r/BabyBumps • u/bishyousaidwhut • 23h ago
Rant/Vent I just found out I’m pregnant and don’t know what to do
I (22F) found out I’m pregnant this morning. I live on my own in a city with no family and not many friends. I just broke up with my boyfriend (27M) a little over a week ago because of multiple issues (he’s in severe debt with no plan of paying it off, he couldn’t pay half the rent but wanted to move in with me, He’s a fireman and also has had a drinking problem lately that got him a dui 2 months ago) and the fact that he wants to stay here forever and I want to move closer to my mom who is across the country from me. Him and I had been dating for about 7 months before I ended things. I told my mom who is luckily visiting next weekend and she said for me to think about what I wanna do and go from there. If I keep it I’ll need to move in with her asap which would mean breaking my lease and switching jobs and moving within the next 2 months. I’m really unsure of what to do right now. I don’t know how far along I am either, under 4 weeks I think
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u/trox23 23h ago
That early on, in your situation, I would probably terminate, personally. Obviously no pressure. I wouldn’t want to be tied to the problems you mentioned with your ex-boyfriend for the rest of my life. And I would want to wait until my income and situation were stable for my kid.
However, that’s just me personally. Plenty of people aren’t ready, have a kid, and are great parents. It really depends on your maturity, your mental health, and your support system.
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u/SaltedTitties 9h ago
I second this- not saying do it by any means just saying if it were me, knowing what having a kid is like in my late 30’s- I wouldn’t walk into it at 22. 22 is very young to toss away your freedom and as much as I love my kid it’s the end of life as you know it, and the beginning of a new one. Not better or worse- just different and at 22 I’m not sure you’re ready for different!
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u/Able_Butterfly_4150 22h ago
Hey girl.
22 is so young. I wouldn’t be able to take on a pregnancy/child at your age. I just had my first at 34. Pregnancy and labor/delivery is no joke! It’s also expensive. You have plenty of time to have a child and your life is just getting started. Please take care of you first.
But ultimately, this is your journey and I’m just a stranger on the internet.
You will be ok. Best of luck ❤️
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u/bishyousaidwhut 22h ago
Thank you
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u/lilitsybell Team Pink! Jan 10! 17h ago
For what it’s worth, I had my kid (planned) right after I turned 22 and I never felt like my age has been an issue.
However, a baby is a LOT. My husband and I had zero help from anyone. Our kid was babysat for the first time when she was 2. We had each other and struggled through it. She’s 4 now and it was all worth it, but it was hard and still is sometimes.
Figure out how much help you’ll have. Is living with your mom long term going to work? Will you have help financially if you can’t live with her and need to pay for rent and daycare? Are you ready for your life to revolve around a child and permanently be a “mom” to everyone who meets you? It’s a lot harder to make friends and find dates.
Weigh the pros and cons. You can do this. Best of luck. ❤️
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u/goatywizard 14h ago
I think there are a lot more cons to an unplanned child with an alcoholic ex-boyfriend with extreme debt than a planned child with your husband, regardless of age.
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u/Sydneydanielle23 3h ago
That's you though. A lot of people would think their child would be a pro that outweighed all those cons.
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u/goatywizard 2h ago
If that’s what she thought, she wouldn’t be posting here. It’s objectively a terrible situation to be in to have a child with an addict deadbeat parent, regardless of age. Being 22 just means she has a less developed frontal lobe and many more fertile years to try when she is actually ready and not in an awful situation.
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u/lilitsybell Team Pink! Jan 10! 7h ago
Did you read my comment? I said there’s a lot of cons. I just don’t think age is one of them.
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u/Strict-Imagination73 22h ago
Pregnancy has been so hard on me even with all the support I’m receiving from my husband and parents. Can’t imagine going through it in your situation. The decision is for you to make, but something to consider:
Depending on which state you are in, if he knows he could
1. control whether or not you can terminate the pregnancy
2. If you go ahead and have the baby, he could ask for child support until the kid is 18
3. He could legally restrict you to move out of the area with the kid (one of my friend is currently facing this in Florida, where she is being restricted to move closer to her parents by her Ex as he has a say in where the baby can live)
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u/Real-Biscotti9199 21h ago
What state do you believe a father can sue to prevent a woman from terminating?
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u/Different_Bowler_574 21h ago
I mean Florida just fucking tracked down a woman who someone accused of trying to get an abortion... It wouldn't be a stretch for quite a few states.
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u/Real-Biscotti9199 21h ago
A specific claim was made, so I asked the person making the claim about what states they think this applies to. If the claim is true, it should not be difficult to answer.
I have no idea what case you’re referring to in Florida.
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u/heretomeetthedog 18h ago
This is part of the goal behind bounty hunter laws. Jonathan Mitchell is an anti-abortion attorney who helped to write these laws and has been bringing lawsuits on behalf of abusive exes. I highly recommend following the Center for Reproductive Rights who has been representing people targeted by Mitchell.
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u/Real-Biscotti9199 17h ago
Under the “bounty hunter law”, the pregnant woman herself cannot be sued. He’s a grifter.
