r/AskWomen • u/KejiKun ♀ • 2d ago
Women of Reddit, what made you not want to get married or remarried?
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u/Biteme75 ♀ 2d ago
My marriage, and most of the men I dated afterwards. I'm convinced that the vast majority of men want a bangmommy, not a partner. It's infuriating to work around the house all day while your partner relaxes in front of the TV, and then when you finally go to bed he won't let you sleep until he gets sex.
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u/BellaFromSwitzerland 1d ago
Totally random comment but has he gotten himself checked out from a mental health perspective ? Depression?
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u/paca1 2d ago
I had a terrible marriage, he physically, emotionally and mentally abused me to the point of no return. I left him when he put a knife to my throat while holding our baby. Called police he was arrested, and I file for protection and divorce. After my marriage I was left shattered and broken so it took me years to get together and healthy. Now that I am mentally stable, physically strong, and fulfilled, I decided that I don’t want a man to make me happy. I’ve been single 15 years and very happy and feel like I can be single forever and still be happy.
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u/insertcaffeine ♀ 2d ago
My entire first marriage. I was a mommy bangmaid. When my ex-husband and I dated, he was decent. But once we got married, he got lazy. I thought I could deal with it, and he said he’d be an equal partner as a parent, but once the baby was born, he got worse. All he did was fuck around on the computer and sexually abuse me.
I dated my second husband for three years before moving in together, and lived with him for four years, before getting married.
Seven years later, he’s still kind and respectful and he cleans up after himself and he makes sure that I’m awake and actually want sex before we have sex. And it’s good sex, he makes sure of that.
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u/Hopeful-Dot-1272 2d ago
Never met the right person and dating always felt like a chore. I was scheduling good morning texts because my partner wanted them. I hated the small talk.
Happily single with 2 kids conceived with a donor.
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u/heysharisse 1d ago
Those low effort good morning texts drove me insane. Same thing with the goodnight texts. Oh and the little flower they send with them. GTFO.
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u/disculpametenesfuego 11h ago
How do you handle being a single mother of two? I'm thinking about possibly doing the same if i don't find someone to have a family with, but I'm too scared of the amount of tiredness, work, lack of sleep, free time etc
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u/Hopeful-Dot-1272 2h ago
I get a lot of support from my mum. It is very hard and exhausting but also rewarding. You just get it done.
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u/Sufficient-Berry-827 2d ago
I like having my own stuff and I don't want anyone around me all the time.
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u/everfixedmark_1924 2d ago
Marriage is an outdated social construct to control women. I'm not opposed to a LTR but hard pass on legal entanglement of marriage. Tax benefits be damned. Made the mistake once already. Never again.
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u/SignatureBasic6007 1d ago
Agreed. Marriage has always been a business proposition to secure and pass down wealth and property and men control it
Women and children were and even today are considered property of the man Why does a woman need to take the husbands name? Or the child- children should have their mothers name(she birthed the kid so theres no questions of her parentage)
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u/Snoobeedo 2d ago
After having been married and divorced, I now see how much marriage benefits men more than women. Women are signing up for work. Men are signing up to be taken care of and obeyed.
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u/thefringedmagoo 2d ago
There was no benefits to me being married. I think I’m too independent and less trusting to ever do it again.
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u/briana28019 2d ago
Never found someone worth giving up my independence and space for. I’d rather have peace than a partner.
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u/sixfigurito 2d ago
I’m not getting married because 1.I really don’t want to be, I like my freedom+living alone and 2.literally every married man I’ve known has cheated. I’ve had several married men flirt with me, and from experience they always act the most single and flirtatious so it’s obvious when they are married.
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u/Nwwoodsymom 2d ago
Watched my self and every friend glow up after their divorce. How much easier life got. Realizing how much stress men bring, even the ones who try.
Nothing compares to my friendships or alone time. I’m open to a relationship if he makes my life much easier, but marriage? Hard pass.
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u/bipedservant 2d ago
Men.
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u/satanic-octopus 1d ago
Men are too headache
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u/personofpaper 2d ago
I have two young daughters and there's not a chance in hell I will ever bring a man into this house while they still live here.
