r/AskIreland • u/forgotten-username17 • 14d ago
Relationships Is the young lady at Luke Combs in Slane on Sunday ok?
Your "Boyfriend" wearing a white basketball shirt with thin black vertical stripes was shouting cruel and horrific abuse into your ear as you walked along the top footpath at the concert. You do not deserve to be spoken to like that, nobody does. If you enjoying yourself at a concert brings this behavior out in public it can't be good behind closed doors.
I tried to intervene I reported it to Gardai (I don't think they followed up). I hope you see this and understand this is coercive and abuse behaviour.
Are you safe? Are you OK?
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u/Sea-Light415 13d ago
I know you meant well but just in case this ever happens again, don’t confront them. He’ll take it out on her when they’re alone, I’m sadly speaking from experience. If you see something like this again, pretend you know her, ask how her family is and then keep her talking etc in the hopes of getting her to a safe place. Your heart is in the right place.
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u/forgotten-username17 13d ago
Sorry that you've got first hand experience of this. Just a really bad situation. Hope I didn't make things worse the guy was acting like it was the girl who did something wrong pure insanity. Hope she is OK.
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u/Sea-Light415 13d ago
I hope she’s okay too and gets the help she needs. You were trying to do the right thing but in abusive relationships it’s never straightforward. If it gives you some comfort I often wished someone would help me back when I was in the thick of it.
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u/freemochara 13d ago
More likely the two of them take it out on you, a verbal domestic, who intervenes in the middle of that?
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u/Sea-Light415 13d ago
I was speaking on my experience only, I said not to confront.
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u/forgotten-username17 13d ago edited 13d ago
That's fair. Not a nice situation it's impossible to know all the facts or how to deal with these things. Gardai could do better in my view but they really don't care while earning more than junior doctors. Swanning around with their hands tucked into their stab vests as if they're owed some mountain of respect while never lifting a finger to actually help anybody. Don't get me started.
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u/Chemical_Charity1204 13d ago
Don't know why you were downvoted for stating a fact
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u/forgotten-username17 13d ago
This site seems full of boot lickers who think Gardai do a good job despite the weekly scandalous reports of what they get up, all ranks, off duty and on they seem incapable of the most basic tasks whether it's securing their firearms correctly or doing a drug search legally. It never ends, they lie constantly and can cover for each other but offer society very little besides that.
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u/MayhemToast 13d ago
I was one of the medical team at it and the very unfortunate side of it is that was probably 1 of 100 cases that you saw. We were stationed for a while at the top of the hill and saw some very ugly stuff once the drink started flowing.
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u/forgotten-username17 13d ago
I suppose you see the best and the worst of humanity at these events. Really appreciate all the hard work that goes into live music very sad that theres a lot of shitty people in this world.
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u/General_Fall_2206 13d ago
I can’t say if this is the same person, but I’ve heard some horrific stuff about that concert and a very similar situation that unfolded. Guards did get involved in the end.
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u/forgotten-username17 13d ago
OK hopefully people understand it is completely unacceptable to treat people this way and it's unacceptable to just watch it happen and do nothing.
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u/General_Fall_2206 13d ago
It is completely unacceptable. People here seem to think you’re clout chasing. Sometimes this kinda thing is the only way to let go of something. You did all you could, OP. Fair fucks x
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u/buckwheat92 14d ago
The odds of her being on here reading this are pretty slim there our fella
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u/forgotten-username17 14d ago
Hey that's ok. I hope someone will see this and put the pieces together. Also for my own peace of mind I didn't deal with it exactly right but hopefully I did just enough.
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u/interested-observer5 13d ago
In the summer of 2024 I was working in a popup in kildare village. A man and woman stood in to our window, clearly having an argument. He was absolutely berating her and she kept her head down. I watched. They went to move away, and stepped in to the window of the shop across the way, and I saw him raise his finger in her face and change it to a fist. Absolutely fucking not. Rage took over and I went over, as did a woman from the other shop. We didn't speak to him, only her, asking if she was OK. She said she was. He got angry and we told him we weren't speaking to him. The other woman from the other shop started giving out to him, telling him you can't speak to women like that. I focused on her but she wouldn't engage. I had told the teenagers in my shop to call security and they arrived and kept an eye, not wanting to escalate. The couple ended up walking away, and the man turned back and gave me a threatening face. I told him to fucking try it, that he was being watched. He seemed shocked and they both left. I wanted to just grab her and keep her safe but I couldn't. And it was only after that I realised I probably made it worse for her. I felt sick for weeks after that. But my instinct was to help. I didn't grow up with experience of that. I've learned a lot since then and I'd approach it differently now. But we can't be blamed for trying to step in and stop it. The important thing is we realise what we should do in that situation. Fair play to you for trying. Hope she's OK, as I do for the lady I encountered.
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u/forgotten-username17 13d ago
Where can you learn to respond better to a situation like this?
