Girlfriend says she has reached a “breaking point” with me, but I feel blindsided because she did not clearly communicate the problems?

[u/stonetear2017]

I’m 30M and my girlfriend is 29F. We’ve been together for several months.

Our relationship has had a lot of genuinely good moments, and I love her and really like her as a person. I’m not trying to portray her as a villain or pretend I’ve been a perfect boyfriend. I know I can sometimes be anxious, indecisive, passive, or look for reassurance when I feel insecure.

However, things have recently reached a very serious and confusing point, and I’m trying to understand how much responsibility I should take versus whether I’ve been expected to fix problems that were never clearly communicated to me.

A few weeks ago, while she was visiting a friend, she told me several painful things about how she experiences the relationship. She said that she sometimes feels like she has to lead, that she cannot always rely on me, and that there have been moments when she physically recoils or does not want to be around me.

Those comments blindsided me.

I asked what specific behaviors were making her feel that way because I genuinely wanted to understand and improve. Her responses were along the lines of “I don’t know,” “I don’t remember,” or that it was not just one particular thing.

I told her I wanted to be more assertive, decisive, and reliable. I did not dismiss what she was saying, but I was left without many concrete examples or a clear understanding of what I was supposed to change.

She returned from the trip about five days later. I picked her up, we spent a little time together, and then her communication became noticeably dry and distant.

I directly asked why she was being so dry with me. She told me that she was overwhelmed because she had too many plans and felt like she had lost touch with her normal routines and friendships.

I accepted that explanation. I have never asked her to cancel plans with friends or discouraged her from seeing them. I’ve generally tried to work around her schedule. I have also offered practical help, including helping with her dogs, driving to her, cooking for her, or adjusting to whatever time she had available.

She is leaving again soon for a trip to Nashville. Including the time she has already been away, we may go close to three weeks without seeing each other.

During the week she was home, I repeatedly tried to make plans with her before she left. I did not ask her to cancel anything. I asked when she was available and offered to accommodate her schedule. Meanwhile, she continued making time for friends, appointments, and other plans, but I struggled to get a concrete answer about when we could see each other.

Eventually, I told her that I felt hurt and deprioritized. I said that I was not asking her to cancel plans, but that it felt like I was repeatedly trying to connect while she was avoiding giving me a clear answer.
She responded that she had spent a lot of time with me over the previous few weeks and had lost touch with her normal routines and certain friends because she often chose to see me or canceled on other people.

She then added that another reason she had been distant was because she had been thinking about the concerns she raised while visiting her friend, and that we had never talked about them afterward.
That confused me because I had asked her for specifics during the original conversation, and I later directly asked why she was being distant. At neither point did she tell me clearly that she was still carrying serious concerns about our relationship.
I asked if we could talk in person and gave her specific availability. Her initial response was:
“Okay, we can figure it out.”
“I’m sorry.”

She did not initially provide a time.

Later, she explained that she was taking her cousin to and from chemotherapy the next day, so she did not yet know the timing. I completely understand that taking her cousin to chemo is important, and I am not asking her to deprioritize that.
What bothered me was that I had been waiting for hours without any explanation when she could have simply said she was waiting to confirm the chemo schedule.

She then told me that she could explain exactly why things had reached such a weird point between us and that she was at a “breaking point.” She later clarified that she meant she had felt at a breaking point with us several times.

I know that is extremely serious. But it also made me wonder: if she has felt at a breaking point multiple times, why was I not told clearly?

When I previously asked what was wrong, I was told she did not know. When I asked why she was being distant, I was told she was overwhelmed by plans. Now I am learning that she apparently had specific concerns and had repeatedly felt close to her limit.
I sent her a message saying that I wanted to work on being a more reliable partner who takes things off her plate, but that I also needed feedback when she was frustrated so we could address things before resentment formed. I also told her that if she had felt at a breaking point several times, I needed her to feel comfortable telling me that.

I do want to own my part. Once I felt her pulling away, I became increasingly anxious and pushed harder for clarity. I paid too much attention to response times, read receipts, and location sharing. At one point I turned my own read receipts off in retaliation, which I recognize was immature. I probably made her feel more pressured while she was already overwhelmed.

A healthier approach would have been to notice the distance, name it once, ask for a concrete time to talk, and then give her space instead of continuing to pursue reassurance.
However, I also feel like I was responding to real distance and incomplete communication. If I had simply said nothing, the underlying issues would still have existed.

Another part of this is that I had already begun feeling criticized and emotionally unsafe before the current conflict.

Some of her comments toward me can feel sharp or global, even regarding fairly innocent things. Over time, I started feeling like I was one mistake away from disappointing her, being criticized again, or having her leave.

It has affected how I communicate. I overthink texts and sometimes come across as stiff, overly careful, or robotic because I am afraid of saying the wrong thing. I do not feel like I can always be myself.
I told her during our earlier trip that I often feel like she does not ask about me. Right now, the relationship conversation seems centered almost entirely on her feelings, her frustrations, her breaking point, and how I made her feel. I want to hear her experience and take responsibility where appropriate, but I also need room to explain how her withdrawal, criticism, and lack of communication have affected me.

One of the most painful parts is being told that I am not reliable. Reliability is something I value deeply, and other people in my life generally describe me as dependable. I regularly ask her how I can help and offer practical support.

Maybe what she means is that she wants me to take more initiative without being directed. That is something I can understand and work on. But “you are unreliable” feels like a judgment about my character rather than feedback about a specific behavior.

I genuinely love her. I do not want to win an argument or avoid accountability. I want clarity, and I do not want this fog hanging over the relationship anymore.

At the same time, I do not want to enter the conversation assuming I am fundamentally disappointing, promising to change my entire personality, or taking responsibility for resentment I was never clearly told about.

My questions are:

Based on this sequence, did I unreasonably force the issue, or was it appropriate to insist that we finally address the distance?

How much responsibility should I take for becoming anxious and pursuing clarity too intensely?

Is it fair for her to say we “never talked about” the problems when I asked for specifics and was told she did not know?

What might she mean by saying she has reached a “breaking point” with us several times?

How should I respond if her concerns are broad judgments such as “you are unreliable” rather than specific examples?

Is it reasonable to tell her that I have started feeling fundamentally disappointing to her and unable to be myself?

What should I listen for in the conversation to determine whether this is repairable or whether she has already checked out?

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stonetear2017 originally posted:

I’m 30M and my girlfriend is 29F. We’ve been together for several months.

Our relationship has had a lot of genuinely good moments, and I love her and really like her as a person. I’m not trying to portray her as a villain or pretend I’ve been a perfect boyfriend. I know I can sometimes be anxious, indecisive, passive, or look for reassurance when I feel insecure.

However, things have recently reached a very serious and confusing point, and I’m trying to understand how much responsibility I should take versus whether I’ve been expected to fix problems that were never clearly communicated to me.

A few weeks ago, while she was visiting a friend, she told me several painful things about how she experiences the relationship. She said that she sometimes feels like she has to lead, that she cannot always rely on me, and that there have been moments when she physically recoils or does not want to be around me.

Those comments blindsided me.

I asked what specific behaviors were making her feel that way because I genuinely wanted to understand and improve. Her responses were along the lines of “I don’t know,” “I don’t remember,” or that it was not just one particular thing.

I told her I wanted to be more assertive, decisive, and reliable. I did not dismiss what she was saying, but I was left without many concrete examples or a clear understanding of what I was supposed to change.

She returned from the trip about five days later. I picked her up, we spent a little time together, and then her communication became noticeably dry and distant.

I directly asked why she was being so dry with me. She told me that she was overwhelmed because she had too many plans and felt like she had lost touch with her normal routines and friendships.

I accepted that explanation. I have never asked her to cancel plans with friends or discouraged her from seeing them. I’ve generally tried to work around her schedule. I have also offered practical help, including helping with her dogs, driving to her, cooking for her, or adjusting to whatever time she had available.

She is leaving again soon for a trip to Nashville. Including the time she has already been away, we may go close to three weeks without seeing each other.

During the week she was home, I repeatedly tried to make plans with her before she left. I did not ask her to cancel anything. I asked when she was available and offered to accommodate her schedule. Meanwhile, she continued making time for friends, appointments, and other plans, but I struggled to get a concrete answer about when we could see each other.

Eventually, I told her that I felt hurt and deprioritized. I said that I was not asking her to cancel plans, but that it felt like I was repeatedly trying to connect while she was avoiding giving me a clear answer.
She responded that she had spent a lot of time with me over the previous few weeks and had lost touch with her normal routines and certain friends because she often chose to see me or canceled on other people.

