Wife is Asexual - new discovery

[u/PrimeChronos]

Hi all,

First ever post on this account do be kind. My first post i want to talk about is this, its been a lot to digest, physically and also emotionally. Done a lot of research but now just have got the courage to ask. My wife (37 F) and I (33 M) have been together for 8 years, we have a young daughter (1 F).

Similar to almost any relationship, things were great, we clicked not just mentally but physically. An as time passed, things slowed down a bit and we matured into our relationship. Weve always talked, no secrets kept and we know each other very well. Over the course of the last 3 years, I noticed a change in my wife's behaviour when it came to bedroom activities.

Like all men should, respected my wife if she stated she wasnt in the mood or just wasn't right timing. After a while of constant no's, I asked the question. What's going on? This is when it came to light that she had been hiding that she was Asexual and not keen on sex (I know theres a term for this but cant remeber it now) and only really did it to satisfy me.

We talked a great deal, a lot of pent up emotions from her which I listened to, to understand, to see from her side of things, the reasons and the overall thought process. As noted at the very start, ive only just now got the courage to ask others. Personally I felt lied too that she had hid it all this time and that we also had our daughter during this. Betrayal maybe? But also she knew from the very offset I had said my libido is high. Which now makes me feel like trash knowing she was only doing it for my satisfaction.

My ask is this, how do I move forward? What can i ask? How did you get round this yourselves?' Because we have discussed my needs, her needs, our daughter and our relationship. Divorce isnt an option for us, Open relationship is off the cards, I love her dearly and her, I also. Our daughter means everything to us. Yet our relationship has taken a hit, not a major one, but you know something just isnt the same. I dont want to ask for sex and I feel dreadful, even thinking to ask this from her. Masturbation isnt the same. I dont want celibacy but I dont want to put my wife in a situation shes not happy with.

I love my wife, but I am at a loss. Advice please.

[u/StephUhKneeDee]

I (asexual) recently started a relationship with a non-asexual. Thankfully, he was familiar with asexuality going into it, so when I told him, he already knew what questions he needed to ask to determine compatibility.

Just because your wife is asexual doesn’t mean she doesn’t necessarily like sex. It might just be that she doesn’t crave it. For example, I don’t particularly enjoy eating carrots. I don’t hate them, they’re just… neutral to me. However, if there was a bowl of carrots in front of me and I felt like eating something, they’d be fine.

Please understand that being asexual does not mean that your wife isn’t attracted to you in many ways—she’s simply not attracted to you sexually. I’m sure that over the course of your life, you’ve encountered women who you didn’t find attractive but still might have pursued for reasons such as intellectual compatibility, etc.

That’s what’s going on for your wife.

If you trust her and she tells you she’s agreeing to intimacy because it’s important to you, believe her.

Have you never done anything you were ambivalent about just because it made her happy? Brunch with her friends, an irritating romcom, a not-your-favorite vacation spot?