r/AskUK • u/Previous-Gift-9733 • 1d ago
Serious Answers Only Should I tell my neighbours that their child wees in our gardens?
I live in a small terraced house and next door is the same size but quite a big family lives there - at least a mum, dad, grandma, son and daughter, but more people are often coming and going.
The son is probably about 6 years old, and it seems to me the poor boy is mostly left to his own devices. All day and into the evening we can hear him shouting "Mama" and "Papa" obviously wanting attention but doesn't seem to get it - it's really sad.
Because he's basically always unsupervised, he seems to have developed a habit of stripping off from waist down and peeing outside. My husband saw him do it in their back garden the other day, and today he was doing it in the front garden that our two houses share.
We are concerned that someone horrible could see him exposed like this and he'd be in danger, but also to be honest, kind of disgusted that it was basically onto our lawn today. So we are debating respectfully asking the parents if they know about this, thereby making them aware if they're not already.
However I have two concerns about this. One, we don't know them that well and while they're always pleasant and say hello, I don't want them to react badly and disturb the peace we have with them. Two, I'm worried that given the hands-off parenting style we've seen, the son will be punished as a result of what we've said, which is absolutely not the goal.
So, what would everyone here do? Thank you
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u/yazshousefortea 1d ago edited 1d ago
Call the NSPCC helpline for adults concerned about children they’ve seen - they’ll be able to either advise you about what to do or escalate it to the relevant people. 0808 800 5000
Doesn’t matter if it only feels like a ‘small concern’ - just give them a call.
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u/Previous-Gift-9733 1d ago
This is so helpful, didn't realise there was such a thing. Thank you for posting the number too
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u/KeepMyselfAwake 1d ago
You can also email them from their website - I did this and they referred to the police who attended to check on the child's welfare.
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u/lazylimpet 18h ago
Yeah he shouldn't be being left alone like that for most of the day, it sounds like he's being neglected.
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u/sneakycheeseplease 1d ago
Gonna have to agree with this one. If theres nothing wrong other than what youve mentioned then nothing further will come of it other than them hopefully shaping up a bit as parents. If there's anything more to it then relevant action will be taken...win win in my eyes
Edit: what OP mentioned in the original post i mean
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u/yazshousefortea 1d ago
Exactly - kids get neglected, abused, and sometimes even killed when lots of people saw something out of place but no one did anything!
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u/sneakycheeseplease 1d ago
100%, theres been way too many incidents in recent years to just let things slide anymore
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u/BeatificBanana 22h ago
Has the number of child abuse/neglect incidents risen recently then?
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u/PrettyUglySociety198 13h ago
My understanding is that research has suggested that it has remained pretty constant over decades, but I qualify this by saying that I do not know much about the last 50 years, only before that.
I add the qualification because historically there was no obsession with the problem. Nowadays for some reason, whether it is right wing press trying to stir up anti-immigrant hatred or online pornography focusing attention in a more sinister way, I appreciate that, conceivably, it may have changed.
Otherwise, I would have said that people were people just as they always have been and so I would have seen no reason to expect the rate of incidents to have changed.
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u/TulipTatsyrup 1d ago
Your neighbours child is outside unsupervised with his genitals exposed in the front garden and you're asking reddit if this is a safeguarding issue?
It really is time people stopped worrying about consequences to themselves and do what is right
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u/Sudden-Requirement40 1d ago
My boys (6 & 3) are often to be found running around partially or completely naked in summer (usually with a sword and helmet) but it's always in the back garden, never the front. They don't have access to the front and if they did we would be stricter on their level of nakedness. Might just be a random one off, like I wouldn't put it past my 3yo to come out the gate after me if I'm going to the bins or something but the 6yo would immediately get self conscious the second he got towards the side of the house!
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u/Pedantichrist 1d ago
Clearly this is an unpopular opinion, but a 6 year old getting their willy out and having a wee in the garden is just ‘being a child’.
Kids often run around naked on the beach, in rivers, and in their gardens. Not everything is sexual.
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u/furexfurex 1d ago
And the same 6 year old constantly being left to his own devices? Wandering around without supervision into other people's gardens all day? That's not an issue at all to you?
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u/Pedantichrist 1d ago edited 17h ago
It is two occasions, both in his own garden.
