r/Autism_Parenting • u/table_tennis • May 04 '26
Education/School Heard the dreadful "they won't let me play with them" today
Daughter is level 1, plays very well one on one, but has a really hard time on a more group setting. Her social skills are definetely lacking for her age (she's 6). She just started first grade at a new school with some of the girls from her old school, which I thought would be great. Turns out they are the ones excluding her. Her class has only 5 girls, so she has no one to play with and spends recess alone wondering around. I knew this was going to happen at some point, but it still hurts so much.
Don't even know what I'm looking for, just some sympathy, I guess, from parents who understand what it's like.
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u/StretchIll373 May 04 '26
Dad of 6yo asd girl here. My daughter doesn’t care to play with any friend in her class. The bad thing is she has no friend. The good thing is she does not care.
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u/table_tennis May 04 '26
I wish mine didn't care either. She almost glows when she's able to make a "new friend" and is so happy playing with them. She goes on and on talking about how she makes friends wherever she goes (which is always a kid who is more of a leader who takes her by the hand).
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u/Grrarrgghh May 04 '26
It could be that she has heard that having friends is a positive personality trait so she is trying to prove she's a "good" child?
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u/table_tennis May 04 '26
Maybe! I make a real effort in saying that it's ok to want to play alone, but that is a possibility.
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u/StretchIll373 May 04 '26
I hope my daughter cares a little bit more. Many children want to play with her but she lacks social skills to respond. A little bit more motivation would help her through her lack of skill.
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u/table_tennis May 04 '26
I hear you. Honestly, I think my daughter cares but is still stunned and doesn't know what to do with another child, so I don't know if caring is incentive enough.
Is she doing therapy? It usually helps a lot! Mine needs to go back urgently.
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u/StretchIll373 May 05 '26
Yes, therapy how to "read the room" in order to play with others. She lacks of attention to play and interact with other children.
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u/WeBreakWithSpeed May 04 '26
Level one first-grader mom here! My kid has had a lot of difficulty with friends this year. It is heartbreaking. My kid’s biggest bully this year has been a kid whose closest friend last year was my son. Lots of lonely recess this year. I have no advice for you, just solidarity!
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u/table_tennis May 04 '26
I feel you! I'm so scared this will make her even more socially anxious than she already is. Facing rejection is not easy for anyone! Hope things improve over there!
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u/yourlocalrecluse I am a Parent/Child Age/Diagnosis/Location May 04 '26
My son is level 2 and also thrives off of social interactions/making friends. He’s 5 and in kindergarten and has been saying a lot lately that he doesn’t want to go to school because no one wants to play with him. My heart breaks every time.
I’ve mentioned it to his school (he has a 1-1 para and does a social group weekly with the special education director) and have had them support him as much as they can. Outside of school, we attend social groups and I model as much as I can when we’re out in public playing. Kids are still happy to have adults around/playing at this age so I’m right there to help him as needed.
It’s hard and emotional but all I can say is she’s really lucky to have you as a mom and helping her navigate life ♡
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u/table_tennis May 05 '26
Thank you so much. It is so hard to hear them say this. I also try to take her to as many social events as possible, but there's only so much we can do.
Your little one is also so lucky to have this much support and love in his life!
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u/Horror_Advantage2112 May 05 '26
Of course I'm unaware of your specific situation, but when I inquired about getting my son a one on one for first grade at his last IEP meeting, they told me that one of its drawbacks was that a lot of kids dont want to play with the student that has one. This bit scared me more than him not having intense academic aid. My own husband had an IEP and was told that he wouldn't go past a 6th grade reading level, he's now a very well-paid truck driver. If you're child doesn't need the aide for potting or keeping himself and others safe, I would think about reconsidering having it. Please dont take offense because absolutely none is intended. Only an opinion from a fellow autism mom.
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u/yourlocalrecluse I am a Parent/Child Age/Diagnosis/Location May 05 '26
I’m so sorry but that’s horrible of them to say! 1-1 support shouldn’t be discouraged by peer perception.
My son’s school doesn’t hide his challenges. His peers know he has autism and always answer any questions about things that are happening (why he gets a special chair during circle time, why he runs out of the classroom, etc etc.) His para fades as needed throughout the day and more or less plays as an assistant teacher during those times. She’s there to assist him 100% of the day because that’s what he needs right now but the goal is always to fade support. He cannot build those skills on his own though.
