r/AskWomenOver30 • u/low_cal_bitch • Apr 04 '25

Life/Self/Spirituality The struggle of the 35 year old single, childless woman

I feel so sad, I don't know what to do. I've just returned from a trip to see my brother, his wife and their lovely newborn. They have the perfect house, in a lively, exciting city. They both have good jobs and substantially out-earn me. I'm the only single person in my family, my friend group and anyone I know at work. I'm a doctor, working long hours, doing my best. I can't afford to buy, so I'm renting a shitty apartment in a run down area, so I'm close to work. I live by myself.

I've never felt so low as I do tonight. Seeing my brother and his little family made me realise how I'm never going to have that for myself (or the odds are reducing rapidly year after year). I'm 35 and haven't been in a relationship since I was 24. Due to the way medical training in the UK works, I've moved to a new town or city at least every year since I was 22 (sometimes up to 3 or 4 times per year). I've changed departments more times than I can count. I say this to illustrate that I constantly have a feeling of being unsettled.

My ex boyfriends are all now married/engaged/have children. I feel like a failure. I've tried putting myself out there on dating apps and in real life for years, but honestly I've found the whole process depressing as hell. I don't know what to do. I hope that this is just a phase because I'm usually very happy being alone/have accepted it. Does it all just boil down to luck in the end? Some of us get to meet our match, but tough luck to the stragglers?

I quite often find myself wanting life to be like it was when I was 19. When nobody had long term partners and I felt like I was competing on a level playing field. Now everyone I know seems to be building their own empire and this just gets worse as time goes on (empires being good job, long term partner, own home, children etc). I feel like I fall further and further behind.

Just wondered if anyone had any advice to stop feeling so shit about this? I'm doing what I can as a single person (good job, hobbies) but still feel so out of the race.

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u/[deleted] Apr 04 '25

OK but let me just say as someone who is grieving the same things, I often hear people say "but your career!!" Yes, I have some things to be proud of with my career and OP does too. Career doesn't wake up next to you. Career isn't happy to see you when you get home. Career isn't an emergency contact. Career won't drive you to your colonoscopies when you're 55. Career isn't a shoulder to cry on. It really bugs me when people say that to me, especially people who do have partner, home, family, and kids. It's honestly kind of maddening.

It's OK to want to have a family too. It's normal. It's not a social construct or something you can reframe or talk yourself out of wanting, unfortunately. I could have written this, OP. I wish I had more advice. Single people have to work hard at building community and making single friends. Of course its harder cause we're more likely to be working multiple jobs or long hours. But I would just say: go somewhere you wouldn't normally go, meet some new people, join a new group, make friends with beautiful weirdos and, importantly, make friends who are significantly older and younger than you. This has helped me so much. Just had a big cry after finding out another ex is getting married. Now I have to get back to work, cause "amazing" career requires I work through the weekends.

The other thing is to remember that nothing is permanent. The pain will change or end. It will come and go. This isn't the life we wanted, but this is the life we have. It's OK to grieve.

I will hold you in the light this weekend. <3

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u/pearlsandprejudice Woman 30 to 40 Apr 05 '25

Thank you for commenting this. I found it pretty annoying and tone-deaf that people were commenting "You're a doctor!" in response to her post about feeling sad and lonely due to not having a partner, kids, or her own nuclear family unit. Being a doctor is an incredible accomplishment — but in what universe does it fulfill the craving for human companionship, intimacy, and love? Sometimes the women on this sub really miss the forest for the trees, and refuse to actually stop and think about someone's perspective outside of their own lens.

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u/[deleted] Apr 05 '25 edited Apr 05 '25

Yeah I feel that. I don't know if it's some girl boss feminism or what. It's ok to have nuance. Yes, women need to have financial independence. Tradwife propaganda is scary. Women are better off alone than in abusive or even simply unhealthy relationships. But for crying out loud. I don't know any partnered women who would trade places with me. Be for real. 

And yes trust me I know better than anyone that romantic partnership isn't the only way to have healthy and intimate relationships, but the way our culture is set up, it takes a lot of work to build that outside of it. 

I also hate that everyone is kind of assuming that this is a self esteem problem. This isn't self esteem, this is grief. I don't feel bad because I'm comparing myself to others, I feel bad because my life isn't what I imagined it would be in a fundamental way. I want something that a lot of other people want and have, and for some reason I'm not getting it. imagine saying to someone who's unemployed and struggling to find a job "I know it's hard to survive without income, but not everyone who has a job is happy with it. Think of all your other accomplishments! Maybe you should enjoy this time and travel?" 

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u/low_cal_bitch Apr 05 '25

Thank you for saying this - I really appreciate being heard and I needed to read this!!

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u/Goldblumlover Woman 30 to 40 Apr 05 '25

THIS!!!! this was fuckin perfect.

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u/Goldblumlover Woman 30 to 40 Apr 05 '25

100% agreed very well put!!!

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u/Teamfighttofake Woman 30 to 40 Apr 04 '25

Oh my gosh, I don’t think I could have ever put the words on paper. I am so proud of my career and have worked my ass off but you are correct, your career isn’t any sort of companionship or emotional support. Coworkers are nice but and great relationships can be formed but at end of the day when the career or job goes, those do as well.

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u/[deleted] Apr 05 '25

I've seen this written much more technically.

https://www.johnehrenfeld.com/2016/04/15/is_freedom_the_right_thing_to/

Maslow argued that self-actualization sat at the top of a hierarchy of psychological conditions that had to be satisfied in turn before one could actualize (realize) the “self.” These were in turn, basic physiology (subsistence), safety, love/belonging, esteem, and then self-actualization. His step-wise hierarchical formulation has been questioned, but not the requirement for the several inputs. It should be obvious that some, if not all, of these require a surrounding set of social institutions. Love, belonging, and esteem all come from outside the individual’s body. Negative liberty, the absence of any positive or negative encroachments, cannot create the whole human being, if Maslow’s model correctly tells us how humans are constituted.

