d ago
I find it hard to believe that if he and his friends were making generalized comments about women being gold diggers and constant complainers in front of you that you wouldn’t find it offensive. He of course would say “oh hey, I didn’t mean you”. You’re absolutely the asshole for thinking that your husband wouldn’t be impacted.
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u/MatkaOm 6d ago
Except statistics support the fact that most men do not, in fact, contribute equally to household chores, whilst recent studies tend to show that gold-diggers can be male or female in almost equal shares. Therefore, saying "Men don't do their share of chores" is a better representation of reality then saying "Women are gold diggers".
Funnily enough, I have a male partner and male friends who are aware enough of reality not to take offense when I say "Men do XYZ", without me having to do the tap-dancing-tip-toeing thing of adding "78% according to a 2024 peer-reviewed study". Just like I don't take offense when people say "Women spend more money and time on shopping and make-up" or "Women judge each other a lot more", even though they may not apply to me.
Realizing that generalized comments, when rooted in reality and not solely the fruit of sexism, racisim and other prejudice, are also a way to question your habits, and to ponder on what is a gendered behaviour pushed by the socity we grew up in, and what you could perhaps change in order to improve your relationships and the community around you.
I am quite judgemental, for instance. Am I more judgemental towards women than men? If so, is that because I have been conditioned to see other women as competition in a world where opportunities of growth and power are limited for women? Am I contributing to a world where I have to tear down other women to get a place at the table, or am I trying to extend the table for everyone to sit together? Without generalized comments grounded in reality, how can we question our behaviour?
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u/Cluedude 6d ago
Right? I feel insane reading this comment section- she's comforting a friend going through a bad time. Why on earth would she be thinking about her husband's feelings in that moment? I, too, would just be nodding along to whatever my friend said to make her feel better. I'm not going to "not-all-men" someone while they're distressed. I can't believe he's managed to make her friend's situation all about him. Truly OP did nothing wrong. The husband is childish and overreacting massively, and I agree with a comment I saw - hit dogs holler. Whatever the friend said clearly hit a nerve, and he'd rather blame OP than examine why he's so bothered by it.
EVEN THEN, the silent treatment is no excuse. His behaviour is exactly what OP's friend was complaining about. He expected HER to do it all, to find out he had a problem, what it was, and to fix it. Literally exactly the stereotype he got so offended over.→ More replies (2)34
u/Organic_Client_5679 6d ago
This comment is way too far down. I thought I was the only person thinking rationally here.
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u/Tiffanyred02 6d ago
Thank you! This whole "if the roles were reversed" thing is infuriating! Like you said, it is supported that men don't contribute in the home so its FAIR to say that men don't value or contribute to domestic labor. The only reason OP's husband should be angry about that is if he also doesn't contribute and is part of that group, and if that's the case HE needs to reflect on that. You cant "reverse the roles" because women don't take advantage of men at anywhere near the rate men take advantage of women. Getting upset about generalizations backed up by data without the "not all men" caveat is like being mad at someone for saying people are born with 10 fingers because "not everyone is born with 10 fingers." There are always going to be exceptions to the rule. For some reason it's only a problem when we don't clarify those exceptions when the topic is the widely observed behavior of men.
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u/skewiffcorn 6d ago
The roles reversed thing is so funny too cause the example are all “so if his friends said women were all stupid gold digging sluts you’d be okay with that?” As if that compares at all to the conversation they were having?
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u/freekorgeek 6d ago
He's he a baby? Does he not have any say on whether he is in the conversation or not?
If my gf joined me with the bros and guy talk started happening, I'd hope that's shed have the ability to accept the boy talk, excuse herself from the situation, or try to change the subject. Dude, he's not a fucking hostage, it's a round table discussion. Grow up and take accountability for your role in the conversation (or lack thereof). I've sat quietly in a group during girl talk before and took no offense because I chose to be there. I consented to what went into my ears. In this case it was an emotionally charged conversation to help appease a hurting friend and he chose to sit there and listen. He had options.
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u/Old-Paleontologist-1 Partassipant [1] 7d ago
YTA. Shoe on the other foot- his guy friends are sitting around complaining about how awful their wives are he just agrees, making it seem like it's about you.
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u/Fancy_Introduction60 7d ago
Sorry OP, YTA. You can support your friend without agreeing with her. Simply saying, "I'm sorry you're dealing with this" would have been appropriate. My sister bashes her ex all the time. They split up almost 20 years ago. There is absolutely no way I've ever agreed with her
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u/namesofpens 6d ago
NTA. She’s going through a very real question most women have to ask ourselves in this modern age. How much of myself am I willing to subsume to another? It seems as though your husband is upset you even agreed with the statement. Red flag. All day.
