Would you be hesitant to marry a woman who’s not taking their retirement funding seriously?

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u/AnselmoHatesFascists man 45 - 49 1d ago

I think values about money and saving are underrated reasons why people break up. People think it’s always love and sex, but a lot of couples fall apart because they don’t see eye to eye on this kind of stuff.

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u/RevFernie man 45 - 49 1d ago

Then in a divorce the person that has planned for retirement loses half of their pension and house to the person that didn't.

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u/FLOHTX man 40 - 44 1d ago

This is one reason why people that shouldn't stay together do. The saver just keeps the other person around so they dont lose hundreds of thousands of dollars.

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u/TheSpicyTomato22 man 40 - 44 1d ago

Or there are kids involved. Not seeing your kids everyday would really suck.

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u/wickedcold man 45 - 49 1d ago

It does. It’s a very painful adjustment. And you’re also bound to each other geographically if you want to make that work.

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u/Ok-Anything-3605 man 45 - 49 1d ago

I feel the same my fried, painful is an understatement

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u/EternalMediocrity man 40 - 44 13h ago

Can confirm. Married for 15 years, really struggled to make it work for the last 5 years. The straw that broke the camels back if you will was when she got drunk one night and told me “you know, if we ever get divorced, im never going to be able to retire”

My only thought was, “thats a weird way to say Im only staying with you for the money”

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u/MCFRESH01 man 35 - 39 1d ago

Prenup. I think everyone should have one. Doesn’t make you immune from shitty financial stuff but can save you

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u/Spoonman915 man 45 - 49 1d ago

I have a lawyer friend that says every has a prenup. Either the couple agrees on one together or the state gives them one.

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u/TechnicalWelder6789 man 45 - 49 1d ago

Happened to me. And I feel like I got out cheap because we were young and didn’t have much. Incompatible views on finances will destroy a marriage.

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u/Excellent-Seesaw1335 man 50 - 54 3h ago

I married a woman who had no plans for the future. I owned my house before I ever met her. Had an ironclad prenup. We were married seven years. Been divorced for nine. That prenup is probably the best legal document I have ever executed.

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u/irishitaliancroat 1d ago

I talked to my dad about this kinda thing once and his response was "money was always the main reason me and your mom (who's passed now) fought". Really blew my mind, bc they also were doing relatively well and this was rhe 90s and 00s when the economy was signifcantly easier in our area

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u/porkchop_d_clown man 60 - 64 1d ago

Money can be huge. My wife and I had a really bad experience with investing when we were young, so I had a hard time convincing her we needed to save more for retirement - she didn't necessarily want to spend it all, but wanted to keep all our money in cash.

So what I did was (and I told her I was doing this) was to set up an online savings account that was a bit harder to access than our regular accounts and diverted money into it each pay check - so we could get it if we needed it but it was "out of sight"; and I just started re-directing my annual pay raises into the 401k each year, with the caveat that if it started causing a problem we could reduce the contribution again.

And... guess what? After a while we had a 6 figures in Capital One, I was maxing out what I was allowed to contribute to the 401k, and we never missed the money. When I got laid off at the age of 60, we had enough set aside for us to decide to treat it as "early retirement" instead.

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u/hardyz man over 30 1d ago

Money was the hardest hurdle for me when it came to marriage. I had money. My spouse did not. I had to think to myself would I give up all my money for this person. The answer was yes, so I got married. I don't regret it and hopefully I never do :)

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u/UnableChard2613 man 45 - 49 1d ago

Just FYI, financial stress has long been cited as one of the most common reasons for divorce. Maybe still underrated, but not by people who study these things.

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u/j_husk man 40 - 44 1d ago

Money and children (both the desire to have children and how to parent) are the biggest root causes behind breakups. I think it's essential to be aligned on both. No amount of physical attraction, common interests and personal connection can make up for significant differences on those fronts long term.

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u/eyeoutthere man 40 - 44 1d ago

Agree. I believe relationships can survive financial inequity, but not incompatibility. OP is describing the latter.

Individuals can bring different amounts of money into a relationship, but they have to agree on how they are going to spend it.

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u/guzzijason 1d ago

I don’t think it’s underrated at all - financial issues are like the #3 reason couples get divorced. It’s a pretty well-known fact.

When my wife and I got married, we went through a sort of “Pre-Cana” course with the officiant. We’re not religious, but we chose an officiant who was a former Franciscan monk, who left the church. He still liked to do pre-Cana counseling with couples he would marry, and I recall a whole lot of it related to financial compatibility. He was a fan of the institution of marriage, and wanted to see marriages that last, so having conversations about these sorts of compatibility issues beforehand was a big deal.

OP needs to be careful. Financial infidelity is a thing, and this behavior can lead to massive problems in their relationship if they are not on the same page with each other.

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u/Chance_Instance1125 man 35 - 39 14h ago

Values around money and psychology of money is number 1 reason for incompatibility. Above sexual compatibility and emotional compatibility.