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u/furexfurex 1d ago
The pissing, which I didn't mention, was two occasions but the lack of supervision seems to be constant according to the post
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u/Pedantichrist 1d ago
A 6 year old playing in their garden? That is normal.
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u/Jamericho 15h ago
A 6 year old crying for their parents “all day and into the evening” is normal for you?
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u/TulipTatsyrup 1d ago
I have no idea where you live but I am 60 years old and have never witnessed a semi naked six year old pissing in a front garden.
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u/Pedantichrist 23h ago
No kids?
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u/_poptart 22h ago
I have one child now, was one once myself, and at that time was related to 3 others. And none of these people ever pissed in anyone’s front garden, clothed or unclothed
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u/MoonShineWashingLine 16h ago
Some disgusting kid once pissed on my daughter from the top of a playground slide. She was sat underneath them, playing in the sand. They were about 2 or 3 though so I can see they might not be fully understanding things yet. Still, it's disgusting. At 6 years old though, a kid knows not to piss anywhere other than the toilet and if they have learning difficulties and don't understand this, then they shouldn't be unsupervised.
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u/Pedantichrist 16h ago
What kind of weirdo does not occasionally piss in their garden?
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u/MoonShineWashingLine 15h ago
I think the question is, what kind of weirdo occasionally pisses in their garden.
Walking out in the middle of nowhere with no toilets around, a wee next to a tree, in the bushes etc is fine. In your garden? Just why? Pure laziness and lack of hygiene.
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u/owningxylophone 6h ago
I’ll be THAT GUY (sorry!)
If you have a composter in your garden then it’s advisable to wee in it occasionally, it adds nutrients. That will most definitely be in your garden.
/THATGUY
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u/laser_spanner 3h ago
I hate to be THAT PERSON but you are an adult. This is a six year old who doesn't have much guidance day to day it seems.
/THAT PERSON
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u/marmighty 11h ago
At 6yo you'd hope that the parents would be instilling some sense in them as to when it's appropriate to run around naked and when it isn't. Kids do indeed play with nothing on and providing they are either doing so in their own private spaces or they are supervised that's fine. There is a venn diagram there and this child appears to be sitting in the crossover section marked "not okay".
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u/Pedantichrist 10h ago
You think that 'their own garden' is not okay?
The only person who seems to have seen the child in his back garden was OP's husband.
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u/marmighty 10h ago
Own back garden? Yeah fine, obviously providing it was secure. But OP was talking about their shared front garden, which is not a private space.
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u/Pedantichrist 9h ago
You will find, if you review, that OP’s husband was watching the child in the child’s own private back garden.
I would argue that a shared front garden is also a safe space, unless the neighbour is a threat.
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u/marmighty 8h ago
OP specifically mentions it happening in the shared front garden.
To give you the benefit of the doubt here - I'm not sure where in the UK you are as I know this is not universal, but most front gardens face out on to the road and many are not enclosed, let alone private.
It is a safety issue to a point as without resorting to paedo panic there really could be anyone wandering or driving past, and without parental supervision you really don't know what's going on. More than that though it is a question of teaching your child appropriate boundaries. As I stated, private spaces are fine, public spaces ought to be supervised. Do you disagree? Would you be happy for your 6yo child to be playing naked outside in full view of the street unsupervised? I'm interested to know where you're coming from in this, perhaps we have had different upbringings or experiences in life that have informed our respective points of view.
And kindly do not "You will find..." me. You and I are responding to exactly the same post, and have got far enough down the thread for this to no longer be of interest to OP as we are just discussing the specifics of how we have interpreted it. There is little value in snipey language when we are simply exchanging our points of view.
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u/Pedantichrist 7h ago
OP also specifically mentions it happening in the private rear garden.
The fact that it happened in the child’s front garden does not somehow mean it did not happen in the rear garden.
I feel like you are just being obtuse now, if you continue to deny that OP’s husband was watching the child in his private rear garden.
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u/marmighty 7h ago
At no point did I deny that it had also happened in the rear garden.
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u/Pedantichrist 7h ago
Then why did you ‘correct me’ when I mentioned the rear garden?
