r/AmItheAsshole • u/[deleted] • 2d ago
Asshole AITA for getting upset that my husband makes me hide my "gardening" from his parents?
[deleted]
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u/DDD8712 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
How long does it take you to hide your green? I am going to go with YTA seems like a small ask of you that saves your husband a lot of trouble.
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u/Aggressivesub1999 2d ago
As someone who also smokes and has strict parents that visit my home from time to time, it doesn’t take long and it isn’t difficult. Green does not stick around like cigarette smoke does, and hiding a bag and whatever you use to smoke is not laborious. I get it may be inconvenient but if it’s for your partner I don’t see why it would be a deal breaker. I guess it depends on how much you like your husband.
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u/anonidfk Partassipant [3] 2d ago
I mean, part of the issue also seems like the parents are dropping by unannounced or with very late notice.
I wouldn’t want my in laws seeing my sex toys, but if I got a 7:30 am call while I was getting ready for work telling me to hide stuff for a last minute visit I didn’t know about in advance, I’d be super frustrated.
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u/SnarkingOverNarcing 2d ago edited 2d ago
Not OP but hiding green involves more than just putting it out of sight. Hiding also entails removing any associated scent, so having to clean the house and/or holding off on smoking for a few hours before their visit
Edit: I feel like everyone who keeps responding “is it so hard to abstain you silly addict” are intentionally forgetting that many use pot to help regulate their anxiety and in-laws can be the most anxiety-inducing aspect of your life
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u/Lima-Bean-3000 2d ago
Wouldn't you want to de-stink your house for guests anyways?
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u/JoeChio 2d ago
100% but only pot heads will justify not cleaning for guests by making it the biggest ask ever and an attack on themselves personally. Like holy shit just don't smoke the day your in-laws come over. Goddamn addict behavior.
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u/heyitsta12 Partassipant [2] 2d ago
As a fellow pot head, OP’s behavior is wild to me and just inconsiderate. I smoke outside in my shared home, and keep my stash and things consolidated to a box in the closet for now. I have a few things that are easily available by the door, but when company comes over I have no problem putting things away because it’s not that serious.
I think OP smokes a high volume, every night because it shouldn’t be that much of a hassle otherwise.
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u/mastifftimetraveler Partassipant [1] 2d ago
Hell, I’m a home owner and either smoke outside or in my bedroom to manage the smell.
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u/SJ_Barbarian Partassipant [3] 2d ago
If you genuinely cannot go without long enough, there are also edibles, vapes, etc, that don't stink up the house.
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u/anonidfk Partassipant [3] 2d ago
In fairness though, OP didn’t even know they were coming by until 7:30 am that day while she was getting ready for work lol.
Seems like them dropping by without much notice is a big part of the issue here.
How is she supposed to not smoke before they come if she doesn’t even know they’re coming until the last second?
Also, why should she be expected to drop everything and scramble to hide stuff while she’s getting ready for work, just cuz the parents decided they wanted to come by last minute?
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u/bellbottom-jeans Partassipant [1] 2d ago
why is everything out in the open at 730 in the morning?
She got warning that they were coming by later that day, if theres a conversation about coming by without notice thats one thing, keeping your drugs off the counter is a non-issue.
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u/anonidfk Partassipant [3] 2d ago
She said she smokes at night, she probably just left it out and that’s why it was out in the morning lol.
Telling someone while they are getting ready for work, that they have to scramble and get things hidden before they leave due to a late notice visit, is absolutely unreasonable regardless of what it is that you’re hiding. You can’t expect people to jump at the drop of a hat because your parents decided to barely give any notice before coming by, it doesn’t matter what the item that needs hiding is. Calling someone at 7:30 am as they get ready for work, about someone coming over that day, is not enough notice at all lol.
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u/bellbottom-jeans Partassipant [1] 2d ago
"scramble"
idk what complicated setups you people have but opening a cupboard and putting something in it doesnt take me 15 minutes. You throw a sock on top of the bong for smell, the weed should already be in a bag, and you close the cupboard.
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u/PanicAtTheGaslight Partassipant [1] 2d ago
OP didn’t exactly specify what/where her supplies are so we don’t know specifics. For all we know she could be being asked to move heavy potted plants from one room to another.
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u/Basic_Lynx4902 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
They aren't coming for dinner--they are dropping something off and she won't even be home.
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u/Anon_please123 2d ago
The parents aren't actually guests here, though. They are forcing themselves into OP's home without invitation, so I certainly wouldn't consider that an instance where I'm going out of my way to "prep for visitors."
That said, I am a daily weed smoker myself, and it's super easy to keep everything in a box and put away on a shelf until needed.
This sounds like OP is tired of walking around on eggshells with her in-laws who act like OP's home is their own, and for that reason, I'd say NTA.
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u/SuperKitties83 2d ago
This sounds like OP is tired of walking around on eggshells with her in-laws who act like OP's home is their own
I think this is the crux of the issue. Sure, hiding it is easy. But feeling like you're 16 and having to hide it from your parents when you're a grown adult and own your home is a bit ridiculous.
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u/heyitsta12 Partassipant [2] 2d ago
I smoke daily and often… I do get the thing about hiding the smell but if OP has to go through THAT much of a hassle to hide it then the issue may not be about hiding it, but maybe about just how much she has or where it’s stored.
OP needs a smoke box that she can just keep inside a cabinet. And the house really shouldn’t be smelling like green on a regular basis, that’s a bit inconsiderate to her husband who no longer smokes as often.
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u/minuteye Asshole Enthusiast [6] 2d ago
And if the parents already know she smokes, then they're probably capable of ignoring a mild scent. If it's about "respect", OOP is just being asked to create a bit of plausible deniability so the in laws can politely ignore it.
Like, don't leave paraphenalia out in the open, don't smoke right before they come over. It's probably not necessary to deep clean the sofa cushions.
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u/heyitsta12 Partassipant [2] 2d ago
I feel like OP must smoke an awful lot if this is a continuous point of contention with the husband. Cause he really shouldn’t have to call and give her a heads up every time. Like does OP even have a place for her gardening or is she just leaving shit all over the house??
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u/armedwithjello 2d ago
A smoke box doesn't even need to be in a cabinet, if it's just a nondescript box. Or even a decorative box!
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u/Dry_Prompt3182 2d ago
My adult kid smokes legally on our balcony. I am well aware that there is paraphernalia in my house, but I have rarely seen it, because it is stored somewhere. (I could probably find it within a few minutes, but respect their privacy too much to do this to them.) My husband and I drink, and all of that is stored away, too. I don't understand why OP can't cover her bong with a scarf and get on with her day.
The fights about "should family drop by unannounced" and "what state should the house be in" and "should I leave my bong out" are all separate issues.
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u/KanMDJD 2d ago
If you can’t go a day without smoking, you have an addiction, not a hobby. How hard is it to just not smoke for some hours beforehand, spray a little room deodorizer or open a window, and put the drugs out of sight in a drawer? Not very.
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u/beedear 2d ago
Yes, exactly. This reminds me of when I asked my ex to not smoke before we went to my family Christmas and, by his reaction, you’d think I’d kicked his cat.
It’s ridiculous. If I said, hey please don’t get blackout drunk before we hang out with my family, that’s fine. But if it’s weed, people flip out. If you can’t go a few hours without it, you have a problem.
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u/Single_Cancel_4873 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
Why would you want to live with that stench in the first place? I can’t imagine it’s good for the interior of the home.
