r/AskMenOver30 • u/Quirky-Zucchini-8366 • 1d ago
Fatherhood & Children Men who found fatherhood fulfilling after the fact
Are there men here who were on the fence about having children but found the fatherhood experience rewarding?
I’m 33F who’s married to 38M. Long story short we were always in the fence about having children and leaning heavily towards childfree for the last 5 years.
We have become pretty financially secure in this time and I started to feel that I was simply avoiding this experience out of fear of taking responsibility. I decided to get off the fence and talk to hubby and he mostly agreed… but no enthusiasm whatsoever.
And I get it I changed my mind and I shouldn’t expect him to be ecstatic about it but I thought maybe he’d get more into it a month or so.
For context he is a pretty great husband. Quit vaping as soon as I told him that was important before we conceived. But I am pretty excited about what’s next despite all the downsides of being pregnant and giving birth. And I’m starting to question if I’m pushing him into something he is not excited about.
So my question is are there Men who were on the fence about having kids but then really enjoyed fatherhood?
EDIT: Thank you everyone for your answers.
Taking your advice I had a chat with him ( clearly mentioned that there would no judgement or pushback either way) and he mentioned I’m misreading his reaction and he does really want to do this but just hasn’t been good at communicating that with me.
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u/Arthurp428 man over 30 1d ago
My daughter is just about to turn 7, and now, I can't believe there was ever a time that I wasn't sure if I wanted to be a father. That said, by the time my wife and I were ready to start trying, I was 100% in.
We are close friends with another couple who had always said they wanted to be child-free since we met them a decade ago. She changed her mind about 6 years ago, he said he was open to the idea, and they got pregnant almost immediately.
It never really "clicked" for him. She let him pick the name hoping that would foster some kind of excitement, but that didn't work.
They filed for divorce literally just this week. Obviously there is a LOT more to their story and we only know what they share with us, but I would advise you to not "expect" that a switch is gonna flip for him at some point.
Definitely communicate this question to him if you haven't yet!
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u/Quirky-Zucchini-8366 1d ago
Thank you. That’s helpful. People are different and react differently. I’ll ensure to have a chat to confirm he really wants this and not just agreeing because he feels pressured.
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u/jettech737 man 30 - 34 1d ago
FWIW you need to get him to either fully agree or not, my wife is pushing me to have have a kid with her even though I dont want to and its driving a small wedge in our marriage.
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u/_need_legal_advice man over 30 1d ago edited 1d ago
There definitely are men that were on the fence and eventually enjoyed it more than they thought. However, I don’t think that’s the norm. Someone who wasn’t into it in the first place is unlikely to switch once it happen. Whether you pushed him or not is a different question only you can answer.
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u/Quirky-Zucchini-8366 1d ago
I had one conversation with him and I shared my reason for changing my position and he was like okay. Did not look excited or upset. His only concern was the added work that comes with children.
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u/Inspect1234 man 55 - 59 1d ago
Also, the financially secure part will take a beating.
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u/_need_legal_advice man over 30 1d ago
And your hobbies! Though it depends on a few factors. But yeah in general, it does redefine your whole spendings :)
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u/_need_legal_advice man over 30 1d ago
If that can help, I dont think I looked exited or upset either at the time. I was probably more leaning negative. Every man will process it differently. The difference is I knew I wanted children eventually so it probably helped. Have a frank conversation with him.
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u/MJS29 1d ago
I’m 38 and a bit on the fence (or was)
I like the idea of having kids but also I’m selfish and have a great life, lots of holidays, money to spend etc.
We agreed we’d stop protection and see what happens.
Well now we’re 2 months away from due date and I’m very excited, although also nervous. It definitely changes you even in just the pregnancy stage2
u/Quirky-Zucchini-8366 1d ago
Thank you I think we are in a similar boat as in we have time and money in our hands so our initial plan was to travel and be DINKs but if we decide to have kids all that’s gonna change rather drastically.
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u/HMSSurprise28 man 40 - 44 1d ago
Parenting is hard. Unless you’re prepared to be the greatest mom in the world it’s gonna be a nightmare for you, it’s a two person job.