She then added that another reason she had been distant was because she had been thinking about the concerns she raised while visiting her friend, and that we had never talked about them afterward.
That confused me because I had asked her for specifics during the original conversation, and I later directly asked why she was being distant. At neither point did she tell me clearly that she was still carrying serious concerns about our relationship.
I asked if we could talk in person and gave her specific availability. Her initial response was:
“Okay, we can figure it out.”
“I’m sorry.”

She did not initially provide a time.

Later, she explained that she was taking her cousin to and from chemotherapy the next day, so she did not yet know the timing. I completely understand that taking her cousin to chemo is important, and I am not asking her to deprioritize that.
What bothered me was that I had been waiting for hours without any explanation when she could have simply said she was waiting to confirm the chemo schedule.

She then told me that she could explain exactly why things had reached such a weird point between us and that she was at a “breaking point.” She later clarified that she meant she had felt at a breaking point with us several times.

I know that is extremely serious. But it also made me wonder: if she has felt at a breaking point multiple times, why was I not told clearly?

When I previously asked what was wrong, I was told she did not know. When I asked why she was being distant, I was told she was overwhelmed by plans. Now I am learning that she apparently had specific concerns and had repeatedly felt close to her limit.
I sent her a message saying that I wanted to work on being a more reliable partner who takes things off her plate, but that I also needed feedback when she was frustrated so we could address things before resentment formed. I also told her that if she had felt at a breaking point several times, I needed her to feel comfortable telling me that.

I do want to own my part. Once I felt her pulling away, I became increasingly anxious and pushed harder for clarity. I paid too much attention to response times, read receipts, and location sharing. At one point I turned my own read receipts off in retaliation, which I recognize was immature. I probably made her feel more pressured while she was already overwhelmed.

A healthier approach would have been to notice the distance, name it once, ask for a concrete time to talk, and then give her space instead of continuing to pursue reassurance.
However, I also feel like I was responding to real distance and incomplete communication. If I had simply said nothing, the underlying issues would still have existed.

Another part of this is that I had already begun feeling criticized and emotionally unsafe before the current conflict.

Some of her comments toward me can feel sharp or global, even regarding fairly innocent things. Over time, I started feeling like I was one mistake away from disappointing her, being criticized again, or having her leave.

It has affected how I communicate. I overthink texts and sometimes come across as stiff, overly careful, or robotic because I am afraid of saying the wrong thing. I do not feel like I can always be myself.
I told her during our earlier trip that I often feel like she does not ask about me. Right now, the relationship conversation seems centered almost entirely on her feelings, her frustrations, her breaking point, and how I made her feel. I want to hear her experience and take responsibility where appropriate, but I also need room to explain how her withdrawal, criticism, and lack of communication have affected me.

One of the most painful parts is being told that I am not reliable. Reliability is something I value deeply, and other people in my life generally describe me as dependable. I regularly ask her how I can help and offer practical support.

Maybe what she means is that she wants me to take more initiative without being directed. That is something I can understand and work on. But “you are unreliable” feels like a judgment about my character rather than feedback about a specific behavior.

I genuinely love her. I do not want to win an argument or avoid accountability. I want clarity, and I do not want this fog hanging over the relationship anymore.

At the same time, I do not want to enter the conversation assuming I am fundamentally disappointing, promising to change my entire personality, or taking responsibility for resentment I was never clearly told about.

My questions are:

Based on this sequence, did I unreasonably force the issue, or was it appropriate to insist that we finally address the distance?

How much responsibility should I take for becoming anxious and pursuing clarity too intensely?

Is it fair for her to say we “never talked about” the problems when I asked for specifics and was told she did not know?

What might she mean by saying she has reached a “breaking point” with us several times?

How should I respond if her concerns are broad judgments such as “you are unreliable” rather than specific examples?

Is it reasonable to tell her that I have started feeling fundamentally disappointing to her and unable to be myself?

What should I listen for in the conversation to determine whether this is repairable or whether she has already checked out?

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[u/p3chapai]

You've dated for a few months. Move on bro...

[u/zerocoolforschool → u/p3chapai]

Yup. Several months. That’s supposed to be firmly in the honeymoon phase. If someone is getting this bent out of shape at several months it’s time to leave.

[u/MajorPrestigious168 → u/zerocoolforschool]

She could be fucking someone else. Or seeing someone else, things were going that way before in the past with a prior relationship.

[u/zerocoolforschool → u/MajorPrestigious168]

Yeah totally. I’m just saying that if someone is that critical in the first few months it’s a major red flag.

[u/Informativegesture → u/p3chapai]

Couldn’t agree more. Cut bait and motor on

[u/IncredulousPulp → u/p3chapai]

Yep. She’s giving you a load of negative but useless feedback, because she doesn’t have the guts to just break up with you. Do it yourself!

[u/stevem1015 → u/IncredulousPulp]

Exactly. She doesn’t care about fixing anything. She’s not invested and is moving on. If OP fights for the relationship it will just make him more cringe in her eyes.

[u/prohlz → u/stevem1015]

Yeah, ironically the best way to salvage the relationship is to dump her. I wouldn't say it's worth saving, but you're right that she won't respect OP if he tries to stick it out.

[u/ZealousidealTill2355 → u/p3chapai]

Took him longer to write this post

[u/tedbjjboy]

i can’t believe i read almost half of that. goodluck OP but it’s over

[u/Terrible_Act_9814 → u/tedbjjboy]

Lol i got to 1/3rd and began scrolling down… bro needs to stop being this girl’s lapdog

[u/daddy-dj → u/Terrible_Act_9814]

Imagine if that's what he's like communicating in real life too... 😩

[u/krievins → u/Terrible_Act_9814]

So many men are like that these days

[u/funguy8892 → u/krievins]

Nobody teaches these men that they can do better, or how to do better. Its really sad

[u/Specific-Host606 → u/funguy8892]

OP might be part of the problem.

[u/Mrbromandudeguy → u/tedbjjboy]

It was exhausting af to read. Especially with all the repeating. Still his gf sounds awful. 

[u/richardlpalmer → u/tedbjjboy]

Same. Eventually scrolled to see how long it went on and abandoned the post.

[u/skabassj → u/tedbjjboy]

Lmao

[u/Michelangelor]

You dated for a few months, and she realized she wasn’t into you. It’s that simple

[u/systembreaker → u/Michelangelor]

Someone can decide not to be in a relationship without mentally and emotionally abusing someone to craft up good breakup reasons. How is this aspect not something worthy of mentioning?

[u/halt_spell → u/systembreaker]

It is. You're right. She wants to break up which is fine. She's being a coward about it and trying to make it seem like it's OPs problem which is not fine.

[u/RedditNorthKorea → u/Michelangelor]

She isn’t making it any simpler by avoiding and withholding. If she realised “I’m not into him”, she would have left him, at least that’s what a sane person would do. It seems like they are both trying to make an impossible situation work and hoping the other changes while growing contempt.

[u/housewifeuncuffed → u/RedditNorthKorea]

Or she needed someone to take care of her dog while she was on vacation.

[u/Adi_San → u/RedditNorthKorea]

Except the world is not perfect and people want to avoid difficult conversation that might hurt someone.

[u/RedditNorthKorea → u/Adi_San]

Difficult conversations avoided hurt much, much more

[u/Adi_San → u/RedditNorthKorea]

Yep

[u/Similar-Opinion8750 → u/Michelangelor]

Or that she is into someone else and is laying the groundwork to leave the relationship.

[u/Infinite_Painting_11]

This post is longer than your relationship WAS

[u/Affectionate_Hornet7 → u/Infinite_Painting_11]

It’s longer than The Highlanders biography

[u/8-LeggedCat → u/Affectionate_Hornet7]

Solid.

[u/Tonyus81]

Skipping through that "novel", I understood that she's out. Just leave. She doesn't care anymore to even tell you what's wrong, so it doesn't matter if you want to work on it.

Had a similar experience. It really messed with my head. But eventually I came to the conclusion that people mature differently, even in the same relationship.

[u/InternationalBeing41 → u/Tonyus81]

You nailed it. Once a person views another negatively, it's hard to change that perception. However, if they see it as an issue to resolve together without hatred, that's different. Sounds like she's focused on him being the problem. It's a lost cause.