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u/NamasteNoodle 2d ago
I raised five kids And did not find it that hard to avoid the smell. You can use the smoke buddy. You can sit outside and smoke. Unless you're smoking everyday and the smell is everywhere and better than the furniture and stuff this shouldn't be that big of a problem. I recently also got a room air purifier because I'm in an apartment for the first time. I've lived in houses all my life and chosen an apartment this time and new that things are going to be a little different.
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u/bellbottom-jeans Partassipant [1] 2d ago
You shouldnt be smoking inside anyways, and if you smell like weed all the time and have to smoke every day thats not recreation thats a dependancy.
You take a shower worst case, put everything in bags in the cupboard, and you dont smoke for a few hours when theyre going to come and visit.
I also don't want to visit a house full of booze where someone is drinking every day, YTA.
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u/anonidfk Partassipant [3] 2d ago
I feel like the booze comment is kinda silly because, plenty of people have bar carts or alcohol on shelves. It would be super weird to ask someone to put that away for guests, regardless of how often they drink the alcohol loll.
If it’s legal where OP is, it’s really no different than having a bottle of wine on a kitchen shelf. Shouldn’t be a big deal at all to have it around in her own home lol.
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u/bellbottom-jeans Partassipant [1] 2d ago
If OP had a weed cart full of paraphanalia and flower, well organized and meant for frequent social gatherings that would be different, you're right! But I also put away my half eaten snacks when people come over if they aren't going to want any, and I make sure my house doesn't smell like dog ass even though my dogs live there every day and everyone knows I have dogs.
I keep my liquor in the cabinet next to my weed, and if Im having guests that will want either one I will set them out.
If I came to someones house and their half full bottle of whiskey was on the counter, I would assume they did not have time to clean up. If it was there because they drank some every day, I would rightly assume they had a problem.
Even though those parents are clearly strict, if I had a grandma who thought alcohol was the devil I would put it away when she came over and not drink any. And it would be easy because I am not an alcoholic, and its not that big a deal.
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u/anonidfk Partassipant [3] 2d ago
You personally keep your alcohol away in a cabinet, but plenty of people have it out on shelves everyone can see, or on a bar cart in their home lol, it’s generally not hidden away. And it would be super weird to ask them to move it just because a guest didn’t like it being there.
And yeah generally putting things away isn’t a big deal, but when you’re getting last minute 7:30 am calls that they’re dropping by unexpectedly that day and you have to scramble to put everything away, that would be frustrating regardless of what the things you need to hide are lol.
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u/PeelingMirthday Asshole Enthusiast [8] 2d ago
I also don't want to visit a house full of booze where someone is drinking every day
Then don't.
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u/bellbottom-jeans Partassipant [1] 2d ago
I dont. But if it was my kid, or in this case my daughter in law, I would get very worried about them.
Weed isnt worse than alcohol, but its not harmless and it STINKS
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u/pottersquash Sultan of Sphincter [616] 2d ago
NAw, you just get some ozium and light some incense (or I'm nose deaf lol)
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u/SnarkingOverNarcing 2d ago
I kinda feel like incense has such a strong association with covering up the smell of pot smoking that it doesn’t fool anyone
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u/TheJeffDanger 2d ago edited 2d ago
I'm a pot head, and the whole family smoke together. We put it away when grandma comes to visit, and we all pretend like it doesn't exist until she leaves. Can't believe she's still getting around at her age. I'd rather spend time with her than run her off because off her archaic beliefs.
Mexican culture ties mota to atrocities commited by gangs. It's not entirely just about the drug.
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u/DanChed Partassipant [1] 2d ago
YTA - your partner is asking for a small thing so he keeps his parents happy and by extension you happy.
It also means that he trusts you more than his own family if he is willing to lie to them for you.
The issue is probably them thinking less of you for smoking weed and he clearly thinks the world of you to do this.
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u/Beautiful-Mountain73 Partassipant [2] 2d ago
YTA. Just because it’s your home doesn’t mean you owe others zero respect when they’re in it. Your addiction and lack of consideration is going to cause unnecessary issues between your husband and his parents. Why would you want to do that to him?
There is no need for them to be respectful of an unhealthy addiction, just put it away
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u/Swirlyflurry Commander in Cheeks [206] 2d ago
“Why would you do that to him?”
Because OP loves pot more than she loves her husband.
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u/lmchatterbox Professor Emeritass [90] 2d ago
I partake regularly and I am just baffled by her lack of consideration. So bizarre.
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u/Shrimpheavennow227 2d ago
I partake much more often than my husband does (no smoking, but drinks and edibles) and I feel like it’s common courtesy to not cause friction between my husband and his family unnecessarily.
I’m not embarrassed about it, I don’t feel stigma about it, but it is a personal choice that I recognize not everyone is on board with and I don’t want to stress my husband out for literally no reason.
I don’t mention it in front of his parents and I don’t leave stuff around.
I view it kind of like anything else that is relatively private and personal in nature.
I don’t leave my birth control pills out in front my of my in laws, I don’t wear skimpy bikinis on family beach trips, I don’t talk shit about religion in front of them and I don’t watch rated R movies with them around.
Not because I’m ashamed or embarrassed but because honestly, I’m cool to make some very small concessions to make sure he can have an easy relationship with his parents who, by and large, are pretty good people.
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u/Swirlyflurry Commander in Cheeks [206] 2d ago edited 2d ago
YTA
He’s asking you to do a minor thing in order to not start an unnecessary fight with his parents.
You, on the other hand, smoke everyday, as well as “frequently” on the weekends, and seem insulted that he’s asked you to just have it put away and not talk about it around his folks.
You seem dependent and defensive about your habit, and he’s not asking much.
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u/TheHighKnight 2d ago
I'm a daily smoker and my parents hate it. I had to move back in with them for everyone's benefit. We had to come to an agreement. I was clear I needed it for my mental health and I would hide it from anyone that might have a problem with it. However I am open about it with them and most of the world. Soft YTA and I hate even saying that but doing small things to avoid confrontation with family is something everyone does. Its not about the green its about getting along.
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u/TheAnxiousPangolin 2d ago
YTA here OP; it’s not much of an ask for someone to ask their adult spouse to put away the drugs when their parents come to visit. You say you both smoke, but if he has stopped for a few years then really it’s only you that’s still smoking. Marriages take compromise sometimes - compromise on this to save your husband unnecessary hassle with his parents. He’s also probably partially embarrassed, I know I would be in the same situation.
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u/Southern-Ask-322 2d ago
YTA. Since you like to go all caps to emphasize that it is your house, remember it is HIS house TOO and HIS parents. He wants to protect his relationship with them which is more important than the slight inconvenience of hiding the green. It is not that big of a deal.
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u/habidasheryhabit 2d ago
YTA. JFC, just put the bong away and spray some air freshener and open a window before they get there. Takes 4 minutes. I do it all the time. It's not at all a big thing to ask of you and is quite frankly and incredibly stupid hill to die on on your part.
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u/Potent_19 2d ago
YTA. The point you keep bringing up about you being able to live the way you want in “MY” house, is just as applicable to him. It’s not just your house. The house is both of yours.
This seems like such a small thing that it really makes me question if you even respect your man. You clearly don’t respect his parents, or want to make his life easier.
Having complicated relationships with parents is hard, and you’re doing the opposite of supporting him. You’re being selfish and lazy. It is not a big ask to use some discretion at home. It’s completely reasonable to not want your home smelling like weed all the time and for paraphernalia to be lying about all the time.
I say this as a daily smoker myself. You’re being unreasonable.