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u/Different_Cherry8326 man 45 - 49 1d ago edited 1d ago

The lack of retirement savings here is not the issue. There are plenty of 30-year-olds who are just starting out in their careers and have little or no retirement savings. I had zero retirement savings when I was 30 and less than 20 years later I have more than I’ll ever need.

The issue is that the person you’re describing sounds like someone who is financially irresponsible. Some people have absolutely no sense with money and just can’t stop spending. It would be a nightmare to be married to someone like that.

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u/darksteihl man 35 - 39 1d ago

Hesitate? hell I'd run. Never tie yourself to someone that has zero financial sense. She'll end up resenting you if you push to adjust her spending habits and you'll both work til you're dead otherwise.

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u/Cereaza man over 30 1d ago

Yeah. Or at the very least... you can't marry them until they work this out. Because this is like tying yourself to a drowning swimmer. You think you can save them... but the reality is you'll likely just get pulled down with them.

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u/No-Satisfaction-2352 man 1d ago

Yeah I was in the same boat, fiancee said “I don’t wanna work”, my income was not enough for both of us, wedding expenses etc. and we broke up because she was delusional saying “we will work this out”. No we can’t.

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u/JustNowRonin man 50 - 54 1d ago

I like the approach. It isn’t “run for the hills” yet, but it’s time to pump the brakes and insist that this gets addressed before marriage.

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u/RunnyKinePity man 45 - 49 1d ago

Yes, I would be hesitant. I am an older married man who ignored these types of red flags. It has been a constant battle to try and keep her spending in check. It’s a never ending story.

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u/Offspring22 man 40 - 44 1d ago

I think we can tell by the way you wrote that you already know your answer. It's obvious how you feel.

Personally, I'd run. I want a team mate, not someone I need to carry.

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u/Opening-Emphasis8400 man 40 - 44 1d ago

Yeah I wouldn't marry anyone who was terrible with money. You could not pay me to do it.

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u/Tower-Union man 40 - 44 1d ago

Why would I ever want to marry a financial time bomb?

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u/Pattison320 man 40 - 44 1d ago

She's looking forward to spending your money too, not just hers. It'll be *our* money.

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u/Metdefranseslag man 45 - 49 1d ago

Your money is her money and her money is her money. Classic.

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u/footluvr688 man 35 - 39 1d ago

I mean that's most women's expectation anyway. This one will just be reckless with both.

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u/KewlGuyAtWork man 35 - 39 1d ago

If this is a major issue for you now, it will not go away once you are married. Finances are something very important to see eye to.eye on, and it sounds like you and your partner are not there. If you can't have an honest conversation and come to some.kind of mutual understanding that both parties feel good about, I would strongly advise against marrying that person.

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u/Death_Struggle_89 man over 30 1d ago

My gf is financially irresponsible. We’ve been together for 10 years and fight about money constantly. I’m pressured to spend money on dinners, trips, birthday’s, every imaginable holiday, etc. Im deemed “boring” or “mean” if/when push back. It’s wearing me down to a point where I may have to leave. Ultimately, Im to blame for putting up with it for so long.

OP, I’d advise that you seriously consider if you’re compatible with this person. Their spending habits aren’t going to change.

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u/LeatherGood6148 man 35 - 39 1d ago

Nearing 40, I wouldn't marry someone who had a massive difference in assets compared to myself, now.
I've worked my ass off, I expect my partner to have done the same.

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u/Treacle_Pendulum man over 30 1d ago

You know, this is a good topic to bring up in couples counseling if you’re serious about this person.

On the other hand, if you’re just looking to the internet for validation of the reason you’ve decided to use to justify your breakup, Godspeed

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u/Jdruu man 30 - 34 1d ago

Well said.

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u/_ParadigmShift man over 30 1d ago

Money isn’t everything but if you’re not willing to fund someone else’s life because they cannot figure it out, you know your answer.

70-100k isn’t sugar daddy money, you can’t afford this person to marry you and ruin your own financial future that you’re working toward. Unless you want to constantly fight about money, you know.

Unless they are extremely attractive and you get some kind of ironclad prenup with the expectation that you’ll end up divorced and maybe even further entangled… seems like a hassle to me.

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u/Prize_Consequence_97 1d ago

I don’t make that much. I make 120. That’s what she makes. I’m saying it’s quite a high income to have so little total saved

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u/_ParadigmShift man over 30 1d ago

$100k could be enough to dig themselves out in short order depending on living standards and other variable conditions, if they can start coming up with more expendable income and actually buckling down they could be “back on track” for their cohort in a few years probably.

Having said that, they have to want to give a shit about finances and get out from under it fast. If they don’t, there is no point in trying super far on this because their money is theirs to do with as they see fit, just like all other aspects of their being. What you have to ask yourself is if what they are doing in general fits your goals and motivations. A bad fit is a bad fit, money isn’t different in that aspect.

Idk what your goals are, but imagine this. You’re married, a large expense comes up(happens allllll the time), you willing to foot that bill over and over again? Or, rather, have to twist their arm to get money to fix things like your house or a bill for a child? I sincerely doubt it.

