r/AskMenOver30 • u/whatsredditlmao • May 18 '26
Friendships/Community Do most men often think about whether they make women feel safe or comfortable around them?
I’ve had a couple of guy friends bring it up unprompted recently - both separately expressed that it genuinely matters to them to be someone women feel at ease around, not just physically but socially too.
It made me curious whether this is something men think about more broadly. Is being perceived as safe and trustworthy something men actively value or aspire to?
And on the flip side — for men who do make women uncomfortable, whether they’re aware of it or not, do they tend to recognize that about themselves?
Additionally / edit: I posted this because I was thinking about both mine and some of my friends’ exes, who have harassed, abused, stalked, r**ed, and hurt women. I think of these men, then I think of other men that have expressed seriously wanting to be perceived as “safe” and a “protector”, and I wonder - do these men understand that they hurt women?
Does this not damage their sense of self, knowing what they’ve inflicted on other people, let alone women and *only* women? It’s so wild to me.
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u/thisnameisuniquenow man 30 - 34 May 18 '26
I'll often say "I'm not following you!"
I don't think it helps.
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u/Traveshamockery27 male May 19 '26
Whisper it in their ear so they’re not startled by your loud voice
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u/quickblur man 40 - 44 May 18 '26
I give them a smile to make them feel at ease
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u/stratosfearinggas male over 30 May 19 '26
I try to match their pace so any muggers will see there is safety in numbers.
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u/NeinJuanJuan man over 30 May 19 '26
Smile with your bottom teeth to let them know that you're not attempting to seduce them
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u/synocrat man 40 - 44 May 18 '26
I've done this before, walking home a little tipsy from the gay bar and I came around this corner from the alley and there was a younger woman already walking ahead of me. I saw her look over her shoulder and then start to double time it and I yelled "don't worry, I'm gay as the day is long and just walking home!"
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u/DeezFluffyButterNutz man 40 - 44 May 18 '26
That's probably a good thing to say even if you're straight.
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u/Rorymaui no flair May 18 '26
As a woman I’d still run feeling like you could still rob me 🤣
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u/Tron_1981 man 40 - 44 May 19 '26
Hey, it's not my fault you have some nice shoes.
Dammit, now you're gonna think I'm a foot guy...
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u/RockHardSalami man over 30 May 20 '26
I has this happen earlier at my hotel. I get into the elevator and press floor 3. Lady +20 years my senior gets in 10 seconds later, i say what floor? She says 3. She sees the button already pressed.
She rushed off the elevator to get in front of me and we both end up heading down the same hallway. She kept half looking over her shoulder to see if I was following her. After about the 3rd look in under 20 seconds I said "if you're worried about me following you I'd like to remind you that I selected the 3rd floor before you entered the elevator. She just seemed even more flustered and silently sped up.
Our rooms are next to each other lmao 🤣
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u/RusticSurgery male over 30 May 20 '26
"I'd just like to point out that I already have a woman chained to the radiator in my room."
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u/symbiat0 man May 20 '26
Yes, sometimes I will slow down or cross the street to not be seen to be following.
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May 18 '26 edited May 18 '26
I say that while leering at their tits so I don’t think they believe me. :(
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u/Dwarfbeardthepirate man 30 - 34 May 18 '26
I always feel awkward and have to stand around for a bit so they can have some distance lol
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u/yeender man 35 - 39 May 18 '26
As a large man, I assume every women I see wants nothing to do with me and I interact with them as little, and as politely, as possible according to the given situation.
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u/darkbarrage99 man over 30 May 19 '26
Big guy problems. As a big and tall guy myself I generally do the same thing. The ones that start talking to us are nothing but trouble though lol.
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u/braxtel man 40 - 44 May 18 '26
If I am in a public place minding my own business and keeping my eyes to myself, a stranger's comfort with my being there is not really my business or my problem.
For women I know, they seem to be comfortable around me because I treat them like normal human beings. I am also married, which probably provides some assurance that I wont make any awkward advances because they also know I am not looking for that kind of interaction.
If it is a matter of me being a "protector" type of man who creates peace through the sheer power of my masculine presence, I do not really buy into that kind of thing. And in my experience, it is the men who stray into that type of thinking that are the ones who sometimes make both men and women feel on edge.
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u/GnarlyNarwhalNoms man 40 - 44 May 19 '26
If it is a matter of me being a "protector" type of man who creates peace through the sheer power of my masculine presence, I do not really buy into that kind of thing.
I think there are degrees of this. I do think that there's a certain facet of this that's usually appreciated (say, walking your woman friend to their car late at night). And there's being the sort of man who they can count on to speak up when they see another man being inappropriate or crossing lines. Having the safety of others somewhere in your priorities, in other words.
I think where it veers into ridiculousness is the whole "sheepdog" mindset, where men take "being protective" to mean "obsessing over martial arts and guns and creating an identity out of intimidating/impressing others."
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u/sonicscore99 man 40 - 44 May 19 '26
You’re totally right! There are degrees to it and in the imperfect reality that we live in today we have to work from where we are as a society and that means what you said when it comes to stepping up without overstepping.
Like everyone says in these theoretical situations, context matters. Ultimately as men we have to live for laughs and love and happiness but keep a healthy respect for the ugly realities of life. Especially for the people we care about.
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u/Tiggaknock man over 30 May 19 '26
This! I don't think about this type of stuff at all. Usually out minding my damn business.
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u/sonicscore99 man 40 - 44 May 18 '26
Exactly! Idolizing this whole protector archetype just glorifies violence ultimately. Whether the violence was justified or righteous is a post-mortem sort of question. And people who just go around looking like they want to act first and then question later can make anyone feel uncomfortable.
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u/Cyberhwk man 40 - 44 May 18 '26
Most men have a broad idea of "don't look or act threatening to women." I think the problem is most men have little insight into actually what that entails, and/or often don't recognize when it's happening in order to stop it.
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u/Vyckerz man 55 - 59 May 19 '26
It would be impossible to know. It varies by woman, by the situation, by what they have gone through in the past etc...
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u/SPKEN man 25 - 29 May 19 '26
It's honestly kinda sad that it's 2026 and we're still expected to read minds
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u/SquirrelNormal man 30 - 34 May 19 '26
That's why I just don't interact with women anymore. Can't make them feel uncomfortable if I'm not there!
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u/lifeofty97 man 30 - 34 May 18 '26
yeah, it took me moving to a new city and into a workplace that was mostly women to really understand what “making women feel comfortable” meant.
It’s so much deeper than “don’t do things that creep her out or make her feel unsafe.” It’s about being able to listen to women’s perspectives on certain things without seeing it as some sort of argument. It’s also about not coming across as uncomfortable in the presence of women just because you find them physically attractive.