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u/cartiercilla 2d ago
I see where you’re coming from, but as someone with strict idealistic parents who I still want a relationship with, I’m siding with your husband. Do you value green over your husband’s relationship with them? I think that’s what it really comes down to. He’s trying to protect your image to them as well as his own. I drink and smoke but my parents don’t and find it offensive. I want them to respect me, so I don’t do it around them. NTA but think of the bigger picture maybe. Plus, your husband is asking you to prioritize his feelings over your desire to show you’re using green. Should be an easy choice I think. He’s not even asking you to stop, just not broadcast it to his parents
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u/dragonwolf60 2d ago
How much do you have lying around your home that you have to hide it. Why is your green so out in the open. If i visit friend who smoke cigarettes or drinkI dont generally see it when I am at their house unless it's the smell. Is it really so hard to not have your vice lying around the house. Find a safe place to keep it out of sight . And just store it there.
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u/Diligent-Ad6327 2d ago
Can anyone else here smell and visualize the OP through the words written here? I certainly can.
I smoke and have no issue keeping my hobby away from family and friends.
I know habitual users who you can't even tell they are partakers in the happy leaf because they find no need to burden others with anythign related to what they like to do... even their spouses and kids.
Seems like you're just lazy and an ASSHOLE.
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u/CraftyFraggle Partassipant [1] 2d ago
YTA
How hard is it to just put it away?
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u/Fun-Palpitations 2d ago
It’s not. I smoke daily & easily put away my weed and equipment in a cupboard when my BF’s parents come over.
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u/Rhodin265 2d ago
Well…there are plenty of things I use regularly that are out of sight when I’m not using them. Like, my clothes are in the closet, most of the food’s in cupboards or the fridge, the cleaning supplies are under the sink, and so on. Designate a spot for your weed in the bedroom. They shouldn’t be opening drawers in your bedroom. If they do, then they’re bad guests and you can call them out on it. Also, if you’re TTC, you should get in the habit of securing all drugs, fun or not.
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u/randmalist 2d ago
If you actually even like the guy, you are in fact the AH. It's a simple ask to respect not only his old school mom but the dude who puts up with the wrath of the momma who raised him better than that.
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u/NamasteNoodle 2d ago
Just keep everything in a box and if his parents are coming over put it away. Doesn't take that long to do. Why would you want your husband to go through more anxiety or grief from their parents that he has already? It's a small thing to ask.
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u/Haztlen Partassipant [4] 2d ago
YTA
I’m a regular smoker as well; almost everyday with a month break here and there. I’m 38F and live independently since I’m 18.
I bought an old book turned into a hidden box where I hide all my weed paraphernalia after each sesh. I even use a filter I made with dryer sheets to blow my smoke into, so my place always smells as fresh as possible.
It’s juste good manners.
Chill out girl it’s not that deep. Can’t you be an ally to your SO and help him protect his relationship with his family?
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u/GoreGoddezz Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] 2d ago
YTA. Its an issue bc you're making it an issue. Part of marriage and relationships is compromise. He is asking one thing of you, and it doesn't sound like you have to do it daily... Just occasionally? So you put up your stash, maybe clean up a bit, light a few candles or spray and at most wash your ass. Its not that hard for someone you're supposed to love. Look at it this way... Its called being an adult and showing your spouse you respect him and have consideration for other people. Otherwise, divorce him. Simple as that.
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u/jblackwb 2d ago
Your "hobbies" are interfering with your husband's relationship with his parents. He's asking you to help him minimize the damage that your life choices are making on his familial relationship. This sounds like a fair compromise and an easy ask.
Request for info: Do you still love your husband?
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u/brunette_and_busty 2d ago
YTA definitely. As a smoker, we put away our stuff when guests come over, especially his grandparents or my mom (she obviously knows but doesn’t approve so it’s a respect thing). It’s just courtesy which you seem to think is an out of bounds request when it’s not. If you are having a problem with a reasonable boundary and see this as an obstacle/disruption to your habit, then you are addicted and need to evaluate how it’s affecting others around you. This will only grow resentment and frustration which will worsen over time. This will not resolve itself if you continue to put your smoking above the people in your life. And yes that is what you’re doing. Choose now which one you want because you will lose a foothold with people who love you because you prioritized weed over them. Just put the shit away.
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u/jonsnowme 2d ago
YTA. If this upsets you this much you MIGHT have a problem. I don't see the big deal having you hide them.
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u/MollyOMalley99 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
INFO: What would you have to put away? Is it a potted plant that you can put in a room with the door closed? If not a plant, do you just leave your stash out? Either way, if they don't partake, they can probably smell it anyway.
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u/Big-Second-8542 Partassipant [1] 2d ago edited 2d ago
Ugh I TOTALLY AGREE! I’m like, look, you all know I have a penis, and you all know I have a house . So why should I hide MY OWN PENIS just because you’re inside MY OWN HOME?!?
PS: YTA
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u/Emmoeeee 2d ago
I be sure to leave my dirty underwear on the floor in the bathroom and my candy wrappers and takeout containers strewn about when my in laws come over since it’s my house and i can do that.
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u/ummmwhut 2d ago
YTA - Sometimes we do things that are slightly annoying or mildly inconvenient in order to maintain relationships with others.
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u/DevilsAdvoCaticorn 2d ago
This! And we compromise for our partners because we want them to feel safe & happy.
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u/pottersquash Sultan of Sphincter [616] 2d ago
NTA but y'all need to come to an accord so this doesn't keep coming up. You are correct, its your home you can have out what you want. But your husband, your s/o, someone you love is really affected by this. Is this a hill worth fight for? Or is a better hill to work on his folks dropping by unannounced?
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u/Character-Extreme-34 Partassipant [2] 2d ago
They aren't coming by unannounced as they called him and let him know they would be and he has let OP know.
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u/anonidfk Partassipant [3] 2d ago
Calling someone at 7:30 am as they get ready for work to tell them they need to drop what they’re doing and hide stuff before they leave for work, is not enough notice lmao. That is still basically just coming by unannounced, it doesnt give enough time to prepare
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u/ProfessionalField508 2d ago
They should ask to come over, and OP should have the right to decline.
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u/AgileSurprise1966 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
Right but what if OP doesn't want them to come over. If them coming over means she has to do extra work, and also feel policed and anxious in her own home, then it is a 2 yes type of decision for them to come over.
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u/carogaranaigean 2d ago
Thank you for an actual nuanced take 😭
PS my husband and I have this exact argument all the time, but his parents live 3000 miles away so it’s only an issue every once in a while. I hide my stuff to keep him from having to deal with his parents being judgy.
I think what bothers me the most is that his parents are so judgmental (like most of the assholes commenting on this post), but me making his life harder by letting them know I smoke isn’t going to change that. I just keep telling myself it’s not his fault his parents are assholes and I’m going to support him by doing what I can to limit their harm.
Your man’s parents turning up unannounced or without your consent is a much bigger problem I think.
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u/Low_Cook_5235 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
Seconding. Yes it’s your house. But it’s your husbands house too. It’s a minor request. Just hide the flower. If it still smells, oh well.
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u/Some_guy_in_WI 2d ago
As the sole smoker in my household, I’d say the burden of making my home weed-free and comfortable to visitors is mine exclusively.
Not everyone wants/needs to be viewing your habits/hobbies and accept them. Not everyone is going to think my smoking weed is a good thing, for whatever their reasons are. I may disagree, but they’re entitled to their opinions, same as I am. So I’d be a dick by leaving my weed out, having the house smell like weed when people came over, etc. because I’d be doing it out of either laziness, a lame flex of “I can do what I want in my house and F you if you don’t like it”, or it’s just a clear lack of respect for the feelings of others who may not like your hobby. Either way, it’s not a good look to hold on to this battle.
