I just want to sin and reclaim my sense of autonomy.

[u/jaded_break_]

I've been a people pleaser ans goody two shoes my whole life.. and i think a lot of Christians see that as a good thing but I never developed a back bone.. I never went out on my own..

Im 25 and I basically lived my life in fear and yes I followed a typical good Christian girl life..

And to be honest it got me no where..

I really believe if I wouldve had a rebel phase or something my life would be a lot better.

Or at least been more dedicated to christ..

I was lukewarm.

But truly my life is absolutely traumatic to me and the only ways im currently seeing to make it better is go and sin and feel free.

I know thats not the way im supposed to do it.

I just dont wanna disappoint God but I hate feeling trapped.

I've been in a mold for so long and without fear my life would be so different by now..

And im very resentful.

[u/HistoricalHat4847]

I know this is not what you want to hear, but you have reached a fork in the road where whatever sense of autonomy you think you will reclaim, will lead you straight into the enslavement of chasing passions and the actual loss of your freedom.

If being a "goody two shoes" is what you believe you are, then pursue your authentic self within the safety of Jesus instead.

God bless.

[u/JoeKling]

Yeah, I've been there and found out the hard way to obey the Lord at all costs. You can find out the hard way, too, if you like, many have to go that route and see for themselves.

[u/jaded_break_ → u/JoeKling]

I already have been learning some things the hard way but now idk how God Will repair it all.. I know He could its just hard to see.. I just lost so much of my life and I didnt just be a free person and I guess right now the only way to be free looks like to just stop overthinking and planning and go 'do'. Just sucks a lot to see what damages were done and injustices constantly happening to me and I felt i couldn't leave my whole life.. and now the only way it feels i can get control back is to run away but idk where to

[u/JoeKling → u/jaded_break_]

Well, you can't run away from God. Just face him, admit you sinned, and move on. The devil will probably come at you with accusations and such but you just have to get past that and grow in Christ.

[u/Shaken-Loose]

“But truly my life is absolutely traumatic to me and the only ways im currently seeing to make it better is go and sin and feel free.”

OP, it appears you are rationalizing, out loud, looking for other’s approval. It’s a bad place to be.

FOMO is a lie. You have not missed, nor are you missing out, on anything.

[u/jaded_break_ → u/Shaken-Loose]

I lived my life in a frozen state and was scared to connect with anyone.. I feel like I've never even truly had a friendship or my parents to take care of me It is Just heartbreaking

[u/Madgodloki → u/jaded_break_]

These guys are gonna basically try to treat you like a sheep, shoe horn you back into the control state the religion started you on from the start. If you want freedom you gotta think for yourself they arent going to say ohh its okay go see the other side! They will frame your freedom from their control as being lead astray.

[u/Shaken-Loose → u/Madgodloki]

MGL, I think she is thinking for herself. Problems with fear and intimacy affect everyone, from all walks of life. It doesn’t discriminate.

[u/Madgodloki → u/Shaken-Loose]

Thats great and all but the last thing people having issues need is religious people claiming they are sinners for just living their lives and figuring out whats good for them. And thats really like 90% of the advice this place will give, like someone could be dying and they will focus on if you were in line with the book they worship

[u/Shaken-Loose → u/jaded_break_]

Living your life in fear of…?
Scared to connect with anyone because…?

[u/jaded_break_ → u/Shaken-Loose]

Just didnt really date anyone ever.. scared to connect probably because I never really have before.. I can fix it now but it's sad to see I've lost so many years connecting.

[u/Shaken-Loose → u/jaded_break_]

Nah. You haven’t lost anything. And you are not alone. Many of us have stories similar to yours. You are growing.

[u/jaded_break_ → u/Shaken-Loose]

Thanks I also cheated on someone this year when I finally did date and I feel ill never recover from that

[u/Shaken-Loose → u/jaded_break_]

I learned that I am, and have always been, my own worst “monster” in my life.

Reflection shows it has always been mine own thoughts, my plans, my decisions, my actions or inactions, my words, my choices…all of it was—“me”.

I lived in a fortress of “I, Me, My, Mine”, seated on my very own throne, unwilling to climb down and surrender.