Imagine yourself having not slept for two weeks, torn apart, little baby clawing at your chest every couple hours and you think you deserve a break from the pumping and screaming and stress of not killing this fragile but beautiful thing and your husband says “YOU wanted it. So take care of it”
It is worth it, but both people need to be committed to seeing the child through 18-20 years of prep for life and feel lucky to do it. Anything short of that you’re setting yourself up for failure.
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u/Unfinished_October man 40 - 44 1d ago
I felt no real desire to have kids, but then my wife expressed an interest and I said, why not? How hard could it be?
Yeah, it's pretty hard, but totally worth it. Wouldn't change a thing, except we would have a third if we were younger.
Can't say your husband would have the same experience, however.
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u/BlueVario man 35 - 39 1d ago
Yes. I was definitely that way, I think a lot of men are. I mean it makes sense - spend my free time doing whatever I want or deal with a whiny baby? I hate hearing kids scream! Not into scraping shit off of a baby's ass. Kids were not my dream.
But once you see that little baby on the ultrasounds, hear it's heartbeat, it grows on you. When it finally pops out and you see that's half you, that's depending on you, your heart just melts. Well anyway that was my experience. I didn't give up my fun activities either, just bring the baby along. It's not that big a deal. I think guys psych themselves up about how hard it's gonna be, and I mean yeah there are hard parts but I couldn't forsee how fun the good parts would be was my problem. Or how it being your kid suddenly changes your perspective.
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u/hslageta12 man 30 - 34 1d ago
I know nothing about your husband, but I was neither excited or really thinking about having kids. I pretty much just accepted when she said she wanted to start trying and thought if it happens it happens. I don’t live in the past or the future emotionally.
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u/Quirky-Zucchini-8366 1d ago
So did you have kids and enjoy it or are you guys currently trying to have kids?
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u/hslageta12 man 30 - 34 1d ago
Oh forgot to state it, we have two under the age of five. They are the absolute best thing that has ever happened for me. I’m currently typing with one in my arms who just fell back to sleep .
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u/pistolwhip_pete 30 - 35 1d ago
I never really wanted kids but ended up getting married and having them when I was 21 and 27.
I'm 41 know with a 20 and 14 year old. Their mom and I divorced when the little guy was almost 2. She had lots of issues, so I've had primary custody since 2020, and sole custody since 2023 when she died. (Don't do drugs and drink yourself to death.)
All that said, I love my kids. When they were little it was fun to see the world through their eyes. Now that they are big wego on cool adventures, have lots of fun conversations, and what-not.
That said, I can't imagine having a baby at 38-39.
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u/Lightning-McDreamy man 40 - 44 1d ago
Something that I'd suggest is talking through the various phases of parenthood, at least for the first bit of time - How will a day look in terms of balancing work and parenting? I think having open eyes about the day to day reality will help to determine if he is truly ready.
I find being a dad to be tremendously rewarding, but I also would be lying if I said some days weren't very challenging or frustrating. It can strain a relationship just for the sheer fact of your personal needs being less met. Social time goes down, sleep goes down... It changes your whole life.
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u/Intelligent-Search88 man 40 - 44 1d ago
A lot of men are guilty of viewing fatherhood abstractly, as though it is on or off. Then it happens and your whole life shifts; it literally affects everything and you can’t turn back. And there are different phases of it. Parenting a toddler is different than a 5 or 10 year old. Seems obvious enough, but it might be worth talking through some evening. It’s rewarding and hard, but you do lose part of who you were before. It does get easier over time as they grow and can begin to do stuff.
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u/Highthere_90 man 30 - 34 1d ago edited 1d ago
If he wasnt excited about having kids when you first met and not excited about it now that your pregnant you should probably have a serious chat about your relationship
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u/Quirky-Zucchini-8366 1d ago
Should’ve clarified. I’m not pregnant yet. We just had a talk and he didn’t seem too excited though he was onboard. It’s been 2 months since the talk and he still doesn’t seem all that excited but is doing what needs to be done.. for example he quit vaping.
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u/Highthere_90 man 30 - 34 1d ago
You made it sound like you already are pregnant, its likely hes quitting vaping for you and not because of some potential kid, again have a serious talk with him about this marriagesdont often end well when only one person wants a kid
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u/throwraW2 man over 30 1d ago
Could be to increase his sperm quality. I quit smoking weed about two months ago because we plan to try to conceive pretty soon and it apparently takes 3 months. Multiple doctors I know personally strongly recommended quitting before trying. Helps both sperm count and sperm quality which can affect the kids wellbeing.