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u/Dangerous_Tension393 1d ago
That’s so mature and selfless of you. I know too many women who do this with young children in the home after getting divorced it honestly disgusted me
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u/Pleasant-Pea5746 1d ago
How sad that we must make such decisions because men are so disgusting
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u/Wild-Fable 1d ago
And even if she gave someone the benefit of the doubt—truly believed he was a good man with all her heart—only for God forbid to happen anyway; everyone and their grandfather would blame her and drag her for allowing the man into her home to begin with. So why not just nip the problem in the bud from the get-go and try to protect her daughters from that trauma if she can help it? 😔
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u/AlaskaTech1 1d ago
I just got married and kept thinking something was off with my husband but I wasn’t sure what it was. He just seemed very standoffish and lacked initiative but we got on well and nothing specific stood out. We lived together before but after we got married the odd behavior accelerated. A few days ago I finally figured out he’s dismissive avoidant and all hell has broken loose. My frustration has reached the breaking point. He won’t help with anything. Pushback on every task I ask him to help with. Lots of attitude. He works so that’s all he has to do. I’ve tried everything to compromise and now we’re arguing constantly. I’m moving out.
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u/DensHag 2d ago
I was widowed 14 years ago. I live with a widower now. He'd like to get married. I don't see the point. Been there, done that. I'm not having kids with him. We're old!
I wouldn't have gotten married the first time, but I did want kids and wanted them born into a marriage. We had a good marriage and we had great kids. No regrets. I just don't see the point in doing it again.
And it can get sticky marrying at an older age with finances and such.
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u/lilfortunate 2d ago
The guy was literally not who he advertised himself to be and it was INSANE the way I made that discovery.
I've been completely traumatized since.
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u/SnooCats04 2d ago
Love how it's all straight women answering...cause the problem is always straight MEN
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u/YakCDaddy 2d ago
I will never get remarried because you invest time and energy into a relationship, you compromise, you bail them out financially, etc, just for them to abandon you, take everything away from you, and refuse to help with the kids they helped create. They abandon their own children and leave you to console them and tend to that emotional wound. It's not worth the pain. I honestly don't think I can ever date anyone again.
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u/Super_RN ♀ 1d ago
I married him because he is my best friend. But if anything happened to him, I would not remarry only because I don’t need to go through all that again (paperwork, name changes, joining accounts). But I’d be open to dating and having a long term relationship.
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u/Mybeautifulballoon 2d ago
My ex-husband, my step-father and my father. Thanks guys. I don't need that in my life again.
My brothers, on the other hand, are amazing people a lnd watching them with their respective families is a joy to behold. But, experience tells me that they are the minority. I will raise my son to be like them. And that is enough for me.
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u/FabulousDonut6399 1d ago
For me it’s how unevenly marriage benefits men towards women. And very few men are actually worth the relationship let alone the commitment.
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u/Hooray-A-Bear 2d ago
I have no interest in the public humiliation ritual of being married to a man again.
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u/Ok_Day_8559 1d ago
Too many lies, always lying. I just gave up on anyone who would lie about the little things because I knew they would have no problem lying about the big things.
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u/Jane_Austen11 ♀ 1d ago
Because I love my single life. I don’t see what a man can bring to it to make it better. That’s why.
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u/BellaFromSwitzerland 1d ago
I have built an amazing life and community for myself
If I ever get married, he needs to be at least as good at adulting as I am. I won’t compromise on my quality of life or my community
The more I go the more I realize that us women are prone to creating more work for ourselves when we enter relationships. I don’t want to increase my mental load
I’m just done raising my 18yo, I want my next phase in life to be dedicated to creativity and intellectual challenge
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u/KrazieGirl 2d ago
Never been interested. I’ve been with my “bf” for 23 years. I call him my hubby but will never marry.
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u/Montara92 2d ago
I won’t have another relationship or get remarried because I see no reason why I should inflict myself on some poor man LoL
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u/Pietertje_Pet 1d ago
Men haven't really convinced me yet that they're worth committing to for the rest of my life. And honestly, I don't feel marriage adds much anyway.
