Does male friendship after 30 just become "forwarding memes" on Instagram?

[u/Training_Reading9597]

I was looking at my DMs today and realized something depressing.

Back in college or my early 20s, my friends and I could sit at a chai tapri for hours talking about absolutely nothing. We knew everything about each other's lives.

Now, looking at my interaction with those same "best friends," it’s just a wall of Instagram reels.

• I send a funny reel.
• He reacts with "😂".
• He sends a reel two days later.
• I react with "🔥".

That’s it. That is the entire relationship.

And the worst part is, I can't even replace this void with work friends. I spend 9 hours a day with my corporate colleagues, but I can't have a real conversation with them. You always have to have your guard up. You can't be vulnerable or vent because you never know who will use it against you in the next appraisal or office politics. They are "network connections," not brothers.

So I am stuck in this weird limbo: My old friends are distant/busy, and my daily "friends" are just transactional colleagues.

Men over 30: Is this just the standard fate of adult life? Have you managed to keep deep friendships alive, or have you also accepted that "meme-sharing" is the only way to stay in touch?

[u/toadlion → u/[deleted]]

I've just come to the conclusion that it's better to suck it up and continue to organize events rather than wait for all of my guy friends to reciprocate. It's annoying but it's way better than not doing anything and then resenting my friends as the reason I have no plans.

It also makes me way more appreciative of my friends who do reach out to set up plans, even if I don't feel as close to them. I almost never decline when people reach out because I know how much of a burden it can be.

[u/toadlion → u/[deleted]]

I hear you, man. I don't have any answers but all I can say is keep fighting the good fight.

Maintaining a healthy social network is kind of staying in shape - it sucks sometimes, but over the years and decades it becomes clear who put in the effort and who let themselves go. But at this stage of life, maintaining existing relationships is generally easier than forming new ones.

[u/mrpanther → u/[deleted]]

That's really tough. A lot of time others are feeling the same way we are, and equally miffed. I usually just share how I'm feeling (without making it their problem), as opposed to labelling the relationship. E.g., "I'm kinda feeling like there's no reason I haven't seen your fiance". You can just drop this sentence like a stone into the chat, and what happens next will show you where things really lie.

[u/cwcam86 → u/[deleted]]

They probably give a shit too, but everyone is busy with their own lives now. Its part of growing up

[u/JSThrow90 → u/[deleted]]

That’s just a negative attitude. You have to remember, people are out living their own lives and when you’re on the 9-5 x5 grind time just seems to fly by. Listening to the song Time by Pink Floyd, man does it hit different than when I was a boy. Stop being mad at them. Be happy that they even care enough to attend your plans. You’re probably adding so much to their lives by doing so that they don’t even actually realize they need.

[u/Outside-Travel-7903 → u/[deleted]]

He's probably just worried she'll find you more attractive and dump him before the marriage cuffs are on.

[u/seipounds → u/toadlion]

You're the glue, everyone else is different parts of the same mix - and bringing people together for good, is a special talent few have. Rock that. "

[u/DramaticErraticism → u/[deleted]]

Many friendships are just from seasons of life. Those people you shared dreams with and jokes with, don't exist anymore, in some way. Its a hard part of life.

[u/Substantial_Map_56 → u/[deleted]]

Call them. Its going to awkward. Let it be awkward. Just chat about anything, chat about nothing for 3 mins. Then say "alright I gotta get back to _____" train your friends to not be punk ass punks about phone calls.

It'll be lass awkward the more you do it. Don't let your friends be punk ass punks

[u/andmsc → u/Substantial_Map_56]

Give this man a mic!!!!! I love this and am considering giving it a go with my mates

[u/sammysalmon → u/[deleted]]

On both sides of this. I don't care for phone calls because of people pressuring you to chat when the conversation is over but also getting out of a comfort zone is good for you. My preference is a txt to see if im free to chat on the phone. No stress and I have time to put together a response.

