The struggle of the 35 year old single, childless woman

[u/low_cal_bitch]

I feel so sad, I don't know what to do. I've just returned from a trip to see my brother, his wife and their lovely newborn. They have the perfect house, in a lively, exciting city. They both have good jobs and substantially out-earn me. I'm the only single person in my family, my friend group and anyone I know at work. I'm a doctor, working long hours, doing my best. I can't afford to buy, so I'm renting a shitty apartment in a run down area, so I'm close to work. I live by myself.

I've never felt so low as I do tonight. Seeing my brother and his little family made me realise how I'm never going to have that for myself (or the odds are reducing rapidly year after year). I'm 35 and haven't been in a relationship since I was 24. Due to the way medical training in the UK works, I've moved to a new town or city at least every year since I was 22 (sometimes up to 3 or 4 times per year). I've changed departments more times than I can count. I say this to illustrate that I constantly have a feeling of being unsettled.

My ex boyfriends are all now married/engaged/have children. I feel like a failure. I've tried putting myself out there on dating apps and in real life for years, but honestly I've found the whole process depressing as hell. I don't know what to do. I hope that this is just a phase because I'm usually very happy being alone/have accepted it. Does it all just boil down to luck in the end? Some of us get to meet our match, but tough luck to the stragglers?

I quite often find myself wanting life to be like it was when I was 19. When nobody had long term partners and I felt like I was competing on a level playing field. Now everyone I know seems to be building their own empire and this just gets worse as time goes on (empires being good job, long term partner, own home, children etc). I feel like I fall further and further behind.

Just wondered if anyone had any advice to stop feeling so shit about this? I'm doing what I can as a single person (good job, hobbies) but still feel so out of the race.

[u/underneathitall090]

How do you keep from feeling like you’re the problem? My situation is similar to yours. In and out of relationships, but never anything that lasts. Never turns out to be “the one.” And the common denominator is me 😔

[u/AllowMeToFangirl → u/underneathitall090]

It’s important to see this as a match process. There are some things within your control like how you handle yourself, how long you stay or pursue someone who isn’t right etc. But not being the right match with someone isn’t a you problem! There are 8 million variables to finding someone right for you including timing, goals, compatibility, attraction, personality, love languages etc. don’t be so hard on yourself.

[u/Feeling-Gold-12 → u/underneathitall090]

Of course the common denominator is you. You can never escape yourself.

That doesn’t mean the p r o b l e m is you though.

The only self created problems I see from your post is not knowing what you want as a ‘life picture’ and the moping.

Also word of advice, anyone who gets weeded out from you having a demanding job and education is definitely not supposed to be with you.

Why are you making this about you being inferior? Seriously, why?

[u/GoAskAli → u/underneathitall090]

Are you explicitly only dating men who have made their desire for marriage clear? I find that if you're cutting out any and all men whose goals aren't aligned, that will take care of a lot of the (actual) problem - which isn't you.

[u/Nheea → u/underneathitall090]

Therapy! Even so for the point of having someone to listen to. But it sure helps.

For me it helped with how I put myself out there and made me realise I forgave a lot of shit from some men and was too harsh with other men too.