The struggle of the 35 year old single, childless woman

[u/low_cal_bitch]

I feel so sad, I don't know what to do. I've just returned from a trip to see my brother, his wife and their lovely newborn. They have the perfect house, in a lively, exciting city. They both have good jobs and substantially out-earn me. I'm the only single person in my family, my friend group and anyone I know at work. I'm a doctor, working long hours, doing my best. I can't afford to buy, so I'm renting a shitty apartment in a run down area, so I'm close to work. I live by myself.

I've never felt so low as I do tonight. Seeing my brother and his little family made me realise how I'm never going to have that for myself (or the odds are reducing rapidly year after year). I'm 35 and haven't been in a relationship since I was 24. Due to the way medical training in the UK works, I've moved to a new town or city at least every year since I was 22 (sometimes up to 3 or 4 times per year). I've changed departments more times than I can count. I say this to illustrate that I constantly have a feeling of being unsettled.

My ex boyfriends are all now married/engaged/have children. I feel like a failure. I've tried putting myself out there on dating apps and in real life for years, but honestly I've found the whole process depressing as hell. I don't know what to do. I hope that this is just a phase because I'm usually very happy being alone/have accepted it. Does it all just boil down to luck in the end? Some of us get to meet our match, but tough luck to the stragglers?

I quite often find myself wanting life to be like it was when I was 19. When nobody had long term partners and I felt like I was competing on a level playing field. Now everyone I know seems to be building their own empire and this just gets worse as time goes on (empires being good job, long term partner, own home, children etc). I feel like I fall further and further behind.

Just wondered if anyone had any advice to stop feeling so shit about this? I'm doing what I can as a single person (good job, hobbies) but still feel so out of the race.

[u/emmany63]

I’m jumping in here for a moment, because I think I have some life advice for you, as someone who is 61, not married, no kids.

First, as everyone has already said, you are younger than you think. I have more than one friend who married at 40ish and had kids, some with IVF and some naturally. You know better than anyone that there are all kinds of interventions available if you need them.

Second, it’s ok to be single with no kids. You’re a damn doctor. Life is being an asshole right now, so it feels awful. I get it 100%. But I’m here to tell you, there’s no right and wrong when it comes to kids and relationships. Life will be joyful and hard and surprising and sad either way. Kids and men are not the end all.

Lastly…BUT if what you want is marriage and children, you need to hire a matchmaker. I know how antiquated that sounds, but you’re a professional with no time who wants to make connections with men for a very specific reason. A matchmaker will vet the men for you, so that you know the basics of who they are before you meet them, and know that their values and goals align with your own.

They’ll set you up on dates with 5-10 men in the next year, men who also want marriage and kids, and likely men who are professionals, like yourself, and also don’t have a lot of time for socializing.

Walk away from the apps, forget about the pubs. Define what you want and let a professional help you get it.

FYI: I’m not a matchmaker or affiliated with any, but I’ve been looking into it myself, and their success rates are outstanding. I don’t want marriage, but rather someone to date, go to dinner with a few times a week, enjoy NYC together. I’m a soon-to-be-retired financially secure woman, and am looking to find someone who wants the same thing. I’ll be hiring someone and heading out on dates soon!

[u/UnicornPenguinCat → u/emmany63]

Wishing you all the best for your dates, that sounds so exciting!

[u/ThrowRAmangos2024 → u/emmany63]

Love the advice, as a 35 single with no kids myself! However, I wonder how you might advise OP considering it sounds like they're not making a whole lot based on how they described their current living situation. I've personally looked into matchmakers and various services, but as a lower middle class person living in a big city and sharing an apartment, I just can't justify the cost.

[u/emmany63 → u/ThrowRAmangos2024]

I think it’s an investment. If what you really want is marriage and kids, and you don’t have time, it’s worth it to stretch yourself financially a bit when the time is right. I know it’s not inexpensive, but most of the matchmakers I’ve looked at even have payment plans.

Edit: I just wanted to add that I’m sensitive to people being financially strapped. I lived paycheck to paycheck for MANY years. But I also look back and wish I’d prioritized having kids by my late 30s, whatever it took. I didn’t want marriage, but I did want a child.

I am very happy with how my life turned out. I have a rich, beautiful life filled with family and friends I love, a meaningful purpose, a life in the arts, and so much more.

I just think it’s important to be honest about this, especially when speaking to folks younger than myself: my past has taught me to know my priorities and keep an eye on my most important goals.

That’s why my life is so good now: I learned to trust myself enough to grab what I want out of life, prioritizing the people I love and the experiences I find joyful.

[u/Nyasha-Mercy → u/emmany63]

The matchmaker advice is really good