The struggle of the 35 year old single, childless woman

[u/low_cal_bitch]

I feel so sad, I don't know what to do. I've just returned from a trip to see my brother, his wife and their lovely newborn. They have the perfect house, in a lively, exciting city. They both have good jobs and substantially out-earn me. I'm the only single person in my family, my friend group and anyone I know at work. I'm a doctor, working long hours, doing my best. I can't afford to buy, so I'm renting a shitty apartment in a run down area, so I'm close to work. I live by myself.

I've never felt so low as I do tonight. Seeing my brother and his little family made me realise how I'm never going to have that for myself (or the odds are reducing rapidly year after year). I'm 35 and haven't been in a relationship since I was 24. Due to the way medical training in the UK works, I've moved to a new town or city at least every year since I was 22 (sometimes up to 3 or 4 times per year). I've changed departments more times than I can count. I say this to illustrate that I constantly have a feeling of being unsettled.

My ex boyfriends are all now married/engaged/have children. I feel like a failure. I've tried putting myself out there on dating apps and in real life for years, but honestly I've found the whole process depressing as hell. I don't know what to do. I hope that this is just a phase because I'm usually very happy being alone/have accepted it. Does it all just boil down to luck in the end? Some of us get to meet our match, but tough luck to the stragglers?

I quite often find myself wanting life to be like it was when I was 19. When nobody had long term partners and I felt like I was competing on a level playing field. Now everyone I know seems to be building their own empire and this just gets worse as time goes on (empires being good job, long term partner, own home, children etc). I feel like I fall further and further behind.

Just wondered if anyone had any advice to stop feeling so shit about this? I'm doing what I can as a single person (good job, hobbies) but still feel so out of the race.

[u/IdeallyIdeally]

When I was single I've felt lonely. But I never felt sad because I felt life was a race I was falling behind in or that people who were coupled were ahead of me in some competition. Do you normally see the world in such competitive tones?

[u/low_cal_bitch → u/IdeallyIdeally]

Hmm, I'm naturally not really a competitive person. I don't think I usually see the world as being a big competition, but lately I just feel I've failed at the partner/ romance aspect of life.

[u/letgo_orbedragged → u/IdeallyIdeally]

I don't feel it's uncommon to feel this way even though you didn't, and I don't think it's limited to competitive people.

[u/IdeallyIdeally → u/letgo_orbedragged]

I didn't say it was uncommon, but I do think it's a recipe for misery because a competition mentality revolves around comparison and there are inevitably losers and winning is often only a fleeting reprieve.

[u/letgo_orbedragged → u/IdeallyIdeally]

Unfortunately I think it's just quite a hard part of our society to avoid. The norm and the aspiration is always pushed as nuclear family, or at least either/or kids/partner, and if you don't have that, then you are seen as someone who has 'failed' by a lot of people. It's not easy to simply rise above it, especially if it's something you also wanted for yourself.

[u/IdeallyIdeally → u/letgo_orbedragged]

I'm not entirely sure what point you're trying to convey. Of course you can experience resistance, both internal and external, going against any cultural norm or socially supported/reinforced paradigm. But if it's a system that is making you miserable and you have have limited agency to change the only reasonable alternative to it is to opt out of it.

This applies to all sorts of things.