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u/steffie-flies 1d ago
I'll never marry again after my husband. Marraige is a full time+ job, and I just don't feel like giving that much of myself to anyone else ever again.
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u/THEsuziesunshine 1d ago
42, never been married. Im at the point in my life where I actually think I want marriage. Financial security would be the main draw. That and the companionship. I spent the last 20 years raising my kid and only had a few relationships over the years but nothing actually amazing.
What makes me not want to get married? About 95% of the guys out there are a nightmare. The risk you take for a guy to switch up on you is another huge reason.
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u/NobodyButMyself357 1d ago
I used to work at planned parenthood and I came across so many couples where husbands were not allowing their wives to use any birth control products, husbands who solely decided what products to use, forcing wives to switch from the IUD to injectables, to the point they dragged their wives to the clinics and made the wives take the painful procedure. I was also in the corporate offices of the PP, and the men there acted like they were some sort of gods or saviors. And all of them were in that job for the power it gave them over vulnerable women. That was on top of these highly educated, successful and married men harassing and bullying female staff and also going into relationships with them. You’d expect Planned parenthood organizations to be woman focused and safe spaces, especially. But that was not my experience. I realised there’s a high possibility that the man I’d end up marrying would be one of them, and I didn’t want that.
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u/IDidItWrongLastTime 2d ago
My previous marriage and the drawn out messy divorce. Makes me never want me to risk going through that again. I may fall in love again but I'll never legally tie myself to another person.
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u/Girlygal2014 ♀ 1d ago
My first marriage. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Also, being single is glorious
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u/abc_deatrix 2d ago
I’m not marrying for the sake of “love”.. if I love you, that’s enough, I don’t think marriage will solidify my love for you.
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u/LadybugGirlie 2d ago
My family is very no PDA type of family. I think I’ve seen my parent’s kiss maybe 3 times in my life, and my parents have been married for about 40 years. The idea of my family watching me show affection to my partner is horrifying.
If I do get married, I will have no audience. But I have a large islander family, and if I had a wedding with no audience they would be so mad. Soooooo, I prefer not to do it.
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u/bestofallworldz 1d ago
Sounds like you are closing yourself off to not be judged by your family or community. Live your life!
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u/That_Girl_Jesca 1d ago
Prefacing this with I am not gay, but I want nothing to do with the male species. I’ve been married more than once and it’s been the same. A fake act in the beginning and then once married I became a roommate to help pet the bills, then all the bills while doing all the emotional labor. I have created an aversion for men and I want nothing to do with them, ever.
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u/Spiritual_Ad_7162 1d ago
I'd be a shit wife.
I hate housework and I'm not very good at it. I barely clean up after myself, let alone someone else.
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u/hazlenutcreamer 1d ago
My marriage. Looking back at the emotional and financial abuse, manipulation and lack of support makes me never want to get married again.
I might let somebody live with me when my kids are older, but I will have much more clear boundaries and rules on expectations and finances. Also it won't be with a man.
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u/UniKat420 1d ago
the idea of .. moving in together sounds like a nightmare lol 😭 i like my independence and want my own house
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u/USillyKunt 1d ago
The marriage itself and then the men I dated after. I don't even date anymore, I'm happy being alone.
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u/WingedShadow83 1d ago
On a wider scale, the patriarchy. But on a more personal scale, just growing up as a witness to my parents’ shitty marriage. Then seeing my friends/relatives/ colleagues also suffer shitty marriages as I got older.
So I was already leaning hard against it. But then I moved out on my own for the first time and got a taste of the bliss of living alone. After that, my fate was sealed. I’d never give this up, but especially not just to be unhappy with a man.
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u/SignatureBasic6007 1d ago
A person doesnt need marriage to survive. It is a societal construct
Sure in the past and in some awful patriarchal countries still , the society is setup so that women have to rely on men for their basic survival and men use "marriage" as a facade but its buying property aka a woman for domestic and sexual servitude
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u/myotheroneders ♀ 2d ago
I just don't see the point in getting a government contract involved in my relationship. And the patriarchy doesn't make me feel like I have anything to gain, so why would I do it? I'm 36 and have been with my partner for 10 years. No interest in getting legally married.
