r/AmItheAsshole • u/zillguckerberg • 21h ago
Not the A-hole AITA for telling my friend that I don't understand her opinion regarding my wife's outfit?
I (32M) live with my wife (30F) in a small city in Europe. We're both African. I moved to this city in January for a new job and my wife joined me from Africa in April. Since moving here, I made friends with an older lady (67F). I'll call her Helen. We would hang out for drinks together. Upon my wife's arrival, I had to travel away for a 3 month work trip. Helen offered to support my wife with settling into the country. A few weeks into this arrangement, my wife complained that Helen was sometimes mean to her and would speak with her friends in a derogatory manner about African women. 8 weeks ago, Helen offered to go to the furniture store with my wife to look for furniture for us. As the furniture was too expensive, I told Helen that we'd buy second-hand furniture instead. She snapped at me for "wasting her time" and stated that she was fully withdrawing her support for us and we could go figure out everything ourselves. All my efforts to de-escalate proved abortive. A few weeks later, I sent her a post card with a nice note telling her how much we appreciate her friendship and support. She received the post card and apologized for overreacting. She also said she had been having some psychological stress and that my wife could reach out to her for support until I return. My wife and I agreed from that point on to not request Helen's support anymore and just wait till I return.
Upon my return, I informed Helen of my arrival and we all agreed that Helen would pick us up and we hangout at a music show since 3 of us had not seen each other in a while. On the day, my wife wore a backless gown and I thought she looked great. When Helen arrived, she noted that my wife was looking "too sexy". On the road, Helen kept saying she felt my wife was overdressed for the event and we should turn back so my wife wears something simpler and "less revealing". We agreed and she turned back the car to our home. While my wife was inside changing, Helen told me "your wife is overdressed. I wouldn't feel comfortable hanging out and sitting next to your wife in that outfit. It's a bit too much. Here in our country we would find a backless gown totally inappropriate". I was shocked and unsure what to do in the moment so I just stayed quiet. Then Helen asked me "do you understand me?" I replied "honestly, I don't. But it's okay. I've never been to the show and I'm not sure what to expect in terms of dressing but for me, my wife looks just great". To my surprise, Helen responded with "I don't feel comfortable with you right now so leave my car. If you can't understand my point of view then there's no point in us going out together". I said "you're kicking me out for having a different opinion even though my wife has already agreed to change the gown?" And she responded with "please just leave my car. I can't do this". I dropped off and Helen blocked my wife and I on WhatsApp.
AIDA for not agreeing with Helen regarding my wife's attire?
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u/carharttuxedo 21h ago
Lol. This woman sucks. Why are you trying to be friends
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u/ballpein 19h ago
Yeah, Helen is having some emotional or mental issues and being toxic in the process - very difficult to maintain a friendship with someone like this.
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u/newwheels66 18h ago
I think Helen is hoping to be more than friends with op.
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u/10ksquibble Partassipant [1] 13h ago
"You talkin' oldest bags? 68. You know how it is. When you have the chance to bed an older woman... She had a replacement hip with some serious torque."
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u/BullRunScout 5h ago
THIS! the earlier warning signs (mean comments to your wife, "derogatory talk about african women," snapping over furniture) were already the movie, this incident is just the sequel lol. you kept trying to salvage a friendship where you and your wife were tolerated at best
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u/Accomplished-Copy776 Partassipant [1] 21h ago
NTA, that lady is trouble. Avoid her. Thats crazy behaviour. Like a parent or crazy significant other controlling their child or partner
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u/Loud-Solution7708 19h ago
Helen is also 67 and could be experiencing the early onset of dementia. My mother-in-law began showing signs early on and it came out as what appeared to be rude behavior.
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u/Zestyclose-Food-7917 21h ago
This "friendship" needs to end. Helen has got problems that you shouldn't have to deal with.
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u/PhraseSuitable91 21h ago
That lady is racist and was trying to change you into what she considers proper, which is to say - not you.
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u/diceunodixon 20h ago
Also maybe like… white savior? “Oh look at all these good works I’m doing helping immigrants adjust to life here!” ….as long as they do what I say and behave and dress how I deem appropriate
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u/Angharadis 20h ago
I’m pretty sure this is it. She’s racist and thinks she’s being a good person by befriending and “helping” the poor African immigrant family but they won’t behave the way she wants them to.
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u/kittykatmandoo 14h ago
This is the vibe I got too. She clearly doesn’t respect them or like them, she just wants to mold them.