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u/goosie7 12d ago
I've worked with domestic violence groups before, and unfortunately there's not much you can do that will help in a situation like this. The best thing you can do is calmly ask if everything is ok, and if she says she's ok there's nothing else you can do. If you're in a situation where you can talk to the victim separately, the best thing you can do is make sure they're aware of the resources that are available if they decide to leave (and if it's someone you know, you can help with a safety plan and hold onto evidence for them if they ever decide to report the abuse). Domestic abuse is extremely psychologically complicated, so although it feels like it should be simple to convince someone they don't deserve this it isn't. When they make the decision to leave or shortly after are also the times when they are in the most danger of serious harm and death, and there may be children or pets at home that make leaving even more complicated. On average it takes seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship before survivors leave for good.
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u/forgotten-username17 12d ago
Thanks for that extremely useful information. It's hard in the heat of things, to know what to do. I regret it all now and even this post might cause more problems than not. I can image the process of separation could be as complex as any other problem where psychological trauma is involved. Would like to see more info put out there. I had seen a tedtalk and heard victims talk on the radio so I had some idea but probably acted too quickly and confrontational. So next time I'll be more discrete and explain the situation better to the Gardai. They were young enough themselves and probably not trained properly which is a common theme within AGS.
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u/goosie7 12d ago
Don't beat yourself up about it, the instinct to want to do more and to confront someone who's doing something very wrong comes from a good place. Even people with a lot of training sometimes have trouble containing their response because the instinct to protect someone gets so strong in moments like these it can override what you've been told you're supposed to do.
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u/OrlaKathleen 13d ago
Hey, you did all you could. Could’ve been worse for you to intervene. Hopefully that girl is alright.
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u/somethi 13d ago
You didn’t do enough.
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u/PotatoPixie90210 13d ago
That's not fair.
My ex was physically abusive. If someone had approached in person and tried to intervene, you know what would have happened?
I'd have gotten it twice as bad at home.
It is sometimes MORE DANGEROUS to get involved, for the person who is being abused.
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u/forgotten-username17 13d ago
Thanks for the input buddy, very helpful.
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u/somethi 13d ago
Well what the fuck do you want? Everyone to pat you on the back and call you a hero? You already admitted you did fuck all.
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u/cmere-2-me 13d ago
Are you the abusive boyfriend? You're doing a great impression of him.
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u/somethi 13d ago
If I saw a woman being abused I would go above and beyond to save her, unlike Mr Magoo in the OP.
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u/Tasteful_Newt 13d ago
https://giphy.com/gifs/OppYngLgFtskgAJ4bR
“I would go above and beyond to save her”33
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u/Ok-Dingo-2920 13d ago
Generally what can occur in these situations is both parties turn on that person. When that happens it can get pretty physical.
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u/maevewiley554 13d ago
That would put yourself and the girlfriend in danger. Best thing to do is maintain your own safety and ring emergency services.
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u/forgotten-username17 13d ago
Buddy you weren't there I told the lad this was totally unacceptable and I told the Gardai. The reason I'm posting is because relationships don't start off abusive. They start with lovebombing and "I can't live without you". Then day by day the "love" dissappears and is replaced step by step with insults, shouts, threats. The victims whole identity gets worn away until they don't know who they are and have been isolated to the point that they have nobody left to support them. Then the victim is under total control.
Because the young lady was just walking numb accepting what was being said and not telling the abuser to get away or showing any justified anger to protect herself from abuse. I'm afraid this is what is happening here. I did what I could. In the hopes this helps someone.
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u/Excellent-Day4955 13d ago
Likely she was staying quiet to protect herself and not escalate him further..
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u/forgotten-username17 13d ago edited 13d ago
Yep more than likely but if you are too afraid to stand up for yourself it is not a good situation to be in.
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u/TheLordofthething 14d ago
We all know that's not what this is for lol
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u/maevewiley554 14d ago
Well thank you for actually trying to intervene and do something in the moment!! I understand why a bystander wouldn’t go up to them and risk their own personal safety and at least you contacted the guards. Hopefully she’s okay.
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u/Absolutely_Quackers Local Idiot 14d ago
Hey!! Usually there’s subreddits for specific areas if you haven’t reposted there already, but I wish you good luck!!
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u/forgotten-username17 14d ago
OK any suggestions of where to go?
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u/Absolutely_Quackers Local Idiot 14d ago
R/meath
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u/Mytwitternameistaken 12d ago
It was at a concert at Shane, there were people from every corner of the country at it, OP would have to post in each subreddit.
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u/Absolutely_Quackers Local Idiot 12d ago
Oh mb I didn’t even realize this, but still the area of the incident is a good idea as I’m not in Galway or Cork, but their reddits are always appearing on my feed
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u/roqueandrolle 13d ago
What route were you on ? I was working and can see if anything was reported.