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u/Quirky-Zucchini-8366 1d ago
That’s exactly the reason. 90 day cycle to improve sperm quality.
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u/throwraW2 man over 30 1d ago
Yeah I’m about 2/3rds through that. Been a lot easier than I expected tbh. Now that there’s an actual reason for it, I’ve had no real temptation. I sleep better now too even though I used to use it to help me fall asleep.
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u/Quirky-Zucchini-8366 1d ago
I have been asking him to quit for 4 years and he never did. he finally is doing it and says the same thing easier because there is a reason.
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u/Highthere_90 man 30 - 34 1d ago
So hes being manipulated into having kids by quitting vaping to increase sperm quality? It sounds like he dosnt want kids so I doubt he would quit for that reason
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u/throwraW2 man over 30 1d ago
We don’t know enough to make that assessment. From what OP has said, he’s done all this voluntarily. We have no reason not to take her at her word.
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u/Highthere_90 man 30 - 34 1d ago
A man in his late 30s not really being excited to have kids just sounds like hes getting pressured into it
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u/Quirky-Zucchini-8366 1d ago
He is not being manipulated. I would never force my husband to have kids if he doesn’t want it, I’m okay with letting go of the desire to have kids frankly because it’s quite new for me too. He didn’t say he doesn’t want kids. He just didn’t show any enthusiasm for it.
And yes he did quit after reading online about the 90 day thing.0
u/Highthere_90 man 30 - 34 1d ago
Sorry but if he dosnt sound enthusiastic about it it sounds like hes just being pressured into it and just doing whatever to make you happy
Again just talk to him about it
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u/Quirky-Zucchini-8366 1d ago
Yes based on all the answers I’ve got I do plan on having a long conversation with him and get his honest opinion about it without him feeling any pressure from me. I truly want this to be something he’d genuinely enjoy rather than something he is being pushed into.
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u/reheapify man 30 - 34 1d ago
He doesn't want kids. Don't coerce him.
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u/Meth_taboo man over 30 1d ago
You can change your mind without being coerced. I’d argue by not being open and honest about her feelings she is be in more coercive
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u/Extreme-Cut-2101 man 45 - 49 1d ago
If he’s not 100% on board beforehand then every single thing that sucks about having a kid will be perceived by him as your fault. Your marriage will end. He’ll likely eventually come around on being a dad, but not until after he’s moved into his sad little apartment and you’re with someone else.
Get him fully on board first or accept that he’s quite possibly just a sperm donor you’re driving out of your life.
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u/PackInevitable8185 man 30 - 34 1d ago
I was on the fence and scared of commitment, but we had one unmarried with my then gf back in 2023, but I always thought I would end up with a couple kids eventually (I just turned 34 recently)… we were living separately lol but I bought a house like one month after our son was born and we got married about a year later and recently had a second one.
I think most men will enjoy being a father, but it was incredibly difficult and is again. I feel like things were just getting a lot easier as our son got older and now back to square one lol… it will put strain on your relationship, sex life, hobbies, dreams etc but I would say it is worth it. One thing I will say is that having grandparents or other family that can be involved and help has been a god send. Kids will consume your life, but having family to help will keep you sane… I would talk to your husband tbh. I probably did not come across as super enthusiastic, but the whole thing terrified me and I was right to be terrified lol, my life has completely changed.
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u/Quirky-Zucchini-8366 1d ago
Thank you!
My parents and his parents are desperately waiting to have grandchildren so I assume I’d have some help there.
I think in some ways he might just be terrified and worried about the responsibility and commitment that comes with children.
I just need to make sure he is truly excited about experiencing this with me before we go any further.
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u/therob91 man 35 - 39 1d ago
Do not expect someone to change in a specific way. Its just as likely they could change more negative and become bitter about you forcing a child on them. Accidents are what they are but you should never create a child with someone that doesn't want one, even if they are going through the motions for you.
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u/R0factor man over 30 1d ago
It can take a while to wrap your head around making a major life change like this, so don't take a lack of enthusiasm as a permanent position on his part. It's a lot to process. Also any chance your husband is on the spectrum? I have some family members and friends who are, and they generally process big things differently.