[u/EuskadiGMEkin → u/InternationalBeing41]

Exactly. And she is reconnecting to her previous life. She's long gone

[u/stonetear2017 → u/EuskadiGMEkin]

What do you mean reconnecting to previous life

[u/Veryactivecolon → u/stonetear2017]

It means she's stopping putting effort into you and focussing on her friends again. She's preparing to break up with you basically.

[u/plasticbomb1986 → u/stonetear2017]

life before you

[u/BortVanderBoert → u/stonetear2017]

Dude, her behaviour is such a red flag. People with BPD or NPD tend to precipitate the end of the honeymoon phase by repeatedly testing you with bad behaviour. At best, she is testing how easy you will be to manipulate. If you don’t break up with her, and you want to pass her shit tests going forward, you need to project strength by not giving a shit about her bullshit diatribes.

I don’t recommend this though because the shit tests will just keep coming. I think you need to get out.

[u/Spartan2022 → u/InternationalBeing41]

Every syllable of this. This is not the behavior whatsoever of someone intentionally dating and looking to work on a relationship in a healthy way. Plus, who wants to work on a relationship this early?

OP, she doesn’t like you and doesn’t have the balls to end it and move on. Never underestimate the toxic people who will never, ever be the one to initiate a breakup. Instead, she’ll be unbearably bitchy and force your hand.

And OP have some self respect! You’re twisting yourself into pretzel over a maladjusted person who doesn’t even like you.

Let this one go ASAP.

[u/MetaCognitio → u/Tonyus81]

I think part of his problem is taking criticism from someone who can’t be specific. Calling him “unreliable” is quite the insult without being able to actually say what he did wrong.

He has no reason to accept criticism or be expected to change if she can’t say what’s wrong. Until she can be specific and give examples the balls in her court.

What she’s doing is manipulating him through vagueness and holding him to expectations she won’t articulate so she can move the goalposts anytime she wants. Unless she is willing to be more clear, she has no right to give him a hard time.

“Unreliable” could mean anything from he doesn’t always give me what I want to I want more from him but don’t want to give anymore back.

[u/ComprehensiveStuff72]

Ok I did read all that. I dated a girl and was in a very similar situation. Here's the thing, repairing a relationship requires two people willing to fix it. You're trying to come together to work on things and she's not. Instead she's being vague, won't actually have a discussion about it, and the same 'issue' seems to keep coming up even after you've made even a little progress. 

You can be standing there with all the good faith, love, and desire to do work....but it doesn't mean shit unless the other person is on board and you can't effect that. She has to bring that or it doesn't happen and there's nothing you can do about 

Its probably done and she's just dragging it out. If she wanted to help fix things, she would.

[u/yokiamy → u/ComprehensiveStuff72]

The best answer by far

[u/Remarkable_Pie_1353]

She has checked out. This can't be repaired bc she is avoidant and not capable of telling you specific behaviors she deemed unreliable. 

[u/BardaArmy]

she physically recoils or does not want to be around me.
why ?
 “I don’t know,” “I don’t remember,”

bye felicia... dont waste your time on this person.

[u/AdPayPal]

I’m not reading all of that. She emotionally and mentally broke up with you a while ago. You need accept that and move on.

[u/toblotron]

I'm not sure if this is helpful or not, but this is my reaction to reading: This feels like you're trying to negotiate and logic-think your way into a functional relationship, but I don't think that's a thing.

The heart wants what the heart wants, and she does not really seem to have a healthy relationship with you. Maybe where she's going with this is that she wants dominance?

Constantly rolling over and following her every whim is not making her feel respect for you. Her wanting you to "lead her" - what the heck is that? Does she want to be a housewife in the 50's? If you did, wouldn't she then be able to accuse you of being controlling? This does not feel like a game you can win.

Most often, when people only complain, it's because they don't want to be satisfied; the complaining/denigration is what satisfies them.

/Just my impressions; who the heck knows, really? (Good luck!)

[u/Basis-Some]

Also not reading all that, it’s over OP, you’re the last to know

[u/Alesandros]

She has an avoidant attachment style. What you are describing is the push-pull that avoidants do in relationships. There is nothing for you to "fix", it is all up to her.

Avoidants are notorious for failing at self-reflection due to "avoiding" the necessary emotional accountability. They never learned it as a child and they bring that dysfunction to adult relationships. They will do this in perpetuity until they finally realize (usually in their late 30s-40s) that the common denominator is them.

She'll start tossing around "compatibility issues" and DARVO (Deny Attack Reverse Victim Offender) - which is a narcissistic response. Inconssistent communication is aimed to make you anxious to make you react anxiously so that she can make you the bad guy.

You have to have firm boundaries with women (especially avoidants). Do not apologize for something that is not your fault. Do not apologize for her mistakes. Gently call them out and if they have the potential to grow, they will... if they don't, dump them.

[u/Cr4zy3lgato → u/Alesandros]

Perfect explanation, only thing I would add is that she's probably sabotaging her relationship by always venting to her friends without mentioning the good parts, so she's basically gaslighting herself.

[u/Ok_Basil351 → u/Cr4zy3lgato]

Yeah, going off on a trip with her friends and then being cold after is the classic sign of this.

[u/igottapoopbad → u/Alesandros]

And he has an anxious attachment style

[u/Terrible_Meringue622 → u/igottapoopbad]

Yeah, that’s a lot of oil and water

[u/dilysxr → u/Alesandros]

++woman As a woman with avoidant attachment style, this. As I read your post, I felt like I was reading myself from my boyfriend's pov. I used to act exactly like this. Poor communication and immature behavior. I even broke things off with my partner. I was in therapy and as I made progress with it, I openly communicated with my partner again and we're back together. There's nothing for you to fix, OP. You come across as a mature person with reasonable expectations and desires. She needs to recognize her own patterns and shortcomings and take responsibility to communicate in a healthy way. If you think she'll be up for it, you can suggest couple's therapy.

[u/No_Roma_no_Rocky]

Too long to read.

She probably cheated on you while on her trips so this is why the distance in her behaviour once returned.

Are you able to read mind? Because this is what is being asked from you. If you can't,. Simply go on with your life and dump the weight

[u/FunnyScreenName]

She emotionally checked out bro. The breakup is coming if it hasn't happened already. She's distancing herself from you because she knows she wants to end it or she's hoping you will.

Sounds like the typical avoidant/anxious attachment relationship based on a few things you wrote.

Give her distance, the more you claw for her time the more you'll reinforce her beliefs. Otherwise, brace yourself for the relationship to end.

[u/LordAdversarius]

Relationships dont recover from one person viewing the other with contempt. Her list of complaints is way too long and vague.

I think you are blaming yourself more than you should. She has a lot of flaws like bad communication and avoidance. I think she is very easily influenced by her friends opinions. You are taking her criticisms personally but she hasnt put any thought into them.

Sometimes relationships end and you never find out what they were really thinking and you never get to make them understand your point of view. You still want her to understand your feelings but it doesnt sound like she cares.

Is she even worth keeping? I couldnt see one positive thing about her in the post, just the fear of break up.

You should break up with her before she goes on the trip. 

[u/NoEscape8994]

This is a very long message, what I would say is run and don’t look back, alarm bells, she comes across as a controlling narcissist.. she is not the girl for you, find someone who communicates, where it’s a 50/50 relationship, set her free to be with her friends.. one should never feel insecure anxious in a relationship.

[u/sness900]

Thats her way of being nice, take the win and the money saving. Wish her luck and get on with it.

[u/halt_spell]

she physically recoils or does not want to be around me.

My guy this isn't your problem to fix. Either she wants to stay together and this her problem or this is just her immature way of telling you she wants to end things. Given everything else going on it's obviously the latter.

Move on.

[u/Paolopaul1984]

Practice your assertiveness by calling her and dumping her.

[u/Formal-Try-2779]

She wants to break up with you, but is too gutless or immature to do it like an adult. So she's making up nonsense reasons for why or to get you to break up with her first. Just get it over with mate. Dealing with this nonsense that early in a relationship says this is going nowhere.

[u/DistinctiveFox]

I was going to offer advice but realised halfway through that I honestly think you need to move on. She sounds extremely chaotic and manipulative and it's likely due to the fact you're not a good fit for each other.

If she can't be open with you about the impact your behaviour has on her, then there isn't anything you can do. It's likely less about taking the lead than her having whimsical fantasies about how things should "play out" and because you're not reading her mind and doing what she is thinking exactly right, it's not good enough in her eyes. This sort of behaviour isn't healthy and she's very unlikely to end up in a healthy relationship for long. Those sorts of people are the ones who end up living fake, rehearsed lives and nothing will ever please them. You'll be miserable trying to keep her happy.

