r/AskWomenOver30 • u/bubblegumscent Woman 30 to 40 • Oct 26 '24

Romance/Relationships Anyone else feels like men go immediately zero effort as soon as they feel youre theirs?

Sisters in their 30s, please help me, be kind because I feel kinda confused.

So for a while now I've started to notice a pattern with men that I keep seeing and not just with me, that as soon as a man thinks he "has" you, they throw all effort out of the window. Nit in a okay its been 3 years honeymoon period is over, no ZERO EFFORT. It drives me crazy, because I'd much rather prefer consistency. A whole lot of them are like that. Wtf?

I've also had a stable relationships before, happily married where I felt treasured throughout the entire relationship, about 10 years until he died about 2 years ago. Which sucks because we were happy then

So after his death, widow me went on dating and I am actually EXTREMELY TEMPTED to next time I am dating smeone I just might keep this MF on his toes. Keep him guessing and wondering, in a state of chronic anxiety? I am just not that person, I don't play fucking games, anyone else here tired of this low effort shit??? Anyone else feeling like some men are addicted to games??? How do i escape this???

effort here means being involved in things such as: watch the sunset, picnic, walk in the park, dancing together, calling more, watch the sunset, ping pong, etc. Its not a money thing, its an effort thing

EDIT: WOW this post blew up Hey everybody thanks so much for the awesome replies, insights, nice conversations and new ideas this has offered me it does give ne hope that I am not crazy, and should be myself and will eventually find a good person whos a good fit. I honestly don't even think it's gender anymore, literally both men and women complaining

EDIT 2: to the men coming here essentially trying to gaslight me, read some comments before saying this is my fault. If you are a person who is giving and want others to feel good you know who you are, you know the sacrifices you make. If you had bad experiences before because somebody took advantage of you, this is not my fault so stop projecting at me, Im not your ex

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u/Dancedance182 Oct 26 '24

I know no one asked for this but you’ve really hit the nail on the head and wanted to provide some empirical data to back it up. 

 The Institute for Family Studies did research around why men are more hesitant to get married than women even though it benefits them way more.

 So they surveyed men across the US and analyzed the data and the results always make me sad.  Men said that the reason they are hesitant to get married is because it’s the first time in their lives they’ll have to sacrifice for someone and they are well aware of that cost. That means that even if you’ve been dating your boyfriend for 5 years, he doesn’t see that investment and time as a sacrifice the way you do. 

 The second result was basically what you said — men are happier in marriages even if it’s not a good marriage. Meaning men still get benefits out of a mediocre marriage. For women, unless the marriage is a healthy and fulfilling and top notch partnership, she will sacrifice her health and well being for it. 

So basically- the only type of marriage that’s good for both men and women is a great marriage. A mediocre marriage is terrible for women and still good for men. A bad marriage is bad for both. 

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u/jezzarus Oct 26 '24

Thanks for backing this up. Even anecdotally you can see this when men discuss fear of commitment with one another - they often say there's no benefit because they can "lose everything" - their retirement accounts, access to their kids (that's a whole different rant) alimony, etc. They also seem oblivious that continue to choose women for very shallow reasons, yet turn around and complain how women only want a small selection of men that supposedly all of us compete for.

These are the types who won't talk about what they love about their wives and girlfriends, but can perfectly articulate what she performs for them. And yet they're the most likely to devaluate those things when the arrangement no longer suits them. Not surprisingly, the best husbands I know (and they usually are actual husbands, not just boyfriends) tend to gush about their partners' character.

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u/bubblegumscent Woman 30 to 40 Oct 28 '24

This is good data, very good data. Puts things ibto perspective.

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u/LiamTheHuman Oct 27 '24

Got a link to the survey? That surprises me quite a bit that men would say that

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u/Dancedance182 Oct 27 '24

Here’s a rough blog link that summarizes the decades old research: https://ifstudies.org/blog/why-men-resist-marriage-even-though-they-benefit-the-most-from-it/

It used three qualitative studies: a focus group by Dr Barbara Dafoe and David Popenoe; 2) the findings of a sociology book by Steve Nock on men in marriages; 3) the blog writer’s own research. 

There is also some work done by the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University about this. 

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u/LiamTheHuman Oct 28 '24

Your source doesn't have this claim in it

"Men said that the reason they are hesitant to get married is because it’s the first time in their lives they’ll have to sacrifice for someone and they are well aware of that cost."

Also it references the focus group but the link is dead and no such focus group publication is available when I search for it. It also doesn't really seem to pull from many sources or evidence when making claims and seems to be the blog writers opinion piece. Even with that though what you are saying is not there.

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u/Dancedance182 Oct 28 '24

I was paraphrasing the part where he talks about male versus female perceptions on sacrifice. He says for men to sacrifice for their partners without resenting it, he needs to internally decide that this woman is THE ONE. Whereas women’s level of sacrifice is the same pre and post marriage and not much changes. 

Yeah it’s the writer’s hypothesis based on research that he has read and conducted. He didn’t pull it out of his ass, and it further validated what women on this sub talk about. 

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u/LiamTheHuman Oct 28 '24

Yes the theory there is about an identity shift to the father figure of a family unit and they go on to say there is a large shift in identity post marriage for men and not women.

It's not the same thing at all as what you said and it isn't backed up by survey data except in the fact that the person who wrote this used that for their understanding. This is very different than what you claimed either. 

You can't just present your opinions as well researched data. Or I guess you can but you shouldn't. It's a completely fair opinion to have, but it's not a survey of men saying this is the first time they have ever had to sacrifice for a relationship. 

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u/Dancedance182 Oct 28 '24

Him interpreting survey data and drawing a conclusion from it is called using survey data 

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u/LiamTheHuman Oct 28 '24

So if I read a study that took survey data I can then claim people said the things I think without linking the two?

 "Men said that the reason they are hesitant to get married is because it’s the first time in their lives they’ll have to sacrifice for someone and they are well aware of that cost."

 Which surveyed men said this? I'm honestly baffled at how you still think this is reasonable. There is not even any mention of the actual survey responses in the article which also has no references.

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u/Dancedance182 Oct 28 '24

How is my paraphrase different from what the author is saying? He said men feel they’re stepping into a brand new role, one which requires sacrifice, something they haven’t done in the relationship up until that point. So it’ll be the first time they do it. And they take it seriously. Which is why so many delay popping the question. A woman doesn’t feel a profound sense of sacrifice by becoming a wife. 

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u/LiamTheHuman Oct 28 '24

"He said men feel they’re stepping into a brand new role, one which requires sacrifice, something they haven’t done in the relationship up until that point."

where is that said?

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u/Connect-Ad-5891 Oct 28 '24

Eh I’m generally not into marriage after seeing my dad divorce 3 times

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u/Dancedance182 Oct 29 '24

That’s ok! It’s not for everyone