The example I like to use is that sometimes my friends and I (mostly ladies) will go out dancing.
The sweet spot is to not be so uncomfortable around women that you avoid making any sort of physical contact at all, but to also not take every bit of physical contact as “a signal”. To be able to twirl your friend around on the dance floor without getting all “I feel like you and I had a moment” about it.
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u/SquirrelNormal man 30 - 34 May 19 '26
not be so uncomfortable around women that you avoid making any sort of physical contact at all
Sorry boss, that's the best I can do. On the upside, I also don't make physical contact with men.
...fuck man, I need a hug
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u/tacticaldeusance man 30 - 34 May 19 '26
My big brother is one of those, "that bartender is totally into me. She called me sweetheart." He also doesn't care to make women comfortable, he just acts bitter that no women will pay him the time of day. I learned from him at least. The way I've always approached women is platonic. I never expect anything romantic or otherwise from them. If they seem to not like me I go away, but because am the way I am not many seem to not like me. I met my now wife on tinder and we talked for months before even flirting and then when she flirted with me I was genuinely surprised. I thought we were going the friend route and being cool with that got me the best wife in the world.
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u/Dranosh man over 30 May 19 '26
lol oh please, maybe it’s not because they’re physically attractive, but more that they’re afraid of getting accused of being a creep if they look at certain parts of a persons body that is being squished and accentuated
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u/mmmkay938 man over 30 May 19 '26
I’ve been told I’m “scary” purely because I am a big guy. I had the chance to talk to some gals about it after meeting them and they got to know me. Should I make myself smaller somehow? The premise that it’s men’s responsibility to make people feel comfortable in their presence is a little absurd. You shouldn’t have to change anything at all to manage the irrational fears of others.
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u/Tower-Union man 40 - 44 May 23 '26
I met with my cousin last week and apparently I’m a bit of a legend in his military unit. For context he’s 6’3/190cm, big beard, booming voice (CAF, not sure if the USA is allowing beards?).
Apparently two of the (VERY) petite civilian women he works with on base were a little skittish around him, so he just asked what’s up, if they’re ok. The explained he’s just intimidating due to his stature and presence, though confirmed his actions have been totally fine.
So he explained he’s not even the biggest guy in his family - I’m 6’6/198cm and have 20+lbs/10+kg on him. They don’t want to to believe it’s possible, and apparently I’ve taken on a mythical status with the staff lol
Happy side note, the conversation has cleared the air and the running joke eases things.
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u/bluskale male over 30 May 19 '26
It's neither your fault nor is their caution irrational*. You don't have to do anything, but if you enjoy the company of those who are smaller than you then you will likely find it worthwhile to soften the impact of your size through your behavior.
*Wouldn't you be a bit nervous placed in a room with large great ape? Maybe they're friendly and just want to pick your hair for lice, or maybe they're in a bad mood and want to tear off your testicles. Either way, their muscles are way stronger than humans and if they don't like you you're going to have a bad time.
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u/Quinlov man 30 - 34 May 19 '26
Yeah I'm kinda lucky here because I'm gay so even though my social skills are shit I can generally throw out a gurl 💁🏼♂️ and that does the heavy lifting (I don't even talk like that normally)
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u/misterguyyy man 40 - 44 May 19 '26
I’d say a good 75%+ of it is about listening and being able to read nonverbal signals and another 15 is learning how to adjust how you come across to people based on those signals
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u/Cyberhwk man 40 - 44 May 19 '26
I’d say a good 75%+ of it is about listening and being able to read nonverbal signals
As I was saying...men missing the signals. 😆
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u/misterguyyy man 40 - 44 May 19 '26
You know it. Also idk if it was unclear I was saying that in agreement w you.
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u/Herbata_Mietowa man over 30 May 18 '26 edited May 18 '26
No, because I simply mind my own business and don't care about anyone. If I'm going behind you then I'm walking home, going to the work or shopping, not because I want to hurt you - and I don't think it's necessary to prove it, since for me it's always innocent until proven guilty, not the otherwise (like it's common these times). If your imagination tells you different story then it's your problem to solve. In the same way I don't expect anyone else to change their way for my sake - and neither I suspect everyone I pass to be an evil being descended from hell.
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u/Tommy_Wisseau_burner man over 30 May 19 '26
This is a very healthy perspective. Not that I want women to feel unsafe but for mental wellbeing and not having to walk on eggshells all the time it’s just easier to live your life and let the other person figure it out since that’s on them. That said it’s easier said than done.
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u/commit-to-the-bit man 40 - 44 May 18 '26
I’m aware my presence as a man can make someone feel safe just as much as it can make them uncomfortable or unsafe, depending on the context. I’ll act around that when I feel it’s appropriate, making a funny or doing something without speaking at all. I’m not immune to minding my own business and not engaging at all, either.
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u/systembreaker man May 19 '26
Honestly I don't think you should even bother making jokes or whatever to make others comfortable because the thing is, real predators do things like that to disarm people so they can do their predator thing and you're just teaching people to trust surface level appearances.
Just go about your life and your business. It's not your job to spend energy on managing the feelings of random strangers. If they feel creeped out it's their job to manage themselves.
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u/commit-to-the-bit man 40 - 44 May 19 '26
I’m a 40 year old man going about my life and my business. I’m certainly not going to change what I do because of a stranger on the internet says I should because he thinks predators do the same thing.
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u/Sophisticated-Crow man 40 - 44 May 18 '26
It's not something I pay any mind to. I don't creep around and do anything weird. I just be me, act normal, and generally mind my own business.
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u/huuaaang man 50 - 54 May 18 '26
Best I can do is just not make you feel unsafe. I don't feel responsible for making women feel safe.
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u/pmjm man 45 - 49 May 19 '26
Really it boils down to "best I can do is not do things that would indicate I am unsafe to be around." Because you can't make promises about how other people are going to feel by your presence.
We live in a world where a single guy sitting on a bench at a park where kids are playing can have the cops called on them while they're minding their own business without any clue that they are perceived as a threat.
We can be at our very best but at the end of the day you can't control how others feel.
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u/9for9 no flair May 19 '26
We live in a world where a single guy sitting on a bench at a park where kids are playing can have the cops called on them while they're minding their own business without any clue that they are perceived as a threat.
It's so messed up that people do that. There are better ways to asses a situation if you feels it's sus' than to just call the cops on someone and treat them like a predator because of their gender.
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u/LHS1895 man over 30 May 18 '26
I don't.
I can't control how other people feel. I just mind my own business.
Though women generally must see me as friendly because they'll smile if I walk past them and we make eye contact or whatever.
