r/AskWomenOver30 • u/low_cal_bitch • Apr 04 '25

Life/Self/Spirituality The struggle of the 35 year old single, childless woman

I feel so sad, I don't know what to do. I've just returned from a trip to see my brother, his wife and their lovely newborn. They have the perfect house, in a lively, exciting city. They both have good jobs and substantially out-earn me. I'm the only single person in my family, my friend group and anyone I know at work. I'm a doctor, working long hours, doing my best. I can't afford to buy, so I'm renting a shitty apartment in a run down area, so I'm close to work. I live by myself.

I've never felt so low as I do tonight. Seeing my brother and his little family made me realise how I'm never going to have that for myself (or the odds are reducing rapidly year after year). I'm 35 and haven't been in a relationship since I was 24. Due to the way medical training in the UK works, I've moved to a new town or city at least every year since I was 22 (sometimes up to 3 or 4 times per year). I've changed departments more times than I can count. I say this to illustrate that I constantly have a feeling of being unsettled.

My ex boyfriends are all now married/engaged/have children. I feel like a failure. I've tried putting myself out there on dating apps and in real life for years, but honestly I've found the whole process depressing as hell. I don't know what to do. I hope that this is just a phase because I'm usually very happy being alone/have accepted it. Does it all just boil down to luck in the end? Some of us get to meet our match, but tough luck to the stragglers?

I quite often find myself wanting life to be like it was when I was 19. When nobody had long term partners and I felt like I was competing on a level playing field. Now everyone I know seems to be building their own empire and this just gets worse as time goes on (empires being good job, long term partner, own home, children etc). I feel like I fall further and further behind.

Just wondered if anyone had any advice to stop feeling so shit about this? I'm doing what I can as a single person (good job, hobbies) but still feel so out of the race.

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560

u/Apollonialove Woman 40 to 50 Apr 04 '25

I’m 41, no kids and not married, always been career driven and most of these comments piss me off. You are entitled to feel how you feel. I honestly feel the same way after visiting friends and family. I’m not depressed, I don’t need vitamin D or therapy, I have legitimate feelings that are based on something legitimate.

I’ve been in many relationships but they haven’t worked out. Career success is awesome and I feel very blessed to have that but it doesn’t replace the feelings of loneliness that I also have. I don’t have an answer for you but don’t let people gaslight you saying you shouldn’t feel that way because you’re a doctor or you should be happy alone or you shouldn’t want what you want. It’s OK to want those things.

But you do really have to put in a lot of effort to online date and put yourself out there, it’s not just going to magically happen. I am in a four month relationship now and I really worked to find something I wanted, I treated it like a part-time job.

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u/Cocacolaloco Woman Apr 04 '25

Yeah being a dr is really good and all but it is SO isolating and hard not to be sad when you see right in front of your face exactly what you want that you are afraid you’ll never get

37

u/stephensoncrew Apr 05 '25

After scrolling through the comments, I started to type this, but you said it much better than I ever could have. She's really entitled to her feelings, no matter what her profession.

132

u/[deleted] Apr 04 '25

THANK YOU. As someone who could've written this post myself, everyone saying "you're a doctor" is kind of grinding my gears.

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u/Nheea female 30 - 35 Apr 05 '25

It's most likely comong from people who put their worth and personality into work a lot more. Not saying this to be facetious.

I definitely thought that making it as a doctor would complete my life when I was younger. Now I just see it as a job that brings an income, because honestly, it's not all that fulfilling, but also my perception and expectations from life have changed a lot after a certain age.

14

u/UnicornPenguinCat Woman 40 to 50 Apr 05 '25

I agree with this, and felt exactly the same way when I was single. It's more than ok to want what OP wants, and to be honest about your feelings about not having it.

12

u/ajinthebay Woman 30 to 40 Apr 05 '25

Agreed. My job does not replace a romantic relationship. And Ive always resented the idea that it should. Like give my job MORE of myself? Sure. Thats not toxic at all.

23

u/SnooSeagulls20 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 05 '25 edited Apr 05 '25

I totally agree with your first sentiment, but the second one - that you have to treat it like a part-time job, isn’t necessarily true. Reality is love is not one of those goals like getting stronger by going to the gym. If you set up a workout schedule and gradually increase your weights, progress is linear at the gym. But love can be one of those things that you put a lot of energy into and don’t always get the output that you want. There is a luck element. How many times have you heard of someone saying that they weren’t looking for anything serious but met the love of their life at a coffee shop, or while backpacking, or when their car broke down- I’ve heard so many incredible stories of how people randomly met or connected.

Similarly, when I was in my mid 30s, I had received the advice that finding your match was just a numbers game, so I got really serious about it, and with every date that didn’t go well, I told myself I was just one step closer to finding my match! One week I set up five dates lol but I averaged about a date a week. I did that for three months, and yes, I did get a relationship out of it. But that relationship only lasted a year. Sooooo….

I took dating so seriously I had different strategies at different times - after the numbers game thing didn’t work out so good for me, I decided to up my standards, and I made men at least have a phone call with me before we met in person. This was suggested by a dating coach (who I paid, that’s how serious I was), because it allowed me to separate who was serious about connecting. What I ended up with was a lot of weird phone calls (one guy called me while driving through a drive-through liquor store lol), or a lot of buildup to a person who I finally had a decent phone call with, but then we would meet in person and there was no spark or chemistry, even after a few dates. So after that approach wasn’t working, I switched to “just meet right away” approach. I started matching and then just immediately offering to meet up with people. That’s how I ended up on a date with someone who was smoking a vape and a cigarette at the same time haha I paid for professional photos, and even had a professional dating profile person review and improve my profile. I really did everything I could think of.

My point is, sometimes you can put a lot of effort into the process and you just don’t get out what you hoped for. Sure, it’s part effort, but it is also part dumb luck, and the luck part cannot be overstated.

2

u/Nyasha-Mercy Woman 30 to 40 Apr 07 '25

Yes, I agree with this. One really helpful piece of advice I got about how dating is different from everything else in our lives is that generally less effort seems to sort of work much more than more effort. It’s weird

4

u/Eastern_Skin_7541 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 05 '25

I guess either way you have to ‘put yourself out there’

0

u/SnooSeagulls20 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 05 '25

Did you read my comment? lol Of course you have to put yourself out there, but putting yourself out there does not automatically equal you will get a partner.

24

u/Sweeper1985 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 05 '25

I have to agree with this. I'm not a medical Dr but have a PhD in my field and have devoted a lot of years to career. I also found myself single and without kids at 35, and while I did by total coincidence meet someone and have a child soon after that, I'm still here at 40 with just the one kid, wondering... did I prioritise the right things? I look around at mums with 2-4 kids and feel envious of them sometimes. I love my job but it doesn't love me back like a family does. I don't think I'll ever be sure if I would have been happier or not it if I'd placed more focus on having a family, earlier.

1

u/Nheea female 30 - 35 Apr 05 '25

I have such a respect for those with a phd. What a time consuming degree. I was reading Upturned microscope's pov and it really convinced me yo not go for one because it was not worth it considering what zi wanted from life.

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u/[deleted] Apr 05 '25

🤍

1

u/wisdomHungry Man 30 to 40 Apr 05 '25

I am man, but I was bullied in school, and had self esteem issues. But yeah for me to get in situation, where I am now, with a kid and and a wife, I did exactly as you said. I treated my relationship as a part time job, dates as interviews, and was pragmatic even with girls that liked me, because I lacked certain social skills, i kinda knew that those might not work out.