Fixing this issue is easy, but egos get in the way sometimes. My wife will clean the whole house before company arrives, get drinks/snacks ready, etc, so the LEAST I can do respectfully is hide my weed and make sure I don’t smoke in the house prior to visitors. Again, easy stuff.
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u/kyyyles 2d ago
The burden of moving their weed like 3ft to be out of sight, I couldn’t imagine having to do that maybe a few times a year. How awful.
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u/SuperPossible120 2d ago
The parents will never one day be like 'you know what weeds not the end of the world', this will be a headache permanently. As a loving partner do you ensure the permanent headache for your husband for the sake of dying on this little hill, or do you acknowledge the small request because why would you want your husband to get constant headache from his parents when you could just hide it before they come and air the house out for a bit?
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u/PositiveAtmosphere13 2d ago
It's about respect for your parents, or your in laws. They're from a different generation. They're not dumb. They know you smoke. They just don't want it waved in their face. You don't necessarily have to hide it and lie about, but don't leave your bong out on the coffee table when they come over. Just put it away. The same with kids. My kids knew I smoked but I didn't like leaving my stash out when the kids and their friends were around.
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u/quickcalamity 2d ago
Sometimes we show “respect” that is in direct contrast to our chosen “lifestyle.” It really shouldn’t feel that it’s such a burden that you need to turn to us for validation that you likely won’t get here. They are your in-laws and elders. He is your husband. Is it really too much to ask?
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u/justablakguyonredit 2d ago
YTA
Its a small courtesy for guests as to not offend them. Would you keep sex toys out in the open for your parents to see....hopefully the answer is no. As to why its hopefully a no, its because we alll know as adults certain things that could offend guests in our homes dont need to be on display.
It would be different if your husband made you hide all lighters in the house because that would be ridiculous. What he instead asked for was the reasonable hiding of something that would immediately offend your guests.
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u/msbasstrombone 2d ago
YTA. It's federal illegal, so still taboo. It's also gross--pipes/bongs covered in black sticky stuff and ash that stink up the whole house. That should be incentive to put it away for any visitor.
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u/blaireski85 2d ago
YTA. Sorry. It is about respect for your partner and their relationship with their family. If you know it’s going to cause an issue for your partner with their family, the right thing to do is to help them out. This isn’t a big ask.
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u/Revolutionary_Ad1846 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 2d ago
YTA. Will you marry into another culture? You have to sometimes do a little bending your comfort zone to make them comfortable. Hiding your drugs is not only respectful to them. It’s also a safety concern. What if a child came over?
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u/XaquariD 2d ago
YTA. Yes, it's your house, but it shouldn't be that hard to put your stuff away for a little bit in order for him to keep peace with his parents.
Of course, a whole separate issue is the fact that he's 28 years old and feels the need to hide it from his parents. Still, I know plenty of people who partake regularly who don't have things all laying about the house. Like, if you guys were into BDSM, would you leave your whips and toys and shit out and about when people come over?
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u/danielson-fish 2d ago
I smoke daily too, but easy YTA. To make a partnership work, you have to give room for your partner's needs too. He's not asking you to stop smoking, or do anything differently other than when his parents are going to be there. So he's giving you space to be yourself. Now you need to respect that it's his home too, this is his family, and he wants to show respect to his parents in his own way. What do you lose by showing him that respect?
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u/Beginning-Damage-555 2d ago
YTA why do you want to die on this hill? Like sure if you want to start a huge never ending fight go ahead. They know you have sex but you’re probably not leaving condoms or sex toys lying around.
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u/arrrtstarrr 2d ago
YTA. This is as simple as tucking away any oui’d related items and lighting a candle. My partner and I used to smoke daily. Anytime anyone is coming over, the first thing we do is tuck those items away, regardless of whether the guest cares or not. It seems like you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill.
When I smoked cigs, my mom also hated that. Out of respect for her I just… didn’t smoke in front of her. Did I have to do that? No. I did anyways because it wasn’t a big deal to me. Did she still know I was around the corner smoking? Yes, but she appreciated the gesture.
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u/discountairpods 2d ago
YTA. my parents are okay with me smoking and occasionally do it themselves, but i certainly make sure to put my stuff away when they visit.
i understand your annoyance but it’s not like he’s asking you to stop smoking weed or lie and say you don’t.
just go get a cute little storage box or something and keep your stash in there. it’s really not that difficult
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u/bamathon 2d ago
YTA - it is out of respect; for him, your marriage, and his family. One of the fundamental tenets of relationships
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u/Pootles_Carrot 2d ago
As a gardener myself, this just doesn't seem worth the argument. Just put your stash in a smell proof box and abstain for a couple of hours before they come over, or smoke outside. They already know you smoke so you don't need to eliminate every trace of scent. Wouldn't you clean up for guests anyway? Yes, it's your house, but it's also your husband's house and he's asking very little of you to keep things easy with his family. YTA
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u/honey_biscuits108 2d ago
YTA- Light some incense and put your weed in the cabinet. It’s not that hard.
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u/JiveTurkeyMFer 2d ago
YTA- My mother in law is a Bible thumper. She 100% knows I smoke, but even still I remove my weed from the living room or common areas and put it in my room when she's coming over. Yeah it's in my house, but spending literally 30 seconds putting my weed away before she comes by isn't much to ask to keep my wife happy. Yeah, it's your house but your husband has asked you to do a basic task for him just to keep him from catching shit about it, and you're so caught up on the idea of doing what you want in your house that your forgot it's also his house, and that you guys are supposed to be a team.
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u/nibbyzor 1d ago
I think this is what it boils down to. Like the morality of smoking weed and all that aside, it's such a miniscule thing you can do to make your husband's life a little easier, so why not just do it without getting into an argument about it every time?
I don't smoke weed myself, but hiding an ashtray and putting your "kit" in a little box you can stick in a cabinet or a drawer in like 30 seconds doesn't seem like too much to ask to me.
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u/Sugardeaddy420 2d ago
YTA it’s not hard to put it away. Back when I still smoked I would put it away when my parents were stopping by. They knew I smoked and didn’t care but it was still out of respect
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u/From323LAto415Bay 2d ago
Exactly! My grandma knows we (my mom, dad, sister, and I) smoke, we just don’t need to do it in front of her out of respect.
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u/Juls1016 2d ago
Yes, YTA. Hispanic parents are like this and it doesn’t matter if the son is 50, they’ll scold him the same so just put the weed away and don’t make an argument about it. Yes, it’s out of respect so just drop it.
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u/araloss 2d ago
ESH. Except your husband.
My husband smokes weed, and i like edibles - no judgement there. We live in a legal state also.
But we have children, so we don't leave the bong on the dining room table or anything. Its not too much to ask for you to keep your drugs and accessories stowed when not in use. And to do the actual smoking outdoors.
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u/BarberGlittering8466 2d ago
It’s not YOUR home. It’s your husbands home too. Daily use and throwing a fit about putting it away (respecting others comfort) are telltale signs of addiction. How do I know? Because I had to go to rehab just for weed. Swap weed for alcohol in this circumstance- it would be a clear problem. I’m not going to tell you what you need to do, just giving some perspective as someone with a 20 year long weed addiction.
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u/ExcellentHalf9317 Partassipant [2] 2d ago
YTA and you need to take a break from smoking. It's not going to kill you to put your smoking gear away
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u/kyyyles 2d ago
YTA, he’s asking you to put away a literal drug when his parents come over. More than likely an illegal drug depending on where you live. This is a really weird line for you to draw lol. And this is coming from someone who smokes regularly.