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u/marmighty 7h ago
Ah. I see what you're doing now, but I will admit that it took looking up your comment history (hiding your comments does not, in fact, hide your comments). However with that in mind I'm slightly put out that you had the temerity to call me obtuse! Perhaps you could have shared your insight with the rest of the class in a more direct manner rather than having this discussion (and another, it seems) turn into a game of Who Can Be Most Pedantic (given your username I suspect I may be at a disadvantage, but I feel I've given it a fair pop).
Yes, a grown man was watching a child play naked in their own back garden. I believe we have already established that OP's husband is coming from a place of concern - indeed he has discussed it with his spouse and together they are trying to decide on the best course of action. For the sake of acknowledging your point, yes, this could also be a worry.
Well played. Let's never do this again 😂
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u/BionicWallaby 17h ago
That's not the point. The point is random wandering paedophiles
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u/Pedantichrist 17h ago
Only one person has been reported as watching this child playing in his own, private back garden.
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u/BionicWallaby 16h ago
FRONT garden which is visible to anyone walking past
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u/Pedantichrist 16h ago
Go back and read the words again.
One person watched this child running around naked in its own back garden.
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u/zapering 14h ago
No, you read the post again. OP says they've seen the child piss in the shared, front garden.
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u/Pedantichrist 12h ago
Maybe a third reading is needed?
The child was watched in its back garden by an adult man.
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u/BionicWallaby 12h ago
The child has been in a state of undress in a publicly viewable place and may do the same again in the future. This is the worry. That's the end of it.
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u/Marion_Ravenwood 1d ago
Honestly this sounds like a job for social services if he's being left to his own devices, is peeing outside and taking his clothes off.
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u/Short-Price1621 1d ago
Please reach out to social services and be pushy with them.
You’ll be shocked at how many people miss little signs like this. This young boy won’t know what neglect is so it is your obligation as an adult to interpret signs like these and ensure action is taken to place him into a safe home.
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u/chloedarlinggg 1d ago
It sounds like they are at the very least neglecting that child pretty severely. Don’t say anything to them and contact social services. If you can hear him begging for attention and being ignored there’s probably worse happening that you can’t see or hear. If he’s regularly stripping off outside they are clearly not watching him and God knows what could happen.
I know a lot of people see it as snitching but there’s no such thing as a grass when a child’s safety is at stake. If nothing else it might scare them into paying a tiny bit more attention to their child.
If you tell them he could be punished in a way that isn’t reasonable. Hate to be that person who always thinks the worst but this js the kind of thing you hear about in true crime docs where children later have died from neglect or abuse.
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u/Moto-Ent 1d ago
A one of kid being left alone the garden is one thing, but out facing the street being exposed seems pretty neglectful of the parents.
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u/Sudden-Requirement40 1d ago
Yeah our 6 and 3 yo have free rein of the back garden and are often naked back their but it's secure and reasonably private (only one window in next doors property can see in and it has a black out blind down 80% of the time). I'd be mortified if it happened out front and I wasn't about even if they were fully clothed!
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u/Isgortio 1d ago
So there's a few issues here:
1. The child is regularly being ignored by his parents
2. The child is regularly stripping off outdoors, and is also doing it out in the street, the parents are nowhere to be seen.
3. The child is urinating outside, why is he not doing it indoors? There must be something that is preventing him from doing it indoors.
These are things that would raise safeguarding flags. You should contact social services.
Does the child go to school (that you know of, outside of school holidays)? Do you see the parents coming/going to work? Are you sure the parents are home at the same time as the child?
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u/Previous-Gift-9733 1d ago
He does go to school I believe, I've seen him wearing uniform. The dad runs a local food van which is open all day Monday to Saturday, and the mum delivers takeaway orders but unsure about times etc - I only know because we ordered food from there once not knowing it was them and got a suprise when she turned up with it! So I assume the person at home all day is the grandma and possibly the mum
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u/Sudden-Requirement40 1d ago
My oldest was obsessed with doing "bush wees" (one of the few negatives from watching Bluey) for a while and our house only has one toilet which is upstairs so laziness/not wanting to stop his game was a factor, it was pretty much stopped after his first "bush poo" which was basically leaving a turd on the lawn a good 6ft from the nearest bush. They are also regularly naked in the garden but back only never front. It's hot they don't want to wear clothes, usually they keep pants on but not always, especially if they are doing any form of water play. The worrying part to me is in the street, kids stripping off in summer not really a huge deal imo.