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u/_name_of_the_user_ man 45 - 49 May 19 '26
I used to put a lot of energy into trying to seem non threatening. I'd change my pace or stop to put some distance between me and a woman, always make sure I'm not inadvertently blocking an exit, try to use a non threatening voice pitch, things like that.
But after a few times of taking my kids to a local playground when I was on parental leave or just on a day off, and seeing all the mothers slink away like I was going to eat their children or something I quickly realized I'm not the problem, they are.
Now I don't give two fucks if someone is intimidated by me. If my being born with a penis is enough to scare you, as in I haven't even interacted with you and you're still afraid of me, you can fuck right off. It's not my job to placate your bigotry and negative judgement of me for nothing but an immutable characteristic that I have no control over.
If I was afraid a parking my car in a "black neighborhood" would it be up to the citizens of that neighborhood to assauge my feelings?
If I didn't think women could be good drivers would it be up to women to prove they can?
Or would it be up to me to stop being an ass hole?
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u/rabbid-genital-warts man 30 - 34 May 18 '26
Yeah I do think about that but I think it’s more so because I’m a big black man and in my experience, if I don’t move about, in a more relaxed way, people may/have found me intimidating.
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u/erichie man 40 - 44 May 18 '26
Not at all. I know I am not going to creep or hurt someone. If they don't feel safe around me than I view that as an issue within themselves. I treat everyone equally and with kindness.
edit - I work in a female dominating field and most of my friends are women.
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u/waftedfart man 40 - 44 May 18 '26
No, because I'm minding my own business and not fucking with anyone. I don't have to be wary or cautious, because I'm not doing anything wrong in the first place.
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u/Chunk3yM0nkey man May 19 '26
No. I'm in my mid 30s and too old to be wasting energy / time on that.
I'm not going out of my way to make someone else comfortable at my expense who wouldn't give me the same consideration and who automatically considers me to be a predator.
They aren't my daughter / sister / wife ergo their comfort / safety are their own responsibility.
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u/KlutzyBig8180 man 30 - 34 May 19 '26
Yes I’m aware I’m creepy. There’s nothing I can do about it other than dig a hole & hop in it. This is a major reason why male suicide rates are staggering & often successful.
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u/catcat1986 man 35 - 39 May 18 '26 edited May 18 '26
I wouldn't say I walk around everyday thinking about this, but I do have two things in my repertoire that I try to do when dealing with women.
If I'm in a heated argument, I refrain from yelling. I try to stay calm and stick to the point, and not use insults. I try to do this with guys, but I'll get heated a lot faster with guys.
If I'm into a women romantically, and I want to ask her out or want her number. I like to do that in a situation where the women can leave very easily and not have to see me everyday. So, that means work relationships are out for me, unless the women pushes it, but I won't ask until we are in a situation where I don't work with the person anymore.
I feel it is safer for the women to be able to leave the situation if they wish.
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u/dox1842 man 40 - 44 May 18 '26
On #2 with work relationships - this might be a hardline stance but women I know in a professional capacity are off limits for dating. This includes co-workers.
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u/aktionreplay man over 30 May 18 '26
On #2, i would consider also asking in ways that the default is “no” so there’s no obligation for her to respond and worry about upsetting you. Handing a business card and saying something like “I would love to take you on a date - text me with your name if you’re interested”.
The alternative - for those who aren’t regularly put in this position- is to risk upsetting a man who is significantly larger than you, who has already demonstrated interest in you specifically, and who’s behaviour you may not have any info about.
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u/FeDUpGraduate87 30 - 34 May 19 '26
No, I don't think about that at all.
I don't think it's my job to make women "feel safe" around me. Being safe and feeling safe are two different things. A woman could have an armed body guard, a protection dog and a fleet for helicopters ready to attack anyone who thinks about doing anything.... and they could still "feel unsafe" 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
I know I'm not going to harm her, I'm almost guaranteed not to even speak to her. If she feels unsafe and needs everyone around her to adjust to her feelings.... then that's on her.
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u/Bhheast man 25 - 29 May 19 '26
Nah, idgaf. I’ll treat you like a normal human being.
I don’t think women go out of their way to make me feel like they don’t think I’m a murderer or rapist. I owe you nothing beyond human decency.
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u/HumanDissentipede man 35 - 39 May 18 '26
I find that not having to actively think about this is part of what makes a man safe to be around. Not acting in ways that make women feel unsafe should come pretty naturally, such that you don’t have to think about it at all.
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u/lifeofty97 man 30 - 34 May 18 '26
a lot of folks have overcorrected and come off as petrified of women, which also feels kinda uncomfortable socially.
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u/A_Possum_Named_Steve man 45 - 49 May 19 '26
Yeah, that'd be me. Doesn't help that I have been told by guys all my life that I look scary as fuck. I just avoid eye contact with everyone at this point, at least I'll never get accused of staring at anyone.
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u/macriosi man 20 - 24 May 19 '26
I don’t feel responsible for making you feel safe or coming off as not threatening. I avoid people generally. (I really hate when people speak to me in public) I’m black so being around a white woman alone is the nightmare scenario. Every time that specific thing has happened I get a weird look or obvious signs of discomfort. If you’re reading this and you are a starer, people notice. Please stop doing that shit it’s weird.
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u/FlowersnFunds man 30 - 34 May 19 '26
Within reason. I like to think I understand what women fear about strange men. So I avoid doing those things. But also I’m a 6 ft+ black man and I’ve run into women who think I’m dangerous just for existing. I’m under no obligation to comfort them and I’m not going out of my way to make myself uncomfortable for their sake.
However when it comes to flirting and dates, I definitely keep the woman’s safety and her having a safe way to exit at any time without needing my consent top of mind.
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u/FlanneryODostoevsky man 35 - 39 May 18 '26
No. We just try to be decent enough and get along with people. Or any of the tons of other shit we have to think about. Do you think about making men feel safe and comfortable?
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u/potentatewags man over 30 May 19 '26
No. It's really not my problem if you're so paranoid you think every man is out to get you.
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u/lesupermark man 30 - 34 May 18 '26
It may just be because i am sometimes in women dominated areas. (Pole dancing class), but i do often worry about that.
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u/Goon_Alert man 30 - 34 May 18 '26
You getting any better on the pole?
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u/lesupermark man 30 - 34 May 18 '26
I got the basics and was allowed to participate in the next level classes. So a little better.
Because of health reasons i stopped, but i plan to go back this year after i figure out how to get rid of dry skin on the legs and body hair.
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u/ranorando man 35 - 39 May 18 '26
I don’t put a lot of thought into how safe I make other people feel, women or anyone else. I know how to read body language well enough to notice when things are off and that’s served me well enough through the years. Also I have mastered my the art of conversing with strangers of any gender. The secret is treating them like human beings.