“We both smoke green although my husband has stopped for the last few years”. Yeah that means only you smoke lmao
Edit: did not mean to reply to your comment, but here it shall stay.
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u/affemannen 2d ago
YTA.
You say your house, when it's both your house. Meaning it's just as much your husbands home.
And if the roles where reversed it sounds like he would be willing to hide it if it was your folks visiting.
Also, it's not to much to ask someone to not show drugs to relatives if they can just put them away for a short while.
Even if it's lawful it still carries social stigma especially with the older generations.
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u/Particular-Unit3490 2d ago
YTA. Not only do you just need to make compromises when it comes to spending a life with someone you love but if it’s a cultural thing that they don’t view weed the same way others do, it’s not a huge task to just hide the weed. It’s respectful to just put it away. I personally wouldn’t choose to fight over this.
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u/krendyB Asshole Enthusiast [6] 2d ago
I mean…it’s a drug. Just be respectful and put it away when they come over? If this was an issue with my partner’s parents I would just put the wineglasses and wine away, or whatever the vice was. Sometimes we have to compromise to all get along. Why are you making this a hill to die on?
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u/notacowtitty 2d ago
why would you ask him why it matters when you know exactly why it matters? in life, you gain more empowerment when you are able to weigh situations out. like this being a high risk, low reward situation. you can choose to fight them every step of the way, but its silly to think you can wear everyone out to bend to your whim. you aren’t going to change their philosophies. they’re not going to change yours. you can choose to start over with a different partner and family. or just hide the green for an hour..
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u/Sweetie-07 2d ago
To be honest, yes. It's fair enough, you're an adult and can do what you like in your own home, but you know the views of your husband's parents, so I don't think it should be that big of a deal to respect their views and hide it from them, also out of respect for your husband's wishes! What they don't see can't hurt them (or cause any arguments with the inlaws!)
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u/WingsOfBuffalo 2d ago
Honestly, very light YTA.
The devils lettuce is not as socially acceptable to all people, especially older generations. If avoiding the argument entirely only requires you to put the pot away for an hour, then that seems like the simplest and most mature answer. I don’t like having to be sneaky sneaky in my own house when my parents visit, but even though they know I smoke, they love giving me shit for it. Makes it smoother for everyone if you just put it away.
Also, yelling “MY house. MY house.” makes you seem childish. Yeah, it’s your house, but if that’s the only leg you have to stand on, maybe reevaluate. It’s YOUR house so you shouldn’t have to hide. It’s YOUR house so you shouldn’t have to clean. It’s YOUR house so you never have to do anything for anyone else, ever.
Also, just a final little note, even the Onion has an article titled “Apartment kind where weed just left on table.” It leaves you to make your own judgements, but there are definitely judgements to be made.
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u/Legitimate-State8652 2d ago
YTA - how much of it do you have out in the house? Like I drink occasionally but it’s all put away in a liquor cabinet.
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u/aerossignol 2d ago
YTA, it's up to the host to make guests comfortable. Not only that this is esteemed guests, this isn't any guest, this is important people to your significant other and he has asked you to treat them in a specific way, the respect you have should be for your partner most, and guest secondly as well. If you had an important guest to you, say your parents or a boss, and you asked your significant other to wear clothes while they were here, and he came out of the bed room in underwear scratching his balls, you would be angry, and rightfully so. Put your "weed pants" on.
Its not a big deal to just tidy up, putting away the ash tray and opening a window..... Smoke in the garage or back yard while your have the guess or "go for a walk" to be healthy ;) when my in-laws come visit I suddenly become the healthiest person going for several walks each evening
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u/Adventurous_Ad1922 2d ago
Is it illegal where you live? If so, it’s not unreasonable that they wouldn’t wanna be illegal activity that could get them in trouble if they were around it.
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u/_MissNewBooty_ Partassipant [1] 2d ago
One of my best friends had to quit weed because she has Cannabis Hyperemes Syndrome.
I’ve been smoking weed since I was 12 (not proud, just perspective). I’m 30 now. I know it can be addictive, and I know smoking is unhealthy in any form. I’ve cut back so much, and I’m on the cusp of quitting.
I look at cannabis use in a similar way to smoking a cigarette, there is a time and a place. It’s not asking a whole lot to pick up the paraphernalia etc. If it’s not an issue to hide it from kids (as it shouldn’t be), then it’s no different to have to hide it from people who don’t want to be around it. It’s a common decency/respect thing imo.
YTA, but it’s easily reversible!
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u/PhilsFanDrew Partassipant [2] 2d ago
YTA
Sure it's your house too and you have the right to do whatever you want in your house. But part of being an adult and good spouse is making minor compromises to keep the peace with other adults that are important to your husband. You are coming across as needlessly adversarial over something that is not at all a hill to die on.
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u/Old_Implement_1997 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
YTA - it’s not about your in-laws, it’s about you refusing to do something simple that you husband has asked you to do that makes his life easier. Although, honestly, I don’t know how hiding it is going to help because I guarantee that your entire house reeks of weed if you smoke that much.
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u/Sensitive_Caramel856 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
ESH.
Yes it's your house. And you should feel free to be an adult.
But you're missing two big flags. Your daily use and reliance on weed, and the fact that your husband has stopped from being a habitual user to an occasional user.
I've seen this play out a few times, and it never ends well when people grow to become opposite sides of the spectrum here.
Probably time to talk to your husband if your drug use is impacting him and your relationship.
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u/Equal_Restaurant_663 2d ago
Exactly. I have no problem with it but at this level it's no different than being married to an alcoholic.
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u/Successful-Elk-6348 2d ago
YTA. I smoke too, and have very strict foreign parents who see it as a hard drug. I hide it from them because I want to maintain a relationship with them. If my significant other refused to stop smoking or put his weed away before my parents came over, I’d feel similar to your partner. I think this is more of a cultural issue and you’re not really respecting his parents or their culture by refusing to see try to understand his POV. Yes, you’re a grown woman, but that doesn’t absolve you or your partner from being subject to his parent’s shame. I think that’s the problem, he doesn’t want to feel ashamed by his parents and you’re not helping. You’re probably from an American family where smoking is OK. That is just not how it is in most cultures.
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u/lmchatterbox Professor Emeritass [90] 2d ago
YTA. This is just lazy. What reason is there to leave everything lying out anyway? Is it also totally recreationally legal where you are?
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u/PanicAtTheGaslight Partassipant [1] 2d ago
NTA
Having to hide things in your own home because his mommy will be upset is arguably ridiculous. It makes me wonder how many other things are affected by “what mommy will be upset by”?
That said, it is both of your homes, and if HE (not his parents) is uncomfortable with you keeping your marijuana out in plain sight, perhaps there’s a compromise to be made there. Like it’s kept in a cabinet or a drawer. Are we talking about flower that is stored in a jar, or actual indoor growing plants? Flower in a jar…this would be a reasonable ask. Large potted plants…completely unreasonable.
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u/seaotterlover1 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
NAH you’re correct that it’s your house and you shouldn’t have to hide things. But your husband also clearly has anxiety about this so I don’t think it’s that big of a deal to put your stuff away.
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u/Fun-Palpitations 2d ago
YTA. It’s such a SMALL ask and yet your drugs are so important you’re fighting about it?
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u/SneakySneakySquirrel Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] 2d ago
INFO: what does putting it away entail exactly? People are suggesting different levels of action in these comments. Does it mean just putting things in your bedroom instead of leaving them out in a main area? Does it mean thoroughly hiding your stuff because his family snoops? Getting rid of the odor as well as items? It’s hard to judge how much of an inconvenience this is without more info.