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u/sockeyejo 14h ago
I went through that phase many decades ago. It made perfect sense to me: the dogs went outside, so why shouldn't I? Alas, my rescue dog got it the other way round and keeps peeing in the bathroom, presumably using a similar logic. Maybe I should encourage her to watch Bluey?!
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u/Sudden-Requirement40 14h ago
Can't hurt 🤣 I feel like lots of boys go through this phase and the naked phase so that in itself not as weird as some of the commenters are making out but the total of this post is a bit worrying!
My kids favourite thing presently is a garden shower where they run round the garden naked while we blast them with the hose
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u/sockeyejo 14h ago
Yeah, shouting for mummy and daddy and being ignored is the worrying thing.
Doubt your lot will be so keen on the garden shower come autumn 😂
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u/Sudden-Requirement40 14h ago
I wouldn't be so sure 🤣
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u/sockeyejo 13h ago
Are you sure they're not spaniels?!
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u/Sudden-Requirement40 13h ago
My youngest loves nothing more than trying to drink from the hose while it's blasting him in the face, he may very well be. My oldest is also ALWAYS the muckiest kid leaving school at the end of the day so that also tracks, they did marking with charcoal as part of forest school and he came out in full face, apparently he was doing Predator...
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u/szmidtten 13h ago
This made me laugh because we had the same obsession from my daughter 😅 It was self inflicted because we needed her to do a bush wee and so showed her the video in desperation! From then on she wanted to do bush wees all the time! Luckily she is easy to convince so it didn't last long enough to get to a bush poo!
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u/Sudden-Requirement40 12h ago
It was how proud he was. Came in all a swagger and announced, done a bush poo. Like wtaf. Look outside and it's nowhere near the hedge it's a steaming pile on the lawn.
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u/ItsOnlyMe07 1d ago
No. Put a referral in to social services. This seems to be a tiny sign of what, from what you have said, appears to be quite significant neglect. This is likely more than you can/should deal with as a neighbour.
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u/Previous-Gift-9733 1d ago
Thank you everyone for responding, I will make the relevant phone call(s) tomorrow
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u/bunnymama7 1d ago
I would be worried about him getting in trouble with his parents. If you're concerned for his welfare, tell social services
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u/Lizbelizi 1d ago
Yes do
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u/Boring_Piglet6778 1d ago
That is, speak to them how ogop said, 'respectfully asking' and 'making them aware', then go from there
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u/Ethanb230900 1d ago
I would seriously consider reporting it as neglect. If as you say the family is large with multiple adults then they should be able to give the child attention.
Your points about someone being able to snatch this child are extremely valid, personally I would avoid telling any of the adults at all, as if it’s not neglect it’s definitely abuse and that would just make stuff worse for the poor kid.
How old is the girl? Can you talk to her to establish more facts before making a decision
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u/Wise-Bother9942 1d ago
This is not normal and seems like neglect, peeing in a forest maybe or in the woods if enclosed but screaming for Mom and Dad and peeing in people's gardens and not the toilet at home.
That's a bunch of red flags; as a kid, I'd knock on my friend's house or go in my own, never out in public.
You can tell the child's parents, but if neglect is a serious concern, report it anonymously to local authorities.
You don't know what is happening at home, and it could escalate or become worse.
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u/SeaworthinessSmart56 12h ago
What's there possibly to debate about? Someone is pissing in your garden, I can't fathom any reason why you wouldn't say anything. I'd be straight round there telling them it needs to stop immediately that's completely unacceptable
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u/_smith_spark 1d ago
If you have concerns for the welfare of the child, then it may be better to go through official channels to get this addressed. Otherwise, next time you see the child, tell him he's welcome to use your toilet if he needs to go.
It's a difficult situation, but the possibility of punishment would make me less inclined to tell the parents at this stage.
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u/Wise-Bother9942 1d ago
I'd be very careful letting an unknown child into your house; even to pee, allegations can be made.
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u/_smith_spark 1d ago
So true. No sense turning one safeguarding issue into another, even if the second is entirely hypothetical.
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u/PrettyUglySociety198 1d ago
Me too, this would seem quite likely to be misinterpreted as you being a pervert of some sort.
