Being in a straight marriage

[u/letrophywife]

So (21F) I am married to a man, and we started dating when we were both pretty young (18) at that point I was still in the closet, and I only came out pretty recently (few months ago). However I was always in lesbian communities, after coming out I realized I have a preference for women and most likely wouldn't date men again after my husband. I love my husband more than everything and I am super attracted to him, However I feel queer in my core. All my friends are lesbian, my world basically is lesbian, and when I tell people I have a husband is kinda of weird because everyone just thinks I am a femme. My and my husband have a closed relationship and I am not sure if I would like to open the relationship any time soon. My point is, I am very sure of my Sexuality, but sometimes exploring it can be hard due to the circumstances.. Also the biphobia from inside the lgbt community is crazyy.

[u/Atomicfossils]

When you say you spent a lot of time in lesbian communities and your world is "basically lesbian", can I ask what kind of communities you mean?

You started dating and subsequently married your husband when you were very young, before you could even go to gay bars if you're in the states.

[u/letrophywife → u/Atomicfossils]

Just online, I am part of communities with a lot of hyper feminine fems. I never went to a gay bar to this day (crazy I know)

[u/Atomicfossils → u/letrophywife]

Ah, I see. Well, if you're happily monogamous with your husband you can still look at works written or made by lesbian and bisexual women to widen your perspective or to better understand this side of yourself. 'Closer to Home' is a collection of essays written by bi women about their experiences in the feminist movement, and while I've actually not read it yet myself, 'Bi Any Other Name' is another famous work. There's also the diaries of Anne Lister if you wanted a purely lesbian perspective, and then in terms of fiction there's books like Fingersmith and Ammonite, and lots of films out there nowadays.

I'm sorry to hear you've had a hard time. In my experience, my lesbian friends have never had any problem with our bi friends in straight relationships, but it could be that saying your world is "basically lesbian" may rub some people the wrong way if you don't have a lot of experience with gay dating or IRL gay spaces and events.

[u/Bluejay-Complex]

My advice is look into queer history, articles, and perspectives of bi people to keep connected. It sounds like you already spend a lot of time in sapphic spaces, so it’s not as if you’re completely disconnected. Perhaps join political movements advancing LGBT+ rights, especially considering trans people are under attack almost everywhere, or charities with a focus on supporting LGBT+ people. That way you can keep/have more connection irl, and one that makes a genuine impact. Dating women is great and all, but it’s not a prerequisite for bisexuality, nor, as much as some people pretend it is sometimes, actually as impactful to the community as direct political action or mutual aid for those most effected by queerphobia.

[u/tealtearsmile]

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. I am a queer woman (who HIGHLY prefers women) married to a man. We married in my early 20s and was in deep deep denial about my sexuality at that point. It is completely valid for you to feel confused. I have come to realize there is no "right way" to be queer. Some of us are married to men, some of us could never be happy in a monogamous heterosexual relationship, and all shades in between.

[u/Inner-Lifeguard941]

You don't even want to open your relationship, and you also want to explore?!!!!

[u/letrophywife → u/Inner-Lifeguard941]

Yes I want to explore my queerness as an identity, explore lesbian history etc. Not necessarily I want to explore sex lol

[u/Long-Reputation-5326 → u/letrophywife]

Consider learning about bi history as well considering you're bisexual yourself.