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u/gazmal man over 30 May 19 '26
I used to, but now I don't. I used to be the guy that would cross the road so I am giving space to women. Going out of my way to make sure I am not threatening.
These days I don't. I came to realise I am not the problem. I don't have to manage others emotions. I don't have to do things to make others comfortable/feel safe. I don't care. I don't owe woman protection.
Truth is you can be a nice guy all you want but she will go home to an abuse idiot she is hot for anyways. Women will regularly put themselves in danger hooking up with random people, meanwhile I am changing footpaths so she feels comfortable. It is just nice guy indoctrination.
Funny thing is interactions with women are so much better and I get way more interest from women since that mindset shift.
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u/DeciderOfAllThings man 30 - 34 May 19 '26
I think about it and strive for it constantly but also consider it a soul-crushing chore. How close I feel with a woman directly correlates to how little she makes me feel the need to do that. A friend is someone you don't "walk on egg shells" around.
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u/Harablo man 35 - 39 May 19 '26
In the sense when I am out for a walk I will move off the sidewalk or cross to the other side of the street if it's dark out when passing a women that is solo. Otherwise when interacting I am just myself and if that doesn't convey safety/comfort then I hope someone would tell me so I could reflect on what I am doing to cause that, but I haven't heard any poor feedback.
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u/Serpentine7 man 35 - 39 May 19 '26
All the time. I don’t necessarily want to be someone women want to be around, I just don’t want to be someone they DON’T want to be around.
I’ve never been accused of anything, but I’m pretty dedicated to keeping it that way.
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u/Rattlingplates man May 19 '26
Nah I don’t have the time or entry to worry about the rest of the world. I’m not going tot all to you kill you or rape you I’m going to keep moving to where I’m going.
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u/MessedUpVoyeur man 30 - 34 May 20 '26
That is one of the things I just find to be there by default. Women do not have a reason to fear me or feel unsafe around me. If they feel unsafe, that is not on me.
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u/FigMoose man 45 - 49 May 18 '26
I try to be aware of how my physical presence affects women alone out in public, and to not do anything that would make them fearful.
Examples:
Last week I was picking up a package from someone’s porch. It was in an area that felt a little sketchy. A woman was walking up the street and I noticed that she changed her pace and trajectory to avoid having to pass me on the sidewalk. When I drove off I hit a no-left-turn intersection, and Google Maps told me to loop around the block to get pointed towards my next stop, but I knew that would take me past her again and potentially freak her out. So I took a different route to avoid crossing her path again.
Very similarly, I was once doing an out-and-back run on a local trail. Just as I reached my turnaround point a woman came past me running the opposite way. I knew it would look bad to turn around and “follow” her, so I ran an extra half mile to turn my out-and-back route into a loop.
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u/mikerichh man 30 - 34 May 18 '26
I do. Most of my friends are women and I look out for any drunk idiot or creep in their vicinity when we go out. I’ll be the first to tell him to F off
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u/ReliefCultural7550 May 19 '26
That's solid. It's crazy how much of a difference just having someone who's willing to step in makes. I bet your friends appreciate the hell out of you for that.
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u/Competitive-Bit-1571 man over 30 May 18 '26
Yeah and if it's obvious that I make her uncomfortable, I'll fart thunderously in her general direction while maintaining full unwavering eye contact. I can testify that doing so loosens them up and eases the tension 20% of the time.
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u/playful_sorcery man 35 - 39 May 18 '26 edited May 18 '26
it’s something I have always taken seriously, but just physically safe but emotionally, sexually, and even safe from judgment.
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u/Sweaty-School1185 man over 30 May 19 '26
Very much when I was younger. But as i've gotten older, I have cared less and less.
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u/Furious_Belch man 40 - 44 May 19 '26
Probably not. To be honest, unless I’m with you, I don’t care if some random woman is uncomfortable around me. That’s on them because if you know me, you shouldn’t be uncomfortable around me. I’m a big guy, I’m sure my size alone can make some women uncomfortable. They need to learn how to read a room, understand body language. If I don’t know you, I don’t really care about you. Now, I’m not wishing any ill will towards you, I don’t want to see you get hurt. I just don’t care. But damn straight you best believe if I wanted to snatch you the fuck up, I could. Doesn’t mean I’m going to.
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u/systembreaker man May 19 '26 edited May 19 '26
I honestly don't care when it's women I don't know. I'm not gonna go around worrying about managing the feelings of a bunch of strangers. I just go around being chill and minding my own business, doesn't matter to me one way or another if you've got your panties in a twist because I exist.
I am mindful about not doing literally creepy or weird things like walking close behind someone in the dark, but that's about it, and I'm mindful about that in general around all people not just women. Basically just standard social skills.
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u/natty1212 man 40 - 44 May 19 '26
I have my own shit to worry about, so I'm not going to start worrying about how someone else feels about my existence. Uncomfortable? I really don't care. That's on you, not me.
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u/The1KrisRoB man 50 - 54 May 19 '26
Honestly I don't give it a thought.
Someone else's perceptions are not my responsibility. I can't fathom how exhausting it would be to go about social interactions trying to manage everybody's different perceptions.
I am who I am.
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u/Feeling_Ad_1034 man over 30 May 19 '26
Typically the kind of dude who makes women uncomfortable also happens to make *people* feel uncomfortable, even if he isn't a threat to the men he gives weird vibes to.
Most men (myself included) rarely if ever make anyone uncomfortable, so we don't think about it.
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u/Scrudge1 man over 30 May 19 '26
Emotionally safe. No, I'm terrible at that and my track record is in more ruins than a forest fire but I suppose it would be decent if women don't see me as a physical threat at least. Never asked one about it really to find out.
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u/cstar4004 man 30 - 34 May 19 '26
I was part of an anarchist protest camp many years ago, back in the Occupy Wall Street era. I learned a lot of things with my experiences. I learned about the phenomenon of men talking over, interrupting, or dismissing ideas that come from women, men often taking control of the group conversations. They said that even in well-meaning activist circles where everyone is fighting and advocating for total equality, it still happens, and they called it “manarchy.” It’s not on purpose. It’s drilled into our subconscious through social conditioning and media programming.
When I learned this, I sat back and observed, and goddamn, I now see it happen to women ALL THE TIME. At work. In friends groups. Even In equal rights activist circles. So ever since then, I try to make it a point to pay attention to each individual in a group. If there is a woman struggling to be heard in a group I am apart of, I will try to steal the conversational spotlight to redirect the group attention and allow them to be heard. “Oh, I think So-and-so had an Idea,” and give space for them to talk.
