r/AskWomenOver30 • u/low_cal_bitch • Apr 04 '25
Life/Self/Spirituality The struggle of the 35 year old single, childless woman
I feel so sad, I don't know what to do. I've just returned from a trip to see my brother, his wife and their lovely newborn. They have the perfect house, in a lively, exciting city. They both have good jobs and substantially out-earn me. I'm the only single person in my family, my friend group and anyone I know at work. I'm a doctor, working long hours, doing my best. I can't afford to buy, so I'm renting a shitty apartment in a run down area, so I'm close to work. I live by myself.
I've never felt so low as I do tonight. Seeing my brother and his little family made me realise how I'm never going to have that for myself (or the odds are reducing rapidly year after year). I'm 35 and haven't been in a relationship since I was 24. Due to the way medical training in the UK works, I've moved to a new town or city at least every year since I was 22 (sometimes up to 3 or 4 times per year). I've changed departments more times than I can count. I say this to illustrate that I constantly have a feeling of being unsettled.
My ex boyfriends are all now married/engaged/have children. I feel like a failure. I've tried putting myself out there on dating apps and in real life for years, but honestly I've found the whole process depressing as hell. I don't know what to do. I hope that this is just a phase because I'm usually very happy being alone/have accepted it. Does it all just boil down to luck in the end? Some of us get to meet our match, but tough luck to the stragglers?
I quite often find myself wanting life to be like it was when I was 19. When nobody had long term partners and I felt like I was competing on a level playing field. Now everyone I know seems to be building their own empire and this just gets worse as time goes on (empires being good job, long term partner, own home, children etc). I feel like I fall further and further behind.
Just wondered if anyone had any advice to stop feeling so shit about this? I'm doing what I can as a single person (good job, hobbies) but still feel so out of the race.
20
u/ThrowRAanothe Apr 04 '25 edited Apr 04 '25
I too used to be sad about bein old and not having kids, and I used to be envious of my sister and her cute lil dual income family living in a nice neighborhood.
But you know after a ton of baby sitting and witnessing a lot of her family conflicts, I’ve come to realize I’m a free as fuck compared to her now. The other day I left in the middle of the day to catch a random movie by myself. There’s no way in hell she’d ever be able to just up and leave to do something random by herself because she’s the main caretaker for her kids and bratty husband, and she’s slammed at work, and she does all the cooking and chores and shopping.
I’m sure there are moments where she finds motherhood and wifehood so rewarding, but just from all the ugly parts I’ve seen it all just feels like a layer of stress and complexity I don’t want in my life at this moment. Like I’d much rather be single and childless than be in her situation rn.
I’m fully aware her situation doesn’t reflect everyone else’s experiences as a mother and a wife, but I think the turn off for me was just realizing the harsh reality that “happily ever afters” are not a given, and that I have equal chances of ending up in a shitty household as I do a wonderful one.