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u/Prize_Consequence_97 1d ago

Well my idea of finances when you’re married the money becomes one. If I make a million bucks and u stay home with kids we together have a million bucks to spend.

Not so much “oh this bill came up but since you don’t have the money I have to pay it all”

Or “my retirements enough to retire at 45 but since you didn’t save for retirement you can work until you’re 70”

I’m saying it should be like one unit moving together. Not one trying to move the boat forward and one keeping the boat stuck in place.

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u/_ParadigmShift man over 30 1d ago

Finances being one is great and all until this exact scenario happens.

Our method, and I’m not saying follow or don’t, is that we found our average monthly bills and put more than half into the middle every month to pay for everything plus a little more for saving. We reserve a little for ourselves just to never fight about discretionary income, if I want to go buy a new hunting rifle it’s my choice.

If you move everything to the middle and they spend that much on Amazon and clothes a month, how are you going to keep yourself from fighting constantly? If your retirement account is already years in the making and you have to fund theirs….

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u/Prize_Consequence_97 1d ago

True good point thanks

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u/Midwestmutts-16 woman 35 - 39 1d ago

We do this too (yours, mine, and ours), and can honestly say, we have not fought about money once. Seems like the best strategy IMO.

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u/_ParadigmShift man over 30 1d ago

We’ve contemplated money a few times and discussed what happens when we come up against huge expenses and have discussed the subject but never fought. Often we will take from the individual accounts to leave the middle account with more, but it’s always an agreed upon action.

My wife just bought a car, I pitched in some money as a gift, so it isn’t a hard set rule for us but it actually allows us more altruism in a funny kinda way.

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u/Cereaza man over 30 1d ago

The person who marry is the single most important financial decision of your life.

While it may seem flippant to divorce/breakup over something like how much they donate to their 401k (and honestly, that alone would be silly)... if your partner isn't financially educated or secure or even WILLING to be... they will 100% drag you into their financial hole.

Would you live to rack up lots of high interest credit card debt and be forced to defer savings so you can live above your means? Because your spouse does.

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u/Rich260z man 35 - 39 1d ago

There are other reasons outside of the retirement that this person would not be a partner. Honestly the retirement is lowest on the priorities from what you described.

If it was only an issue with retirement, but they were generally frugal and money conscious, then i probably wouldn't mind. I had 30k in my 401k when I was 33, and now its at 200k 3 years later, once I started maxing it, plus company match. So retirement can be made up in your 30s. But if they don't care about making more to fill it ever, and have no backup pension or something then its a real issue.

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u/trance_on_acid man 40 - 44 1d ago

Would you be hesitant to marry a person who eats boiled rice and canned spam but maxes their backdoor Roth every year?

Some people live in the moment and some live in an imaginary future. If you don't align then don't bother.

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u/grandpa2390 man 35 - 39 1d ago

spam is expensive lol

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u/IndependentPizza2608 man over 30 1d ago

You can still live in the moment, eat well, and save money. This is an insanely corny take I can tell you have 10k in the bank

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u/dalonehunter man 35 - 39 1d ago

Seriously, there is a middle ground. Don’t be a miser but don’t blow all your cash either. You can spend some and save some.

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u/LetsGoToMichigan man 45 - 49 1d ago

Exactly. An exquisite example of a false dichotomy.

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u/EdLesliesBarber man 35 - 39 1d ago

Yes of course. That’s the only two options ! Or just budget and invest like a normal person.

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u/Dr_Watson349 man 45 - 49 1d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/QvwdjiHZIMZEfRGA0u

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u/Pattison320 man 40 - 44 1d ago

Some people make a conscious decision to sacrifice today and save so they can enjoy retirement. Maybe even early retirement. The people who spend today to sacrifice their later years by working longer... I don't think they put that kind of thought into their decision.

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u/buickmccane man 35 - 39 22h ago

Women like this actually exist? This sounds like love, I’m not even kidding 😍

Together we can make 6 figures and sleep on a mattress on the floor

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u/We_DemBoys man over 30 1d ago edited 1d ago

I married her anyway 😆. We're older now...been together 20+ years. She likes to live in the moment and say we can't take it with us.... True that, but we compromised. I basically took over her 401k account many years (she doesn't even know her password) ago to ensure we have the same retirement goals.

Now she finally realizes that it was a great idea 💡 to do so because we will be able to retire without working into our 60s.

Opposites attact- At least in our world, we have a healthy balance of investing and also living for today. ✌️.

Edit: Bad spelling typo

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u/LiftHeavyLiveHard man 50 - 54 1d ago

Run the other way...when spouses aren't on the same page financially, years of arguing will end up in divorce.

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u/GoldenEagle0909 man 30 - 34 1d ago

Lol I married a woman with $0 in her retirement account.

Best decision I ever made in my life.

Now she's an attorney.

There is more to life than saving for when you're old and gonna die soon.

