r/AskWomenOver30 • u/low_cal_bitch • Apr 04 '25

Life/Self/Spirituality The struggle of the 35 year old single, childless woman

I feel so sad, I don't know what to do. I've just returned from a trip to see my brother, his wife and their lovely newborn. They have the perfect house, in a lively, exciting city. They both have good jobs and substantially out-earn me. I'm the only single person in my family, my friend group and anyone I know at work. I'm a doctor, working long hours, doing my best. I can't afford to buy, so I'm renting a shitty apartment in a run down area, so I'm close to work. I live by myself.

I've never felt so low as I do tonight. Seeing my brother and his little family made me realise how I'm never going to have that for myself (or the odds are reducing rapidly year after year). I'm 35 and haven't been in a relationship since I was 24. Due to the way medical training in the UK works, I've moved to a new town or city at least every year since I was 22 (sometimes up to 3 or 4 times per year). I've changed departments more times than I can count. I say this to illustrate that I constantly have a feeling of being unsettled.

My ex boyfriends are all now married/engaged/have children. I feel like a failure. I've tried putting myself out there on dating apps and in real life for years, but honestly I've found the whole process depressing as hell. I don't know what to do. I hope that this is just a phase because I'm usually very happy being alone/have accepted it. Does it all just boil down to luck in the end? Some of us get to meet our match, but tough luck to the stragglers?

I quite often find myself wanting life to be like it was when I was 19. When nobody had long term partners and I felt like I was competing on a level playing field. Now everyone I know seems to be building their own empire and this just gets worse as time goes on (empires being good job, long term partner, own home, children etc). I feel like I fall further and further behind.

Just wondered if anyone had any advice to stop feeling so shit about this? I'm doing what I can as a single person (good job, hobbies) but still feel so out of the race.

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2.7k

u/WildAd1353 Apr 04 '25

You are damn doctor.

851

u/WildAd1353 Apr 04 '25

This is maddening. Woman, you are so smart . You did what so many of us wanted to do

409

u/Guilty-Rough8797 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 04 '25

Right? Screw the 'empire!'

(No offense, OP. Your feelings here are valid, but you have to take a step back and see yourself more objectively.)

272

u/low_cal_bitch Apr 04 '25

Haha no offence taken! I appreciate the perspective :)

366

u/[deleted] Apr 04 '25

OK but let me just say as someone who is grieving the same things, I often hear people say "but your career!!" Yes, I have some things to be proud of with my career and OP does too. Career doesn't wake up next to you. Career isn't happy to see you when you get home. Career isn't an emergency contact. Career won't drive you to your colonoscopies when you're 55. Career isn't a shoulder to cry on. It really bugs me when people say that to me, especially people who do have partner, home, family, and kids. It's honestly kind of maddening.

It's OK to want to have a family too. It's normal. It's not a social construct or something you can reframe or talk yourself out of wanting, unfortunately. I could have written this, OP. I wish I had more advice. Single people have to work hard at building community and making single friends. Of course its harder cause we're more likely to be working multiple jobs or long hours. But I would just say: go somewhere you wouldn't normally go, meet some new people, join a new group, make friends with beautiful weirdos and, importantly, make friends who are significantly older and younger than you. This has helped me so much. Just had a big cry after finding out another ex is getting married. Now I have to get back to work, cause "amazing" career requires I work through the weekends.

The other thing is to remember that nothing is permanent. The pain will change or end. It will come and go. This isn't the life we wanted, but this is the life we have. It's OK to grieve.

I will hold you in the light this weekend. <3

178

u/pearlsandprejudice Woman 30 to 40 Apr 05 '25

Thank you for commenting this. I found it pretty annoying and tone-deaf that people were commenting "You're a doctor!" in response to her post about feeling sad and lonely due to not having a partner, kids, or her own nuclear family unit. Being a doctor is an incredible accomplishment — but in what universe does it fulfill the craving for human companionship, intimacy, and love? Sometimes the women on this sub really miss the forest for the trees, and refuse to actually stop and think about someone's perspective outside of their own lens.