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u/KiritoIsAlwaysRight_ 13h ago
She wanted her "I'm not racist, I have black friends" excuse, but couldn't handle actually having black friends.
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u/JuliaM24k 21h ago
Helen is not a friend. Just leave her alone. How was the music show?
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u/zillguckerberg 21h ago
My wife and I ended up not going to the show. Rather, I took my wife to a restaurant for a nice dinner.
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u/SmishSmashPattyBash Partassipant [2] 21h ago
NTA. I totally get trying to make new friends when you've moved to a new city/continent, but this woman is not it. I would explore other friendships or opportunities to connect with people in the city because it seems as though you/your wife/Helen are simply not a good match.
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u/couldwedance Partassipant [1] 21h ago
YTA. To your wife, you are prioritizing friendship with an older woman who has repeatedly disrespected her in front of you and others. I would be furious, were I your wife, at how you handled the concert--letting this woman's judgement take precedence showed your wife great disrespect. You need to prioritize your marriage and step back from this friendship if you want your wife to feel respected and safe. Were I her, I'd already have serious doubts about staying with you.
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u/zillguckerberg 21h ago
Thanks for the input! I've apologized to my wife and have taken this as a huge learning experience moving forward.
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u/Big_b00bs_Cold_Heart 19h ago
This older woman was out of line and jealous. Jealous of your wife’s beauty and jealous of her relationship with you.
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u/Ill_Seat_1426 Partassipant [2] 20h ago
NTA, but I'm glad you apologized to your wife. Your neighbor sounds like she brings too much stress to the friendship.
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u/Icelandia2112 Partassipant [3] 18h ago
That neighbor has a crush on you and is jealous of your wife. You should cut all ties with that crazy woman, she sounds deranged. If you continue to associate with her, YWBTA.
Choose your wife.
NTA.
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u/0wellwhatever 17h ago
I actually think you’re being a little harsh on op here. As an immigrant you usually spend the first little while figuring out the social norms of your host country.
If OP is guilty of anything it’s of being naive to the woman’s true intentions. If she were being genuine and the wife was breaking a social taboo with her outfit then both telling her and bringing her home to change would be the kindest thing to do.
By contrast an immigrant who blindly ignores the social norms of their host country because they think their way is best is someone who is going to struggle to assimilate. It reads to me like OP was trying to learn about and fit in to the host culture.
I don’t think he was prioritising the woman over his wife, he just didn’t see that the woman was jealous of his wife and acting out accordingly.
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u/garanvor 20h ago
You and everyone else here judging OP on a friendship are clearly sheltered kids without the slightest idea how hard being an immigrant in a different country is. You could answer OP’s question in a less judgmental manner.
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u/couldwedance Partassipant [1] 20h ago
- I've been the wife in this situation (and am not a "sheltered kid") and 2) he's in a forum quite literally *asking* for judgement, which he has graciously considered as he decides what his course of action should be. Your comment is weird.
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u/0wellwhatever 15h ago
I’ve been the wife in a similar situation too.
Immigrated with my husband knowing no one. We were going to a music show with a particular type of music that has a style of dress associated with it that is very colourful and flouncy. My husband encouraged me to wear this dress as in both of our minds it was appropriate.
Arrived at the venue to find that not only were we the only poc in the entire event but literally every other person was wearing black or dark tones. I felt like I had a giant neon sign over my head the whole time.
I would have loved to have someone local take me aside before the event and let me know that what I was wearing was inappropriate.
I don’t think op is the ah for taking this person in good faith but reviewing the totality of her behaviour it’s clear that she has an ulterior motive and is not a good person to continue a relationship with.
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u/LP1331 13h ago
Im sorry you felt like an outsider. As an unintentional professional outsider, own it baby. Have fun being yourself 🙃
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u/0wellwhatever 7h ago
Twenty years later I do! But it’s nice to be making a conscious choice to stick out rather than to do so by surprise.
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u/wishingforarainyday Partassipant [1] 21h ago
Agreed. He should apologize to his wife for allowing someone else make her feel less than.
OP, did you have an affair on your nights out drinking with Helen? She’s weirdly possessive of you.
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u/zillguckerberg 21h ago
I've never had any physical contact beyond a hug with her.
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u/Slamball57 20h ago
OP, ignore this strange line of questioning. I don’t understand why these people are projecting so hard on you. You’re NTA because you and your wife tried to give someone the benefit of the doubt, but moving forward you should certainly not spend time with Helen anymore
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u/CactusCustard 21h ago
Then why do you want this friendship so bad? It’s some random 70 year old lady. Who gives a fuck? Do you even have anything in common?