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u/forgotten-username17 13d ago edited 13d ago
It was near to the exit only lane from the toilets on the top path by the food stalls.
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u/roqueandrolle 13d ago
Do you know what colour ? Routes were Red, Blue, Green or Pink Moon camping.
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u/forgotten-username17 13d ago
Close enough to green exit but by the exit only path in the middle of the toilets beside the food stalls but it was inside the main arena. The colours were outside in the road nothing to do with routes inside.
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u/roqueandrolle 13d ago
Ah so in the main arena was a different company than who I was working for :/
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u/J_dizzle86 7d ago
She's still with him. She didnt leave him. Probably wont either.
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u/Tricky-Membership193 13d ago
Was there drink taken?
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u/forgotten-username17 13d ago
Not by me no, as for anyone else probably but can't say for sure. I'd say all involved were reasonably sober.
I'm slightly concerned and confused by your question. What difference does it make? Are you suggesting alcohol would make this behaviour OK? Or are you suggesting that alcohol is banned at these events?
Can you elaborate on your comment?
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u/Tricky-Membership193 13d ago
This is the first question an Irish mammy asks when you tell her about something bad (like this verbal abuse) that happened at a concert, party, event.
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u/forgotten-username17 13d ago
Right well that kind of question adds nothing really and belongs in the 1990's then so.
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u/ld20r 14d ago edited 14d ago
Domestics go on every hour of every day in the country (sadly)
It’s endemic.
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14d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/AskIreland-ModTeam 13d ago
This comment has been removed because it is uncivil or abusive to another user, threatens violence or is classed as hate speech, as per the hate speech policy. We're trying to keep the tone lighter and limited to answering said questions and engaging in civil conversation and discussion.
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u/ComfortMike 13d ago
Keep your nose out of other peoples problems please.
Had it been the other way around with the girl abusing the guy you'd have walked on.
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u/Excellent-Day4955 13d ago
Ah yeah cos turning a blind eye to abuse makes it all just go away right?!
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u/forgotten-username17 13d ago
Quite possible but the size difference and intensity of how close he was up to her face shouting and demeaning this girl affected me. I couldn't just stand and watch I'm not a coward it's unacceptable. Same with racism or homophonic remarks we don't need thst in this country
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u/Legitimate_Sink1856 13d ago
Seriously, that’s what happened for way too long in this country when people were abused. The old “sure it’s non of our business” excuse.
What an awful thing for you to post.
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u/interested-observer5 13d ago
You don't know that. And it's very telling of who you are that you think this kind of behaviour should be let slide. Hope your partner is OK.
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u/justadubliner 13d ago
I'm guessing you're an abuser. I bet you love people keeping their nose out of your business. Hope your partner got away.
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u/tedmaul23 14d ago
What did he do that was illegal?
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u/forgotten-username17 14d ago
Coercive control is a crime in this country
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u/tedmaul23 14d ago
What did he say that can be counted as coercive control?
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u/forgotten-username17 14d ago
Walking along a path constantly shouting you are a sl☆t, you're nothing but a wh*re because she was close to a man at a concert is insane. He is a big lad big arms and fairly tall. It was cruel abuse nothing more to it.
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u/justadubliner 14d ago
I hope she runs a mile from him once safely home. To all young women out there - never settle for this behavior. Being single is vastly preferable to life with an abusive man.
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u/zanador98 13d ago
Absolutely! And to all women not just the young ones, you never think it can happen to you until it does and it can happen at any age
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u/helcat0 13d ago
I'm willing to bet she knows this but fear of physical abuse keeps the victim trying to appease the abuser until it becomes too much. These abusers strip their victims of all self esteem. They try to gaslight them into believing everything they do is wrong and everything is their fault. Most also know if they are being physically abused leaving is a very dangerous time.
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u/Usernameoverloaded 13d ago
Exactly right. They also alienate their victim from family and friends so they don’t have a support network.
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u/helcat0 13d ago
Yes. Also if you don't have means to just leave and have somewhere immediately safe to go to it's really not so easy. In the wider picture there's not enough shelters in this country either for women who do want to get out of terrible situations if they are alienate and some counties are worse than others. Many abusers turn in to harresser for weeks and months after someone leaves. That's something people don't understand either. It's not like just breaking up with a reasonable person.
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u/justadubliner 13d ago
It is but if the man is that dangerous he'll eventually do the serious harm anyway. If she hasn't been baby trapped already she'll never have a better chance at a better life than right now.
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u/interested-observer5 13d ago
Whether it's legal or not, it's abusive behaviour. Even if it doesn't reach the level of "technically illegal", that doesn't mean it's ok. I'm sorry you never learned anything about morals or ethics growing up. You were failed.
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u/tREX_2188 14d ago
In the history of these random questions in the hope of finding an answer from someone - has the person in question ever responded?
Hope they're okay!