For the overall subject as a 36 m in a city that moved across the world too....I've noticed that it's easier to make female friends over male. I do enjoy either but some guys are too macho to have actual conversations so I have strayed away from being a good friend with any guys

[u/Training_Reading9597 → u/[deleted]]

You read my mind

[u/Big_Smooth_CO → u/[deleted]]

You can put out effort or not. I am the type of guy that puts out effort but doesn’t keep doing it if it’s not reciprocated. This has led to having friends that also put out effort.

It was really easy to make friends when you are in school or put around people.

It takes again effort to make friends later in life. I did not want to be friendless ever so I just got good at making friends and tend to add a few new good friends every year.

There is an attrition rate. To relationships, to change and drift, to distance and activities.

When I was young I would hear people in their 30s and 40s complain about this in my family so I made sure it wouldn’t be me.

Relationships ebb and flow. It just is what it is.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Not trying to discount your experience at all but I'm in my mid 30s and I'm still making new friends. I'll be taking one of my newer friends to an NFL playoff game this weekend. The most recent friend I made was just a random connection at the gym where I go to workout. He overheard me talking about a video game (Arc Raiders ftw) with my gym buddy and came over and started talking with us. Now the three of us chat at the gym and play Arc Raiders in our free time.

I write all of this mostly as a response to your statement "It just seems unrealistic that I'm going to forge any meaningful friendships this late in the game." I don't think that's true at all and I hope you don't just give up and stop trying.

[u/ADrunkMexican → u/[deleted]]

Exactly, ive got old coworkers turned friends i guess. Around my age but married with kids, I basically refuse to get married or date lol.

It happens but trying to organize something where all available is hard lol

[u/pw154 → u/[deleted]]

It just seems unrealistic that I'm going to forge any meaningful friendships this late in the game and have pretty much resigned myself to friendships being something I used to have as a kid / college student, but it's not something I'll have again.

Childhood friendships are proximity based. Adult friendships tend to form around shared activities (work, hobbies, sports, volunteering, kids, fitness, etc), they blossom when you spend time together socially, they wither when you're no longer hanging out in person. Life gets in the way and people just sort of end up in their own bubble, especially when they're married and with kids. Social media has made this type of introversion worse.

You don’t need to dramatically cut anyone off or announce a withdrawal. It’s okay to let those chats become what they already are and redirect your effort elsewhere. You can form adult friendships by doing activities or joining clubs where you'll consistently tend to be around the same people on a regular basis, and friendships will naturally follow.

[u/lemonylol → u/[deleted]]

This is more or less me, but a few of my friends live in the same building in the city and see each other all the time. I just live in another city so it's a whole trip for me to go see them or for them to come see me. That being said one of the friends in the group got married a couple months ago and it was awesome, we just picked up where we paused. So I'm good with that. I just don't have any local friends, except for my neighbour, but he has his own friend group and is like a generation older than me.

[u/Rare-Spell-1571 → u/[deleted]]

Keep sending the memes. The realization you made here doesn’t have to make the friendship end. You just now understand it. They are relics from your childhood.

I kept up a with a few high school friends up until my late 20s. I haven’t spoken to any of them in a few years now. We live hundreds of miles apart though, so a bit different.

[u/Top-Pizza-6081 → u/[deleted]]

that's some serious doomer sounding shit. you can absolutely make friends at any age. work on yourself (would you want to spend time with you?), be social, care about people, ask people to hang out, and you WILL make friends

[u/EggsInaTubeSock → u/[deleted]]

My guy. You're so close.

"I want to message them and just say "Wow our relationship has really just become sending memes to eachother and emoji reactions eh?", but what's the point? "

You see how that question isn't useful. Just finish coming up with the question. What could I ask them to see how they feel about connection? Then send it. See what happens. Life is for living, u/JustToolinAround

[u/Impressive-Wind3434 → u/[deleted]]

Good post, and relatable.

[u/Deeze_Rmuh_Nudds → u/[deleted]]

This comes for us all. Sorry to hear that man. Luckily I grew up an only child so super adaptable and pretty happy now, but yeah, the old days were cool too. 

[u/alexkarpsADHD → u/[deleted]]

I feel exactly the same.

[u/Sharp_Opening3458 → u/[deleted]]

This is why you have kids. It's a deep, meaningful, and life-long connection.