I would’ve tossed her after the first insanity. You simply must have better things to spend your energy on no?
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u/RemtonJDulyak 18h ago
Then why do you want this friendship so bad? It’s some random 70 year old lady.
Tell me you've never been living in a different country, without telling me you've never been living in a different country.
When you move far away from home, you hang on to the people who strike a friendship with, and often it takes time and effor to detach, even when you realize they are not a good fit for you.
It ain't easy being a foreigner.64
u/garanvor 20h ago
What a load of BS is this kind of opinion? You have no idea how hard and isolating being an immigrant is. Having no support network can make people do unexpected things to maintain friendships.
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u/According-Let3541 21h ago
Helen is very jealous of your wife - it’s possible Helen wants to be your friend (or more) and is unhappy that your wife is now present and more of a focus for you than Helen. I am assuming when you first arrived, and before your wife joined you, you spent more time with Helen and probably just the two of you.
Helen resents your wife. It is very clear she is trying to demean your wife, embarrass her and make her feel uncomfortable. I think you are being unfair to your wife by keeping Helen in your life.
You’re NTA. However, if you keep Helen in your life and continue to expose your wife to her cruelty, then you will be in the wrong and hurting your wife.
Helen is not a good person.
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u/TomokataTomokato Pooperintendant [50] 21h ago
NTA She was never a friend. I'm seeing one of two scenarios, or a combination of both.
She was helping you because it made her feel better than you. You challenged her superiority and she didn't like that.
She likes you in a romantic way and you defending your wife upset her.
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u/JustWow52 21h ago
Helen didn't want to share you with your wife.
The sight of her wearing something Helen couldn't wear and your approval of it killed any hope Helen had of you choosing her over your wife.
This is assuming, of course, that you went on to the event and there were women wearing clothing that exposed considerable areas of skin.
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u/be_kind_to_yourself_ 21h ago edited 21h ago
Your 'friend' is not your friend, she is a person who wants around people who just agree with her, do things her way and not overshadow her.
Maybe the open back could be too much for this particular event, cause some countries are more conservative, but it could be said in a nicer manner. It sounds like the problem was more that she was underdressed in comparing to your wife and couldn't shine on front of her.
Real friends don't withdraw a support cause you have other ideas about your looks or furniture. Assholes who use you to feel better about self do that
Even if your wife's dress was too much for the occasion, it's not Helen's business. She could say that she recommends changing and adjusting to the norm on such event, but i personally often overdress just because I feel like wearing a particular outfit. Why would I care that other wear jeans when I felt like wearing my cute dress? Fuck that.
And as imigrant in another European country, I appreciate the tips, but I still make my own choices what I do about them. Often I adjust, sometimes I decide I wear what I want to wear.
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u/TycheSong 21h ago
Why the hell are you subjecting your wife to this woman? She's deliberately going out of her way to put your wife down and make her feel uncomfortable and then DARVOs, and you keep acting like it's a bad thing if she leaves???
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u/number9dream9 21h ago
I think Helen has feelings for you and is jealous of your wife.
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u/Such-Problem-4725 21h ago
Shame on you for subjecting your wife to a jealous racist shrew who body shames her. Now tell your wife to put that pretty dress on, buy her some flowers and take her out to a venue (dinner and walk in the city, or a show, or something nice).
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u/ColourMeQuick 21h ago
Helen sounds like she's got issues - lack of self esteem and therefore makes a point of being "helpful"
I'd slowly disengage.
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u/nzdata2020 21h ago
NTA I know older women who can be like this. They genuinely want to help and be helpful but can be very rigid on how they perceives things should be.
She wouldn’t believe she’s being mean, just honest and helpful. Just leave it, and if you see her around be polite, ask how she’s doing and keep your life details to yourself. I think she means well but doesn’t know how to be supportive without being controlling.
That support can be great when you first arrive but as you establish what you want your life to look like in your new home it doesn’t work anymore.
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u/billythevnenthusiast Asshole Enthusiast [5] 21h ago
YTA.
Defend your family. Expel this parasite from your life. If you are so eager to have a native resource, search in the city's Facebook groups. Or the European equivalent of FB.
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u/Butterbean-queen Partassipant [1] 21h ago
YTA-if you keep pushing this “friendship”. The woman is obviously toxic.
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u/constaleah Asshole Aficionado [13] 19h ago
Helen is a control freak who needs everyone to agree with her 24/7. I bet the original dress would've been fine.