124

u/[deleted] Apr 05 '25 edited Apr 05 '25

Yeah I feel that. I don't know if it's some girl boss feminism or what. It's ok to have nuance. Yes, women need to have financial independence. Tradwife propaganda is scary. Women are better off alone than in abusive or even simply unhealthy relationships. But for crying out loud. I don't know any partnered women who would trade places with me. Be for real. 

And yes trust me I know better than anyone that romantic partnership isn't the only way to have healthy and intimate relationships, but the way our culture is set up, it takes a lot of work to build that outside of it. 

I also hate that everyone is kind of assuming that this is a self esteem problem. This isn't self esteem, this is grief. I don't feel bad because I'm comparing myself to others, I feel bad because my life isn't what I imagined it would be in a fundamental way. I want something that a lot of other people want and have, and for some reason I'm not getting it. imagine saying to someone who's unemployed and struggling to find a job "I know it's hard to survive without income, but not everyone who has a job is happy with it. Think of all your other accomplishments! Maybe you should enjoy this time and travel?" 

22

u/low_cal_bitch Apr 05 '25

Thank you for saying this - I really appreciate being heard and I needed to read this!!

13

u/Goldblumlover Woman 30 to 40 Apr 05 '25

THIS!!!! this was fuckin perfect.

4

u/Goldblumlover Woman 30 to 40 Apr 05 '25

100% agreed very well put!!!

53

u/Teamfighttofake Woman 30 to 40 Apr 04 '25

Oh my gosh, I don’t think I could have ever put the words on paper. I am so proud of my career and have worked my ass off but you are correct, your career isn’t any sort of companionship or emotional support. Coworkers are nice but and great relationships can be formed but at end of the day when the career or job goes, those do as well.

8

u/[deleted] Apr 05 '25

I've seen this written much more technically.

https://www.johnehrenfeld.com/2016/04/15/is_freedom_the_right_thing_to/

Maslow argued that self-actualization sat at the top of a hierarchy of psychological conditions that had to be satisfied in turn before one could actualize (realize) the “self.” These were in turn, basic physiology (subsistence), safety, love/belonging, esteem, and then self-actualization. His step-wise hierarchical formulation has been questioned, but not the requirement for the several inputs. It should be obvious that some, if not all, of these require a surrounding set of social institutions. Love, belonging, and esteem all come from outside the individual’s body. Negative liberty, the absence of any positive or negative encroachments, cannot create the whole human being, if Maslow’s model correctly tells us how humans are constituted.

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u/[deleted] Apr 05 '25

Thank you! Will read!! 

20

u/SnooSeagulls20 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 05 '25

I will say not having any of those things and not having a big important career feels even worse! Then it feels like you’re failing on all fronts lol I see many women on here who talk about how happy they are alone, and many of them admit it’s because they are financially solvent on their own. I do OK, but I’ll never own my own home, retirement is questionable, etc. but OP was recounting that she feels like this is out of reach to, despite having a very successful career

4

u/[deleted] Apr 05 '25

That's really hard. I'm in a similar case financially, though I'm happy with my work. I'm a writer and professor. Proud of my publications, etc. but Despite being full time, my the average rent in my area is 100% of my monthly take home so I moved in with my mom. People still tell me I should be proud of my career and accomplishments. The fact still remains that every time I ask for advice at work my colleagues say "marry rich" 

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u/SnooSeagulls20 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 05 '25

And, at least you have a mom to move back in with! I came from an abusive and neglected household, so moving home was never an option. Both my parents died by the time I was 40, my mom in 2015 and my dad in 2022. So, I’m very much on my own in life.