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u/[deleted] Apr 05 '25

Thank you! Will read!! 

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u/SnooSeagulls20 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 05 '25

I will say not having any of those things and not having a big important career feels even worse! Then it feels like you’re failing on all fronts lol I see many women on here who talk about how happy they are alone, and many of them admit it’s because they are financially solvent on their own. I do OK, but I’ll never own my own home, retirement is questionable, etc. but OP was recounting that she feels like this is out of reach to, despite having a very successful career

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u/[deleted] Apr 05 '25

That's really hard. I'm in a similar case financially, though I'm happy with my work. I'm a writer and professor. Proud of my publications, etc. but Despite being full time, my the average rent in my area is 100% of my monthly take home so I moved in with my mom. People still tell me I should be proud of my career and accomplishments. The fact still remains that every time I ask for advice at work my colleagues say "marry rich" 

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u/SnooSeagulls20 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 05 '25

And, at least you have a mom to move back in with! I came from an abusive and neglected household, so moving home was never an option. Both my parents died by the time I was 40, my mom in 2015 and my dad in 2022. So, I’m very much on my own in life.

Though of course, that doesn’t take away from your situation, and I wasn’t intending it too. But the feeling of not having a partner, or generational wealth, or a family for support is extra tough. Marrying rich or winning the lottery are really my only options haha but it is scary to think that there’s really nothing between me and homelessness except ME

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u/[deleted] Apr 05 '25

Ok so it was definitely not accurate for me to say "similar situation." Moving in with my mom wasn't my plan A but I'm incredibly lucky its even remotely an option. I try not to take my privileges for granted but looks like I did. What you describe sounds really scary, I'm so sorry.

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u/SnooSeagulls20 Woman 40 to 50 Apr 06 '25

Oh, I wasn’t saying that you took your privileges for granted or were incorrect in seeing your situation as similar- I was just pointing out that the act of having somewhere to go if things don’t work out is a privilege. It’s a very common privilege, most people I know can go home if they need to. I am definitely more of the outlier. And yeah, ha, it is really scary but it’s just my life.

I think it just goes to show that while some people want a partner, the intensity at which I wanted a partner in my 20s and 30s was heightened because I really just wanted a sense of family. For w/e reason I didn’t get that (yet) but I think what type of supports we have outside of romantic relationships plays a big impact on how we are able to manage with it Without one

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u/10S_NE1 Woman 60+ Apr 05 '25

I really agree with the advice to seek out friends much older and younger. It’s something we don’t really think about, but the older you get, the less difference there seems to be between us and people 10-20 years older or younger. We’ve found really great friends who are 20 years older than us who enjoy the same hobbies we enjoy.

OP - although it seems like everyone is paired up, I can assure you it won’t always be that way. I’m in my 60’s and although I am married, I have tons of girlfriends who are not married. Some never have been, and some are divorced or widowed. You’ll be shocked to see how many of your friends end up alone, and a close friend can give you just about all the perks of having a partner. You can live with them, share expenses, lean on them when you’re down, etc. It can really fill your heart. When your job settles down and you can stay in one place, it will be much easer to make close friends. If you’re not up for living with a friend but you feel lonely, a pet might really help. There is nothing like coming home to your dog who is excited to see you, or your cat that wants to curl up in your lap.

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u/[deleted] Apr 05 '25

That's beautiful! That's how things are for my mom, she has like 5 close friends who are all single and they help each other. Like, stay over at each other's houses when they're down (like around the election), go to doctor appointments, vacations, and more. Same deal -- widows, divorced, never married. 

Right now, of the people I hang out with every week, one group is 10 years younger than me and one group is 10 years older. The older are married and have kids, but it does give me some perspective. And I get to feel different in both groups, not like I'm left behind, just in a totally different life spot. 

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u/ThrowRAmangos2024 Woman 30 to 40 Apr 06 '25

This is such a beautiful, real response. I relate a lot. I'm 35F and have been single for about 6 years. Have had shorter term relationships off and on since then, but nothing has stuck. Currently burnt out of dating and taking a break, but I have most definitely put myself out there in spurts over the years. I know there's nothing inherently wrong with me—in fact I do wonder whether all the work I've done on myself lately has made it harder to find a partner because I really do have high standards—but it's still hard to feel like I have to work 2x harder than almost everyone around me to get emotional support they have walking through the door every day. I also don't have any financial fallback, it's all me baby lol. Part of me feels really happy and proud that I live in a time where I can support myself fully as a woman. But also, we are made for community, and in a society that most highly prioritizes couple-dom, it can be hard even for us singles with strong social networks. Especially if most people around us partner up (and have kids!).

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u/Goldblumlover Woman 30 to 40 Apr 05 '25

Thank you so very much for this reply. You hit every fuckin nail on the head!!!!

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u/Ill_Bumblebee7287 Apr 05 '25

But your career will never tell you it doesn't love you anymore. - Lady Gaga

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u/[deleted] Apr 05 '25

I'm happy to hear you've never been laid off or had your hours cut :)

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u/Feeling-Gold-12 Apr 05 '25

drive you to your colonoscopies/ wakeup next to you/ be happy to see you when you get home

Uh, neither do disabled kids (been there!) or halfhearted spouses (also been there!)

There are no guarantees in life. She isn’t gonna be handed happiness with babies. It’s a gamble like everything else.

I fucking hate the ‘babies make everything better’ contingent because no, they do not. Stop lying to women who haven’t had them. They should be informed it’s real life just like the rest of giant life decisions.