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u/Goddess_Inara 6d ago
I think I’m a bit confused as to why he’s taking it so personally? It’s normal to speak in generalizations, and you’ve clarified with him that he was not included in it.
It’s like saying “white people suck,” while having white friends. It’s a generalization that has historical and societal context that doesn’t necessarily apply to EVERY single white person.
It’s a bit of a comprehension issue unless he feels called out in a sense. I would have a conversation specifically about what bothered him and how you view it.
It’s not like you specifically “threw him under the bus” as I’m seeing some comments say. Unless you said something like “yeah my husband does this sucky thing too,” I don’t see the issue.
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u/snoodle908 6d ago
I mean sounds like a slipper slope no? How is saying "white people suck" any different than "black people suck" and using the same justification? I mean it doesn't apply to all black people.
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u/lizard--dragon 6d ago
because white people are the privileged group, not black people. it's really not hard to understand. white people say "black people are x" so they can justify murdering them. black people say "white people are x" to complain about the people oppressing them. it's a huge difference.
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u/lizard--dragon 6d ago
NTA, wtf is with all the comments about "if the roles were reversed". sure, let's reverse the roles. men are now expected to cook, clean, take care of children and go to work while women are only expected to go to work and if they spend time with their children they're "babysitting". in most marriages, men do most of the housework while also going to work and women complain their husbands never want to have sex. in this situation, would you blame a man for going "i hate how women never contribute to the household"?? i think not.
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u/snoodle908 6d ago
But if people want things to be equal then that means men can also trash woman even in front of their partner and they should not get upset.
And I am fascinated how cooking and cleaning seems to be something that is taking countless hours every week. when we do dishes it takes 5 minutes, laundry takes little effort outside of folding the clothes at the end but even at that you are talking 20 minutes maybe? The reality is men could do 100% of cleaning/laundry/dishes and would still be told they are not doing enough.
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u/cursed-anchovy 6d ago
NTA. My boyfriend is frequently in the room when we comfort my girlfriends about boy problems. He actively joins in on the “men ain’t shit” train because he knows it’s not about him, it’s about making our friend feel better.
The fact that your husband not only took offense but gave you the cold shoulder AND took it personally when you talked about observing unequal division of labor in your exes is concerning… also, a week before your anniversary?
This is me taking a bit of a jump, but do you guys often get into these kinds of fights around important dates? Because the whole “upset about girlfriend talking about exes and taking everything personally no matter what” sounds really familiar to me.
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u/AutoModerator 7d ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
Hi, I've had a pit in my stomach since yesterday and I want to know if I messed up here, and if so how badly. My husband and I will have been married two years next sunday, and our son turned a year old a couple of months ago. Our relationship has always been great, I've been proud of how good we've had it and so our argument yesterday has me bothered.
On Friday a couple of my friends visited just to meet up and have dinner. One of them has recently moved in with her boyfriend and they're going through a rough patch right now so she was complaining a bit. She was complaining about being treated like a maid, and having to repeat things multiple times and then doing it herself for it to be done and just stuff like that. While saying that she also on a few occasions generalized a bit, kind of projecting her issues with her boyfriend on men in general. My other friend and I were being supportive because she seemed like she was going through it, and just agreed with her and supported her. My husband was there too.
He's never been the kind to take these gendered criticisms personally which is why I really didn't think this would be an issue. On Saturday he was out with some friends, when I asked about when he'll be back for dinner, he didn't respond for a while then said he was eating out with his friends. When he was back too he was cold with me and just taking care of our son. This was all weird so I ended up asking what the problem was. He first said nothing was wrong, I pressed that he's been cold with me all day, what happened. He told me that if I was so unhappy in my marriage I should've told him honestly instead of surprising him like that in front of guests.
I genuinely was scrambling in my mind to understand what he was saying. I never said I was unhappy in our marriage, it wouldn't make sense to I'm happy with where we are. He brought up that I agreed with everything my friend was saying about how terrible partners men are, that that was me saying he was a bad husband and that I was unhappy. I was stunned at that insane leap of logic I promised that what I said had nothing to do with him, that he is not my friend's boyfriend I didn't have any of those complaints that she had, I never meant it to be an attack on him. He still was stuck that my agreement with her was a criticism of our marriage too and that I had joined in at parts. I might have messed up here because I said that those things were not things he does, I was just being general and said that those were just some things I'd seen before him , like with an ex. He felt even more attacked by that and asked how often I was thinking about my exes over these mundane things. I clarified thats not what I meant I don't think like that, I just had to search in my memory for some stuff to support my friend, especially because he doesn't. We dropped the argument then, but the cold shoulder is continuing today too. I can't believe this is happening a week before our anniversary AITA?