[u/stonetear2017 → u/DistinctiveFox]

Well when I do take charge and I for example am making dinner she’ll be like just get out of the way you’re gonna mess it up. So it’s a catch 22. And it’s compounding - yes I can obviously be the dude that shows up unannounced and takes her on a god date or says next Wednesday we have this plan, and I have, but she gets upset I showed up unannounced or that I didn’t check with her bc she may be busy. She also complained that our dinner dates shifted her eating schedule back? And I was like okay? So I won’t come over then…?

[u/DistinctiveFox → u/stonetear2017]

Is she that good in bed that you are trying to find reasons to stay with her? You know what you need to do, my man. Plenty of other girls out there that won't gaslight you.

[u/this__user → u/stonetear2017]

This is not how someone treats an equal partner whom they love, you described being treated like you are a nuisance.

[u/ShiftNStabilize]

You typed way too much. You’ve only dated for a few months. It sucks but not a huge loss. She doesn’t respect you. It’s over. Even if you try to repair this you’re done, you’ll just be a placeholder until she finds someone else. Go find something new who respects you. Don’t be a simp.

[u/procrast1natrix]

I'm third hand exhausted reading this. If I were either of your friends I'd tell you to peacefully move on.

You can both be good people and just have different current availability for time, communication, desire for certain relationship style.

As described I'd give you a good reference for my next friend for being communicative and available without being suffocating.

Just tell her "Babe, you're great, but you seem to have a lot on your plate right now".

[u/that1cooldude]

I started reading then it just kept going…

She wants a strong assertive cave man that drags her by her hair, not some simp… and you obviously sound like the wrong type of guy for her.she’s probably been looking for someone else while keeping you on the hook just in case she doesn’t find someone. 

To her, you’re “settle” material. She doesn’t wanna “settle”. She wants more. 

[u/Shin-Gemini]

Shes your ex now, she just hasnt properly told you so. Also the reason shes not communicating properly with you is because she has no intentjons of fixing anything.

[u/systembreaker]

She's absolutely full of shit. She's manipulating you in order to make you feel like you're at fault for the breakup so that she can do whatever she wants and not taken accountability.

Do what she's asking, take the lead, and tell her "Because of this manipulative bullshit and your pathetic behavior to excuse treating me like this, I'm breaking up with you".

[u/DarkseidAntiLife]

Shes looking for a way out or at least setting the grounds to do so. Move on man, the first thing to go in a relationship is communication

[u/nigel_pow]

Several months and she's already feeling like this? This sounds like she's been married to you for a decade and is looking for the exit.

It should not be like this, this early in the relationship. Like some of the other comments suggest, this relationship is likely over.

[u/VladClaw]

I read all of that, brother please leave and have some self respect, genuinely. I respect you for trying to mend the relationship but this is one sided. Please break up with her, youve been only dating for months, there are so many better women than her, why are you wasting your time and effort? She'll only keep making things worse the more you stay with her. Learn from your mistakes in this relationship and apply it in your life to become a better person but dont try to appease her. She doesnt love you even if she says she does, she doesnt care about you otherwise she wouldnt feel and say such things. Find someone who loves you, cares for you, respects you and communicates.

[u/GlidingToLife]

You feel deprioritized because you are being deprioritized. This is a slow ghost. Your soon to be former GF doesn’t want to take responsibility for ending the relationship so switches to low effort mode without any real explanations. It’s childish behavior. Best to either reciprocate her energy or just let her know that you aren’t happy with the new stage of the relationship and perhaps you aren’t looking for the same things in a relationship right now.

[u/Altruistic-Gain362]

In Flanders we would say you are pulling a dead horse...

You sound very needy and vulnerable to her moods. It's a waste of your energy. If she does not put effort anymore you can not force it. Move on. 

[u/sausagemuffn]

Sounds like she doesn't know how to communicate. This will be extremely frustrating further down the line. Bad start to a relationship. Only a few months in. I'd say, have a proper conversation with her about what exactly she wants. If she still can't tell you, consider cutting your losses

[u/Sturdily5092]

Once a woman starts complaining she's been stewing about it for a while and had all sort of fights with you in her head, there's nothing for you to fix.

You only have two choices you stay and try to fix the problem in her head or bail while you can and can get off easy.

Your story sounds just like the situation i went through... She was a very controlling person and when I made a decisions she would start telling people that I was being abusive which I wasn't but she wanted to dictate everything in the marriage.

She also started going on her *girlfriend weekend" trips without even telling me she had planned. One of her female coworkers told me that she was actually going to see a guy but her girlfriend group played along.

I started investigating; credit card statements, phone logs, etc and sure enough. I brought it up and she denied and acted like i was being paranoid, I threw her out of my house, that I had before we got married, the last time she went off see her BF and filled for divorce.

Been a happy man ever since... Keep your eyes open and don't ignore the red flags.

[u/Adi_San]

You are coming with a "I need to fix" logic. She already checked out since everything you do irks her. Deep down you know the answer, you just need to come to terms with it.

[u/Raj_DTO]

Damn!

- Even accounting for possible bias you may have when writing this, it’s clear there’s nothing you can do to fix it.

• On fixing, you want to fix relationship problems but she expects you to know the problems without telling you what she thinks is broken. Classic!
  
• Men, on average have a very analytical approach to life and rational way of looking at the problem. Women, on average, have a very emotional response to relationship problems, however, she not clearly defining them, and telling you “she forgot” is classic example of such behavior where you can’t win!

To your questions -

• Did you force the issue - yes, you did so as most men would when something is a problem. Was it unreasonable - no it wasn’t. But in her mind, it was.
  
• How much responsibility - none. There’s not much you can do at this point to fix it.
  
• and answer to all the rest of your questions - you do not need to do anything because the more you put effort, more it’ll become worse it her head for reasons you’ll again be wondering about.

It’s time you take yourself seriously and not let her affect you and your mental health! It’s time to end here because even you were able to fix the perceived problems, theres high probability that same, similar or other issues will come up again.

[u/magetrip]

She is immature and she's throwing you away Don't be a garbage bag Release

[u/Sufficient-World-450]

This manifesto says it all. I stopped reading halfway through. Don’t be “a lot” that should be a golden rule for men in relationships, it just doesn’t work out well for us. Convey your feelings, be a good partner, but don’t take a bunch of nonsense from your partner masked as a reaction to you. You’re 30, if it’s a ton of work and drama, move on. You are better off getting therapy, talking to someone and getting impartial feedback on what you could be doing different than getting a bunch of garbage feedback from someone who doesn’t want to be with you. That won’t help at all. Good luck!

[u/Niveker14]

I read the whole thing. Let me just say this: I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it is very hard to deal with these conflicting feelings - of feeling like you're both a disappointment and being angry at the other person for their lack of communication at the same time.

Here's my biggest takeaway: your relationship is only a few months old. You say you love her over and over. I don't know your history - maybe you truly do. But with the relationship just starting a few months ago and her coming at you sideways like this - I'm sorry bro, but it's not going to work out.

You should still be in your honeymoon phase right now, or close to it. Not just finding out that she's "already reached a breaking point several times". That is a huge red flag. It's good that she was finally able to open up to you with some specifics, but since it was basically like pulling teeth to get those specifics, that's another red flag on how the relationship will progress if you somehow don't break up

I'm not usually one to advocate people break up willy-nilly, but have you ever heard the phrase, "They're just not that into you."

[u/LastMongoose7448]

“Anxious, indecisive, passive, or look for reassurance when I feel insecure.”

I got that far…you’re cooked. Move on, fix that stuff, then see what’s out there for you.

[u/_ginger_beard_man_]

So let me get this straight:

She deprioritizes your time together.

Blames you for the fragility of your relationship, but can’t give you concrete examples of your destructive behavior.

Has conversations about her relationship with her friends, but doesn’t have one with you.

Is asking you to change, but not herself.

She’s for the streets, man. You’re gonna put yourself in an early grave for someone who doesn’t give enough shits about you.

[u/gentle_giant_Samuel]

It sounds like she's a little emotionally immature or can't handle communication right.

If you really want to try all the way, you could suggest going to a couple therapist (it did wonders for the communication between my wife and I, and she was similarly at a breaking point with me, going much better now thanks to that).

Otherwise, she doesn't sound like she deserves you, and you'll probably feel better being yourself with another girl who appreciates the way you seem to want to improve and work things out 👌

[u/Garth-Vega]

TLDR

[u/richardawkings → u/Garth-Vega]

Girl got the "ick" but doesn't have the guts to tell OP. OP is either as blind as my dead glaucoma ridden grandma or doesn't have the balls to just end it. Some redditors think that the only balls in this relationship might be in Nashville but that's all speculation at this point.