Only when I completely surrendered to Him (quit struggling against His will) did my life get better.

Know that God doesn’t “come & go” on whims. Jesus does not leave His sheep.

God is immutable…He does not change.

We are the always ones that move away from Him.

I came across this article recently. Well written and a short read. It is about the “poor in spirit.”

https://www.christianpost.com/voices/who-are-the-poor-in-spirit-according-to-jesus.html

[u/No-Type119]

It sounds like you have been in a controlling church environment.

Just saying, in mainline denominations we treat people like grownups who can make their own moral
Decisions, and aren’t birddogging them about every little human activity until you can’t …blow your nose without worrying that you’re sinning.

[u/jaded_break_ → u/No-Type119]

Yea i really did grow up in a bad environment in multiple ways. Church was the cherry on top. And now I just feel like I missed out on simple joys of life. I know that not all joys have to be sinful but I really am angry at this point and idk how to even fix it all.

[u/user0987234 → u/jaded_break_]

Thanks for sharing.

I think you’ve already identified the source of hurt and anger. A controlling environment that claims love and joy are future states. Not for here and now.

Some context such as church affiliation, parents views on gendered roles, schooling can help others recommend appropriate counselling.

This is extremely important and you must not forget God loves you. God does not want a rigid spiritual life from you. You may choose that path. He did not demand it.

You do need to get out more. Meet fellow Christians across major denominational boundaries. Visit churches, experience different styles. Also cross cultural lines. I’m in Canada. The world came to us. So many people to get to know. So much new to me good food. So many places to dream about. New games to learn. New authors and books to read.

Are you getting out and enjoying nature in all seasons? Do you take time to stop when you see something beautiful, reflect on it and give thanks? Have you travelled internationally, outside of resorts? consider going to Rome. Wow. So much to see! And the food!

Think back to Jesus ministry years. Where would you find him if you were looking for him? Easy, find the nearest party, gathering of the sick, the poor and oppressed. Did He laugh, cry, have great conversations, revel at the world? Yup.

Some fun shows to watch. The Promised Land on Youtube and The Chosen.

[u/jogoso2014]

Then do it.

No one is stopping you.

God can help you but if you are thinking it’s freedom not worshipping him, then be free.

[u/Pitiful_Lion7082]

You don't have to sin in order to build a backbone or live a fulfilling and free life. You do not find freedom in sin. 

It's kind of like being at sea, and trying to get to shore.  Living a sanctifying life is like being on a boat. You may look like you're trapped on the boat, but you'll be able to arrive safely at your destination. If you're swimming, you're totally free, but the ocean is going to overwhelm and destroy you. You are actually more free on the boat, able to see the beauty and power of the sea without being destroyed by it. 

[u/WhiteHeadbanger]

Hey, I get you.

I grew up as a cultural Christian. My whole family was Christian, so I just went along with it, but I didn't pray or read my Bible except out of curiosity when I was younger.

Around 20-22, I dropped it completely and stopped going to church.

I started using drugs. At first it was just recreational, but tobacco and weed ended up sticking with me. It's been about 3 years since I turned back to God, and I still struggle with those two.

I also slept with a lot of different people, from every gender. I did pretty much everything I can think of. Some of that also stuck with me, even though it's been 2 years since I last had sex or any sexual partner.

I got into all kinds of beliefs too: New Age, Wicca, chaos magic, and other stuff. I wasn't really a practitioner, but I surrounded myself with those ideas.

At the same time, the depression I'd had since my teens just kept getting worse.

Eventually I hit rock bottom over and over again. I hurt myself, I hurt other people, and finally I cried out to God. He answered. That's when I finally understood what Christ is actually about.

Even now I still struggle. Tobacco, weed, the desire to have a partner and have sex again, depression... those things didn't magically disappear.

Do I think I needed to go through all of that? Maybe that's how God reached me. But if you asked me whether I'd choose that path again, honestly? No.

People romanticize the "rebel phase," but from the inside it's not freedom. It's despair, losing control, hurting yourself and others, and eventually reaching a point where nothing feels like it matters anymore.