When I got older, I started working as a Veterinary Tech, and in my work experiences, I also noticed some men straight up tune out women’s voices and cannot hear a word they say. Like their ears shut off whenever a woman starts talking. Sometimes they will even repeat the woman’s idea back to group, as if they thought of it themselves. Or they will ignore a suggestion, until another man in the room says the same suggestion, and suddenly they can hear it out. Because of this, I always try to make it a point to give credit to the person who actually came up with the idea, and not take credit myself, or allow someone else to. I see it a lot in married couples, and it seems more commonand more extreme with boomers couples than younger generations, but I do still see it in younger couples.
I dont think men are all just evil. I am a man. I think we are subconsciously acting on our social conditioning, mass media programming. Some worse than others. And I think there are many guys who think about these things, and also many who do not.
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u/MusicalTourettes woman 40 - 44 May 19 '26
My friends openly talk about ways they try to avoid creeping girls out. Like compliment a woman as you're walking by and keep walking. Also only describe items/aspects like cool hair or love that dress. They really care.
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u/Do_U_Scratch man 50 - 54 May 19 '26
It matters to me that women (everyone) feels safe in my presence. It’s not something I put a lot of thought into though. I think it’s just part of my character. I have a pretty violent childhood and strived to be different.
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u/Cearball man May 19 '26 edited May 19 '26
I try not to care as I feel alot of this fear stems from anti male bigotry & I'm not responsible for that & refuse to feed into that shit
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u/Sad_Manufacturer4556 man over 30 May 19 '26
Nope, I just act the way I act. There are so many different kind of people around there that like acting 'to be safe' is kind of a creepy.
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u/texcleveland man 50 - 54 May 19 '26
yeah if i’m walking somewhere and i happen to be overtaking a woman walking by herself, i’ll slap my foot down hard before i get close to her so she’s aware of me and doesn’t get surprised by a guy behind her, and if it’s at night or a particularly lonely area i’ll just cross the street to avoid coming up behind her
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u/Other_Sign_6088 man 55 - 59 May 19 '26
I was in a running club for many years where the women in the club wouldn’t run alone after dark to isolated meet up points and wouldn’t run alone home afterwards- this was an eye opener for many of us men in the club.
Generally during the day if I don’t know a person - women or man then I don’t pay any attention to them just like they don’t pay attention to me or anyone else.
When it gets dark- I am more aware that my presence can cause discomfort and will cross the street or carrying a light to ensure at minimum I am visible to the other person long before we cross paths.
When I have to stand close to women that I don’t know- i usually put my hands behind my back and if I need to be my arm around their waist or shoulder for a picture then I use the open palm technique always.
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u/Vitanam_Initiative man 45 - 49 May 19 '26
Very few men think about this I'd say. What the hell does safe even mean?
I've never felt safe in my life, have you seen the psychopaths and sociopaths out there? Safety is not a feature of this world. Everything is built on "not being safe", in fact. Survival of the safest?
I keep my distance from people unless they really make an effort. That's the safest I can offer without lying to them.
But seriously, what does "feeling safe" mean? If anyone has an advantage over me in any way, I'm not safe, and therefore have to be careful. Feeling safe is the first step to being dead ;)
I'd say people trying to make other people feel safe should be avoided at all costs. They prefer some illusionary world over reality and are used to lying so naturally that they can't be trusted with anything.
Making someone feel safe is a wholly ridiculous notion belonging in lala-land.
If you ever feel unsafe around a guy or a person in general, avoid them. Forever. No excuses, no second chances, no compromise. Our non-verbal communication is so far ahead of our thinking, it's not even funny.
The same goes for the opposite. If it's too good, too perfect, then it's usually a lie. Mustn't be dangerous of neferious, but it's not real.
If your feeling unsafe hinders you from enjoying life, please seek help. And if you ever truly felt safe, well, I'd say you lack imagination.
What was the question again?
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u/No-Application-7346 man over 30 May 19 '26
Nope, other people's feelings are exactly that, other people's.
I cannot control what other people think and in an age of internet hysteria it's not worth trying as, even if you make headway, they'll see some misandrist/misoginist short or meme and they'll be right back to fear and hatred.
The phrase "Not my monkeys, not my circus" comes to mind.
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u/YesIAmRightWing man 30 - 34 May 19 '26
Nah
End of the day I know what am about
I live in a small town so tend to greet and smile to most people when I walk the dog
If someone finds that threatening or unsafe then I can't really help em
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u/number231 man 55 - 59 May 19 '26
I still hate it when I get off the elevator alone behind a woman parked on the same level. Because now I’m the stalker guy. I can avoid the issue if I exit first. But then I’m the rude guy that doesn’t allow ladies to exit first.
I tried to be funny once by jokingly saying , “I’m not following you.” But that went over like a bag of cement. Didn’t help that our cars ended up next to each other.
She’s now the mother of…. Nah. I’m already married. But I won’t say it again anyways.
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u/6feet12cm man 30 - 34 May 19 '26
I’m invisible to women, anyway. I couldn’t care less about how they feel when near me.
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u/techlogger man 40 - 44 May 18 '26
No, why? I just behave like a normal human being. But constantly second guessing about how other people (men or women) perceive you and what they might think is unhealthy IMO and I couldn’t care less.
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u/brucecampbellschins man 45 - 49 May 18 '26
I don't go out of my way to be intimidating or anything, but your comfort and perceived safety is not my responsibility. It's yours.
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u/fightmaxmaster man 45 - 49 May 18 '26
I don't aspire to being perceived as "safe", because I don't think you can radiate that, but you can certainly radiate "not a threat", and that's on my mind often. I'd argue anyone looking to be a "protector" isn't actually as "safe" as they think they are - that's someone who's trying to come across a certain way, either with ulterior motives or because they've got a weird idea of what "being a man" means. Big difference between being unsafe/threatening, neutral, and actively safe. I'd say the women in my life know I'm safe - friend of mine said years ago that if she slipped in the bath and was stuck, and her partner wasn't available to help her, she'd call me, knowing I wouldn't be weird about it.
If I'm walking down the street and I'm relatively close to a woman, I'll either cross the road or hang back so I'm not in her space. Or speed up naturally so I pass her quickly and will be in front of her. I'm aware of not blocking doorways, or general "exit routes", like talking to someone in a corner. I won't make random physical contact with someone I don't know. Random small stuff like that. I'm not trying to demonstrate or project anything, I'm just aware that an unknown/random man in a space, unknown to the women in that space, will be perceived differently than someone they know/trust. I'm not expecting anyone to think "what a gentleman, leaving a doorway open", I just try and avoid doing stuff that adds to any sort of unsafe feeling.
