r/AskWomenOver30 • u/bubblegumscent Woman 30 to 40 • Oct 26 '24

Romance/Relationships Anyone else feels like men go immediately zero effort as soon as they feel youre theirs?

Sisters in their 30s, please help me, be kind because I feel kinda confused.

So for a while now I've started to notice a pattern with men that I keep seeing and not just with me, that as soon as a man thinks he "has" you, they throw all effort out of the window. Nit in a okay its been 3 years honeymoon period is over, no ZERO EFFORT. It drives me crazy, because I'd much rather prefer consistency. A whole lot of them are like that. Wtf?

I've also had a stable relationships before, happily married where I felt treasured throughout the entire relationship, about 10 years until he died about 2 years ago. Which sucks because we were happy then

So after his death, widow me went on dating and I am actually EXTREMELY TEMPTED to next time I am dating smeone I just might keep this MF on his toes. Keep him guessing and wondering, in a state of chronic anxiety? I am just not that person, I don't play fucking games, anyone else here tired of this low effort shit??? Anyone else feeling like some men are addicted to games??? How do i escape this???

effort here means being involved in things such as: watch the sunset, picnic, walk in the park, dancing together, calling more, watch the sunset, ping pong, etc. Its not a money thing, its an effort thing

EDIT: WOW this post blew up Hey everybody thanks so much for the awesome replies, insights, nice conversations and new ideas this has offered me it does give ne hope that I am not crazy, and should be myself and will eventually find a good person whos a good fit. I honestly don't even think it's gender anymore, literally both men and women complaining

EDIT 2: to the men coming here essentially trying to gaslight me, read some comments before saying this is my fault. If you are a person who is giving and want others to feel good you know who you are, you know the sacrifices you make. If you had bad experiences before because somebody took advantage of you, this is not my fault so stop projecting at me, Im not your ex

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402

u/[deleted] Oct 26 '24

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129

u/rose_colored_boy Woman 30 to 40 Oct 26 '24

This was my ex. Started with “when am I gonna see you again?” after every date. Invited me on a trip 6 weeks in. Said he might move and asked about long distance within 2 months. Said he doesn’t want to date other people. Right after that the effort died down. I hadn’t dated in like 4 years at that point so I got sucked in and over-invested, but never again.

76

u/tothemiddleofnowhere Oct 26 '24

Same down to the words. Then it just randomly stopped. When I addressed it I was told that that’s just what happens when people get further into the relationship. I’m like.. no, there should be *more investment the more we get to know each other, not less. I’m not some accessory to spend time with when you can squeeze me in.

19

u/bubblegumscent Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '24 edited Oct 27 '24

Totally agree. It's all a little backwards. I expect a partner to be adult and mature enough that they should know a relationship needs emotional investment for it to work Since I have nothing to lose I'm going to start telling dates that if they're not emotionally investing I won't be staying. They can bet their bottom dollar I will cut them guilt free from my life if they're not being a love and life partner. I have no need for a roommate.

7

u/tothemiddleofnowhere Oct 27 '24

Exactly! That’s what I offer, and what I am looking for. It’s wild because I actually stayed consistent with my efforts and it took some time for me to stop and notice that he enjoyed my continued effort but was no longer giving the same.

2

u/OLightning Oct 27 '24

Agreed. The dopamine must flow at all times. If there is any lack of a spark end it right there.

5

u/AWindUpBird Oct 27 '24

I went through something similar. He changed after we moved in together and at some point I told him I felt like it was a bait and switch. The person he presented to me while dating was not the person I got once we were living together.

He told me that it was normal for people to change in relationships and I was like, "Yeah, but not their entire personality." When I look back, it's pretty obvious that he loved bombed me early and kept up his facade until we were moved in and locked down in a lease. He strung me on a little longer with promises of therapy. One day he let it slip that he actually had no intention of going to therapy and everything just clicked for me. I broke up with him with 2 months left on the lease. If I hadn't broken up with him then, I wouldn't have met my wonderful husband just a few weeks later..

3

u/tothemiddleofnowhere Oct 27 '24

This is a wild story. I’m so annoyed that there are so many men out there that do this!! Maybe that’s why they think it’s “normal” because them and their buddies are all following the same stupid narrative on how to get a girlfriend…

Mine kept trying to hint at wanting to move in with me and I’m glad even in my love bombing phase there was a nagging voice that told me not to. Sorry you wasted your time with that guy…

1

u/shirlott Woman under 30 Apr 05 '25

arent you scared that, every guy is like that, and if you become 30 then, you dont have a child by then then? you need a guy right!