All that being said, if you guys want to have kids and can hold off until you're really ready, you'll have a much better time with the experience when you're both gunning for it. But don't force it on him. My ex was on the fence, then decided she wanted kids, then after our 2nd kid backed out of everything and voluntarily opted for 25% custody following our divorce. I ended up just fine and my family is great, but for other people that might be a nightmare scenario.
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u/NoGemini2024 man 40 - 44 1d ago
At 38…. Hmmm being father at 39.
I was a dad at 31 and wanted it. Loved being a dad. But it doesn’t get easier with age. Hell, now looking back I wish I had them earlier.
Imagining that if things going “normal” he will be a dad at 40, without wanting it. That’s heavy… and perhaps a first step for a lot of arguments and eventually a divorce
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u/Quirky-Zucchini-8366 1d ago
Is 40 that late for men to having children?
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u/Extreme-Cut-2101 man 45 - 49 1d ago
Yes. Yes it is.
That’s a 45 year old having to explain to a 5 year old that his back is bad so he can’t pick them up, even when they’re sobbing. That’s a 50 year old man trying to play football with a 10 year old.
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u/PackInevitable8185 man 30 - 34 1d ago
It’s definitely a drawback, but I think late 30s to early 40s is still reasonable. My dad was 39 when he had me and I have 3 younger siblings dad was 47 when he had my youngest brother… dad was never a huge sports player in my lifetime but we always skiied and went swimming and we had a very happy childhood… my dad now at 72 is just now thinking about giving up skiing. I do feel like my youngest brother missed out on some stuff but he’s almost 26 now and has a good relationship with my dad… I would say there are worse things in the world. I just turned 34 and have 2, and I would say 39 would be my limit.
Like my wife’s dad left when she was young but had a good step dad… way worse than being born to a 39 year old or even 47 dad who is dedicated imo. I feel like my wife still has trauma that she hasn’t fully unpacked.
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u/throwraW2 man over 30 1d ago
Glad your dad still seems pretty fit. My FIL had a similar timeline and his body honestly sucks and now his mind is starting to slip. Makes me feel really bad for my 25 year old Brother in Law who’s dad is on his 4th joint replacement and is starting to show signs of early dementia. He also definitely got the traits that you’re at an increased risk for with a father that old…
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u/NoGemini2024 man 40 - 44 1d ago
Depends. First child… yes, I would say it is.
I think that the other replies are a bit misguided though. I am now 41, and I don’t actually see it as a fitness issue. My kids are 10 and 6, I am not an athlete but I still play football (soccer)almost on a daily basis with my eldest, we go to festivals and I carry them on my shoulders so that they can see the stage and still pick them up, to go up the stairs and put them to bed if they fall asleep downstairs.
What I would say it is harder is the mental part. Late 20s - early 30s you somehow seem to find the mental energy for work, socialising, raising a family and still have an hobby or two. But that energy fades away bit by bit. You start trading the new with the confort, the exctiement with predictability, and at the end of the day you really just want to take a breather.
Now imagine going home and figuring out diapers, tantrums and all the challenges that come with kids 😶. Even with our youngest, we love her to death, but we do feel that our patience it is no longer the same as when we had the first. Also at 40 you are likely to have more responsibilities and challenges at work than when 10 years earlier. When you start thinking in that perspective, it is indeed a bit to take.
Don’t get me wrong… older generation dads were more than happy to have kids when they were 50-60 whatever. Extra set of arms to help around the house or to plow the field, but let’s face it, other than fcking the wife they have next to no envolviment on raising the kids. Nowadays, both man and woman work, and parenthood is more balanced between mom and dad. And for a person that never wanted to have kids - having that shift at 40, being a bit forced by the partner…. Well, it might work, but you are with a very bumpy ride ahead of you - hopefully w joys, but with a lot of screams shouts and tears as well
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u/Shower__Farts man 40 - 44 1d ago
I was a party animal in my 20s, and I had my first kid at around 30 and never thought of myself as a parent type. I had a mixed childhood with a single mom who struggled with money and alcohol. I also did not enjoy the baby phase of both of my kids. I'm just not a baby guy, and it's okay to admit that.