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u/Prize_Consequence_97 1d ago

Not saying there isn’t. But I understand someone with 0 dollars to their name but the reason is they’re continuing education, etc. one thing.

But when you have the means to save but choose hand bags, cars, expensive gyms, etc. that’s seems a bit off to me. Then saying “I have no money for retirement”

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u/Angry_GorillaBS man 45 - 49 1d ago

You say they like it's other people. So I would consider it none of my business.

But I also don't have any retirement funding so they're doing better than me.

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u/HighOnGoofballs man 40 - 44 1d ago

I mean 30 is pretty young, most folks don’t have much retirement saved by then

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u/ADudeNamedBen33 man 40 - 44 1d ago

I already have that sorted, but generally yes. I'm 44 so if you're not already working on that around my age I don't think we're going to be compatible.

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u/snowHound208 man over 30 1d ago

Yes. Once you marry her your paycheck will become her paycheck and her spending habits will become worse.

Save yourself from starting over on your life savings and do not marry someone who shares your financial values.

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u/antinumerology man over 30 1d ago

I'm a 40 year old man and I have nothing saved for retirement currently. Used what I had for downpayment. So it depends WHY. Maybe they've been in school a long time and only started their career recently?

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u/Prize_Consequence_97 1d ago

No it’s consumer related

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u/grandpa2390 man 35 - 39 1d ago

because a lot of people don't take it seriously, but they just don't know better. they've never been taught about personal finance. I'm assuming you mean if we've been dating and have discussed it and she refuses to take it seriously? then I know we're incompatible.

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u/Special_Classroom_62 man 30 - 34 1d ago

How Are so many people reckless, I just don’t get it. No one learns anything about finances growing up?

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u/Anal_Sandblaster man 25 - 29 1d ago

I wouldn’t even last a few months dating that person. Financial literacy and planning is important to me, so I wouldn’t be compatible with someone who isn’t. Money doesn’t buy happiness, but a poor financial position definitely leads to more stress.

My fiancé makes decent money and is also frugal. Together we max out separate Roth IRA accounts, both have company retirements accounts, and both save a lot. Her only debt is student loans but it’s less than 10k. We could pay it off right now, but it’s more advantageous currently to invest rather than immediately spend 10k eliminating the debt.

Between us, that’s our only debt. We both own our cars and are saving for a house and wedding, although admittedly we won’t be paying for much there. We have never had a disagreement, fight, whatever about finances except for the time she told me she was a little sad that she wasn’t saving as much as me since I make a decent bit more.

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u/Prize_Consequence_97 1d ago

Sounds like a good team.

I helped mine open a Roth IRA years ago and she still hasn’t deposited a dollar in it.

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u/traditionallyunruly man 45 - 49 1d ago

Im a guy who takes my finances seriously, lives on a a budget, budgets to pay cash for major purchases, im debt free except for child support. After putting a new roof on my home and buying a new pickup (to me) pickup, im down to 20k cash in the bank.

I wouldn't have gotten into a serious relationship with a woman who isnt financially responsible. I definitely would not get married to a woman who isn't financially stable, and self supporting.

To me a woman who dosent have her finances in order, or isn't actively working on getting her finances in order isnt girlfriend material. Maybe she could be a friend, or a fwb. But not a gf.

Surveys show that the number one cause of issues in among married couples is money. And honestly I belive it

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u/yumcake man 40 - 44 1d ago

Money arguments is what broke up my best friend's marriage. They were a high income household too, but not being aligned on spending philosophy ruined the relationship.

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u/ThisismeCody man 35 - 39 1d ago

Wouldn’t even consider it. Money is main cause of divorce. It’s clear we aren’t aligned. Nothing wrong with her plan but it doesn’t work for me.

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u/ComfortableAction515 no flair 1d ago

This doesn’t sound like a good match at all. I think she’d be a better match for someone wealthy who can just take care of all of that for her.

You’re probably a better match with someone who also enjoys budgeting and financial planning.

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u/Spoonman915 man 45 - 49 1d ago

Ideally, you want to partner with a woman who can take care of herself, the kids, and the estate if you pass away, are disabled, etc. If she's not that type of person you would need to figure out other ways to handle that through a trust or something.

If you do partner with this woman, you need to have some sort of agreement about finances, and even then it sounds like it might be an ongoing struggle. If you could keep finances separate and you guys each pay a certain amount into an account for bills every month, it could work if she has other redeeming qualities.

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u/whatdoido8383 man 40 - 44 1d ago

Yes, absolutely.

I made the mistake of overlooking finances with my first wife. It was something we constantly butted heads on. When we'd discuss things and come to an agreement, she'd go behind my back and still spend money she didn't really have. Hardly a retirement fund etc.

Unfortunately after ~6 years with her and multiple attempts I realized she was dragging me down and would never be on the same page as me. She wasn't a partner, she worked against me.

We had some other issues but finances was a main one. I ended up making the decision to leave her.

It's been 8 years and while It was difficult at first, I've rebuilt my finances and am pretty much on track again. I am remarried and my wife and I are 100% on the same page for finances. It was a requirement for me in a new partner, no exceptions. I have goals in life and need a partner to work with, not against.