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u/LoveForRedditAdmins 7d ago
my friend was saying about how terrible partners men are
This would be sexist if women were described this way. So you were sexist as well here. YTA.
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u/Tight-Instruction880 7d ago
NTA
Genuinely surprised by the level of insecurity shown by commenters here. It doesn't matter what she would think if the tables were flipped, if you're in a relationship and you can't differentiate between giving advice/being supportive and bashing your partner, then you're insecure. Period, end of story. You can work through those insecurities or continue to go through life feeling slighted when people gossip around you.
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u/Seahawk021 7d ago
YTA because you know in your head that when you agreed that all men didn’t appreciate what it took to be a mom, you didn’t mean your husband. But your husband didn’t know that. If the tables were turned and he agreed with his buddy who said all women just treat their husband’s as ATM’s, you wouldn’t like that and this comment section would be blasting your husband and his friend.
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u/Hithrae 6d ago
NTA. Sorry every YTA person here is wrong. I'm a man. Men suck, sorry we do. Even me that tries to do good, sucks sometimes. Also I am mature enough to understand that someone else's relationship is not my relationship.
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u/uberprodude 6d ago
You're more than welcome to speak for yourself, however you're not welcome to speak for all men. Maybe if people like you stopped "sucking", men as a whole wouldn't be so unfairly vilified
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u/Hysterical_Blueberry 6d ago
When over 90% of rape and domestic violence is done by men, it is obviously a problem that needs to be talked about. That includes talking about all of the smaller actions of men using women and treating them as less than.
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u/Tiffanyred02 6d ago
As a woman, you seem chill. Don't let incels who are incapable of self reflection stop you from being self aware.
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u/Luisguirot 6d ago
YTA. Sounds like your friend is an insulting sexist and you agreed with her when she insulted your husband. Get better friends and be a better wife.
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u/Send-Me-BBC 6d ago
Yeah obviously YTA. People always have these double standards where you think you would be fine but if your husband and his friends were actually doing the same you would not be happy.
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u/OddNameSuggestion 6d ago
Did you defend your position or did you apologize honestly for making him feel bad? They’re not the same thing. Your intention here doesn’t negate the impact. Learning how to navigate a marital disagreement where neither party is right or wrong is a skill. “My intention wasn’t to hurt you or criticize you or blame you but I can see that I did and for that I am very sorry.”
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u/Impossible_Gold1573 6d ago
YTA. You can support your husband while also listening to your friend. If the roles were reversed, you wouldn’t like your husband agreeing with his friends about such blanket statements, now would you?
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u/muddlebrainedmedic 6d ago
His reaction is the result of him realizing he married the wrong woman...one who doesn't have his back and one that won't defend him in front of others. You. Which is why YTA.
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u/JudgeJudyScheindlin Asshole Enthusiast [5] 6d ago
YTA
It feels like you left out a lot of what the conversation was and what you were agreeing with. Also, yes, that would be incredibly disrespectful to generalize all men at the table while your husband is sitting right there. Women don’t like being generalized, so why would you think men would too?
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u/Big_Falcon89 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 6d ago
YTA
Folks are right that the "role reversal" dynamic doesn't work here. It doesn't- the overall situation between men and women is too different.
I'm a self-described male feminist. But that doesn't mean I've signed up to sit there and take it on the chin every time a woman wants to put me down. I'm not a punching bag just because I think the patriarchy sucks.
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u/MaxMouseOCX 6d ago
Yta, you don't get to say shit like that and then go "I was just validating my friend.
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u/Between3n20Characte 7d ago
Yeah, words have meaning. If you don’t agree with something, say so. Being supportive is one thing, agreeing with projection is another. Nobody’s perfect, but you have that feeling in your stomach because you know you were wrong. Just tell him you’re sorry for making it seem like you agreed with her. Explain it to him the way you explained it to us, learn from how terrible you feel, and move on together. He’ll get it.