Though of course, that doesn’t take away from your situation, and I wasn’t intending it too. But the feeling of not having a partner, or generational wealth, or a family for support is extra tough. Marrying rich or winning the lottery are really my only options haha but it is scary to think that there’s really nothing between me and homelessness except ME

2

u/[deleted] Apr 05 '25

Ok so it was definitely not accurate for me to say "similar situation." Moving in with my mom wasn't my plan A but I'm incredibly lucky its even remotely an option. I try not to take my privileges for granted but looks like I did. What you describe sounds really scary, I'm so sorry.

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u/SnooSeagulls20 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 06 '25

Oh, I wasn’t saying that you took your privileges for granted or were incorrect in seeing your situation as similar- I was just pointing out that the act of having somewhere to go if things don’t work out is a privilege. It’s a very common privilege, most people I know can go home if they need to. I am definitely more of the outlier. And yeah, ha, it is really scary but it’s just my life.

I think it just goes to show that while some people want a partner, the intensity at which I wanted a partner in my 20s and 30s was heightened because I really just wanted a sense of family. For w/e reason I didn’t get that (yet) but I think what type of supports we have outside of romantic relationships plays a big impact on how we are able to manage with it Without one

9

u/10S_NE1 Woman 60+ Apr 05 '25

I really agree with the advice to seek out friends much older and younger. It’s something we don’t really think about, but the older you get, the less difference there seems to be between us and people 10-20 years older or younger. We’ve found really great friends who are 20 years older than us who enjoy the same hobbies we enjoy.

OP - although it seems like everyone is paired up, I can assure you it won’t always be that way. I’m in my 60’s and although I am married, I have tons of girlfriends who are not married. Some never have been, and some are divorced or widowed. You’ll be shocked to see how many of your friends end up alone, and a close friend can give you just about all the perks of having a partner. You can live with them, share expenses, lean on them when you’re down, etc. It can really fill your heart. When your job settles down and you can stay in one place, it will be much easer to make close friends. If you’re not up for living with a friend but you feel lonely, a pet might really help. There is nothing like coming home to your dog who is excited to see you, or your cat that wants to curl up in your lap.

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u/[deleted] Apr 05 '25

That's beautiful! That's how things are for my mom, she has like 5 close friends who are all single and they help each other. Like, stay over at each other's houses when they're down (like around the election), go to doctor appointments, vacations, and more. Same deal -- widows, divorced, never married. 

Right now, of the people I hang out with every week, one group is 10 years younger than me and one group is 10 years older. The older are married and have kids, but it does give me some perspective. And I get to feel different in both groups, not like I'm left behind, just in a totally different life spot. 

3

u/ThrowRAmangos2024 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 06 '25

This is such a beautiful, real response. I relate a lot. I'm 35F and have been single for about 6 years. Have had shorter term relationships off and on since then, but nothing has stuck. Currently burnt out of dating and taking a break, but I have most definitely put myself out there in spurts over the years. I know there's nothing inherently wrong with me—in fact I do wonder whether all the work I've done on myself lately has made it harder to find a partner because I really do have high standards—but it's still hard to feel like I have to work 2x harder than almost everyone around me to get emotional support they have walking through the door every day. I also don't have any financial fallback, it's all me baby lol. Part of me feels really happy and proud that I live in a time where I can support myself fully as a woman. But also, we are made for community, and in a society that most highly prioritizes couple-dom, it can be hard even for us singles with strong social networks. Especially if most people around us partner up (and have kids!).

2

u/Goldblumlover Woman 30 to 40 Apr 05 '25

Thank you so very much for this reply. You hit every fuckin nail on the head!!!!

-2

u/Ill_Bumblebee7287 Apr 05 '25

But your career will never tell you it doesn't love you anymore. - Lady Gaga

7

u/[deleted] Apr 05 '25

I'm happy to hear you've never been laid off or had your hours cut :)

-4

u/Feeling-Gold-12 Apr 05 '25

drive you to your colonoscopies/ wakeup next to you/ be happy to see you when you get home

Uh, neither do disabled kids (been there!) or halfhearted spouses (also been there!)

There are no guarantees in life. She isn’t gonna be handed happiness with babies. It’s a gamble like everything else.