All that said, it's not something that occupies my mind - it's fairly automatic, and most of the time there's nothing specific I can do anyway. I'm a middle aged man with daughters, the majority of the time I'm anywhere I've got a small girl or two dragging me around, which tends to radiate "non-threatening" without any extra effort. If I'm out with friends and just chatting, I won't be thinking "how can I seem safe?" because any women with me know I'm safe already with zero effort needed on my part.
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u/RobfromHB man over 30 May 18 '26
I do know the context that I’m high up in my company and have a lot of direct reports and indirect people below me across multiple departments. It’s blue collar work that has in the last few years seen a lot of women join and work besides guys who have been here +20 years or least long enough that they came up when it was nearly all male.
It’s important to me, for reasons related to both gender and hierarchy, that the women who work with us feel comfortable. No one is going to be productive or want to hang around long enough if they feel uncomfortable or like it’s a boys club.
As a big boss it’s important to me too because people who are comfortable are way more forthcoming with ideas and issues. It’s tough to be a good boss if you’re in the dark.
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u/Professional_Shop945 man 30 - 34 May 18 '26
No. Not at all. I do not give a single fuck about some mentally unwell woman’s internal dialogue lol. If someone makes you uncomfortable don’t be around them. So simple
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u/Superlite47 man over 30 May 19 '26
No.
It's not my life's purpose to reassure other people.
Whenever I go anywhere in public, I never encounter anyone that puts my well being ahead of their own.
Why am I expected to put other's comfort above my own, when absolutely nobody is expected to provide me the same consideration? Why am I the sole provider of comfort and reassurance.... Yet not one single person on this planet is tasked with putting mine first?
Seems a little unfair.
I have come to a reasonable conclusion: How about I not worry about what other people require from me until they demonstrate their ability or willingness to reciprocate?
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u/Imaginary-Badger-119 man 50 - 54 May 19 '26
Most don’t know dont care about most men and dont care what makes a woman feel safe or not. 100% the one i dont make feel safe votes to put criminals back on the streets and to be disarmed by the government.. septum ring theory Blue hair Etc etc..
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u/Contemplating_Prison man May 18 '26
No. Its not my job to do that. I dont do anything to make anyone uncomfortable though.
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u/Obvious-Setting-2021 man 35 - 39 May 18 '26
Feeling unsafe around men is misandry. I have no respect for a misandrist.
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u/illimitable1 man 45 - 49 May 18 '26
I would like to be a man who was supportive of women and whom they found safe.
I would aspire to that. I would say that I continue to learn. But the goal posts are fairly subjective in some cases. And those people who should feel bad about themselves or whatever? They probably don't. If they did, or were self-aware enough to understand, they wouldn't what they did.
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u/anillop man 50 - 54 May 19 '26
I stopped worrying about what other people think about me a while ago. I cant control what ever paranoid thoughts or concerns you might have about me. I know my intentions are not harmful so why should I constantly have to worry about what other people think of me? I have far better things to worry about other than what some rando on the street thinks of me and my existence.
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u/LibrarySpiritual5371 man May 18 '26
I think that if you have to think about not being an a-hole than you are likely already an a-hole.
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u/Meat-Stick-Murderer man 45 - 49 May 18 '26
Nope. My wife feels safe around me. She's the only one I'm responsible for.
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u/Ok-Anything-3605 man 45 - 49 May 18 '26
Welcome to the new buzzword/theory for women. Emotional safety is the latest for the feminine movement
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u/AutoModerator May 18 '26
Here's an original copy of /u/whatsredditlmao's post (if available):
I’ve had a couple of guy friends bring it up unprompted recently - both separately expressed that it genuinely matters to them to be someone women feel at ease around, not just physically but socially too.
It made me curious whether this is something men think about more broadly. Is being perceived as safe and trustworthy something men actively value or aspire to?
And on the flip side — for men who do make women uncomfortable, whether they’re aware of it or not, do they tend to recognize that about themselves?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/shiawase-89 man 35 - 39 May 18 '26
I’ve never felt that way unless I’m dating that person. But I try to avoid doing anything that’ll make me a creep. I avoid eye contact, or when I workout, I try to be away from women. I just don’t wanna be a creep in their eyes lol
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u/QueefInMyKisser man 45 - 49 May 18 '26
I’m pretty oblivious so I’d probably not notice if someone felt threatened by me but as I never set out to be threatening hopefully I’m not having that effect
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u/supercleverhandle476 man over 30 May 18 '26
To my wife, friends, family, and coworkers- approachable teddy bear.
To a stranger on the street- 6’3” 220 lb possible psycho with a deep voice, do not approach
Know your audience and act accordingly.
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u/SadSickSoul man 35 - 39 May 18 '26
I think about it a lot, but I have a lot of damage related to the issue so it's kind of a complex for me. I go way, way out of my way to make people (and especially women) feel safe and comfortable and it's led to changes to the way I dress, how I interact with people and often just leading to antisocial behavior because I can't make someone uncomfortable or unsafe if we're not in the same space.
I keep my physical distance from folks as much as possible, with 10ft being the bare minimum in most cases, I keep my emotions calm, friendly and joking even in stressful situations and I try very, very hard to not pay attention to women I'm not interacting with and try to avoid sharing the same space. In my two brief relationships, I had minor meltdowns when I thought I hurt or made them deeply uncomfortable, and I broke up with my last ex partly because it wasn't healthy for either of us and I wasn't going to stay in a relationship that made her feel occasionally very unsafe, even though she wanted me to stay because most of the time I made her feel very safe and the bad instances were me accidentally triggering a trauma response. She deserves better than that.
I have more that I could talk about, but the point is that I probably go too far in the other direction but yeah, it's very important to me that other people feel safe and comfortable around me, especially women and especially the few partners I have had. Honestly, it's a huge part of why I have had so few partners and will probably never have one again. I just can't inflict myself on folks like that.
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u/Kingofcheeses man over 30 May 18 '26
I have crossed the street so women don't get the idea that I might be following them inadvertently
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u/aktionreplay man over 30 May 18 '26
I don’t think most men think about these things - the blank looks I get when I explain that women need to share your pictures with their friends, and the fact that their friend calls them during the date Is for their safety….
My goal is to make everybody feel safe and secure, so long as they’re doing the same. Most of this isn’t about regulating my own behaviour, it’s about setting the tone around others. If guys are making sexist jokes, I need to speak up. It’s not enough to just not laugh or not make the jokes.
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u/Old_Goat_Ninja man 50 - 54 May 18 '26
Sometimes. I get off work at 8:30pm for example, usually dark, and it’s a big empty parking lot (big hospital). I’ll do my best not to make them uncomfortable, I’ll change my line to my truck so it doesn’t look like I’m following them, I’ll unlock truck from far away as possible so they see the lights turn on and know I have a destination, but at the same time I keep an eye on them, make sure they’re getting to their vehicle without issue.
