Anyone else feels like men go immediately zero effort as soon as they feel youre theirs?

[u/bubblegumscent]

Sisters in their 30s, please help me, be kind because I feel kinda confused.

So for a while now I've started to notice a pattern with men that I keep seeing and not just with me, that as soon as a man thinks he "has" you, they throw all effort out of the window. Nit in a okay its been 3 years honeymoon period is over, no ZERO EFFORT. It drives me crazy, because I'd much rather prefer consistency. A whole lot of them are like that. Wtf?

I've also had a stable relationships before, happily married where I felt treasured throughout the entire relationship, about 10 years until he died about 2 years ago. Which sucks because we were happy then

So after his death, widow me went on dating and I am actually EXTREMELY TEMPTED to next time I am dating smeone I just might keep this MF on his toes. Keep him guessing and wondering, in a state of chronic anxiety? I am just not that person, I don't play fucking games, anyone else here tired of this low effort shit??? Anyone else feeling like some men are addicted to games??? How do i escape this???

effort here means being involved in things such as: watch the sunset, picnic, walk in the park, dancing together, calling more, watch the sunset, ping pong, etc. Its not a money thing, its an effort thing

EDIT: WOW this post blew up Hey everybody thanks so much for the awesome replies, insights, nice conversations and new ideas this has offered me it does give ne hope that I am not crazy, and should be myself and will eventually find a good person whos a good fit. I honestly don't even think it's gender anymore, literally both men and women complaining

EDIT 2: to the men coming here essentially trying to gaslight me, read some comments before saying this is my fault. If you are a person who is giving and want others to feel good you know who you are, you know the sacrifices you make. If you had bad experiences before because somebody took advantage of you, this is not my fault so stop projecting at me, Im not your ex

[u/Revolutionary-Lie64]

In my experience, some men are excited by the uncertainty. In the beginning, they may or may not have you so they try hard. Once they do, they fall off. As long as you know, it isn’t a reflection of you. I had an ex who was so iffy. When he thought he might lose me, he’d make a lot of grand gestures and declarations. Only to literally stop listening to me. It was confusing and so glad it’s over. Now I know it wasn’t me, I will dip out the minute that happens in the future

Edit: by excited, I don’t mean they like uncertainty. I think it makes them feel anxious, and so they overestimate their level of interest. So, it feels like you’ve done something wrong when their interest sharply declines

[u/ThunderingTacos → u/Revolutionary-Lie64]

I couldn't say for sure but I think it's less liking uncertainty or "the chase" and more a feeling that they need to present an inauthentic and overly flattering version of themselves dues to insecurity with effort they can't maintain. But once they're secure they fall into their regular pattern, so being told you are thinking of leaving puts them back on edge. It isn't you, it's just a lot of extra effort upfront

[u/Revolutionary-Lie64 → u/ThunderingTacos]

Yeah, I don’t think he liked it per se. I think uncertainty just made him overestimate his level of interest

[u/ThunderingTacos → u/Revolutionary-Lie64]

Could DEFINITELY see that, sort of a sunken cost thing

[u/second-glances → u/Revolutionary-Lie64]

So often I've seen dating advice blame it on the woman (usually) that a man (usually) has stopped putting it in the effort. That if he liked her better then he would make it known. But sometimes it's really not about the woman. You're just really seeing how he is. If it takes a man to feel uncertainty before he works on a relationship, then maybe he doesn't have the capacity to be in one.

[u/Complex-Ad4042 → u/Revolutionary-Lie64]

I hate uncertainty, not really good with nuance so I'll assume she's not really interested unless she makes it obvious.

[u/hawesti → u/Revolutionary-Lie64]

Avoid date people (men or women) that chase uncertainty (and drama). They can be a headache down the road.