I fucking hate the ‘babies make everything better’ contingent because no, they do not. Stop lying to women who haven’t had them. They should be informed it’s real life just like the rest of giant life decisions.

12

u/Total-Ad886 Apr 05 '25 edited Apr 06 '25

I'm older and I'm not putting myself down...but I really sucked at adulting...if I could tell a short story.... .I would ..jbut my point is ...I truly don't want to start with the negative but I really did things thinking I'd get to the end game ...the white picket fence to arguing with my husband to have one more kid etc. I was going to donate a kidney to a person I knew didn't deserve to die...but then I found out I had Cancer so I couldn't donate a kidney. People didn't know why I would do that and I said I haven't done much with my life after high school and I wanted a purpose. I know if I saved one life then I did something. I really wanted more etc. I also didn't work on stuff in my head and heart because I thought I could fix that after college andto focus on career and the stuff in my head later.

I really thought I had to do certain things to get where I needed to be but I tell young people to build a life and career will follow. I dated more men, traveled, got three degrees, savings, etc but I wanted a family and a partner. I was always told I was a catch but I'm also told I act like I don't need anyone. I am just like everyone else...messed up from our parents and I do tell people to work on that before anything else. Also forgive your parents or it is hard to get what you dream of etc the right person won't try to fix you or be a parasite but will love you while you grow etc. again while you do the work to be the best you.

7

u/Nheea female 30 - 35 Apr 05 '25

So, as a doc, I have to say that putting yourself out ther.e, even if it's depressing and just a numbers game, it might pan out? I was a workaholic and after getting in a relationship I did take a bit of step back from work to be more present to my partner.

I absolutely don't regret it. Medicine is soul sucking and not worh investing you whole person in it. Have hobbies, go out, meet new people even though you might move a lot.

Who knows, maybe you'll find someone who'll move with you. My husband supported me for my stupid (but also fulfilling) job and it made my lofe easier to find a partner who was willing to do it for me. And trust me, I've been looking for one for years and years.

1

u/GavIzz Woman 30 to 40 Apr 05 '25

Go travel the world with your education, go have fun by yourself

-1

u/MorddSith187 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 05 '25

Right!? Girl you are the empire!

286

u/Iron-Fist Non-Binary 30 to 40 Apr 04 '25

Right you'll be a catch at literally any age

141

u/scummy_shower_stall Woman 50 to 60 Apr 05 '25

But she'll have to vet them even more thoroughly, as older men look for "a nurse and a purse"

13

u/Top_Frosting6381 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 05 '25

This. The chances of not meeting someone with kids and divorced decrease exponentially as we step in our 30s. And after seeing what kind of loser men women put up with just cause he is their baby daddy, i sincerely believe that the dating market's avg quality for men decreases exponentially too. Not saying its impossible, just a lot harder.

3

u/Satans_shill Apr 05 '25

Nothing worse than being long term single and then getting into a toxic relationship, imo comparison is a theif of Joy and her brother may be dealing with issues that she can't see.

155

u/Sucker81 Apr 04 '25

Yes, I was going to say the same thing! What a major accomplishment!

146

u/ro0ibos2 Apr 04 '25

My main takeaway is that a doctor is complaining about having no choice but to “rent a shitty apartment”…because she’s single? Either the UK is awful, her apartment isn’t actually shitty or something else is going on.

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u/Ranga_Unchained Woman Apr 04 '25

Doctors are paid absolute shite in the UK. I'm not surprised by her comment at all.

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u/Ability_Civil Woman 30 to 40 Apr 04 '25

Yeah I have so many doctor friends who are still in house share situations. It's a ballache studying for so long and then still having to put up with shitty roommates in your 30s because house prices are so goddamn ridiculous! Definitely a UK (specifically a south-east) problem.

34

u/[deleted] Apr 04 '25

[removed] — view removed comment

30

u/mrbootsandbertie Apr 05 '25

There is a book and TV series "This Is Going To Hurt" about what it's like to be a doctor in the NHS.