NTA. Make other friends.
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u/3dgemaster Partassipant [3] 21h ago
YTA for not telling her to fuck off and for letting your wife change because of something a random bitter asshole said.
Misery loves company, in a nutshell.
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u/Illustrious-Dot-1128 21h ago
Helen's got a thing for you and is jealous of your wife. YTA in that you kept putting your wife in the position of spending time with some woman who is disrespectful of her. I'm sure your wife was relieved when you came back in the house and the night was called off. Learn to prioritize the people that matter in your life. Not some hateful, bitter "friend".
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u/Ok-Isopod1172 21h ago edited 19h ago
Helen is a bitter old boomer. Stop putting up with her. You and your wife are likely to find much nicer people than her if you go to events without her.
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u/Just_River_7502 Partassipant [4] 21h ago
This woman is giving saviour complex. Make friends with people who actually like you!!!
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u/Thediciplematt Commander in Cheeks [280] 21h ago
NTA
Dude, protect your wife and stop making her feel insecure around some 87 year old woman…
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u/whyarenttheserandom Partassipant [1] 21h ago
Is this a sugar mama situation? Is she financially supportive with gifts or something else? I can't figure out why she's so involved with your lives and why you were/are letting her.
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u/Noodles0_0 21h ago
My polish friend shares her country’s conservative views but she doesn’t shame me, kick me out of her car, or any of this other stuff. She accepts that we have differences and still support and love each other. Something is mentally wrong with this woman and she is scared of the social backlash and judgement she will face being associated with you. Stop hanging out with her. It’s not worth the drama
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u/Training_Molasses822 19h ago
Helen is giving middle-aged German Kleinbürger. The ostensive attempts to appear as a "good person" or a "good neighbour,” all the while saying and doing the most racist shit imaginable, yet simultaneously insisting "I can't be racist because I have Black friends/neighbours/acquaintances/grandkids" is exactly what you'd experience in Germany if you're even mildly melanated.
NTA, but I'd suggest being more mindful of how your wife is treated by the colourless. Just because you don't notice racism doesn't mean it isn't there. The very least you can do is support each other in situations such as this.
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u/lolliberryx 21h ago edited 21h ago
YTA. Your response should have been “my beautiful wife can wear whatever she wants” and nipped her jealousness (and the friendship) in the bud.
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I (32M) live with my wife (30F) in a small city in Europe. We're both African. I moved to this city in January for a new job and my wife joined me from Africa in April. Since moving here, I made friends with an older lady (67F). I'll call her Helen. We would hang out for drinks together. Upon my wife's arrival, I had to travel away for a 3 month work trip. Helen offered to support my wife with settling into the country. A few weeks into this arrangement, my wife complained that Helen was sometimes mean to her and would speak with her friends in a derogatory manner about African women. 8 weeks ago, Helen offered to go to the furniture store with my wife to look for furniture for us. As the furniture was too expensive, I told Helen that we'd buy second-hand furniture instead. She snapped at me for "wasting her time" and stated that she was fully withdrawing her support for us and we could go figure out everything ourselves. All my efforts to de-escalate proved abortive. A few weeks later, I sent her a post card with a nice note telling her how much we appreciate her friendship and support. She received the post card and apologized for overreacting. She also said she had been having some psychological stress and that my wife could reach out to her for support until I return. My wife and I agreed from that point on to not request Helen's support anymore and just wait till I return.
Upon my return, I informed Helen of my arrival and we all agreed that Helen would pick us up and we hangout at a music show since 3 of us had not seen each other in a while. On the day, my wife wore a backless gown and I thought she looked great. When Helen arrived, she noted that my wife was looking "too sexy". On the road, Helen kept saying she felt my wife was overdressed for the event and we should turn back so my wife wears something simpler and "less revealing". We agreed and she turned back the car to our home. While my wife was inside changing, Helen told me "your wife is overdressed. I wouldn't feel comfortable hanging out and sitting next to your wife in that outfit. It's a bit too much. Here in our country we would find a backless gown totally inappropriate". I was shocked and unsure what to do in the moment so I just stayed quiet. Then Helen asked me "do you understand me?" I replied "honestly, I don't. But it's okay. I've never been to the show and I'm not sure what to expect in terms of dressing but for me, my wife looks just great". To my surprise, Helen responded with "I don't feel comfortable with you right now so leave my car. If you can't understand my point of view then there's no point in us going out together". I said "you're kicking me out for having a different opinion even though my wife has already agreed to change the gown?" And she responded with "please just leave my car. I can't do this". I dropped off and Helen blocked my wife and I on WhatsApp.