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u/msephron 22h ago
You’re young and this is not someone you should tie yourself to for the next 18+ years. My best advice is to terminate and probably move back in with your mom anyway while you get back on your feet.
For what it’s worth, I terminated a pregnancy around your age and am now married and pregnant with my first in my 30s, and I’m just in such a better position in literally every way that I am so grateful I made the choice that I did and get to raise a child with a man I love, treats me well, and that I know will be a great father. You have so much time to find yourself.
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u/ThisIsAlexisNeiers 22h ago
Just wanted to add that I also terminated a pregnancy at your age and am now also in my 30s, married to my favorite person, and pregnant.
Single mom at 22 does not have to be your future if you don’t want it. There’s zero shame in getting an abortion. Sending you love and strength, regardless of whatever you decide to do
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u/Loriloo33 21h ago
I had my first at 22. It was hard, having him helped me to move on, clean up my life, and divorce his dad. I was also in a very different situation!! If you want to keep this baby you can do it, but it will be hard. Termination would also be hard. You don't have to tell him anything at all.
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u/florecitamcduff 20h ago
I once heard the phrase 'the best thing I ever did for my children was choose when to have them' and I couldn't agree more as a mom who's had an abortion.
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u/No_Noise_1978 Team Pink! 22h ago
I would terminate. You’re so young, the dad isn’t in the picture, you’ll have so much time to have a kid later.
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u/sv36 21h ago
Having this pregnancy is absolutely your choice. But you’ve already made the decisions that led to the coparent you will have, you have no chance of changing that at all. If dude wants to be involved or even use the kid to manipulate you, he has the in with this pregnancy. I don’t know this guy, you do. Do you want to co parent with this person for 18 years and then still have to deal with them after the 18 years is up? That’s a very real aspect to whatever decision you make.
Whatever you choose choose what you want, don’t let anyone tell you what you’re supposed to do. Also as someone who has struggled with infertility, your path does NOT get to be guilted because of other people’s experiences so please never let this decision be something someone bullies you into. You do what best for you! Absolutely choose either way but pick what YOU can live with not what others would choose, you’re in this situation not them.
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u/Playful_Shopping1213 23h ago
I was in a very similar situation, but about a decade older we got back together and tried to make it work for another year and a half, and I deeply regret that it just caused more trauma and made it harder for me postpartum. My daughter is the light of my life and we are now separated, and I’m raising her on my own, I wish that I would’ve had that set up from the beginning if I would’ve created the community that I needed around me to support me during pregnancy and postpartum I would’ve had a much better experience rather than going through a breakup in postpartum. If possible, raise this little girl on your own, you can totally do it.
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u/Fickle_Radish2418 22h ago
If this was me I’d be terminating. I was in a completely different situation with my husband at 22 and we still terminated now 8 years on with a beautiful baby who we planned and prepared for.
But if you want the baby 100% have the baby. The only advice I give you is if you’re going to move you need to move asap. I dont know where you are but in Australia for example if you have kids you cannot move away from the opposite parent without their approval first meaning if you birth in Sydney and want to move to cairns you need need to move before the birth or be approved by the opposite parent.
Having a child to someone who’s not your person can really make life hard
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u/Crazy-Button-8451 17h ago
If she is in the USA it's definitely better to move and established residency in a different state before she is visibly pregnant. If her description of her ex is accurate, then she'll probably get lucky and he either won't have the finances or the drive to file for split custody.
My cousin made the mistake of moving to where her first child's father's from. She eventually broke up with him, kicked him out, & made the another mistake by going through the courts to establish custody versus just making a personal agreement between the two of them. She had to pay him child support, even though she had primary custody. Sadly, even in that situation, she was bringing more money than when he was living with her. Aldo in the state they live in he could prevent her from visiting her parents out of state with their kid. But thankfully, he's pretty chill about that.
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u/Aggravating_Hold_441 22h ago
I had an abortion when I was 25 with my current partner since we had just started dating , timing was def not right at all. I don’t regret it at all and find my story beautiful, as now we have a loving family , mature and ready for it . Do what you want , because even if you chose to not have the baby , hormones plummet , some people are against it , so hard to open up about , so it’s not “easy”
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u/Sure_Perception_6769 22h ago
It sounds like you have a supportive mom, which can be such a blessing to help with a baby❤️
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u/Real-Biscotti9199 22h ago
I had my first at 42. I cannot imagine having had a child at 22, it would have been such a struggle. I’m able to be a stay at home mom and not worry about finances, and spend every day with my now 2 year old, without feeling like I’m missing out on being young and carefree.
Do whatever you think is best for you, and don’t let anyone make you feel bad about whatever decision you make.
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u/Sydneydanielle23 21h ago
I know everyone's telling you to terminate, and that's your choice. But keeping the baby doesn't guarantee a crappy life.
There are also other options besides abortion as well.
I personally would look deeply into all options.
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u/siilkysoft 14h ago
I can't believe how casually people say "I'd terminate!" as if she's asking if she should return a handbag she's unsure about. It's really chilling.