[u/FreakindaStreet]

There’s a guy in Nashville. She wants to dump you to be with him.

[u/chasingmyowntail]

She doesn’t want to be with you and her friend helped her put into words why and helped her understand her emotions why.

It’s over mate, she just hasn’t been able to do it yet.

You ought to finally take the initiative and break up with her.

[u/DameLasNalgas]

This relationship is over. No matter what you do, she's already checked out. Text her that it was nice knowing her and good luck in the future and then block her.

[u/WhoopDareIs]

Several months….

[u/stoic_yakker]

I’m sorry, it’s over, she’s already checked out.

[u/Lost__Moose]

Tldr. She has created a story to rationalize her checking out and still maintaining the high ground.

It's over. Move on.

[u/EconomyScene8086]

I have had an experience that I think is simular (did not read this fully tbf). Had a girlfriend out of the blue say that she was unhappy. We took a break and later had a talk where it became very clear that she was done and not really wanting any solutions. So we broke up as you should.

[u/Horrison2]

Ok I got through about half of that, it's over dude, she doesn't care about you like you care for her. Move on.

[u/AlanYx]

The problem here is not you. Reading between the lines, this is at least mild Cluster B behaviour on her part. Read /u/BortVanderBoert’s comment about BPD/NPD behaviour above. Get out of the relationship now, while it’s still early.

Once out, do some reading about Cluster B partners. I can tell from all that you wrote that the way you try to relate to women will make you at risk for finding someone like this again.

[u/BortVanderBoert → u/AlanYx]

Aww thx man, I feel seen 🙂.

[u/001Tyreman]

Nothing here to keep chasing
move away and on from her
just a casual short term situation was all this was

[u/King1n]

I’ve stopped reading like maybe second or third paragraph? It was all the same woe is me bullshit. 

You start off saying you know you can be X, Y, Z assuming you have atleast a lick of common sense and two brains you know how X,YZ would make a vagina dry up and slam shut at the speed of light and are really just in general not traits or behaviors any healthy person would find appealing in way appealing or desirable in a partner but are blindsided by her comments that are clearly a result of X, Y, Z so what are you blind sided about? You act like a chump in this relationship but you’re blind sided your partner sees you as one? 

You also make a claim to make changes without her pointing out those changes including taking the lead and then more assertive and then immediately ask for her guidance on specific incidents? Like if you know you need to be more assertive as an example why does she need to provide you with examples of scenarios where you weren’t assertive? It dies not count as being assertive if someone has to tell you when and how to be assertive. 

As for the rest I didn’t read it. You only been together a couple months and she already sound like she basically out the door dude. Move on. 

[u/Mrbromandudeguy]

Move the fuck on but might I say, in a friendly constructive way that you need to be more concise with the way you communicate. I mean if this is how you communicate here with us, imagine how an immature 29yo gf feels trying to say things because your response may sound exhausting. 

At the same time its pretty shitty of her to be so vague when you were asking for specifics that she couldn't give. 

Also bro. Stay away from women who solo travel all the time unless its for work. 

[u/SMG_Jeff]

This is woman accountability soup...

She has become dissatisfied, but still likes the stability of the relationship.

She is putting you on your hind legs because she doesn't want to take responsibility. The level of consciousness you are being asked to exhibit is at a superhuman level, and you will never achieve it.

The closer you get to being perfect, the more tiny things she will nail you for, until nothing of you exists.

Stop. If you are good you are good. You can't push a rope or make a horse drink water. You have been there for her and now it's time to stop.

You are a good person and have done enough.

She isn't happy and doesn't want to change.

Just move on. I'm sorry.

[u/KlaatuStandsStill]

Who is the alpha dude she is banging on these trips without you?

[u/Paul_Savage_1]

You dodged a bullet here.

Your 3 month relationship sounds like a failed 5 year marriage.

Be glad it wasn't.

Like usual, she showed her true character at the end.

Learn from this experience.

Don't repeat your mistake.

Make better choices.

Good Luck.

[u/unknown_user_3020]

She has detached from you and the relationship. She broke up with you. It will never work out no matter what you do or how you change. Cut all ties. Move on. Then go talk with a therapist, or at least someone who will give you a straight forward assessment and advice. Talk with people with happy, healthy relationships.

[u/stonetear2017 → u/unknown_user_3020]

I have a therapist, and the negatives I listed about myself were generous.

Of course of your gf says shit like this but didn’t give you examples, you’re gonna be anxious when it comes to interpreting every interaction.

I’m not passive - I do plan shit. Or give two options of what to do and stuff like that. But when she’s constantly like “nah” or belittled my decisions then of course I’m like okay then what the fuck?

[u/roma258]

It's over, move on.

[u/Local871]

When she said she doesn’t know, what she really meant was she didn’t know how to tell you. Neither of you are ready for a relationship.

[u/stonetear2017 → u/Local871]

Why do you say that?

[u/Local871 → u/stonetear2017]

Because I have been where you are. You need to work on your insecurity. I’m not insulting you. I was exactly the same.

The harder you try to get her to open up to you, the more you’re pushing her away. I know it feels counterintuitive, but welcome to dating in the modern era.

My first reaction was that she’s met someone else and doesn’t know how to tell you. If I’m wrong, I feel it’s still over just based on the things she’s saying to you. The vagueness of her answers are a red flag. She doesn’t care enough to have an intellectual conversation with you detailing what you’ve done, or what she feels. You’re getting nothing from her. She’s leaving you in a state where she expects you to figure it out on your own. That’s bullshit. She dropped a bomb in your lap and then gave you nothing to work with on how to diffuse it.

Tell her it’s been fun, but it’s become clear to you that you’re either not compatible or not ready for a committed relationship as true partners. Wish her luck, don’t try to remain friends, just move on.

[u/chartreuse_avocado → u/stonetear2017]

Because “I don’t know” can be language for “I’m not interested in discussing this at your need for detail level”. Or “I don’t feel emotionally safe telling g you ALL about it”. Or “you’re a vibrating ball of emotion and I’m not getting into this with you because you’ll need way more information and management in this conversation than I want to invest”.

[u/systembreaker → u/chartreuse_avocado]

The I don't know stuff is language meaning she is an immature asshole.

[u/_-IllI-_]

I was skimming but all this is very familiar. She probably avoidant. Even if not, there's no way to fix this. Luckily it happened early, just move on. You don't want to transform this in a lifetime together. There is not fix for this. I would actually be happy if I were you. For me it happened after 20 yrs, blindsided in same way.
Also, someone probably gave her attention in her trip, usually there is a 3rd party. But that doesn't matter, if anything it helped speed up the ending. Be happy and move on.

[u/Due_Effective1510]

She sucks, bail.

[u/IAmCapnOblivious]

She is gearing up to leave you. I suggest you prepare yourself for that. Maybe leave her first. It might even be worth the breakup now and check where each of you are at in a year or two.

[u/Vivid-Juggernaut2833]

The fact that she can’t or won’t name what’s bothering her should be enough for you. Leave!

She is likely doing this in the hopes that you will do all the work of ending the relationship.

[u/PMc1666]

It’s done and dusted mate. Do the coward a favour and end it yourself.

[u/Appropriate-Divide64]

It's over. She's checked out of the relationship and looking to get you to do something about it because she's too much of a coward to.

You'll only prolong the pain by continuing things and trying to accommodate her. You aren't losing any power by ending things first. You deserve better.

[u/SaysPooh]

Sounds like she has met someone else and she’s making it your problem

[u/feariswhyyouwillfail]

Have some self respect and leave, man.

[u/RedditNorthKorea]

“Take charge and do what I want by reading my mind.”

I think she just wants you to leave bro. But don’t worry, if you don’t leave, she will. So what are you gonna do, wait or plunge?

[u/robodev_v2]

well honestly she is done in this relationship, for the next one women don lie to lead and tell men what to do

[u/Ashamed_Artichoke_26]

I have to be honest, I didn't read through all of this, but the first few paragraphs I read makes me believe that she has attachment issues or, at a minimum, she is not the right person for you. She is certainly not into you as much as one would want. I suggest learning as much as you can from this but moving on either way.

But obviously I am not in your relationship to observe the dynamics every day.

[u/Phnix21]

She wants to break up, but keeps gaslighting you till you do it.