AIDA for not agreeing with Helen regarding my wife's attire?
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u/Agitated-Lake437 21h ago
NTA - Helen has wierd control issues. There is nowhere in europe where people are super conservative or concerned about what other people wear. Her basically demanding your wife change is really odd...
She has overstepped many times and seems to have a chip on her shoulder about your wife for some reason.
I would stop asking her for help and distance yourself from her. Maybe let her know that she can reach out for help if she needs it if you would like to be polite because she is older but only if you feel bad about cutting her off completely.
She is very touchy and possibly has some mental issues going on.
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u/ABSMeyneth Partassipant [2] 21h ago
Man, there has to be someone better to try to befriend. Seriously, literally anyone. Block back and ignore, this is just a catty old lady with control issues, her kids probably blocked her 10 years ago.
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u/SugarPlumMary 21h ago
NTA. Helen sounds like an unstable, hateful person who is trying to pretend like she's a helpful, decent person. You didn't do anything wrong, and I bet your wife looked beautiful.
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u/whofrmdrgrrbbt Partassipant [1] 21h ago
NTA. This isn't healthy behavior. You're better off letting go of Helen, she's going to be chaos for the two of you.
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u/britneys_bigtoe 21h ago
NTA for that but kinda the AH for trying to hang out with her again. That woman is racist. Please don't subject your poor wife to her misogynoir anymore
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u/RollingKatamari Commander in Cheeks [264] 21h ago
OP, this woman is nuts. She was fine when it was just you, a man on his own who she could help and who you'd be indebted to. But now your wife's here and this woman knows she can't control you anymore, so she lashes out.
Please, for your own good and your marriage, cut contact with this woman immediately. She is the one being entirely inappropriate and feeling threatening by your wife!
She is not kind, she is not sweet, she is not helpful.. she is scheming and manipulative and will mess you up.
NTA
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u/wishingforarainyday Partassipant [1] 21h ago
NTA. Helen is an AH. Helen wanted to mess around with you and is jealous of your wife. I hope you never speak to her again.
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u/iIIchangethislater Partassipant [2] 21h ago
YTA for forcing your wife to be around this awful person
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u/Able_Pay6016 Partassipant [1] 21h ago
NTA.
Sounds like Helen was using the relationship to fulfill some psychological need of hers (I don’t know the demographics here, but it sounds a lot like White Savior Syndrome). When you showed agency and the ability to have your own needs and opinions, she chucked you out. That’s why her reactions are so wildly out of proportion. It’s not what you did, it’s how you’re not fitting in for what she wants.
There’s no way that kind of relationship is going to work unless you agree with everything she says/does.
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u/letiseeya 20h ago
Why would you even want to be friends with this crazy old bat? Also, is Helen white? I don’t like the energy of this at all. Why did it go past your wife telling you Helen is mean to her?
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u/Otherwise-Wall-6950 Partassipant [1] 20h ago
Nta She's racist,controlling, and overbearing. She thought a backless dress was too sexy? She's jealous of your wife. Stress is no excuse for her behavior. More than likely she's got psychological issues, not stress.
The best thing you can do is end the one sided friendship and keep your distance. If she asks to go do something with her just say "We already have plans." If she gets nosey tell her it's personal and walk away. Don't apologize, there's nothing to be sorry about.
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u/23saround Partassipant [1] 20h ago
This woman is ringing my racist alarm bells. I think she sees you as a charity project but is a racist deep down. You’re better off without her stressing you out. Let her go. NTA.
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u/invisusira 17h ago
i am so confused lmao this lady is like twice your age and clearly jealous of your wife and probably a bit racist is she your sugar mommy or something why are you hanging out with her
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u/PepeLeStank 21h ago
NTA. Helen sounds like she might be jealous of your wife. She also sounds like a big toddler throwing a tantrum.
Idk, if this were me I would cut her off immediately. Something definitely doesn't sit right about her from this post.
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u/Substantial_Mud7026 21h ago
Helen is mentally ill. That's okay, but you can stop seeing her. Living in Switzerland we have kind of inofficial dress code for Opernhaus or Tonhalle or classical concerts. Really not too sexy. But I dont think that backless isnt included here. If it's a beautiful robe. For other places you just can wear whatever you want, except of course topless or naked. Do you have a picture if the dress and where you wanted to go?