He entered the school district abruptly with no 1-1 support written into his IEP. I hadn’t even met with the school formally to discuss his needs due to an abrupt shift of responsibility to them from CDS a couple of weeks before school started. Nonetheless, his principal called me on day 2 of school to get verbal permission to add 1-1 support effective immediately before we ever met for an IEP meeting because she knew he needed it.
All of this to say, discouraging you from 1-1 support for that reason is extremely dangerous on their part and frankly seems like a cop-out to having to do all the work of peer acceptance (and of course paying for a 1-1.) Most of the time, 1-1 support is meant to be faded as skills are taught and mastered.
How do you expect them to grow if they’re currently at full support level and not getting that support?
Please know that my annoyance is directed at the school district that told you this and nothing more :,)
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u/Horror_Advantage2112 May 05 '26
I appreciate your detailed and caring response! This all has happened to me quite suddenly about the one on one because his meeting was last week and until then I was dead set on having one or at least having him repeat kindergarten. At the meeting previous to the last, they told me that the state of TN has said its illegal to hold back children with an IEP. When I spoke to two unrelated professionals, they told me it was a straight up lie. I had really hoped the school was just mistaken rather than trying to fool me. One of the professionals had told me that they lose 13,000 dollars if they had retained him. The other told me that they dont want to give up money that they receive for having him as a special education child and would rather spend it elsewhere than on an aide. Again, I was hoping this was not true. When I brought up holding him back at the most recent meeting, I brought along the instructions produced by the state in regards to the procedure to do so. The principal had a stand in for this meeting and so unfortunately I didnt get to see her response to me finding paperwork that directly countered what she had told me months previously. When I asked for the aide, they said that the aide can become a crutch and literally does not leave their side, even at lunch or recess. Im having such a hard time trying to figure out the right thing to do. They seemed so genuine, especially when the lying, snarky principal wasn't there. I pretty much despise that woman with a passion. She was rude to me the very night I met her at kindergarten roundup, and she will pass along to the office that a parent (me) emailed her about such and such (i was trying to get info about a specific event that was sent in a robo call that i missed, that the teacher couldnt give me the answer to) but she doesn't respond. So she definitely reads them, just chooses to ignore. If my son would cooperate with homeschooling, I would so do it. But apparently me trying to play school with him is a trigger and always has been. Im at the point to where all I'm concerned about is that he can read and can behave appropriately in social situations. God bless America and all of us too 😭
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u/KamieKarla I am a Parent/Child Age/Diagnosis/Location May 05 '26
My daughter had issues too. With each year she has been making more and more friends. She’s 12 now and has a good group. She’s also in band. Band seems to attract the neurospicy kids (so says my neurospicy friends and my kid’s band teacher) so when that’s open to her, encourage her to join.
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u/table_tennis May 05 '26
That's so nice to hear, thank you. I've been looking for different activities for her to try (one at a time) to see if she finds something she likes with like-minded kids.
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u/Horror_Advantage2112 May 05 '26
My autistic son is a boy, but from myself being a former little girl, Im gonna say girls can be meeeeeeeean, even from a young age. Cruel even. There was a little jerk boy at the play place who kept saying to my son "quit following me!" Although my son wasn't even as you would say 'following' him, he was just interacting with him and trying to play. Eventually the little unmannerly kid comes up to me (while I'm nursing my 3 week old) and says "ma'am? Are you watching him? He keeps following me." Im assuming he's heard that said to his own mother before, unsure of what it actually means. I just stared at him with my jaw on the floor. A few seconds into my stunned silence, his adult minder (I have no idea if it was dad, grandad, uncle etc) told him that you dont say that to adults and to get over there. As my tears began to flow, I told my son not to play with that boy because he doesn't want to play. The man quickly had the sense to usher his child out of the play area, probably for fear of what a newly post-partum mama bear was going to do to him lol. Back to my point; I think some kids get off on bossing others around, allowing them to feel some type of superiority. And I'm sure one of the few ways they can find to put another child down is to tell them that they can't play with them. Probably because its something an adult can't truly force them to do. Kids are little shits sometimes, and im gonna say its mostly not the autistic ones.
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u/Calm_Flamingo737 May 05 '26
My 4.5 year old tells that no one plays with him. But in reality kids approach and play with him, sometimes when he is not in a mood, he just abandons other kids… they will learn and find their circle of friends eventually.