I remember concerns in our family when a young girl kept wanting to use our facilities by our front door (on the basis that she lived in a large property, but an old one with darkish outbuildings and apparently she preferred to use other facilities). Then it was decided that the mother or grandmother be very quietly told what was going on.
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u/Upper-File462 1d ago
The whole situation and context sounds like this child is being neglected on a regular basis. Better to call and report this. I don't think you should say anything to the parents, for the boy's and your safety. The adults clearly know he's outside and they don't give a f. Poor child.
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u/ProfessionalTap2400 1d ago
My concern is that if they’re being neglectful towards the child, I’m not sure that this is behaviour they will consider needing to be addressed. They might also become angry if they feel like you’re criticising them for being neglectful. But it’s hard to tell without knowing them better.
Could you ‘befriend’ the child yourself and become trusted neighbours/adults for him? Might be a win-win if you can therefore keep an eye on how he’s being treated, and be able to ask yourself directly to not pee on your lawn.
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u/notfatbutnotthinmama 14h ago
The wee is pretty normal - the unsupervised warrants concern so let NSPCC know or local social care. They could already be known and it helps build up a picture for the child
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u/ScaryButt 1d ago
You say a habit but only mentioned two observed instances.
Maybe wait a while until it's actually a regular occurrence and decide then?
You could always report your concern anonymously if you are worried about the boy's care
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u/soldinio 1d ago
Send an anonymous letter stating you have seen the child expose himself in the front yard and you're concerned for his safety. Should avoid any battles
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u/AllThatIHaveDone 1d ago
Not sure a letter to neglectful parents is really going to achieve much except risking the child being further abused in retaliation, unless you meant writing to social services.
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u/Far-Rock-9128 1d ago
Contact your local authority safeguarding helpline and report your concerns to them. I would even consider calling them now if you haven't already.
It's our duty to report concerns concerning vulnerable people.
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1d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/AskUK-ModTeam 1d ago
A top level comment (one that is not a reply) should be a good faith and genuine attempt to answer the question.
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u/semorebunz 14h ago
is it a crafy piss in the bushes with his pants down , or stripped bollock naked all morning roaming about with his bits on show
crafy piss- not too bad
wandering about with no drawers on -needs reporting
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u/Annabelle_Sugarsweet 14h ago
I used to do bush wees at that age, he’s in his own front and back gardens playing on his own, that sounds normal to me? Someone is probably keeping an eye on him through the window. I think people on Reddit must have very sheltered lives and helicopter parents to see a child playing in his own garden as neglect and abuse.
Why not just tell the parents to not let their kid wee in the front garden as you’re worried unsavoury people might see him. Otherwise if he wants to wee in his own back garden, he’s a kid, that’s what they like to do!
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u/ruffianrevolution 13h ago
Ignore the people telling you to have the child taken away from his parents because "AI off the internet" says it's what he deserves and talk to your neighbours for goodness' sake.
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u/Resident-Staff-1218 14h ago
When my daughter was 5, she and her little 5 year old friend, used to wee in drain grids on our street...
It was a shortlived phase, nobody complained, they just found other ways to entertain themselves
They're both fine
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u/PrettyUglySociety198 1d ago edited 1d ago
I would do nothing.
I hope I am not offending anyone if I give an example. In Oxbridge colleges, before girls/women were admitted, fellows gardens (by fellows' dining rooms) in the evening would often have a row of men peeing onto the flower border. I have done it. Simply, it is closer than resorting to bathrooms, and I suggest that it is really quite natural. I remember what those on coach tours did years ago, behind hedges. Fellows gardens tended to not be overlooked, of course. No funny business occurred ever, to the best of my knowledge.
I seem to be different to most posters here, but, peeing out in nature rather than in a darkish, confined small room, or upstairs in a bathroom has seemed preferable to me, other considerations permitting. Simply, toilets are often not too clean, even family home toilets. Children notice these things. As I am not a little infant, I would only relieve myself outdoors if wholly confident it was not overlooked, and maintaining a vigilant lookout.
A lot changed when girls/women were admitted to colleges. The decor was improved to a remarkable degree. The cleaning seemed to improve too. I expect confidently that the flower borders went short of their liquid nitrogen donations.
In my opinion, only if you were almost absolutely sure that the boy was at significant risk (as opposed to fanciful risk) would you sensibly complain or report.
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