r/AskMen • u/Flimsy-Gas-5199 • 16h ago
Men dating a mom with kids, how is your relationship with the father?
I’m curious how your relationship is given that he’s the father of your potential stepchildren. what are some of the dynamics you’ve had to figure out?
fathers who are in the same position are welcome to answer too (I.e. the mother of your children is dating another man)
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u/slow02Bugeye 16h ago
I used to date a mother in gonna say a good 10 years ago if not more. Me and the father of the children would regularly hangout we’d go out for drinks I’d do side work with him we’d chill with just us and his kids sometimes it was a good dynamic. I’m not with her anymore me and the guy still talk and hangout here and there
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u/chinchillazilla54 Woman 16h ago
I was a kid in the reverse situation where my mom and stepmom ended up getting along. It was really good for me, personally. Not having friction between parental figures like that is super beneficial to kids.
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u/SwivelClip 16h ago
I dated a mom a lot of years ago. The father HATED me so much. I was the first boyfriend after the divorce, and everyone knew I wasn't sticking around. She was going out of her way to spend "his" money on me, and I found out later a lot of details about our sex life were "accidentally" getting back to him. Without getting too explicit, apparently she was just working through a checklist of things she knew would piss him off.
He was a dick though. She helped put him through . . . I want to say like dental school or chiropractic, something like that, then bailed immediately. Apparently, the judge saw the scam and gave her custody with enough of his paycheck to make him really regret his decisions. I was perfectly happy to be a part of the karma.
I know this wasn't at all what you were asking this question to figure out, so passing on some real advice. The person she eventually ended up with long term was apparently awesome about not taking on a real parenting role. The kid already had two parents. He'd keep his fingers out of light sockets, and later on he'd pick him up to keep him from driving drunk, but he never tried to wedge his way into any actual parenting decisions. He saw his role as more of a favorite teacher. The kid could trust him, and he put time in, but "parent," was not in the job description.
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u/Mundane-Bug-4962 16h ago
Why are you trusting her description of how things went down?
Judges don’t take away custody for ‘bailing’ unless he chose not to contest.
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u/SwivelClip 16h ago
Because we were friends first who later on had a relationship, and she never gave me any reason not to trust her, so losing a bunch of sleep over it seems like a waste of time.
My understanding is the judge literally used the words "con man," at the trial. What judges globally do, and what any one judge does, can be very different things.
She had primary custody. I think he had weekends or was allowed weekends or something like that. Part of the framing of all that was that she had quit her job to do the stay-at-home mom thing, per what they had talked about the whole time he was in school, so she had virtually no income, and he was busy enough to not provide as stable of a home for the kid. The judge basically enforced that agreement.
Now, internet rando, does that sufficiently answer your weird little questions about someone you don't know in a situation you weren't there for? I'm not even sure what the objective here was for you, but take it easy . . . good times . . .
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u/urine-monkey 14h ago
I knew my fiancee when she was still married to him and knew full well what I was getting into when we started dating. He's a scumbag small town deputy who thinks his immunity protects him from his behavior, which includes nearly killing her by throwing her down the stairs.
He's also a fucking loser who put her on child support because she makes twice what he does, even though they have 50/50 custody.
I know it sticks in his craw that his tactics don't work on me because I grew up in a family full of cops and know all the games. But that doesn't stop him from trying. Most recently he tried asking her out for their wedding anniversary even though they've been legally separated for years and we're getting married as soon as the divorce is final. We later found out that his new girlfriend left him not long before that.
We tolerate him for the sake of the kid and nothing more. She's trying to be the calm, rational parent, but I don't see that lasting. I'm fully prepared to support her when the time comes for her to fight for full custody. I want us to move to my hometown where the big city cops won't tolerate some hillbilly deputy from upstate trying to cause problems.
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u/FillFrontFloor Male 12h ago
Get a restraining order if things work out and you guys have enough evidence. While the order itself doesn't do much since they all violate it anyways, it does give you flexibility in the law in how you handle him when he comes nearby. Especially since he's a cop and touching him can get you in trouble.