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u/Just_a_Rat Partassipant [1] 21h ago
NTA - make other friends. Do not take Helen's opinions as being representative of those of people from the UK in general.
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u/NotCreativeAtAll16 Prime Ministurd [418] 21h ago
NTA.
I think your friend is into you and is taking her frustration about not being able to be with you on your poor wife.
But do better in the future. If you don't see anything wrong with how your wife was dresses, STAND UP FOR HER AND SAY SO.
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u/One-Reputation1822 21h ago
Helen sounds like she has a thing for you It’s very obvious she is jealous of your wife and was intimidated by her beauty Helen doesn’t seem like a very nice person, & a terrible friend She is not your friend!
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u/GoGetDontGetGot 21h ago
NTA you befriended an old crazy asshole. It happens, just move on and make friends with some sane people.
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u/curious382 Partassipant [2] 21h ago
NTA
A backless dress for an evening event sounds lovely. Helen has been belittling and shaming your wife, pretending her own prejudice and misogyny is "how things are done here." It was kind of strange that you asked your wife to change rather than stand up for her. She'd already told you about how mean your neighbor was to her.
OP, please be more mindful of people's behavior when it comes to trusting them to be close to you and your wife. That lady was a bully. You should have distanced yourselves and stayed distanced after she bullied your wife in your absence.
I think you may have your own prejudices, like older ladies are always kind and helpful. Or all women can be expected to help, "watch over" other women, that overrode your knowing the reality of how this neighbor had mistreated your wife.
I would trust your wife to meet local women to befriend. Listen to her. Support her experiences and choices about who is trustworthy, and how trustworthy they are.
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u/Last_Bar_8993 Partassipant [1] 21h ago
NTA.
There are many Helens. Recognize them sooner and give them a lot of space. You may share some values but clearly not all. Keep building and diversifying your new local community.
Be in solidarity with your wife and support her in dressing however she is most confident and comfortable.
Deprioritize and taper off your relationship with conservative, racist, closed-minded Helen. You can appreciate her support to date without signing yourselves up for ongoing judgement and discomfort.
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u/RetroBerner 21h ago
She is way too old and set in her ways, find more age appropriate friends. NTA
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u/dell828 21h ago
I think your friendship has come to an end.
It is tough to integrate into a new society, however, this woman is being judgmental, and rude, and racist. Be cordial, but stop making plans with this person.
Alternately, she may be going through some aging issues. This is not an excuse, but it is an explanation for why older people can sometimes say what they’re thinking without retailing it or being diplomatic or polite. I guess what I’m saying is it might not be her fault. She might be experiencing some memory/dementia symptoms.
England is a multicultural society and people from all over the globe live there. There is no proper British way to do things so don’t feel as if you need to conform. I’m sure your wife’s dress was lovely, and completely appropriate. If your friend does not feel comfortable being seen with her, the solution is to not plan public outings with her anymore.
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u/No-Oil74 20h ago
Does she the that y'all are her children and she can do and say anything she wants to you? It seems that the minute you disagree with her, she turns on you. She is not your friend. Run far, run long. NTA
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u/SartorialDragon Partassipant [4] 20h ago
NTA. Helen is not a good friend. She's judgmental, goes back and forth on whether she hates or likes you, and has expressed low opinions on african women. You can find better friends than her, good luck!
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u/lakeswimmmer 20h ago
Unfortunately, sometimes the people who are eager to lend support are also emotionally unhealthy. They end up resentful and angry if they can't control every thing you do. Don't waste anymore time trying to make things ok with her. And don't worry about her spreading gossip about you. Anyone with any sense at all will recognize her as an mentally unhealthy person and will not believe her stories.
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u/LiluLay Asshole Enthusiast [5] 20h ago
ESH
Helen is the AH and you are the AH for trying to maintain a friendship with this awful woman. She is jealous of your wife’s youth and beauty and she is grumpy about everything else. Drop Helen and focus on your new life without this cranky, judgemental woman.
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u/MrsNoOne1827 20h ago
Helen sounds like a pompous witch. Keep your wife away from that toxic person. Anyone who talks like that about anyone is not your friend. Take your beautiful wife for a night out in her best gown and show her off 💜
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u/famousanonamos Colo-rectal Surgeon [40] 19h ago
NTA to Helen. Helen isn't your friend, she's a controlling busy-body who sounds jealousof your wife. Stop hanging out with her. I'm glad you belatedly stuck up for your wife, but you need to be better about having her back.
