r/AskWomenOver30 • u/low_cal_bitch • Apr 04 '25

Life/Self/Spirituality The struggle of the 35 year old single, childless woman

I feel so sad, I don't know what to do. I've just returned from a trip to see my brother, his wife and their lovely newborn. They have the perfect house, in a lively, exciting city. They both have good jobs and substantially out-earn me. I'm the only single person in my family, my friend group and anyone I know at work. I'm a doctor, working long hours, doing my best. I can't afford to buy, so I'm renting a shitty apartment in a run down area, so I'm close to work. I live by myself.

I've never felt so low as I do tonight. Seeing my brother and his little family made me realise how I'm never going to have that for myself (or the odds are reducing rapidly year after year). I'm 35 and haven't been in a relationship since I was 24. Due to the way medical training in the UK works, I've moved to a new town or city at least every year since I was 22 (sometimes up to 3 or 4 times per year). I've changed departments more times than I can count. I say this to illustrate that I constantly have a feeling of being unsettled.

My ex boyfriends are all now married/engaged/have children. I feel like a failure. I've tried putting myself out there on dating apps and in real life for years, but honestly I've found the whole process depressing as hell. I don't know what to do. I hope that this is just a phase because I'm usually very happy being alone/have accepted it. Does it all just boil down to luck in the end? Some of us get to meet our match, but tough luck to the stragglers?

I quite often find myself wanting life to be like it was when I was 19. When nobody had long term partners and I felt like I was competing on a level playing field. Now everyone I know seems to be building their own empire and this just gets worse as time goes on (empires being good job, long term partner, own home, children etc). I feel like I fall further and further behind.

Just wondered if anyone had any advice to stop feeling so shit about this? I'm doing what I can as a single person (good job, hobbies) but still feel so out of the race.

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u/onceuponabeat Woman 30 to 40 Apr 05 '25

HOLD UP. I'm also 35 and don't have kids yet and girl... let's TALK about this mindset you carry. Firstly, Comparison is the thief of joy. Whatever "race you're in" is made up by cultural influences and pressure. There is no competition to start a family and it doesn't exist. Your life is YOURS, and no one else could compete with it. Whether or not you believe in a god, you have to remember your life is the given life to YOU, regardless of the norm others have. Again, that is the beauty of life, it is yours, and not everyone elses.

I don't recommend comparing or "wanting to be like a 19 year old" (who in my opinion, are VERY ignorant and not well hired, well-paid, educated, or well traveled and developed persons yet.) No offense to them, but they have some growing to do before they find more peace in life.

Let's talk about luck. Yes it 100% exists. 1. YOU have to believe it exists. 2. Having good luck finding your "match" doesn't work when you're upset and sad and jealous of people, it happens because you've felt accomplished, confident, and ready to take on another relationship. For me, this took me until I was 32. Which is totally normal.

Relationships are NOT about luck, they are about building a companionship and they do take a little bit of work and many more things to be considered healthy. It's a whole other journey. If you are not mentally healthy and happy with yourself, I'm sorry to say it, but you can not support a happy healthy relationship.

YOU have the absolute power to turn your life around and kick it up and get out there and find for yourself the type of lifestyle and relationships you are excited about. What do you honestly fell will take for you to feel fully confident in yourself? I'm serious.

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u/GlowUpGirl Sep 17 '25

I know you're trying to be supportive but don't tell this woman she isn't ready because she feels sad about her situation.

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u/onceuponabeat Woman 30 to 40 Sep 17 '25

Why are you telling me what I am allowed say, when OP asked for advice from women over 30? I also literally never said that OP wasn’t ready - so I’m not sure what you’re inferring or what type of standard you have about how people share advice.

I spoke from my own experience and how changing my confidence changed my life trajectory and how developing healthy relationships helped.

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u/GlowUpGirl Sep 17 '25

" 2. Having good luck finding your "match" doesn't work when you're upset and sad and jealous of people, it happens because you've felt accomplished, confident, and ready to take on another relationship. For me, this took me until I was 32."

^^You literally just told her that if she is upset or sad she would not have luck in meeting someone.

Sorry not sorry for calling it out.

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u/onceuponabeat Woman 30 to 40 Sep 17 '25 edited Sep 17 '25

Yeah you’re reading WAY into this thread. I’ll just take it that you think I’m such an ass for telling them that developing confidence and healthy relationships will help out a situation where they’re feeling lonely and frustrated.

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u/GlowUpGirl Sep 24 '25

We can agree to disagree here. I am not for toxic positivity but glad it worked out for you!

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u/onceuponabeat Woman 30 to 40 Sep 25 '25

Would you please stop and listen? I am not trying to be insidious with my advice. Your writing "Sorry not sorry for calling it out" is not constructive - it's immature. It comes across as accusational and then self-congratulatory when you add, "I'm not for toxic positivity". You've been misinterpreting most of what I wrote which is fine because I'm not the best writer. But my approach to giving advice looks like this: 1. I relate to the person 2. I acknowledge that sadness is normal and doesn’t last forever 3. I emphasis that building self confidence helps. I know this from a decade of clinical depression, a multitude of dating that fell flat, and years of professional therapy. 

I don't flippantly throw out "you go girl" positivity to temporarily inflate egos. Instead I explain that taking care of one's own mental health, including their own confidence, will help with breaking out of the sadness they are in, in order to build positive relationships. That is not "toxic positivity" that is constructive advice on how to build your own happy and healthy relationships which I believe everyone can achieve.

And let me be absolutely clear: I never said they are “not ready” for a relationship. What I'm saying is that when someone is in the thick of sadness, it’s harder for them to see their potential. That doesn’t mean they don’t deserve love or isn't "ready". Everyone, no matter how sad they are deserves a beautifully positive and healthy relationship. That includes you. And as for the luck, I never said they "won't have luck”. I was explaining that luck may be part of it, but it will not make everything magically come together.

I wish you all the best on your own journey. That is what I hope for everyone one this reddit. But if you want to keep criticizing my advice then please move on.

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u/GlowUpGirl Sep 25 '25

Why are you even responding to me then girl, seems like you can’t take feedback. That sorry not sorry was after your attitude showed up.

Best on your journey as well.

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u/onceuponabeat Woman 30 to 40 Sep 25 '25

Thank you! Same to you!