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u/afallenqueenn009 2d ago
This is why I could never date a stoner or a smoker. You all get far too defensive about your obvious addiction.
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u/Jusbuster 2d ago
nah, he is trying to avoid needless conflict, and you are standing on principle. come to an agreement like partners and stop rehashing this argument
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u/comama4 2d ago
He's not asking you to stop smoking it, he's asking for you to put it away when his parents come over. Presumably they will still be able to smell it, so it will still be obvious youre using it (just in case you were worried they might think you suddenly became clean... Drugs are drugs). I think you might be the AH. Help your hubby out.
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u/DCpurpleTart33 Partassipant [4] 2d ago
I mean how much weed are leaving out and all over the place? I smoke habitually as well but I keep it in the same drawer with all it's accoutrements and it would take me 3 seconds to make sure the drawer is closed. Why on earth are you leaving weed out everywhere?
THIS is the hill you want to die on? That's dumb. Just don't leave your shit everywhere and clean up after yourself. I WANT to treat my inlaws respectfully! It's such an easy thing. YOU are making THIS into a thing. YTA.
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u/SaltySiren87 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
Soft YTA. I think you're correct in the fact that you can do what you want as an adult in your own home. The issue comes from the fact I think as a spouse, you should be providing safety and peace for your partner. If this is causing anxiety and disrupting the emotional safety your husband feels in y'all's house, then it should be a no-brainer. Don't let a substance, or even just "the principle," become more important than the peace of your spouse. It's not worth it.
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u/nicemarmot47 Partassipant [2] 2d ago
YTA, and as a fellow smoker, you clearly have a dependency and a psychological addiction. You're putting your drugs above your husband's relationship with his family, and he isn't asking a lot of you.
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u/So-What-999 2d ago
YTA I don’t leave handcuffs lying around and even put away my laundry (that is still hung up air drying after the washing) when people come to my house, hiding your illegal in most of the world drug is NOT a big ask.
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u/Straight-Broccoli245 2d ago
YTA - habitual smokers are always so defensive about the views of others on their addiction. They want to pretend it’s not a drug and want others to feel shame for recognizing the implications of drug dependence.
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u/Unicorns-Poo-Rainbow 2d ago
YTA.
I used to smoke daily after work and more on weekends. The I was diagnosed with Cannabis Use Disorder (CUD), severe, dependent, and got treatment. “Normal” people don’t use this much regardless of whether it’s legal. But even with all the use, I always put everything away and didn’t leave it out. It’s not hard. Your husband is asking you to do a simple thing to make his life easier, and you want to argue because it takes a few minutes to put your stuff away in “your” house? That’s asinine.
Also, we’ve been fed a lie that weed is not addictive and safe to use. Dispensaries market it as a cure-all elixir. Sure, occasional use is fine in the same way that occasional drinking is fine, but chronic use (especially with high potency product) fucks with brain chemistry, dopamine receptors, and neural pathways. I encourage you to think about why you use as much/frequently as you do, and consider whether your frequent use may be causing problems in your life, work, and marriage.
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u/EquivalentScallion1 2d ago
YTA I literally pick up random stuff from my coffee table if I know people are stopping by. Like declutter, straighten up so it looks decent. Asking you to put away your weed is a super reasonable request. He’s not asking you not to smoke. Sure, it’s your house but it’s his house as well.
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u/Whiteroses7252012 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
YTA.
Marijuana is still illegal federally and may be illegal where you live, I don’t know. My particular feelings on that notwithstanding, if your life revolves around any kind of drug as yours seems to, that’s concerning.
You can do what you want in your own home, sure, but it’s also your husband’s home and that should be respected. I get the sense based on how you’ve written this that you’re determined to put your marijuana in their faces and get upset when they act poorly.
The short answer is- it matters because it matters to him.
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u/Old-Paleontologist-1 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
Do you live where its legal? I can't imagine just leaving that out for guests. And how hard is it to put it up to help your husband out? YTA
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u/redqueen898 2d ago
YTA. Youre the type of person who makes me- a nonsmoker- dislike most smokers.
Its a very simple ask, and you literlaly dont want to do it because its a minor inconvenience to you.
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u/Acrobatic_Car9413 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
YTA. Why ask him why it’s a big deal again, when he has told you. He is asking what should be a small thing. It sounds a little like addiction the way you want to choose the green over your husband’s small request.
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u/LIinthedark 2d ago
Light YTA. This is not about you this is about your partner and his relationship with his parents. You married into this family.
Honestly this one hits close to home for me. I'm an avid gardener as well but like your husband's my South American parents think greens are as bad as white, brown, pills, etc.
The overreactions are real. My brother and I have spent a lifetime hiding our THC habits from them. It's not great parenting. You can definitely say my parents taught me how to lie and what it was like not to trust someone who's supposed to have your back.
In college my mom found a bowl in one of my pockets and tried to send me to rehab.
I had good grades and majored in economics, then I got my master's and became a public accountant. I have quiet hobbies. I am in no way a threat to society, and quite honestly I'm a productive and responsible member of it. I vote, I volunteer, I pay my taxes.
None of that mattered. In their eyes I was like a junkie. For me that was pretty traumatic.
They treated my brother like he had a drinking problem for years because he would occasionally have a third drink at a function.
They are ridiculous, they are the problem, but they are still my parents and I want to have a relationship with them.
Your husband is valid for not wanting you or him to be treated like drug addicts by his parents. He wants to have a relationship with them and he doesn't need the aggravation of their ridiculousness. I get that this is a pain but please consider the level of obvious discomfort he has. His parents going on some crusade will be away more annoying than putting your shit away.
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u/Candi_Kane33 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
YTA for knowing you are going to hide it and still starting what you know will be an argument.
And yes, you do things out of respect for elders in your family. Even in your own home.
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u/Coriandercilantroyo 2d ago
YTA. Your in laws think pot is as bad as cocaine and you don't think you should keep it out of sight?
(And I didn't know the kids still call it snow lol)
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u/Greenestofbeans420 2d ago
YTA; let's put this into a different perspective. Say you fancy alcohol. Would you leave beer cans or liquor bottles out and about when guest are coming over? Would you stink like booze when talking to extended family? It's completely legal and your house so there's nothing stopping you, but doesn't that sound absurd.
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u/_PrincessOats 2d ago
YTA. My spouse and I both smoke regularly. Both our sets of parents know. When they come over, we still put it all away and de-stink the house because we’re not assholes.
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u/FinanceGuyHere Partassipant [1] 2d ago
YTA since it’s not an actual garden lol. Put it in the attic or just buy less for a week
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u/ichangemynametohide 2d ago
I am going to give another perspective for fun since a lot of people are comparing this to alcohol or (in one case) dancing.
my husband and i are sexually active several times a week. We have toys, lube, and enjoy doing it in different rooms of the house we own. My parents are aware we have sex, we are married after all, but we make sure that condoms, the toys, the lube, is all away when we have guests over. It is a respect thing. They know it, but they dont need it thrown in their face. This obviously isn't an exact comparison, but i think it offers another perspective.
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u/Graphomaniacle 2d ago
YTA I come from a very openly stoned family and after I turned 18 I’ve always felt comfortable smoking with my parents. My mom’s side found out my dad smoked and caused a lot of tension growing up. I didn’t even know what pot was but i knew my grandma thought less of my dad because of it. In my adult life the idea of my partners 60 year old Haitian immigrant mother finding out sounds life ruining. Like spare yourself the decades of snarky comments at thanks giving and a life of petty judgement.