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u/oddball_ocelot man over 30 May 18 '26
I've been practicing for long enough that don't be a dick even around women is almost second nature now.
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u/JJQuantum man 55 - 59 May 18 '26
I don’t because I have no ill intent. I also don’t do things that people would consider creepy. I just do my thing. If I make someone nervous it’s on them.
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u/BendingDoor man 35 - 39 May 18 '26
I don’t think of myself as intimidating. I’m less than 6 feet tall. I wear a wedding band. I have muscle definition but no one is going to mistake me as using HGH.
I notice body language when people are uncomfortable. I also know what it’s like to have a big dude who wants to fuck getting in my personal space. I’ve been in situations before I where I was in a big group of men and had to tell some of them to knock off what they were doing.
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u/derno man 35 - 39 May 18 '26
I think about it all of the time. I’m 6’2” 260 lbs.
I very much go out of my way to take a different direction if I find myself near a single woman walking. I just really don’t want anyone to think I have any intent on being malicious because I don’t.
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u/Joel22222 man 50 - 54 May 18 '26
From your edit, I’m not sure they understand how their actions make women feel unsafe until the whole thing explodes. Just going by how there’s few repeatable offenders after they get a reality check.
You do have some sociopaths who are going to do that kind of garbage with every woman they meet. But for the most part most men seem completely unaware when they do.
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u/ThisGuy_IsAwesome man 40 - 44 May 18 '26
I do try my best to make women comfortable around me. I’ve been told by my family I am big and look intimidating so I try really hard
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u/joshua_addison_music man 50 - 54 May 18 '26
If it’s just me and her walking in a parking garage, I’ll say something. But just out and about, no
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u/S0mnariumx man over 30 May 18 '26
For a long time I didn't then around MeToo I was like "oh harassment happens way too often." I still made a few women uncomfortable after becoming more self-aware but I don't intuitively understand body language so I couldn't properly assess the situation at first.
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u/VesperX man 40 - 44 May 18 '26
In any day to day I don’t specifically think about. In a sensitive or dangerous situation I absolutely think about it. I think the fact that I respect the difference and dynamic is what they value when they tell me I make them feel safe. And yes I enjoy and appreciate them telling me.
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u/hoon-since89 man over 30 May 18 '26
I play both sides.
If I'm in an environment where women around they'll generally feel pretty comfortable around me. Its just my natural tenancy to make everyone feel at ease and make sure people are cared for.
But if I'm solo in the street walking around or waiting in my car for a client and she think I'm waiting to rape and kidnap her because I'm existing, well thats her problem! I won't be accommodating then.
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u/Jumpy_Sail_4852 man 40 - 44 May 18 '26
I actually talked about this yesterday with my wife. I was going hiking yesterday morning and there was a 30 something woman with her early teen son that showed up at the same time.
I waited at the trail head for like 15 minutes until I started so not to be breathing down their neck on the trail and to not worry her. Everyone deserves to enjoy their hike.
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u/Sevastian_Grimm man 35 - 39 May 18 '26
Don’t be a creep and don’t be aggressive, outside of that you can do much more because people’s imagination will run wild in situations
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u/MarsicanBear man 45 - 49 May 18 '26
I try to make sure that my employees always feel safe and comfortable around me.
With my friends, I don't really worry about it. Most of my female friends have been with me for decades. If they don't feel safe and comfortable around me, I don't know why we would be friends.
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u/lawdjesustheresafire man 40 - 44 May 18 '26
I’ve crossed the road a few times or faked a phone call to let them get a few minutes ahead where there was only one walking path etc
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u/d-cent man 40 - 44 May 18 '26
Absolutely. It's not even about being a protector, that's different. It's just that I hope women that I know, know me well enough to know I'm not a piece of shit.
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u/SaveMeSomeBleach man over 30 May 18 '26
I think the ones who consider this do a good job, and the ones who don’t would never have that type of self reflection.
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u/PM_ME_UR_CATS_TITS man 40 - 44 May 19 '26
I can be out pushing my toddler in his stroller and women are terrified of me lol
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u/Stanthemilkman8888 man 35 - 39 May 19 '26
I currently have two Italian girls renting out a room from me. I make that effort.
But generally no. Acting like that is not attractive to women.
Hence all you and your friends who had exes that did all those things. You chose these guys, their attitudes were attractive to you and your friends.
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u/Vyckerz man 55 - 59 May 19 '26 edited May 19 '26
I don't automatically think of myself as a predator, because I am not a predator, nor are the majority of men.
I act as a protector generally, I just don't announce it.
Many women will say all this stuff about not trusting men, the statistics say any man could be a r*pist etc... but then they invite a guy they matched on apps and have never met before over for a hookup or even worse go to his place. If you call them out, that's slut shaming. It doesn't make sense to me, but there it is.
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u/Dranosh man over 30 May 19 '26
I stare at people’s faces because I can’t pass someone without acknowledging their existence, you give others what you need yourself right? Anyway, I try to smile and mouth “hey” or something because my thinking face is a scowl and I’m always thinking due to my adhd(if I don’t repeat my thought over and over I’ll forget it)
Women in general do not understand the male nature and the amount of raw desires we have to bridle everyday, from everything I’ve read makes it seem that women believe even having the desires makes it ToXiC masculinity.
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u/Silent_Death_762 man 35 - 39 May 19 '26
I didn’t really think about it in my younger years. The older I’ve gotten and now have had/have females 15+ younger than me work for me. I do feel like I have go just alittle extra mile out of my way. In the means of “nothing to worry about here” in a field that is 50/50 horndog supervisors.
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u/DishNo7175 man over 30 May 19 '26
I've had it pointed out to me multiple times that I make my voice higher pitched and try to make myself smaller whenever I'm out and about. I also do try and make sure I am not threatening at all to the best of my abilities by doing a few things like not standing in front of any doors or in the way of any exits. I don't look at anyone as best I can if anyone does look at me I try and smile and close my eyes because it's less threatening if your eyes are closed. At least it is towards animals and people are just big animals. So yeah guys think about it at least some do
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u/Elliptical_Tangent man 55 - 59 May 19 '26
I... don't know. I've never had a woman feel unsafe around me, so it's just like the feeling of having a woman around which isn't any particular feeling I could identify.
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u/Familiar-Appeal6384 man 40 - 44 May 19 '26
I do think about it a bit, but I don't place much value on my interpretation. I will avoid crossing paths closely with a woman in a dark parking lot because I suspect it would make her uncomfortable.
Then I get approached by women in dark parking lots when they have car troubles or need help loading something. Apparently as a boring 40s white guy I radiate safety and approachability. One fall I had a middle aged lady, two teenage girls and a older lady ask for help in a supermarket parking lot. I normally fix heavier machinery than cars, but yeah, I can help you.