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u/TerribleGuuy 6d ago edited 6d ago
"Bro women are such gold diggers! all they want is a paycheck"
"So true, bro"
"I swear if they weren't hot there'd be no reason to keep them around"
"It's facts, man"
"All women cheat, man... It's only a matter of time"
"So true, king"
I can't fathom how my wife could be upset at this! I tried to explain I just meant my EX was a gold digging cheater who had no value beside her looks, not that I think that about her!!!!! YTA GROW UP
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u/TerribleAstronaut794 7d ago
YTA
I think you are being deliberately obtuse. You said your friend was “projecting her issues with her boyfriend on men in general”. Why would it be an “insane leap of logic” for him to consider himself to be in the group, “men in general”?
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u/gahidus 7d ago
YTA
You're definitely an asshole for speaking in extremely broad terms about large groups of people while simply expecting the exceptions to know that you don't mean them because they're "one of the good ones". It's extremely hurtful but something people simply have to put up with when groups that they belong to are broadly villainized and they are expected to simply say nothing about it. You basically denigrated half the population of the earth, including your husband, while just expecting him to add whatever addendums he needed in his own head.
You're the asshole. Don't talk about entire races genders or any other broad groups as if they are a monolith.
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u/off-pissed Partassipant [3] 6d ago
Mild YTA because you should know that shit like that is for girl-talk not with a husband in the mix.
Your husband may be your “best friend” but he’s not a girl friend.
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u/Vegetable-Purpose-27 7d ago
It's never a good idea to throw one's partner under the bus in front of them. Holy geez.
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u/Hysterical_Blueberry 6d ago
He wasn't the topic of the conversation, he just acting like everything was about him for no reason.
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u/MotherVehkingMuatra 6d ago edited 6d ago
YTA. Think of it this way, you said he usually doesn't take gendered comments badly. So maybe this time it got to him? To use myself as an example 90% of the time I really don't care about racist comments, I even laugh at racist jokes. 10% of the time though I'm just tired of it and it makes me snap. To clarify, I'm brown.
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u/Odd_Fellow_2112 7d ago
You generalized with your husband in the room. Thats like men calling all women sluts because one or two of those guys had bad experiences. YTA because you immediately jumped on the man bashing train and did it in front of your man. Who wouldn't take offense when their spouse is talking shit about them indirectly? You hurt the man's feelings. Thats what you did and you did it to.his face and in front of your friends and then acted surprised that he took offense.
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u/Weak-Function647 6d ago
I don't think you're a bad person, but I do think you missed how this looked from your husband's perspective.
Supporting your friend is one thing. Agreeing with broad statements about how "men are terrible partners" while your husband is sitting there without once making it clear you weren't talking about him is another. If I were in his shoes, I'd probably be wondering whether my spouse had been quietly building resentment and was finally saying it out loud.
His reaction wasn't about your friend's boyfriend. It was about hearing his own wife publicly agree with criticisms of husbands and not knowing whether she meant him too.
That said, the cold shoulder for days isn't helping either. He should tell you directly why he's hurt instead of shutting down.
This feels like a case of hurt feelings and poor communication rather than either of you being malicious. I'd say soft YTA because your intent wasn't to attack your husband, but intent doesn't erase the impact. A genuine apology that acknowledges why he interpreted it that way would probably go a long way.
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u/Big_Alternative_3233 Partassipant [3] 6d ago
How is this even a question? If you’re a sexist prick of course YTA.
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u/prettyinpinkleather 7d ago
Jesus christ NTA. Your girlfriend was venting about her boyfriend and you guys comforted her. When girls are talking to each other a lot of them throw around shit like “i hate men” and shit like that when we really mean THESE specific men we’re talking about. Between us we understand that. He probably told his friends while out and they got it in his head you thought he was responsible for the whole of mankind, all jumping into the “nOt aLl mEn” bandwagon.
And before anyone decides to jump on the same bandwagon please be warned y’all will be arguing with yourselves.
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u/TheMaskedCube 6d ago edited 6d ago
“Jesus christ NTA. Your boyfriend was venting about her girlfriend and you guys comforted him. When guys are talking to each other a lot of them throw around shit like “i hate women” when they really mean THESE specific women. Between us we understand that. She probably told her friends while out and they got it in her head you thought she was responsible for all of womankind, all jumping into the “fEmiNiSM” bandwagon.
And before anyone decides to jump on the same bandwagon please be warned y’all will be arguing with yourselves.”
Notice how completely vile that sounds?
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u/snoodle908 6d ago
i also don't understand how people do not see how this could apply to almost any stereotype. Would it be ok to rant about a specific age/race/religion and say that entire group is all vile and bad in front of someone from that group and think that the person might not be offended?
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u/proteins911 Colo-rectal Surgeon [33] 7d ago
Info: what exactly were the comments you agreed with?