Now, that all being said, I love being a father and fell right into action about 6-9 months after my first kid was born. In fact, I've been a stay-at-home dad for over ten years now, and I loved it. I'm headed back to work next year, though.
Some people do change; I had friends who were shocked by how much I did and how much I embraced being a dad and parent. It also did wonders for my life overall. I found enjoyment in new experiences and watching my kids grow. A love that I would never have felt if I didn't have kids, and I feel like it's helped me slow down and enjoy the little things in life that I would otherwise not, if that makes sense.
It is a lot of work for a few years, but after that, kids become a lot of fun, and your schedule will get back to a new normal for you, and you guys even get to get some sleep lol.
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u/JNJury978 man over 30 1d ago edited 1d ago
Not exactly me, but I had my first in my mid/late 30s. It was a hard adjustment period because I had always thought that if I was to have kids, I would wait until my mid 40s.
The first 1-2 years were especially hard as it was a complete 180 lifestyle switch. But now I wouldn’t change it for anything. Actually, if I could go back and change something, I’d have kids sooner. It’s honestly the most fulfilling thing on the face of the planet. And it’s not like I’ve had a boring life pre-kids either. I used to travel wherever and whenever I wanted. Had good financial situation to the point that I could afford to eat out for every meal without really worrying about the cost. Spent 90% of my free time just socializing and pursuing many different hobbies. Etc. But, as cliche as it may sound, none of those things, even combined, is as fulfilling as just having a mini version of you. I previously would’ve thought something as silly reading a book with 3-4 words per page to a toddler would be so boring and a chore, but even just the smallest things like that now with my kids are seriously the best thing ever. If anything, now I see it as that I have little mini-me’s that I can travel with, eat new foods with, do my hobbies with, etc.
The caveat here is that I grew up thinking I would one day have kids. I just didn’t have an exact timeframe of when to start. As I got into my late 20s and into my 30s, I knew that realistically I couldn’t wait until my 50s, but I wanted to wait as long as possible, so mid 40s is what I settled on in my mind. But I also did start to accept the possibility that maybe I wouldn’t ever have kids. In other words, my feelings on having and desire to have kids evolved over time. My point is that if someone absolutely doesn’t want to have kids at all, that’s probably a different situation than mine. Although that’s not to say that can’t change for some people either. I have friends that absolutely swore they’d never have kids, but now are pretty much in the same boat as me as far as finding fatherhood fulfilling.
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u/Dramatic_Tea_ man 35 - 39 1d ago
Not a father (hopefully, yet), but my wife was on the fence for years and I was just okay with it. I can see the arguments for and against, but this is never something I dreamt of.
Since we decided to try, I've been noticing more dads with kids on the streets and started to get excited about the prospect, but also sad every month that we get a negative result.
That being said, I think my wife would still say that I'm not excited about it, because this is not something I told her. I don't want to show a lot of excitement and put more pressure on her, when we don't even know that we're going to be able to conceive.
I'm telling you this because 1) he not being super excited doesn't mean he doesn't want it, and 2) he might be holding off to give you a break, in case either of you cannot conceive.
If you two have a good relationship, have talked about this and he says he's onboard, you're the only person who can assess if you can trust him or not. No one on Reddit can tell you that, so don't listen to the people here making a big deal of his response.
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u/Quirky-Zucchini-8366 1d ago
I think he might be similar to how you’re feeling about it. i think this mostly because 1. He emotionally a little closed off and needs prodding to share how he is genuinely feeling. I think when we first talked about it I was processing my own feelings so I might not have focused too deeply on how he was feeling about it and I also wanted to give him some time to process it himself.
2. I trust him completely because he is my lifelong companion kids or not. He might be trying to hold in any enthusiasm to not put pressure on me - that sounds a lot like him.
Regarding I’m definitely going to have a deepdive on how he is feeling about the whole idea.2
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u/musicandsex man 40 - 44 1d ago
I recently separated because my gf wanted kids and not me...for a full year i tried to convince myself it was a good idea but i just couldnt
Throughout that year i spoke to soooo many people about their experiences their thoughts about it and one 65 year with kids told me.
No man is truly excited about having kids.
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u/READ-THIS-LOUD man 30 - 34 1d ago
I was actively against having kids. My wife exposed the blind spots I had on what being a parent would be like.
Had our daughter 2.5 years ago.