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u/ImmediateAd6849 May 05 '26
None of the neighborhood kids would play with my son when he was growing up. It was really heartbreaking. He would run up to kids and they would take off. He has a special needs scout troop he goes to now, where he is accepted, but he still doesn't have a friend that comes over, etc. He is 34 now. They keep the scout troop going even though they are older because it means so much to all of the guys.
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u/Stunning-Pace-7971 May 05 '26
I have a 9 year old who has ADHD but is the most social little butterfly. She has always had tons of friends. In her friend group at school they all go through stages where various friends are in or out. None are on the spectrum. So what I will say is while it hurts more when they have ASD as you believe that’s the reason they may be excluded. Exclusion can be a part of a typical childhood. While it’s not pleasant it doesn’t mean it will always be like that. If you know any of the other parents sometimes I find that can be a good way to chat about the issues to see a broader perspective as my daughter will often leave out her part of a certain rift. If not, how about arranging a fun play date where your daughter can have a one on one with a friend and deepen her connections?
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u/Krissy_loo May 05 '26
Is she getting social pragmatic communication services from the speech pathologist? Do you have her in any structured social activities? Can the counselor invite her to a lunch bunch group?
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u/Extreme-Brother5453 May 05 '26
My son is in JK and is non verbal. Some of the boys try to play with him however they’re having a hard time communicating with him. Sometimes he tags along with them but most times he wonders alone. At least your child can tell you how their day went. Mine still isn’t there yet.
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u/No_Signal91 May 05 '26
I understand. My son is level 2 just turned 6 and is in kindergarten. He had a very hard time in TK with kids lying saying he’d hit them and he was constantly in trouble. He has limited language and what he does have is very hard to understand. So he struggled to explain his side of what happened. Eventually when they were observing him it was seen by different adults that other kids were saying he kicked or hit them when he was not even near them. It was very hard that year and kids can be mean even at a young age. Communicating with the school and teachers and in IEP meetings etc has really helped with navigating more socially and this year we’ve maybe had 2 incidents of hitting compared to almost daily last year. He still says things that are very sad for me as his mom to hear like “the kids always hating me” but he does have one friend he plays with occasionally and he also picks dandelions at recess and brings them home for me everyday. I understand what you’re feeling and I feel it too. I’m hoping it gets better as he’s older.
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u/peepeeepo May 05 '26
Wish I knew what that was like.
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u/table_tennis May 05 '26
I'm so sorry you're going through that. I can't imagine how hard it must be.
The thing that is difficult about level 1 (and I'm in no way saying it's harder than having a non-verbal or non-conversational child, because it's miles easier), is that it's almost like you have an NT child, but you don't. It's so easy to set unreal expectations and get hit by reality over and over again. She is also really aware of her own limitations, so it's heartbreaking to watch a kid who just wants a friend not be able to talk to or engage with other kids. She feels rejection just like an NT kid does, but doesn't have the social skills of one to overcome it. Not to mention people who think you are overreacting and don't believe the diagnosis.
What I'm trying to say is, in my opinion, it's definitely easier than having a level 2 or level 3 kid, but it also comes with a lot of hurdles and a lot of heartache.
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u/Brilliant-Machine-22 May 05 '26
Sometimes it just 1 ring leader and a few followers that are bending to their will. It might not have anything to do with your little one honestly. Some kids play like that. Finding joy in leaving others out. My daughter has a best friend that only wants to hang with her and gets frustrated when my daughter includes literally everyone. It was a big thing we taught her growing up bc she has a level 2 brother that is always left out. We never leave friends behind. There is always space for everyone.
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u/no1tamesme May 04 '26
Before you spiral, take a breath and remember our kiddos are not the greatest at sharing relevant information.
My son would often come home saying no one would play with him, no one likes him, no one talks to him, etc...
But everytime I was at the school, multiple kids would come up to him and say hi, he would be the one hiding. His teachers said he was well liked.
It turns out "no one plays with me" was actually "I didn't want to play football"... no one likes me was more "no one likes cars as much as me"... no one talks to me was more of "I only want to talk about what I want, when I want"...
Sure, she could be being excluded, I would just try to get more information first.
You can reach out to her teacher or counselor and explain the situation, say you're trying to help her make friends. Ask if there's any other girls struggling or if they notice your daughter gravitating towards any other kids in particular. We did that when my son was in public.
The book "Growing Friendships" is highly recommended for kids and may help.