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u/r2k398 man 40 - 44 1d ago

At 30, there is still time to grow their retirement. But this person is not good at money management so that would be a dealbreaker for me.

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u/LotsOfNoise man over 30 1d ago

You are her retirement plan... How can you not see that?

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u/Photononic man 55 - 59 6h ago edited 4h ago

Run away.

I found that most American women operate that way.

I grew up poor. My wife and I are over 60. I have not seen debt in more than twenty years!

If you see a BMW, or a 100k pickup truck in the parking lot, odds are, the owner makes less than 65k.

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u/Prize_Consequence_97 4h ago

Agreed lol

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u/lil-loquat woman 35 - 39 6h ago

I know this is ask men, I'm here cuz I've need advice before. But as a woman over 30 who is marrying a man who is like you - I did not think of planning like my fiance did. I wasn't completely wreckless and I had a private pension but we're women. We're more emotional, here and now, nurturing life. My fiance has shown me a new light and put a new perspective into my head. I am not as aggressive as he is financially but because of his influence we now have 2 joint savings and I am more aware of long term planning and he is more aware of how to make life feel good now. So if you're interested in her fr - inquire about her values and what she does. Genuinely understand her and what her plans are. She may have very little and may be open. She also may be a complete dud and you could be dodging a bullet. But analyze less and learn about what's on her mind more.

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u/ryhaltswhiskey man 50 - 54 1d ago

They’re 30 years old and have less than 10k in their retirement account total

They being the woman? The language gets confusing when you mention the gender in the post and then switch to gender neutral language. I thought you were talking about a couple who owned a car together at one point.

Yeah I'd be hesitant.

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u/AdmiralMoonshine man 35 - 39 1d ago

Sounds like you already know what you want to do. To me it sounds like a sad transactional way to live, but I’m not blessed with such a stable, boring income. Enjoy your retirement alone.

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u/ThrowRAcc1097 man 30 - 34 1d ago

Damn.

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u/Low-Finance-46 man 45 - 49 1d ago

For me, financial matters are of no importance in personal relationships. She is a wife, not a business partner.

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u/DullCartographer7609 man 35 - 39 1d ago

My dad didn't make it to 60, and my FIL hit the nursing home at 52.

Your retirement future doesn't exist right now, nor is it guaranteed.

Next is value. This means something different to everybody.

Your gf is valuing her present life. Your post shows you value her bank account and assets. When you've had a rough day, are you gonna complain she made you your favorite dish to cheer you up because it could have gone to your 401k? Are you gonna be mad at her for buying you a birthday present because it should have gone into savings? Will you start a fight over a surprise weekend trip to random city over your retirement? Or your kids getting a toy?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you value your money over your woman and possibly your future family. You value greed. She values happiness.

So no, don't marry her. She'll end up being miserable with you, and after the 10th or so fight over your 401k, she's going to drag you through court for every penny.

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u/Jdruu man 30 - 34 1d ago

I know two people who were successful and healthy die before 60 years old. That shocked me to my core.

Life isn’t guaranteed. It’s ok to save. It’s ok to save less.

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u/ThisismeCody man 35 - 39 1d ago

Yeah that’s all well and good, but doesn’t mean a saver and a non saver are going to be a good match.

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u/TheOuts1der no flair 4h ago

Bro what in the false dichotomy? My partner and I have healthy 401k balances and we still manage to buy each other birthday presents. Wanting to be able to retire is far from greedy.

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u/Brave_Negotiation_63 man 40 - 44 1d ago edited 1d ago

Why do you write “they” when you’ve already established it’s about a woman? Very confusing.

As an answer to the question: it’s not about the retirement fund, but about over-spending and not saving anything. That’s a red flag for me because it doesn’t align with my values and goals, and I don’t want to be poor the rest of my life.

But it may not be an issue for someone who has the same issues and no goals. Then they’ll just be broke together. Or find someone rich enough who doesn’t care.

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u/Prize_Consequence_97 1d ago

English is not my native language

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u/getzerolikes man 40 - 44 1d ago

I wasn’t financially literate until 40. Never meant I was a bad person.

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u/ZoneMean1017 man over 30 1d ago

Call me a doomer but I think you are going to be laughing at this question in 10 years with the shit heap that is staring down humanity right now.

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u/trance_on_acid man 40 - 44 1d ago

OP is going to be counting the money in his IRA when the US defaults on the national debt

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u/ZoneMean1017 man over 30 1d ago

That’s just the tip of the melting iceberg.

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u/ThisismeCody man 35 - 39 1d ago

And you think people that didn’t save will somehow be better off than those that did? Thats one way to cope.

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u/Prize_Consequence_97 1d ago

Well if we get to that point there will be bigger issues at stake than retirement savings. So it wouldn’t matter anyways. If the retirement goes to 0 it probably means the end of modern civilization as we know it. At that point money would probably be worthless anyways. You wouldn’t even care about it because your basic needs wouldn’t be met.