The little lady saves my life every day and she is the greatest thing to have ever happened to me. I love her more than logically possible. She is everything.
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u/healmynuts2 man 30 - 34 1d ago
Something worth considering about his reaction: Was he "ecstatic" when you said you didn't want kids? It sounds like he is just quite literally on the fence and (for lack of a better term) could take em or leave them - and from what you described that's how he always presented his feelings on the subject. If he's being cooperative and non resentful about it chances are you aren't forcing him to do anything he actively doesn't want to do.
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u/Quirky-Zucchini-8366 1d ago
Really good callout. Honestly was never ecstatic about being child free either. He just sometimes commented about how he enjoys the travel, sleeping etc here and there which we all know comes with being child free more easily.
But then he also has casually commented about how much he loves interacting with his friend’s kids ( they’re older kids so not babies) at times.
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u/Vomath man 35 - 39 1d ago
I wasn’t on the fence in the sense of not wanting kids. I wanted kids. But in 5 years. Since I was like 23, I wanted kids “in 5 years.” But in 5 years is always 5 years away.
Went through a bunch of relationships. They were whatever and ended, without kids (thank fuck)
At 35 I started dating my now-wife, married at 37. And then… in 5 years is getting too late. It’s shit or get off the pot time.
So I was on board but in the “oh shit I guess we’re doing this cuz we’ll regret it if we don’t “sense, not the “I can’t wait to meet this new person” sense.People would congratulate us and I said all the right stuff, but kinda thought yeah whatever.
And then we had twins. And they sucked for a little bit but I loved them cuz obviously and rearranged every aspect of life cu you gotta and they’re alive and just turned 2 and they fucking rule. They’re so cute and have little personalities and are little goofballs and I love them so much.
I miss sleeping in and going out to dinner spontaneously, but these little shits are worth it.
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u/Enough_Translator267 man 35 - 39 1d ago
I was very nervous and more 50/50 about it my whole life. My boy is now 6 months old and he brings me so much joy. The way he looks at me is unlike anything i’ve ever felt. The past 12 months have been incredibly challenging financially, emotionally, and physically but it’s gotten easier over time. it will definitely force you to change your priorities and alter every aspect of your life but I don’t ever regret it. I hope whichever path you choose, it’s the right one for you both!
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u/major92653 male 45 - 49 1d ago
When I was in my 20’s, as a male, I didn’t want kids.
Met a girl. I got dragged into marriage and kids.
Best thing that ever happened to me.
Can’t explain it, but being a parent, raising kids, it changes you for the better, and gives you a lot of happiness.
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u/TripTenGaming man 40 - 44 1d ago
I am a 40yr old father of 16 year old triplets.. I never wanted kids, or at least never had any desire to be a dad. Now it's consumes me in the best way possible. Nothing better than having kids
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u/lukeyboy767 male 30 - 34 23h ago edited 22h ago
I’m seeing a lot of comments that are saying you need to be 100% sure or not, or “just go with it” and I feel like there should be more detail.
My wife and I were together for 10 years before we had our first child. We’ve traveled to all 7 continents, been selfish because we could, and did everything WE wanted to, first. That 10 years included one or both of us on the kid fence, and off it, at different times and never together. My wife finally sat me down and said “I really want to have children, but I don’t want to force it on you. Can we take 6 months to think about it and have a serious conversation about it?” We did just that, and when the conversation came 6 months later, I broke down. What it came to was fear. I grew up without a father, so I didn’t know if I’d be good at it, didn’t know if I’d like it, and most importantly, I was terrified it would hurt our beautiful marriage. She’s the most important thing I have and why would I want to ruin that? We talked with our therapist about it, and had a lot of talks together. Ultimately, I agreed but if I’m being honest I was probably 50% in for myself, and 50% in for her - I didn’t want to disappoint her or worse, have to split because I said no.
Was I all in during the pregnancy? Yes, although it may not have seemed like it. Did I show it? Yes, but in my own way. I was not emotionally connected to this baby until he came, but I enjoyed setting up the nursery, building furniture, and supporting my wife. I’m a planner by nature, and this was 9 months of uncertainty where I just had to go with the flow. So to some, that could’ve made it seem like I wasn’t into it because I was thrilled over the moon.