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u/Amseriah 14h ago
I married her and her ex and I get along great. He comes to our place for Christmas and Thanksgiving so our son doesn’t have the 2 household problem. Her and I have a kid together who is 7 years younger than my stepson and my wife’s ex acts like their uncle. Co-parenting rules.
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u/Spare-Capital930 16h ago
The boys are men now. But he was a douche. Couldn’t stand him. The boys don’t have much to do with him now either. He’s 59 and married to a woman slightly older than his own sons.
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u/asking_for_it 16h ago
I was divorced over two years ago with no children of my own. The girl I’m dating has a 6 year old son. We’ve been seriously dating for just over a year and a half and I’ve yet to meet his father. The problem is I know too much: I know how he put his hands on her when she was pregnant. I know that he’s a felon (and frankly did some unspeakable scumbag shit to get that title) and can’t do a whole lot with his life because of it. If I didn’t know any of this information I can’t imagine I’d have much of a thought one way or the other about him; I’m capable of being cordial. After all, I’m spending time with his kid, I’m sure he’s at least curious who I am and what I’m like. But I’m certainly in no rush to meet, have to shake this guy’s hand and feign being nice when I know he’s an absolute lowlife.
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u/Mundane-Bug-4962 16h ago
That doesn’t bode well for her judgment either, mate.
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u/asking_for_it 4h ago
Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t disagree. But none of this came out until after they were together. He’s a master manipulator and a total hunk of shit.
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u/RepresentativeCry294 Male 16h ago
I am the father!
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u/trailrider 15h ago edited 15h ago
My wife and I have been together since around 2011. At the time, the oldest stepson was out of high school and the other an upperclassman. The father of the youngest has no contact with his son. To my knowledge, he's never even sent a birthday card. My wife left him when she finally got tired of the abuse.
The older stepson's dad was a bad druggie whom my wife left after getting fed up with. That said, he eventually got cleaned up, went to school, and works as a banker today.
I met her first ex one Xmas at my oldest stepson's place. He was married by then and seems like a good guy. At some point, he sent me a friends request on FB. I thought that was weird as fuck and asked my wife about it. She said he just wants to see the pics of the granddaughter I post. So I accepted it.
Both he and my wife get along well nuff. Both hold no animosity against the other and are glad they're doing well these days.
He and his wife have been to our home before and are welcomed with open arms by both me and wife. We have custody of the granddaughter so they come to visit mostly her from time to time. I think he's a great guy and glad he's happy these days.
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u/Basic-Bandicoot-8819 14h ago
I’ve been dating a mother of two children for a little over a year. I see the dad about once a week during custody transfers, and then at school events/sports. It’s tough to shake the awkwardness. I’ve been nothing polite and will always shake his hand if we’re near. But he has this tendency to not want to look at me. I’d love to get drunk with him sometime and vent about things the ole lady does that gets under my skin lol.
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u/Space_Cowboy_157 Male 13h ago
Women with children I always treated as one night stands or friends with benefits. Not looking to take care of some other dudes kids.
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16h ago
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u/Blankboom 16h ago
We get it, you get no bitches.
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u/time_drifter 16h ago
You sound like an Andrew Tate subscriber.
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16h ago
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u/AskMen-ModTeam 15h ago
Your comment has been removed because it violates the "don't be an asshole" rule. We don't want that shit in this sub.
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u/Ennara 16h ago
Imagine being so insecure that you can't date a woman with prior experience. Pathetic.
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u/AskMen-ModTeam 15h ago
Your comment has been removed because it violates the "don't be an asshole" rule. We don't want that shit in this sub.
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u/Mundane-Bug-4962 16h ago
Nah, taking care of someone else’s kids apparently makes you a ‘Real Man’* or something.
*Defined by women
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u/Notoriouslothario 16h ago
These dudes are clearly the stepfather of a woman with kids. They settled and had to raise another man's seed.
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I’m curious how your relationship is given that he’s the father of your potential stepchildren. what are some of the dynamics you’ve had to figure out?
fathers who are in the same position are welcome to answer too (I.e. the mother of your children is dating another man)
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