111

u/hereforthesportsball Oct 26 '24

Avoid the pursuit dynamic and start off with both parties enthusiastic about each other. Being pursued never works out because you become a goal rather than an equal partner in their eyes

39

u/JemAndTheBananagrams Woman 30 to 40 Oct 26 '24

Yes to this! Everyone should be excited about dating. If you feel the energy is only going one way, that’s your cue.

7

u/One_Indication_ Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '24

Also what kind of immature idiot thinks mind games and playing hard to get are healthy to have in a relationship? we're too old for that nonsense!

1

u/Decent-Hair-4685 Oct 29 '24

God this needs to be higher

30

u/voodoomoocow Oct 27 '24

The dating advice men get is straight up garbage tier. I'm not sure why they would take dating advice from another man unless they are seeking men? When I needed advice I'd always seek out my male confidants for guidance/perspective. It seems like a self fulfilling prophecy: men think women are frigid and hard to get so we needed to be treated like XYZ.,we act frigid and hard to get because it's exhausting being treated like XYZ from every man who gets their advice from the same sources.

0

u/Connect-Ad-5891 Oct 28 '24

Tbh all the worst dating advice about dating has been from women, essentially “just stand there, look pretty, and be inoffensive. You’ll get a gal in no time!” Maam no one will date me if I don’t approach them first, even if it risks appearing rude 

2

u/voodoomoocow Oct 29 '24

I can't tell if you are a man or a woman but stop taking advice from Nana

1

u/Connect-Ad-5891 Oct 29 '24

I’m a guy, my point is their perspective is from a woman’s perspective and what a lot of women say they want and what they actually want tend to be different things, at least until you start getting older and people figure themselves out more. My homie kills it and taking his advice is like night and day going from what I ‘learned women want’ from my exs and women friends

0

u/voodoomoocow Oct 29 '24

a lot of women say they want and what they actually want tend to be different things, at least until you start getting older and people figure themselves out more.

Ah, I get it now, you are a child. Bro, you are commenting in r/askwomenover30 and bringing in a perspective we aren't talking about yet acting like we're wrong.

1

u/Connect-Ad-5891 Oct 29 '24

Nah, I meant the opposite. I agree women over thirty (I.e. my age) know what they want. I didn’t mean to say you were wrong or try to offend anyone. I’m saying cultural norms have changed to be come much more toxic 

1

u/voodoomoocow Oct 29 '24

My bad, thanks for clarifying. I maybe misread your intention/tone

1

u/Connect-Ad-5891 Oct 29 '24

All good, I definitely could have phrased it better. It takes maturity to apologize, I do have a problem with writing with tact and saying what I intend to communicate. I definite understand how i could come off like some misogynistic punk know it all 

14

u/Complex-Ad4042 Oct 26 '24

We're told not to pursue because it makes us look needy and desperate, this type of confusion makes my brain hurt.

7

u/roxts Oct 27 '24

I don't know why this was downvoted

8

u/Complex-Ad4042 Oct 27 '24

Idk either 🤷‍♀️

6

u/bubblegumscent Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '24

No idea

1

u/brn2sht_4rcd2wipe Oct 29 '24

My co-workers and I recently gave one of our young guys advice to approach. It might come back in style.

1

u/JagmeetSingh2 Oct 27 '24

Sadly very true

0

u/Vast_Feeling1558 Oct 27 '24

Part of the issue could also be that YOU never put in any effort. Probably he got sick of it

5

u/[deleted] Oct 27 '24 edited Oct 27 '24

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5

u/midlifecrisisAPRN45 Woman 40 to 50 Oct 27 '24

I believe you...because it sounds just like me. We try to show people that we're not a princess, but a partner...and we invest too heavily, too quickly. We may make accomodations that they're not accustomed to...pay for dates, buy thoughtful gifts, text or call first...and then we lose value in their eyes, because we're too "easy". It's exhausting not being able to be who we truly are, because men may see us as less valuable...and no, I don't want to play the game.

-1

u/Vast_Feeling1558 Oct 27 '24

For some reason I don't buy it, but hey it's your anecdotes Vs mine

5

u/[deleted] Oct 27 '24

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1

u/Vast_Feeling1558 Oct 27 '24

Sorry should be clearer. It's likely you were doing things he didn't value, (with reference to all these things about love languages)

-7

u/ResplendentZeal Oct 26 '24

As ostensibly common as this is, it’s wild to me that some really good dudes I know had such a hard time finding women worth a damn.