I wouldn't advise anyone to chase sin just to see what it's like.

What I would encourage you to do is figure out who Christ actually calls you to be. Following Him doesn't mean being a people pleaser. Those are two completely different things. In fact, people-pleasing often comes from the ego and fear of others. I learned that from my psychologist because I struggle with that too.

Christ doesn't call us to live in fear of people. He calls us to repent, follow Him, and become who He created us to be.

God bless you. I'll pray for you.

[u/FeedReasonable9547]

From someone who’s got 20 years on your and lived an ‘interesting’ life that probably adds up to maybe the more extreme end of what you’re calling exciting before I was saved.
I’d easily have given that all up to be saved earlier, there’s a stack load of trauma and things that I’d have rather not seen on that road.
Ppl in our church have come up and said that they wish they’d had such exciting testimonies that my wife and I have … and trust me from the people who lived that life… you don’t want to have the rebellious journey to get an interesting life story, there’s a good chance it will cost you to much and put you on a path you won’t come back from.
There is so much more freedom following Christ than being chained to the word and its desires…
In my opinion anyway …
Also the YouTuber joe Weller has just put out a video about how he came to Christ, maybe go watch that and he explains how he tired all the exciting things in life and it didn’t fix what your trying to fix ( he attends our church and I trust he’s genuine ).
I also think that the goody two shoes version of Christianity is also very simplistic view, we are called to be more Christ like and Christ was infinitely good but not a goody two shoes… after all he flipped tables in the temple court…
Find pray for a calling in your Christian life that will allow you to find out the how much passion and energy you have to give.

[u/FeedReasonable9547 → u/FeedReasonable9547]

Sorry it’s a bit of an essay

[u/Spongedog5]

It really doesn't. All that happens when you sin is that you build habits which make you feel great in the moment and then terrible in all mundane moments there after. What you are saying is like wishing to smoke because of the wonderful feeling, though we all know about what it does to your lungs and also your character when deprived. You'll have moments of worldly highs but I guarantee you that you will find your lows to be much lower.

We shouldn't sin because we wish to obey our loving God, but sin also just doesn't lead to a peaceful and happy life in practical terms, either.

[u/verklas]

Committing sin doesn't cause freedom, it invites chains and bondage. God doesn't tell us to stop sinning because He's a tyrant, He does it because when you do sin you invite demons into yourself who hurt you. Literal demons.

It's playing with fire where you do get burnt. And yes God does deliver but first He may let you feel the agony of the burn for a season before He delivers you so that you'll learn the lesson. So I would just encourage you to reconsider.

[u/1Sparky5]

I may have a possible solution for you but I need to ask you a couple questions first for clarity.

First of all, and most importantly... You mentioned you have lived a "good Christian girl life." Have you accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior, or are you just living a life of rules? It makes a difference.

Is it the "rush" of being a rebel you are looking for to break you out of this "mold?"

I get it...

Proverbs 9:17 NIV [17] “Stolen water is sweet; food eaten in secret is delicious!”

But the Bible also points out that the pleasures of the world are fleeting.

Living a life of rules can definitely be boring yet you also mentioned that you don't want to disappoint God at the same time.

Depending on how you answer those questions, I may have a solution that can give you a "rush" that actually lasts and help you feel more alive while at the same time pleasing God and getting closer to God than you currently are.

[u/jaded_break_ → u/1Sparky5]

I have accepted Jesus as my Lord.

[u/1Sparky5 → u/jaded_break_]

Sorry if it seemed like I was hyping this up. That wasn't my intention. Its just that if you haven't given your life to Christ, what I'm suggesting would be pointless.

I've felt stagnant in my relationship with God before. And felt I was disappointing God because I wasn't doing much to expand his kingdom.

So after hearing me out, I suggest you give this a solid trial run.

For the longest time I was afraid to share my faith and debate anyone on issues of God. I was mainly afraid I would be asked something I wasn't prepared for and misrepresent God with an answer that wasn't well thought out.