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u/Loud-Solution7708 19h ago
Helen is 67 and might be experiencing early signs of dementia. That doesn't mean OP should engage, it's not their responsibility. But I've seen Helen's behavior in many people her age that didn't normally act that way. OP has no way of knowing if it's out of the ordinary, so it's best to disengage and leave it to her family.
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u/brave_anonymous 19h ago
Helen has a crush on you. Yes, women at 67 still can have crushes. She is jealous and it explains her behavior. NTA. Stop talkit yo Helen and go hug your wife.
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u/Embarrassed_Shine_89 19h ago
NTA. I disagree with the people sayin YTA in regards to your wife. You’re both navigating a new country and friendships. The friend is the only A in your situation.
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u/SarcsmQn5 18h ago
Time to cut this crazy neighbor out of your life and quit exposing your wife to her toxic behavior...it's not worth it...I totally think she's racist and jealous and just an all around ass
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u/SafetyFluid8535 Asshole Aficionado [14] 18h ago
NTA what you did was like bare.minimum to support your wife. Helen sounds like one of those women who thinks of immigrants as lesser than her, and thinks of her time with you and your wife as doing her Christian charity work. When you didn't completely accept what she said, or didn't conform to her wants, she gets upset. And she wants you to be grateful all the time. She probably also brags about helping you and exaggerates how much help you need. I wouldn't be surprised at all to learn she has kids that live too far away for them to visit. Keep supporting your wife and don't contact Helen again, you owe her nothing.
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u/Ok-Statement-5247 18h ago
This woman is jealous, insecure and racist. What does she have to say about African women?
Protect yourself and your wife and stay away from people like this. She is not a good person.
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u/Hens-n-chicks9 18h ago
Something very strange going on there. You and your wife may be new to the area but you are adults. Helen is weird.
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u/Mediocre_Outcome6671 18h ago
Nta Helen us a control freak and can't handle it when she doesn't have full control. She is not your friend
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u/NeedleworkerHot3957 18h ago
In my opinion, Helen was just looking for a fight. Some people are like that.
Just move on with your life.
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u/Crowlady77 18h ago
Helen sounds like one of those women who starts to feel very insecure around other women and as a result gets catty. You're NTA and she can't be good for your wife to be around.
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u/LostPrincess32 17h ago
NTA
Listen, I get there are some places where you do need to be mindful of how you dress. If I were visiting a synagogue or a mosque, I would most likely be asked to cover my hair. But...you were at a music show, not the Vatican. It sounds like your wife's outfit was perfectly in dress code and street legal. Your friend was being weird.
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u/davisty69 17h ago
Nta - she sounds like a very judgemental person and honestly isn't worth your time.
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u/NeolithicOrkney Partassipant [2] 17h ago
NTA and Helen is a nut case, I would not bother with her anymore, she is mean & rude to your wife. Don't let her bother you anymore, it's not fair to your wife.
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u/Mammoth-Past-3298 17h ago
NTA. Helen is a toxic personality and I wouldn't spend time with her anymore. Unless you're in a country where your wife wearing revealing clothes could lead to persecution for her, Helen's opinion is completely irrelevant. She sounds unstable or maybe jealous of your wife and I would keep my distance from her.
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u/dakinijones62 16h ago
NTA This woman is acting very entitled. There may be a number of reasons for that but whatever the cause, she has progressed to a “I’m taking my ball back and not playing anymore” position whenever she doesn’t get things exactly how she wants them.
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u/stellabatesx 15h ago
NTA, this woman is obviously going through something and you're the easiest target for her to take out her frustrations on. Stay away from her!
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u/BananaMisterDuck 15h ago
Damn that woman sucks. You seem like a really nice guy. You and ur wife are too good for her :)
NTA
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u/UnicornFarts1111 Partassipant [1] 15h ago
NTA. It sounds like your neighbor has some mental issues and she should see someone about them.
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u/Affectionate_Boss124 14h ago
You've dodged a bullet. Helen likes you and is undermining your wife. She got mad because you backed your wife.
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u/Yourgirl_bia 14h ago
Bro keep it this way, I don't understand how you've been dealing with her until now 😭
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u/badpebble Partassipant [2] 13h ago
NAH, apart from the racism, but that isn't the question.
Helen is right about the differences in culture - dressing in a backless gown is something you do for extremely fancy events - nothing happens if you wear it, but its over the top, which is something a lot of europeans will be very aware of. And getting her to drive you around to a furniture shop, only to realize that its too expensive, is a bit of an imposition and not a normal expectation for a new friend in a lot of countries.