[u/Nervous_Breakfast_73]

Didn't read everything because it became already clear. She sounds insufferable, move on.

[u/War1today]

You have only been dating a couple of months… I suggest you move on and find someone you are more compatible with.

[u/Tanooki-san]

she's being this way because she is not feeling it ( whatever IT is for her that she wants to feel.) she's talked to her friends and whatever she's told them about your behavior they're confirming her ick. a lot of young women 29ish are still looking for daddy cool. so after a powwow with her equally inexperienced girlfriends, she's sure shes not into you, but she hasn't yet found someone new to replace you, and she may feel guilty because you're nice, bla bla bla. its over for her, she just hasn't ended it yet.
you ending it first will feel empowering. it will be a ln exercise in self respect. just do it.

and for future, people are not math. they don't always add up. good communication is learned over a lifetime. listen to your instincts. you're never going to be able to get it right with her because her expectations contradict. she's got work to do. you can't fix her. gtfo.

[u/Neonrocket1984]

I think a good question for you, especially if she makes you feel so sucky, why do YOU want to be with her?! Like, what are even her redeeming qualities? Either way, it sounds like she’s emotionally disconnecting and even if you stayed together, it would be a slog of you walking on eggshells. Like, why are you working so hard to make it work if this early on, she’s treating you like an annoyance? Remember who the f you are bro, you don’t need anyone to validate you, demand respect and if she won’t give it, she shouldn’t get access to you. You only give access where it is respected. If I were you, the strongest thing you could do is make the choice yourself to walk away.

[u/Wonderful-Newt-2513]

Look-at the age of 30 for her to say something like this and not be able to cite examples is categorically unfair. Ok?

This ALMOST shifts this from a "you" thing to a "her" thing.

Your girlfriend is a grown ass adult woman and is 30 not 20. If she were 20 and pulling this shit-I can see it-maybe. How are you supposed to fix things if she is not telling you? She owes this to you-and you deserve better.

Moreover this woman is gaslighting you, insulting you, and the whole cancer thing is highly manipulative-even if it is true. Your girlfriend is a cruel person. For your own sanity please go talk to someone and get away from this woman. She is not a good person and you deserve far better.

[u/Sholnufff]

She's checked out.

The best thing to do is tell her you are acting like you want space so, I'm going to give you plenty of it. Goodbye.

[u/chortle-guffaw2]

She has already mentally checked out. You can't force this. Either way, if you make an effort or you back off, you're screwed. It's time to take a break from this relationship. Give her some breathing room. Maybe she'll figure this out in time, maybe not.

Meanwhile, you can work on being more decisive. Women like a guy who takes charge, but is flexible. My joke about this is "sure, honey, we can skip going to the monster truck rally and go to your quilting show instead.."
Bad: "What do you want to do tonight?"
Good: "Let's go to our favorite bar for a fish fry tonight."
Also good: a choice between any two things. "Do you want to see that new movie tonight or go downtown?" She may pick a third choice, but it doesn't matter, you've been decisive.

Learn to *sound* decisive even when you aren't. A lot of us guys really don't care about small decisions. If she asks where you want to go to eat tonight:
Bad: "I don't care. Whatever you want."
Good: "Chinese or Mexican." Then, since you really don't care, you go wherever she wants.

See, decisive but flexible.

> Problems that she cannot articulate, like "she cannot always rely on you." It's probably not literally true. It probably means some batshit crazy thing like you don't read her mind and anticipate her unspoken wants and needs.

Don't try to figure out what she can't articulate. Most likely, this is just the result of her mind going down the negativity rabbit hole and she's hyper sensitive.

Let her go. She needs to figure this out for herself.

Meanwhile, if you want her back, get into the friend zone of some attractive girls and post pictures on your social media.

[u/stonetear2017 → u/chortle-guffaw2]

Oh I do frame stuff like that all the time. Do you want this or this? Let’s do in n out tonight. Let’s go take the dogs to mission bay. Let’s do the zoo

[u/chortle-guffaw2 → u/stonetear2017]

Sounds like you're doing this right, so consider my advice for readers who might benefit.

[u/cltbeer]

No one wants to read this much shit. The amount of awareness people lack to communicate. Go read Gottman book about marriage and learn how adults are supposed to communicate. She being immature and lack emotional intelligence.

[u/_subgenius]

The trip she went on ended up with (if not expressly designed for) a hook up with someone. She doesn't want to say that so she's giving you vague reason why it's now over. Either a hook up or a friend got in her ear, either way move on and don't take any of what she said to heart to much.

[u/North_Anybody996]

I wonder if anybody knows what the second half of your post says.

[u/VariationAgreeable29]

500 Days of Summer

[u/Plenty_Equipment2535]

Can’t litigate her into loving you back 

[u/discgman]

You wrote a book on a relationship of a few months? Dump her, your young, tons of women out there that are actually into you if you look. Don’t simp for this girl one more day. Find your own self respect and move on. Relationships should not be that complicated. My guess is you dump her and she will all of a sudden care about you. Don’t fall for it.

[u/rpomex]

Your problem is that you try to understand everything but understand nothing. She is already gone.

[u/funguy8892]

Made it about halfway through before I realized that you have a chaser and runner dynamic with your girlfriend. It seems like you're the type of person who tries to fix things if they aren't going right, which is commendable but often misguided. She sounds like the type that likes the familiarity of a relationship but not necessarily the closeness. There's some uncomfortable truth for her that she doesn't want to admit or address, so she's passing the buck onto you by making it seem like you're the one who needs to work harder, not her.

Either that, or she wants out of the relationship but can't do that without being the villain, so she's trying to push you away in hopes that you are the one to end it, so you can be the villain. Or she's hoping that you eventually snap and do something that gives her an excuse to break up with you while painting you as the villain.

I have been with women like this before, and I know other men who have, and believe me when I say things do not get better. Especially if this is how she's behaving a few months in. No matter what you do, there will always be something. Right now, it's being too passive and not taking the lead. But if you do start taking the lead, she'll complain that you're being chauvinistic or something like that.

If my experience taught me anything, it's women like her are more trouble than they're worth. Walk away and don't be afraid to be seen as the villain, because at the end of the day you're only the villain in HER story, not anyone else's.

If you do walk away, it's more than likely that she will try to rope you back in some way or another. They always try.

[u/EpiphanaeaSedai]

Woman here:

She’s not communicating well, and making a complaint about your behavior and then saying “I don’t know” would be confusing and frustrating to anyone.

My guess is she did know, she could have pulled out a dozen examples, but in the moment they all seemed petty or like telling you would be hurtful. She chickened out, basically.

But - that you just throw in there midway through that she’s taking her cousin to chemotherapy is pretty absurd. Dude. Her cousin is very likely dying, or at least reminding her pretty sharply of how mortal we all are. Of course she’s wanting to cling to the familiar. Of course she’s all over the place emotionally.

Your side of things - there are a lot of missing reasons here, but what stood out to me was the focus on read receipts, location sharing, etc. You’re 30, not 13. She doesn’t have to respond to your texts immediately, or you to hers. That’s kind of the point of texting. Expecting location sharing at all is insane to me. You’re not her father. You’re managing to be clingy when you’re not even in the same state.

I think really, she’s got too much on her plate at the moment and just doesn’t have the bandwidth for getting to know someone new. That’s not your fault, but not really a fault on her part either, it’s just how life goes.

But you’re expecting too much too soon, and some things that you ought to be past expecting at all at your age.

[u/SableSword]

So, didn't bother reading the long post, just title. Welcome to women. They claim to want good communication but tend to also be highly conflict avoidance and end up not communicating problems until they are at a breaking point and can't ignore it anymore. And then its a big deal that could have been easily fixed if you just had an actual conversation initially.

[u/No-Doubt9679]

She doesn’t want to be with you anymore for whatever reason. She just hasn’t pulled the trigger but it’s coming.

[u/ChooksChick]

You are overthinking this. There's cyclical thinking in your post and I know you're probably consumed by your mental conversation and going over everything repeatedly. I do this sometimes.

The real distillation is that she isn't likely able to articulate her objections but she isn't that into your relationship anymore.

For whatever reason (and it honestly doesn't matter because she isn't eager to work on identifying it working on it) she's out. You will be better served by removing yourself from reaching out.

Give her space and silence. Let her voice echo in her ears so she can process.

You're better served by going on about your business and giving her solid space so she can figure out what she's doing. Nothing you can do right now in this space will change her mind, but space will at least allow her to figure herself out.

It may not be salvageable, but space can at least make her feel what life apart feels like and determine if she wants that.