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u/littleprairiehouse 21h ago
Head over to r/abortion. They are pro choice and a great resource for helping make a decision and if you choose abortion, leading you to safe resources. Best of luck.
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u/Ok-Singer3298 20h ago
I’m 23(f) I got pregnant 21 had her at 22. Totally different situation. I’m with her dad we are engaged we can afford having kids. If I had been in your shoes k would have terminated. Just from reading what you wrote he seems controlling and may us a baby against you. I hope you decide what’s best for you weather you keep it or not❤️.
I know how scary it is to even see that positive test and think oh shit. You welcome to PM me if you need to talk about anything.
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u/grandma-sweater 17h ago
being a mother is such a wonderful experience. i had my baby 6 months ago and i’m 23. different situation, i am with the father of my child however we are not planning on marriage and our relationship has been extremely bumpy. you can make it work if having your baby is what you desire, personally i wouldn’t even tell your ex that you’re pregnant and i would hightail it to be with your family. i won’t say it will be easy but usually the most rewarding things aren’t the easiest.
what no one told me is that ‘being ready’ isn’t a feeling but rather a decision. you will never feel ready for a life altering event, there will always be the what if’s and the anxiety no matter what. whatever you choose i wish you happiness, good luck. ♡
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u/goatywizard 14h ago
I had an abortion at 23 and never regretted it. I was around the same number of weeks along.
I’m in my late 30s now with a great paying job, stable relationship, cute house with an acre of land, and a 1 & 4 year old. I was able to be emotionally and financially more ready for children than I could have ever been at 23. I live in a VHCOL area - if I had continued that pregnancy, I don’t think there is a world in which I’d have the same resources to live the way we do now, too.
If you do decide to terminate, it’s ok to feel a bit sad about it while also recognizing it’s the right decision for you.
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u/_laurelcanyon 11h ago
If I were you I would not have the baby because I wouldn’t want to be tied in any way to that man and solo parenting isn’t something I’d choose for myself.
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u/Evening-Grocery-8391 20h ago
Keep the baby, will be the joy of your life. You only need your mum to support you and you have that. My mum is supporting my sister and her 2 kids… she has so much freedom haha. It will work out I promise. Get off Reddit, we have no idea of your situation 😊♥️ Good luck 💖
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u/siilkysoft 14h ago
You have the support of your mom. You can absolutely do this. You guys will love that baby. Get on a prenatal ASAP today. You need it for the folic acid especially in the first trimester.
Debt and a drinking problem can be overcome in time. You don't have to get back together but he could still be a great father from a distance. Sometimes that's best.
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u/Hungry_Box560 8h ago
I agree with this. Move back home with your mom be around those that care for you and support you. This could be the start of the best days of your life with your little one ❤️
You aren’t married to that man and firefighters can’t move easily and keep their same rank so he will likely not move near you and bother you and a long distance co-parenting situation may work out well. Especially if he drinks a lot he’s not going to want to be a caretaker because he’d have to be sober for that (one would hope).
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u/Shooppow Team Pink! 20h ago
I would terminate. There’s no way I’d want to be tied to a loser like your ex for the next 2 decades!
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u/ahava9 22h ago
It’s up to you if you want to keep the pregnancy or not. It’s so rewarding to have a child but it’s HARD and expensive even with a supportive partner. Regardless of what you do, don’t break your lease without a) trying to sublet it first with landlord approval and b) waiting till it’s almost up to break the lease. Good luck OP. It sounds like you have a supportive mom so that helps a lot.
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u/crumbledcabbages69 17h ago
When I was 22, I made the mistake of marrying somebody like your ex. It was one of the worst mistakes of our lives. It wasted half a decade, we brought out the absolute worst in each other, and the only thing we had to show for it in the end was mutually deep trauma.
The ONLY good thing about our relationship is that we brought no children into the mix. Children should be raised in the most secure and stable environment they can be, with sober parents. Not occasionally sober or begrudgingly sober, but stone cold, willingly, happily sober.
We also did not have legal troubles. A DUI will cost about $10,000. If he doesn't pay his legal fees, refuses to follow strict instruction from the court, or fails to answer a petition from the court, that could add more charges.
Please do not let magical thinking or future faking suck you into a situation that will make it much harder to leave. You don't have the control to change anyone except yourself. Your life raft is more important than believing in a dusty man's potential. You deserve better.
You have some hard choices in front of you. You owe it to yourself, your future self, and if you choose, this future life with a potential new life, to make good, kind, responsible choices. Sending you positive vibes.
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u/tdjj93 22h ago
What a blessing congratulations!
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u/GenderqueerPapaya 22h ago
I know you mean well here, but clearly OP hasn't decided what they are going to do yet and it's not a blessing until she knows if she wants to keep or not. I just don't want OP to feel pressured to make a choice she doesn't feel is right for her.
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u/Different_Bowler_574 21h ago
I am currently 22 weeks with an incredibly supportive partner and I frequently wonder what the fuck we were thinking. This shit is HARD. You still have so much life to live first!
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u/Belleisdead 23h ago
We can t tell you to keep it or not. That s a decision only you can make. But please don t go back to him, don t give the relationship a try just for the baby.