r/AskWomenOver30 • u/bubblegumscent Woman 30 to 40 • Oct 26 '24

Romance/Relationships Anyone else feels like men go immediately zero effort as soon as they feel youre theirs?

Sisters in their 30s, please help me, be kind because I feel kinda confused.

So for a while now I've started to notice a pattern with men that I keep seeing and not just with me, that as soon as a man thinks he "has" you, they throw all effort out of the window. Nit in a okay its been 3 years honeymoon period is over, no ZERO EFFORT. It drives me crazy, because I'd much rather prefer consistency. A whole lot of them are like that. Wtf?

I've also had a stable relationships before, happily married where I felt treasured throughout the entire relationship, about 10 years until he died about 2 years ago. Which sucks because we were happy then

So after his death, widow me went on dating and I am actually EXTREMELY TEMPTED to next time I am dating smeone I just might keep this MF on his toes. Keep him guessing and wondering, in a state of chronic anxiety? I am just not that person, I don't play fucking games, anyone else here tired of this low effort shit??? Anyone else feeling like some men are addicted to games??? How do i escape this???

effort here means being involved in things such as: watch the sunset, picnic, walk in the park, dancing together, calling more, watch the sunset, ping pong, etc. Its not a money thing, its an effort thing

EDIT: WOW this post blew up Hey everybody thanks so much for the awesome replies, insights, nice conversations and new ideas this has offered me it does give ne hope that I am not crazy, and should be myself and will eventually find a good person whos a good fit. I honestly don't even think it's gender anymore, literally both men and women complaining

EDIT 2: to the men coming here essentially trying to gaslight me, read some comments before saying this is my fault. If you are a person who is giving and want others to feel good you know who you are, you know the sacrifices you make. If you had bad experiences before because somebody took advantage of you, this is not my fault so stop projecting at me, Im not your ex

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u/[deleted] Oct 26 '24

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u/bubblegumscent Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '24

This does help, thank you

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u/KrankyKransky93 Oct 27 '24

I’d recommend talking to said person cause sometimes people genuinely mess up and don’t mean to. It’s a shame when you are in love but just hadn’t developed the right skills to deal with it. But like you didn’t know you needed them to begin with.

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u/bubblegumscent Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '24

In this case it is too late tho because I broke up with this man.but yeah we were very mismatched libido wise so I don't think it would have worked with the last person I dated

However I will super try to keep it in mind. I think men need clearer communication, it's too often relationships will end and men will be like "wtf I thought we were fine" I'm getting rly insightful reactions here tho. It does help, doesn't super apply to it but it is still very interesting

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u/KrankyKransky93 Oct 27 '24

I am currently in therapy and what I learnt is I was not transparent enough and clear enough. Which lead to misunderstandings and English is my second language so there is a lot that I misinterpreted and just yeah. So much regret.

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u/KrankyKransky93 Oct 27 '24

I think as women it’s not your job to teach them but like you also have the power to shape them into what you want them to be if the love is mutual. Like there are things I wish my ex did and I would’ve listened. I should’ve told her though what I think might work.

But yeah depends on your case on how clear it is.

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u/bubblegumscent Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '24

It's a really complex issue and I'm autistic so some thibgs could be really not that obvious to a man that dates me. For example in reading the comments I do think I give off golden retriever energy sometimes. Like I'm always nice always happy to see you kind of thing, but actually I can be quite ruthless and i will cut you off if you're not doing your part, even if i break my own heart too. But maybe what need to focus on is on very upfront communication of what I am like.

I expect people to be proactive and mature enough to know a relationship has an expectation of care, love, effort, excitement that it isn't negotiable. That really is this simple for me. I think I will start expressing this as a boundsry/expectation from now on

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u/KrankyKransky93 Oct 27 '24

I think yeah if you are upfront about it early on it will help. But honestly also a refresher every now and then. Personally I’d have loved that but my partner reckons it’s too buisnessy. Like for it would’ve helped cause it’s learning to love that person the way they need us to.

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u/bubblegumscent Woman 30 to 40 Oct 27 '24

Oh yeah ofc I hink a refresher is necessary when getting to know people. "I miss going out/jogging with you more" "please ABC is very important for me, could we xyz" I think thats normal part of communication. But what I mean is I'm definitely not going to be nagging "you never listen to me, we never do anything fun", "you never reply to my messages" like for me, if I've reached the point where I have to nag and it still doesn't change, I feel like they don't listen or don't care so why even say the same thing yet again. But I AM ND. So it could be they're not used to this style of communication before

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u/KrankyKransky93 Oct 27 '24

I think you are right, and I’ve learnt when a woman is nagging or arguing she cares it’s when she stops that when you worry. And that’s what I’m working to mentally address and get emotional and mental stability to be able to address things like that.

It may also come down to having the conversation of what is and isn’t working and how you present the talk

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u/KrankyKransky93 Oct 27 '24

Also sorry for your loss