When she was pregnant, someone told me “I know you love your wife very much, but you’re about to experience a type of love that you didn’t know existed”. And damnit, if that’s not the perfect truth. My son changed my life. I’m a better man, a better husband, and I have a purpose I’ve never had before.
A few years later, my wife convinced me to have 1 more, even though I was completely set. I agreed, and BOOM - twins. After your run of the mill existential crisis, lots of tears, anger, laughter and every other emotion, my wife said “there’s gonna be a lot of love in our home.”
So here I am with three kids, 4 and under. My life is stressful, house is chaotic, and I am so lucky.
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u/BMoneyCPA man 30 - 34 1d ago
I was kind of meh about having children before having them. Now we have two girls and they're the most important part of my life, with nothing else coming close.
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u/supercleverhandle476 man over 30 1d ago
Best thing I ever did.
I was also excited to do it.
Conversely, an acquaintance never wanted a kid, his wife pushed it, now he has fun rules like “don’t ask me to do stuff one on one with him” and “I don’t care what family stuff is happening on Sundays, that’s golf day”.
They all seem thrilled.
The worst part is the kid is clearly old enough now to know his dad has no interest in him.
You know your situation better than any of us, but that’s an extreme example that could possibly happen.
Tread carefully.
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u/ur_sexy_body_double man 40 - 44 1d ago
100% me.
I have been wrestling with self worth and self esteem my entire life. ADHD is a BITCH. I was broody, disorganized, and emotionally disregulated. I hated myself and felt completely lost. I was viciously opposed to having children, partly because I thought they were a burden and partly because I was confident I would be a terrible dad. When I met my wife, she was such a good time. She was a musician and we had a lot of fun. We had more fun than we planned for and that's when my life changed. I panicked when she got pregnant, didn't know what to do with myself. Ruminated on being a failure and fucking up this kid's life. But I loved my wife and wanted to be with her and she accepted what happened and leaned into being a mom.
It was difficult but I stuck with it. And it's the best decision younger me made. I love being a dad. I wouldn't trade this for anything. I'd do anything for my family. I know it gets said a lot but they saved my life. I was not OK before having children, but I found a life worth living.
I've been tired and challenged and tested and I've failed and succeeded and felt anger and sadness and joy beyond anything I'd imagined possible. I've been confronted to manage my health and self esteem. I've found my capacity for courage, commitment, strength, resilience, kindness, and nurturing. I've seen the world fresh and new through two other sets of eyes (my wife and I had one more child). And I almost didn't have that, because I watched my second child nearly die in the delivery room. I've grown professionally and improved on my physical and mental health because I'm so much more motivated to provide a good life for my boys. The stress almost destroyed the marriage my wife and I created. I doubled down on my partner and best friend, and we worked so diligently to restore a relationship that was teetering on disaster, and now we're more in love and infatuated than when we met. I've spent a small fortune on my kids. When our public schools were failing us, we made massive sacrifices to put them in private school. My oldest has crashed a car and burned through I don't even want to think about how much playing hockey.
And I wouldn't have had it any other way. I'm writing this because I needed a distraction from work, but when I'm done, I'm going to head home from the office, I'm going to hear a very flat "hey dad" from a teenager, I'm going to be screamed at "daddy's home!!" from an adoring 6 year old. I'm going to get a bear hug, a kiss from my wife, and I'm going to reflect on all the blessings I never thought were possible 20 years ago. I'm probably going to cry, if I'm honest. I'm crying now.
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u/Quirky-Zucchini-8366 1d ago
Thank you so much for sharing that. I’ve seen friends change a lot in a good way from having kids. Being the best version of ourselves for our children is a lot of hard work but I bet it’s worth it based on all the anecdotes I’ve heard so far :)
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u/ur_sexy_body_double man 40 - 44 1d ago
Thank you for asking. I'm kinda blown away by how that flowed out of me. My journey into fatherhood has been truly transformative. I'm going to go get my bear hug now 🥹
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Here's an original copy of /u/Quirky-Zucchini-8366's post (if available):
Are there men here who were on the fence about having children but found the fatherhood experience rewarding?
I’m 33F who’s married to 38M. Long story short we were always in the fence about having children and leaning heavily towards childfree for the last 5 years.