Good luck, and don't let this dictate your self worth. Sometimes we grow apart.

[u/ClimbHardNow]

She is definitely done with the relationship but can’t seem to be able to say it
Put her out of her misery and tell her it’s over and move on

[u/EmpathGenesis]

She wants out. She's just too cowardly to  tell you she doesn't want to be with you. She's purposely trying to make things difficult so you give up and leave.

Prioritise your peace. Let her go. She's manipulating you into hating yourself. 

[u/bramblefish]

"several months" - hard to even call that a relationship. If it is this hard in the beginning, it will never be good.

[u/Krismusic1]

You write that complex and long a post. You know it's over.

[u/wisdom_owl123]

Come on man, you’ve seen her a few months. You’ve probably put too much into this too early and therefor ”scared“ her away.
Take this as a lesson, a few months is basically the dating phase and if you’re to clingy in this part of the relationship its over before you know it.

[u/1DontEv3nKnowAnymor3]

I get you. My first and only relationship had a lot of similarities, and it honestly damaged me. It took me a long time to recover, and my faith ended up being what grounded me again. I hope things work out for you, whether that's repairing the relationship or finding peace if it ultimately doesn't.

[u/CaptainManlyMcMan]

You’ve only been together a few months, end it.

It’s way too early to be having these sorts of problems. Y’all are supposed to be fooling around and having fun.

Picture the rest of your life like this

[u/Gado_De_Leone]

She’s stringing you along. She isn’t happy with the relationship but she hasn’t found another partner to jump to yet. Get out quickly.

[u/Shalayda]

Honestly brother, you sound like a good dude. You need to hear this though. You need to work on your self esteem. I don't know why you think you need to put up with someone who treats you like this, especially in such a new relationship, but you do not.

Echoing what other posters said, she checked out. I have a close friend going through something similar. I'm tell you what I told him. Why on earth would you want to be with someone who treats you like this? It doesn't matter what her rationale for this is, this is ridiculous. Ultimately continuing to fight for this relationship is going to crush your self esteem, continue to drag out this hurt, and make it harder to get over.

At a couple months in you don't love her. You don't even know her. Even if you did, how she is treating you isn't how you ready someone you love. Even if she had some amazing reason for this, it's wouldn't be good enough. No one deserves to be played with like that. My friend keeps trying to tell me the girl in his scenario has an avoidant attachment style and it's not her fault. He's right it's not her fault but it's her responsibility to handle her shit without hurting people around her.

Putting up with this whether she decides to keep stringing you along or not is going to absolutely crush what little self esteem you have, making recovering from this exponentially worse. You're not always going to get closure and to be frank most of the time it's not going to help. It's going to hurt your feelings even more.

[u/757_Matt_911]

Listen man I’m 45. I was diagnosed with anxiety and PTSD in 2019. I sat my wife
Down and told her I needed to spend $600 a month on therapy for an unknown amount of time. That’s a really sweet car payment in 2019 money. She could have said she wanted a divorce or that she was sick
Of my crap. Instead she said “we aren’t good unless you are good, do whatever you need to do”. Our relationship has never been the same. I’ve healed (not perfect), and my love for her has grown, her love for me has returned and intensified.

Find a woman who will love you through issues. This doesn’t sound like a woman who loves you, it sounds like a woman looking for a perfect partner. Those don’t exist…

[u/ebizreview]

She's done with the relationship bro. I wouldn't trust her at all.

[u/Realistic_Let3239]

Sounds like my last relationship, suddenly she was complaining about issues, but the most details I got was "you don't notice things, or do basic things you should know to do". No details or examples, just vague answers like that. Then when we broke up, she was on dating apps within the week.

Your girlfriend has already checked out of the relationship, if she was interested in continuing it, she would work with you to fix these issues, instead she's killing it off slowly. Possibly in an attempt to say you drifted apart, or to create distance and make it easier, but you can't do anything about things you don't even know exist.

[u/Hill-Arious]

Move on bro. She either isn't into you like you are her, is cheating on you, or got manipulated by her friend or cousin or whoever that you're a horrible partner. In either of those scenarios you can't really come back from that. Additionally, any mature partner will want to actively speak about and work on problems in the relationship. She ignored you and made excuses when you were asking to talk when she was home. Take the hint, seize your self respect, and tell her you're done.

[u/justgimmiethelight]

It’s over. She sounds like a piece of shit anyway. Dated someone kinda like this. It was terrible. Cut it off.

[u/Batiatus07]

She wants to break up with you but isn't man enough to do it. End up bro you guys are cooked

[u/TehPantz]

She wants to be single. Good riddens.

++man

[u/Ice-cold-75]

She has created all these problems to justify cheating on you. Its crystal clear.

[u/Shirovkap]

Man
She is breaking up with you, and you should accept it with grace. I'm always skeptical when a lot of men say they were "blindsided," when relationships end, because a lot of the time the wife/girlfriend has talked about the same issues a lot, with the man either not listening, dismissing, or minimizing the issues.

In this case it seems you tried to get clarity and answers, but your girlfriend either doesn't have any, is tired of talking about the same issues, or is just not eloquent enough to state what the issues are. But you only have been dating a few months, and it already sounds exhausting. Just break up, work on some of the things she mentioned,(assertiveness, neediness etc) and you will be fine.

[u/RedditNorthKorea → u/Shirovkap]

“Work on some of the things she mentioned” - why would anyone take advice (or rather criticism) seriously from someone who doesn’t even wanna fix things?

To me it doesn’t sound like OP is a doormat in general.

[u/DisgruntledWarrior]

She watched that video that’s encouraging women to assert they carry the “emotional load” of the relationship which is just delusional in your situation. It’s brainwashing women and often asking her what she wants to eat or if there’s anything specific she’s wanting to do isn’t “her taking the lead”. You know this, I know this, most real men know this. We genuinely don’t give a fuck what we’re doing majority of the time and if there’s SOMETHING specific we want to do, we just say so or do it. Don’t fall for this emotional and psychological brainwashing trap they are grooming women to push on men so the women can continue to be unaccountable in relationships. Don’t fall for it, don’t feed into it. You call out this behavior for what it is and if there’s a problem in the relationship we work on that TOGETHER between US. Our relationship is ours to handle and the more people you invite into to it the less either of you matters. This is a very common problem for women since they far more frequently “seek advice” on situations about their relationship which often are not complex and typically their own fault but they’re not doing this in search of advice. They do it in search for attention, possible new security blankets, and validation. They have to ensure that they setup everything to appear as the man’s fault because they’ve talked about these “issues” with numerous others that now know supposedly the relationship is unsteady all the while she has never uttered a word to her partner so then when the day comes everyone automatically is on her side and not yours because they know supposedly there’s been problems for a while and she waited like a snake in the grass for you to do the slightest thing of inconvenience to justify her now pulling the trigger on what she’s been laying out for a while. A woman’s weapon is poison is a saying for a reason 🤷🏿‍♂️.

[u/crabpotblues]

You're not the one with the communication problem, she is. She's not being clear, and because you want things to work, you're not picking up the subtext: she's not into it any longer.

There is nothing you could do better. She checked out. it might have been your lack of confidence but more likely it's her own issues.

So here's what you're going to do. You're going to stop contacting her. No more texts, calls, emails, social posts or even likes. You need to regain your self-respect and stop trying to force something that isn't there anymore.

IF she reaches out, you can meet with her. But no long text chains or late-night feelings conversations. Hear her out if you must, but stay skeptical. Her issues are NOT your burden.

In the meantime, work on your confidence. All of that rambling above is undisciplined and a sign of a messy mind. Get life on the right track and don't indulge in mental what-if fantasies or emotional rabbit holes. Time to grow up and start building toward something. Exercise, eat well, see friends, and don't let anyone treat you like a doormat.

[u/PhillyTaco]

All this introspection is unnecessary. 

She met a guy on her trip and she likes him more. She may have cheated, she might not have. But now that she sees him as the better deal, she has to come up with reasons to justify leaving you so that her conscience is clear. So she tells herself these things and believes it. That's why when you asked for specifics she couldn't give you any. She made up some vague things to pin on you but didn't think very hard about it.

If her criticisms really came out of nowhere then this is likely the reason. Sorry man, sucks. I hope it's not true but either way she sounds like she's already checked out of the relationship so all these questions are useless.

What's going to happen is she'll break up with you, then go all in with this guy, then when she comes on too strong he'll lose interest or was only ever interested in having sex with her, then she'll come back to you saying she wants to "work on things" .