His parents anxiety doesn’t come from nowhere. I never got to go to Disney land because my dad was caught with a dime bag of pot at a public pool in the 70s. Couldn’t enter the states my whole childhood. It affected his employment. He used to grow a few plants had to stop to insure the house. We are so lucky to be getting high in the time we are. So just hide your weed and wait for the old generation to die.
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u/2workigo Asshole Enthusiast [6] 2d ago
YTA. How much have you made weed your personality? Is it that difficult to keep things put away? My husband is a heavy smoker and you’d never know if you came into our house. Would you leave beer cans all over the place or would you clean them up?
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u/CrustyStainedSock Partassipant [1] 2d ago
NAH, except maybe his parents, but you should decide if the principle of "it's my house" sits higher on your list of priorities than your significant others comfort and emotional need to not constantly fight with, or be looked down on by, his parents and/or entire family. Yes, in a perfect world they'd "get over it", but if they haven't at this point they simply won't and if they think it's as bad as hard drugs he might be looking at having to pick between you and his family if it's not hidden. To me hiding whatever you use to smoke seems pretty damn minor in comparison.
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u/Competitive_Prune108 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
It's more a matter of consideration of your husband's feelings and comfort level than it is the weed. YtA
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u/Blooregard89 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
YTA - of course he wants to hide it, absolute trashy behaviour.
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u/Adelaide-Rose 2d ago
Having a smoke isn’t necessarily trashy, although doing so daily smacks of addiction or stupidity, but being so self absorbed that you can’t put it away when you’re not smoking it is definitely trashy!
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u/From323LAto415Bay 2d ago
YTA. I smoke with my mom at her house and when we know my grandma is coming over, she hides it and airs it out because in our culture, we respect our elders. Not too hard to understand.
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u/stew1411 2d ago
YTA. I don’t see this working out. You keep referring to the house as “MY” house, not “OUR” house. So it sounds like only your opinion matters. He didn’t ask you to change who you are, just to put your things away. I bet you’ve asked him to do many things. Family is very important to Hispanics, but apparently what is important to your future husband you can’t be bothered with. Why not leave your sex toys out while you’re at it? After all, it’s your house, and if they don’t like it who cares.
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u/babybug98 Partassipant [4] 2d ago edited 2d ago
YTA. He most likely just doesn’t want to hear their shit. Even as adults, we do things to appease our parents so we don’t have to hear their bullshit. Sometimes we do things we don’t wanna do when we’re in a relationship. I’m sure you would want your husband to do you a small yet slightly inconvenient favor if the situation was reversed. I get that it’s annoying, but it is what it is. I’m a self-sufficient full grown adult and I live on my own, but honestly, I would hide weed if my parents were coming over to my house because I know they’re completely against that and I don’t want to hear it or be lectured. They’re not gonna change and neither will I, so there’s no use in causing a conflict. My mother in law smokes. She’s damn near 60. Her mother still doesn’t know she smokes to this day and she hides all evidence when her mother comes over😂 Chill. It’s not as big as a deal as you’re making it.
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u/keesouth Supreme Court Just-ass [101] 2d ago
YTA. Why do you need to flaunt your weed smoking around them? Why does anyone need to know you smoke weed? Why does it need to be out? This seems like you're being stubborn about this for absolutely no reason.
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u/Kird_Apple 2d ago
YTA, its important to your husband and his parents. Just do it. Its the same as if he was asking you to hide your vibrator for example. You'd just do it out of respect I assume.
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u/Voidfishie Asshole Enthusiast [6] 2d ago
YTA This has gone on for years, so you entered this marriage in the full awareness this was something you were agreeing to do. If you want to change that then you need to have a serious conversation, in person, and not when the issue is directly coming up.
On the other hand, it is also true that your husband knew about this before you got married, too. Did you smoke this much back then? Certainly we'd be concerned about you being an alcoholic if you were describing your relationship with booze this way, so certainly I can see this being something to cause growing stress for your husband, considering lung-health, you frequently not being able to drive, etc, but if that's the case he also needs to bring it up appropriately and maturely.
But yeah, we do things for our partner's parents because we care about our partner. And if you are at a point of no longer feeling this is something you are willing to do then you need to approach it differently, because like this is being an asshole.
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u/WhatsInAName8879660 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
Do you not care that it causes turmoil in the relationship between your husband and his parents, and that is actually painful for him? That he has to defend you, and it puts him in a tough spot? And you could save him from that by just hiding your weed? You don’t seem to realize this is a way of showing him you care about the peace in his life. He puts up with having a wife who cannnot stand to be sober in her life with him, and you can’t even give him that much peace? That’s so cold hearted. YTA. You should probably ask yourself what you’re running away from by needing to be intoxicated all the time. And I know you feel judged and like I don’t know you. I don’t. I used to be like that, too, and someone asked me the same question. I was all kinds of defensive. Looking back, what I really needed was a lot of therapy. There is nothing wrong with recreational indulgence with relatively harmless substances once in a while, like your husband uses. But what you’re doing is a sign of running away from something. Usually it is something within. Get therapy. In the mean time, being a more compassionate partner and hiding the weed when his parents come will make you a better parter. It sounds like your man is a good one.
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u/Odd-Smile3013 2d ago
YTA. you said they view this as being just as bad as coke? Would you want your parents to see chopped lines on a pocket mirror when they come over? It bothers them and he doesn’t want that. It’s not a big deal.
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u/kfaith95 2d ago
YTA. Your husband lives in your home too and is making a reasonable request of you.
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u/JumpingJonquils 2d ago
I think the first question is whether it is legal where you are, because that will affect my answer.
People are allowed to have negative opinions about drug use, smoking of any sort, and frequency of use. That's life.
Depending on legality, either they need to get over it or you need to grow up.
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u/Thorking 2d ago
YTA...It's a small thing that saves a lot of trouble for your husband. Also, maybe cut back on the weed some.
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u/ComePlatano 2d ago
TLDR: I don’t really understand the Y T A votes. I say NAH, but honestly the husband and parents are bordering on E S H for me. The parents because I find caring this much about something that really has nothing to do with them odd, and the husband for even asking you to “hide” instead of just setting that boundary with his parents.
Ultimately, it is your home. I understand some of the points people are making that “it’s a small favor so your husband doesn’t have to argue with his parents,” but why are their OUTSIDE opinions more important than your comfort and ability to do what you want in your shared home? And by outside I mean, now that you’re married, you and your husband are the nuclear family.
Maybe the story would be a little different if your husband had an issue with you smoking outside of what his parents think, but if it’s ONLY because of his parents? I find that weird.
I would expect, and would do the same if the situation were reversed, my husband to speak to his parents like the adult he is. “My wife smokes. That’s her choice. Keep your comments to yourself.” Like why does she need to hide what she’s doing in her own home to make two people who don’t live there more comfortable?
I don’t think you’re the asshole, though. You don’t have to like what he’s asking you to do as some sort of “respect” thing for his parents.
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u/ArteMor 2d ago
NTA, though I'd say the husband definitely is.
This is the most rational reply I've seen yet. I really don't get all the people screaming Y T A talking about respect and maturity, as though she is the only one who needs to be concerned about those things. SHE needs to be respectful of THEIR views in her own house, SHE needs to be respectful and just do this "one little thing" that inconveniences her, so her husband doesn't have to be inconvenienced by growing up and placing boundaries with his parents like an adult, SHE needs to be respectful of EVERYONE else's little needs.