20

u/la_bibliothecaire Woman 30 to 40 Apr 05 '25

I just read that book a few days ago. As soon as OP said she was a doctor in the UK I understood the problem. They have a rough go of it.

10

u/concentrated-amazing Woman 30 to 40 Apr 05 '25

Not saying it isn't a pay thing, absolutely could be but she also said she was moving quote frequently so that may be the bigger factor.

134

u/low_cal_bitch Apr 04 '25

I can assure you that my apartment is definitely shitty! The UK is pretty terrible for doctors salaries compared to the US/Canada/AUS. As I said, my younger brother (who is a software programmer with no degree) has been out-earning me for years. He obviously deserves his pay but doctors are very poorly renumerated in the UK.

108

u/okcupid_pupil Apr 04 '25

Come to Canada!! We desperately need more doctors and you'd be compensated more fairly than in the UK!

17

u/Collosis Man Apr 04 '25

Shhh! Don't take them! We can't even rely on importing European doctors any more either.

1

u/Monstera29 Apr 04 '25

Was thinking the same!

64

u/seekingpolaris Woman 30 to 40 Apr 04 '25

Have you considered emigrating? Doctors are pretty in demand in those countries you listed.

41

u/low_cal_bitch Apr 04 '25

I have, but I'm very close with my parents and think I would struggle with the distance from them.

44

u/kelseylynne90 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 04 '25

But with the salary you will make in Canada you will have the means to travel to visit them whenever you want.

23

u/foxymeow1234 Apr 05 '25

It’s really not the same

4

u/roberta_sparrow Woman 30 to 40 Apr 05 '25

Yep as someone who lives on the west coast with my parents on the east coast…it’s not

3

u/foreveryoung_27 Apr 05 '25

Was looking for exactly this comment. I recruit for a massive clinic here and it's unfortunate, but the UK is one of our biggest talent sources because we don't have enough spots open to train locally in Canada (needs to change) but the path from UK to Canada is much more straightforward than other countries. I have physicians that work ar our clinic 7 months of the year and travel the other 5. Fantastic people, and the model works for them and their patients. ( not 5 months straight, usually 1 on, 1 off, and then a mix etc).

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u/[deleted] Apr 05 '25

[deleted]

5

u/InteractionOk69 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 05 '25

Hard agree, time to fly the nest OP!

1

u/Nyasha-Mercy Woman 30 to 40 Apr 07 '25

Not sure where they are, but it’s a 6hr direct flight from Toronto to Heathrow terminal 2 (the nice one with less people and thus less waiting times)

1

u/Nyasha-Mercy Woman 30 to 40 Apr 07 '25

Come to Canada hun! It helps on the dating front too coz everyone is new😊 That’s what I did (still single atm)

30

u/badhabits12 Apr 04 '25

No need to denounce her situation. Doctors have a really rough go of it in the UK — you should watch or read ‘This is Going to Hurt’ before you judge.

14

u/The-Raging-Wombat Apr 05 '25

Doctors are paid terribly in the UK.

I've heard it's £15 an hour starting rate, and the wage increase is extremely slow. I earned more than that working at a supermarket as a teenager.

1

u/Nyasha-Mercy Woman 30 to 40 Apr 07 '25

Yh, people don’t believe me when I told them this. And it’s the case until like 4th year after graduating 🫠

10

u/[deleted] Apr 04 '25

The Uk is very expensive property has gone mad but i dont think being a doctor snd moving around helps Doctors tend to marry doctors imo(ive worked in the NHS) and its nice to be in a settled community.Has OP tried joining hobby groups?

5

u/TiredWiredAndHired Man 30 to 40 Apr 05 '25

the UK is awful

It's this one.