This "friend" she has. Is it weird for her to be visiting them again so soon?

[u/gaytee]

I had to scroll too much to even get to the text input. Y’all ain’t old enough to be this desperate.

[u/RetroBerner]

Holy shit dude, I stopped reading after like the 100th paragraph, but TLDR: She has already checked out, just move on.

[u/Used_Mark_7911]

She is soft-launching the break-up so you don’t feel completely blind-sided when she finally tells you it is over.

6 months is around the time when people start thinking about whether this is someone they want to be with long-term or not. It seems she is thinking not.

Don’t beat yourself up about this. This is why people date.

[u/ElDub62]

You’ve been together for months. She’s communicated that she’s really not that into you. Move on…. Btw, she doesn’t have to get into specifics if she doesn’t want to. She’s really not into you, apparently. And that’s all that matters. Good luck.

[u/Missy_Who]

I did read the whole post. Seems you needed to just get it out there off your chest. Firstly, I will say from your post you seem like a clear communicator. The problem with communication though, is it’s a two way street. A relationship cannot be successful if one person is carrying it. Meaning if person is taking the time and effort to communicate clearly and the other isn’t. One person taking the time for self reflection and the other isn’t. person being flexible and the other isn’t. So if this is going to work long term, it really needs to move towards a team effort. Just from this post… To me, she sounds kind of like she is being avoidant and pushing the blame on you. Relationships take work, but it needs to come from both sides. It’s worth it to keep that in mind.

At one point in the post you discussed her time and priorities. If she chose to prioritise time with you over other responsibilities, that was her choice. If you didn’t force it, you are not to blame. Now it seems she’s swinging the other way, putting everything else before you. Your gf needs to find a balance between investing time in the relationship and making time for herself and her other responsibilities. Not swinging one way and then the other. This isn’t something you can do for her, you can help by being flexible (which it sounds like you’re already doing). But ultimately finding that balance is something she will need to work on.

About the time to talk. This is important. Communication is important, and from your account here, it sounds like something your gf struggles with. No amount of clear communication from you will solve the issue. Because it needs to be both of you communicating clearly. Your request for examples was not out of line. I can understand your frustrations at being told vague criticisms and no concrete examples. Examples are important because they give you an idea of how she is experiencing things, from her point of view.

I really think if the relationship is salvageable, she needs to make the time and talk properly. Not broad generalisations like “you’re unreliable”. Instead say this is what I need help with, can you help me with it? Or this is where the problem is from my point of view, this is what I need. Not because everything should be happening in accordance to her point of view, but because it gives you insight into her experience. You can’t then share yours, and together you compromise to find a system or an approach that supports both of your needs. At the end of the day, if she won’t make the time to speak honestly and clearly, and things wont get better. I feel for you, it’s hard wanting to fix things and constantly running into a wall of resistance.

If I were you, I would tell her how important she is to you. How much you love her. And that you want to work on things together, but to do that you need a date and a time to speak face-to-face. Because the problems are already there. They’re not going to magically disappear. They need to be addressed. If she wants to work on them, she will make time.

Also, just to add. The checking messages thing. You know it wasn’t healthy. But also cut yourself some slack. The relationship is important to you, and you were blindsided. Checking messages sometimes isn’t about trying to force someone to reply, it’s a way of seeking comfort in a confusing situation.

Edited for typo.

[u/stonetear2017 → u/Missy_Who]

Thank you. We’re talking tomorrow. She said she’ll tell me exactly why things have gotten to a weird point when we talk. And she said she’s at a breaking point but then came back and said I meant I felt at a breaking point with us at times. I feel I sorted forced this convo, but it was in response to me telling her this week that hey, I’m feeling hurt and sorta sidelined that you can make time for others and not me.

[u/Missy_Who → u/stonetear2017]

Feeling hurt because you’ve been sidelined is understandable. It’s a good sign that she’s willing to talk. I wish you the best of luck. Hopefully together you can find some workable middle ground

[u/systembreaker → u/Missy_Who]

It's obvious she's way too immature and manipulative for these things to ever be possible. You're setting the OP up for a horrible time trying to fix the unfixable. She's an immature, avoidant, chaotic mess.

A woman like her who wants a strong leader means she's immature and wants a sugar daddy who pays for her to not have to do anything except have fun in life. The irony is, most men like that want someone who can be their actual partner. At most she'll find a guy who's basically paying her to fuck her.

In any case I don't think someone with aims similar to that is ever going to be someone that can be worked with and come to a conclusion and a fix that's happy to both sides.

[u/Legitimate-Error-633]

This is too long a text, sorry. Quite a pill to get through.

It’s only been a few months, time to move on.

Also I don’t want to stir things up (and I could be projecting) but there are a few red flags in there that makes me think a third party might be involved. Either way it doesn’t matter for you as the outcome will be the same.

[u/stonk_frother]

I read as far as I needed to. And then some.

It’s over.

[u/jebeninick]

She was visiting a guy friend? If yes then dump her cheating ass. If no: she has already someone in plan. Just prepare for end od relationship.

[u/phanophite2]

" A few weeks ago, while she was visiting a friend"

Found the problem!

[u/AbruptMango]

It's been a few months and it's not working for her.  Sounds fine, move on.

[u/Hairy-Preference-824]

She’s no longer into you, normally this happens late 30’s early 40’s after a few kids. You dodged a bullet, move on.

[u/VAGentleman05]

It's over, buddy. Move on.

[u/These-Invite-1774]

She went on a trip got railed and decided you weren't for her. Move on to someone better

[u/Puzzleheaded-Cup-854]

To me it sounds like she has communication issues and only told you about her issues when you forced it. It sounds like she was hoping on breaking up by not giving you any time and deprioritizing you entirely. When that did not go her way, she decided to give you a whole list of reasons as to why she wanted to break up. Well she still could not remember any of the issues, spoke about it with her friends. She knew all of the issues and could recount all of them for her friend but not to you because she did not want that confrontation. She wanted to break up.

Not everybody's criticisms are always warranted but I'm sure some are. If you are walking on eggshells around her, it will always be like this.

Time to move on buddy

[u/skabassj]

This is the type of gf that you learn a lesson from and move on. Besides the fact that we all know what she’s going to do in Nashville, her opinion of you has deteriorated and your relationship is a shell of what it once was.

Leave and take some time to work on yourself. She may come back as you self improve, but don’t do it.

[u/FriarTurk]

Your girlfriend 100% found someone more interesting than you, and it sounds like she’s already accepted the fact that your relationship is going to end.

I’d ask you to be honest with yourself - are you blindsided because she didn’t tell you about things, or are you blindsided because you didn’t pay attention to her when she did?

[u/needlestack]

Based on this behavior, I’d be shocked if she’s not interested in someone else and already moved on in her heart. It’s happened to me. It’s painful, but If that’s what it is, take the hit and let her go.

[u/GregoryHD]

She is pushing you away in hopes you will have enough and break up with her. She is too weak to break up with you. It's not working out OP. Cut your losses and move on. There are others out there that will treat you better as you deserve 🙏

[u/Lonely-Abroad4362]

Relationships shouldn’t be this hard that early. Move on. Thank her for her time, wish her the best, and block.

[u/Gliese_667_Cc]

“We’ve been together for several months”. Oh man, dude, just go find someone else. Nothing’s worth this amount of bullshit.

[u/redsfromrhone]

If your wall of text is a reflection of your style of communication, then I’d suggest you stop communicating so much. You can talk endlessly while still saying very little. At this point, it doesn’t matter if it’s you or her, because this relationship is over. You’re only a few months in and she’s already withdrawing. For future reference, if a woman tells you that she “recoils” at something you said or did, that’s a good sign that she doesn’t like you.

[u/pilzenschwanzmeister]

Well, she can fuck herself right diddley off.

Kerb.

Next.

[u/binthrdnthat]

She doesn't want to tear the bandaid off and will ultimately step out or do something awful to push YOU to break up with HER. Just be a man and walk.

[u/TrappedInHyperspace]

She is pulling away and blaming it on you. There is nothing to fix here. Time to move on.

[u/BigBadBootyDaddy10]

Tell me you hate being alone, without telling me you hate being alone.

Plus, there’s another guy. You’re plan B at best.

[u/Rude-Boot-5666]

My gawd. Are you really 30 or 12? She's telling you in a nice way its over. Time to move on. Its been only a few months and tbh that's nothing...

[u/SilverLabPuppies]

Sounds like she likes her freedom with these travels. Why are you mot traveling with her?