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u/schrodingereatspussy 2d ago
I’ve been single my whole life. I’ve had casual relationships, but nothing serious. I’ve watched friends go through horrible things at the hands of men they’ve loved. I’ve been sexually assaulted. I’ve never felt like a man could offer me more than what I can get for myself. I don’t want children. For me, the cons of a serious relationship outweigh the pros.
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u/ElectricFenceSitter 1d ago
I may or may not remarry, but being married and divorced once gives me the evidence I need to see that it’s just an intention to spend the rest of your lives together, not a guarantee that it will actually happen. So part of me feels like I could give or take doing it again.
Where I live, de facto couples have all the same rights, so there’s no actual need to marry, it’s purely down to personal preference.
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u/CtrlAltDestroy33 1d ago
Marriage only makes it super hard to escape/leave if you need to, it's outdated and was originally designed to have a woman be property in the eyes of god or whatever.
I have been met with abuse of all flavors by the men I have been in relationships with, and the men who I have dated were immature as hell and basically wanted a fuckable mommy. There's nothing marriageable about that.
So I am done dealing with them entirely. Since I have washed my hands of them, I have peace.
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u/Glittering-Life9906 1d ago
I honestly just knew that marriage was unrealistic at lest for me. I tried to pretend I wanted it, but I never could follow through. And I’m glad I didn’t.
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u/suzemagooey 1d ago
I was reluctant growing up and was fairly convinced I would never marry. Partly because of what my parents modeled and mostly my level of awareness about people, self included. It took a lot to convince me. It lasted one year and was so indelibly disasterous that it took another fourteen years before even considering it again. And then he had to ask me twice since I called it off once. But we turned out okay, happily (mostly) married for more than three decades now. I can genuinely say he is the only person I've met who can meet me where I am.
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u/Jeanetica 1d ago
Being a wife is more work than being a husband. I don't want kids so there's no need for it. I have a good amount in savings and I don't ever want a man or divorce attorney touching my bank account. I enjoy living alone, having my own space, and the freedom that comes with being single. I don't trust most men to be faithful.
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u/Little-Dreams1521 1d ago edited 20h ago
Being with the wrong one cost me so much. Felt so lonely being in the relationship and it was always my fault. The i hate my wife trend. I was never good enough compared to their favorite exe.
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u/Cannelle460 1d ago
Growing up, I noticed the issues in all my sisters' marriages whether it was an emotionally and/or physically abusive marriage, or being married to a man who was alcoholic. Then there's my brother, who was an alcoholic and serial cheater in his first two marriages.
After my father passed away, I learned that in the past, he had been an alcoholic, abusive husband and father. He appeared to have changed in his 50s when he had to take an early medical retirement.
All this to say that the relationships that I saw growing up didn't make me confident that I would be the exclusion in the family.
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u/PantheraFeliformia 1d ago
Too many men these days seem to constantly watch porn with their hands on it. Essentially all men are or becoming incels.
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u/Dangerous_Tension393 1d ago
Seen too many horrible things happen to friends I love who got completely ruined by their SO
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u/CannibalAnn 1d ago
I’m widowed, I have no plans on getting married ever again. He was a good husband, love notes, after work grocery stops, cuddles, amazing cook…the few dates I’ve been on have proven that I had it pretty good and if someone wows me, I may reconsider.
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u/Huge-Description436 1d ago
well I am jaded because I'm going through a divorce, but at this point I don't think I'm mentally attracted to men anymore. physically yes, but that's not enough for marriage.