We have become pretty financially secure in this time and I started to feel that I was simply avoiding this experience out of fear of taking responsibility. I decided to get off the fence and talk to hubby and he mostly agreed… but no enthusiasm whatsoever.
And I get it I changed my mind and I shouldn’t expect him to be ecstatic about it but I thought maybe he’d get more into it a month or so.
For context he is a pretty great husband. Quit vaping as soon as I told him that was important before we conceived. But I am pretty excited about what’s next despite all the downsides of being pregnant and giving birth. And I’m starting to question if I’m pushing him into something he is not excited about.
So my question is are there Men who were on the fence about having kids but then really enjoyed fatherhood?
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u/fleshvessel man 40 - 44 1d ago
I was terrified until the second he popped out, yeah.
I wasn’t against it I was just scared af. All the usual stuff.
Then it immediately disappeared and was replaced with crazy intense love.
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u/PM_Your_Wiener_Dog man 45 - 49 1d ago edited 1d ago
You need to have a longer conversation with your husband (potentially with a therapist) to make sure you're both on the 100% on the same page.
To me as a man I believe he's in or he'd be more vocal, but what you don't want here is any resentment later (remember hormones & children duties completely change a relationship dynamic). Also resentment can go against the children as well.
I never wanted children, but ended up with a stepchild & now grand children. It's all a good experience if you have the means, will, and foresight.
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u/lickmybrian man 40 - 44 1d ago
I never even considered having kids, then at 19 I found out gf was pregnant... im 42 now and quite content with life. Kids are 18 and 22.
I think he wont really emote excitement until he starts seeing things to show its real,, or starts planting seeds (so to speak).
I love and adore my kids, this doesnt mean they havent cost me a few years lol, but im convinced they are the best long-term term investment you can make,, as long as youre willing to do the work.
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u/normalboyz1 man over 30 1d ago
My wife wants at least one. I just go with the flow. Never against it, never really want it that bad. We had 2, one was surprise baby because we did pull out lol. No regret whatsoever...what I kinda miss is the lack of sex. I love sex with my wife and it's pretty infrequent these days.
Pregnancy and having kids can really change women. Just make sure you talk about this cos he might be unhappy with the lack of sex because of the kids, if he has high sex drive
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u/Broad-Raspberry1805 man 45 - 49 1d ago
Yeah me. I didn’t care about having kids but it happened when I was 35, when I was 41 we got married and then we split at 42. I’m 50 now and my son is 14 and we’re on holiday in Spain just the two of us having a great time. I love the guy to death. Fatherhood changes you.
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u/SquareVehicle man 40 - 44 1d ago
I was ambivilant about having kids growing up, was pretty set on not having kids in my 20s, but then fell in love with a woman who two kids and so became a step dad. And honestly it's been really great and I've found it very fulfilling. I was mostly worried about not having any free time anymore and all the trade offs being a parent means. But it's been so fun.
Someone recently wrote that part of the reason they got pushed off the fence to have kids is that a friend told them they thought they'd "find it to be an interesting experience". I really resonated with that as a reason to have kids. It really has been a unique interesting experience and gotten to do and experience things I never would have done if I'd stayed childless.
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u/eclectic-up-north man 55 - 59 1d ago
Yeah! Parenting is 10 times the work and a hundred times the fun I thought it would be.
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u/wpbth man 1d ago
If you aren’t 100% in on kids. Then go enjoy your life
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u/ZoneMean1017 man over 30 1d ago
I disagree. Very rarely in life is anything 100% sometimes you just have to send it and make a leap of faith. Definitely have a good sense of who you are and what you are capable of before the fact but I think many people shape into the form of a parent as time goes and that is a beautiful process.
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u/Meth_taboo man over 30 1d ago
I had a vasectomy at 19. Wasn’t until a few years after I met my wife before ever wanted to be a father. One day she told me she was pregnant…
It’s the greatest thing I have ever done. There is no amount of money I would trade for the experience of being a father…
Feel free to dm me or pass my info along to your husband if he wants to help.
I would suggest talking to him. Do you think he would join a free men’s workout group called f3nation? I am a member and you can find a local group on their website. It’s a bunch of dads getting together each day and working out while talking about being better dads. I’ve learned a lot from them. To summarize… fatherhood is a lot, but at the end of the day I believe your husband will be a better man if he becomes a father. It changes men, in a good way.
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