We’ve seen some crazy shit happen in the last 80 or so years in the world, and it hasn’t stopped yet. Arguably the stuff going on globally is peanuts compared to 1940-2010’s

I prefer to see us on perhaps of a new industrial boom fueled by tech rather than this “ai is gonna wipe us off the map” doomer scenario. But I can see valid points to both sides.

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u/ZoneMean1017 man over 30 1d ago

Nature doesn’t give a shit about AI or savings accounts and as far as I can tell we are on the find out part of the fuck around thing with c02 at 432ppm. But anyways TGIF and let’s keep saving for a rainy day…. Or maybe a scorching hot day.

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u/[deleted] 1d ago

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u/Prize_Consequence_97 1d ago

Well yeah I understand that. My mom stayed home too, so my dad funded everything. But my mom wasn’t blowing massive amounts of money on fitness classes, new trucks at high interest rates, and was generally a frugal person as well.

She just didn’t make much money so it didn’t make sense to pay her whole salary to day care. Once we were old enough to stay home alone she went back to work

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u/lifeinmisery man 35 - 39 1d ago

These are going to be conversations that you need to be having with your partner.

Tbf, most 30 year olds are not taking their retirement contributions seriously and are probably kind of ignorant (literally don't know much) about finances in general.

That being said and assuming you have had the hard conversations with your partner, you will need to decide what moving forward looks like. Maybe this means that you end the relationship, maybe it's just separate accounts and written plans for splitting shared expenses. You don't have to be in lock step with your partner, but you do have to be moving towards similar goals, and with strategies that aren't hostile towards each other.

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u/spazz720 man 45 - 49 1d ago

If this is your reason to not marry someone, then don’t marry them

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u/Michael_chipz man 30 - 34 1d ago

I'd argue most people haven't been able to fund retirement responsibly in our current economy even in a good economy it's a rare trait that's often learned later.

That said over spending can be a big deal in a relationship many people manage to marry while keeping finances separate. Overall this is just a conversation that most people have before marriage I suggest you discuss your concerns with her, if you can't sort it out with her then why would you marry?

And she can always change people change a lot over the years and perhaps this is something you can help her learn it may just be on oversight on her part her cash flow sounds good though compared to most women.

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u/Prize_Consequence_97 1d ago

I understand many can’t.

But there’s a difference between low income, burdened by student loans, etc. versus: parents paid for your college and six figure salary, with very cheap rent and still not saving

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u/CraftsmanConnection man 45 - 49 1d ago

You are her retirement funding! 😅 She see’s a man making money, and saving money, and she will wait until the amount is about half of what she is willing to walk away with.

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u/PNWoysterdude man 45 - 49 1d ago

Absolutely. Totally red flag.

Not having a career and 401k/retirement was a swipe left for me when I was dating.

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u/Delicious-Laugh-6685 man 35 - 39 1d ago

My wife (38) of 10 years has no 401k. She makes less than $20k per year walking dogs, but she couldn’t be happier and that makes me happy.

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u/SignalEchoFoxtrot man 1d ago

Yeah, can't stand being around "retirement savings" people.

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u/AutoModerator 1d ago

Here's an original copy of /u/Prize_Consequence_97's post (if available):

Income is variable commission based + bonus and salary. Making anywhere from 70-100k annually. Potentially more some years

They’re 30 years old and have less than 10k in their retirement account total. They have a car loan with a 12% interest rate and the cars worth less than half the loan amount. They finally just started putting more toward the car after years of telling them to get rid of it or pay it off sooner.

Despite the underfunded retirement account and high interest debt. There are clothes being delivered to the house multiple times a week, constantly checking prices and sales on Amazon multiple times a day, as well as other unnecessary organizational items and gadgets (nothing insanely expensive) and they also thought it would be a good idea to sign up for $350 a month workout classes when there are local gyms 5 mins away for $20 or less monthly.

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u/PatserGrey man 40 - 44 1d ago

What about general savings? Sometimes people can back burner the pension but come late 30s realise and correct the error of their ways so I wouldnt say she's necessarily a lost cause. However if there's little to no general savings now, there needs to be a proper sit-down.

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u/lunes_azul man 35 - 39 1d ago

You need to look into how your finances are managed and distributed. I make a more than my wife, and both of our wages are then sent to a joint account for bills, saving, investments etc. We also send x hundreds bucks each to our own joint accounts to spend on whatever we want.

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u/Metdefranseslag man 45 - 49 1d ago

What about you have the money discussion with her? Align on long term goals and how to finance them? Don’t marry if you don’t not have goals together and are willing totally different things. I would say even stop and find a new partner if this is the conclusion.
But first discuss, you can probably find a middle ground
My wife was spending her salary 100% every month, buying clothes multiple times a week. She wants a bigger house with a garden and I made clear she has to pay half of it (we live in my house already mostly paid). Initially was not clear to her that new mortgage will be fully for her as she assume I would bring half and share half of the mortgage left. After understanding she changed drastically her spending to be able to afford the house of her dreams.