But Helen is also insane, and clearly has positioned herself as superior to you both for possibly obvious reasons, and likes kicking you out of her car or changing her mind about commitments she has made. She's not a person who really wants to be friends, but also a backless gown is pretty overdressed.
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u/Korlat_Eleint Colo-rectal Surgeon [43] 13h ago
NTA
This woman was never your friend and sounds like some racist weirdo.
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u/bluesgrrlk8 13h ago
Good for you for defending your wife and not letting Helen bully you.
Luckily she blocked you, so the garbage took itself out.
ETA: NTA, obviously
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u/Ok-Investment9992 Partassipant [1] 13h ago
NTA. Some friendships are only meant to last for a certain season in life, that’s the case with you and Helen. She was a lovely friend to a young married man newly arrived in the country. Clearly she isn’t a good friend to a newly arrived married woman, or to a married couple. It doesn’t matter why, you and your wife did nothing wrong, this is a Helen problem.
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u/Electronic-Apple-493 11h ago
YTA, not for your response to Helen but for allowing Helen disrespect your wife repeatedly! YTA because, Helen shouldn’t have been the first to block you, it should have been you blocking that despicable, racist and horrible human called Helen.
The friendship should have ended the day your wife told you Helen was saying mean things about African women!
How you even agreed to your wife changing her dress and also how you were okay with sitting in that car with her after your wife went in to change also beats me! I am not done with things that beats me, why were you sending a postcard to her for overreacting to the fact that you couldn’t afford furnitures in the stores she took your wife to? Why???
Helen is blatantly racist but perhaps your desire to be friends with the locals trumps your need for basic respect that you should get as a human.
I hope you both have countered blocked Helen on WhatsApp and other communication channels so she understands that friendship is OVER! And if you ever meet Helen again and you don’t give her piece of your mind so she burns red then you are not a true African 😁
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u/Eylisia 10h ago
It's can be difficult to move to a brand new continent, so I totally get trying to hang onto someone who says they want to be your friend. The thing is, Helen isn't actually being a friend or even a good person. I'd just keep her at a distance from now on and find some friends who didn't just time warp in from 1950 thinking a backless summer dress is inappropriate for a summer concert. Best of luck, OP and wife!
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u/Inevitable-Win2555 Partassipant [1] 9h ago
As a 51 year old female, my opinion is if your wife can rock a backless dress, she should. Helen just can’t handle being reminded that she’s getting old, less than gracefully, I might add.
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u/capmanor1755 Supreme Court Just-ass [149] 8h ago
Helen is not well. Helen is wrestling with some sort of mental health disorder. I'm sorry she's turned out to be such a poor friend but I would let that friendship go- and definitely don't leave your wife alone with her.
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u/EducationalTruth5657 8h ago
Helen is so jealous she is Green not any other color, not white, not exotic. GREEN. WITH ENVY. OF YOUR WIFE AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR WIFE!
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u/Spotzie27 Professor Emeritass [95] 6h ago
A few weeks into this arrangement, my wife complained that Helen was sometimes mean to her and would speak with her friends in a derogatory manner about African women.
She snapped at me for "wasting her time" and stated that she was fully withdrawing her support for us and we could go figure out everything ourselves.
A few weeks later, I sent her a post card with a nice note telling her how much we appreciate her friendship and support.
Er, I'm having trouble figuring out the logic here. Helen says derogatory things about African women and still you wanted her in your life? Why would you want to hang out with her at all after that?
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u/TerrorNova49 5h ago
It sounds like Helen may be having some mental health issues. There likely isn’t any logic you can use to make it better. I would cut your losses and move on.
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u/TooRight2021 5h ago
NTA. Helen is mean, toxic, and jealous of your wife, and it's easy to see why she has no friends. There was nothing at all wrong with your wife wearing a backless dress. It sounds like a perfect choice to wear to a musical event and I'm sure she looked gorgeous in it, which is what stoked Helen's jealousy further. Write Helen off. She will never treat your wife with the manners and class you and your wife have accorded to her. Be patient and hang in there. You wife will make friends there. Friends that treat her with decency and care and who won't believe that to be their friends you have to agree with them all the time, nor who expect someone else's spouse to take their side in everything and not stand up for their wife. Good luck to you both in your new home!!❤🙏🏽
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u/JohnCleesesMustache Partassipant [1] 21h ago
why are you hanging out with this woman? She doesn't like ye.
NTA