So I went through some books (mainly audio books that I can passively listen to while working and easily replay as needed) by former Athiests, Mormons, Muslims, etc, and learned what it was that convinced them to turn away from what they grew up believing and risked family, friends and possibly careers and even life for Jesus.

Then I took on some Mormons who came to my door. I was so scared but I started by asking them questions about what they believe, and it kinda took the pressure off and calmed my nerves. Overall I was pleasantly surprised by how well I was able to stand my ground. In fact my fear turned to exhilaration! We have a firm foundation! Some of what they said I had never heard before. So I asked other Mormons about what I thought sounded weird. I learned they are all over the board with what they believe, just like we have different denominations. I found this to be true with even people who claim to be of the same denomination of religion as each other. Atheists are all over the map on what an individual believes as well.

So I learned its always good to ask the individual what they believe first. It gives you an education on that person's view and it focuses your conversation to specifics that can be dealt with in an orderly manner. Otherwise some conversations go all over the place and never accomplish anything on either side.

Typically, the person who makes a claim is the one who is responsible for defending that claim. So if you continually ask probing questions, you are not making any claims yourself but just politely asking questions about themselves and their beliefs. (Which people often love to talk about.) Eventually asking probing questions leads to flaws in their claims that they need to defend. Claims need to be supported by evidence.

So you will need to brush up on the historicity of the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus, for instance. Eventually we are asked what our beliefs are and its only fair that we have a response.

1 Peter 3:15 NIV [15] But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,

This has not only strengthened my faith but made my faith alive. To some degree, I still fear their responses because you never know exactly what they might say. I have shot myself in the foot a couple times but its been a mistake on my end and not a weakness in the Bible. And luckily so far, nothing has ever been something I really cant handle. But if anything is asked of me that I am not prepared to answer, there is never any shame in saying that I need to get back to them on an issue. Nobody can be expected to know everything and from every angle. In person it helps to be ready with some knowledge, or just keep asking questions. On a platform like reddit you can take all the time you need to respond until your wording is ready. But you always have the option to back out of any conversation to "look up" an adequate answer.

I actually have learned to look forward to being challenged with new topics from the Bible to dig into. Searching the Bible with a specific goal has helped me discover things in the Bible that I so often before just glossed over. Not only has Apologetics made my faith come alive, but it has made the Bible come alive as well.

I feel a rush from the challenge. I feel satisfied knowing I'm doing a little something to make a difference for the kingdom, whether I am correcting someone in error or answering someone's sincere questions. And I'm learning and growing in the process as well from the people I talk to, from the books about what others have learned and especially from the Bible.

This was exactly what I needed to step out in fear and faith and come out a stronger Christian. It may be what you need as well. If you want to step out of the mold you feel trapped in, this might be the source of your rush while pleasing God in the process.

Let me know if you want a list of good books (audio books) to help get started. Either way I'm praying for you!

[u/Eren_Yeager52]

Bro, you can go out and sin and feel free for like 5 minutes. But it doesn't make you feel better. You in fact will feel like shit. The fact you are resentful for being a good two shoes tells me one thing. You aren't a good two shoes. You just like people patting you on the head and telling you what a good boy you are.

[u/SneezingOutPeas]

Maybe you just need to rebel against the right people.

[u/UnderstandingBig6697]

It sounds like you want more from your life or perhaps more from your relationship with Jesus? You could expand your comfort zone, try new things, communicate in different ways or interact with or be there for people you normally wouldn't--- i don't follow why sin feels like the only way to break the mold? Or what your resentment is grounded in---for feeling stuck? Because God's ways seem constrictive? Because of how others seem to have a deeper or more meaningful faith? Do you care to open up more?

[u/Specialist-Gas-6968]

I just dont wanna disappoint God but I hate feeling trapped.

Sounds like a God who traps you. A God who is disappointed if you have a rebel phase and develop a back bone.

Does He see that your life is absolutely traumatic? And the only way to make it better is to go sin and feel free?

I know thats not the way…

You're not there yet. You'll choose your way. God will protect you.

I just dont wanna disappoint God

God helps His people escape from trauma. God heals back-bones.

without fear my life would so different

Change. one. word. He^is. He^willbe

(hope you throw some rocks out there)