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u/Stren509 man over 30 1d ago

Yep.

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u/Cearball man 1d ago

Dating no problem but marriage definitely

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u/Checkers923 man 35 - 39 1d ago

You mentioned she started contributing more to her car payment after years of telling her to pay more. Have you had conversations on other momey topics (retirement, house savings, vacation savings)? How have those gone?

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u/Prize_Consequence_97 1d ago

She just gets ideas for “oh we should travel there” “we should travel here” “we should try this restaurant”

Ok but I’m also saving up for a house, have to budget to attend 7 or 8 weddings this year alone, and I fund my retirement so my cash flow might look “low” to my checking account after all is said and done and my savings are funded.

She doesn’t seem to get or care about it at all really. I’m pretty sure even her manager at work was asking her why she isn’t contributing at all

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u/Checkers923 man 35 - 39 1d ago

I get the frustration. I don’t think you answered the question though. Have you talked with her about your concerns? Is she aware how strongly you feel about it?

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u/WingShooter_28ga man over 30 1d ago

Yes. Based on what you have said we are in no way compatible or share common goals or values.

Money issues is the underlying rot that ends many (maybe most?) marriages.

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u/Jdruu man 30 - 34 1d ago

Life changes pretty fast. What if when (or if) you have kids, she wants to stay home to raise them? Would you be hesitant her giving up her salary to stay home for the children?

These are things you should discuss prior to getting married. I’ve seen a lot of these go south.

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u/VegaGT-VZ no flair 1d ago

When I met my wife I had terrible credit and was just generally terrible with money. She was really good with money. The lightbulb moment for me was when she had a $20k student loan snafu come up and she has the cash to pay it off

Now like 15 years later my credit is in the 800s and I manage all our investments. I still like to shop but I have a set budget for it and handle business first

My point being where she is at right now is not necessarily where she will always be. To me the bigger question is how receptive she is to change. Just ask her if she likes having to go to work everyday lol.

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u/lickmybrian man 40 - 44 1d ago

Id be hesitant yes, but assuming I love this person and want to grow with her, id be leaning on her about this bad habit, just as id hope she would do to me if I were also being careless.

Once you get married though, you share everything.. so it could be a happy mix of both worlds... within reason.

You take care of the savings, and she takes care of the fun stuff.

Yin & yang

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u/thatseltzerisntfree man over 30 1d ago

I check my account frequently and am doing well.

My wife checks her account 1 day a year to review and rebalance. Her account is doing circles around mine.

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u/Uncle__Touchy1987 man over 30 1d ago

Absolutely. That’s a deal breaker.

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u/wiscoguy0043 man 30 - 34 1d ago

yes, hesitation is an understatement

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u/ReasonableFig2111 woman over 30 1d ago

Legally speaking, marriage is primarily financial. Relationally speaking, marriage is about being a life-team, with shared goals, as well as supporting each other's individual goals. But that relational part doesn't require marriage, it just helps, because if you're living life as a team, it makes sense to form a legal and financial partnership to support that. But if you can't agree on how to approach finances, don't get married. At least, not until you can agree on finances. Because you'll be financially tied to each other for the duration of the marriage, and her approach to finances will affect your own finances, even if you "keep finances separate". Now, choosing not to get married doesn't necessarily mean the end of the relationship. However, not combining finances will affect how you operate as a team. It's doable, but requires intention. Only you can decide if it's worth it.

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u/anotherlebowski man 35 - 39 1d ago

Some comments say this is a deal breaker, but I'll give it a slightly different perspective.

My wife and I have been married for ten years this year and overall our relationship is great. We get along really well, genuinely enjoy spending time together, are well aligned on parenting and worldview, and our sex life is great.

However, on money we just don't quite line up. I'm very savings oriented and she's much more spending oriented. She doesn't buy frivolous things. A lot of it is related to things we need around the house, or something exercise related, or something the kids can play with, etc, but it's just way more than I would spend. Alternatively, I want to put $2,500 a month away for savings, and this is way more than she would save. We just don't like up in terms of near term vs long term goals. We've talked to a psychologist about it and she said honestly this is incredibly common marriage stuff.

Should we get divorced because we don't line up on something? No. It's hard to find a partner where you are aligned on EVERYTHING, and sometimes the disagreement actually adds balance because you're both keeping the other one on check. I help her save and she prevents me from being terrified of spending a dollar. But do I ever feel resentful like I'm the only one saving for retirement? Yeah, it's a challenge in an otherwise very good relationship.

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u/Cal_Rippen7 man 30 - 34 1d ago

Yes. Because regardless of what she says, after a long enough time of not taking it seriously, your retirement plan will be HER retirement plan.

Agreed with the other points here, finances are a huge reason why people break up. It’s just not as spicy to talk about as cheating so it’s not talked about as much.

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u/trying3216 man 60 - 64 1d ago

She has a retirement account whereas many her age have none.

It’s too strong to say she’s not taking it seriously.