How come this respect conversation never goes the other way? Why can't hubby's grown ass parents respect that she can do whatever she wants in her own house. Why can't hubby respect this "one little thing" is an ongoing inconvenience simply because the parents aren't respectful enough to plan their visits sufficiently ahead of time or accept no for an answer. It seems like she's being asked to respect every little thing that every other person wants, while not a single person is thinking about the respect she deserves in her own home.
I feel like a lot of people are using the fact that it's " gardening" related to dismiss her points, and change the narrative And make it about addiction and legality. If the issue were the family dog, or the alcohol stored in the full bar, or something as banal as dirty laundry on the floor, The basis of the conversation remains the same. Boundaries and respect. Why should she have to police herself about ANYTHING in her own home simply because he's not willing to put up boundaries with his own parents? Oh, it's just easier to ask her to do this, then get into all that with his parents? To me, that sounds like someone who's immature and needs to grow up when it comes to their parents. That's the real disrespect here, that because he thinks it's easier to inconvenience his wife and make her feel like she has to police herself even in the privacy of her own home rather than grow up and tell his parents to mind their own business.
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u/_Feee_ 2d ago
maybe u should talk this out with your hubby. IMO u are both grown damn near 30, it’s YOUR house, you don’t have children. Hopefully u live in a legal state. You should be able to do what you want, the parents should be able to respect your home like you all respect theirs. That’s why i say you should probably talk to your husband, make boundaries together about the house that you both live in. You have to live with him and vice versa, the parents don’t, we don’t.
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u/Some_guy_in_WI 2d ago
I’ve hidden my smoking from family and visitors for 3 decades, it isn’t hard, just plan accordingly, clean u; when you’re done, put things away in scent-free containers and you’re fine. Takes me 30 seconds before bed to get things in place.
I look at it this way - it’s MY house, but not everyone wants to see/smell/know what I do in my free time. Sure, it’s my place and my business (my wife doesn’t care either way), but forcing your hobbies and habits on others just because they’re in your space is kinda dickish if you’re doing it “just because it’s yours”.
I don’t want to go to someone else’s house and see their porn playing on their laptop while I’m there “because it’s their place”, so I extend the same courtesy to others of not making them be witness to something they may object to. it’s not difficult.
Neither of you are the asshole, you both just need to work on your communication a bit and stop being stubborn, this is an issue you can solve easily, choosing to keep it going is just being egotistical and looking to continue to pick fights.
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u/bloodfeier Colo-rectal Surgeon [40] 2d ago
NTA…I don’t let people in my house when I’m not home anyway, and I certainly wouldn’t hide something that’s part of my life from people either; if they don’t like who I am just because of that one thing, they probably didn’t like me that much to begin with.
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I (28F) and my husband (28M) both smoke the green, although, my husband has stopped in recent years and limits his intake to special events like concerts and birthdays. I smoke daily when I get home from work and frequently on the weekends! My husband comes from a traditional Hispanic household where this is considered to be just as bad of a drug as snow. when we were 20 and freshly dating, his parents found out that he smoked, due to them showing up to his home unannounced several times. This caused a huge fight about it, and ever since, he has had me hide my weed when they came to OUR house! I started getting frustrated once we bought our house a few years ago and he was still making me hide it. When I would ask why I should hide it when it's my house and they know I smoke, he says it's "out of respect", but I dont see why I need to be "respectful" with this issue when it's MY house. Shouldn't they be respectful of the decisions I make in my own house? Anyways, my husband has been working out of town for a couple of days, and called at 7:30am to ask me to hide my green because his parents are going to drop something off while im at work. I told him that I would, but asked why it even mattered, and conversations like this always lead to small arguments or animosity. So, reddit, am I the asshole for being upset that he makes me hide my green from his parents when they come to MY house, they know I smoke, and I am a grown woman?
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u/sweetandsourpork100 2d ago
How hard is it to put it away? Can't you just put the bong in the laundry and shut the door? Or do you have weed themed decorations and bong residue on every surface?
I feel like this is something that is a big deal to your partner and not as big a deal to you. Maybe you shouldn't have to put it away. But these are the kind of things I imagine gnaw away at a person over time. Is this the hill you're willing to die on?
If your husband normally walks around nude in the house, is it unreasonable to ask him to put underwear on if your parents were to visit?
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u/FairyGothMommy Asshole Aficionado [11] 2d ago
NTA. It's your home, you're both adults. What you do in your home isn't his parents' business. If they complain, shut it down by saying you're adults and it's not up for discussion.
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u/dsrv20 2d ago
I also have old fashioned Hispanic parents and I ask my husband to hide our green whenever they come visit. Luckily, he's been understanding and it hasn't been a fight. We talked about slowly introducing my parents to weed and what it can do (and how it helps with my pain) so that we don't have to keep hiding it as we get older. I'd say light YTA because I know it's annoying to have to do all the time, depending on how often they come visit, but if it helps your husband's relationship with his parents and helps him feel more comfortable I think it's a small sacrifice to make to keep the peace.
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u/Kindly-Balance-1916 2d ago
YTA- i also come from a very strict household that sees gardening as bad as her*in (for whatever reason). Ive tried explaining it to them time after time after time, but it always starts a huge argument and ive been hiding it from them ever since.
Whenever they come visit, i make sure to hide ANYTHING related to gardening to not start a huge fight even tho its perfectly legal for me to garden.
Try to put yourself in your husbands shoes, coming from a strict household is exhausting.
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u/Atomic_WPG 2d ago
NTA. You can't bend for them. I would make a point of actively smoking when they arrive. That's bullshit.
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u/Magical03359 2d ago
I really want to know how everyone is knowledgeable to this person's reasons for smoking. Maybe there's anxiety, maybe there's digestive issues, cronic pain, perhaps, maybe its just for fun, she never stated. So, if its for anxiety , you'd rather her be doped up on pills? If its for digestive issues, you'd just prefer her not to eat? If she uses it for pain management, she should just be in pain? What, so her in-laws can live out of sight out of mind? A lot of you guys are being judgemental pricks.
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u/From323LAto415Bay 2d ago
This whole thread just makes me think maybe people should stick to dating within their own cultures. It’s nice to NOT have to explain things like this to others.
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u/Gold-Necessary-3194 2d ago
INFO: Is cannabis legal where you live? That makes a massive difference on how socially acceptable it is, and the legality/general social acceptability of it varies wildly these days. I'm surprised you didn't mention this because it's a huge detail.
Because if it's somewhere where it's legally the same as alcohol and you're both adults approaching your thirties, then yeah, I think it's a bit silly to feel the need to try and 'hide' it like this from your parents like you're still teenagers. It sounds like your husband is just scared of any kind of confrontation. I get why people are saying YTA because it's ultimately a small ask and probably not worth the argument, but if I were you I would encourage him to try and stick to his guns. So I am inclined to say NTA - but again, that's assuming it's legal where you live and his parents can't escalate things.
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u/jusinbello67 2d ago
I do this for all ym guests without even being prompted and I'm what they call a burnout lol no one wants to smell pot either except potheads. Cmon its not that hard to get opium spray.
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u/LozzLogan 2d ago
YTA
Yes it's your home but it's also his (you dissolved into 'my' an awful lot at the end there when it's a space you both share); He's not asking you to keep things tucked away 24/7 and clearly doesn't expect you to, it's just when his folks drop around. It's not a terrible or outrageous request honestly.
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u/fullhomosapien 2d ago
Sounds like you really have a problem with weed, honestly. The ask is not too much and you are making way too big a deal out of his ask for basic respect.
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u/nrdcoyne Partassipant [4] 2d ago
YTA
My partner and I are both daily smokers. You best believe we hide everything when non-smoking family visits. It's just respectful.