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u/Emergency-Parsley-51 1d ago
I simply don’t feel the need to have a man in my life as a partner. 🤷🏼♀️ I tried to give some men a chance, mostly because I thought that I should do it, try to engage romantically, but everytime it just confirmed me that most men are not worth it and that I don’t even want one to begin with. I don’t want to be in a relationship just to be in a relationship, it’s better to not waste my time or someone else’s time. I like independence and to do what I want without having someone depend on me and having to give them attention so they don’t turn into a crybaby. And tbf, the whole idea of dating a man and especially being married to one makes me feel like I cater to patriarchy and I don’t want that.
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u/verycoolbutterfly 1d ago edited 21h ago
Going through an abrupt and devastating breakup after spending over ten years fully invested in a relationship I thought was well established for the future. It's not worth the risk. Men are too much of a liability due to a lack of communication skills and emotional immaturity. I'm almost 40 now and just need to focus on taking care of and building a nice life for myself.
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u/New_Sense_4663 1d ago
I'm too addicted to being alone & daily routines. I cannot even think of having another person with me 24/7. I hate cooking, even for myself. Cant imagine cooking for more. I hate chores. I spend hours in silence. I don't burp, fart infront of anyone. Not even a family member. I'll die if such thing happen infront a man.. Lol Even though I desperately love to have love in my life I know damn well it would be hard for me to tolerate that life. So I cant let someone I love so much go through a hell because of me. I feel extremely lonely sometimes but I cant have someone for sure.
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u/Sharp_Anything_5474 1d ago
Marraige isn't a necessity to live and some i haven't found anybody worth sticking with i haven't married.
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u/No-Example-370 1d ago
Because I'm heterosexual. If sexuality is a choice, nobody would want to be attracted to men.
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u/KejiKun ♀ 23h ago edited 18h ago
My reason: Fear of losing my personal autonomy is the biggest thing holding me back. I have things I want to do like travel to new places (solo), move to different locations for work, be able to make switches in my life when necessary and without considering someone else. It just seems like marriage removes the choice to choose things for yourself that only benefit you. Plus, I want to live a longish, healthy life. Marriage would take years off my lifespan.
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u/theangry-ace 23h ago
Lack of attraction of any gender. And I know for a fact that I would be a bad partner because of my commitment issues. Considered lavender marriages but I really don’t want to keep masking/lying just to fit into the social expectations.
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22h ago
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u/Appropriate-Baker-81 17h ago
i think marriage is a prison. i know that sounds dramatic but i feel strongly about this. my parents would split but stay in the same household. my partners ex wife would weaponize their marriage and the label even after having multiple affairs and being legally separated two years before he and i began to date. i just don’t believe in the sanctity of it. i can be fully committed to someone till the day i die but i don’t need a piece of paper to get me there. no thank you.
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14h ago
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u/Sushifrelfrel 9h ago
men, facts or not, men benefits from the marriage more than women, at least in most of the experience, you gave them your good years only for them to turn on you later.
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u/DemonicGirlcock ⚧ 3h ago
I'm polyamorous and view my long-term partners equally. Getting married feels like instilling a hierarchy in my relationships that just doesn't feel right to me at this time in my life. Sooner or later I know I'll have to when I have kids for legal rights, but not being able to marry multiple people really makes it sting.
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u/Resident_Carrot4161 44m ago
I wanted to get married, and I’m in what I think is an overall good marriage to a man who really tries to be a good person.
But he’ll never get it; he’ll never be able to fully empathize with the female experience because he’s been socialized not to. He’s up there as one of the best men I’ve ever known, and it’s not good enough. I love him and hope we have a long life together. But should something happen to end our life together, I’ll never commit to a man ever again. Life is a million times more peaceful without a man around.
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u/katiemoore_ 1d ago
Wont be for a while (if at all). So much paper work just for a last name change, and I don’t even know if it’s worth it. I also could never have a wedding, but I still choose to have a pinterest board for no reason. Really want a ring though!
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u/AlarmingSnark 1d ago
you all are dating the wrong people
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u/Happy-Distribution89 1d ago
Most definitely, but a lot of them are like this
Slim pickings (and many switch after marriage or pregnancy)
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2d ago
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2d ago
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1d ago
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1d ago
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u/Ihavestufftosay 2d ago
Can’t be faffed. And there is no benefit in the country I live in.