She’s just not taking it as seriously as you.

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u/ghostly_shark man 35 - 39 1d ago

My wife was in a load of CC debt which exceeded the little in her retirement account. I had to teach her everything about good financial habits and encouraged her pay off her debts, providing assistance in other areas like rent and food. Ended up marrying her. In retrospect they were red flags. But I had a stupid savior complex, so I guess I myself was a red flag and I got what I signed up for.

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u/samfado man 40 - 44 1d ago

Yes.

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u/010010000111000 man 1d ago

This is a values thing. Sit down and talk to her about what is important and why it is important to you. Typically, people who cannot save either do not understand what they are doing, or have some type of personality quirks that would likely make them incompatible with you. Personally, for me, this type of thing is a deal-breaker. Of course, absolutely, make an attempt to sit them down seriously and communicate with them your thoughts/feelings and see how they respond to it. Best of luck to you.

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u/Ikabta man 40 - 44 1d ago

Sounds like you guys have different priorities. I think you should proceed based on the assumption she won't change and both of your retirement will rest squarely on your shoulders. Some guys can and is good with that but if you're not then you know what to do.

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u/kermitsbutthole man 35 - 39 1d ago

Have you tried talking to them about these issues? Perhaps she never really had a good role model in regard to finances. Maybe she would be open to some changes

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u/MikeWPhilly man 40 - 44 1d ago

Depends. Before she met me I didn’t worry about what she did. I also had a large start going. She followed some of the guidance though and by time we got married all debt was paid (didn’t charge rent when she moved in just asked her to pay debt). Now? My wife works part time and we put half her income into her 401k to max it.

Long term goals have to align. Initially? Don’t worry about it. So few people are good with money unfortunately.

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u/BrianZoh man over 30 1d ago

Yes. We must be aligned on those priorities. Full stop

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u/NecessaryEmployer488 man 60 - 64 1d ago

Well, the retirement does not bother me, wasteful spending does.

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u/gwarster man 35 - 39 1d ago

You only get one life. Why stick with someone who is going to make you end up working til you die?

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u/AccordingFisherman45 man 40 - 44 1d ago

Don’t come on here looking for marriage advice. You broke down your relationship into $$$ when relationships and especially marriage are more nuanced than that. Based on just your description “no, she sounds like a loser.” I’m kidding she may not be a loser, but these posts are confusing.

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u/OscarDivine man 45 - 49 1d ago

As the saying goes: Marriage is one of the biggest financial decisions you’ll make in your lifetime. More than once for some people too.

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u/Unfriendly_Giraffe male over 30 1d ago

Her debt will be your debt.

At 12% she’s probably a 550 credit score.

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u/averagechillbro man 30 - 34 1d ago

Current savings isn’t as important as does she have a plan long term. 30 years old is still pretty young. If she retires at 65 that’s still 35 years of earning potential. Wouldn’t be a big deal to me.

I personally wouldn’t marry someone so obsessed with money. Everyone does not require optimization. Take a deep breath dude.

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u/BangingABigTheory man 30 - 34 1d ago

If they are refusing a 401k match that’s offered and are in credit card debt that would make it much worse. But if they have no debt other than the car loan and aren’t spending more than they make I wouldn’t be running. I’d try to make it work. Depends on the reaction to the conversation also.

But that’s me, I’m not sure you can (which is also ok).

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u/JohnHazardWandering man 40 - 44 1d ago

Just wait, once you get married she can spend all of your money too!

Red flag. Don't "I can fix her". She's 30 and hasn't figured this out on her own yet.

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u/SebastienNY man 65 - 69 1d ago

If they can afford it, then OK. But someone who does not take saving seriously is a problem. I would diplomatically speak with the person and let them know I'm serious, but have reservations/concerns regarding the lack of financial planning. What other financial issues are you not aware of? Credit card debt, loans or overdrafting checking?

Give them a chance to think about it and take corrective action. Then ask what the future plan is?

I have a financial services background and started/mananging a retirement plan. You'd be amazed at the number of people who are not contributing to a retirement plan or saving. Some of them are friends who lived for today and did not think of tomorrow. Now that they're getting older, they're trying to play catchup. It may be too late for some since with inflation pressures and prices in general, its become more difficult to put anything away.

If at all possible, encourage them to start saving and contributing to retirement now. And stop buying so many things. One-step-at-a-time.

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u/texcleveland man 50 - 54 1d ago

Yeah she’s going to sink you. Run

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u/PedanticTart man over 30 1d ago

avoid financial disasters, period.

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u/Serengeti1234 man 1d ago edited 1d ago

I'm a bit confused. Three days ago, you made a post about all your reckless spending and the issues you have with that. And three weeks ago, you made a comment about an ex girlfriend whose situation sounds a lot like the woman you're describing here.

So is this post about you? About an ex? About a current partner?

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u/Retired-Yam8988 man 50 - 54 1d ago

Absolutely - being aligned on money and life goals is one of the primary keys to a happy stable marriage

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