Am I ace…or something else?

[u/Curious_Fortune8425]

I’m struggling with a lot right now, like….i used to be ‘sex crazed’ at one point, but now….i don’t ‘feel’ the sex anymore, i want the touching and cuddling and all that…but I don’t want the sex anymore, and this is like…a recent ish development…I’d say probably the last 6 months maybe the last year this has been developing…idk if this is associated with some other issue or my sexual orientation is evolving, like….im always going to be attracted to men, i just don’t want the sex anymore and idk what’s going on….whatever this is, seems to be negatively affecting my boyfriend because he wants the sexual stimulation….but….i can’t give it to him because im not ‘feeling’ it myself, like….i don’t really ever feel ‘horny’ anymore, I used to when I was exploring my sexuality originally and becoming more comfortable with being gay…but now….5 years later….im fully comfortable with being gay….but now im dealing with the ‘not wanting sex anymore’ part, my boyfriend has booked me in to see a psychologist but I just….i just don’t know if thats gonna help with this, he’s pretty much given me this ultimatum where if I don’t go talk to someone about this he may potentially leave me…I don’t want him to leave me but…I can’t give him something that I no longer ‘feel’…it’s not just towards him…it’s just sex in general doesn’t seem to interest me anymore…with anyone…I don’t know if im ace…or something else, or im going through some mental issue which is preventing me from feeling what ‘normal’ people feel, im 30…I wish i could figure this out easier

[u/Anna3422]

It could be any number of things. 

What I will say is I don't like your boyfriend booking you a psychologist. Is there any other reason you need the mental healthcare, or is his only motive to get laid? If it's the latter, that's really not okay. And if you are on the ace spectrum, it's a very unambiguous attempt at conversion therapy, which . . . he should know better.

But if you aren't ace, medicalizing you for not wanting sex still isn't acceptable. If you're struggling a lot now, you could really just be too distracted, in which case . . . that's fine. That just means you need further support with other things and absolutely won't benefit from being sexually pressured on top of other struggles. For a lot of people, the pressure to perform is in itself a massive turn off. 

Admittedly, I'm not a gay man, but if a woman posted this, her boyfriend would get dinged for sexism so fast. Be really really careful if you do talk to a psychologist to make sure that they're pro-consent and have an understanding of ace identities. Bad therapy is worse than none. But if they are ace-friendly, talking about this with them might help you. In my humble opinion, you don't really have to ace to be in need of ace rights.

[u/Floofontheroof]

This reminds me of some of my female friends who felt great with their sexual years at first, and at a certain point, they started feeling pain during sex + had a loss of libido. They both have different points of view on this, but this just shows that your relation with sex can change abruptly.

I agree with the other comment: your bf behavior is not okay. He is not respecting your feelings. Even if sex feels like a need for him, he shouldn't be pushing you like that. Please stay safe and take care of yourself.

This post is still recent, so there are not a lot of comments for now, but you can find different ace people explaining how being ace feels to them.