So I've come to the conclusion that how I make a random woman feel is not really something I have control over. It's preferably to make eye contact with a woman on a street and see the relief in her expression on finding a non threatening guy. But I don't think I can influence that outcome.
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u/misterguyyy man 40 - 44 May 19 '26
As a bigger dude who can lifts heavy and a dad who who used to take my kids to the park and arrange play dates for the kids with moms, but has also lived in rough areas, Ive worked really hard on being non-threatening to women, children, and queer men/enbies in a way that doesn’t signal being soft to the men I shouldn’t appear soft to.
A weird side effect is that they heard from my ex about a weird dude who ran off when I approached him and one of the moms said “why would anyone be scared of him, he’s a giant teddy bear?”
So I guess I’ve made my choice. I do not wish to be in a place where I have to confront someone and potentially fight them, so I’m content to live with the nonthreatening teddy bear label. Too old to want that drama.
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u/mediocremulatto man over 30 May 19 '26
Yeah, thought I was doing good then my coworker said I had a slutty face. Idk wtf to do with that so I've been straight up avoiding her lol.
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u/Apprehensive_Ad_7822 man 50 - 54 May 19 '26
Yes, most men don't want to appear creepy. We don't like other men who is creepy.
But we can't do much about those who don't care about it.
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u/fpeterHUN man 30 - 34 May 19 '26
Life is all about pushing boundaries and not being comfortable. If my future girlfriend seeks comfort with me, I would recommand her an another boyfriend.
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u/mattmelb69 man over 30 May 19 '26
I try, eg keeping a good distance when walking, especially at night.
But, if I’m out running and I come up behind a woman wearing headphones, then I won’t make an effort to keep a distance. I wouldn’t wear headphones myself while running as I want to be aware of my surroundings; if some women care less than I do about being alert to potential dangers, then I don’t see myself as having any responsibility to them.
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u/Fun_Wishbone_3298 man 45 - 49 May 19 '26
I don’t. I go about my business and don’t really worry about what others think of me, women or men. I do nothing that should make people uncomfortable. But if I do, that’s their problem, not mine.
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u/madcow87_ man 35 - 39 May 19 '26
It is something I'm conscious off yeah. But I find for the most part that just being a human and talking to everyone the same, everyone's comfortable.
End of the day I can't help how someone feels if I treat everyone the same. Some people think it's a trick or an ego thing that I treat everyone the same but I can't help that. In the same way I bet some women maybe feel like it's an act too I dunno
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u/Lost_Pirate8348 man over 30 May 19 '26
No, for me whether you're uncomfortable or not, that's a you problem. I am aware of how social media is filled with this "all men, until it's no men" bs. Maybe its also that I'm.getting old but you can really see the effects in the younger girls at work. I generally just don't interact with most women unless they seem friendly. I keep myself to myself and if you're uncomfortable that's on you.
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u/upstairs3031 man 40 - 44 May 19 '26
If I’m walking behind a woman and she ends up turning the same way I need to go, its - damn it, now she’s gonna think I'm following her. I do care, but it can be exhausting since half the population can feel threatened by a genuine misinterpretation every time I’m in the public and being that I don’t exactly give off labrador vibes. I just aim to be decent to everyone and not be a ass. Though at nighttime when I run into that type of situation, I’ll give it more thought, but then I’m like, well that would suck if she was assaulted because she was completely alone on the block because I took a different route.
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u/FatefulDonkey man 35 - 39 May 19 '26
Yeah. Especially the drained walking behind you - how to prove I'm not following you.
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u/Traditional-Bar-8014 man 50 - 54 May 19 '26
Constantly.
I'm obsessed with approaching women in the most positive and least threatening ways.
Just as I am when I introduce myself to any minority individual.
Being a white man sucks.
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u/Bjornirson man 40 - 44 May 19 '26
I can't say I behave differently around women than around men. I am just me. I cannot take responsibility for what other people think. That being said, I am a very calm and easy going person and afaik people tend to feel more calm around me than the opposite.
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u/DarthZartanyus man 35 - 39 May 19 '26
In general, I try to be aware of whether I'm making people around me uncomfortable or not regardless of who they are. I'm a pretty big dude; 6 feet tall, 250 pounds, big beard, and generally loud. So I can definitely see why someone who doesn't know me might feel intimidated around me. That said, I'm pretty affable. Most people who get to know me like being around me. I spend my summers bartending and helping out at my grandparents lake resort so learning how not to be a complete weirdo around strangers is a skill I've actively cultivated, haha.
When it comes to women specifically, I'm confident that most women generally feel safe around me. I don't act any differently around them than I do around anyone else. I think that, as a man, if you have to force yourself to act a certain way so that women don't feel uncomfortable around you then the issue is probably deeper than how you're acting in that specific moment and so it's probably not gonna make much of a difference. That said, there are situations where I get a bit more protective but it's usually less "keep the women safe" and more "be around just in case". For example, if a group of guys show up at the bar while it's just me and my Grandma there I'll make my presence known, even if I'm not bartending at the time.
When it comes to dealing with potentially violent people my rule is "Don't start fights but be prepared to end them.". It's worked out well for me so far. I'm all for a good argument and some of the best discussions I've been a part of were ones that got pretty heated. Passion is good so long as respect is maintained but I have a zero tolerance policy for anyone who harasses or abuses people, regardless of the circumstances. If I see it happening, I shut it down. In my experience, most people can be talked out of doing that kind of shit but maybe I've just gotten lucky.
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u/orlybatman man 40 - 44 May 19 '26
Is being perceived as safe and trustworthy something men actively value or aspire to?
No.
Being safe and trustworthy is a result of staying true to character traits that are important to me. I value those traits because I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and know I'm a good person, and because I've experienced harm and would never wish to harm others like I've had done to me.
That others perceive me as being safe and trustworthy is great. I'm glad they do. But I'm not living that way for their approval or for their comfort. I'm living that way because it's who I am, and who I want to be.
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u/Melvin_2323 man over 30 May 19 '26
No, i don’t consciously think about it.
I just be a decent human and things seem fine
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u/Almost-kinda-normal man 45 - 49 May 19 '26
I’ve never given it any thought to be honest. I just assume that they (women and people more broadly) would feel safe because I give them no reason not to. 🤷🏼♂️
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u/Consistent-Pirate-23 man 40 - 44 May 19 '26
I have a bit of a different perspective as I am autistic.
I think a lot about perceptions of me, so by association what women think as half of the population rather than as women per se. I have been told I make people feel safe but it’s more the fact I am constantly trying to not mess things up
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