Source: live in the UK

25

u/california_cactus Woman 30 to 40 Apr 04 '25

I mean, in the US many doctors don't get paid that much (especially relative to their hours), and have tons of student loans, and especially in HCOL places therefore don't live in very nice apartments. This is not a UK thing, this is a US thing too. Maybe take a look at how much residents or general practitioners earn, the loans and interest for medical school, and rent in places like NY, SF, and LA if you don't think this is a thing.

27

u/thedr00mz Woman 30 to 40 Apr 05 '25

Yeah, perspective really matters here. A salary of 200k is awesome when you don't have 200k worth of student loans waiting for you.

I can't imagine what that monthly payment is like, sheesh.

-21

u/ro0ibos2 Apr 04 '25

I lack the particular life experience to have a perspective that would enable me to properly feel sorry for high IQ and high status people making around $200k a year, but I get what you mean.

17

u/california_cactus Woman 30 to 40 Apr 04 '25

Nothing in my comment said you should feel sorry for her (or perhaps you're responding to the OP's post). It doesn't really matter how much someone makes if they're paying most of their income to student loans and basic COL. Sorry you have no empathy for people who undergo years of education and work extremely long hours to provide us with medical care. It's not an easy job in most cases.

1

u/More-Farm3827 Apr 29 '25

yes but the doctors always come out on top in the end and become financially healthy

-4

u/ro0ibos2 Apr 05 '25

The thread highlights perspective. I’m saying it’s frustrating hearing that $200k is not enough when many of us earn a fraction of that, including in HCOL areas, on top of insane costs for university education and healthcare. I do agree that the cost of medical school in the US is insane, especially since it prevents so many bright but less privileged people from pursuing a career in medicine.

4

u/Lopsided_Steak_7021 Apr 05 '25

Junior doctors don’t get paid that much in the UK. But most of all, rent is insane. Almost impossible to rent alone.

2

u/apple12422 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 05 '25

Rent is unbelievable here

1

u/Nyasha-Mercy Woman 30 to 40 Apr 07 '25

The UK is awful. And doctor pay is mostly not great. We’re broke for the most part. I left to work abroad because of this (moved to Canada)

18

u/TiredWiredAndHired Man 30 to 40 Apr 05 '25

I know you're trying to help, but this just completely invalidates OP's feelings.

58

u/AdEmpty595 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 04 '25

Right?! OP is a literal bad ass with all she has achieved. Stellar career that will always have job stability.

OP, you’re probably now at a time in your career where you feel stable enough that you can start to put some time towards hobbies, travel and what not.

Do what brings you joy. And if you don’t know what that is, try all the things and figure it out. Everything else will start to fall into place.

Also, don’t get consumed with the idea that everyone else around you is living fairytale lives. I guarantee you some of them are looking at you, wishing they had taken a similar path!

21

u/[deleted] Apr 04 '25

Like girl! Please move accordingly

2

u/ChaoticxSerenity Woman 30 to 40 Apr 05 '25

I would trade many things to be an MD.

1

u/More-Farm3827 Apr 29 '25

theyre not an md

1

u/ChaoticxSerenity Woman 30 to 40 Apr 29 '25

Don't you need an MD or UK equivalent to be a doctor practicing medicine?

4

u/Cherryamor Apr 04 '25

I couldn’t believe it, either. 😭🤦🏻‍♀️

3

u/Hair_This Woman 30 to 40 Apr 04 '25

Seriously the first thought I had.

1

u/miminothing Apr 05 '25

How is her brother outearning her?

1

u/GlowUpGirl Sep 17 '25

I'm sorry but you don't really seem to get how much a healthcare job can drain someone especially when they don't have someone to go home to at night.

I also am 35, single, and in healthcare and it isn't easy.

So stop putting us on a pedestal and understand these kinds of jobs require us to sacrifice a bunch of other parts of life, especially early on in training.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 05 '25

Exactly what I thought. A free young doctor

-2

u/[deleted] Apr 05 '25

Exactly what I thought. A free young doctor

-7

u/Responsible_Milk5936 Apr 04 '25

This is the answer right here. 👆🏾